2008 年 9 月 30 日 星期二 【晴】

i got a massive headache..

i exercised. i slept late.. couldnt sleep.. then woke up and went to the hospital with mom to visit grandpa.
he is getting better now =) i'm so happy for that. we hope that he can leave there in 3 weeks.
after that.. we had lunch.. then did some shopping for dinner. i called auntie Lai this afternoon..
she was just home after work. so mom talked with her for a short while..

back home i'm really really tired, headache, like soooo heavy and hitting in my head.. i sat and fell
asleep on the chair... for.. maybe 40 mins.. then i woke up... sitting and watching movie on my lap top.
i watched..... "27 Dresses" hee. she was nice Jane, sweet Jane.

JAne is a nice.. maybe too nice.. never said no to ppl. one incident in her childhood to make her falling
for the wedding party. helping friends to plan for wedding for 27 times. she kept every dresses,
coz she did enjoy everytime. and she's proud of it. untill her spoiled sister fell for her dream lover.
and she asked Jane to be their wedding planner. she didnt say no, just like what she used to do.
at that time, Jane found out her fav writer on the Wedding page of the magazine is actually the guy
she really dislike in real life. they have a wonder love story of course. that's how a movie becomes
interesting for girls. Jane did something terrible.. but this eventually helped her to realize herself that
can say no to others and know that she deserves more. her mean sister said to her that... you dont
even kill a butterfly, you wont tell him.. well coz Jane was gonna tell her sis's guy that her sis has
been lying and pretending some perfect girl for him. but she did finally at her sis's wedding. her friend
reminded her about her real feelings after betraying her sis. Jane said she felt... bad.

i used to ask myself alot when i am making decision.. i could be bad and i could be mean.. i think i could
do it... but i just dont want to.. and i do know some "friends" take advantage on me.. and same that...
i dont really know how to say no. being nice... sigh... you never know if it's good or not. for me..
if i do bad things, i would be so guilty, so.. i rather just being hurted than hurting others.
i dont wanna be hurted.. but if you ask me to choose one.. then yea... i dont know.. i think i would be
those kind like... really really really dont want to hurt anybody. and i do try to aviod hurting ppl.
if i do.. i would be so guilty, and i would apologize and come clean right after. when it comes to
protect myself.. i think i still need many lessons on that. haha.. but... yea... who would kill the butterfly..
they are cute and beautiful..

sometimes i could be bitchy, esp when i am alone at work.. like after reciving a bad call or being really
stressed ard the printer.. i swear.. when i was younger in highschool, i was a bit bossy sometimes.
i could be mean when i'm soooo angry.. but that's usually only on writing.. but i do believe that...
even though you have to be a jerk to me, it doesnt mean that i have to be a bitch. and then... if you do
bad things... go ahead.. i didnt make you to do so.. but just leave me alone. coz.. i dont wanna be
involved. i dont hurt you so dont come hurt me. hahaha maybe it's so naive.. but.. i do believe in it.. ..
and if i be nice to you, then you would feel it.. right.. and if you're happy, then i would be happy too.
its strange.. it just feels better to share than recieiving.

so.. i have been learning to love myself more.. coz sometimes when you care about the others too
much, and you love the others more.. then.. just easily forget about yourself. i didnt really know..
how to say no... and so.... i was always living in... some sorts of fears. coz.. i aware of not feeling
right.. but i didnt say anything for myself. and this is the very wrong thing for myself actually.
coz i gave up the right to stand for myself. it's kindda like betraying myself. i dont think i would be harsh
to others, and i dont think i am a tough person.. but somehow... being nice and sweet can be bad for
myself. coz.. i feel like i am the marshmellow.. so soft. hahahaha.. and i melt in the fire. hahaha..
just kidding... but i mean.. i need some protection too. maybe i should stick with the dark chocolate
with some almond, then it would make me a bit stronger and taste better. haha.. that's why i called
myself Ms. Rockyroad Chocolate. coz i do feel like i'm the rockyroad chocolate.

if i dont love myself, then no one is gonna love me the way i do to myself. you know.. the 27 dresses,
i mean those 27 girls who asked Jane to help, they all attended to Jane's wedding in the end. it was
such a lovely sence. so.. those 27 girls complete Jane's dream. and most importantly.. there is a guy
who is waiting for her in the wedding, looking at her. and he smiles just exactly like what she dreams
of. the happiness is from his heart that shows how much he is expecting his bride. this guy is already
there, the one she has been looking for. i am so happy for her. who said the nice one finish last. no.
haha. nice one is always better. although it's only a movie.. it is still warm to me. coz it does encourage
be to continue being nice to others, and of course myself too. well.. i think this is just me.. i tried to be
mean and bad but i didnt like it. so... maybe i should be glad =) i can still be that girl running around,
smile and laugh all day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i do think of him.. last night.. i just sms him.. when i was in Van.. i sms him.. he replies me quite fast..
or... i know that he would get back to me very soon while he could. i always believe in him. so.. the
day before i left.. i was angry and worried. but that was the exception. anyway.. back to HK..
dont know if it's the problem of my network or his.. the sms seem couldnt get through. i start to miss
him a bit differently. i have been tring to focus on my days here. and recently these two days..
i start to recall more.. and.. i miss him more. and i know i cant just sms him then get his reply in short.
i cant just see him whenever as easily. i'm still being patient..

>>October 1, 2008 at 4:52:27 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 30 日 星期二 【晴】

I am so tired.

woke up with my puffy eyes. dont know why. weird dreams but i couldnt remember them.
then... yea.. i washed up, got a very refreshing make up on, dressed up... breakfast then back to work.
yup, today i worked, coz Shan needed to go to school. so yea.. today was very busy. i was stressed,
coz.. there were lots of small pieces of information.. and then i need to work on them at the same time.
but the printer was pissing me off. kept jamming. i was almost begging it to give me my last one copy.
coz the students and teacher were waiting in class for 10 mins already. i was making 4 copies, then
the last one was jamming, stuck in the machine. i was like GET RID OF IT PLZ. COME OUT PLZ.
then yea.. marking on the exams and doing some prep for Oct. and i dont understand the MS Word,
i mean the Vista version very well. it got more funtion but at the same time kindda complicated to use.
i was so lost about fixing the margin, and the Excel file.. i was like... where are those buttons used to
be so obvious with the non-vista version. i suck at technology things.. so.. it's like... toturing me.

so.. i left right at 8 pm... i was just Tired... i talk a fast walk home. i walk very fast just so as to make
myself sweat, exercise. i would feel better if i could take a walk when i'm too bored or stressed.
so yea.. back home take a bath and dinner, then i exercised again..

sometimes... when i was so tired at the office.. looking at the clock.. 7 sth pm... i would start to hope
for the 8 pm coming.. then if i was busy, i would wish to finish all the stuffs i was working on then
i could leave. and then usually at that time.. one or two voice would come. they're the noisy men
walking by or talking and sitting in the mall. and i would just wonder.. just leave me alone plz...
i cant say that but i wish to. and it's like.... if i think positivly... maybe it's better than no one in the mall..
coz by that time it would be kindda scary.. but you know.. sometimes i do worry. coz the "men"...
"my fans" are usually in the mall.. and i worry they know when i come and leave the office.
i cant be 70% sure if they are very ill, but the thing is... they would need someone to follow up, that
i am very sure.. and... the thing is.... no one would care, even if you call the police.. no.. i called the
security guard before once i was so scared one of them.. but then i found out if they didnt do anything
harmful to me physically, then the police wouldnt arrest them coz of the human rights. so.. i guess
the only thing i can do now is to becareful. i was not as worried before.. but then there is just one
more who comes only in the morning and late afternoon, and he doesnt talk, only stands and stares.
he doesnt smile. sometimes he walks then stops and stares.. when i look at him then he would walk
away. should i just dont care or... i just dont know.

i just got a mesg from Carole on Facebook. haha.. i was surprised.. thanks... hummm.. actually i am
very happy to work with her too. she's an awesome co worker too. honestly.. working with Ella is
kindda like working with a friend, but still sometimes quite painful and stressful. but working with
Carole is kindda nice and less painful. she is quite organized and so... i wouldnt have added extra
loads of work suddenly. and then she's a on-time person, and then she comes early to prepare for
classes. and so i would have enough time to assist her if she needs. she is a nice lady too. and we
do have lots of common topics to talk to everyday. lots of news and Canadian things. so yea... i like her.
she is a nice teacher too. and that's why i asked Ella to keep her as a full time teacher, since lots of
our students like her. and in long term and right now we do need some well experienced and stable
teacher to come more often for taking new coming classes. i dont know what Ella is gonna do..
but i do like Carole. not coz of the compliments, but... i can see who is working right and who is not.

sigh... i'm more okay each day.. i'm better now... i dont know if i am totally back to my HK life now,
but... i guess i'm doing okay. at least not like last year. i was depressed for months. well last year i got
back to school at the same time, new env, new ppl, new teaching style, so... yup, tough. and too
much things happened between me and him.. that's the point... so... yup really tough. this year is
better.. and then i dont know. i miss him so much and i love him so much.. but just my feelings are
not as negative or bad. thanks him. he made me worried less. but then now i wonder how he's doing.
coz it's been a week or two i havent heard from him.


Here are some songs....

"Lost"- Michale Buble


"You Make It Real For Me"- James Morrison


"Better In Time"- Leona Lewis

2008 年 9 月 28 日 星期日 【晴】

i'm so tired.
i'm guessing if i would be able to come on line typing
tonight. coz i'm really tired today.

i'm now at the office, 7 40pm... it wasnt my shift today.. but i need to come back. Shan need extra
time off for her study. hummm.. i woke up at 8 30am.. then came working in the morning..
then at lunch i rushed to TST to meet Priscilla. then after that i hang ard TST. i bought 2 jibbitz from the
Crocs store. then i bought a pair of high heels from Marks&Spencer. i saw a bra there very nice and
and attractive. i might buy it next month. i actually need to buy these things but never reall took time to
try them on. then yea.. walking alot.. very tired... then back to Tai Po.. and got the call from Shan.
so i am here again... stuck at the office.. i saw some nice coats today at Zara, but the price is really
high. boots also.. i dont know if i should buy them. it's quite expensive. it's like... i used to be able to
buy maybe 5- 6 items in winter before Jan.. this year.. maybe only 3 or 4 depends on the price.
so yea.. crazy price.

but i kindda saw some nice sweater for Stephen. hummmm now it's still too early to think about the
christmas gift. but i actually bought something nice and cheap for christmas yesterday. i am not worried
for christmas too much. i've done the office party gift already, and one gift for a friend too.

today i was shocked when mom called me, coz of the Oreo and M&M got problems. i was like WHAT?
i like Oreo and i eat alot... well i could tell the Oreo from the States tastes better than the one made in
China.. so.. i only eat those from the States. and the problem happened on the ones from China. but i
will stop eating Oreo by now anyway. then M&M... the milk original one and the peanut one got
problem, but i eat the dark chocolate one and i could eat 1/2 or 1 small pack. so.... i dont know..

i went to HMV today.. i listened to 2 new album.. one is from James Morrison, and other one is Daniel
Powter. i think James Morrison's is better..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i got 2 dreams last night. the 1st one is sweet, the 2nd one is kindda weird.
the first one is like.. a family dream.. but the "dad" is him. it was a bit weird though. ha...
then the 2nd dream is more weird.. coz my "boyfriend" was actually a Batman. and i was saving his
life. hahahaha... well not exactly saving his life.. but some sorts of things. and it's so weird.

well...

Fall is coming finally... good.. but winter is usually more depressing.. i dont know why i love winter.
maybe coz it's been too hot in summer. haha. but Van's summer is great. not too hot usually.
so.. what am i gonna do in this depressing season? have sweet, have fun, and stay warm =)
hummmmm... yeaaaaa.... where is my honey... since i was back to HK, he has been busy by in his
world. it's kindda painful for me here... but.. i gotta be patient and stay strong. coz.. it's the same there,
it's not any easiler with him right now. i miss him. i do.

ppl sk me if i wanna work in Van. i would like to. but i would need to find a job and.... then... get a
working permit. or.. if i could follow my plan becoming a flight attendent, then things would be easlier
for me and him. then maybe after the 2 years contract, then i would go to the grad school. and i would
become a psychologist or a counsellor afterward. then my income wouldnt be low and the living would
be more stable. i'm thinking to do my master in Van. 3 universities there.. 300++ ppl are competiting for
90++ places. i hope i would have a chance, and if i am good enough to get the schlorship, then it would
be just so perfect. well... i will try no matter what.. and see how things go..

>>September 29, 2008 at 12:23:00 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 27 日 星期六 【晴】

i slept for..... almost 11 hrs.. nice..
i woke up twice though.. but then... it's okay.
i got a sweet dream last night. i saw him. and it was in a small house. we were very happy together..
then he was leaving, but before he left, he has told me something and he kissed me.
the kiss was so real. it's just like... a real one. in the dream.. i wondered.. it was ... so nice.
hey i miss his kiss. i miss him holding me. i miss the food he made. simply i just miss him.

i got up anyway.. then... watched tv for awhile.. a funny movie... dont really know the name..
but it was a story about lucky and unlucky. Lansay Lohan was a really lucky girl... but then she kissed
a very unlucky guy... then she became very unlucky and that guy became very lucky. there were
some hilarious moments.. it was silly but funny. then i met Miki for lunch.. then i bought some dragon
fruits.. and i saw Shan. she got some busy stuff to do tomorrow.. so she wants me to take over.
hummm.. okay... only the morning.. then i might meet up with prscilla. i need to pay back some money
from my last trip. yup, i still havent paid that penality for changing my flight in June. then i might enjoy
my window shopping tomorrow at TST. i saw a nice dress today in Tai Po, but i didnt buy it. i am not
sure if i should buy this dress. i bought a very nice vase.. and some little things.. i'm gonna use them
for christmas i guess. i just walked ard Tai Po Market. there was some new shop selling some
western style stuffs. the price is much cheapper than in Vancouver. anyway.. yea..

i said i wanted to only focus on myself.. i do enjoy my day. after that, back home i watched another
movie, one of my fav. Mr. & Mrs Smith. i enjoy my day off. i like it.. but.... of course i do think of him..
i do miss him. it's like.... it's not quite possible to stop thinking of someone you love. maybe it's not
the same for other ppl.. but for myself, i'm quite sure about myself on this. so... my attempt didnt
success. and coz tomorrow i need to work.. tonight i just dont feel like to pamper my skin or anything
like that.. hummm not in mood.. well nevermind. it's better than forcing myself to do something i dont
enjoy.

when will i hear from him again?

aunt Ching just called me.. she was almost crying.. so... we talked for an hour and half..
some personal problems.. hummm i wish her would be fine. i dont know. i hope there is something i
can help her. but you know.. sometimes there's not only about right or wrong, but if you are happy or
not. and i think the wrongest thing is that if you are not honest with your real feelings, not standing
for yourself. if you know you are doing the "wrong thing" but you are happy, and not harming others
then... yea... no problems. but if you're doing some "wrong thing" and you're not happy, then plz try
to love yourself more... stop hurting yourself. especailly if that person is just... not planing to be
responsible for you both or having a future with you... then... please just.... i dont know what to say..

she asked me if it's what psychology meant. i told her no. psychology doesnt give me skill to read
ppl mind. but i do learn alot from psychology as in how to communicate with ppl.. human behavior..
development, counselling, lots of stuffs. i dont use "skill" to talk with friends or in normal conversation
with ppl. i am not "doing a job" when i talk to ppl. i'm a normal person. but when you sense that there
is someone talking with you right now "needs" something special.. then that becomes the critical time..
need to think critically and use your empathy.. then it becomes more like... "psychology." and then..
at certain times... you know you need to apply what you've learnt.. then.. yea... just like other kind of
knowledge that you would apply to your life. so.. i dont think psychology as magical that can read ppl
mind.. and no it's what it's meant to be. if ppl who knows psychology and use it as the tool to read
ppl mind for personal use, it's improfessional and unethical. it's banded. we dont teach ppl what to do..
but we help ppl to see and realize themselves and help them to realize choices. they make their own
choices anyway. unless it's about some psychological illness. then.. it's another thing. it's humanity,
so it's essential and gotta be very careful. yup, it could be a tiring job, even more tiring than being a
teacher. it's high responsiblity, it's high stress, it requires a lot from a person. it's not an easy job.
and thats why i wanna take my master degree, then.. if it's counselling psychology, then i might be
able to practise afterward. if i take child development, then i might be specialized in child counselling
or child education or child research. it's one of the helping professions. i wanna make money, i wanna
be a professional, but... at the same time.. i wanna do something good for others, not only about myself.

i miss him... i do...

>>September 28, 2008 at 5:41:29 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 26 日 星期五 【晴】

tired.

got up ard 8 sth, got ready to work. Ella said my make up looks good. hee. thanks. she thought my make
up is from MAC. hummm well.. some are from MAC, but that day the main colours are from The Body
Shop. winter limited edition. of course they're good. i am very careful about my make up, facial and
body product.. The Body Shop might not be the best.. but i like them.

hummm work work and work.. lucky that i got my family to have lunch with me.. coz.. i was really
just... bored and tired. i'm glad that i have another new student today.. so.. it's 12 new walk in this
month, another 9 referrals. then some parents were chatting with me.

in the morning, whenver i have time, i read the news on line.. i was reading the debate of Obama and
McCain. i think McCain is full of crap. he is not worth it. like..... i kindda find his game quite obvious.
so... he's more like tring to fool everyone.. and it's very stupid when i read that.. "Obama also said that
the United States was facing its worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. McCain said he
was encouraged that Republicans and Democrats were working together to solve the crisis. "
yea... Obama was right, he's just telling the fact. and then McCain replied something "weird." he is the
Republican, and he was encouraged to work with the Democrats to solve the crisis. he was
encouraged by whom? and what is he tring to imply? if you say Democrat is willing to work with
Republican, i would say yea maybe. Democrat is more liberal, and so they might try different
communication style or differnt ways to work with each others for the better world. but republican
is more like.... "old fashioned." and look at McCain, he's a bit old and he doesnt speak right in the public.
i wouldnt trust him. i dont vote coz i'm not US citizen.. and it's not my business.. but US is like one of
the biggest country.. HK economics is directly influenced by the US... and then the biggest war,
oil issue, global warming, psychology development, lots of BIG things in the world just cant get rid of
the States... so... i do concern on who would be the next American president. i dont want any big bad
news in the future coming from the States, coz our relationship with China is ... now very complicated,
and the relationship between China and the States is really important to us. so... yea... and i find
politics more fun than before. i used to refuse to know anything about politics. now i would read and think.

tomorrow is Sunday... hummm... wanna take a good rest.. i'm so tired..
and so does my heart.. back from Van.. back to work right after is good and bad.. good that i have
something to do which really can distract me from sadness.. but bad is that you're aware of the
pain and aware of what you're doing is just.... tring to make yourself feeling better. tring to catch
up with the things you've missed while you're not in town. i'm conscious. and.. i'm aware of the pain
and tring to.... live my life in HK.. and my life here is very different. and... then... when pieces of
memorries come back... those which belong to me and him in vancouver just... kindda like hitting me.
i couldnt have the ppl and stuffs i love from Van here.. but i have my family, work, and other friends
here. these ppl is like... my support right now.. otherwise i would be in misery here.. but you know...
sometimes.. i'm not okay.

so... tomorrow and Mon... i wanna rest.. and i wanna stop thinking about him or anyone. i just wanna
take good care of myself. okay let me set up my rule.. tomorrow.. everything would be just... simple.
and.. for myself. simple make up is fine.. casual t-shirt with short is fine.. have a realxing lunch... then
i would shop for fruits. then.. back home resting and then i would exercise a bit more.. or get a cool
drink.. just relax and be a daisy girl. or a chocolate girl. i've been missing him alot everyday when i'm
awake.. and even at night i would see him in my dreams sometimes. i've been missing the others and
stuffs too.. i've been recalling pieces and pieces everyday.. i love them... but i miss them so much..
so it's kindda... sad sometimes.. like.. when i walk into shops.. or supermarket... i see different things,
then i would recall lots of things.. i am sad. i think i need my personal time.. my self-time. everyone can
do that, so me too..

maybe he is very busy or stressed.. i wish him well..

>>September 27, 2008 at 4:48:51 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 25 日 星期四 【晴】

i got a nightmare.. really not only one night.. but... the night before too..

humm.. they were like a 2 episode series.. i was catching up a flight. so.. even though i slept like 9 hrs..
when i woke up... i am still very tired and.... kindda moody. it's nice that i give myself enough time
before work.. like.. i actually still can make breakfast, watching tv for a bit after getting myself ready,
like washing up and make up... then i usually relax a bit before work.

back to work.. this morning is boring.. so.. i just read articles on line.. did a bit prep for my paper..
and then.. had lunch with my parents. the management ppl came helping me to fix the light..
the smoke last night was from there. i was a bit freak out.. then they said they wouldnt charge me..
they have replaced something.. i dont know why they dont charge me, but as long as it would work
then... whatever. i'm so sick and tired of having rain and smoke in my store room. but i just hope
them would call me Ms. Lau or Miss instead of... some other nick name.

busy this afternoon. i was updaing the new student walk in record.. hummm one more new clas
started today. we got like... 20++ new students in Sep so far... and.... then.... half of them are totally
new, so not referrals. i was kindda happy about that, and i do understand why suddenly we got
so many new students this month. coz it's Sep. there should be some more in Oct or Nov after the
first mid term exam. anyway... busy with differnt work.. then Ella was back. i did the calculation for
her as she requested.. and then.. yea.. reporting to her about stuffs. then we left together.

Ella's baby is really cute.. i was so happy to see her baby... i kndda played with her.. then Ella asked
me when i will have my own. i told her i dont know. then she said i might be pregnant already.
i was like laughing.. oh yea right. seriously, no kidding. i know i'm not pregnant. i would like to have
my baby.. but i dont even know when i'm gonna get marry, how would i know when i would have
baby. then Ella said if i have a daugther, what name would i give her. i was like hahahah huh?
i dont know. i am not even pregnant yet, why would i think of a name? i laughed. then she joked with
me like oh maybe her name would be Stephaine. i was like huh? haha. then she said coz it's Stephen's
daugther. ohhh.. okay.... haha.. but i think Stephaine this name is really common. i know too many
Stephaine. anyway, i dont know. dont ask me. it's not the woman choice to decide whether having
a boy or a girl, ppl should ask the daddy.

back home resting. i was supposed to meet Carole for lunch today. she called in the morning said
she messed up her schedule, so... we didnt meet. we talked alot though. then Rami wanted to meet
me tomorrow after work. hummm maybe he needs some female friend to talk with. but then i try to
confirm him today coz i didnt really wanna meet him. i'm tired and a bit headache.. then he told me he
is not meeting me tomorrow. i didnt really wanna meet up but i would still go since he has asked me
a few times before. so.. i was like.. wth. Kathy was right. i remember Kathy told me that HK
ppl always change their schedule, like if they find the better thing to do, then they would cancel the
plan they have made. for me, i know it's true and i really hate that. i dont change my schedule if i have
made the plan. i make plans and i hate to cancel or changing plans. coz.. i like to control my own
schedule... i hate meeting unstable ppl... for those not coz of work or real emergancy, but like...
some ppl they dont make sense at all. they want to meet you, but after awhile they change their mind
for some selfish reasons. i hate that. so.. Rami like.. we can meet tonight. i said no. he said or may be
next week. i told him maybe, but i will confirm him next week. i'm the kind of person if i know i am
gonna meet you, i would expect meeting you. so.. if you just call and say we're not meeting up..
without a good reason, i would be a bit unhappy for sure. i'm not those girls who are sitting and doing
nothing.

i'm unhappy... i just need some time off for myself.
like.. dont have to think of others, dont have to take care of the others. but myself only...

>>September 26, 2008 at 4:36:40 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 24 日 星期三 【晴】

headache.

worked. i slept for 9 hrs last night.. woke up and got ready to go.. auntie Lai called..
humm too bad i wasnt able to talk with her.. then back to the office.. taking care of the rain in the store room.
management ppl came.. then yea... had lunch with my parents, dim sum.. back to work..
it still rains. sigh.. and... suddenly... the lights were off, and smoke came out from the store room.
i was like.. W.T.H... Ella was here, i called the management ppl... humm .. still fixing..
they seem very nice though..

Ella came back talking with the new teacher.. i was a bit annoyed.. coz.. she took Everything out..
and then.. she asked me to do this to do that.. then she just left.. and my desk was so messy, and i got
tonz of work all of the sudden. it's like.. i would prefer she just telling me what she wants me to do,
on phone instead , coz she just adds extra work and stress when she comes. she's the boss.
what else can i say.. and she called again.. to ask me doing something "i shouldnt be responsible
for." she can easily do it by herself, but she just wont. so.. is that coz she trusts me so much or
she's just too lazy and too bossy.

i got the wedding invitation card today.. Shan dropped by.. i'm thinking if i would go.. Shan's going..
other friends are going.. she didnt invite many friends... so.. i dont know.

i got a headache before i left.. so.. the last 30 mins i stopped working and hanging on Facebook.
There is something i still dont understand somehow.. why put your ex's picture on the Facebook.
when i saw my friend's Facebook.. i just wondered... why... coz... still not over yet? or just for
showing how beautiful his ex was... then.. i realized... my friend didnt put his current girlfriend's
picture on, but i know this girlfriend is a beautiful girl too, and she's nice. i.. just... wonder why.

>>September 25, 2008 at 3:01:08 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 23 日 星期二 【晴】

hi Castor.
i know you would like to smile instead. give yourself a smile.

i woke up and got ready to work. my soya milk tasted strange.
my cousin Jackson added me back on Facebook... and i just found that... Ben is our common friend..
this world is small, or my cousins have big network in Van. Jorshline knows Evie. Jackson knows
Ben. haha.

back to the office... i checked mails, did some school stuffs.. and i also talked to the Exceptional
Gifted Scheme. i just didnt know how to update my information with them. i have thought about to
just leave this scheme.. but then... it used to be a big thing for me, so... i think i should just keep it.
but.. they mentioned that the Education Bureau would set up another department to take over them..
so.. i dont know.. see what would happen. i also e-mailed Dr. Chan and sent my registration for my
individual paper. so.. yea.. 90% of chances that i would be able to start my paper in the early Nov.

at work... hummm.. all of the sudden the store room was raining again.. just like outside.. Rain....
the weather is a bit depressing.. it's cooler today but it rains and cloudy.. i am affected by the weather easily.
then yea.. talked to the management ppl.. this time they're gonna be responsible for that i guess..
it's really pissing me off.. Ella called and asked how's everything in the office. yea.. everything is fine.
we will have 2 new classes opening in 2 weeks, three students each. got new students registrating
existing courses this week. i think it's really not bad. besides, i am thinking about the next store..
i'm thinking they might open English courses soon once they settle down. the owner always look at
me and our students. so... i got the feelings that they are like.. keeping an eye on us... and this is like..
not only 1 day or 2.. so probably a bit more than just curiousity. well.. it's business.. if it is a good
business, i'm sure everyone would want to try on it. so... i'm thinking what i should do next...
maybe it's time to have some new ideas for new courses and new attraction. Shan and i have never
stopped actually. and i think... if you wanna be the best of the best, you have to be as perfect as you
should be on the basic thing, and beside... you should have something special and unqiue that the
others cant just simply copy you. hummm... i'm thinking.. we gotta be creative and act quick..

and i always feel like... Ella is quite lucky to have hired me and Shan... really.. if i am a bad person,
i could have collected some money and started the same business on my own. then all of the sudden,
she would be definitely in panic and big trouble. she pays so much less than what we should get...
as in... what kind of job we're doing.. not just a receptionist sitting and making worksheets.. we do
help her taking care of her business well. parents complain about the courses and teachers, teachers
complain about the student or parents or the center, but we take care and settle all, and no one had
ever complaint about us, at least not me. we never had problems on money record, we are gaining
students, expanding quickly in both 2 years. number of teachers and the quality of teachers is raising.
even though we have 2 big competetors here now we are still expanding. so.. i think we are doing not
bad in general. and we will grow bigger and bigger. but this is not my money, coz it's not my business.
i do think about to start on my own.. but..... there're so much i gotta consider about. i know.. i'm not a
business person, and... this is probably not what i would like to do. but if i do it well, i might be able to
make profit within 8 months, and it would grow each year. but the thing is... is it what i want to do..

Maggie called me tonight.. she is really inviting me for her wedding party.. hummmm... i dont feel like to
go, but then.. i dont know.. i will recieve her invitation card soon.

i read... and... i tried to enjoy my day.. i cried...
i guess... i will get better in time..
when i close my eyes, i hope when i open again, i would still be in Vancouver.
i'm thinking.. maybe Stephen is going crazy in his life again.. maybe dealing with so many different things..
if i was there, i still could see him sometimes, gave him some support, gave him some massage,
gave him some candies... so that i might be able to share his burden or cheer him up a bit.. but... is it
what he wants?

and.. when i think of these.. i have running tears in my eyes again. then i would need to remind
myself that.. i would see him again soon. and i should be patient with him and with myself too.
Cas... can you smile a bit?

>>September 24, 2008 at 4:24:40 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 22 日 星期一 【晴】

hey!

today is the Sginal no. 3, then Signal no. 8!
haha.. i woke up at 6 30 this morning.. i couldnt sleep.. so.. i just watched tv.. had breakfast..
then came on line.. and i decided to go to the office with Shan.. did a bit work.. then came home
resting afterward. yea.. this morning i was home alone..

then... yeaaaa... took a walk to the office with Shan. my first day to wear my crocs =)
la la la la la la~~ hahaha.. it is very light and comfortable. GREAT. and coz today rains.. it's okay..
i bought some jibbitz =) heeeeee. la la la~ so cute. it's definitely my style now. hahaha.. just for fun.

this morning was kindda easy. we talked alot.. and some about work, mostly personal stuffs.
coz it's typhoon. paretns usually just call in asking for arrangement, didnt really have big trouble
or matter to deal with. then we talked lots.. nice to chat with her. then we had lunch, and did some
shopping for the office.. then after that.. back to the office, and did lots of cleaning.. re-arranging
stuffs at different places. fixing things, re-newing files, and tidy up the desk and store room abit..
then yea.. more calls in the afternoon.. then.. i left earlier after finishing most of them. i walked home.
even though it was signal no. 8... it wasnt really terrible untill i got home. i was so lucky.
i was wondering if i should take a taxi but i really wanna walk. i wanna exercise. so yea.. i was lucky.

back home watching the news... the China milk is harming soooooooo many children..
i felt so terrible about that.. and i really dont understand how could those ppl do that? it's toxic.
like what i said... i like my nationalty, i'm proud of being Chinese. but.. i'm ashame sometimes coz...
we Chinese ppl do do lots of bad things and stupid things. i dont know why they do that but it's
really shamful.

actually these two days when i was chatting with Shan... i got lots of thinking running inside my head..
especailly after listening her sharing.. it made me think alot. like.... there were many things i thought
they were good and well, but actually they werent. i thought the ppl were happy, but actually the
fact isnt shown. and even though this person seems so perfect, he is not. when i think about myself..
i dont really think i'm perfect. i think.. i would be happy if i am not the worst or the lowest score.

i'm the kind of person who would always wanna do my best on everything, and so i cant stand
some lazy ppl.. as in... co-worker or groupmate.. and.. i know i used to be a good leader, ppl like me..
i got really high standard for myself and others. but slowly when i grow up more, i just give up all
these kind of work. i quit joinging any leadership job. i become a much softer person. i am not as
harsh to ppl of course, well i dont think i was really harsh unless i had to.. ha.. but when i grow up
these years.. i found that... i dont wanna be as tough.. i wish i could be just doing my part, dont have
to take as much responsiblities for others.. i found that being nicer to ppl is more important, and i would
be happier this way.. i could be a good leader if i have to.. but i really dont want to be. so... yea..
that's why ppl would see me become less active at different things. coz simply i'm too tired of these.
i learnt alot through different experiences, but....... i dont think i wanna be the queen all the time.
it's always better if i could just be a simple person living happily. then we also talked about being a
big woman or a small woman. i think i used to be a big woman. coz the guys were scared of my
somehow. no coz of my attitude i dont have strong attitude but coz of the other things.
oh yea... that Exceptional Gifted Scheme ppl contacted me... actually i have stopped joining their
programme since so long time ago.. and so did the U21 group. i have done their courses long time
ago.. i dont know why they keep pushing me to update my information with them. it was my very honor
to be picked to join the scheme and U21 group... but.. i really dont like to deal with the others there.
it's like... those students are all the best of the best among all students in HK. what should i do there?
keep comparing myself with them? or they would do that. i dont like that.

now.. i just wanna be a small woman. well.. it's like.. you could be big inside, no one can take away
your inner self, but... you know what you're doing. i just wanna be nice to ppl and want them happy.
so yea.. sometimes being a small woman benefits me and others, then... why not.. especailly when
you know that the person is gonna be happier, your friend or boyfriend or family. ppl might say then
it's losing yourself. no. for me it's not losing myself. how do you know this couldnt be part of me?
how do you know if i am strong inside or just outside?

Shan said... after being with Stephen, i seem become more mature than before. she told me she used
to tell me and remind me on stuffs but i d never listened to her. but now, slowly i am so influenced
by him, we have been through so much and slowly i become a more mature person. she said ...
probably i would be the type of ppl who only listen to the boyfriend. i started to laugh out loud..
she said i became stronger as well. she said... it's very obvious that after this trip, i'm back to HK,
i looked happier, more confident, and stronger than before. i found that too. i'm glad. you know..
that i should thank my honey Stephen. and it's also one of the reason why i say me and him are just...
very ... special. i cant explaint anything for anything about us. and i just know that... for all the love
and effort... it comes from no where but my heart... dont know if it's even from my brain. Shan said..
she sees me always being so innocent to ppl.. like.. it's so real. haha.. for me.. i dont know if it is
innocent or what. i just know i'm real to ppl and i am very glad about that, so i am not gonna change it.
hummmmm... i just wish him good there. yea.. i still miss him much.. and today... is just the 7th day
since i'm back, since i'm away from him and Vancouver. 7 days less counting down for my next visit..
would that make me happier? i wish him would think in this way too. and i want him to know that i trust
him he would be fine, defintely. hummm yea.. i'm gonna find a way to let him know... hummm =)

>>September 23, 2008 at 1:46:36 PM GMT+8

2008 年 9 月 21 日 星期日 【晴】

i slept for 11.5 hrs last night. long sleep again..
i need sleep, i really do.

woke up.. get going to meet Miki for lunch. we had Jap.
HK is really hot. it's so stuffy.. i feel like i'm melting.
i wear skirt and tang. but i know guys glance at me. i dont feel comfortable about that. but it's really
too hot here HK. i melt. ppl say typhoon is coming again. how many typhoons we have this year?
crazy. amnd it's like of course i'm happy coz i dont have to work if it's Signal No. 8 or higher.
anyway.. yea... after lunch, i met Shan for a drink at her lunch time. Taiwanese tea..
then back to the office. did a bit of work.. and chatting with her. yea.. good to catch her up.
miss her.. miss the girl talk with her. then she told me what happened while i was in Van..
i've missed a bday party.. i 've missed some fun stories. nahhhh.. i dont think i would go anyway.
i dont know why.. i dont really like partying at the club or stuff like that. yeaa i like dancing, but...
partying is... not my type.. maybe coz i dont drink or i dont play those games. i dont find them fun at all.
when i went clubbing, i only danced and enjoyed the music.

i found that.. there's one more strange man walking outside the office now. this happened these
days when i came back to work. he.. stared at me while standing like.. 5 m outside the office.
it's scary, coz he stared at me. but whenever there's a security guard walking by, he dissappeared.

anyway after that, met mom then we went to the hospital to visit grandpa. i saw aunties...
and then... one of them was being a bitch to mom and me. i was a bit angry. i wanted talk to her like..
"you dont talk to my mom like this. i respect you as my aunt but you shouldnt talk to my mom like this."
she was very rude, and shouting. she's crazy. she shouldnt be that rude. i didnt talk to her, coz she's
my aunt, and she was already about to start a fight. and the nurse came and said only 2 ppl are allowed
to stay each time. so yea.. mom was so pissed off and we left. she brought food, but we didnt know.
we brought soup too, and she started shouting at us and ordered us to follow her schedule. what's
the matter with her? dont get it. oh yea, she wants to know when we will visit when we will not.
why the hell she didnt call and ask? she lives far away, but it doesnt mean we have to follow her
rules. i really hate ppl expect me to fit in their schedule without discussing with me. who you think you
are? it's so disgusting. and how dare she shouts at us in front of everyone at the hospital.

then.. yea.. we stayed outside the room.. and many other relatives came.. and mom told them what
happened. and then after visiting.. we just came home.

i'm very tired still. then mom asked about Stephen when we walked home tonight. hummm...
mom wanted to know if i am serious with him. mom wanted to know if he is serious with me as well.
mom also kindda tested me.. like.. coz today at the hospital there was a doctor always walking around
outside the room. we saw him a couple times. and mom noticed that whenever he walked by, he
glanced at me somehow but not others. i felt that but i didnt say anything... then when we left the
hospital, mom brought that up.

then she tested me like.. if there's a good looking guy or a rich guy or anyone going after me, then if i
would go for another guy or i would stay with Stephen. i didnt say much... i dont want mom finds
that i'm so desperate to Stephen, coz it'm not. but if i say i would stay with Stephen then she is gonna
think i'm very desperate. but i dont wanna say like i would go for the others coz i know i wont do it.
so i didnt know what to say.. haha. but i understand she concerns on us... then mom told me again
that.. wen i was born, they brought me to the fortune teller and let him pick up my Chinese name.
and the fortune teller choose my name and told them that... my life would be great.. i would get marry
early when i'm young, and i would have a very happy marriage life. my husband would love me alot
and i wont need to worry for 3 meals a day, and i wont need to work. basically my husband would
not be very rich at the beginig but he would be after marring me. i'm a christain.. i dont really belive in it.
but... i would listen.. for me it's just statistic and doesnt mean too much. but so far when i met whoever
know how to read face of life, they would tell my parents that i got a good life ahead, they called it
"fortune". so... i dont know.. let's see if i would get married early, and see if my husband in future
would be getting rich after marring me =) haha! and most importantly, see if i would be so looooved
and happy with my life.

>>September 22, 2008 at 3:28:25 PM GMT+8