2011 年 4 月 5 日 星期二 【晴】

i've thought of lots of things last night..
i couldnt sleep. i cried. i got up again and came on line, then went back to bed..
i couldnt sleep. when i closed my eyes, i just thought of the days in vancouver last year.
i thought of the peacefulness there, i thought of the loneliness, but most likely, i was alright.
i liked the feeling when i was with him. when he was next to me, everything became alright.
i dont need to talk too much, i could be calm and relaxed, i would feel safe and secure.
yea i was scared of him somehow, but at the same time, i felt something different,
something special which i couldnt find with another person. i miss that touch of senses.
i miss him. and i cried. i miss the days in Van too, when everything was slower and
more peaceful there. when things were more beautiful and less noisy. when things could
go easier and simpler, most important thing is... i know at the end of the day, he would be
next to me. before we slept, we could see each others and spent time together.
i miss him.. and i miss living with him. for all the good and bad things happened, still,
i miss him so much.. and i always want to be with him, live with him again.
but i also thought of the trip at japan last month, things seemed changing lots, and i started
to wonder all the changes might be telling me he no longer needs me there now.
the situation makes me worry, not only about us but about him. i worry about him and
worry about japan might not be safe or good for him there. at least the business couldnt
start right now, and about the jobs and food that just concern me lots. its not about me,
its about him.

i have thought about... offering him my place if he needs at the end, in case.
i dont know... and i have been thinking of ways to make more money.

i m so tired today...and i 'm feeling sick.
today, i met up with Shan for breakfast, then went to work.
i was almost late, coz... i was at Zara waiting at the cashier. i should have enough time before
work, so i went to the men section, and i picked a t-shirt for him. but the lady in front of me
took so long with her purchases. so.... at the end i was almost late at work.

work was okay, nothing much. got talked with the manager today. i was working with *H today.
nothing happened. he wasnt as worse.

i have been checking the supplements online, couldnt buy it from amazon. they dont ship
it to hk or japan. their shipping list didnt say it, but once i wanted to place my order then
they stopped me. i tried almost every item, same stuffs offered by different reseller accts,
none allowed to ship it to hk or japan. pissing me off. then now i m trying to find other
smaller online store where it sells.

i havent talked with him for 2 days already... dont know how he is.
i m worried, i have been thinking if there's any ways i could make fast money.
i need to make more money, i have thought about that old website business.
but im not sure how it's gonna work. its something i really cant or hate to do, but... i dont know.

i miss him... what should i do?




>>April 6, 2011 at 6:26:46 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 4 日 星期一 【晴】

hi...

i think i should go to the doctor again and take medicine.

before work, i dropped by the McCafe, then i used only hkd 2 to get a medium size coffee.
i went to the counter and order a coffee, that guy recognized me as the staff at my
work place. i always helped them to get free parking. then he said dont need that much
money, he asked me to give him HKD 2, i thought i heard it wrong, so i gave him
HKD 20, then he really only took 2 dollars. i was like wow, thanks...

it was nothing much at work today, tried to just do my job and it wasnt too busy.
i didnt need to stay alone for long. the worst is i need to deal with my hormone changes.
i always feel hungry when i dont need to eat. i m easily hungry and i crave for sugar
or starchy food. but its not good, especially i drink coffee..

''Fatty fast food and coffee make a damaging combination'' -- Vancouver Sun

Read more: http://www.vancouversun.com/health/Fatty+fast+food+coffee+make+damaging+combination/4559338/story.html#ixzz1IfWVZC8p


anyway....
i m still searching for the supplement in different stores ard work today during lunch break.
i also went to Marks & Spencer to see if there're any nice t-shirts. i also went to
different stores as well. i was planning to go to the bank this afternoon during lunch time.
but today was the public holiday, so... bank was closed. i need to go talk with them
about my credit card.

i miss him. we talked last night. i said to him i loved him.
he said he loved me too. to be honest, i dont want to give him any pressure, especially
right now. i dont know what i can do for him, and i always think of him.
i dont want to say goodbye to him. and i worry about him.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



the part 2 of the song:

我知道相愛原本就不容易 愛不是1加1 努力就有結局
i know love is never easy. its not like a formula, not always could get the answer as
easy as 1 + 1.

撒嬌的 可愛的 黏人的 愛哭的 照片裡 曾經的都是愛著你的
臉頰的淚還溫熱 卻沒有人握我的手
jealousy, sweetness, cuteness, tears, you can see all the evidence of love in our pics.
the tears on my face is still warm, but you're not longer holding my hands now.

你說我愛你太多 就快要把你淹沒 你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落
分開是一種解脫 讓你好好的想過 我想要的那片天空 你是不是能夠給我
you said i loved you too much, you are suffocating and sinking.
you worry love wouldnt last long. leaving me would set you free, you could reconsider
if you could give me our future.

你說我給你太多 卻不能給我什麼 分不清激情 承諾 永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛 沉默是我最後溫柔 是因為我太愛你
you said i gave in too much, but you couldnt give me anything.
you couldnt tell if we were just lust or promise, if we would last or be always confused.
our love hurt us, and it stays as the wound. if silence is the only thing i could give you,
that only coz i love you too much.




>>April 5, 2011 at 4:57:22 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 3 日 星期日 【晴】

can my day off last longer?

you can say i m lazy, but i m just loyal to myself. i dont like my job, i dont want to go to work.
maybe there're lots of good things about my job that i couldnt see right now,
but to be honest, my work place is like my second home. i spend so long time there,
when i m not home then i must be there. my teammates are the ppl i spend the longest
time with other than my family. how can i live my life with the ppl or place i dont like?
not like i hate them or anything, but they are not like just the ppl passing by everyday.
there are stories with each person, and somehow its just so tiring to care what's going on.
coz... i have my own problems to deal with.

i went to the cemetery with my parents today. nothing much...
then i drop by the store, they want me to fill more stock. i will arrange that tmr.
i m so tired when i got home. i m searching info on line about the supplements.
i think i would buy them on line.






只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡 夢想中　屬於我們的婚禮 卻成了　單人結婚進行曲
在這場愛情腳裡的拔河裡　愛我還是愛你 你選擇了自己
what we used to dream of now its gone. you left, i stayed.
while you had to choose between you and me, you chose yourself.
you love yourself more than me.

撒嬌的　可愛的　女人的　愛哭的
照片裡　曾經的都是你喜歡的
you can find all the faces in the pictures, they all used to be your fav.

如今我還在原地　你卻走回你的記憶 你說我愛你太多　就快要把你淹沒
你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落 分開是一種解脫　讓你好好的想我
我想要的那片天空　你是不是能夠給我
i m still here, but you go back to your memory. you told me i loved you too much,
you were suffocated. you worried it would never be good, coz love would fade in a min.
you said separating 'd be the best way to let you to miss me more.
what about the things i wanted? could you give me what i need too?

你說我給你太多　卻不能給我什麼 分不清激情承諾永恒或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口 我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔 是因為我太愛你
you said i gave you too much, but you cant give me nothing.
you couldnt tell if we were in lust, promise, forever, or lost.
our love is the wound, it's our wound.
silence is the last gift i have for you, the gentle sense of touch, coz i really love you.

>>April 4, 2011 at 3:41:09 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 2 日 星期六 【晴】

hello...

i m so exhausted. i m still having pain in my throat, and i started coughing more.
its so boring at work this morning. i was opening the s counter, i stayed there for 3 hrs alone
this morning... then typing report for an hr, then had lunch, and back to the counter.
but at the n counter, it was really busy there. after work, met up with Miki,
then went to the drug stores again, then back to tai po had dinner with my family.

tmr i m finally off, but going out with my parents, need to go to the cemetery.
i'll drop by the store to fill some stock, then go checking at some health care shop.

i'm so tired...

i saw *H at work today, i sorted of talk with him about yesterday. i m not sure if it was him,
but anyway now he should know i knew something was wrong and i m not gonna let
it happen again. if it was him, then he would get my mesg, if it wasnt him then he d not
understand. of course i m not happy working with him today. i just pay extra attention.
then *Rn was late to return after break, i wanted to leave on time but i knew i couldnt.
i had to wait till *Rn back then i could go, or i left him there alone, and even though i dont
like him i wouldnt do that. but i didnt expect him asking me to stay longer after *Rn's
back. he said like he wanted to go to washroom, so he wanted me to stay with *Rn
then he could go. i told him no, i was in a rush. he shouldnt do that. he could have gone
to the washroom before coming to the counter, he got plenty of time at the office before.
and the thing is, how did i know how long he's gonna need at the washroom.
i asked him today... he said he's hungry. i told him he could have eaten something
during his hrs at the office. we all did it. he said no, he wanted to concentrate on his reports.
BS. dont fucking BS me. i told him he could still eat while doing the report. then he said
no, he liked real meal. yea right, BS. i confronted him that so he's not gonna eat anything
even if he's really starving, coz i always saw him eating our snack at the office. then he
changed, he was like oh then yea i would but i just didnt like it. yea right, dont try to fool me.
he was the one finishing the snack there and eating my food last time. yea yea yea. he just
didnt want to get his own food. and it's like, yea concentrate on his work. he asked me
if i have seen him lacking off at the office. sure, who fucking knows? i told him i dont know,
if he needed to eat, he could, coz *Me did the same, we all did the same, working and
eating at the same time. and dont try to act like so innocent. he was sneaking out to
smoke, he's answering private phone calls on his cell phone at the counter. i hate ppl
like that. dont lie to your teammates about things so obvious. it's just sick.

anyway.. i dont know what to do with my job, with myself, with honey.... i m going to bed first.

>>April 3, 2011 at 4:49:06 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 1 日 星期五 【晴】

:(

i hate going to work. i dont like my job.
i used to think i'd like to do customer service, coz i could help ppl.
but these days, ppl arent seeking help, they are seeking chances to fulfill their greed.
and it just provides them wonderful ways to show off and acting like bitches and assholes.
not everyone is like that, but most of the local hk ppl are like that, almost 90%.
then, tourists are usually nice and polite, like 98%. it's just ridiculous how rude and
arrogant hk ppl are. i was born here and i live here and i cant stand them. why?
coz they are idiots. i m sick of them and tired of them.

my co-workers are.... i dont know... some of them are just fake. fake. fake.
something happened today again, and i really started to wonder if it was *H playing revenge.
i dont want to think in this way, but i cant, like... it just made me to connect all the incidents
together. i m so tired. i m tired.

after work, i was all happy to go around different drug stores and pharmacies to check
some supplements for honey, but then... i went to 5 or 6 places but they didnt have it.
then i got the called from *Me, and she was asking me things at work, and at that moment
i couldnt remember all of them. then i called *C and i started to recall what happened,
then i realized i didnt do anything wrong. but then yea, of course i was the one needed
to be responsible for that. i was unhappy, really just ruined the rest of my night.
its like i cant relax now. and tmr i need to talk with *Me and *H, and probably had to talk
with the others about that. and i hate dealing things like that. i dont like to fake things up.
i dont feel comfortable working here actually as in.... so tiny little things could get me into
trouble anytime. and it's just ridiculous sometimes we got shouted or scolded by the
unreasonable customers but nothing much we could do. and ppl are just dumb and
greedy. most of the time ppl started shouting or complaining, like 90% coz they are
trying to take adv on us and they couldnt get it, then they started to bark. and these ppl
are those either well educated or very lucky to be so fucking rich or have a really good
job position. its like, its so unfair. if they are well educated, they shouldnt act in this way,
if they are that lucky they have no rights to bully the others.

anyway, i came home, i m quite upset.
i talked with honey for awhile, then i had dinner. but i m still not relaxed.
i have the early shift tmr again.

i m worried about him there actually.
what should i do?

>>April 3, 2011 at 4:21:52 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 31 日 星期四 【晴】

i m quite sick today..
i m coughing more often than before although i have taken medicine.

i feel bad to go to work but i have to.
it was so boring, and i wasnt feeling well.

today is Miki's birthday. but since i'm back to work, i m back to the bad mood again.
i really start to hate going to work. i know i need to make up my mind, but its juat hard.
i need to adjust myself when i got to work. and the time i spend on the traffic is just
really tiring. i m so exhausted. if i cant change the situation then i could only change
myself.

i miss him and i need him.

sometimes i do wonder what if we could go back to the past, would we be able to change
anything in time to make a better life for now? i know we couldnt regret, or look back,
coz we cannot go back to the past. we cannot. you could regret but it would only drain
you. so life must go on. and thats why i m so tired. coz life must go on, even though i might
not know where to go or who to trust. the worst is, i cant blame anyone or anything.
i dont have anything to regret but i just dont know how to make things better..

i should be patient, yea?











>>March 31, 2011 at 5:16:35 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 29 日 星期二 【晴】

i didnt go to work today.
i called sick, i was sick.

i got some weird nightmares this morning...
i dreamt that the flood came to tai po, and the houses were meshed down.
some house floated and was coming to us. we stayed in. i woke up realized it was a dream
i went back to sleep and the dreamt continued. i woke up 3 times, it happened 3 times.
then i got another weird dream about work. i dreamt i got shouted by *K the main person
at our office. WTH..........

i have been feeling unwell since a few days ago, so i just took another sick leave and
went to the doctor again. damn. i m happy for the extra day off, but i know i shouldnt take
too much day off.

anyway, i chatted with honey last night and this morning..
i dont know what i can do. i dont know what i should do..

then, yesterday, *M saw *H preparing a resigning letter at the office.
so, *H might resign too. well, i dont know what to say. i dont get along with him well, but
that doesnt mean i want him to be unhappy enough to leave. i know the manager doesnt
like him, i know we dont really like his style, but after work, he's an okay person to
hang out with, although i dont really like him and his style, but he'd never really done
anything super harmful to me.. so... if he left coz he's not happy working here, then
more or less i'm one of the bitches who have been giving him shits, not behind him but
right in front of his face. i dont do shitty thing behind ppl, if i m really pissed off, i just show
it on face or tell the person directly instead of planning revenge. i dont know if he should
be happy about that though... but if he really's gonna resign, then perhaps we could talk
about it if he wants.

i'm worried about my honey, but i dont know what i can do..
after the package sent, i kindda think i should send him clothes or other things instead.
i dont know... but after chatting with him this morning, it just kinnda ... not freak me out
but, i dont know what to say. and i dont know what to do. i just think there must be other
ways to go, i just dont understand why that way. i thought ppl would go for easy ways,
i dont know maybe he thinks it's easier?

choices between being less miserable or the way seem slightly easier but with higher risk.
i dont know, for me, both are difficult. but if i'd need to choose, i'd choose to bare less
risk.. coz.... if i cant bare more right now, how do i know if it'd be okay in future?
it's his choice.... it just concerns me a lot coz i do care about him.







>>March 30, 2011 at 10:22:16 AM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 27 日 星期日 【晴】

he's home =)


i m off today, but i didnt sleep crazy like i used to..
i got up ard 11 30 am, not even after 12. i came checking mails, then i saw his email.
he's home. yay. i chatted with him for a few mins, then... i was heading out.
i wanted to go for a walk, but then ended up having lunch with my family and some relatives.
dad drove to Ma On Shan, i saw grandpa too.. he didnt look good... :( but he was happy
to see us. then after that, we went back to Tai Po. we did some shopping for dinner,
then i walked ard alone, then i did lots of shopping for him. hummmmm...
i wondered i might buy too much stuffs, but actually i got a list and i didnt get everything
on the list. i guess i have got stuffs that he might not need or need, i dont know.
i just know that's the only thing i can do for him, so... yea... and then i m going to the
post office tmr. hopefully it's fine, coz if its sending by fedex it would be much more expensive.
of course i rather spend the budget on the stuffs than on the postage fee.

tmr.... i need to go back to work...
i m wondering if i m getting sicker, then i d take a sick leave..

i've been having problems charging battery on my tiny ipod. i have to use my old laptop
to update songs and for the battery charging. it just doesnt connect with my mac here.
i dont know why...

then i still i have a list of things to do....
i have to call the bank for my credit card, then i need to fix the computer..
i need to drop by the store i m renting the space for selling things.
then i need to organize my stuffs.. i need to update my resume, i need to apply to Cathay.
if i m not picked, then i m gonna apply for the first-aid courses and some language courses.
i need to start paying my student loan in summer so i need to start saving up for that.
then i need to pay my phone bill, which i always forget. and i need to prepare lunch
and breakfasts everyday. i need to take the uniform to the laundry room, and take the
clean ones out and i hate going there. i need to fill in a few insurance forms for my
medical card at work. i need to contact HR office for some admin stuffs..

bust most importantly, i need to drop by the drug store again to get the medicine
then go to the post office before work..
i need to write a few notes as well. hummmmmm...

i kindda feel weird with the guys at work. not *H or *L.
coz i dont get along with *H anyway and i kindda dislike working with him.
*L is okay and he knows i m not interested. so we're cool. but there are some weird
guys i m not comfortable with. the married ones, and the minorities.
for the married ones, i just pretend stupid not giving much response. for the minorities,
i know they are nice but they are not my type, coz i m not into their races.
i dont want to be like discriminating them even just be friends. i m friendly enough to
them, nice enough to them at work, but after work or in private, i know i cant quite
get into their cultures or behaviors whatever what i m seeing every sundays in hk.
so even just be friends would be difficult to me. that guy was so nice, i have my own
pass to get using the lift at the tower after 8 pm or on weekend. he has his position
and he doesnt need to use his card to help me with the access. but everytime he sees
me he would greet me and follow me to hold the lift and do the access for me. i told
him no, i have my own card its okay, but he would just smiling and follow me. to me,
its just..... hummm thanks but i dont need it. the other ones just kept asking questions
when he saw me. but i m not interested in them, and i dont get along with them even
for friends. my life is busy enough for me to get myself organized, i dont have time
or energy to deal with new life challenges with new ppl i dont wanna know.

i just know i miss honey and i wish i could be close to him. and i wish he wants to be
close to me too. i wish everything is fine there, ppl are fine there, the nation is fine there.








>>March 28, 2011 at 5:35:34 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 26 日 星期六 【晴】

i m .... very tired... really really tired..

im ... sick and tired at work. i didnt want to get up to go to work today, but i had to.
i just wanted to stay home and stay home.

i tried to make some changes, i tried to sleep earlier or rest more..
i tried to take things slow and not to care too much stuffs.
i wanna do things that i like to do, i wanna ... be there with him.
do you think he might want the same too?
when is he coming back to me?




'love, its like the wind, i cant see it but i can feel it.
maybe He has better plan for me than i have for myself.
what if, what if this journey never ends, then i'll never met you.
He sends you to help me through it, so i'm not alone. '




''Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.''

what should i do if i wanna love my life? what if i wanna love myself more?
i wanna love the ppl ard me, i wanna love him right. how am i gonna be able to do all that?
what is life for? for me to..... do what i wanna do? do something meaningful?
i want to experience the world. see things i havent seen before, never felt before,
at least before i die or before this world end. before i have to say bye to everyone i love.




a few of my fav parts in The Black Swan..
ends up Nina and Lily had some hot scene...
so.... if the person has tried living both the white one and the black one,
what would she choose? or she wouldnt have the chance to choose after that?


Thomas Leroy: We all know the story. Virginal girl, pure and sweet, trapped in the body of a swan. She desires freedom, but only true love can break the spell. Her wish is nearly granted in the form of a prince. But before he can declare his love, her lustful twin, the Black Swan, tricks and seduces him. Devastated the White Swan leaps off a cliff, killing herself and in death finds freedom.

[just as Nina is about to leave walk out the door he closes the door stopping her]
Thomas Leroy: That's it? You're not going to try and change my mind? You must have thought it was possible. Otherwise, what are you doing here all dolled up?
Nina Sayers: I came to ask for the part.
Thomas Leroy: Well, the truth is, when I look at you, all I see is the White Swan. Yes, you're beautiful, fearful, fragile. Ideal casting. But the Black Swan, it's a hard fucking job to dance both.
Nina Sayers: I can dance the Black Swan too.
Thomas Leroy: Really? In four years, every time you dance, I see you obsess, getting each and every move perfectly right. But I never see you lose yourself. Ever. All the discipline, for what?
Nina Sayers: [quietly] I just want to be perfect.
Thomas Leroy: You what?
Nina Sayers: I wanna be perfect.


Thomas Leroy: Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go. Surprise yourself so you can surprise the audience. Transcendence. And very few have it in them.
Nina Sayers: I think I do have it in me...
[suddenly he kisses her hard and then jerks away in pain]
Thomas Leroy: Aahh! You bit me! I cannot...I can't believe you bit me!
Nina Sayers: I'm sorry.
[she opens his office door and walks out]
Thomas Leroy: Now, that fucking hurt!
...

[Thomas follows Nina, instructing her as she's rehearsing dancing with her partner]
Thomas Leroy: And...come on! Forget about control, Nina! I wanna see passion! Come on! Reach! Board, you're stiff! Stiff like a dead corpse! Let it go! Let it go! Let it go! And...again.


[Thomas watches Nina and her partner finish another rehearsal dance]
Thomas Leroy: David, can I ask you a question? Honestly, would you fuck that girl?
[David doesn't answer he just snickers]
Thomas Leroy: No. No one would. Nina, you're dancing is just as frigid.
[suddenly the lights go out in the studio]


[Thomas is dancing with Nina in the rehearsal studio, he runs his hands seductively on her upper thigh]
Thomas Leroy: Feel my touch, respond to it. Come on.
[he then goes to kiss her but she pushes him away, but he grabs her again and kisses her]
Thomas Leroy: Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Open it. Open it!
[she opens her mouth and he kisses her passionately]
Thomas Leroy: Open it.
[he continues to kiss and touch her heatedly, running his hands on her body and then touching between her legs, suddenly he stops and walks away]
Thomas Leroy: That was me seducing you, when it needs to be the other way around.
Nina Sayers: Please...
[he ignores her and walks out of the room]
....

>>March 27, 2011 at 5:54:44 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 25 日 星期五 【晴】

hello........

i got his email. he said he's back. i thought he's home but i m not sure now,
coz he hasnt replied yet.. but i m planning to send him a package, so...
i'd need to know if he's home or still there... i should probably try to stay on line at 11am.

i m worried but.. i dont know what to do. i was at work today, watching news,
then read some news online, it said the volcanos are getting active. :(

i didnt see *H today, he's off. nice.
work was sorts of busy but boring. nothing much...
i dont have much in my mind actually, i m thinking of honey most of the time.

i hope he'd be alright. i miss him so much..
somehow i do wish he'd go back to canada or just come here instead..
but he'd like to stay there.

>>March 26, 2011 at 4:14:42 PM GMT+8