2008 年 4 月 24 日 星期四 【晴】

hello.
i'm back to work today.

i'm so worried about Miki. it's like she's in crisis now and my parents are blaming on each others.
i know what's going on, but i couldnt speak too much.. coz i'm not professional and they dont trust me.
sigh.... i dont know.. i think i need to talk with her.. but.. i dont know.

then... i just heard the news that... today there's a big recruit for the airline industry in HK today...
they are recruiting ard 1800 ppl in total for different positions. and i didnt know about it... =(
sigh.

Dereck e-mailed back saying "thanks." i dont know why he replied me. i read his last e-mail again..
actually he was just trying to apologize to me, but i was just so angry and i find him so strange.. so..
yea.. i told him i dont care and he didnt need to apologize to me. i dont know, i think if i were living
in my past, i would just unblock him and be friends with him again. but now, i try to... and i just cant.
i unblocked him last night, but i didnt talk to him. and today i just block him again. it's not that i'm still
angry at him, but i think there's no way for me to have a friendship with him again. you know..
i dont wanna force myself to be a super nice person to everyone, esp those i am not sure if i should
be nice with. and i dont wanna put so much efforts for somebody that who doesnt know how to
appreciate me at all. i think it's pretty fair if i have done my part, even though frinedship or anything
eventually dont work out.

got the e-mail from professor Casey again. he seems very busy.. he said he's coming back next year.
haha.. he asked me if i am going to the States. hummm... i think when he comes back we can catch up
a bit more, but hopefully not like the politic class. haha. but at that time, i might not be at school anymore,
unless i would be so lucky ammitted by some local university for the master degree programme, which
i dont know if i would try to apply.

yesterday i was chatting with aunt Pricsilla... she said aunt Debbie might be able to give me a ride..
thanks her so much. i miss Debbie. she's so funny all the time. i dont know.. i still put my shout on
my Facebook and MSN.. hummm.. i guess no friends can help me since it's Fri AM. so... yea... probably,
i would ask aunt Priscilla and Debbie for help...

i miss honey... really. i really miss him lots.. i hope to hear from him soon.

>>April 25, 2008 at 4:52:04 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 22 日 星期二 【晴】

i'm back.

i have problems. everyone have problems.

my sister Miki has problems. and my dad doesnt want me talking with her.
she cried, she burnt out coz of the HKCEE, just like how i was.
i have been through the HKCEE, and i'm a psycholgy student who's been through some theory
studies and conselling practice, and he doesnt let me speak with her. what the heck does that mean?
when i talked with her, she was about to reveal her true feelings and she needs to let that off.
he doesnt let me, and he talks with her. i dont know maybe that works. she stops crying... but it concerns
me. coz.. what she needs is not just the short term tv time to cool down. she needs to reveal her real
situation, to recognize her feelings. i heard their conversation. dad was saying how supportive he
and mom are. he said he doesnt mind her whatever result might be like. for me it's all BULL SHIT.
looked at this.. when i was about to take my HKCEE. they pushed me every days and nights.
never stop nagging. never leave me to take a breath.
after i'm fail on my HKCEE, they think i'm a terrible student. no matter how well i have been doing at
different schools, i'm the A student, and he still think i suck. they still blame my bad result of HKCEE.
is it really that fair? i dont think so. he's lying, he's just lying. they dont know how much stress they
have been costing me in all my learning years. why the hell now they start to say how supportive they
actually are? even when i'm doing my assignment paper over night now, they concern if i'm wasting
the electric at night.
i even wrote a letter to them to tell them to leave me alone when i was so stressed out at studying
for that damn HKCEE. i told them what they were doing were not helping me but hurting me and
stressing me up. and all the things happened afterward was just silent. but it doesnt change anything.
they still think i'm a failure, and think that Miki would make a difference. and so yea, now it's her tern,
and she burnt out. good father makes a good talk, how supportive it is, how warm it is.
and now he doesnt want me talking with my sister coz he thinks i would make her crying more?
if now she cries that could help her, just let her.
she's about to start talking about her problems. it's actually not healthy at all. you just let her start,
but you're not letting her to speak, but that's all she would need untill she will finish the whole exam.
so now you want her to cry everynight just about to let you know she's stressed and she needs you
to baby talk with her? that doesnt help her in long term, not even long enough till the HKCEE done.

i'm unhappy. coz it's like...
when problems come to me, i'm always the one would be critized. so i just found that today that...
actually... i thought my parents didnt expect anything from me, but the fact is hell no. they expect
me as perfect as i could be. so no matter if it's just some minor mistake or anything they would tell
me i am wrong and teach me how to make things up. and the saddest thing is that... he doesnt even
remember or trust me that i could talk with my sister about her problems. what a shame?
maybe if i were not the eldest... if i were not a girl... everything would have been different..

just now i was watching tv alone in the bedroom.. i have thought of lots of things..
i think i'm more like a guy. you know how guys act? they dont like to let ppl know their feelings,
coz it shows their weakness. i dont show my weakness to my family, schoolmates,
teachers, and workmates. so i'm always strong at school, work, and family. i dont let my
family ppl see me crying. i hide it as much as i can. i would cry when i'm alone, but not showing
anyone. i dont tell them about my feelings and personal things. i do that to my girl friends or maybe
honey... only those i think i would trust for the real suport and comfort.

that actually reminds me my childhood. when i was living in the other families, i dont think they care
about me that much or i was just scared them. i'm not going into details here, coz it's not the good idea
to relate too much psycho stuffs here.. anyway... it's good enough for myself to realize today...
eventually i know whether i am weak or strong. i'm a weak person.. but most of the time.. i am acting
strong.. but when i'm alone.. i am just very weak. i hate ppl knowing this.. coz... it's like.... whatever.
it makes no difference to me whether you know it or not. it doesnt change anything. while everyone
is asking me to be stronger, who is the person actually accept the weak side of me in real?
i think it's myself only... or maybe a few more really close friends.

everytime when they saw me cring at home, the only thing they were saying is... that... i should stop
crying and be strong. i wasnt able to tell my reasons and problems, they were not patient with me..
they just want me to shut up and be normal again. how much emotions i have repressed down for the
god sake of looking normal again? is that all we need to learn about is to act as strong as we can?
so i guess guys cant blame why the girls nowaday are much stronger than before or a bit over bitchy.
coz over the years you guys were not paying attention to what girls truely need, and so we are gaurd
on now and fight like a guy. the parents think they're the king in control of their kids. and now they
grow up as strong as you want them to be but not listening to you, and you are upset saying how bad
your kids are. i think it all is just like a joke.

anyway... i'm just a bit more emtotional tonight..

just now i got Denis's mesg from Facebook... they cant come to pick me up, coz they would need
to work. that's what i guessed too. Fri morning.. if it's evening it might be okay..
so yea... i know it... maybe i just need to make it by myself..

and i just got an e-mail from professor Casey. omg.. i thought he is in the States now, is he?
he e-mailed me a link and asked me if i'm interested in US Politics.. he sent me the news of Upper Iowa..
i'm gonna reply him tomorrow morning after readiing that. ha.. does he think that i'm interested in
Politics very much? hummm actually... before i chose that course, i have been always against
Politics, coz whatever politics happened in HK is quite stupid in my eyes.. i dont like them at all.
i love HK Government, but they're not doing the very great job, and those other political parties suck.
so i hate politics here. it's small, boring and stupid. i took the course, coz i wanna see if it happens
the same in the US. but actualyl i find politics fun. so.. yea... but i'm not living in the US.
i'm just kind of surprised that he e-mails me. i have bought him a card actually but never written yet..
anyway... yea.. i'm glad to recieve his e-mail. it's nice and i will get back to him tomorrow.

i know that... i need to be strong.. i have been learning to be a better me... i eventually realize that
i'm actually a weak person... and i accept it as who i am... even though i'm weak, i would survive,
i know i could get through the dark side and i will shine on my bright side. i'm not fear anymore.

>>April 24, 2008 at 3:24:34 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 22 日 星期二 【晴】

hi !
Castor's back to work.

yesterday i woke up watching tv, then rushed to leave home with Miki and dad.
mom was waiting for us then we had dim sum together. Miki felt sick, she cried. so.. we took her
to the clinic then it started raining.. back home resting, watching tv.. but i couldnt sleep last night.

this rainny morning i woke up a bit earlier, coz i gotta come back to the office earlier. but the bus was late..
and so i was late. sigh. the teacher and the students were waiting for me.

anyway... i got kind of bad news that when i go over, honey might still be out of town. and... i'm not
sure when he'll be back. i'm a bit sad. so... no one is coming to pick me up now.. and i'm thinking how
to get to his place by bus. it should be fine if it's not raining.. but it's just..... a bit upset to take 3 transits
by myself with the heavy baggage. and the thing is... i dont know when will he be back. i could wait
for him at his house, but i dont know if Ayako would mind. and... what if she doesnt like me? i could
enjoy my time there before honey's back.. but... i'm just a bit sad there would be no hurry for me to
check out at the airport coz i know there would be no one welcoming me at the airport. so i could let
everyone go first and i could be the last now, right? why my honey couldnt come back earlier? does
he know that i would need him to be there for me... i would miss him alot...
so... there would be no surprise at the airport anymore..

i left the personal mesgs on Facebook and MSN to see if any friends in Van might be free on the May 16.
so i would have some little help instead of all by myself. actually i wont mind i dont have a ride, but at
least have someone to meet me at the airport, right? Lisa's husband Denis mesg me back.. it's so nice
of them.. they live in West boardway... it might be a bit far for them to come picking me up. but if not...
it might be all by myself.

anyway, i hope that things would be fine... and wish honey good luck..
also wish Miki good luck on her HKCEE.

i prayed for Miki and honey last night.. i was crying... i just wish things would be fine soon..

humm =) just now... a student walked by with his aunt. it's very nice of them.. ha...
the kid comes talking with me about his fav toy. he teaches me how to play, and his aunt left me a box
of organge juice. she told me the kid Cyrus wanted to shared with me his toy yesterday but i was not
at the office so today he came back. haha.. he's so cute =)
thanks.. the neighbourhood here is quite nice... like Candy, the lady of the next store.. she's always
nice to me. just now i bought some biscuit from her, i said hi. she saw me and gave me such nice
compliments again. sometimes it really makes me think that if i really look good or they're just being nice
to me? coz.. my girl friends in HK dont think i look good. some think i look weird, some say i'm fat.
ha... anyway.. thank=) it brighten up my day a bit.

>>April 23, 2008 at 4:57:23 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 20 日 星期日 【晴】

=) HI

hummmm yesterday was a good resting day... not very relaxing... but still can rest and relax a bit.
i met aunt Priscilla for dim sum... took my flight ticket... then... walked ard... and met my family..
we hang ard Sha Tin.. had dinner.. then back home resting.

today woke up then watching tv... then... rushing to leave home.. i went to Prince Edward to teach..
then went to Esprit.. did some little shopping with my VIP vouceher... hummm i got special discount,
and $100 voucher.. so.. yea... i bought a bag in white colour, quite nice... and a baby girl style tank in green..
very cheap price but really cute, sunny, and sexy haha.

then rushed back to school.
yes, i'm back to school to sit in the class, Conflicts Resolution. omg.. haha.. it's the 6th lessons,
and i find it's a bit hard to catch up the whole idea... but it was okay. many students didnt quite
understand the notes today, but i'm ok.. i survive. ha =) it was a bit funny... coz in the end... i was
leaving school.. and i met a few classmates. we took train home together.. and we laughed alot..
they're so funny.. i dont know their name but they're so funny. i had a fun time.

then yea.. tmr... i need to send the bottles to The Body Shop for recycle.. hummmm.. wanna rest and
relax a bit. i might take a walk to the water front park by myself if i have time.

i wrote a letter for honey =) i hope that he would recieve it before leaving. hee.
i miss him so much these days... and i always dream of him.. i miss him..

>>April 21, 2008 at 5:33:59 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 18 日 星期五 【晴】

hello..
Now it's actually Sat night, hummmmm 12 48am of the 20th.

okay.. today was a bit boring... when i looked at outside, its all dark and raining.. how depressing it is..
it's typhoon signal no. 3 this morning... but then... it rains too hard... and it was like the flood..
i got wet when i left the office. it was quite crazy...

back home watching Simpson Movie. it was quite funny actually. i kept laughing =) erased my boredom.

you know what.... i had McDonald's today. i havent eaten McDonald's for so long already... and i had
happy meal for my sisters. they both want the toy. sometimes i do that coz i wanna get the toy too haha.

hummmm... i e-mailed Dr. Chan last night. he replied me. ha.. i said many students go to his Mon night
class. i dont have any classes this term but i am kindda missing the school days.. i asked him if he
minds i would come sitting in. its actually an interesting course, coz it's Conflicts Resolution. hee.
then he replied, he's very happy to recieve my mesg and i am welcomed to attend to his class.
i could actually feel him through his " ! "s. hahaha... okok.. i will go.. =) it would be great to sit in the
classroom again, being a student, let my brain runs. it would be great to see my friends there.. ha...
on Facebook, we got a small group.. and privately... Apple and Victo always try to organize some
gathering or outing.. yea.. now, two activities are pending.. one is the Korean BBQ All You Can Eat..
the other one is the Ice-skating + food. hummmmmmmm hee =)

then... just now Dennis called me.. i was thinking if i should take his call.. i didnt really wanna ans his
call, but i wondered if he has changed his mind again or maybe this time he really needs help.. so..
yea i asnwered. then... same same.. i dont really think he has read all the materials i have sent him.
it wasnt really much, only 5 sites. and most of them are talking something very similar but just each
one got their special part... that's why i said if he has read, that would be much more than enough
for his paper..

i used to read more than 20 sites, some extra notes plus books in a week. if i used some big cases,
i actually study the cases in every details. if i got questions, i would look for the answers by
myself through other books or sources. i would write my paper as perfect as i could, no matter how
many time i had to spend on it, i just made sure i have tried my every best to make it perfect. and...
i actually only have 1 week to do each paper, and i had to work at the same time.. i usually started
writing it on my lap top 2 days before the deadline.. not coz i was lazy... coz i was too busy. and i
still made sure i would have them done nicely no matter what. it took me a long time to think of the
topic or what to write.. spent time to do research and study the information and analysis.. and then..
spent time to think of the data and the mesg i wanna bring into the paper. and then spent time to
organize them and start writing the outline and eventually writting it, and kept edititing.. it wasnt some
very easy job, and i want all my papers done nicely and as perfect as i could. i just want to try my
best to do everything that i think i should do. maybe that's why... i was so stressed. but... i think...
student should do their best.. coz... chances and kowledge dont come easily. if we dont grap the
chances to practice and study hard... then we cant gain as much as we should have gain... and it's
our responsiblities right? it's like... okay... many students are not really interested to study.. then they
just shouldnt come to school. its like... look.. even though i am a "full time student", i am not actually
a full time student. i do have my "part time job" which makes me like a full time worker. and i still
study hard and work hard for everything. why the heck those real full time students just cant do a bit
more for the sake for themselves? it's like... i d never used my work as any excuse to skip any steps i
should take for my study. why you think you could? that's why i dont like those irresponsible students.
you could be stupid, you could be a bit lazy, we all understand, but you couldnt be irresponsible. i dont
like to study somtimes, coz i'm really tired and too stressed, so i got a bit lazy once awhile.. we all
understand that.. but i d never be irresponsible for my study. if i do something, i have to make sure
i will do my every best to make it as perfect. so... i dont know..

i really like to help Dennis out.. i really like to discuss with him.. but when i knew that he wasnt actually doing his part.. i just wondered why he came talking to me again? it's so meaningless. i gave him so
many hints, if he tried to just read them, why couldnt he handel them? then we talked for a short
while.. he knew that i was asking him to read, he told me he has read. i knew he was lying. we talked for a short while, i tried to explain to him about the theory. then he asked me if i am home.. i told him
yes. he asked why i am not on line. i knew what he truley meant. then i ased back why i have to come on line when i am home? he was shocked then he said oh nvm then i would call you if i dont
understand something later. i paused.. i was like... what?! it's 10 45pm already, and you still plan to
call me to ask the same qes but not trying to firgure out your own paper by yourself? hello? you're a
man ! i'm not his girlfriend. i am not his close friend either. i m not his classmate. i am not close to him at all.
i didnt speak that out.. coz.. i think i shouldnt. then... i said... okay. byebye then.
i got nothing more to say. i guess... if you're 17, fresh grad from highschool, i could really understand
how much you're going through with all the transition and adaptation. if you're some 18 or 19 y.o.
guys, okay or 20. fine.. coz maybe just imature.. but if it's 22, i guess... there should be some wakeup call for him. if he's gonna call, i am not gonna answer him i guess.

anywayzz...
i am just being honest that.. i dont mean to be harsh on him.. and defintely not any revenge... it's just
the way i am.. i treat my sisters in the same way.. if she doesnt use her brain to think before asking
me questions, i usually dont make them so easy for her. i would keep asking her questions to let her
think and figure out answers by herself. she got mad almost everytime, but she would remember
the answer and know the way to solve problems by herself. same with my students.. i dont tell them
answers, i ask questions to let them firgure the correct answers. for every careless mistakes, i asked
them to proof read before me checking.. and if they still have them, i would aks questions to let them
find the mistakes and correct them by themselves.

i know maybe many classmates in highschool didnt like me in class, coz i am always the one asking
questions in class, and even though the bell rang, i would still try to ask. and same in the college...
i was about to give up everything... but after chatting with Principle Cheung, he scolded me... i just...
wanted to cry. i didnt give up eventually. and it's how i started to stand for myself against the other
opinions. he said... the teachers love me and they had been giving me so many chances that others
didnt have. they didnt give up on me after all, they didnt think i was fail. why i had to be so fed up to
give up. so... after that... i studyed harder, i finally got a pass on my history course.. and i applied to
go to Canada for studying when everyone was saying no to me, including my parents and grandparents.
and i made it. eventhough it was short, but it's another brightest time in my life.

i d never ended to..... work hard... to strive for what i want and need.. the road is rough, really tough
at times... somehow when i was really really hopeless, i attempted to kill myself but it didnt work to me.
i had been seeing a consellor... and... i just stand up again. life is like that.. if you dont pay, you dont
gain. but just gotta becareful of the balance.. are you living a life or just taking it for granted..
do you enjoy having fun in life even though it's tough and rough? or... it's just a boring thing.
i'm learning to be happy.. how to stay happy...
i know... sometimes... i'm a bit difficult to be with.. if it's friendship, i am a good friend... if it's work
or group mates, i do work seriously that my fellowers might find a bit tough. i tried, i do try to be nicer,
coz it's our personality... i do respect that we all do things in our own ways.. as long as it's not too
bad, ppl have done their best then i am pretty okay. i do appreciate efforts. i'm not... those kind of cold
blood animals. perfection is not necessary, i am NOT so judgmental on ppl, but work. i think i would
expect ppl do things up to the good standard and it's based on each person, pretty flexible.

omg.. i write too much tonight..
hope that i would have a lovely weekend =)

i saw honey on line today at the office. i wish him well. i m missing him much.
i wish i could be there for him. days and nights.

>>April 19, 2008 at 6:15:19 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 17 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

i'm very tired, not feeling very well. i got stomachache when i woke up..
actually that woke me up. then... took a walk to the office with mom.

last night was the Desperate Housewives last episode of this season..
it was kindda surpring me that actually Victor was actually.... that bad. Gabriella found Carlos 's better,
and... Lynnett started chemotherapy... her marriage with Tom is dangerous... then lovely that Susan
and Mike are married YAY~ and then sadly, Eddie hung herself. i didnt expect that was hitting her...
so she killed herself.

humm sad news in HK that Mr. Ng Fong Wing just passed away.. i like his style of reporting news..
he's just great and that's also what everyone say.. so.. humm a bit sad for his death.

got the mesg from Prince Edward center.. oh no.... i really wanna make money, and those two students
are back. i dont know if i should go there teaching again, since the money is just too less, and then
they are not stable at all. there were many times that when i go over, only one of them was there
or just canceled. i was kind of pissed off, but it was okay, coz i was on the way to school, so just
stopped by there. but now, if it's on Sun and Mon, then that means i will have not much time to rest
on my holidays, but then the money is actually less.

i chatted with Calais yesterday. haha. thanks for his compliments. anyway, he's still in Aus. we talked
about what happened in the past 3 years since 2005 we grad from USU. then yea, catch up a bit..
see when he'll be back to HK sometime then we can have a small gathering with some old buddies.
he's a nice guy, really nice and shy. anyway, thanks for his compliments and bday gift. i wasnt very
very close with him. we share the same buddies, and actually he introduced me Dennis. i was close
with Joey, Tracy, or i was closer with Vincent more than him? but on my bday, he was the only one
who actually got me a gift. it was a necklace. i was surprised, and he's like a brother who would take
care of me and treat me nicely. yea it happened so long time ago, and of course it was the only year
we all had celebrated bdays together. actually, i do treat him as my very good friend at that time. but
he was always shy.

i told him i am going to visit my boyfriend in Van, he said i should belong to Canada. he said i look like
some canadian chinese, even when i was younger while he saw me at the first time in 2005.
haha i was jokking with him, coz we were talking about the Miss HongKongs, then he argreed that the
Chiense girls from overseas are actually hotter than the local girls in HK. but then i asked him if he has
spotted any girls, he said no. he's still single.. i wish him would find some princess soon.

i talked to Dennis last night. just wanna see how his paper going.. then he still hasnt started. sigh.
then he asked me the same stuffs and he changed his topic. alright.. he still tried to get me writing
him some points or even help writing it. he kept asking me to tell him. then i just told him directly that
if he's gonna ask me to write him some points or write for him then just forget it. he just replied "oh."
i might be a bit too much, but.. i really dont like students acting like that. then i told him if he doesnt
understand the theories then i can discuss with him that's at least what i can do. he is so lazy..
eventually i did some research for him and asked him to read those information. that's pretty much
more than enough for him. then he asked me if i am free today, i said no. if you read you would know
how to do your paper. i hope that could help him.. i have done my best to help.

thanks Sophia. heehee. nice to hear that some ppl do think i look cute. haha.. just happy, recently i hear
some good compliments =) well maybe they dont mean it but it's good to hear about.
it's like.. haha.. they dont owe me anything, they dont have to please me. but i find it's good to say sth
good to ppl, coz we all feel good.

>>April 18, 2008 at 4:43:59 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 16 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

boring boring boring.

auntie didnt come today... i guess Ella fired her... =(
humm. i am very sleepy.. drinking lots of coffee today.

anyway... aunt Pricilla is more okay now, not as pushy... so... i think i am not as tensed as before
as well. i dont now.. i said that i dont hate her.. i just dont like ppl sneaking behind me..
so.. yea.. we still could be friends. sigh. i miss the good time we had in Van, even though she wasnt
the good aunt all the time. i miss aunt Debbie too. she's so funny and nice. ha... these two aunties
introducd me so many Chinese ppl and stuffs in Richmond.. i miss the time.. when i m not in school,
not hanging ard friends, i was always home studying or hanging out with them.. really.. i like hanging
out with these aunties, not coz i liked to join their conversation.. but i find fun listening them, hanging
out with them.. we do shopping, walking, coffee, chatting, cooking.. ha.. i was so happy to have
them actually.

>>April 17, 2008 at 4:47:20 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 15 日 星期二 【晴】

hi =)

humm i am very sleepy.. last night Miki needed me, i was accompany her.. so...
i didnt sleep much and didnt sleep well. humm i hope she'll be fine soon.
she's my lovely sister, i will stand by her.

then i woke up early this morning, came back to office 45 mins earlier, so ... to do some preparation,
and get ready to welcom the new teacher, Carole. so now, we have Jacob from the States, and
Carole from Canada =) Carole is a very nice lady. she works in the kindergarden near by, so...
it's nice to meet her. she's from Canada, and she's very passionate at teaching.. we got some chatting
today. i am glad to meet her. she's a good teacher as i see only in this morning. the students like her,
i mean those who used to complain alot, but they like her. it's a good sign.

then.. just yea.. trying to arrange some new classes.. bleh bleh bleh... boring but we need to have more
new students... so yea. then i just had lunch with Miki. she seems okay, i wish she is.

sometimes i admire those who have the nice outfit with make up everyday to work..
you know.. i could do that, but... i cant spend those time in the morning.
i would like to look as nice as i could, dress up like some hot model, or just as FB.. but... you know..
i think neat and clean is the must.. then beside is just a little bit make up to make me look fresh... maybe
some simple pieces of accessories to make me look unqiue? i dont know.. i just usually use 2 mins to
think of what to wear after wake .. usually just grap something from the closet.. as simple as i can
hahaha...
usually shirt with pants or skirt, i mean those professional kind of clothese would be my first prioirty,
coz i usually got them in match when i bought them.. and... you know.. when i have new ppl coming
to work with me, i wanna wear a bit more professional on the first few days.. and... if i have some
sorts of gathering or meeting up friends after work, on that day sure i would wear something different..
and i tend to do more in the summer... dont wanna look boring. so yea, dress or some more accessories
other than my watch, earings and rings. yup. that's the Castor at Elchards. but i see lots of girls working
in this area, they do spend time to dress up, the clothes and the make up... cool girls, stylish girls..
just not my type.. sometimes i still wish i could wear uniform.. so i dont have to think of what to wear,
dont have to spend budget on the work clothes everytime i shop for outfit. you know... with uniform,
i just have to look fit in it, tidy, neat and clean.. then i would look just great and FB. you know.. when
the clothes are all the same on girls, then the real face and the real look just stand out from every girls.
heehee. with slightly make up, i'm sure i would be the queen among all ;) hohoho
hahahaha.. what a bitch haha.. just kidding, but yea.. working at here, sometimes i feel like being
watched by the others, i'm sure i do check on others as well just as to see what's new on her and her
and her today.
it's like... girls... are girls.. and i deeply belive that we all compare, might be compete sometimes..
yea.. if you want.. come on.. i'm sure i will win. i just dont like those kinds of eye sight or jealousy attitude.
anyway, at the end of the day, who cares? after work i'm just tired and wanna enjoy a walk to home.
being FB is like.. depending on me, i could be sexy, pretty, whatever you can see me.
i'm not a super model.. i'm not some pretty girl.. but... i am me =) somewhat good looking Castor, that
everyone wouldnt deny on it. hhahahaha.. just kidding.. wanna keep my confidence burning... HOT. haha.

anywayzzzzz =)
i got my result back! YAY ! haha.
i got both As on Adulthood and US Government ;)
i'm so happy.

and then my flight is reconfirmed =)
i'm flying on the May 16th, morning flgiht.

>>April 16, 2008 at 7:44:40 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 14 日 星期一 【晴】

hi.

today i woke up really late.. i just fell asleep ard 5 am..
i ate, chatted a little bit with Shan... made a few calls. watched tv... cool..
then late afternoon, i took a wak with my little ipod. i walked back to the office..
chatted with Shan.. stayed for a little while.. we discussed on some make up things..
haha yea, call me if you need a model. haha.. i wanna see how i look like in the Cinderella make up..
or any super model look. haha... i trust her, it would be fine. ha..

then back home watching tv resting..

you know.. i got a call from Karen today.. we talked for awhile.. we would meet up tomorrow..
i hope she'll be fine.

Dennis Cheung called me today... same questions.. he wants me to help.. the thing is... i dont know
what i can help him.. and.. i still think it's his responsiblities to go research and study and write.
not just keep asking others for writing some points for him. it's nothing at all. so... i asked him some
questions, suggested some ways he might be intersted to look into.. and... i said it's his work, so..
he has to go through these. he called twice ard 11 pm just now, i didnt pick up his call..
i came on line, then i asked him if he called. and here he asked the same questions. he said if i dont
help then he's dying, he's in depression now. you know what... it does remind me the old him..
when we were a bit close, i was always helping him to do what he has to. but turn out nothing good
but insults. so.. i think i am helping him by telling him that now he should work hard instead.

i made a call to aunt Priscilla.. i tried to reschedule the flight... it's quite full actually.. so... see what
i can do now... aunt Priscilla would call me tmr early morning..

i was chatting with Killfocker just now.. hummm he's a sweet young boy.
so bad that i dont really rmeember his name. he's kindda nice, he would share his new songs with me,
talking with me when he has problems at school.. and.. he would check on me to see if i am doing
fine on my days or anything interesting to share. thank him for his good nature.

i saw honey on line. i miss him. we talked for awhile. i saw him on the webcam.. he looked really tired.
i hope him fine. i'm looking frward to seeing him soon. really.
maybe i can make him breakfast, can share some of his housework.. just wanna be there for him.

now... the morning time... TVB is presenting 西 關 大 少 (Point Of No Return)
Miki loves this.. and we watched together... it was kind of funny.. and here's the song..
it's been long not hearing news of this guy though.



相愛無夢
作曲: 林健華 ~~ 作詞: 藍奕邦 ~~ 主唱: 張智霖

跟你抱著 未等於愛上
hugging you doesnt mean being in love
不再抱著 未等於不想
stop holding you doesnt mean that i dont want you
你我在這分鐘
at this moment
說過無緣再見
we have said we would never see each others again in fate
下秒鐘再湊巧碰上
the next sec we just meet by luck

即使一起　貌合卻又神離
when we're together, we look like a couple outside but not inside
分隨兩地　日夜掛著愁眉
when we are apart in diff places, we miss each others, frown in days and nights
再合自結新歡
then we both move on meeting new ppl
卻暗地拿你去比較現有的
but secretly, i compare you with her
始終偏袒你
and i still like you more

有心愛你卻愛不到
i wanna love you but i cant
抱繫了你卻又未想終老
i hold you tight, but you're not the one i want for life
再等到與對方失敗以後
wait till i relaize we're fail..
就會知　原來誰最好
then would find out who is the best
愛不到至會更想愛
i cant love you, and so i want more
抱緊了你我又無心裝載
when you re in my arms, but my heart is not with you
我跟你也破不到
between you and me,
男與女之間　愛情的定數
we just cant fight with the fate in love

一個過活　恨抱著情人
when i'm single, i wanna hold a girl
一對過活　又掛念誰人
when i'm in a relationsip, who would i be missing?
到了話要分開
then we i say we have to break up
你我尚有惻隱
you and are are sad
又再探聽對方新聞
we try to get the news of each others

>>April 14, 2008 at 6:13:13 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 13 日 星期日 【晴】

hey Castor.
what're you doing? hummmm nothing much... i'm just bored surfing net...
how's your day? oh it was okay. just rested at home, hang out with my parents..
did some shopping with them, walked home watching movie and eating. same same.
why are you bored then? i dont know. maybe coz i am so used to the busy life..

anyway, got the e-mail from Dereck. honestly i dont expect he would contact me...
i thought he would just leave me alone. anyway, he's back. hummm..
i was lost last time when i read his e-mail.. i replied him as i remember.. but.. i cant remember what
i have said to him.. but i remeber what he said to me.. so.. this time when he talked about how sorry
he was, then i was even more confused.. like... what are you talking about?
he told me... that... he's going to find a girlfriend, and so he has to leave me. i was like what?!
it's nothing to do with me wether you're finding a girl or not. so.. i dont know.. i probably asked him
to go ahead, coz it doesnt affect me. but yea.. he said like... he asked me to forgive him but he couldnt
waste his time on me.. so i thought ok... this kid might think that i would fall with him.. then fine..
just yea, go for the girl. i am not anyone special to him anyway, well.... at least he's not anyone so
special to me that's for sure. so.. i dont know why suddenly he came back... apologizing to me again..
telling me how stupid he was, showing off his money again, and telling me how much he wanted to
be my friend.. after all... i just told him that i d never mad at him, coz i wasnt affected by what he said
at all.. i told him.... i would never say those stuffs to my friends as in... oh i am going to find my love,
and i am not gonna let you waste my time or something like that, so i have to leave you now.. blah..
i told him i think he's just trying to get my attention again now. i asked him to ignore my reply if he
understands what i said. if he doesnt understand me, then just leave me alone, coz i dont wanna
explain again and again. i am so mean to him, am i? i just dont want him to be so obsessive.
at first i really treated him as my friend, like a little brother.. but then... later, i found him a bit weird..
then he said that to me, and fine. he said he would block me. fine for me actually. then i just deleted him.
but now he e-mail back. weird.

and then.. yea.
it's like.. i like my friends and i respect them.. i would protect them, i love them... but... it doesnt mean
that you can do whatever you want to me. coz.. afterall i'm just not that strong. and... i dont feel
comfortable.

yesterday was not so busy at the office. i was a bit bored actually.. then... after work, Ella needed
someone to talk with. we chated for a short while at the office... her tears fell.
she's very stressed. then.. we seat at a Taiwanese place having bubble tea... we talked..
she's very nice... she offered me a fav.. she said if i need money for the conferences, she can borrow me.
i refused kindly. coz.. i really dont wanna borrow money from others, not even my parents.
i think if i can afford that, of course it's great to experience that. but if i have no money, after back
from Van, i would have no money too. i cant be sure if i would be able to return her money soon.
anyway, i just dont like borrowing money or anything from others. i rather count on myself..

after that, i walked her to the department store.. she felt better when we were looking for the baby
stuffs. actually i am so happy seeing her having a baby. personally i am so happy, and i think i would
be so excited to be a mom too. i am so happy seeing her pregnant. i think i would be a happy mom too.
it's like... i think i would enjoy the process of the pregnancy =) i would be so happy to be a mom,
taking care of the kids and my husband. haha.

talking about parents.. my parents are pretty okay now. they dont nag at me that much now.. i mean..
as in... my trip and my daily life. they used to nag alot.. but now it's more okay. =)
and they dont seem pushy on me asking why i go over or anything like that.. thanks..
but then mom always ask me if i will apply for the master degree intake.. then ... i told her i dont know.

actually... i still havent got the reply from Korean Air. i dont know.. maybe they dont want me ?
i hope at least i could have an interview. hummmm... the deadline of reciving resume was yesterday.
and... hopefully i would recieve their call or e-mail very soon. i m not very desperate but... i really
wanna be a flight attendent... hummm psychology is another career i would die for.. but... at the
moment now... i just wanna be a flight attendent. i wanna see the world in different ways.. i wanna
just be in the airline industry.

you know what... of course April 11 was my mom's birthday.. and yea.. we celebrated a bit..
then... it's just been a year... i mean... last year in April.. i was back to HK from Van on the same day..
1th or 12th of the April. 365 days...
after that day, i was officially returned to school. and yea, in the past 365 days... i have learnt so much
things.. many life lessons, many lessons from school as well hahaha.. and then... yea... it was full
of pain and fun in everything packed.
and the most important part is that...
i am so lonely. i miss him so much... just... ups and downs... on and off...
i'm going back to see him in May this year.. and... i try to be patient.. as in... i really wanna give him time
to do his jobs. i really dont wanna complain to him. i really just wanna learn to be so indepentant,
to live my life well without him. it's just really hard for me. maybe it's the difference between guys and
girls.
in differnt stages of life, we all need different things. and so we are so different.. we face different
challenges, we want different things. at the moment now... i think.... i just need to see him to feel
him in real.
i know i am not... i am not a perfect girlfriend, especially his. i'm probably the worst in his life..
actually in the reply of his last e-mail... i was a bit angry.. but i hope he could understand.
it's not that easy for me. but really.. i am still in love with him.

i read at the office yesterday.. i read a few stories on the Reader's Digest.. and one page was the
qoutable quotes.. i spotted one... that actually is from Despereate Housewives.. "The Opposite of
Love is not Hate. It's Indifference. If You still Hate Someone, that Means You still Care."

hummmm..
for me... i have been hating a few ppl in my life.. not really that kind of anger anymore.. but just...
dont wanna talk or interact with them unless it's really necessary.. you know.... but then... i kept
letting myself to let go of them, to forgive them.. i guess i can forgive only if they apologize to me
sincerely.. but... so far... no. not everyone would be that brave to admit their fault. so... the only thing i can
do is to... let go of what happened. is that the real forgiveness? i dont know.. but i guess... as far as
i dont have to do anything with those ppl, it wouldnt affect me? i dont want them as the unfinished
business in my life. it's time for them to go.. really. just go.. i dont wanna keep those on my mind.
i just wanna let go of them. you know.. it's just nothing anymore...
i dont think they would mind if i just let go of the memorry i had with them. coz... afterall... we all moved
on already since i dont know when. and actually i was not the one who should be responsible in all
the hurts. they do know what they have done, just that they dont wanna admit, that doesnt mean i
should torture myself with what they have done to me.
after all, since it's like... i dont really care about them and the ppl anymore, why should i hate them?
i dont care if they hate me or what they think of me.. coz... i am okay now if you just wanna errase
me. i dont want to care about that, and i dont anymore. if it's gone, it's gone.
like what Karen said... "my happines is not given by you, i own them myself." =)

you know what... i wanna be a happy person.
and so.. i wanna give myself a chance to... learn to be happy =) it sounds silly but... why not.

okay... here's the song Castor's listening now..


>>April 13, 2008 at 6:59:59 PM GMT+8