2011 年 1 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

i..... am very tired.
i slept on the train even when i was standing.

i finally bought coffee. yes, i have been to different stores for more than 3 times in the past
few days when i was shopping for honey.. but i'd never remember i had finished all the
coffee at home. haha.. so, the past few days i have been buying several cups of coffee
everyday, not the starbucks ones, just from some cafe or mcdonalds. better than nothing,
coz i cant wake up. my mind are all messed up in the morning.

then yea.. some guy was hitting on me when i was taking a walk yesterday.
i was walking along the mid level long escalator. that guy came say hi. i said hi, it's just
like some automatic response i have been trained at work. whenever whoever approaches
me i have to greet them with nice smile. then he said a bunch of stuffs like i m pretty and
cute things like that. he asked me where i'm from, i told him hong kong then i walked away.
then he said oh really, i didnt let him finished then i kept walking away.

anyway, i was thinking to go home or just go for a walk first.. i need to breath. i need to
relax... then i also need a hair cut.. there are lots of things i wanna do, but... i m too tired..
so i called to see if i can make some appointment.. he was fully booked, then i thought
maybe just go home coz i m really tired. but then Michael called back, he said someone
canceled, so i could take that slot. i finally cut my hair. i dont like it though. i dont like it,
just dont like it.

i was talking with honey today... of course i worry about him... but.... there's nothing
much i can do. of course i dont want him to suffer, but... i cant change anything for him.
if he doesnt feel comfortable, then i gotta respect him. maybe what i can do is... just........
act normal, maybe find something to cheer him up? i know where i should go.

i hope he'll get well soon.. i really hope that he would get well soon.

his situation makes me think of my stay in Van last year. i was so desperate, so poor,
and didnt want any help from my family or him... i wasnt making much money, didnt really
have budget for food or the expenses till i got help. then i was alone most of the time..
i enjoyed going to the library and hanging in the park when i was sad. that's pretty much
what i could do... the worst for me as in money wise was i could only use CAD 2 or 2.5
each day for food. so, if i buy some bread which costs ard CAD 4 when it's on sale,
then the bread could be my prime meal for a few days. fruits and bread... sometimes
eating banana chips could be a meal. the better one is the banana peanut butter sandwich.
it was my fav. if i m really craving for hot meal, then i might make instant noodles or
pasta. pasta was like a very nice treat when i was that poor. rice was like the super
nice treat. a plate of plain rice with oyster sauce and soy sauce with some black pepper.
it would make me feel so good especially when i was missing chinese food.
i consume lots of sugar actually... when i felt bad or upset or lonely, i ate lots of sugary
food. marshmallow, chocolates, cookies, muffins, bread, i ate loads of them.
i didnt really have much friends there... most likely i only met up with Cyn or sometimes
with my aunt, only 3 times in my entire stay there.

sometimes i would cry, i do... sometimes i miss my family and friends so much...
sometimes i would use webcam to chat with my best friends in HK or chat with Cyn..
but i dont regret staying there last year, and in fact i still prefer to be with him.
i do question myself why... but maybe i m just that weird.

i should go to bed..
i hope he would get better soon.

>>January 21, 2011 at 4:46:26 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

:(

:(

:(

hummm.... :(
he's laughing coz i m jealous.

well, at least he laughs.

but... i m not very happy when i heard where she stays now..
maybe it doesnt really matter to him, but for me as a girl.... staying with the guy's family,
that one of the hugest things. no wonder she enjoys it so much. i dont think he didnt
expect that. he might have his reasons, but i m sure he knows i m not gonna like it.
if i didnt ask him about her, he wouldnt even tell me, would he?

if you cant change the situation then you's need to change yourself to make adjustment,...
to stay in mind, to stay balance. when you sense you're in danger, it's either fight or flight.
if you always stay in between, always alert, you're gonna be so tired, drained. sensitive
and defensive. if you are off guard, then you might get attacked. but yea... depends on...
who's next to you... if that person you can count on if that person you trust.

i dont understand why he would say he doesnt care, coz obviously he does.
as a friend or whatever, he cares. but i guess he couldnt admit that to me.
and so when i heard his joke, i couldnt laugh. my first reaction was no, no, and no.
if it's true, i'd step out of it. for me, if my bf is in love with another person, i wont be able
to accept it. coz i m not gonna be able to survive. i know myself very well about it..
i cant accept ppl lying to me. i can sense it. whoever has ever lied to me, i'd never
trust that person again. if the person i love lies to me, i'd not be able to recover.
my life would be upside down, i m gonna be falling apart. i m pushing myself to accept
all the things i've not expected or seen before. and if i m cheated, i m gonna hate that
person so much, coz the pain is gonna last too long, is gonna be bugging me every
min everyday. i wont be able to live normal again. when i m being so angry or acting so
defensive which i normally dont, coz it hits the weakest side of me, and i cant
protect myself anymore and no one protects me as well. i m like the shell-fish sometimes.

i remember when i first returned to hk, a few months ago... i always reminded myself
that.... i need to come back to HK, i'd be back to my home town, and i 'd have to work
so hard and i wont let him down. i still do remember this, and so i work so hard, always
remind myself to be careful, i need to grow up... coz i wont let him down. coz... i cant
be his burden, coz i wanna be a better person for him. coz when he needs me,
i could be there for him.

but then once i was gone, she moved in. whatever reasons there were, the fact is...
she did move in. then it matched what i heard another day when they were talking
loudly outside and i was in my room. i chose not to believe in what i heard and saw.
then now you told me where she stays now... and she's coming back to Japan not
Taiwan anymore... then.. what do you expect for my reaction?

today i told him... if he wanted her more then he could take her.
this is not what i want to happen, but if he does, i wont say anything. i would just leave.
coz i wont be able to stay in between... i'm too weak to survive.
i cant live without him either.. but it seems like if they do get together and things would get
better, then i should leave. if i m gonna lose my mind, i rather not let him see it.

Cas, go to bed...
you're thinking too much..
if he doesnt choose you in the end, it's gonna be his lost, ok?
and you should trust him anyway.

you only have ard 3 hrs sleep now.. again, 3 nights in a row. what the hell..

>>January 20, 2011 at 5:55:02 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 18 日 星期二 【晴】

i cried myself to sleep last night..
i went to bed before 1 but i think i fell asleep ard 2 sth... then i got up ard 5 this morning..

worked from 8 am today till 5 pm..
the first 2 hrs were tiring, standing at the lobby greeting ppl and holding lift..
then typing report... then back to the concierge at the mall... i looked so terrible today.
*My and *J asked me what happened to me. i didnt say much, i just told them i m not
feeling well and i have lots on my mind right now. *F and *J are closer with me,
i told them i m okay just have lots on my mind, and they understand.
the chinese new year promotion starts today... so, got the promotion desk set and
i got 2 hrs there today. it's okay.... just gotta be very careful.

after work, i didnt go anywhere actually... i took bus, but stuck in the traffic jam..
it should take ard 50 mins only but it was like 1.5 hr... i was sleeping on the bus.
i was too tired. then back to Tai Po... did a bit more shopping today. i went to the
drug store and M&S yesterday, M&S got big sales for CNY, so i got some food for
honey. then i went to the store when i was back to Tai Po.. i bought more food for
honey. hee.. i dont know why it becomes a hobby of mine now.. shopping for him,
sending him stuffs become my regular hobby. i enjoy it. not like i m all happy and
cray shopping, but i just like to walk around, and when i see something i think of
him. then once in a while, i just wanna get them all.. i dont even have a list, i just
think of them again and think about him, what he might like, what he might be surprised,
then i just wanna get them all. i probably shouldnt spoil him, but if you do find someone
you wanna spoil, then.... i think it's kind of nice in a good way... but of course you
are not spoiling him to make him become bad. you know what's good for him what's
probably not. so if you can take the balance, then... it shouldnt be a bad thing.
i just wanna baby him sometimes.. not like baby-talking to him, but... like... take care of
him, serve him, things like that. its not only about me though, it also depends on him..
i really miss him so much so much.

i tried not to cry when i was on the way to work, coz if i cry my make up like my mascara
was gonna melt.. but when i was in a shower just now i just cried.

i talked with him more today. and i heard what happened.. i was just... i didnt wanna tell
him how sad i felt, and i probably shouldnt reveal too much that might make him worry.
i dont wanna add more stress on him now. i wish i really wish that i didnt spend that
money at the gym, i wish i could have more income so that i could just help him with
his problem this time. i wish i could have convinced him to take the money to get his stuffs.
those stuffs mean so much to him and i just.... dont want him to lose them.

i m going to the post office tmr at lunch..
i wanna send him those stuffs first.

i should go to bed.... 8 to 5 again tomorrow.

>>January 19, 2011 at 5:47:05 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

why is life so hard?
is it coz its tough, so that ppl wont easily lose their lives or ppl might give up easier?
as far as i know, what i'm seeing is.... lots of ppl are spoiled that dont deserve the good
quality of life, and some ppl are working so hard like so hard to gain a little more but they
never get the chances or the equal status or wealth in their life. some of them survive,
some of them dont. lots of ppl suffer, and lots of ppl suffer coz of the rich ppl.
why is this world so unfair? while the nice ppl smart ppl understand what tough life means,
then the others get all the goodness with little efforts. does it call good luck and bad luck?

brb..
wish i could finish work earlier today..




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




i cant leave him coz i dont want to leave. not coz i wanna prove anything, there's nothing
i wanna prove and i have no one to prove to. coz if he's gone, then my life would also be
finished. i wont be able to live a life without him, as in..... i wont be able to accept that i'd have
to face our everything by myself, all the things, memory, hopes, secrets we share would
be like... gone. and i wont be able to accept the person i love giving up his life or just leave
me like that. i would blame myself and i wont be able to face all these. i wont be able to bare
the lost. even if i wont kill myself, but i can picture myself living in depression everyday
then eventually dying from that. i would blame myself and blame him how he could be so
selfish to let all the ppl being so sad for him. why he would think that's the right way to solve
problems. the ppl who are still living have to bare the lost and grief. and forever till the day
i die, i would still have these with me, have to deal with these alone.

i hope he's not serious, otherwise.... its like.... i dont know what to say.

i wanna help more but he doesnt let me. i respect him. he's always like my hero, i'd never
changed. but at certain time, we all need some little help. i m not only his gf, i could be his
best friend, i could be his mate, i could be a different role when he needs me to. all the
smart ppl they are not always smart. strong ppl all have weakness. why? coz we are
only human, no matter you're guy or girl. we are just human.

i m so tired... my eyes hurt a lot.. i should go to bed and i hope i have good sleep..
i wish him well, i really really do..

>>January 18, 2011 at 4:21:59 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 16 日 星期日 【晴】

:( i m off today..

i slept till 1 sth pm... but then... i got up from a huge nightmare.
i dreamed that i got my dream job then on the first day i was late due to a chain of
stupid accidents, and my friend ditched on me. then i ran to honey's home but he
kicked me out. i saw someone else inside, and both of them ignored me, then he kicked
me out and told me to fuck off. they were packing and moving. i was outside crying and
asking why. then i screamed and then i woke up. it was one of the biggest nightmares
i ever had.

i m not feeling well, i m having headache and wanna puke..
i had lunch with my parents today, then met up with Ivy. we had coffee at the pacific
coffee company. it was alright.. saw some cute baby and we were talking about
things happening lately. i told her i m going to japan. then we also walked around.
she did some shopping, i didnt buy anything. but then i bought some memo tags from the
book store. i checked about the laptop as well. i think i m gonna buy it next week.
Ivy said i seem different now, since i have my new job. she sees some good changes
in me. she thinks i get more mature now.

i m gonna have the morning shift the whole week. i need to do some shopping actually.
i need to go to different places everyday i think.. so busy.
i need to get my stuffs organised as well. then yea, the online store i m working on..
i need to put more effort in it.

i saw honey yesterday before work. i feel good to see him. but he lost weight...
i m happy to see him :) really happy to see him. i dont knwo why he's always frown.
i know why, but... yea... anyway.. i havent seen him since the end of Aug, i feel like it's
been forever already. i miss him so much. i dont know if he feels the same.

i also saw Ayako too. they really are pretty close. sometimes i do wonder if they are like
a family or.... there are something i dont know yet. i dont wanna think about that right now.

i wanna make more money, i think i should work on the website more.
and both of my sisters are always arguing with me for different things.

i should go to bed.. my headache is bugging me..

>>January 17, 2011 at 4:58:58 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 15 日 星期六 【晴】

i saw honey today. hee.

>>January 16, 2011 at 5:44:54 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

i m tired as usual, stressed about the traffic and at work..
but work is okay, still acceptable. it's just a job anyway. i just dont feel comfortable that
i have to deal with so many rude ppl and bitches all the time.. then after work i still need to
deal with those inconsiderate ppl. we just have too many of them and i m so sick of them.
i m really sick and tired of the traffic. its just horrible.

Queenie came to see me today, but i ignored her in the end. i was quite pissed off actually.
i hate ppl treating me like that. i hate it, i really hate it.
i was bitching to honey about that today too.. i dont know... if ppl are gonna take me for
granted when i m being nice to them, i rather just step back and push those ppl away.
i wont go against them, but i might ask them to fuck off. i hate ppl lying to me. i hate ppl
playing trick on me. i wont let them hurt me. well actually they already did before i shut them
down from me. i dont know.

i saw *L today. he's still sick.. *My called in sick as well..
i m not feeling well. my throat is sore.. then, *L told me why he got sick, coz he was staying out
late in rain for his girl who wasnt really his real girlfriend. i was laughing at him. in the end he
still couldnt get her and he's giving up, he said it's not worth it. i asked him if he wanted her
for THAT or more. he said he didnt want to pursue more from her, so only for THAT. then
he said he thought he's not getting any luck so dont waste time. i asked him why, i thought
he wanted more other than THAT, then he said no... he cared about his gf more. he didnt
love that girl, he chose his gf when it came to love. i smiled. well, i didnt know what to say.

i m going to bed.
i hate it when i m angry.

i got some weird dreams lately... and i seriously need more day off..



>>January 15, 2011 at 5:31:42 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

i got a fight with my family this morning.
i was in a very bad mood the whole day.
not only coz of my family, i wasnt in a good mood these days anyway.
i didnt wanna come home tonight.

i cried when i was going to work and after work.
i cant break down now. i dont wanna break myself right now.

brb.. need a shower..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i m pretty stressed from work and the traffic..
then my family is giving me headache, especially my sis, almost everyday.
its like i m stressed when i got up, when i was on the way to work, at work and after work..
when i got home, i got the same problems. i m like.... i just wanna be alone sometimes.
then my heart isnt here. i m thinking of tonz of things..
sometimes i wonder if he's not ard me anymore then maybe i would die after him.

i hope when i get up everything would be fine.
i know it wont happen coz it's not real.
but i have to believe in myself that i would survive these.
i cant break at this moment. i cant. coz if i do, it might affect him a lot..

>>January 13, 2011 at 5:39:30 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 11 日 星期二 【晴】

i m very tired..

i dont know why my knees hurt so much today..
i got my uniform already but didnt have time to try... so perhaps tomorrow go to work earlier,
then i could try. i m gonna say bye to my old uniform. but then, hopefully my uniform still fits
me, coz i dont wanna see myself getting bigger each day.

i m not feeling well but still okay, nothing like catching a cold or something, but sometimes
i feel like to puke, not coz i ate too much or anything. i only had a banana this morning
before work. then i had a giant cup of coffee at work, then i felt like to puke sometimes..
in the evening ard 5 pm i had a big bowl of congee and a piece of banana walnut bread.
then came home ard 11 30, i was really hungry, so i had my regular dinner, mom save
some food for me. i worry i gained too much weight actually..

anyway, i really miss my honey.. i really really really want to see him..
i dont want to wait till March, i dont want to wait. now it's Jan only, i wanna fly over next
week but i cant. i wanna just get a ticket then go over to see him. i really do.
i wonder if i work at Cathay even as the ground staff, i could get much more chances
flying there to see him, i have much more holidays and time to be with him and my family.
i really just wanna stay with him, can i ? does he want the same too?

>>January 12, 2011 at 6:02:52 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 10 日 星期一 【晴】

i m off today.. i woke up ard 2 pm i think...
i got ard 12 hrs sleep. it was alright, didnt feel i have slept for that long.

i went out with my parents today... had lunch and did some shopping for dinner.
came home then working on the site and some doc for my aunt..
kind of tired.. but then tomorrow i need to go to work again. :(

*J (Joyce) mesged me today that our new uniform is here already :) heehee.
i m so happy! yay, my uniform is here now. by the way, i have attended the make up workshop
yesterday. yesterday i worked from 8am to 5pm. i stood at the office lobby to hold the lifts
for those tenants till 9 20 am, then sitting at the reception of the lobby. then down to the
concierge, then lunch and different locations again, then waited till 3 30, i got my workshop.
it took 1.5 hrs, paid by the company. but i dont like the look they put on me. and i got allergy
afterward. my lips are swollen now, coz of the lipgloss they put on me... after it's done,
then i was ready to go.

after work, i met up with mom to visit grandpa.. grandpa could go home, so we picked him
up with aunts..

Queenie and her friend Phil have been messaging me. i asked Queenie if she's talking with
Phil, then she said no. but then everytime when Queenie mesg me, Phil would mesg me too.
when Phl mesg me, then Queenie would also mesg me. i start replying less and slowly.
coz........ i dont know, i have too much on my mind right now that i dont want any trouble
or ques.

i miss honey, i told the girls at work.

anyway, tmr... and the whole week... i need to work from 1 to 10. hummmm..
i will go pick up a gift from the bank tomorrow, then go to work. i m thinking to make lunch
for tomorrow. i always have congee from the chinese cafe downstairs at the airport express
station. but then tmr i wanna go for fruity stuffs. another day i had cookies and smoothies.
tmr, i might bring some oatmeal.. humm maybe some banana, dried cranberry, cinnamon,
honey, and blueberry, with oatmeal. ... making my own energy bar if i have time.

i m still feeling sick.
i miss him... how's he now... why doesnt he reply my mesg?

>>January 11, 2011 at 5:35:40 PM GMT+8