2011 年 6 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】

i went to work today... alarm rang for 6 times, didnt wake me up till the 7th.
so exhausted at work, got a birthday party there. i had to join, but i didnt find fun.
took pics as they wanted. glad that *J was there, coz she's someone i could share
and trust at work. i dont share tears at work, i wont let myself to. if my mask falls,
i m done and gone. she knows i m sad, i told her she's right, but i didnt say much.
i rather cry alone in washroom or while i m by myself.
after work, i ran to tutoring. new student, she's okay actually. so tired, i m so tired.

----------------


if we are gonna end, i dont know if i would love someone as deep ever again.
i dont know if i would still trust someone with my total heart.
its okay to like someone, but falling is so difficult and harsh.

i know whatever it is, i'd never be able to be her or someone else.
i cant. this is me, and there's no space for me, i cant find my role anymore.
i dont know what to do. i cant understand if i m doing the right thing.

i dont want to leave him, i do love him so much that i cant even understand myself.
but if he doesnt love me or want me, or never loved me, i rather he be honest with me.
if he does love me, i hope he would tell me. so that i know what happened in the past
years. if he wants me to go, i hope he'd say it out. so that i know what i should do.
its like... it just feels like actually i m nothing to him now or he dislikes me.

if its true, i wont blame him, coz it's really my bad that id never let go of him.
its really my bad that i could leave but i just never did, never moved on.
just coz i always trust him. my own problems, hurt by my own fault, hurt by the stupidity.
but i dont see myself wrong. coz i didnt do one single thing wrong, i was always loyal
to myself and my heart. but if things turn out telling me i hurt myself for no reasons,
okay... i guess i know why.

i m old, fat and ugly.
guys wont even pay to sleep with me. i got it confirmed in a few different ways.
i m shameful as a woman. and its so painful you know?
what's wrong with me now?

i dont know where i am going. i dont know where i can run to.. or what to do..
i ask myself why i lost my faith to live my life. i knew i owe myself, i cant blame anyone.

i dont want to talk with ppl about my deep feelings, coz...
i feel like i m a failure in any ways. i need to face myself, but how?

i wanna get drunk and crazy, so that i could run away from my feelings.
i m so done with my self. i hate you Cas.
you're pathetic, you're a horrible witch.

>>June 2, 2011 at 3:56:47 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 31 日 星期二 【晴】

i dont want to cry.
i m.... so confused now.
Gees... i dont know what to do, i cant deal with more. i'm going to bed first..

damn it i want to stay in bed the whole day tmr. i really dont want to go to work.

should i just set myself free that i could die and not to think about anything anymore?
is there any way i could just leave everything behind and stay away, i would be so sorry
to my family but i already did lots of shameful things anyway. if my life is ruined, no, my
life has been ruined long time ago.. omg i m getting crazy, aint i?










>>June 1, 2011 at 4:27:00 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 31 日 星期二 【晴】

i cried.
where should i run to?

>>May 31, 2011 at 11:21:23 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 29 日 星期日 【晴】

hi...

i was really stressed at work yesterday, it was crazy. like really drained me out.
sigh, i dont know.... workload is loaded up, so tiring but boring. i dont want it.
bad news came on the meeting day.. new tasks, new station, and new procedures
were supposed to start in June, but things changed yesterday. so.. i dont know.
then *L told me he's quitting too. i think they need to hire more ppl fast. the girls
have been complaining a lot and applying jobs else where already. i dont know if
they would quit at once or whatever, i dont wanna be too stressed there. coz..
i m already stressed enough. and i dont really want to work already.

i watched ''Jane Eyre'' last night. it's nice.
got up late this morning... then went out with family, met with aunt Kitty as well.
we had dim sum, then went to China. went to the big book store there, then went to the
big new shopping mall, it's just like in HK actually. it's large, modern, same brands from
HK, same shops, it's okay, not crowded. then had dinner there, did some shopping
then came back to HK.

tmr gotta go back to work. sigh.

i saw him on line, i said hi to him but he'd never replied.
does it affect me? yes, it does.

>>May 30, 2011 at 6:22:09 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 27 日 星期五 【晴】

i m upset today.
quite frustrated about my job.. and getting very pissed at the ppl on train.

ppl kept jumping in when the door was closing. it closed for 3 times and it needed the 4th
time to close the door. the train was full, ppl didnt care, still jumped in and expecting
ppl would give them space since they jumped in! ppl who walked into the train, they stood
right at the door side even though there were space for them to go in but they didnt.
they stood there and take over space where ppl already taken. fuck. its just insane.
that woman pushed her child to me, and they totally took my space. i was nice to them
i gave them space to get on train and space for them to went in a bit more. they didnt
care, they just came in and took my space and blocked my way with her giant arm.
its like she should move back but she didnt, instead took a step forward to me. wth??
two hindu men went in, smell disgusting. i couldnt help it i just covered my nose.
i wonder what they think but i m so sorry. if they complain i m gonna tell them they smell
bad. i dont want them to think i discriminate them, the truth is about the smell.
they have the right to stink everyone on train, i think i have the right to cover my nose
while i smell something disgusting, as in thats just the natural instinct telling me to.
mainland chinese traveling iwth giant suitcases flying around the train, they dont look,
they dont care if they are loud or if their baggages would run over ppl' feet. its just so
difficult to travel with train these days. its just so difficult.

its just so crazy.

and yea, i figured that... i m not attractive actually. in many ppl' eyes i m just fat
and i m not pretty. the girls i dont find attractive are actually even more attractive
than me. fuck, i m really that bad. i used to think i look fine in my team, much better
than many girls in the team, but actually no. i m not. i just feel really bad now.
and i guess more or less, i should have realized i have been not that attractive
in many ppl' eyes, and that might be why honey wasnt interested in me.
i rank as 6 out of 9. that's pretty shitty. i do feel pretty shitty.

i think... i saw him on line just now and i said hi. maybe it wasnt real.
i dont know......

>>May 28, 2011 at 5:56:58 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 26 日 星期四 【晴】

i hope i dont need to work tomorrow..
i m so done, so done with it.

i dont like the girls there, dont wanna be so fake around them.
its like, why girls have to create troubles. its like they dont have something to do
then they spread gossips, talk about things that dont exist. in their lives, they only
have their bf and how their bfs should please them, where they wanna taking pics,
what restaurants they want to go with their guys and take pics with, what shoes or
bags they to buy. and whenever there are some tiny things they are not happy
with, they turn bitchy showing attitude and wine about shits. its like, in their lives,
there are nothing else more important than that. they dont care about the society,
they dont care about the world, they dont care anything else. they care about ''future''
as in if they could marry the guy they want or if they have enough money for shits.
sometimes, lots of things could be so easy so easy, but they make it so complicated.
if not following their way, they make it your fault. its like what the fuck? they dont tell
you, they smile to you but create troubles behind you, sometimes making up stories
behind your back, misleading others. i cant understand why they do that, but i m sick of it.
they did that to me more than once, and they think i dont know about it... but you
know, more than one person who know me told me there's something wrong...
and i know i wasnt wrong. i dont like those girls' game. i dont, i really dont want it.
but how come i just cant stay out of it? i mean why the fuck they have to involve me??
when they told me shit, i dont pass them around. but now they come on me??
i m not that stupid wanting troubles, i m not that kind of person love that kind of stupid
game. fucking leave me alone!! fuck you all bitches! they think they are smart,
and i cant put up with that. its just dumb.

i still havent heard from honey.
i miss him... dont know how he is now.

i m scared. i m so tired.

wealth, glamour, good shape, i think everyone wants it...
but looking at these things, which ppl desire and are craving making their way to get these,
i m just.... a bit lost like.... wondering if these are really that important in life.
its just nothing, when the person dies, s/he cant keep them. when ppl get old, they dont
look as attractive anyway. its just so meaningless chasing after things that mean nothing.
what's wrong with us ppl now something i think. but ppl dont care. especially when i m
doing my job these days, it just really challenges my patient... i guess everyone has
their stories, their position at work or family... so, it just doesnt make sense why ppl
creating unnecessary troubles to their surrounding. is it a typical chinese girls' thing now?
i told them about the news, they dont care. i talked about food and health, they know
nothing. i talked about books or education or economics, they know nothing! fuck.
what else do they know?

i wanna run away but i cant. i just want to do my job and leave.
i dont need to be their queen, i have no intention to harm anyone, i havent done any
harm as well.

i want my honey, i want my family, i want my life back.

>>May 27, 2011 at 6:15:46 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

i feel so bad today... so shitty.
sigh... i dont know what to do.. i dont wanna go to work..

its so tiring and i m so exhausted, drained out....
my schedule sucks and i was at the busy counters for the whole day, whole day.

i miss him so much. so much. i just dont know what to do...

>>May 26, 2011 at 5:26:45 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 24 日 星期二 【晴】

so tiring...

i got up early today in the morning, so i could send Cyn to the airport.
i met her there actually. then, yea.. spent an hr with her then after she left i had
breakfast and took airport express back to the hong kong station to work.
it was pretty peaceful all the way till back to work. with Cyn, its like the old time in Van.
it was nice, i miss hanging out with her actually. we used to be very close.
then the breakfast was okay, peaceful, and the train back to hong kong station was
fast and neat. it was pretty peaceful...

work was boring and busy at different time. i hate working there somehow.
hate sitting there being watched and spyed on. hate sitting there serving all the jerks
and bitches. i m trying to adjust myself, i m doing better than before but still,
i hate being there taking ppl' attitude or being watched by a bunch of guys.
i m not pretty, i m not that attractive, fucking leave me alone and stop being stupid.
its my job to sit there serving ppl, but i m not like those fishes in the tank. leave me alone.
ppl sometimes came asking stupid que then started asking something else.
i mean what makes you think i would go for a drink or coffee with you when i m at work?

*C wanted someone to talk with, so after work we went to McDonalds.
its okay... then after that someone came talking to me, then gave me his business card.
well, talk to ppl or make connection with ppl, it doesnt matter to me now.
i dont really care. i just want to distract myself anyway. i dont think i m gonna do anything,
but talking to ppl i dont know might actually help me feel better.

i still think of grandpa sometimes, i know mom does too.

and about honey, he hasnt replied yet and i havent reaplied that girl as well.
it does bug me, as in.... why that girl talked to me again all of the sudden after that time?
like just showing off to me now or proving me something? as a girl, that's what i sense.
am i jealous? maybe, but id say i m nervous, as in i dont know what the fuck is going on.
dont know if it's all connected or not, i m not sure so i dont want to say anything.
but why would that happen? and what's next that's what i concern.

i m so tired.... sigh.

where is he now? i hope he's okay... its getting close to the end of the month now..
i miss him everyday... i really miss him. and it hurts when i think of what's been
happening.

>>May 25, 2011 at 6:07:47 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 22 日 星期日 【晴】

today was still heavy for us.

mom and dad came back from the hospice then stayed home for a whole day..
so did i, Miki and Leggy were home too. we didnt do any grocery shopping.
we ate canned food with rice. i didnt sleep that early morning since parents left home,
then i stayed up till the sun came.. then i went back to sleep. i slept for the whole day.
i got up ard afternoon, then ate some lunch, then chatted with mom for a bit, then went
back to bed till late evening.. had a movie and dinner..

today... mom wanted some fresh air, so last night we already decided to go out together.
Miki and Leggy would go movie, dad went helping to organize the funeral. mom didnt
want to go coz she couldnt handle it. i was supposed to meet up with Cyn, my close
friend, she finally visited hk and i was so happy when she first let me know. i missed
her, and the last time we met was like in Aug last year in Van.

this morning, aunt Kitty called and crying on phone again, it woke me up while mom talking
with her. then.... i was going to accompany mom and then meet with Cyn..
but we changed plans, we had lunch with aunt Kitty as well. then after that hung around
the mall, then dad finished with uncles and other aunts, then dad came pick up mom.
i met with Cyn. she introduced me a new friend, and i was pretty surprised that Vic was
in HK too. i havent seen her since so long, a few years ago actually. its nice to see them
today.. i didnt stay with them for dinner... i came home instead. i dont quite have mood
actually.. but i need some fresh air and need to distract myself somehow.. nice distraction.
not the best but better than nothing.

dad called me, told me the funeral is gonna be on June 11 and June 12, and my bday is
June 12. it sucks. i mean... grandpa dies on dads bday, and grandpa's funeral is on my
bday. it just feels weird. in a way, its like well... i dont need to apply for more holiday since
i already requested 11th and 12th as my day-offs for my bday. then yea... we're short
of ppl at work, and they are going on vacation, so its hard to take vacation for me..
then, now its like with all the bad shit happening, i cant have more than 1 day off in a
week and still, while they are on holiday its gonna be quite busy. so... i dont know..
i m gonna be so exhausted and... not only physically its gonna be so harsh on me.
its like...... mentally i m not sure if i can take all these.

i might seem fine but i m not fine. i dont see mom's crying. i dont see dad's really upset.
mom told me she's unhappy but she couldnt do anything, she is trying to get back to
the normal life, and she tries to avoid things that upset her. dad is helping with most
of the organizing.. i think my dad cares even more than my other aunts or uncles.
some of them just really pisses me off. they dont deserve to be grandpa's children.
i cant say anything but i really dont like them. i m not grandpa's child, and i havent
cried yet. not coz i m not sad or not affected... in fact, grandpa has helped me so much
so much, and he was so nice to me and my family. i would never forget him and
i really really appreciate his help and care. so i always like to be around him.
when he was healthier before, i visited him more often, we went for dim sum and
went to the park. we took pics together. he was so nice... so, i do feel upset about his
death...... but i also understand he's 83 already, even if the illness didnt take him away,
one day he would still leave us. but i just wish that when he left, his beloved sons
would be ard, but they were not. he always wanted to see his sons but they... were
not always around. he wanted to die at home and his sons wouldnt let him for some
stupid reasons. i m sad.. of course i am sad.


-----------

i ..... also saw something today..
that japanese girl now is friend with someone who i know of.
i was... shocked to be honest..
so he could get on to the internet that often yea. i dont know what's going on.
at the mean while i m so tired like so tired so tired already.
i know if i call it end, it's probably gonna end. but is it really what we are meant to be?


I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life ....

:'(

i cant do it anymore.. i m about to break... please.... what do you want from me???
what am i to you? am i just a joke to you?



>>May 23, 2011 at 4:30:25 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 21 日 星期六 【晴】

its not gonna be a good day today.
i love dad's bday, but at the same time, grandpa just left.

my parents came pick me up yesterday after work. then we walked around
and had dinner together with Miki and Leggy as well..
we had hot pot... then came home... it was late..
i went to bed pretty late... then... i was woke by the call.. ard 4 sth am just now..
aunt called. i heard mom's speaking to her. grandpa is leaving.
dad and mom just got up and are driving there now.. then grandpa's maid just called
and i got her, she was crying looking for mom, i told her mom and dad are going there.
its.... not any good news i figured.

i m really sleepy when i just got up but now i just... dont feel great.
especially today is dad's bday. it just i dont know..
i guess we might need to cancel everything now.
i m waiting for mom's call now..


what about my honey? i miss him..

>>May 21, 2011 at 9:17:40 PM GMT+8