2011 年 2 月 1 日 星期二 【晴】

The year of rabbit now..

work was kind of crazy today as in.... i only got 3 hrs sleep last night...
then i m not feeling well today. felt dizzy at work.
in the morning i was typing report, then someone from the tech dept came checking sth,
then he turned off the power system of my computer. i was like OPPS! WHAT's GOING ON???
i didnt save the file coz i trust the recovery thing if the computer has problem. but then no.
this time it didnt happen! i was so pissed, coz the next person who took over was gonna
re-do everything i have done. wasted so much time.

then some crazy chinese guy swear at me and *Mn at S.Concierge today. i was very
pissed off. he said ''bull shit, SHIT! you wasted my fucking time!'' at first we were ignoring
him and his awful attitude. i just refused to give him that extra free ticket, i already gave him
one. and i have every right not to give him that extra one, especially when he was
acting so arrogant to us. i just didnt give him. we asked him if he has another person with
him then that person can redeem another free ticket for him. then he was angry and he
made a phone call ordering his wife to come here. then when she walking towards us,
he started swearing at us. then we just ignored him. some other customers came, we
just ignored that man. then he was so rude he said ''you wasted my fucking time.''
i was so pissed i just said FUCK. then i saw the customer standing and watching. that
customer gave us a smile and a weird look at that chinese guy. he kept swearing when
he walked away. when we gave him that extra free ticket, then he was so arrogant
like why not showing us id as a proof, and said we were slow to serve him. he didnt
even speak english properly and he swear in english. how funny, NICE. i was gonna
call help, *Mn stopped me. i was so pissed off, i told *Mn i'd call help if he comes back.
i felt intimidated by him and i dont wanna deal with crazy guy like that. fucking asshole.

i need to get the ticket soon... and i m just wondering if i m staying at his place or he
doesnt expect me staying at his place? then... yea... i told him i felt dizzy at work...
he said i m pregnant... i was smiling. i told him yea right, i m pregnant since i havent had
sex for months.

anyway... i m so tired.... after work... i met up with my family to have dinner at aunt's
home with my relatives and grand parents.. dad side..
so tired.... then we went to the night market. i wasnt very happy actually but... whatever.
i dont feel strong for the chinese new year this year i dont know why..
it just feels like its just another day. and also for Valentines, i dont have much feelings...
i dont know what honey thinks... i dont know if he has changed.. i just dont feel the
same about CNY or Valentines... maybe coz i dont have holidays and i m stressed..
sad... but i know i used to like CNY and Valentines especially when i was small.
i wanna enjoy these special days in a year but then........ need to remind myself the
true meaning of these days.. and remind myself how lucky i m i could spend time
with my family.... but except him... then i just feel sad... coz i miss him so much..

do you think he misses me too?

the fact is... you dont know when ppl are leaving you or changing, you dont know.
you trust someone completely till the day you wake up and find that person has
been lying to you for good or bad reasons you dont know. isnt it scary?
but if you dont trust then you'd never know the truth, coz you block your senses.. then
the truth cant appeal to you.

its not about honey, its me... i mean... i m scared to be left out... i m scared to be alone..
i m scared coz i was always facing the same situation again and again.
he always said like... if i wanted to go i m free to go... but for me, it sounds like he wants
me to go. its like dont let me go if you do want me to stay. if you dont want me then let
me go. i'd never said i wanted to leave him.

i should go to bed..

>>February 2, 2011 at 6:57:48 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 31 日 星期一 【晴】

hi... good morning..

i have the A-shift again. gotta get tehre by 7 30...
i m tired.. i wanted to go to bed early but i just couldnt sleep.

honey's on line but i dont get any replies from him. its been weird.


brb... need to get going..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



i m home...
i m so tired.. not feeling well..


i m gonna get the ticket pretty soon i think... maybe this week or next week.
but this week and the next week is chinese new year... so... i dont know..
i miss him so much and i want him so much.

sometimes i feel so tired as in.... there arent much i can do, but i keep asking myself
what i can do. at the meanwhile even if i wanna help, he might not want my help.
and i do respect him on that. but then i really dont know what i should do.
i could get my life going, but my heart isnt here.

somehow i worry that our love has changed coz i dont know what he thinks..
i dont want him to feel weird or feel bad. i dont want him to love me coz i have
helped him, coz its not love but returning favor only. i dont want that.
the reality is really ugly but very honest. if he's in need then i would try my every
ways to fulfill his need. its just a natural thing. but then i also need to understand
i m a girl and he's a man. there are things that i cant do and i am not good at.
then i should learn to let go and stop worrying.

maybe coz i m not confident enough. sometimes i m insecure.
hummm i m not rich, i m not young, i m not pretty pretty, i dont have the very good education
back ground, i dont have that great body every guys want. i dont have the best jobs
all the girls want. i dont know how to play games, i m clumsy, i m dumb, i m not good at
what girls are usually good at. i dont know how to be a great girlfriend that every guys
would chase after. what i have today is from my hard work plus lots of good luck.
every guys want that japanese style of girl, i m not. every guys want that hot skinny body
i m chubby. every guys want that type of make up, i dont look japanese. and i dont have
that tits, i dont speak japanese. am i scared? yea. coz i could never be that girl every
guys would want. but this is me, wether you want me or not this is me.



work was okay today, nothing special...
after work i just hang ard by myself... then they reminded me it was *Py's last day..
so, we just went to karaoke with him. its wasting money but at least i could do something
to distress myself. i need some release... i lay down on the sofa there, i was too tired..
i got tears in my eyes but i didnt let them see me.

thanks for the invitations and confirmations. i totally forgot about that actually, but then they
reminded me..and seriously, i dont know if there are any gossip passing ard about me,
these days, all of the sudden, the guys from the other team just kept trying to chat with
me at work. its like there used to be a few of them would talk to me, but in the past week
since the *Le has been talking to me, then his ppl have been trying to flirt with me.
i dont feel comfortable with that coz i dont know what's going on and i dont like flirting
especially at work. i dont mind to be nice and sweet coz it's the way i am, but i m not the
girl they think i am. i m dumb but not that stupid yet. yea i could be pretty open minded but
only to one person, i could flirt but depends on with whom.


i should go to bed... need to get up ard 5 again..

>>February 1, 2011 at 5:50:55 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 30 日 星期日 【晴】

where are you?
how are you?

>>January 31, 2011 at 12:44:35 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 29 日 星期六 【晴】






i went back to work today... not feeling well actually, keep coughing.
stomach hurts, but ... yea... back to work.
nothing special, but its weird the manager put me at S.Concierge almost for the whole day.
i had only 1 hr at the N.Concierge, then i also had 2 hrs at the office that i could rest.
*L, *R and i had lunch together... *L was weird today. hummmm....

after work, i met up with my family then had dinner with my grandpa and my relatives.
i dont like to be there but no choice. then the coming CNY, i need to see them again.

tomorrow i m gonna be off... i dont know if i m sending honey anything for Valentines..
probable not, coz i just sent him a big package. how's he?
i dont like valentine's day..

the dog of my neighbor is really poor....... his owner doesnt really take care of them well..
so poor. he doesnt have enough food or water, sometimes i wonder that family shouldnt
have any pets since they cant take care of them.

>>January 30, 2011 at 5:49:30 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 28 日 星期五 【晴】

hi..

i didnt go to work today... finally took my first sick leave. it was bronchitis.
ichy ichy.

i slept pretty long... got up, then called to the management office, then slept again...
it was very busy at the clinic... i called at 10 am for the booking, coz i know the line would
be jammed at 9 when they open. they arranged my appointment at 3 pm. then when i got
there, i still need to wait for 40 patients. so i had lunch with my family then went back
to the clinic and i still waited for ard 45 mins. after that, i took a walk then i went home..

i m still thinking about what i can do for honey.. what i can do or i should do...
i got his email today. i really hope he would get well soon. i would keep praying.

*Me called me, she asked if i could go to work tomorrow. i told her yes..
she said coz if i couldnt then she can arrange someone to take over. i told her i would go
to work tomorrow. but tomorrow i need to get up at 6 am.... sigh.

i m still thinking of honey...

tmr after work i need to go to grandpa's bday dinner, dad's side.
i dont like to hang out with them coz... i m sick of their bs and all the fake masks of theirs.
but as a grand child, i need to be there, even though i dont agree with them but i have to
respect them as my relatives someone older than me or... from the big family -- Lau.

i should go to bed early... i dont think the medicine is working..
but i worry honey more. by the way, he got the package already.

>>January 29, 2011 at 4:09:43 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 27 日 星期四 【晴】

today was a long day..

i got up early to meet up with Shan... we had breakfast together.
we talked about the online store. we are doing it together. i need a partner coz i dont
have enough sources and time, but she has sources and fast. the main thing is...
i need a company and i know her since 6, she's always been my best friend.

then... i went back to work, hold my tears on the way...
back to work, trying to distract myself.. had a meeting today, it was okay.
got more assignments to do. then, met aunt Ching in my break time. i dropped by Ivy's
work place during break yesterday. got bubble tea for dinner then starving during work.
today, i had normal meal with aunt Ching. i cant stay alone, coz when i m alone, i have
no one to talk to me, then my mask falls off, then i would cry within seconds.
i tried so hard when i was at the concierge alone today... my tears were running
in my eyes. then at the last 3 hrs, i stayed at the promotion desk with the promotor *Ck.
i kind of noticed that he's gay. then we chatted a bit, then i found him must be gay.
the promotion went well today, numbers were all right when we were closing. thanks.

then on the way home, i was taking MTR, then train. *Sa was with me, but i couldnt
hold it already... i was almost bursting into teas, i was holding so hard.
once i get off at Mong Kok, i changed line, then i start just... crying..
when i went back to Tai Po, i walked to the park nearby then i cried for awhile.
i was alone, and i was ... just crying. i worried someone might see me but i couldnt
care, i just need to cry. i have been holding for a whole day. came home i told mom i got
some allergy, kept sneezing so my eyes were red and my nose was stuffed.

mom actually asked about honey few days ago. i told her he's sick there. she asked me
if he asked me for help. i told her he didnt want my help. my mom asked me why he
didnt ask his family for help. i told her coz he didnt want to. she said if we were rich then
we could help him. i didnt say anything. i think as i m chinese, i have a very strong
feeling about family and relationship with people. especially about someone so important
to me, i already treated him like a family member of mine. i dont do that to everyone, but
about him i cant help it, as in how much i care about him. so, even if i have nothing,
i would still fight for him. i know it would happen to my family, if i m in need, they would
just help me. not coz of anything, just coz we love each others. i know lots of ppl wont
help their family members but my family does for sure. it doesnt mean i would just take
advantage on them, i wont coz i cant. i cant do that to them when i know they love me
so much. i dont want to do any stupid thing to hurt them so i dont.

anyway... when i came home, i just checked mails immediately. i have been staying on
line at work and at home. keep checking emails and my msn. i dont think my team mates
want me to do that but they understand i m in needed for that. i told them i have some
emergency problems that i need to stay on line. they understand coz they see how sad
i have been these days. they kind of cover for me as well. thanks.

i even called honey today after meeting. coz i saw a missed private call that number
was blocked. i called mom to see if it's from home, coz my home is set for blocked number.
it wasnt called from home. then, i just called honey to see if he has called me.. but it was
directed to voice mail... i was scared. coz, i know my package has reached his home
but no one was there to sign for it. i wondered what happened there? today was the
sec time i called. i really started to worry more and more. i wanna give him time and
space, but it doesnt mean i could just go to work and go home and eat and sleep like normal.
i cant.

i saw his emial, thanks god.. i have been praying every night, and i cried in bed every night.
i prayed and cried till i fell asleep. i got his email, then i replied him. i worry. i do, but..
i dont wanna give him extra stress now. i cant do that.

please heal him. please. please. please... i rather take that pain from him than seeing him
in pain. somehow i still blame myself, what if i could make more money last year?
what if i dindt create so much troubles last year? would everything become much better now?
i m not punishing myself, but i do think about that. what if i could do better last year?
would the situation better now? its not the main reason why i wanna help him, not coz
of the guilt, but the thing is.... if anything happened, i m not gonna be able to forgive myself.
i wont let myself be good. coz i know as a gf, i couldnt help him, i'd blame myself for that.
i could have a chance to make things better but i failed again and again.

anyway... i m sick... i might take a sick leave tomorrow. i need to see a doctor and get a
day off. i might go for a walk or something. these days, my eating habit has been changing
so much. its either i dont eat or i eat so much more than i should then i feel sick.
i m coughing and i keep taking deep breath dont know why.

he must hang in there.. coz... even if we have nothing, we could start over again.
i m not leaving him, so he has to stay alive and stay strong for me. i m waiting for him.
i dont mind if he stays in Japan or goes back to Canada.. there always be some ways.
i just keep praying now..

>>January 28, 2011 at 6:03:04 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】







i miss him...

i m at work now... i saw my roster today and i was kind of shocked..
i had 1 hr working with a partner, then i m gonna be alone for the rest of the 7 hrs.
well, i have 2 hrs at the end with the promotor. hopefully those number wont go wrong.
otherwise, i need to check all the record to match the numbers. its my first time closing
the counter, and as i know, this promotion has problems everyday. good luck.
then, tomorrow we would have meeting with the management... *P was went crazy
another day checking our grooming, she sent *Me to check us one by one with
a check list... i was lucky it was my day off. almost everyone got into trouble.
then yesterday when i returned work, i saw the email. she was really pissed off
by their gel-nails and other stuffs. *Ry got shouted coz she was playing on her iphone.

i need to find something to do to distract myself.. i miss him so much, sometimes
i just take a deep breath or make myself to do something. i cant let myself crying at
work. and today is difficult coz i m always alone.

stay strong... you gotta be tough, just wait.

>>January 27, 2011 at 6:48:16 AM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

i should wait patiently.
i know he would be alright, i should have faith in him.
i will wait for him.

i wanted to call him, but i think it's better give him some time..
i dont know what i can do, but then.... my worry isnt gonna help him but only make him
suffocate. i cant do that to him. i should be patient. now, it's time for me to learn to be
patient. and you know, he knows he's not alone. he's strong, he's not like me...
he's strong enough to survive these. i have to learn to be tough too... i cant break down
now. i cant let myself fall. coz right now, i have to stay strong.

i emailed him... no matter what i m not gonna leave him.
we could start over again, i m not giving up on him. i have faith in him.

i pray, i pray... i hope God is listening my prayer. help us, save us.

>>January 26, 2011 at 4:23:42 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

i cant lose him..

i m so worried about him.

yesterday and today i am off..
i thought about just getting on the plane to there to see him, but he doesnt want me to.
yea, its crazy but i would do it if i'd need to.

i got up early yesterday so that i could go to the bank.. i took a cap there, then walked
back home afterward. then came home, i just went back to sleep. i slept till 6 30 pm..
i was crazily tired.. so... yea.. i didnt do much.. then at night, i got his mesg. i was so
scared. i am still scared right now. i dont know what to do, i seriously dont know what
to do... i might fly over someday like... if i cant contact him then i would have to fly over..

today... i got up late, and i have been waiting for his reply..
then i finally got down to the mall to get a phone card. i met up with Shan as well..
i chatted with her for a short while. i just need some support right now. i m desperate.
i cried. he's my hope and my love, if i lost him i dont know what i'm gonna do..

i walked home, then i gave him a call.. but he didnt pick up.. i dont know... i really dont know..
i cant lose him, i cant... i dont know what i m gonna do..
i m so worried about him. i thought about to contact his friends, but i dont think he'd want
me to do that..

you know.. i wish i m the one who suffers than letting him taking that pain.
i kind of regret coming home, but if i didnt come home, i dont know what would happen.
i kind of regret i didnt stop him going to Japan. i know i couldnt stop him, i know i wanna
support him, but if i know he's gonna be in pain i would stop him. i rather take that pain
for him. i know i m a girl but... that's what girls do. if its necessary, i would die for him.

please... i have been praying.....



i remember... last year when i was there.... i complaint about staying home about being
lonely, about working at home is boring... but then...... he told me he rather switched with
me. i go out to work, he could stay home working. i said thats good. now, he's staying
home struggling, then i m out working making money.. not enough money but... at least
could help abit... he doesnt want me to help, but for me, it doesnt matter if i have to spend
all the money i make, coz he's just that important to me. i need him. i dont mind to help
when he falls, coz we are a team. i wont let him fall and i wont let him down. when he's
ready, we would be back to normal. he's always my hero.

>>January 25, 2011 at 10:28:38 AM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

i have stomachache and headache..
i m not very happy today but i still need to fake a smile, coz i was at work.
when i was with my team mates then i was alright. i could be cheerful..
but when i was alone before and after work, i m just a normal person and i dont
need to hide anymore.

this morning i was sleeping on the train again.. i was too tired, i couldnt get up,
i was so late. i just made it on time when i clock in.
i was cranky this morning on the train.. i couldnt be patient to the rude ppl there.
i dont mind if i m not working, but if i m going to work or after work, i m stressed
out easily on the traffic.

i was trying to do my banking on line this morning before work, that's one of the
reasons why i was so late... but i couldnt handle it.. i was fixing my credit card
on line last night, got my itune acct as well, updated some songs on my itune.
then... this morning i was trying to do the banking.

i wasnt happy today, i think i have said something wrong.
and now, he doesnt talk to me. i dont know if he's unwell that's why or coz he's not
happy with what i said this morning. i wasnt really thinking when i said that.
i was in a rush, and i was so messy. i just couldnt think well.
it's stupid to say coz i know he didnt do it but i just said it coz i was confused.
but then.... yea, i said that already, harm was done already :(

and the entire day, he really didnt talk to me at all.

i m worried about him, i do care about him..
but...... if he doesnt talk to me, then...... that means he doesnt want to talk to me.
sigh....

after work i was pretty tired and... honestly i m stressed. i need some time to...
do my own stuffs, just to relax and rest.. then i met up with *F, we went for a drink.
we talked a lot... just girl's talk... i m a little surprised about her.

anyway, how's he now? is he alright?



Love the way you lie, part 2.

[Rihanna's Part 1]
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna's Part 2]
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna's Part 3]
So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories

[Eminem's Part]
It's morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you'll be sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counsellin'
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
With you I'm in my f-ckin' mind, without you, I'm out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

Love the way you lie

>>January 23, 2011 at 5:56:14 PM GMT+8