2008 年 12 月 6 日 星期六 【晴】

today i woke up very late... like 2 pm sth..
then... i woke up, had late breakfast... then... yea.. hang ard home... resting and watching tv..
then mom and i walked to Tai Po center... then i went back the office... stayed for 10- 15 mins..
seeing Shan and checking work.. Shan looked very tired today.. i m a bit worried if she is okay.
then i left.. met mom again and went to Tai Po Market.. then... we bought a graduation gift together.
how funny it is.. i gotta choose my own graduation gift. the thing is... i expected flowers, but my
parents think it's better to have a doll instead of flowers. then.. for me it's.... weird but okay.
but dad has been too busy... so he didnt get a chance to go there again to buy one. so i had to go buy
one for myself, but mom paid. hummm weird.. in fact... again... i prefer flowers. after that.. back home..
watching tv and had dinner. nice. we bought chinese food home.. haha.. we had tofu pudding on the
street too. it's so smooth and yummy. it's hot, it's nice to warm up body.

anyway.. after dinner... mom has been helping me to prepare for tomorrow.. like... my shirt, my suit,
my gown and my cap.. how i should tie up my hair.. then my sister Leggy took a few pics of me..
haha.

then.. my arms mussle pain... i guess it's coz of yesterday.. my left side of shoulder and neck hurts too.
i dont know...

and.. i'm reading my speech again.. tomorrow... i would wake up very early.. maybe ard 7 or 6 30..
tomorrow is a big day.. not very very big.. but yea.. still a big day.
i wanna... be... a natural speaker.. i dont wanna speak excellent, but just be myself as the graduate.
coz.. i think.. all i wanna do is to deliver my mesg through the speech.. i dont need to be... the spot or
be another person tomorrow. i just wanna be myself and deliver my mesg clearly.. be calm, be charm,
be firm, be nice and polite. dont wanna get too nervous or panic.. coz i'm not supposed to panic, i am
supposed to be... a graduate and to deliver the mesg. i didnt practice these days, coz.. i find it if i
practice too much, i might be able to speak more fluently or more smooth.. but i might be a bit not like
myself.. so perhaps i can do it more naturally.. but just remember i am just a person selected to deliver
the mesg on the graduation day. just do my job, be myself. stay calm and charm, that's it. i gotta be
ready for that, otherwsie i would blow the chance. seems like the more i do, the more nervous i am..
so.. maybe it would be great if i just stand there and do my job.. be sincere, natural, be calm and charm.
i guess.. this would be more like.. me.

>>December 6, 2008 at 5:04:09 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 4 日 星期四 【晴】

hi...

today was a harsh one.
hummmmm woke up with the sleepy eyes... having coffee.. then work..
had been working on my research this morning, not like yesterday. yesterday i was working like so
busy... today i'm working on my research.. very busy... very tiring... coz.. yea.. making some changes
on the letter and instruction for the questionnire.. then... copy them and find schools.. i chose 18..
not totally random actually. then.. i go take the photo copy of the questionnire... 2250 coppies..
so heavy.. they're full of the box! i was carring it walking blocks and across the bridges. i stopped for
4 or 5 times.. it was sooooo heavy. back to the office, ran to get envelopes... expensive.. then i got
back to the office.. seperated them.. took 8 packages to the post office first, then the other 8. i just
cant carry all of them walking. then the thing is... i ddnt post one package and i dont really know which
school was that. i do have a list, but ... i thought i had 19 packages. so.. i dont know. i kept checking,..
spent lots of time.. to read the list, thinking of the process i have done.. then.. i saw a few pics i took..
then i guess now i knwo which school was missing...

i had my lunch.. like almost 4 pm... 15 mins only.. i was so busy since the morning, never stopped for
a min.. then.. back to work.. Karen was adding me stress. then Carole's class has lot of changes too.
many parents come i dont know why.. it's like i was so busy doing different things at once. i was
trying to organize and put ppl waiting and doing stuffs at the same time, then the teachers asking for
help asking for this and that. i was like.. omg.. and the phone rang.. and stuffs... ppl calling in sick..
blah blah. i was trapped. i dont have a min break. whenever i tried to talk with honey or frined on line,
someone showed up or the teacher came out. i was very tired today. stressed. i wanted to get out,
i wanted to cry. but i couldnt leave. coz... there would be consequences. and.. i'm not ready to go that
far for that yet, i mean just say my statement and quit. i'm not ready yet.. i know i keep complaining that
isnt good or wont make things better. but.. what can i do? i just wanna cry.

i left at 8 30 actually.. did lots of work and writting notes for Shan tomorrow. wish her good luck.
i dont wanna leave much work for her, or i dont wanna pass her a mess tomorrow.. so.. i prepared
stuffs for tomorrow before i left. but i couldnt finish all, so.. i hope that's ok.
i wrote Karen a note too. i find her room so messy and the toys are outside the classroom. i was abit
mad when i saw that. she didnt even clean the white board. what? did she expect me doing that for
her now? she moved the table but not moving back, so who's gonna do that for her? not me. especially
it's Sat tomorrow. it would be so busy like hell. i just dont understand how can she be so insensitive
for the others. i wrote her to tell her i have prepared her class materials, and packed snack for the
kids, but plz next time remember to tidy up the room before left, and if the students want to play or use
the toy... they would be allowed only if the teacher agree, and so the teacher is responsible for the
toys after used would be placed to the right place. yea she's a teacher, but i dont care if you are not
being a good one. dont act like some professional in front of me while you're not. i dont like it. i find the
teachers are kindda weird sometimes. why dont they prepare for their own lessons, but asking others
for help. i'm employed for the administration work for the students, classes and Ella. i dont mind to help
the teachers, coz it's part of my job, but... not too much please. i find Karen is like Ella.

anyway. i'm happy that honey has got the post already...
it's much earlier than christmas. hummmm i dont know if he's gonna wear it on christmas, haha..
the size is a bit big. i knew.. i was thinking L or XL... i chose XL coz that salesperson said XL would
be better.. obviously i might shouldnt trust him. i m happy that he likes the chocolate, coz that's my fav
too =) and then yea.. the cd. haha.hope he will like it.

>>December 5, 2008 at 7:17:32 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 3 日 星期三 【晴】

hello..

today is already Dec 4... time flies.
3 months ago.. or longer.. i was in Vancouver... enjoying my trip.... well.. experiencing lots of ups and
downs... but i find myself grow up alot... coz.. i see different things and different ppl everyday..
i do something i dont do in HK... i learn everyday something new... everything isnt that fresh but..
interesting to know. and i can spend time with my honey, spend time with my other friends. it's a totally
different world there. in 2008, i went there twice. two different trips actually. and coz of that.... i was
facing different difficulties, but i was so lucky everytime there were friends help me getting through
everything in pain. i learn everyday while i was doing nothing. i didnt have to rush to work or school.
i just rest, to meet people, to see different things. it was cool. and... i was there to see my honey.
life is just like that... never be able to predict what happen next.

when i was still there.. in Spring.. i actually went to the conference.. i have talked with diff students,
and the talk host. it was a great exp. then i started to think about my own research. i stayed with Lisa
and Dennis. spent lots of great time with them everyday. Cyn and Louisa help me alot.. being with me
lots of time... listening to me while i was crying, sharing me the shoulder with some hot chocolate.
i always take the 98 B-Line travel to downtown and back to Richmond sometimes. everytime on the
bus, i thought of honey. and everytime when i met him... i would have some... weird feelings.. as in..
something special about this guy and this relationship.

i was crying the day before i left. and i went there just to say bye to him.. and i was crying in the end.
everything is still so fresh to me... at that time i was in a panic coz i dont know what would be happening
after back to HK. i knew i would be busy about the summer at work, i would probably need to prepare
for my research, and mostly coz i would be alone again. painful. i went there.. saying bye then i left..
i walked away.. i left that street but i stopped.. and i ran back.. i ran... it sounds pretty crazy dramatic,
but at that time i did that without a thought. he opened the door, i huged him then started crying again.
how many guys have ever seen me cry? i guess... not that much except those time back in high school.

i dont show ppl tears especially if i were crying for those ppl. the day i left was the pain in the ass..
i made it.. i carried my heavy baggages to school dropping off key, then walked to the bus stop..
kindda crazy actually. i just tear again. then i was alone in the air port.. so terrible.

after 2 months.. i wasnt ready to go to Van again but i gotta go. that time was about "business" but..
it didnt work out, and i felt bad. honey and i spent more time together. and then... i knew him more.
it was a difficult time for me to decide whether i should stay and love him completly or i should pull out
my love a bit. and i chose to stay and trust him with my total heart. i'm glad that i chose to stay. coz..
i'm a difficult person too actually.. as in.... yea i trust ppl easily and trust alot... but.. about relationship,
i'm not so good in it. i give in alot, that's my personality toward the ppl i love.. but i wonder if i'm mature
enough to love.. and i'm insecure. so... it wasnt easy for me to..... accept myself and being with some-
one so close but without any concerns. it's almost impossible.. coz... i feel like i'm born with it.. i'm just
a natural thinker that have lots of questions and concerns. i'm born with my curiousity and passion in it.
well..

when i left... i didnt know how sad he was.. but i was definitiely sad.. i didnt wanna show him...
but.. yea.. i was .. sad. and i didnt know what is gonna happen. for an insecure person like me..
it's absolutely scary and... torturing. not coz i wanna keep my eyes on the one i love, but i just... i 'm
just very afraid of being left out or.. sth like that. and so.. i dont like ppl screwing my schedule or trying
to arrange MY schedule. coz i need to know and make sure things are fine and will be fine with me.

back to HK.. started work right the day.. it's crazy.. and lots of work to follow. then... waited will ard 2
months.. school started. just a few weeks ago. have been very busy and serious doing things.
so many things happened.. just alot and alot. i adapt to the life back in HK pretty fast. but everytime
when i think of the days in Van.. especailly when i looked at the pics.. i cry. it's pretty sad.. coz..
i know i will be back there. just... something happened only within those days. never be able to go back
never be able to revise anything. it's done, and passed, and gone. so... the next time i send Cyn flowers
those wont be pink, next time when i met up with Louisa, it would not be the same. when i have lunch
or dinner with Lisa and Dennis, i couldnt wear slepping clothes with slippers in front of the tv. and you
know.. i havent seen Ade for a really long time already. Alesja too.. Victoria too.. i saw Cap in HK, but
that's different. things changed alot, changed too fast. while i'm able to catch things up, i might have
already left those wonderful days since long. when i look back, everything is changed. and i cant turn
back time. ppl say young ppl should always move on and move on.. take chances, make changes,
take challenges... so true.. but... what am i doing? it's just.. so different from the one i was in Van.
but i'm the same person.

i started to tink about my future... more like... want to really do something for my future.. not just talk.
i always think about my future, but it used to be like still so far away.. but now... i think i should make
some decision again. am i gonna stay in HK... what if i move to Van... i know it wont be easy either way.
the person i love and miss everyday is over there. my friends with the wonderful days happened
there.. but my history and family.. some other friends are here. and the thing is.. after moving to there,
i might be facing lots of changes that i cant not believe. am i thinking too much now?
i know i wanna be there, stay there, live there... i wanna be with him. i wanna live there with him.
and i'm so afraid.. coz... it's an unknown. i'm gonna need to be able to be responsible for myself totally.
it's just... a huge responsiblity to be with someone you love, that's still okay.. and you gotta live far
away from your family and other friends and the home town... in my life.. when i was young... i just
have my family and friends in HK.. my world is running ard these ppl everyday.. and someday i am
gonna leave them and start a new life elsewhere.. i think.. it's a really big challenge for me, coz i do
love and care about my family and friends here. now i realize that i wanna go not coz i wanna run
away from HK. i wanna go only coz i wanna stay with the man i love in another city i love.

omg.. i shouldnt cry. i'm thinking too much.. i should go to sleep..
i guess i'm sad coz these days are stressed at wrok and school.. .. .

>>December 4, 2008 at 6:38:18 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 3 日 星期三 【晴】

today... same same.. work... TIRED.

i was very busy the whole day... doing different things at once..
then.. evening i did alot of christmas stuffs for christmas. tired..

i talked with Carole today.. hummm.. she was a bit shock about the comaplain from Ella..
she wasnt happy about that too. well..... i dont know.. i feel kindda bad still.. but Ella looks normal.
i talked with honey about that again... he suggested me something.. yea.. i'm thinking of that..
yea.. i feel like i've been working hard in this company.. i do give in lots and pay lots of efforts,
so.. i do feel bad.. not coz of the criticisum but... the mesg behind. i just dont get it.
humm Shan is supposed to come to the office tomorrow.. but i wonder if she can make it. i dont know.
and then.. i do need to plan for myself as in.. i'm graduating.. then... maybe it's time to leave Elchards.
the thing is.. i wanted to continoue but.. i just cant work with someone who doesnt understand what
i have been doing for him or her, or say.. the person just has no ideas of what s/he has. i know.. lots
of typical hong kong fresh grad wouldnt say much, they would just stay or go.. my case... its kindda
weird already, coz i have been working here for 2 years sth.. i should have left long ago but i didnt.
i guess sometimes loyalty is kindda stupid but i do value myself on that. so.. after 2 years sth... and
my boss eventually takes things for granted and think i'm still her friend.. i think i got messed up.
well.. what should i do? i dont wanna make decision on my own.. coz Shan has been helping me lots
at the office.. and then i have just talked with Carole, asking her about my work performance and how
she sees me as a co-worker.. so... all i need to know is what Shan thinks..

i stayed till almost 9 pm.. i was doing the christmas decoration on my own.. it was okay.. i like doing
decoration things actually. then i saw Dr.Chan's e-mail.. hee.. my questionnaire and invitation letter are
approved already. i'm gonna photo copy them and send to the schools tomorrow. hummm..

then.. just now.. i just sent the invitation for my grad photo session. it would be on the Dec 14, in the
Tai Po Waterfront Park. i dont knwo who would come.. but at least a few of my friends would come =)
i dont need lots of ppl but at least a few is fine! haha. ok.. i wish honey could be here.

actually i'm quite happy.. coz my post arrived there already! honey is gonna pick up in the next few hrs.
heehee... i hope he would like it. i dont know if he would open it right after or wait till christmas. hee.
it would be great if he could open it in front of me though hahaha. i dont know..


i'm so tired.. i'm kindda exhausted.. but i cant let myself down.. coz.. i still have lots of things to do..
and you know.. i do take things seriously.. so.. when Ella said something like that to me.. it's not just
some reminder, it's actually kindds like... the denial on my job, but she was putting a smile with some
nice sentences. if she's not satisfied with my work why not just say it straight. this hurts me lots actually.
i know work is work.. but.. i... i think i do... feel hurt.

what i'm doing now.. is... not just some christmas things.. christmas for me is not just sending gifts or
cards, it's.. the end of the year. i dont know if i would still be alive next year, i dont know what would
happen tomorrow.. so i just wanna spend the best time in the end of the year.. wanna give thanks..
and you know.. i think my work is important.. i think business is important.. but personally... to be
honest, her business is fine. i have my eyes on that. she is fine. but... my research... is very important
to me as in it would weight quite a lot in my further study. it's PSY499, a senior project... if i dont do it
as perfect as i can, i will regret. and for the master application.. this project is gonna be important for
that. there's no sec chance for this, i cant retake it. and it's kindda hard to handel the whole research
on my own. i dont wanna do a so-so job, i want it great. so.. i'm very serious. in fact.. whille i'm doing
my personal things, i still handel the office well. nothing wrong, so.. again.. i dont understand. and i'm upset.

i wish in the future... i could be a happy person.. i would be a happy wife... i would be a happy mom,
i would be a happy daugther, i would be.. a happy person. i would be a great person to the others
ard me. Cas... go back to bed. ha...

>>December 3, 2008 at 5:47:28 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

hello.

today i woke up, had breakfast, then went to work.
well.. did lots of work actually.. then.. busy busy.. then working on my research sometimes.. then..
yea.. just do whatever i can or i should. but then when i think about what Ella said then i just... feel
quite annoyed. it's like.. okay whatever. i walked in and out the office several times today.. busy doing
everything.. then she came back this evening, she seems normal as usual. i didnt say anything much.
i walked out to buy stuffs...

this afternoon.. i wonder what i hsould do or say when Shan come back HK.. i dont know how she
would react as well. then.. i questioned myself if i am over-reacting... i dont know. then i kindda talked
with Carole.. coz.. i wanna make a little evaluation for myself.. from the others of course. i dont wanna
give stress to anybody but at least i wanna see how others see me... i asked Carole if she has time
tomorrow to meet up for a coffee at lunch. then.. she said she would come over in the morning. great.

and the thing is... since i graduate... i should make some changes too. coz.. i should move on.

Henry text mesged me today. he said he needs to go to Malasia first, he would come to HK next week.
he apologized to me. then... i didnt know what to say.. well i texted back. i told him that... i dont understand
him. i should be honest with him that i wont be comfortable to be friend with him since so much have
happened between me and him and the others. so.. i was surprised that he's coming.. but... yea..
anyway good luck. i wrote something like that to him. then after long he texted back that it's ok, he
understands. actually.. i think.. if we do meet up, i would only bring back about all the questions i want
to knwo about, which i dont think it's that necessary since it's so long time ago and i dont feel anything
for him anymore. he should be ashamed but he has never apologized for what he did to me. so..
i guess it's pretty nice of me not to tell his girlfriend or.. say.. pretty fair to him but not myself.
but i just dont wanna keep thinking maybe one day he would come talk to me again. coz it's just like
living in the past and facing the mirror by myself asking what i did and who i was. i dont want it.
i want to move on, without someone who has hurt me so bad. i do wanna be mean and harsh to him
but i stopped coz i think... this is just not me. he might deseve the bitchy side of me but i just dont want.
so.. he's lucky. hahaha.

i'm gonna work on my research again tonight.

>>December 2, 2008 at 4:49:23 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 30 日 星期日 【晴】

hi..

i didnt sleep last night. i finally made the questionnaire and the letter to the school. i havent translated
them into Chinese yet. i was so exhausted actually. then i was like.. i went to bed ard 8 40 am after
shower.. then i just woke up ard 10 45 am.. 2 hrs sleep. crazy. then.. washed up and got ready to
leave. i e-mailed Dr.Chan for my research... then i went to school to pick up my cap and gown...
humm.. then i went to Marks & Spencer to buy the cosy slipper shose.. and i rushed back to the office.
damn it.. i was so tired.. i bought a coffee from starbucks.. the gingerbread soya latte. i felt better with
that coffee. it was very smooth and the foam was creamy. i love it. i didnt find strong taste of gingerbread.
it just tates like... normal latte with hazelnut syrup.

last night when i was working over night, i had 3 biscuts, then this morning and afternoon no food..
only apple juice in the morning, and coffee ard 4 sth pm.

i confirmed with the lady today when i was on the train back to school..
i wanna take that job. but i dont know if i would need an interview or sth. she said HR dept ppl would
contact me soon. i wanna try, i really wanna.. then i want that money as well. then i dont know..
i would be so busy rushing my paper, i should probably say no to that lady.. but i really want to take
this challenge.

back to work.. i saw the mesgs on the log book.. then i had been working for that... from 4 45 till 8 pm.
i didnt do anything beside work and chatting with honey. but you know.. i was working more than
talking anyway.. untill i checked the e-mail.. coz Ella asked me to.. then i found her letter to me and
Agnes. i was reading it.. and it's like.. it's a complaint letter no matter how she tried to phase it better.
it doesnt fool me.

sigh. i felt very bad for that actually.. coz for me.. it all doesnt make sense. in 8 points, there is only 1
i would accept. but the others... i dont think so..
should i post them here? i dont know.. i took a walk home.. and i bought some cousin from a
warehouse.. then i have been thinking... how should i face this criticisum... like... should i be possitive
about it or be negative about it. should i say nothing or should i say something. i was quite angry.
i told honey about those but i didnt go into details. i forwarded to Shan as well. but she's in Taiwan
now. humm i'm pretty angry. but.. still.. if i have places done not right, then ppl would criticize on me..
so it's kindda unavoidable.. just that i wonder if i should say something coz i find it really not cool.
especially i think that... theres only 1 out of 8 was right. but i dont wanna argue with her.. honey taught
me to write her back.. humm yea i think so.. but i wanna disucss with Shan first. but she would be
back tomorrow late night.. and i should let her rest too. so.. i dont know. sigh. Cas.. are you cool to be
criticized? i think i'm okay, but i am angry coz she is kindda unfair and.. she doesnt understand at all.
she seems saying thank but actually it's just so fake. she doesnt mean to say something good at all.
all she wants was to bitch at me. not even Shan but me. i stay longer time and i do most of the jobs.
she is pointing to me actually.

---

Dear Agnes/Castor,

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for handling the office very well and also for having been able to recruit
new students. You've both done a good job.
(THANK YOU. But i think she doesnt mean that...)

But there are a few things I'd like to mention.
(there we go)

1) Sometimes, the handbooks are not up to date. There are students who don't have brown envelopes
on the third lesson, some are overdue and some handbooks simply not stamped. This simply means
that we don't have enough income for that month because of overdue payment. I have to pay
teachers, so even when they are late to pay, I need to pay my teachers on time. It is extremely
important to keep their handbooks up to date. From now on, I'd like you to use a printable calendar to
record payment due. On every third lesson, I'd like you to mark down their name so that when they do
pay, you can cross off his/her name. Please keep this up to date. There seems to be loose paper here
and there, try to put them in a ring file or a lock file. This is very important as we did not reach out
quota this month due to unsettled payments. Please look at the log book and try to see who hasn't paid.
We have many students but we are actually earning pretty much the same amount as before which I
find strange.

(you dont find earning alot? let me do the calculation for you, coz i'm responsible for that, and you call
me and i do i every the end of the month. i know how much income we have and how much we pay
every month. you dont seem earning as much, coz your expenses is raising, and coz you need to pay
for a full time teacher and the MPF. i do give the brown envelopes on their every third lesson. the kids
lost it sometimes or they just dont pay. how often do you find them not having that envelope on time?
in my memorries, there only happened twice, on the Sat, which is the busiest day in a week. and you
know what? some parents are just very poor and they hardly afford the tution. they have over due,
but they pay back, and then next lesson they would be supposed to pay again. i do knwo that they
are not gonna pay coz they would say they have just paid! which is true. why not wait for a week?
if you keep hurrying them to pay what they cant do, they would only quit. if you give them time to pay,
they will pay and continoue, and tell the others we care about good education rather just 1 lesson
overdue. if you are freaking bored, you could go check every lines of the log book and find out who
has been paying on time or how ofthen they should pay. you would find that's pain in the ass and
as meaningless. you dont waste time this way to check on income. this is stupid.)

2) There are folders everywhere. Please arrange them accordingly. The drawers of the reception
table is very bulky. Try to put things together to keep files/folders in order.
(there are no folders everywhere. they are in order, and we know exactly where thigns are, only
ecept the day you come back to the office, then we start to lose files.)

3) If there is ANY important information, please tell me or Carole. She is often upset because no one
tells her anything and then she finds things out last minute. If you do forget, please write it down. THat
is what the log book is there for.
(she finds things at the last min? so do i. if i do forget, please write it donw, coz that's what the log
book for.. okay.. do you think i'm an idiot? i forget no matter what i write, i still forget. in fact, there're
lots more to think about and remember than you think. we're supposed to back up the teachers and
take care of the office, so we do have LOTS more to think about than you think. you dont know coz
you are not us. you're only the boss who keeps asking for things. the fucking chair has been broken
for a whole year, and now you finally changed coz that day you seat for a few hrs, but usually... you
dont sit here, but we are here. the pencil sharpener is broken for a year too, but you think it's exp to
get a new one, so we dont have one. Carole complaint on that too, do you know that? you do.)

4) You have made a walk-in list but you don't update it. Why not?
(i dont update it, coz it's not helping us on the daily bases. but if you do prefer adding work load on us,
fine, i would do it. my bad. in fact, you keep changing in your own new systems. which one should i
take? yours or mine, boss?)

5) Please tick all present students at all times.
(of course i do. how many times you have seen i didnt do that? once a while for some classes, coz
those time were very busy, as in there were paretns and phone calls i need to handel. are you stupid
to blame me on that? you dont think before you complain, do you? and think about it. that day both Shan
and i were not at the office, you were there, did you tick that shcedule? NO. you didnt.)

6) Please tend to what needs to be done before you do your personal things (especially when busy).
(yea right. i put everything on the table, but i have no time to look into them. the only time you saw that
day was actually the day i need to rush packing stuffs for christmas. in fact, that day was peaceful,
i have done everything i should have done, nothing was wrong, everything was fine. why you complaint?
i was multi-tasking, but i did everything right. what's the problem with you?)

7) Lastly, please dress appropriately when going to work. This way, we can gain more respect from
people. Something that looks smart is best.
(me? do i look stupid when i come to work? i wear casual these days coz i have not much work
clothes which are like those formal dress or suits. i do have some but i dont want to wear that. there
is only me wearking like that. and the thing is.. if i'm smart, i am smart. when i speak, ppl would know.
my clothes are not that important, especailly i'm taking about i dont wear stupid clothes. i am presentable.
you should know that who is dressing with big deep-v with the boobies shown. that's you not me. you
should know that i'd never wear mini skirt or shorts to work. my skirts are long enoug, and my t-shirt
doesnt have any prints or flowers on. yea i wear tight pants, coz it's freaking cold. what else? have
you ever seen me wearing jeans to work?! Never! if you want me freaking wearing suits, give me
clothing allowance. i'm clean, neat, with suitable make up on. i have good manner, the parents like me,
the teachers and students like me, what are you particularly complaining my appearance about??
coz i look stupid? i dont look stupid, if i am not good enough to be your company representative, go
find someone else who looks better than me. yea, you should compare me with those other girls in
the shops around, you would know your staffs are actually pretty presentable already.)

8) Please write the expenses on a separate sheet during the month. Then, make sure that you
calculate the expenses and file them.
(everything is on the log book, you dont see it or what? if you need that caculation, ask. i will do it.
seperate sheet.. another seperate sheet. and you complain about too mant sheets. i'm trying to
organize stuffs, and you come back, then i need to re-do everthing. and you complaint.)

I hope you keep these points in mind. It's difficult to follow up on everything being in the situation I'm in.
I understand that you have things going on that are important too but I'd appreciate it if we can try to
run the centre more efficiently.
(you dont fucking follow up. you start one thing, then leave the other things, and we help you to follow
up and clean the mess.what kind of situation you are in? we do the operation everyday. we face
everything at front and at the first minute. we talk to ppl, the paretns and teachers, we process the
work, we think and suggest you ideas. when you ask, and question, we help you. what kind of
situation you're in. you only worry about how much you can earn and you have to pay. you come in
acting like a big boss with lots of smile and attitude, questioning on your staffs then you leave.)

Thanks.

Ella

(thanks, Ella. by the way, i dont care how many students like you, there are always some wont buy
your lessons, and if they dont like you.. that doesnt mean the end of the world. do you wanna tell me
that you're the queen of the world, so everyone have to like your lesson? in fact, you're not "that
good compared to all the teachers. i have seen so many good teachers much better than you, so dont
be surprised.)

i dont know.. i'm angry.. but i dont wanna act bitchy to her.
i should take her criticism but i'm so unhappy. i really gotta find a way to tell her things, and i think she
should know. and the thing is.. i will try to find another job soon. i like Elchards Education.. but sometimes
when you work so hard, and your boss is being a bitch to you, you just wanna run away.
honey asked me to quit, and then she would be fucked. for me... i think it's pretty possible.
but should i do that though.. she asked me not to do personal things untill the jobs are done. you know
sometimes you cant finish every jobs, coz they do take time on process. and if you keep saying we
have been handeling your business well, then why you said it's not going efficent? you can see we
do have lots of new students.. and sometimes i cant control the students to come or not. i have been
doing my really best, there are so much i cant do coz i'm just a staff here. i dont have much control
or power in this company. i think i would be a better boss than she but i am not a boss. and she should
know that she asked us to do lots of personal work for her too. so, what's that? friend or boss?
when she panic so many things at the office asking for advice.. have i ever screwed on her? no.
i have been so loyal to her and the company. when everything is going fine, why is she bitching at me?
i think it's good for her to know that i'm a vaulable staff, as so do the otehr ppl can see, and that's why
other ppl come asking me to work for them. Sophia, my ex-boss, this lady, my aunt, etc. i didnt leave.
why? beside the selfish reason, the otehr thing i weight so much is the loyalty and our friendship.
apparently, she doesnt appreciate at all though she said she does. it's just so fake.

anyway.. i have already made my schedule.. it's like.. i'm gonna be super busy till mid Jan. well.. yea..
my schedule used to be like... super busy till mid Dec.. now it's postponded.. i would be super busy
till mid Jan.

>>December 1, 2008 at 5:24:01 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 29 日 星期六 【晴】

hello.

i slept at 4 last night... i was chatting with honey before... i was on webcam..
then.. yea.. i woke up ard 1 pm. so.. it's like 9 hrs sleep.. i could sleep longer, but i woke up coz of the
stomachache.. then.. washed up and made breakfast/lunch. then i started working on the research,
then took a break doing some personal thing... then also chatting with honey.. then took a walk to
Tai Po center. i need to buy highlight pen. then mom wants to come with me.. i got 20% off at the
Body Shop, today is the last day.. so.. yea... we went there as well. last night Carole was supposed
to go with me, coz she wants to buy the cranberry stuffs.. but no.. after work i just went home.
Queenie wanted to meet up but end up she was too tired, she was asleep. then i just went home.
so i gave a call to Carole to see if she needs anything still. then we met at The Body Shop.. she bought
lots of stuffs, i dont need anything actually. i bought enough few months ago. so yea.. i was there..
but i do like their christmas limited edition. i love their golden apple, but they dont have that anymore.
now it's cranberry, amber, and plum. for me.. i like amber more than cranberry for christmas. but.. yea.
my golden apple shimmer lotion and body butter are still like 80% new. i only used 20%. so i shouldnt
get anymore though i do like that amber thing. but i got a free gift from my memembership card.. then
i just got some room frangance of cranberry. it would be very christmasy. i eventually see Carole's
husband Ken. he seems very nice. he has a very sweet smile haha. no wonder Carole loves him. haha.
Carole is very happy to have married him. but she always got some little complaint about him. she
always talk to me like how her husband doesnt answer phone call, only sms... or he would be happy
if she gets a cold coz she wouldnt talk too much at home. haha i always laugh when i listened to her.
it's kindda funny to hear her complaint. coz we all know that it's not complaint, it's just some cute sweet
comments, coz in the end she would just say something good about him and then she smiles. haha.
then i would just say "ohhhhh.." then i smile =) then her smile would grow even bigger. haha.

yea.. i am workingo n the research questionaire. i dont know how i am gonna make only 20 ques.
it's like i have done so many research to find out the original profiles and assessments, and other
questionare, but Dr. Chan wants me to make my own questionaire.. 20 ques are not gonna be enough
to cover everything. i dont know.. it's just a bit difficult to do, coz.. my topic is kindda wide.. how to
use 20 ques to test on everything? then i just kept reading and studying others researches now.
i m thinking if i should sleep tonight or just stay up untill i could finish writing my own questions and the
school letters. it's such the pain in the ass to write things in Chinese. but you have to make these in
Chinese, coz otherwise for the students, Eng is only the sec language. if they find it difficult, they might
not ans my ques, or.. the school would just decide not to help me. so.. bleh....... my chinese is not good.
i'm a bit worried. or i worry too much?

anyway..
i was chatting with honey last night and this afternoon.. i am trying to do whatever i can.. just wanna
make sure he's alright. before i will be there, there's nothing much i can do... but still if i can do one
thing, i will do it. and i want to do it nice for him.

i'm sleepy. humm i wonder if i dont live that far from the shops, then maybe when i get up, i can easily
go grab a brekafast with coffee.. if i live by myself, then i could just manage my own schedule more
flexible. i could eat whatever whenever convienient for myself. i could just have my own spacious
place for big book shelfs, big desk, etc.. i can have a fluffy bed. i like carpet. i can have a bigger stove,
in a bigger kitchen, so whenever i wanna make cookies or muffins, or baking pasta, i can just do it that
quick. i wanna make fresh salad, i wanna make fresh bervage everyday. i could have a lot more flexiblities
with myself. i should take a long bath if i live alone. coz the thing is i dont like to bath if there's anyone
at home. i only shower. but if there's no one home, i just take bath. so.. everytime when i travel, i live
by myself in a hotel or sth, i take bath. i think it's nice to live alone actually. i love my family.. but...
sometimes.. it's just nice to live by myself or with a friend or with honey. coz if i live by myself, i could
have much more freedom and space.

i'm doing a topic about self-concept and school performance. before i started this topic, i had lots of
ques and belief on my mind.. but.. i havent really go out collecting data, then after reading so many
researches and literatures, i have already got some ideas.. so.. i dont know. see what i can find out
later. it's just some learning process. there are just... so much i can study in, like.. so deep if i wanna
dive in. but.. it's like... omg. i know i dont need to do that much, coz i'm only undergrad level. but.. yea..
i do see alot and learn a lot from the others, they just did the very great job.. brilliant. so.. when i am
doing my own, and Dr. Chan asked me to relax coz i dont need to do that much, then i wonder.. yea..
but i wanna do as perfect as much as i can. so.. i dont know. it's kindda weird for me. coz i know i
can do as great, but i just cant now coz there is some time limit and i have other things to do aside as
in i need to work and stuffs.

one of the parents at office wants to hire me, offers me a position for some hixabition presentation.
it's toy production presentation. i am quite interested in it. i m not into the toy design or stuffsl ike that.
but i'm interested in the presentation, like what would i need to do and the ppl and company i will see
in the presentation. i have done some sorts of things before for McDonald's. i think this time would be
more challenging, and if i do it good, maybe i would be offered other better jobs. and maybe i will
meet some other big companies. i might could create another kind of network. it's always good to know
different ppl in HK, coz.. if you have bigger network here, you always have better chances. so..
i dont know.. i might take this offer. it's only 4 days job. but then it would be like right before my own
research due day. it might be a bit too busy for me. that's the only thing i concern about. but it would
be the great exp anyway.. it might not help much for my future in Canada, but life exp is always good.
and the thing is.. i can make bonus on that.. that would help paying for my trip next year.

ok... brb.

>>November 30, 2008 at 12:56:53 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 28 日 星期五 【晴】

i should stop being paraniod.

i'm still at the office.. i was so unhappy yesterday.
i cried somehow.. today when i woke up, i had a bad mood, but.. i guess... i feel bad for what i said
and wrote last night. so... i wish i could take those back. well... i guess the good part is.. here is the
only space i could express everything happening with me everyday. i dont bring those to home sharing
with family. i dont update everything to my close friends everyday. i might talk to honey everyday if he
has time, and he does give me time.. but still somewhere personal for myself here is the only place.
anyway i dont know who still have this password here, and i dont know who came visit here. but.. it
doesnt matter... no matter what.. i dont want to make my life so misrable, and my blog here reflects
everything. i try to live happily.. and dnot be as sensitive or paranoid.. i'm trying to be... learning to relax
myself more.. like... not to stress out too much. i just want to be not as paranoid, coz i feel very bad
everytime and it just makes me sick as in... when i'm being too sensitive i tend to think stupidly or tend
to be easily upset and i dont want it. anyway.. i think i am kindda sorry for being paranoid lately. maybe
i just need some time.

i come to work today.. and yea i'm still at work. i come working earlier.. so.. i can have more time to
prepare before classes started. i am less stress today. and so far i'm doing good. after work i would go
to the body shop with CArole. then i dont know if Queenie wants to meet up. just so long havent seen
her actually. or i might go home. then tomorrow i would be doing my research ting again. i know i'm
already like a few days behind. so.. gotta chase back time. i think i can do that. as long as i'm not burnt
out yet, i would be capabale to finish stuffs.

i dont know if honey not feeling good with me or what. i think.. it would need some time, it would take
time for me to step forward and adjust myself more in a relationship. so.. i know he has been patient,
and.. i've been trying hard too. i hope this would work out, coz i do love him alot. but i do need to quit
being over sensitive on things. just... gotta learn to relax i guess.

>>November 29, 2008 at 8:32:23 AM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】

hello.

i was working on the christmas card and fainlly puting everything in the postal bag.
hummm i still have some cards to write, but now i'm happier coz at least i have already sent the
package to honey already.

lunch with parents, back to work. went to the bank as well.. working on the christmas card, then yea..
also working on the research. did some reading. then... yea. today is getting a bit colder again.
winter really comes now, right? would that be hot next week again? weird weather~~

you know... Cas.. you had so much to say in the past few days.. but what i see you is that... you dont
want to leave him. and you dont know why. i cant find a single reason why i love him, but at the same
time no matter how bad time i had with him.. i just... get it over.. then when i think of him.. then i smile.
not like a greeting smile, but a real smile even though i was just walking alone on street.
if i could, i wish i could just be there, and tell him and show him how much i love him. i'm kindda shy..
it might take me some time and courage to do so. buti will still do it. Cas... i want you to ask yourself if
you're really going back to Canada next year. i... i think so... before he can come over, i must make the
effort to be there. coz.. he's just the man i love.

>>November 27, 2008 at 1:38:35 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】

now it's already 27th morning.. 12 50 am.

humm.. the whole afternoon i was at the office.. working.. and doing the christmas stuffs.. then i end
up wrapping gifts and cards. i enjoyed it =)

this morning. actualyl not really morning..Henry called me suddenly. i wasnt sure who was in the phone
at first. i kept saying hello then i asked like who's that. then he said it's me, Henry. he said like.. he is
going to HK next week. i said okay. he asked how are you and stuffs.. i said yea i'm good just busy.
i didnt know what to say to him. it's like why he suddenly called? then he said he wanted to meet up
when he came. i said ok. then he said his mom would be there too if i mind.. then i said ok. i dont know
what to say except "okay" then yea.. he said he would call again.. i said ok and bye bye. it's just so
all of the sudden. the thing is.. i wonder if he knew i hated him before. he should know it somehow..
i just wonder why he still called. he mesged me on Facebook before. but i replied him in a very cold
tone. i told him i wanted to make sure why he talked to me again coz too many things happened before.
then he didnt reply. so i guess he just gave up. anyway.. i was thinking if i should tell Stephen. coz..
the thing is.. i dont really want this kind of stuffs keep bothering us, i know he wont be happy about
Henry.. so i didnt know if i should let Stephen know. but if i dont tell him, and if he finds out later, he
might think i lie to him. so.. i dont know. he told me to not talking with Henry, or hang up. coz if i hate him
then i shouldnt talk to him. well true that i dont really wanna talk with him. but i have been just being
nice to him. not really nice actually. i've been cold to him. just dont get it why he came back.

anyway.. tomorrow would be busy again.. i feel like i have slept alot but still not enough.

you know... sometimes.. i just dont know what it is. i am confused by different ppl in my life.
all in my life, i learn how to be a nice person, how to work hard in my life, how to persue my happiness
and how to achieve dreams, how to be graceful, how to love the ppl ard me, how to make ppl happy
and share the sadness.. i learn to appreciate ppl and things ard me.. learn to plan well and work hard
for everything.. learn to have guts to challenge, to chase after intersting things, to be a strong girl..
learn to be a good girlfriend, a potential good wife.. learn to have dream and learn to love.. but then..
as i grow up, i find that actually thigns arent easy. i met lots of great ppl, i have recieved lots of help
and love from ppl.. and so i also learn to give in. i always be nice to ppl.. i might be always living in a
warm bubble world. but the thing is... i keep these as faiths in myself and in life. so... when it comes to
dealing with diff ppl.. i am scared somehow. and there are just so many things that i dont understand.
but what i'm looking for isnt just an answer, coz i can find them through books or elsewhere.. what i
am looking for is the place for myself that i would be comfortable in. when i believe that i have found
the person i love so much, and when i'm willing to give in so much, then i find that actually... things
arent that perfect, and i do need to make lots of sacrafies. i dont mind to do that, and i have been tring
to be better and better. but it's still not enough. i dont know if i just dont understand him or i dont
understand myself. coz i think i know who i am, and whatever i'm tring to do... i do all with my heart.
i am not faking anything or pretending anything. if i can just pretend whoever i wanna be or just act,
i think i would be much better since i am pretty sure that i can handel well. but... no. i cant act or lie in
front of the ppl i love. i dont think he trusts me on this and i dont understand why he doesnt. it's just
like... it's like... kindda... hurt. i've decided to lose my cool for him, but obviously it's not good enough.
i have done so much not coz to impress him but all are real from my heart and he sees it. but still..
not good enough. sometimes i think i shouldnt talk to him, but i still do. i am doing all the christmas thing
this afternoon. i was happy coz i was doing something for ppl who i care alot. i wish them happy
christmas... i know i love him so much, i know it. his gift is just... the most time consuming and most
time consuming,, and also the most expensive one. i want the best for him. i dont do that for impression
but.. i do wanna do that and i cant control it. i would rather cutting down budget elsewhere and get
him the perfect one i think he might like. but then... when i take a min think about what he said that day
i just got... upset. i dont know when this guy would understand how much he is having from me..
but if he thinks it's not what he wants, maybe he would deserve someone else. coz he is not happy
with me, but.. i have been always tring so hard already. this is not what i want. coz i do love him and
willing to step out from my bubble to be with him. i hope he can trust me just like how much i trust him.

alright.. i have done the cd burning.. i guess i'm gonna sleep in 15 mins.

Sugarcane


>>November 26, 2008 at 5:47:09 PM GMT+8