2008 年 9 月 8 日 星期一 【晴】

you know.. i just figure out sth..

when life goes on extreme, the only thing you can do is just to get over it and move on. but not in a -ve way.
at that moment, you wont find anything, there's only fears and a whole bunch of ways or options
that you're panicing with. then once you have made your choice, the confusion is probably gone.
then... you start to think about what you've just done or what has just happened. if you've made your
decision, then there's no turning back, and all you wanna do is just to step forward. of course you
know and aware of what you're doing.. but during the time that you think... you're just being.. totally
speechless and dysfuntional maybe? is it called being shock? or... what is that?

in my past experience.. when i've met some big challenge or problem.. there are usually only two ways
out. like flight or fight. then... it depends on the situation. if it's school or work, i would fight, definitely.
but then if it was friendship or relationship, i usually just kindda like..... being afraid, and panic. as years
gone, recently, i find out i gotta deal with more than that. it's like dual relationship.. then things got more
complicated, and so more things i gotta be careful of and those concern me lots. i find that.. this world
is just ... interesting or... amazing... or... crazy or.. full of crap. whatever ppl can call it. it's like..
there're so many things i havent seen and i havent known about.. and there's no ending at all.

like.. at work.. ppl might think my job is easy to handel. yea it's easy, but not as if you got a boss who
is as young as yourself that need you to take care and worry for. then yea not as if working in HK
with so many parents who always want perfect package for the kids but paying less than average.
they ask a lot of questions, they bargen, they come back, they complain, they fake.
then yea it's nice not as if you gotta work from 11 till 8 or 8 sth. and slowly you find out.. the more you
care about the students and the parents, then more you care about the teachers and your boss.
and then you would find out those 150 students on your list are driving you crazy everyday, and then
at the same time you just figure that it's just business and you gotta lie to them somehow. you wanna
be more professional but your young boss is your friend, and she just gave birth. when you wanna
be nice and responsible, then your stress level raise up so quickly, and you find out things are just
TMTH, too much to handel. and at the same time, your dad's boss is offering you a free ticket and
some bonus for some tasks to do in Vancouver, where your frinds and boyfriend are living in.
and then while you worked so hard for everything, you realized stuffs are not in your control no matter
how hard to work on it or how much you've prepared for it.. you just get tired of things like that.
you wonder what life is like, you wonder if you're happy at all. then you think of your family, your
friends, and of course your boyfriend. then you would find that actually everyone is doing their own
things, everyone got their own life to deal with, then you wonder if you're alone.

school... it's like.. i wasnt a bright kid when i was a kid. i wasnt happy in my family. i started to chase
back the time i have lost since high school. my story was like... kindda unbelivable. pretty dramatic.
ups and downs. then.. i'm happy i'm overall an A grade student. and now i gotta really plan to do sth
for after grad. Castor... you know what you wanna do.. but the thing is... you really dont know what
would happen coz you havent tried yet. you wouldnt wanna stay with Ella for the rest of your life..
you wouldnt be happy about just being some office worker, working 9 hrs/ day.

in these few months, i have been facing some crucial decision making.. it has been confusing me so
much. it stretches out my limit, and absolutely changing a lot of value of mine. i know it's not good if
things changed too fast. it's like you build up your value and your belief in maybe 20 years.. and now..
you saw the need to change it somehow coz you realize that life isnt only what you think.
i always say... no matter what, i'm still the Castor ppl know about and it's true. but on certain things..
i'm not the old Castor anymore. i'm not forcing myself to change anything for any good. i am changing
coz it comes very naturally, and i'm aware of it. just that... is... part of my personalty... like...
flight or fight. when i'm strong, i'm just really strong. when i'm weak.. i'm just really weak.
so.. am i just gonna get over it and fight or... just leave it? i think i've made my decision.

future is like... a huge unknown. i'm used to be like the kind of person who would be so committed to
my belief.. like... everything would be so nice and fine. but actually no. i'm so fear about the hell of it.
it's not peaceful at all, and i do hope everything would be fine. i know so many ppl have been through
this kind of period like.. so soon to grad, and dont know what to do in the future.. got student loan
and got a stressful job while studying.. stuffs like that.. i know i'm not the only one.. but.. you know..
everyone is unqiue and so as the situation is different for everyone.

if there's a grand escape, would you go for it Cas? i'm sure you wouldnt want to when it's in the past.
coz in the past you wouldnt wanna risk anything for just a moment of escape. you thought it's stupid.
but now, you would wanna try coz you know you're young and you wonder how it tastes like.
you wanna take advantages of your youth. you're always some careful person.. would it be that easy
for you to just risk something you're not sure about? i bet not. but it's really tempting especailly....
humm.. with the certian reasons..

here's the thing.. the thing is.. what you're gonna do and this is the biggest unknown.
i'm so insecure coz i couldnt figure out what the hell would happen after Dec or Jan.
and i feel like i'm so alone. it is not necessary to be so negative.. but.. i just panic..

----------------------------------------------------------

today.. i just woke up ard 8.. then fell asleep again and woke up again and fell asleep again till 11.
i got up at 11 and i felt so shitty. i didnt really know if the girl downstair still sleeping or not.. and i didnt
wanna go checking. it's like.. whatever i just stay inside my room and tidy up my place.
i found out she's not home after like 12 sth or 1 .. then i just did some housework and made lunch.
after all i just headded to broadway. i had a long walk.. cool.. i like that. i had Blenz too.. then yea..
checking out Chapers.. and some different stores on broadway and granville. it was good.
i was alone the whole day till i sms honey. well i was waiting for his "buzz" but nahhh.. i wasnt that
patient, so i waited till 6 then i sms him. and i met him. it was okay. i was tired but he seemed more
tired than me. anyway.. massage for him. is it called pampering? like when you love someone you
would pamper the person? sometimes i dont quite understand guys. sometimes i dont understand girls.
ahhhh.. what a mess. am i talking non sense now? i need to sleep. just too much to think about at the
moment... especailly i'm going back to HK.. i need some sorts of preparation for myself.. as in...
i gotta be ready to be home again.. saying bye to honey and some close friends here.. and then..
gotta be back to work right after arrival. and yea.. my research paper.. so.. you know.. i'm so afraid
but.. i'm telling myself to be strong.. Cas... you're such a baby still.. dont cry. i'm sure your honey and
friends wont want you cry, or else they would kindda laugh at you. 22 y.o. still crying..

night. things would be fine.

>>September 10, 2008 at 9:37:11 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 8 日 星期一 【晴】

today.. humm i woke by the workers. they were like bang bang bang outside my window...
i wondered if they saw me sleeping... so.. yea.. i woke at 8.. then fell asleep and woke and fell..
so i eventually got up at 10 sth but still very tired..

i was so out of mood.. but i knew i was gonna meet up with Cyn for lunch downtown..
so i just rushed to wash up and washing dishes.. then i left.
then.. yea.. i wasnt late.. but got like 20 mins earlier. hee.. so i got off at Robson and Seymour st.
then i walked into the art and craft store. and i looked for a card.. an anniversary card for honey.
hahaha.. i chose a cute one. there are all humor cards. very interesting. and i just picked one.
then i met Cyn.. humm i had salad, she had sushi.. then after lunch, i went up to her office..
seeing her co-workers.. then i left and bought dark chocolate mocha with soya milk from Blenz.
omg, i'm so in love with that mocha. i wish HK has Blenz. it tastes better than the one in Starbucks,
coz Blenz offer real dark chocolate. it tastes so rich in dark chocolate, but not too sweet, and it has
the strong taste of coffee at the same time. it's just so rich and perfect.
then i went back to the Pacific Center.. i bought jeans finally ! YAY~~~! and the thing is.. i tried the
sweater on as well, and it's half prize off as the sec perchase. so =) yea,.... it's like CAD $30 sth
then i got two items. it's much cheapper than the ones i usually would wear from the edc-Esprit in HK.
the quality from this cheapper brand is okay, not so good but not bad. so i kindda like it. also my boots
and my couple of t-shirts are from this brand. besides American Eagle, Urban Behavior is my sec choice.
so yea... i was happy to get these, coz anyway i would need to buy new winter clothes this year
in HK.. so now it's cheapper and kindda like better cutting and more like my style.. coz the thing is..
i usually wear edc-Esprit... and it's quite expensive.. and then.. sometimes they dont have excellent
combination i want. so yea i'm happy to come back Vancouver to get some winter stuffs.

then yea.. i got honey's mesg.. hee.. i have been waiting actually..
then i went back to Richmond. then aunt called.. so.. i got off the bus at Richmond Center, then walked
back home to check things out.. then i left again and headed to honey's place =)
hummm i was really tired today actually.. so.. on the bus i was so dead.. i wanted to take a nap but
i couldnt.. so i just rested, like so dead.. then anyway i had a nice evening there.
he drove me back.. and had my fav McDonald's apple pie.. then yea... hee =)

humm back home.. aunt was here already.. and then.. we have some new cousin here now..
it's so.... weird... and then.. she isnt very nice. she's more like a boy... she is... Chinese blonde...
as in... dying her hair in blonde.. and.. short hair... over size t-shirt with jeans. i cant tell she's a girl.
well anyway.. i dont even know her name.

alright.. humm got e-mails from Lisa and Jennefer =) i hope i can meet them before leaving..
then thing is i'm happy that Lisa is okay. and she seems happy to see the flowers i bought her and the
Emily candies! hahaha.. yea i knew she would laugh.. haha.. then yea.. i wanna meet Jennefer and her
baby Sopie. Jennefer used to be my teacher as well. she taught me lots of stuffs about Hospitality.
i learnt so much in her classes before. and i'm happy that like... i left VPC in 2005. and i still can stay
in contact with my teachers. omg. they're all teaching be before. we are friends now. i am so lucky.

Kiana called me. i'm happy that she called! hummmmmm.. maybe this time we dont have much time to
meet up.. but... i still hope that i could see her before i go. here's the thing.. i cant stay longer this time..
and it's like i'm staying for 3 weeks already. last time i came was in May and June.. i stayed for 6 weeks.
i changed my plan. i went back to HK 2 weeks earlier. but then this time i really cant stay longer than
these 3 weeks. coz... i had already postponed 1 week. i should be home by today. Shan needs me
to be back to the office by 17th which is kindda difficult.. coz i would be arriving on the 16th night time.
but well, i would be there on time, i mean... 10 30 am at the office on the 17th. i'm so sorry that bringing
Shan so many troubles, especailly during my abs at the office.. so.. yea.. i wish i could do something..

anyway... so... i'm really leaving soon again.. and i'm so sure i'm gonna miss honey and the others so
much.. and it's like.. yea.. i was here in May and June.. and here i came in the late Aug and now it's
Sep.. feels like i spend my summer here, but no. i got the family time in late June back in HK. i got my
busiest time at the office in July and late Aug right before i came to Van. and then my "summer job"
took me a week and so with Hailey and her dad and stuffs. i hated it but i have done it.

i've been through lots of shit and crisis since 2 years ago. i just look back.. it's just... amazing.
thanks God. well, thanks honey as well.. and thanks all my friends and my family.
YAY Castor survives~ ! =) isnt it interesting? life is just like that. today i'm sad, tomorrow i'm happy.
another day i dive in blue, suddenly i just find the way out. and then another time i meet some new ppl,
at somewhere i enjoy my time with some other ppl. so... am i still Hong Kong-ish or Vancouverite?
one thing for sure... i enjoy my time.. and i love my life.. i love myself and i love the things and ppl ard me.
i really hope... i really hope that... my honey would be forever my honey.. coz.. after these 2 years..
on and off on and off... i'm kindda... like... so attached to him.. i dont know why there's just... some
sorts of attraction that bonding me with him.. i cant explain.. and there's so long long road ahead of
my future and i really want him to be in it with me. it's like... i dont know... i dont know why these all
happened between me and him. after so many things happened we are still together. i'm glad about that.
and the thing is... no one is faking anything. everything seems so sureal.. but it's actually all real.
i'm glad.

>>September 9, 2008 at 8:35:23 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 7 日 星期日 【晴】

humm today the happiest thing is to see honey again.

i woke up, did some housework, played with the cat.. then.. texted honey..
then i headed to downtown.. just for a walk and checking out any news this weekend at the art gallery.
then i stayed there for 15 mins, watching the magic show. it was really amazing. i paid $3. haha..
he's from HK. anyway, good show and it was absolutely a good time. then i got coffee from Blenz.
but this dark chocolate chilo is really milky, even though it was with soya milk, it tasted too milky.
i couldnt stand that, so i just had half of it then threw the rest. i felt sick.
then i need to buy jeans, and i saw some nice and cheap one today.. i kindda tried it on but i wanted
to try the others too.. but then it was in the Pacific Center, so no signal.. then i just.. yea.. left..
then mesged honey again... and YAY... eventually i could see him.. =)

i went back to Richmond and i met him... it was a really good time besides i was quite tired..
=) i'm happy, especially i saw him fine and happy. i'm happy coz i know my massage skill has improved
a bit too. i'm happy coz we can watch tv together. i'm happy coz there's no secrets between us.
i'm happy coz of the mutual trust. i'm happy coz of the passion between us. i'm happy coz i could be
myself infront of him. he knows my fears, my weakness and strengths. i'm happy coz i am tring to
make him happy and he's happy. i'm happy coz he has challenged me and so i have experienced
stratching out my limit for him and myself. i'm happy coz i know he would be always there with me.
i'm happy coz i can see the real him. i'm happy coz we have been together for 2 years now!
i'm happy coz... it wasnt easy... on and off, on and off, then we're still in love with each others.
i hope we wont destroy our relationship, as in we would keep respecting each others, being keen,
honest and sincere. i hope we would see each others as the part of self, and so we are gonna live
in the way we both would feel comfortable and loving with. of course i'm gonna listen to him, and i
hope my trust on him would last till the day i die. and so i hope he is always gonna be with me as my
only one, and will always cherrish and take care of each others. i hope we would live together and
enjoy every moment that we share. i'm happy coz.. i love him and i see him happy being with me.

>>September 8, 2008 at 9:01:20 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 6 日 星期六 【晴】

today i woke up early..

quick shower, then made breakfast and did the dishes.. and cleaned the bathroom a bit..
then chatted with honey.. then rushed to go meeting Hailey. hummmm..
i met her then we had lunch at Tim Horton's. then i brought her to Daiso at Aberdeen..
then we walked to some Chinese mall as well.. and we went back to Richmond Center.
she bought lots of stuffs.. finally got her dorm more like a living place. i bought her two night lights..
so i guess she will be fine at night now. then yea.. helped her on the bus and stuffs..
then we had dinner at Richmond Center.. got her everything ready.. then sent her back to Granville.
i bought some flowers for Lisa. so i just drop by Broadway and chatted with Joy and Phil for a bit.
then i left and got my fav hot dark chocolate from Blenz. then i walked ard inside Chapters.
hahaha. i like Chapters. back home by 98-B Line. i hope Lisa would smile when she sees the flowers.
ha i brought her some candies too, which is the Emily The Strengths. hahahah.. i know she will laugh.
so yea.. kindda talked with Joy.. and i guess Lisa would be fine soon. she just needs some more time
on her own and with Denis.

then... yea, back home saw Jackson and his girl. then Kathy was home afterward. i was so tired and
bored sitting on the sofa. then.. yea.. Kathy asked me if i would go clubbing with her.. at first i was like..
let me think about it.. then.. i texted honey.. the thing is.. i wanted to go as in i'm kindda bored sitting at
home, but i'm so tired too.. i like clubbing only coz i like dancing, nothing other than dancing with nice
music there. i dont drink or smoke. i dont like those tipsy guys too. like.. Ben or Jerremy last time..
it wasnt good at all. they're Cyn's friends. i was embarassed. then yea.. i texted honey.. kind of chatted
about that.. then yea... Kathy was preparing and stuffs then came down stair asking again if i wanna
go.. i kindly refused her. she is nice now.. i guess coz i didnt piss her off maybe? or coz i did the
dishes or cleaned the bathroom? haha i dont know. anyway she isnt bitchy to me, but his bro's girl.
i dont interact with JAckson's girl too. coz everytime when i said hi to her, she reacted kindda strange.
Jackson is really nice but.. his girl is ... uhhh so so.
anyway.. i like the kitty here, he's a black cat, called Mon Mon. hahahaha. he's sooooo cute. i really like
cat. everytime i'm home he would jump on me on the sofa or just kept trying to get my attention.
when i talked to him, he really gave me response like he understood what i said to him. so.. i played
with him everyday after washing dishes and at night when i'm home. he's so funny.. he would come
into the kitchen when i did the dishes, then i asked him to wait outside and he would walk away! haha.

tonight i bought Hailey egg tarts and dinner. i also brought some egg tarts home.. i thought they might
eat. but then no one touched them. and auntie brought dessert home. it's like i always have food late
night. i am a bit afraid of gaining weight! haha. then.. yea.. auntie is really nice.. on Wed, we went to
Cosco.. and i was thinking if i should buy a blanket. coz it was light but super warm, and the thing is
it was my colour, light pink. then i'm worried it's a bit too big to carry back to HK or i just dont wanna
spend money on something not really necessary so i didnt buy it. but then tonight it just appears.
aunite bought it and gave me tonight! i was like WHAT?! you bought it for me? i was surprised!
it's like did she go back to Cosco? she is a super busy person... she told me she bought it yesterday..
she said she wanted to give it to me but i was late home. yea.. Louisa, Cyn and i were out till almost
1 30 am. i was kindda feeling bad for that.. then auntie called me ard 1 45 am and i was inside my room.
she thought i was still out. i felt bad for that. anyway she's just really nice yea? i didnt really think about
going back to Cosco to get the blanket. and she bought it for me ! omg. i am running out of currency.
then i asked her about the HSBC and the changing rate. she gave me the money imediately. then.. i was
like.. omg.. you dont have to do that. then anyway yea i just gave her my HK dollars just now.
she is just really nice. no wonder mom was so close with her before when they were kids. sigh.
i feel like i always bring ppl troubles.

then Kathy just asked me if i would have dinner with them on Wed or Thurs. yea of course i dont mind.
hummm i'm surprised. they're just really nice to me.

tomorrow is Sunday.. i wanna go back to Steveston.. the market and the shops there. but then yea..
dont know if honey would be free to meet up with me. i'm going back to HK soon.. on the 15th..
i am gonna miss him so much and miss my friends and aunties here much too... hummm...
i will see my aunties in HK this winter.. but honey.. i dont know. i am gonna miss him so much..
now here, i still can sms him or meet him.. i can take time for him just so as to see him and kiss him..
back to HK.. being a busy person, stress at work and study... enjoying my time with my friends and
stuffs... living my life there... time goes very quick.. but still cant cover up how much i think of him and
missing him. anway.. just wanna take whatever it comes. coz.. this is life, and so i'm gonna live it
and stay happy =) and nope i didnt go clubbing with Kathy, and i didnt meet Ben. i stay home waiting
for auntie home.

>>September 7, 2008 at 8:09:07 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 5 日 星期五 【晴】

humm

today... same same.. did a bit housework, then i left home ard 2 pm..
then headed to downtown... it was funny.. coz... i guess ppl like my skirt and that brought me some
sorts of.... attention. some guy was talking to me in The Bay, ang again.. he thought i'm from Japan.
i said no i'm from HK. anyway chatted for awhile theen the sales lady came helping me to keep him
away, i just ran. haha. then... yea i was looking for something for mom in The Bay.. then.. i met Cyn
for dinner. it was great. we had Japanese food.. at... Gu ? on Robson street. then we met Louisa..
and we came back to Richmond. omg.. KTV again.. and we thought of Ade.. so i gave her a call..
we chatted for awhile when Louisa was eatting in some resturant before KTV. i bought pears.
i love pears. thennnnnnn yea... talking with Ade.. it was so funny. we talk about what happened
before back to 2006. hahaha.. then yea.. we went KTV.. i was like.. omg it's getting late i wanna go
home.. but ... we sang anyway.. then sometimes was just funny.. and we sang more Eng songs
this time.

i think my skirt is short.. and today just got guys, really not only one.. there were 3 times that got guy
talking to me like hey nice shorts or something like that when they passed by. i dont even know what
to reply. it's like.. oh okay thanks.. whatelse should i say... i wonder what they're thinking about.
Cyn said i should move in Vancouver, so many guys re hitting on me. i told her you know what they
wanted? probably just trying on their luck to get sex. i'm not giving out. then Cyn said well no one
asked you to have sex with them but at least got guys hiitting on you on street. hummmm... okay....
humm i dont know.. what if Stephen minds about that.. hummm..

>>September 6, 2008 at 8:55:08 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 4 日 星期四 【晴】

hummm today....
i just dont know how to describe.

anyway.. i woke up.. same.. doing the dishes.. then made breakfast..
i had blue berry, toast and coffee. then yea.. my cous Jackson was home and i didnt know that..
then he went out and came back. we did some chatting.. he told me something about their family..
he was just outside my room while i was tidying my room.. so he seat at the door and talked..
he told me about his ex girlfriend and his current girlfriend. he is a sweet guy. but he didnt even know
whether i'm his cousin on his dad side or mom side. and.. he told me my another cousin Kathy didnt
know my name. hahaha.. anyway yea.. we exchanged number.. then we can hang out sometimes.
it's nice to talk with him.. and he told me like.. living in this house is like living in a hotel. that's how i saw
them too but i didnt say it. then.. yea.. i guess they re just so lack of communication. aunite is lonely..
the kids are busy at their stuffs and wanting to get closer with their mom. but they thought they would
be disappointed somehow so they stopped. well.. i'm not staying long in this house.. so... see what
i can do. probably i'm not gonna do much except communicate with them more. that might be what
they need. i dont see auntie is having a daugther home or a son home. i dont see my cous know how
hard working their mom is.

so yea.. the worker is still fixing the roof. i guess they're gonna finish soon. and i'm impressed. they
are very polite. when i walked out today.. all of them were talking to each others, and suddenly just
said "have a nice day" to me. i was like... huh? are you talking to me? have a nice day.
another aunties came picking me up.. we went to No.9 road today. omg. it's so big there.. like..
we went to have Chinese dim sum first. yeaaaaa dim sum again.. i dont eat that much dim sum in HK.
it's like.. usually i have dim sum with my family 5 or 6 times per month.. and here Van.. i always always
have dim sum, especially when i was still living down town with the Chiense ppl. everyday and night
dim sum and Chinese food. i almost wanna puke. so.. yea.. after lunch.. we wanted to go into the
casino.. called... Startlight maybe? then.. so funny.. the guy wanted to check my id. i told him i'm 22.
he said he still need to check coz i look too young. i told him i am tourist. he asked me if i could show
him any id. i told him i forgot to bring my passport or my HK id card. i only have my student id card
with me.. he said it doesnt have my birthdate on it. i laughed and asked him back if i looked like 19.
he said yes i do. i was like... WHAT?! i wish i am 19. then my aunties laugh.. so.. we left and we went
to those outlets.. hummmm i was very tired to walk through every shops there. i bought some cap
from Roots for Leggy. i know she's gonna love it. it's on sale.. like only CAD $ 9. then i also bought
some earrings and a headbang from Le ChaTeau. it's so cheap. it's like CAD $5 for 2 items. i got 4.
and i'm gonna share with Shan anyway. yup, my BBF! hahahahaha... and i promised her i would find
her a nice coffee mug for the coming winter. then.. no.. i didnt spend any money on Guess or Aldo.
didnt want to spend too much money.

then we seat at Tim Horton's. i was so tired then i had one cookie and a few tim bits plus apple juice.
after that i wasnt feeling well. i texted honey to see if he would have time to meet up.. then yea..
they drove me home first. then i just put down my stuffs and run to Richmond Centre..
anyway... i wasnt feeling well... till resting a bit at honey's home..
we spent time together.. which is good. and tonight i have made some huge decision.
i'm not gonna discuss much with the others about this. i think he would be the man i'm gonna be with
for life long. after all, i just wouldnt be able to explain why i'm with him or why i would choose him..
and then there would be no way for the others to understand except us. so... Castor made a huge
decision, and she's gonna place 99% of her trust on this guy, and sharing her future with this guy.
i will try to live in a way that both of us would be happy about. coz.. at the end.. what i want the most
is still the real happiness in my life. something which would make me smile. someone who would make
me feel happy, warm and secure. if he's gonna be the one, i would let him into my life, and give him
every of my best in my life time.

back home... got bothered by Ben again. uhhhh.. actually i dont really wanna go out with him.
he was too aggressive. so.. if Cyn is not meeting him.. i dont wanna meet him alone.

Michale mesg me on Facebook.. hummm so.. after back to HK.. i would need to talk to my school about
the graduation. coz.. i'm finally graduating =)

anyway... i think.. i should sleep now...
and... yea...

>>September 5, 2008 at 9:46:25 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 3 日 星期三 【晴】

today...

i woke up then washed the dishes. i dont use them but i washed.
i dont understand why my cousins here dont do any housework.
everyone is so independent in this house, but i'm surprised no one doing housework except aunite.
so.. well, i do if i live in this house. back home in HK i dont.. coz i work and study, and mom is the
super clean person. she got really high standard, and she doesnt want us to help much. so yea..
but if i live in other places, i do housework.

anyway.. then i rushed to Richmond Centre.. then waited for auntie.. then we had lunch together..
then we went to Cosco.. and Lansdowne... then.. we bought pizza for dinner as well. it was a
relaxing day. then back home... helping tidy up... and had pizza. then.. yea.. in HK i dont usually
peel the skin of fruit when i eat... coz mom would do that. and even i do, i do it for myself only when
mom is not around. but then... how many ppl have ever had fruit from my hand? hummm no one.
auntie is the first one this time. hahaha. well.. haha.. lucky her. and the thing is.. i dont ususally wash
dishes back home, unless it was in Van here when i was living with others. i cooked and i washed.
but today and the day before, i washed dishes for my cousins, and it's for the sake of my auntie.
sigh. i think if you're that independent, and you cook your own meal, why not you clean your own mess.
i think i'm the youngest. i saw my anotehr cousin finally last night. she wasnt nice. she is a bit... bitchy.
it's my first time to see her and she wasnt friendly at all.. not even to her mom. i dont know.. it's their
family, not mine. i love my family and i love everyone home. so.. no matter how stressed or tired i am,
i would still being cranky sometimes but i wouldnt be mean. i do make things up and i do contribute
to my family. so.. i dont understand why my cous are like that.. do they actually think they live in a hotel?
coz... the boy one isnt mean but he does bring a girl home every night.. and auntie and his sis dont like
that girl. and the girl one is mean and bitchy. poor aunite. i heard a lot from aunite.. and i wonder when
was the last time she has fruit from her children' hand. when was the last time they clean their own
mess.. not my business but that makes me really think of my mom.

i called back to the office tonight.. hummmm.. same same. Shan is going crazy about the stuffs at the
office. i feel so sorry for her, coz i'm not there.. and i guess now she understands why i couldnt
finish my job before leaving... coz the problem is not on me or her, but.. yea. then she told me
eventually we would have a Starbucks in Tai Po. i was like YAY~~~ hahaha.. COOL!
i wont be the regular customer but somehow i'm so excited to see it happening. coz i always wanna
have some nice coffee in Tai Po, but the best we could find is only McCafe which is actually worse
than McDonalds. i definitely prefer McDonald's.

then yea... called Kiana as well. she's back in twon, here Van i mean. wow i didnt know she has been
back for long. i thought she would be back in Sep but no. so.. yea.. hope to see her soon =)
then yea... got mesg from Rami. omg. he's so flirty ! i couldnt imagine him being like that to me. i was like
WHAT?! hahaha.. i put the line on my MSN. " I kissed a girl, and i liked it." well it's actually the line from
a song called "I kissed a girl." from Katy PErry. then Cap asked me about that.. she said.. Castor, did
you really kiss a girl? i was like.. huh? nono.. hahahah. she laughed. then Rami was like.. Castor,
you kissed a girl? that sounds sexy! he even said he has to be here to watch. he said like...
i didnt know you could be that naughty, you should use your phone to video it coz i want to see it.
i was like.. laughing out loud. omg. i knew he broke up with his perfect girl.. i knew he was looking for
some rebound girl somehow. so i had been refusing to hang out with him. everytime he got broke up
with girls, he would hang out with me and talk. this time he is getting fishy.
so.. i was kindda avoiding him. but now he told me he is finally over her.. then.. yea.. i guess he doesnt
need some rebound girl, but maybe he just want some sexy friend with benefit. well if it's the case,
i dont wanna get involved. i cant be his girl. he is nice and it's comfortable to hang out with him..
but you know.. i have a boyfriend, and i dont wanna mess up with him. what if.... then?

talking about relationship.. sounds like everyone got some sad stories going on.. i dont know if i am the
only few lucky ones or i am actually with bad luck too. but for all i know, there's nothing mich to fear
about.. even though there is, i shouldnt be so afraid. it's like.. i think i kindda figure that there's nothing
much i can do if i have tried my best. it wont be my bad to lose someone who doesnt love me or
appreciate me or doesnt want me. but it would be someone's great lose to have lost me. well at leat
that would be his great lose to lose someone who loving him so much, who have been tinking of him
always, and someone who have been wishing and hoping him good and fine. coz i find out.. actually
in this world, we just have so many bad things and unahppy things going on. and it's not easy to find
someone being keen, nice and loving to you.

hope to see Stephen soon. he has been really busy. when he's that busy, i dont wanna bother him..
you know as a girlfriend, i just want him good and fine. i dont wanna add pressure or give him any troubles.
but somehow i know i'm leaving really soon, and i cant help missing him. everytime s been like that, then
slowly i just learnt to let go of the feelings like.. i made myself to be more understanding and patient.
but sometimes i feel like there's only me tring hard. i cant say he is not giving any effort, but i just dont
know. especially i have heard what he told me last time.. somehow it's just hard for me to accept.
i dont know if he understands what i've been going through.. probably he would blame me not
understanding what he's been through too. so.. what am i gonna say? if you ask me if i love him,
of course i do love him. but i really dont like what has been happening, and i dont think there should be
any excuses at all. men and women always have different thinking.

>>September 4, 2008 at 8:38:50 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

today.. i woke up late. yay. sleep sleep sleep.

then i headed to 41st street. i left my key at that woman's home. she is so nice. she gave me another
2 bags of chesnuts.. sigh. she's a nice person.. but just screwed things on me and Stephen.

then.. i went to West Broadway.. before going back to Lisa's place, i walked around. still had time.
then end up shopped 2 t-shirts for my sisters and a pair of boots for myself. it's really really cheap
though. i cant believe that the same style of boots could cost CAD $150- 200 downtown, with brands..
but in Urban Behavior.. it was only $29. so.. yea... yay.. new boots. the thing is i dont usually wear
boots and the last time i wore was probably back to my childhood. hahaha.. so... cool.. in winter,
i wished i could have boots, but the thing is i didnt wanna spend a thousand bucks (HKD) on some
shoses i only wear a few weeks in winter. or i could get the cheap one without any brand and that
would hurt my feet. so.. no no. but now, i got some comfy one, with a much lower price, yay~

then.. back to Lisa's place. she made soup. she is on her sick leave.. it would take a long time i guess.
then.. we chatted alot. good to hear her speaking. and then yea.. i brought her all the Emily stuffs. ha..
she is happy. i'm glad to see her happy. coz when i was tring to find her those things, i was happy
too. i was thinking Lisa might like this, Lisa might like that. and yup. i'm happy to see her happy.
i stayed for the whole afternoon. then at night, we just had McDonald's and movie. i brought her the
DVD, which i suggested her before. Denis was fine too. i just hope them good and fine. i miss the time
staying with them. ha.. just 2 months ago. i felt like it's since so long ago. i miss them. i do. and it's like..
time passes fast. i used to stay wit hthem in the living room till 12.. or 12 sth.. depends on how big the
discussion we have after movie or news. then.. tonight.. i left their place ard 9pm. i found that kindda
early but it's actually not early to come back Richmond. haha.. yea.. i used to stay up till 12 sth..
then walked back to my room and watched tv again or chatted with my HK friends till falling asleep.
and.. i miss Todd, Jenny and her kid. hope that we could have chances to get together again before
leaving. but it doesnt really matter much though.

well... well.. welll..
my flight should be able to be changed.. so.. i might probably have another week sticking ard
Vancouver here.

Karen shared a passage with me:

不幸的是，許多人總會說︰「先給我報酬，然後我就付出。」
unfortunately, many ppl would say, "pay me first, then i would work hard."
員工常對老闆說︰「給我加薪，我就更賣力。」
the staff would tell the boss, "give me a raise, then i would work harder."
太太對先生說︰「對我客氣一點，我就會給你好臉色。」
the wife would tell the husband, "be nice to me, then i would give you a nicer face and better attitude."
這就好像站在火爐前，說道︰「*火爐，請給我多一點溫暖，然後我才給你加點木柴。*」
是不是很好笑？ 你不先加木柴，又怎能得到更多的溫暖呢？
it's just like standing in front of the fireplace and say, " please make me warmer, then i would
add some more wood." isnt it funny?
不先播種，又哪來的收成？
if you dont spread the seed, where come the fruit?

真愛沒有條件，也不求報償。愛的前提是要讓你所愛的人快樂，至於愛的目的，則是讓自己在
愛的感覺裡，成為更好的人。
there's no conditions for love, and no paycheque. beyound love, it is about to make your lover happy.
the reason to love, is to be in love, and let yourself grow up and become a better man.

it's quite true.
i dont know. Lisa asked about me and Stephen. Louisa and Cyn asked about that too.
what am i gonna say? of course there's some reason i'm with him. but i dont know what it is..

look at this.. this is the fact.. and what i think after listening to Lsia's story, Cyn's story, and many other
girls' stories..
i dont understand when men cheated or lied, did they really think of the consquences clearly or they're
just so dying to try the dangerous excitement. if they do know things would be screwed, then why
the hell they still do this. if they dont think through the matter, then how could they just go screw
around beind the person who loved them so much. it's not only unfair, it's also rediculous.
are they actually aware that what they do is destroying the trust between two person? it's damaging
the relationship, and could be irreversable. the trust is like.. how would i know this, how would i know
that, and that becomes the fear and insecurity affecting the individual life. how many ppl got cheated
before? how many actually cheated on their loved one before? i cant imagine.. like.. almost 80% of my
close friends and friends were somehow being cheated before, and yup they cheated.

it's like..
for myself.. i'm sure i'm giving out myself. you have my everything, and if it's still not enough, i dont
know what i can do. if you know i've been good and nice to you as a girlfriend, then probably you
know i dont deserve these. i just dont get it why ppl would cheat. being an ass?.. does it make
any sense? or just being selfish? you dont wanna care how ppl feel, coz it's more important about
how you feel. right. so it's always more important about how to make yourself happy than the person
you said you love. do you really love the person? you're not happy at all, are you?

it's like.. yea.. i'm all yours, but you're not mine. how about the other way around? say you see me
fucking with another person and all i think about is the other person right now, not you. you gotta wait
for a min then i would be saying i love you. you wouldnt be happy about that, would you? then why
do you do this? would that make you happier to hurt someone you say you love? why there's always
excuses? so many explaninations but doesnt change the fact.

some ppl are funny. they dont do things on purpose, they dont intend to hurt anyone. but they do hurt
ppl in the end, coz they just care too less about the others. however, there're always some great ppl
who care about the others, and they get hurt more easily. either way wont make life easiler.
if life is just that hard, why do we live hard.. coz.. no matter what.. i still want a happy life, and so i try
my every way to live it full and happy.

>>September 3, 2008 at 7:51:47 AM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 1 日 星期一 【晴】

i woke up ard 8 am.. everyday is the same. just cant sleep more.

then.. i prepared to go. i met Hailey downtown.
i bought the pants from American Eagle. it was cold outside. all my pants i brought here are not long
enough. anyway.. yea.. then brought her to Robson street.. then had Chinese food there.. the western
style Chinese food. then we shopped at London Drugs. she needs things.
then we took bus back to UBC. i sent her back. Cyn and Louisa kept hurring me to leave her alone and
go out with them. i was like.. i couldnt do that. then they asked me why. coz i cant. they asked me like
if it's just my responsiblty or what.. i think it's both my responsiblity and friendship. i met her 2 years
ago, and we talk once awhile.. then now i'm here to take care of her and help her on her transition.
even though her dad screwed on me and Stephen, there's nothing to do with her. she is a nice girl.
yup, she's new here, and so i should be here to look after her. that's why i'm here Van again.
anyway.. i walked her back to her dorm. we chatted and laughed alot. she isnt too bad.. i dont expect
alot from any super rich girl. she isnt too bad. and sometimes she's still a baby. if i could help, i would
do what i can. it's like... yea i had some sorts of exp before.. i knew how to help her getting through
her transition, make her feeling comfotable and more open to her new env.

then after that.. i went to Cyn's place.. Louisa picked us up... then... yea... we went back to Richmond.
we went KTV. hahaha.. i guess we really sang too long.. since 5 till 10. Louisa was so funny.. then
we all have fun. we danced while sang. crazy women.

tomorrow.. i am gonna visit Lisa. hummmm... yea... wanna see her for long..
then... i will try to extend my stay. coz.... it's like i will be too busy this week and i dont know if i would
see Stephen again before Sun. i dont know if i could extend it.. so.. yea.. see what i can do.
but then my work in HK is going busy... i dont know how longer i can stay. and it's like... every single
day is so busy.. got many planing and some stuffs to do. there's no time to rest and relax. so.. yea..

everyone is so busy.. i understand. but then... i only got seeing Stephen once. i wanna see him more..
but he's busy working. Cas... if he ever visited you in HK, would you not seeing him after work like
maybe 9 or 10 pm? i guess i would still make time to see him somewhere lunch time or late night.
well... why.. why is it so different? the problem is not on me, but the answer is with me.

>>September 2, 2008 at 7:54:31 AM GMT+8

2008 年 8 月 31 日 星期日 【晴】

humm

today.. i woke up early.. finally saw my cousin, Jackson. he seems like a sweet guy.
then..... nothing much.. did laungry.. then.. headded to Steveston. it's so lovely there today.
i was planing to see the sadeen fish. coz last night Joy and Phil said it's the first time they could get
sadeen here, and there were like 50 ppl lined up for that. so i went there.. and i was so attracted
by the farm market there. some sorts of organic brad and cookies. i bought 3 huge cookies =P
i LOVE cookies.. the ginger one got white crystal sugar on top. the chocolate one is just so indifferent.
then the cranberry oat chrunch is just.... TASTY. so.. yea.. i'm in love with them hahaha..
then i walked around... and bought some little things for my sisters... then i had sushi..
then.... i visited the flower shop. it was so great. a lady saw me taking pics, then she helped me to
take a few pics.. haha.. i looked ugly. anyway that's sweet. then i also bought some small mangnant
form that store. coz they're just soooo cute.. i'm sure mom would love those little thing.
then i went to the groocery store... bought some blueberry for aunite.. and some cookies.. the Peak
something.. the same cookies i got on plane. so yummy. then yea... took the bus back to Richmond
Centre.. then walked into the Shopper Drugs.. and then found out the clearance part.. and then the
on sale stuffs. hahaha.. i bought some nuts for dad.. and i bought one of my fav lotion.. the Dove Pro
Age. it's sooooooooooooo nice. it's the most mostlizing lotion which is not sticky but with the excellent
smell. it smells like my Rafle Laurane prefumme. so i'm so loving it =) and it's on sale like 50% off!
then.. yea.... walked home..

then aunite Hung invited me for dinner.. so just went to her place.. then had dinner with her and her
husband, then also auntie Hidi and my another cousin Bryan. hummmm cool. it was a nice time..
then teaching them a bit about mandarin and the computer stuffs.. it's okay.. i like being with them..
then yea.. same.. the relatives from mom side are very nice, always so nice and real to me.. like...
they dont fake anything.. i feel very comfortable with them. then of course... i am not asking for much.
i'm just so glad and thankful that tehy help me and let me stay at their place.

then came home.. and saw Jackson again. he is really sweet guy. we chatted for awhile..
then.. he told me he thought i'm from Calgary or Toronto.. i said no.. he's impressed by my spoken
English. and he thinks i look like CBC. OMG. no. i am not. well.. never mind.. i'm still the Castor, the
girl from HK. he wanted to invite me for dinner tonight.. but then he got some gathering with his
co workers.. never mind.. i had a good time to catch up with my other aunties. we were both surprised
by each others. we dont know how many cousins we actually have. haha.. big family in my mom's
generation. it's nice to meet him.. like.. after so many years. like Bryan... same.. i dont know if i have
met him before..

anyway, i'm glad that honey sms me back today. he seems so busy.
but... i'm leaving soon again. should i stay for a little while longer? auntie Lai asked me to stay longer
if i want to. for me... it's like... i dont mind to if i have nothing to do in HK.. i would like to stay longer if
i dont need to go back to HK or say... i would love to stay longer for honey.. but i'm not so sure if he
is gonna be busy or he would have time for me.

anyway.. tomorrow... i will meet up Cyn and Daneille.. hahaha.. so interesting.. last time in UBC...
when Hailey and i were buying stationary at the Staples, i saw Daneille.. and i found her so....
familar.. but i couldnt tell her name coz i ve never met her before, just knew that she's Cyn's friend.
saw their pic before.. anyway.. tomorrow Cyn is gonna introduce her to me. haha. and Hailey might
come with me.

>>September 1, 2008 at 9:15:47 AM GMT+8