2010 年 9 月 25 日 星期六 【晴】

hi...

these days... its getting a bit crazy.
at work..... C* and R* are quite pushy sometimes.
i feel really stressed sometimes. C* is okay... beside job, we are fine.
with R* its just difficult. she is like... wearing a mask. i basically dont really like her.

i had lunch with H* another day.... eventually, he asked about my relationship directly.
i wonder why he is nervous about that. obviously he has a gf and he knows that
he is not gonna do anything. he even explained to me what kind of guy he is,
he is not the flirting type. blah blah. hummmmmm alright. so he is a nice guy, and?
what does that do with me? so, i was just like... hummm okay, oh okay.

Thanks L* today helping me to get some candies for my throat on his lunch break...
he didnt take my money... i told him i would get him some treat another time.
he said Starbuck coffee.. i was like alright. then he said its so nice. he just got me some
candies then i would get him a coffee. haha.. thats ok. i needed those candies.
hes like a big brother.

anyway, these days, i cried after work... on the way home or to work..
of course no one knows it. i cry coz of many things.

i still couldnt figure out why he would let her lives with him.
cant figure out why he has to do that... cant figure out why i should accept that.
cant figure out why he told me if he doesnt want to tell me the truth.
but the problem is... not about being honest, but letting it happen and making it happen.
if it didnt happen, he wouldnt even need to worry about if i would accept it or not.
if it didnt happen, then he wouldnt have hurt me so much for so long.
i cant understand how come he could never understand that. even if he knows what he
does do hurt people, he is not gonna change. he is not going to do anything about that.
i dont know if its my problem or what it is. why would he do that, WHY?

why not just take her, and leave me alone. i m out. no more lies, no more bull shit.
if we do belong together, why arent we together then? instead, he is being with her.
so, they are together now, no more he and i ?

i remember once he said he would never risk our relationship for her.
but... he has been doing that, like everyday. every day when i was there, and after i left.
he wants her so much so bad, then maybe he should just keep her and leave me.

i m in pain, really really hurt me so much so bad.
i want to run away, i cant.
i want to cry but i cant.
i want to rest i cant.
i want to escape, i try soooooo hard to distract myself but i cant.
i want to date someone else but i cant.
what am i doing now? why do i still care about him? why does he do that? WHY?
sometimes i m really angry, really angry. so angry.
how can he do that to me? WHY?

why does he let me come home? why??
i love him so much, SO MUCH, SO MUCH.


how am i supposed to let him go?
why does he let me come home... why..
i love him so much, SO MUCH.



--------------

saw you sitting all alone, you are fragile and you are cold but thats alright.
life these days are getting rough, lock you down and beat you up,
but its just a roller-coaster anyway, yea.

its not right, i m not fine, its harder everyday.
maybe we are better off this way?
i m not fine, i m in pain, its harder everyday... maybe we are better off this way,
its better that we break, babe..



>>September 26, 2010 at 6:11:46 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 22 日 星期三 【晴】

i just heard some news...
i dont know if its good news or bad news.
i have expected that would happen actually, but i just didnt know that would really happen.
so, what i have thought of was partly right. so, i m not that stupid actually.
good, good for her, good for him. i dont know if its good for me, so that i would just decide
what to do, or if its bad for me coz it was difficult enough to deal with when i was there.
but now, its even more weird, strange, and....... i wonder i really wonder if i could be fine
with this news. i dont know, i seriously dont know..

its either i was completely right, it was a plan... what i heard accidentally was right.
one time, i was about to open my door, i heard them talking. he was asking her to provide
some doc proof. at that time, i told myself no, it wasnt what i thought. he wouldnt do that.
but if it was true, then she must have started working with him now. then i chose to believe
him was so fucking wrong. why do i need to deal with all the doubts, bull shit, and
things like that? why would he let it happen again and again? has he ever considered
my feelings? why does he have to put us at that position again and again?
its actually very simple, if he wants her, TAKE HER and LEAVE ME.
i would just close my eyes and walk away. its just that simple and easy.
i would fucking hate him, so fucking hate him, and i would be soooo fucking hurt.
he wont need to deal with me anymore, no more lies, no more pain, no more just no more.
everything that happened between us could be completely wiped out. thats it.
he could has his freedom and time as much as he wants. he doesnt need to be confused
and be pressured. he can do whatever he wants without even think of me.
if its what he has been asking for, yea... go for it. i m out.

if i was wrong, if he is telling the truth, then we will see what would happen next.
i still couldnt imagine how he could actually let it happen. because i m nice enough?
because she loves him so much? because i would like to share my bf with her
while i was still staying there? and now i m home, they are there, so its even better?
fuck off.

i dont know... its just hard enough at work.
somehow i feel like my work place now, my role there helps me to escape from my
messy mind. i need to stay focus there, need to be cheerful, no one knows about
me so well there, we are always cheerful and helpful, talk alot, acting elegant,
being all positive and shit, so... i could just let that good part of me out all day long..
then i can just escape from my sadness.. and work is tough sometime, and i m sooooo
worried i wont pass my probation.

and now, ... i dont know.. i dont know where i am now.
i dont know what i m gonna do. i seriously need some time.

its so... overwhelming right now. i seriously cant deal with it right now.
i wish i m drunk or i dont know.... i really dont.

>>September 23, 2010 at 4:34:45 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 20 日 星期一 【晴】

:'(

i m very tired...
i still messed up with the map, roads and shops..
i kindda feel that ChoiC is getting impatient with me now.
i feel really bad to be like that. i suck.

i wanted to cry but of course i suck it up.
i remind myself that i cant give up so eaily. i have to do it, i have to.
i wont let myself down, i wont let him down.

after work, i changed and talked with them for awhile, then i left..
i walked around the area, and then back to the mall and walked around the mall again..
oh gees... i really feel terrible. like.... tough. i remember what honey told me before,
i have zero spatial capability, like... so fucked up. so fucked up.

i want someone to talk with, i need help. but i dont. i need to remember the places
well, i m gonna fail my probation if i keep messing up everything. if my coworks are not
going to be happy to work with me, then i m screwed. we are fine now, but.... i dont know
what if some of them run out of patience with me then i m done. i m so nervous now.
so nervous. i m... tired. really tired.

Kim wanted to have dinner with me, but i rejected him. i m too tired, i cant. i just cant.
i just want to relax and rest. i feel very sorry but i dont want to spend my night with
someone who doesnt know me actually. i dont want to put myself out there after
work. i want a place to stay, to relax and rest. i dont want to go anywhere, any
crowd, or any restaurnts or movies or whatever. no, i just want to fix my problems at
work, then rest and relax. i m really really unwell. really unwell.

today, i had more time at the office building counter handeling enquires and checking
mails, updating files and data... nothing much. we keep rotating each hr or 2 hrs..
i opened the counter 2 today this morning, then went to the south concierge, then the
north concierge, then back to the counter 2... here a few hrs, there a few hrs..
whenever i was with ChoiC i was like... so nervous and almost blowing my head.
after my roster done with her, i really wanted to cry. but after work, she is alright.
i know its my problem, and i suck. so, after work, i kept walking around, hopefully i would
get better really soon. i need some magic here now.

when i go home, and whenever i m free, i just miss him so much, SO MUCH.
i wonder where he is. i wonder why i m here, why we are apart.
i know i shouldnt say it, but why am i here? if he doesnt want to let me go, then dont
let me go, why letting me come home? then i asked myself why do i come home,
why why and why? so that i have to miss him so much now, so that i have to be
alone now. so that i have to be on my own now, and where is he?
he disappears.

i keep telling myself, Cas you gotta stay strong, you gotta stay strong.

>>September 21, 2010 at 2:52:28 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 19 日 星期日 【晴】

hi...

i m soooooooooooooooooo tired, so tired, so tired.
i m off today, and i dont want to go anywhere, no where.
but i have tutoring at 5 to 7, then 7 40 to 9 10 pm.



so.... i have been back for awhile already.... yea?
its... almost a month now yea?
wow... so fast.... a month now... i havent seen him and touched him for so long already.
i feel really really sad. but i... try so hard to... get my life going, so as to distress myself
from the sadness and everything. i miss him so much. i try so hard so hard to put my
emotion into my box, close it and seal it. i only open it to reveal it when i m alone..
on the way work or back home... in bed at night and morning... its killing me.



yesterday... Howard, the new supervisor was weird. he kept trying to trick me saying if
i have a bf. at first he suggested me about those real estate agents at the exhibition in
our office building... he said like Cas, look... there are a bunch of good looking guys.
there were 4 of us at our south concierge... i was talking with ChoiC. then he was
talking with R... then all of the sudden he said that to me. i asked where we had good
looking guys. then i changed the subject.

then in the office, while L* the new senior, me, How*, ChoiC and Maggie the trainer and
supervisor are doing the report, L* invited How* to go playing war game with him.
How* said yes. then, ChoiC seems interested, then i asked her if she would like to join
them. Choi Ci was so excited. i know she is single and looking for a bf. i told them i d need
to check my schedule first then let them know later, i might not go. then How* told L* he
might not go as well. but ChoiC said she would go already. then we talked about the
company dinner. i said i would go, L* said he signed up too. but there were only the two
of us would go. L* signed up after i told him i would go. but that's fine. i dont care. then
ChoiC said we would be very lonely, then How* said we wouldnt be coz we would
have each others. i was like what the hell is going on now... then i said to L* i would
bring my family, so he might be alone. then How* said ohhhh so quick to meet up with
parents. i was kindda pissed but i just gave him a weird smile look. i m giving him
a big hint that L* and i are not together. i cant say much coz L* is next to me and i dont
want to say something weird.

they do take care of me at work somehow, i mean both L* and How*. i m really bad at
directions and i m still really lost about the map, the roads, the other shopping malls and
buildings around, and the transport. then, How* is our new supervisor, he is on training too.
he always takes care of me, help me, teach me, but also tease me.then L* is our new
senior and he is on training with me. so... of course he takes care of me, coz we are
always together. sometimes it just feels a bit weird.

How* also.... asked me like... if i m the nice girl type, blah blah... i asked him in what way...
he said maybe protected by my family, i paused and said yeaaa...
but i wonder why he needs to know.

then when we were taking break together, we went out to get some lunch.
i was calling my student to confirm the tutoring for tonight. my student didnt pick up,
then How* asked if my bf didnt pick up my call. i was like no, its just my student.
i m very sensitive, i dont understand why How* kept sort of teasing me about work,
and trying to talk about ''guys'', ''bf'' these stuffs with me. i m new here, he is new
here, L* is new here ... they are the only guys in the team. i know, but i m here to
work not to.... play games. tell me what you want, please.

ChoiC and other girls at the team are all very nice and helpful.. i really like working
with them. we always laugh together. its nice to work with them. so far, as long as
i could remember all the shops, the roads, the direction and shit, then i would be
completely fine at work. i m looking forward to that. then, no more teasing, no more
games.

i guess somehow its coz... Mag*, L*, How* and ChoiC have studied aboard before,
so.... we kind of have different vision and ideas compared with other buddies in
the team. i m saying its good or bad, but we do have more common topics and
attitude towards work and living. then How* and Leo* are the only guys in the team,
so they are kind of special. but it doesnt mean i would join the game. in fact, i think...
at work, i want to keep myself in a professional manner. if you want to flirt, make it
obvious. if you want sex, make it obvious. if you want a gf, make it obvious. right
now, i m guessing. but once i lost my interest and patient with them, i m out.
if i m just too sensitive, fine. it doesnt matter. we will see.


brb.... need a coffee...

>>September 20, 2010 at 6:38:39 AM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 17 日 星期五 【晴】

hi there,

today is very busy. i m very tired.
i was late this morning rushing to my student's home...
i missed the bus, and the next bus was late.. so i was very late.
then i rushed to the train after tutoring... i was like running to the train station with my heavy
back pack and i was wearing flip-flop. what the hell. then i was lucky i made it on time.
so i wasnt late at work... but yea, i was running up and down on the escalators, it was like
really rushy.

anyway... today was a bit tough... but still okay... got to know my coworkers more..
they are nice... so far.... except one girl, she is quite weird. she made me feel very
uncomfortable. she kept asking me lots of personal ques and the thing is.... her attitude
was like questioning me and testing me on my personal background. its like what the hell?
why was she so rude? who does she think she is? she just came 2 weeks earlier than
me, and so? she basically put me at a bizarre situation. at first, she was supposed to
do the survey with me, then when we were on the way walking there, she told me she
didnt want to do those, and she wanted to fake them. i didnt say much. then she kept
saying to me my english must be very good, then she wanted to test me. i said i dont
know if my eng is very good. then she kept asking me the store names in the mall.
i was like what the fuck is wrong with her? i dont even know those shops. 80% of them
are not english by french or italian or some other languages. my supervisor hasnt
taught me those shops names yet, why pushing and testing me on that? then when
we arrived the area, then all of the sudden she told me she wanted to observe me to see
how i do the survey. for me its like what the fuck? you should show me how i should
do it, then you said you didnt want to do it. you wanted to fake it, and now you dont
want to show me how i should do it but push me to do it on my own and you are
standing and watching? what kind of partner she is? so, if i make any mistakes, would
she feel better or she is gonna take responsibilities for that? i dont like her.
but except her, other ppl are just fine. so... that girl, she is just a bit weird.

yesterday...

no... i cant anymore...

i need to go to bed first..
my feet hurt, my shoulders hurt... gees...

sigh.

when i look up to the sky tonight... i saw the moon and the stars.. then... it reminds me
what we did in the house before... the bbq, the dinners he prepared for us..
we watched stars, we played around...

then i also thought of...... one time.... we were both on the webcam..
and he asked for a kiss. he said, before we did it, gave him a kiss first.
when we were on the webcam together, i looked into his eyes, i felt calm, and i had
strong feelings for him. and its true that... whenever i look into his eyes, if i see him
looking at me, there always have strong connection, very very strong feelings.
as in.... we dont need to talk, just look at each others, then i can feel him already.
i was totally attracted. and he is too addictive as well...

anyway.. i should really go to bed..

>>September 18, 2010 at 6:27:02 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 15 日 星期三 【晴】

wish i could have a box, which i could put anything in there.
if i need it i just take it out from there.. if i dont want it, then i just put in that box.

when i dont want to face something or cant deal with something at the moment, then i just
put it in a box. when i m ready or when i m alone, i can try to open the box a bit, to explore
my feelings and everything else. so i can control when or if i would be happy or sad.

i will put all my tears and weakness in there, and close it, seal it.
no one has to see that. but thats impossible. one day you would find it so silly. this box
wont go away, it would follow me, sitting there reminding me of something, pieces by
pieces. it comes up once awhile that makes you almost losing yourself again and again.
suppressing might help for a short while, but the pain and hurt doesnt really go away.
doesnt really get healed.

so... how to stay strong? the stronger you pretend, the weaker you actually are.
escaping from here, escaping to elsewhere. everyone holds some secret cards that
dont show other people. its hard to find someone who knows you soooo well, like
soooooo well.. and its even harder to find someone you can be real to.

today..

no.. the past few nights, i didnt really sleep well... maybe 3 or max 4 hrs each night..
i worked from 9 to 6 today... i woke up ard 6 sth, left home ard 7 sth...
i put more make up on today... had a coffee and a scone, then just left home..
got there, changing into uniform, do my hair, make sure i look great.. bleh...
then training started again. i was at the concierge- one ifc, learning to do the report,
and the computer system... today we walked around the mall, the different parking lots,
5 bridges, different areas... i still couldnt recognize everywhere, especially shop locations...
the escalators and elevators, the map, directions, buildings, transit nearby.
i finally met everyone in our team... 12 of us..... got a one more new supervisor. he seems
okay, but today we arent partners, just met on the training and at our own office.
hopefully i would get used to everything soon at work. i really want to get the promotion,
then i can have more income, and i really want to prove it i can do it.

i should go to bed..
its 12 40 am already...

today... off at 6, then rushing back to Tai Po to meet up with my student...
i was very tired actually. but its okay... i can do something i like to do and get money from it.
the thing is.... the first 5 lessons are not paid to me, but to the agency. from next week,
i can get paid finally. i would need these money so bad.

i sent honey a package another day... hopefully it would get there soon.
i m quite sure he is gonna laugh at me or think this is really weird.
but.... since it's our anniversary and we didnt really celebrate it, i just made this stupid gift..
instead of a card from the store. i dont want to find any card for that. i think the most personal
way to do a card is to make one on my own. but this time he is gonna be like ''what the fuck''..
ha... i would just do whatever i can.... coz there arent much i can do actually..
i dont owe him anything, he doesnt owe me anything too.. still... i dont know why i m so
silly to make this stupid gift. but... if he doesnt appreciate it, then... hummm... i dont know.
he doesnt deserve my gift then. he is the first person that i make this gift for... if he doesnt
want it, then well, its not the end of the world.... i can understand..

Cas... what are you doing... you should go to bed.
please take good care, just as if you wish the same thing for him.

you wish him well, wish him healthy and can rest well. you wish him everything would
be super fine. what about yourself? dont you want to be well too? you have to take
good care of yourself too... missing him wont help him much. to be honest, if he really
misses you so much, if he wants to talk with you, why wouldnt him talk to you?
of course there are time he doesnt want to be involved with you. of course. especially...
you are not there now, you dont really work together now any more.. maybe he is very
busy or stressed or whatever. he might need space and time. besides, there are so many
attractive things around. of course. of course... so, why not just go to bed?

if he wants you, he would turn to you. if he doesnt, or cant, thats not your fault.
for those guys who want me but i dont want them, i dont care and i just dont really care.
they are not wrong or anything... and losing someone i dont care, i just dont really care.
friends are friends. other than that is totally different, and i cant handle any more like any
more pain. no more. no more. and if i can be really cold and selfish to the ppl, there
must be only one reason... its either i hate you or i really really hate you. its almost
impossible to get me hating someone. and if i do hate someone, its gonna be.... huge for me.
i would start to hate myself as well.

anyway.... good night.

>>September 16, 2010 at 5:17:13 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 14 日 星期二 【晴】

hi..

i m very tired. i couldnt sleep till 3 or 4 am... then i got up at 6 40am... left home ard 7 30am..
Gosh, i was really tired... make up, had a coffee, packed my stuffs, then went all the way
to Central with my backpack and a bag. it was really really hot... i was all sweaty, and my
make up was so awful afterward. then.... i got there, had another coffee... then... yea...
did some more paper work at the HR office.. then started the training...
omg, there were so many information i need to read and remember... so many faces i have
to recognize... not only those bosses, but their wives as well. then different procedures
for everything. registration, phone call, data entry, report, different program and software,
all the shops in the mall, companies in our two buildings, all the roads in Central, hotel info,
airline info, promotions, blah blah... and even just our management department is like...
got different sub departments, different staffs i need to communicate with... have to go to
different places and offices. today is the first day, maybe thats why i m so tired... hopefully
i would get used to that soon.

the uniform looks alright, not too loose... then... beside me, theres another freshman..
but he's for the senior position. but then we got the same training. so i dont understand
why actually. it doesnt matter i guess..

i m so tired..

tomorrow would be from 9 am to 6 pm...
after that, then i would have tutoring from 7 40 to 9:10pm in Tai Po.
so, basically.... its like getting up at 6, leaving home around 7 am, then arrive ifc ard check in,
then.... work from 9 am to 6 pm, more training, then.... rushing back to tai po by 7 40..

they said i can put more make up on.... i would try to look as pretty as i can,
be as professional as i can, as elegant as i can. fuck that, but thats my job.
i should always look as good and fresh at the concierge. you know... i know they would
promote more ppl to be senior later... i hope i can be one soon. the sooner the better.
i m fresh there, and there are ard 10 ppl waiting for that promotion... i would do my best.
i might not be able to get promoted, but i know at least i m doing right.

today, on the train.... i thought of him, then.. i know i really miss him lots and lots..
i know i m really sad, but i cant just stay home and cry. whenever i think of him, my eyes
are wet and teary, sometimes like last night in bed, i was really tired but couldnt sleep..
its usually what it is... when i m free i just think of him, and then usually at night, i m really
really tired when i go to bed, so... even if i m sad and watery, i thought of him then i fell
asleep fast. sometimes i dream of him too.. and i have hope in my mind. i know i would talk
with him soon, see him soon, i can only trust that would happen.. but then last night, i just....
got watery and cried to sleep. its just.... harsh. and i hate myself crying too easily.
i just cant hold it.

i remember on my last day there... in the morning... we were sitting in the living room...
he was talking about something about the tv show... then i looked at him and i was listening
to him... then i just... knew it would be long before we could sit and talk in the morning
like that, but then last night i just couldnt control it.. this morning as well... i cried a bit..
it was so hard.. so hard to control my tears. i miss him so much. like so much. but i cant
let myself break down right now. i have to do what i have to do. i m back, and i should take
this chance to.... give myself some time to do my stuffs, to live my life. without him,
everything is changed, everything becomes weird. like so weird. but then, i m lucky i have
my family and friends, they are always around me hang out with me.. distract me.
and i am lucky i get my jobs to occupied my time fully. i m so close to cry crazily, everyday.

i love my family and friends, i love him and miss him so much.

>>September 15, 2010 at 4:55:30 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 12 日 星期日 【晴】

hi...

today, i met up with Karen... its been over a year since the last time i met her.
we had lunch together at the uk home cooking restaurant. its not expensive, the chef is a
white guy, and i believe the manager is his wife. they own and run the restaurant together.
i had an egg salad sandwich with carrot soup for lunch, with coffee, it was about HKD $48,
so around.... CAD $5. its fresh made, organic greens and eggs, coffee is fresh made.
bread is fresh baked from the kitchen. its pretty nice.

then i needed to buy new black stocking, not too thick not too thin. then i bought wet tissue,
some cleaning spray for fabric, things like that...

i would need to wear the uniform from the ex-employee till passing my probation, then
i could have a tailor made uniform and also the shoes. i m looking forward to that :)
but yea.... everything is ready now... so... tomorrow, i would have two more lessons
with my students in the early evening, then i would start working on Wed morning.
then once i got my schedule, then i can arrange all the lessons for this month and the next,
then i could start the fitness program as well.

tomorrow i would stay home resting, then have a lesson with the young student, then
go to the library, then have another lesson with the adult student. before that, i need
to go to the post office first.

today, i was searching my fav water bottle at home... but i couldnt find it.
its from Canada few years ago.. i love it coz the quality is good and i had been using it
in school and even at work after grad. but then i couldnt remember why i lost it and when.
i thought it was still home, must be my mom put it somewhere i didnt know. i was a bit
pissed off and looking for it for long. i just couldnt find it...

i took a shower... then started to flash back... it seems like i had the same thought before,
as in... i think i might have lost it long time ago actually. then i asked mom if she remembers
i told her something about my bottle.. i asked her if i had lost it even before i went to Van
last year. she paused and said it seemed like it. then i thought about it, then yea...
i guess i know when i lost it... when i was really busy running to City U, the tutorial centres..
one day, i lost it at the bakery. my hands were too busy holding my wet umbrella, the
tray and my egg tart sitting on there, and i was finding my purse in my hand bag, then i put
my bottle on the counter there... and thats how i lost it. i forgot it.

so... i remember i was pretty upset at that time.... and.... yea, i was..
then... i dont expect myself would totally forget i have lost it so long ago, and today i spent
long time finding it, and i got nothing but some long lost memories.
time does help me to.... let go of something or cut off some strong attachment.
sometimes, time doesnt help, sometimes it does.

from today till the end of this month, my home is gonna be soooooo messy and dirty.
i hope everything is gonna be fine soon, soon, and soon.

i talked with honey yesterday... he doesnt seem to trust me i do miss him.
its kind of ironic actually. other guys say they want to meet me, Henry siad he missed me.
i dont really care about them... but then when i say the same thing and i do mean it to honey,
then now he doesnt seem to take my words seriously. i dont know maybe i shouldnt
care so much. i know thats life. i know what it is, but when you are at my position,
then maybe you would see more and understand how it feels like. i do believe he has his
reasons. and... i hope thats enough for me to keep myself sane.

maybe i just miss him too much or need some time on my own. things are changing so
much and so fast to me since i m home. in 2 weeks, so many things have happened,
everything is changed.

Cas.... you would see more later.

>>September 13, 2010 at 6:39:09 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 11 日 星期六 【晴】

hello....

i have been very tired these few days...
kept running around to different places. i know since i would start working, i would not have
any free time and energy to visit and meet up with my friends and relatives.. so....
these days, i am very busy going here and there... then also need to get ready to start
working, and take care of my students.

i know... the last week is our anniversary, and thats one of the reasons why i wanted to come
home after the first week of Sep. hummm i didnt mention that to him, i wonder if he remembers.
then, yea... i dont have much money now... but i do want to prepare something for him :)
and then... i know i couldnt buy him the shoes he needs, i could only help him for one shoe,
i hope he could get himself another shoe and make it a pair.

anyway... i think i should go to bed soon..

i really... really want to see him soon. when will i be able to see him again?
i keep dreaming of him now you know.... and then..... sometimes he wouldnt respond me.
then i keep doing my things... i sort of understand him and his schedule, i wont blame him.
i want to share some news with him, everything with him.. i want him, i really do.. and that
makes me miss him even more.

Cas... you have both phones working now... the Canada line and the HK line..
but i guess the Canada line is going to expire soon. i hope it stays forever so that i could
still use that phone, still stay on, still be there waiting, checking, hoping to see the
surprise the luck coming from somewhere..

>>September 12, 2010 at 5:08:01 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

i m really exhausted.

i got my hair done today...
hair cut with colour.... my hair now is like...... soooooo cool. haha... no, actually i m not very
used to it. anyway... today was a long day for me...
i needed to meet up with auntie Priscilla in the morning, left home around 9 30 am..
then went to the salon by 12 noon, then.... left there ard 3 30pm, went to ikea to get some stuffs
then met up with mom to get food for dinner. when we got home it was already 6 40 pm...
then on the way got a call from Shan.... Ella asked me to go over for dinner or something.
she is gonna open a tuck shop, so..... i went over her place... i m so exhausted today.
i just got home not long ago actually. almost 1 20 am?

its crazy....

then on Sunday, i need to do the tutoring again. and i have to prepare 4 lessons for the next week.
so... yea, quite a lot to do actually. then my full time job will start very soon next week, so...
i gotta be all ready and i dont know... and i still havent started my gym plan yet. its at the
community sport centre. hummmmmmmm the drop in program is really cheap... but then i wonder
if i would be physically capable of all these activities. i m gonna be sooooooo exhausted.
in a sense that would be great.... tire myself out... then i might not feel as sad.

i was supposed to meet up with Kim tomorrow, but then.... i dont know if i should meet him.
coz i m really tired, and then i was also supposed to visit grandpa.. so, i dont know.

Henry is so weird, he sms me a weird mesg today. i hate it. its like, why cant he just sms
me something normal instead of through some weird company that requires my money
to check what secret note he wrote me? he sent me, why should i pay to read it?
if he wants to say something, say it directly or in whatever way, but i m not paying $2
to read his b s sms.

what about my honey? i wanna share with him about my new hair style, the video clip of me
from Ivy, and some more stuffs... i m so fucking tired... boo.....

brb. need a shower and get to bed... i would love to talk with honey, but... i dont think
he wants to.. this time he must be rushing to go to work... i miss him lots.

>>September 10, 2010 at 5:47:24 PM GMT+8