2011 年 3 月 24 日 星期四 【晴】

i m very unhappy at work today...

its like..... i could put on an angry face to *H without regret.
i hate working with him, i hate it so much.
i used to think i should respect him coz he's my supervisor, but no....
i cant respect him, coz basically, i hate him. i hate the way he is at work, i hate his
terrible manner, i hate his no-show for no reasons. he's fake. he's just.... horrible to work with.
i was just being nice to him as i m nice with everyone, but he took advantage on that
and started abusing my kindness, i was like so pissed at him, i just didnt talk to him at all.
he knew what he did and he knew i was pissed, then he started acting weird. i just didnt care.
i dont care if he's my supervisor, coz he wasnt doing his job right anyway, fuck off.

i wasnt feeling well, and where was he excuses me? he was resting when he was supposed
to be at the counter with me. he told me he would be back in a min, how long did he
leave? 1 hr 15 mins. fuck him. i rather he told me he wouldnt come down. when he came
back what did he said? i told him i thought he wouldnt come back, then he said hes back.
yea i saw it, but after 1 hr 15 mins.

what happened at my meal break today? he asked me to do him a fav a few days ago.
his uniform jacket's button fell off and his mom fixed it the wrong way. he asked me to
help him fix it, coz he knew last time i helped *L and i did it better than the other girls.
i was like sooooo hungry trying to eat my lunch at 5 pm coz of my messed up schedule.
then i told him after i finished my food, i could help him, coz i was really hungry.
he joked he could help me for finish my food coz i needed to be on diet anyway. i smiled.
he asked if i minded to share the fries. i told him i was really hungry, it was my lunch.
he didnt stop, he kept eating. and he'd never got himself food, he only ate the others.
i was like whatever, i needed to eat. even *L got the signal, but *H didnt.
then i took his jacket and found it was complicated and i was in a rush, so i told him to
take it home to ask his mom again. he came back today and during my only meal break
asking if i could do him the fav. i told him hummm yea, what could i say? then he said
helped him to fix the button. i said okay but i needed to eat first. there he came back
later with a new uniform jacket which had no problems with the button. he said it's the
new one but he worried it would fall so wanted me to make sure it wouldnt fall.
i was like speechless. i was eating, i told him to wait. then he joked like i wasnt pleasant
to help him. i didnt say anything. then when i was a bout to finish eating he hurried me.
i said no i havent finished yet, i asked him to wait. then later he passed me his
jacket and it fucking stain, the smoking smell was really strong that just disgusted me.
i was like what the fuck? i had to hold it and put it on my lap while fixing it. it's just
disgusting. when i finished i told him his jacket really stained. he was embarrassed.

i just cant stand ppl like that. he fucking got a mom and a gf. why asking me for help?
and he's just... i dont know how to explain it. i just cant stand ppl like that, so cheap.

got a meeting at work today, nothing much... but i really started to hate my job somehow.
coz of the commute, coz of the customers, its just bad. but i need the money.

then, i was really worried about him, coz... you know.... there were quakes again,
and my right eyes kept jumping, and usually its not something good... *touch wood.
i miss him so much.... i want him safe, i want him to be safe.. i miss him, i really wanna
see him again, i want to hold his hand, i want to hug him, i want to be held in his arms.
i want to sleep with him, i miss him so much... :'(
i wanna sent him a big package, and i have asked about Fedex. as soon as he goes home,
then i could just send it then he could get it like in 2 business days. safe and fast...
i wish him fine there, i do worry a lot... i miss him so much... :'(

>>March 25, 2011 at 5:19:58 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 23 日 星期三 【晴】

work sucks...
i hate coming to work.. my roster today is totally messed up. *H reported sick at
the last min, no one followed the update version of the schedule, then i had no partner
for almost the whole day till closing. i basically got no break, but my positions are
really boring. i work from 1 pm, but my break comes at 7pm. not even any small break,
what's wrong with the arrangement today? i cant blame anyone though..
next month's roster is out today, got training again, but the schedule suck ass. 11 hrs at
work coz of the training? i think it's way too much. i cant complain though..

i made some big mistake again, gees, its not cool..

by the way, i heard there're huge quakes again. it just scares me.
i hope everything's fine there..

brb. gotta get back wot work.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

im home finally....
:'(

so tired.....
i really dont wanna go to work.


how's he doing?

>>March 24, 2011 at 4:41:22 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 23 日 星期三 【晴】

honey replied my email.
its such a huge relief... but i hope everything is gonna be fine soon.
i still worry of course but... yea.. he has my respect and everything.
i prayed last night, prayed for japan and the ppl there, prayed for him of course.

so, i m alright today.
thanks god.

i'm waiting for his next email. i hope he's doing fine there..
i miss him so much....


by the way, this is the commercial i saw at the station today..

>>March 23, 2011 at 5:13:06 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 21 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

when are the things gonna end?
would i have enough patience to survive this time?
if i start questioning myself now, its not gonna help.

maybe its time for me to learn to stand on my own feet, so at least i wont fall too hard.
i dont want to be on my own. i m not that strong actually, can you hear me?

*C talked to me like... she knew i m upset, but i have my own life here, i should keep it going.
i told her yes, i know life must go on. she said its not the end of the world, and my life
hasnt end so i have to live it. yes, i have to live it. i havent given up myself yet, have i?
but you know... the difference between work and a personal life?
you work could be done any time when you left the company. you can quit although
there might be serious consquences. but you cant quit your life, you could end it but not
quit it. your personal life would follow you till you die. the heart ache would just stick
with you. i could try to let go of the pain, but the real problem wont leave me.
and there's no where i could escape to.

the news said it might take at least 5 years to rebuild the city there,
so if it's just 10 days from the quake on the 11th, my 10 days of nightmare is just nothing.

i love my family and my friends. but i dont want them to see me upset or anything.
i love them so much that i dont want them to worry about me.
so they, especially my family shouldnt see the weak side of me, that fragile side of me.
and there's no where i can go.

i wish him well there...

sometimes i do worry that he thinks he has owed me lots or he might think he couldnt
give me anything so he doesnt deserve me... if it's what he thinks, that definitely brings
lots of pressure. and if it happens to me everytime like a routine, i wonder if i could
handle more. right now i m not sure yet. i hope its not what it is. and right now, i really
have nothing i can do.

i've checked about the Red Cross and St. John. i m planning to take the first-aid training
course, and also the psychological first-aid course some sorts of things. but i need to
watch my budget. but i'd also apply to Cathay. so... might just apply to Cathay first..
i dont know.... i wanna do something meaningful, or something i wanna do while i m waiting.
in fact, i should look around to see what i can do with my life before i die.

i think i should stop now..
i should get back to work.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi.. i m home..
i m so tired. i dont wanna go to work tmr.
i wish i could just stay home, i wanna be alone.

just now, *C told me that last night they left at 3 sth am or 4 am.
i was like what?! thats really late. i m glad that i wasnt there till that late.
some of them were pretty drunk too.

can i please sleep well tonight? i slept late and got up late today coz i had the late
shift.. but i kept waking up, having nightmares, and then i also kept dreaming of him.
i m so scared as in i didnt know if it was real in my dream. i m scared that i might lose
him. but i have to respect him no matter what decision he makes.

>>March 22, 2011 at 4:49:14 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 20 日 星期日 【晴】

how is he?
i miss him already.

i got up late today, i needed more sleep. had a coffee, some breakfast and reading news.
then, i had lunch with my family, needed a walk, and i went the printing store.
i printed some photos. then did some shopping for groceries, then back home.
stayed home watching news and took some rest... then headed out to ikea.
i was looking for photo frame, then i had dinner there a lone.
i had japanese curry rice, katsu curry rice, cream soda with cake. i ate alone there,
nothing much... a few couples sitting next to me, so its like radio is on, kept hearing their
conversation. why couldnt they just eat and stay quiet or at least keep down a bit.

i miss him, especially when i was in ikea.
everything i saw there just reminded me of him, and the memories stay on my mind.
the lights, the lamp at his house, the scent of the candles, the kitchen section when we
were buying more cooking tools for the tenants in his house in Van, and we played ard
in ikea. i saw the same big lamp there, the one he has in his house in Japan now.
sometimes it just hurts, coz... i wish when i looked back i would find him. coz when he's
ard, i would feel safe. when he's ard, i would be calm.

then i went to Mong Kok to meet up with my coworkers.. *F's last day, and they organized
a karaoke party for her. i had to attend thought i didnt want to. *F, *R, *C and i had already
made plan for dinner next week, i really dont feel like to spend another hundred dollars
on such entertainment, i m not in mood for anything right now. if you get me drunk and
let me forget who i am, then i would go with you. if it's just a bunch of ppl playing games
in group, having a great time, singing sad songs, things like that i cant really pretend to be
happy staying ard. if i sing, i would cry. i dont play those games, i dont wanna ruin the
party, so i left early. they were sort of surprised and asked me why leaving early. there
were ppl i am not too close, like their bfs and some other coworkers. i'm sorry, its just
not the right time for me to get to know them more. *F walked me out. we hugged. i wish
her a brighter future in the new company. i'd miss working with her.

then, right now... i dont know what to do..
i m thinking of him.. but... i have no ideas how he is now. i do miss him so much so much.
i saw my email inbox, then i realized actually the last time i got his email was on the 19th,
today is 21st, so... only 2 days, but then for me it already feels like so long, so long.

i dont want him to leave me, and i dont want to leave him.
i want to stay with him. how's he now?






>>March 21, 2011 at 6:01:52 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 19 日 星期六 【晴】

hi....

it was a long day... i needed to started at the south counter this morning.
i made a huge mistake right at the start off. i went to the resource room of the management
office, signed for the duty phone, but i left the phone at the counter in the room.
i went down to the counter, then i realized i didnt have that phone with me.
i was like shit shit shit. i couldnt leave the counter without anyone rotating with me.
i signed for the phone, and if i lost it, i need to be responsible for that, not about the price
for the shitty phone, but i would need to write a report, and it would be taken record on my
profile. its not about how long i m gonna stay at this job, but my reputation would be gone
completely, which is like....... a serious thing. once i m still here, i need ppl to trust me and
want to work with me, i need the certain popularity. and they already know i always forget
things, and i have made some mistakes in a row lately. and they know i m in bad mood
coz of the quake in japan.

anyway, in the end, i called to the north counter, i called back to the management office,
i asked the other team person to hep me, stay at the counter for 5 mins, so i could run
upstairs and get the phone.

i bought *F a muffin today, tmr is her last day but i 'll be off. i m gonna miss working with
her. she's a really nice person, and very helpful. but then she bought me a tart when i was
getting off today. she's just sweet. she wanted to buy me lunch today, but i told her no.
i should treat her something instead. and the thing is i wanted to get her a muffin when
i was getting a coffee, but she returned me a tart. she's just nice.

i m not happy today... after work, i just met with Ivy. then we came back to tai po together.

i m not feeling great... even the girls can tell.. and i was surprised that when i saw *H today,
the first thing he did was petting my shoulder, and asked me how's everything. i told him
i m not great but i m alive. i'm alright. he asked me what about my bf, how's he.
i told him, he went to the north to help, he didnt leave japan. he was like ohhhh he's a real
kind person, nice guy. i was like speechless, i told him yup he is. *My heard our conversation
and i saw her surprising face. for me it's like gosh... i dont mean to make everyone knows
what's going on with me, but i guess i cant hide everything now. and the thing is, they knew
i took a sick leave yesterday, and to be honest, i knew *F didnt tell anyone i cried on phone,
otherwise it would be a bigger sad face big hug to me when i saw them. i knew i needed to
make things clear, so i told them i m on pills again, i went to the doctor yesterday.
they asked me how come i didnt need to make an appointment in advance. i said i did need
it but i was just lucky coz it was really hurt so yea. i lied. but you know what, they called
sick not coz they are sick. when they are sick, they come to work and show everyone
they are sick. they called sick when their bfs are off that day, or they are really really sick.
i dont want them to think that i call sick for staying home crying. even though i might,
but still that doesnt mean i want them to know.

i always wonder how fragile i am. i dont want ppl to see my weakness, but they always
know my weakness. honey knows me the best with my weakness. he wouldnt like
help me to do everything to protect me, but he would ask me to try different things so that
i could see different things from another angle. he would watch me, and make sure i learn.
i know he does that on purpose, so that i would grow up and become stronger.
he's probably the only few ppl knowing and could see my fragile side. coz i always act
strong when they are not ard me. honey, Shan, my best friends and some close friends...
they know me... and one day, *L told me i have the potential to become an evil person.
i told him yea i do, but it depends on if i want to be or not. i could be but i just dont want
to be. like when the beautiful fearful white swan was pushed to her limit, she turned to
the black swan, that stunning seducing evil one. hahahaha... i laughed when i said that.
then he said he'd never watched that movie, that's for women. i told him nope, it has
good hot scene. he laughed.

but it's true.. i know who i am. i m... basically a nice person. but sometimes i do get
to be naughty, but right now... i m not interested in any guy, coz... it's something else
happening in my mind, i miss him. and i dont know how he is, coz he didnt reply me.

i do worry much less now about the radiation, but i do monitor the news channel.
i m a little worried for sure. there are earthquakes there still, and i have no ideas which
part of the north he is in. and then, i dont know..

henry mesg me again... telling me a bunch of things...
i asked him a lot of questions just now, i know he's probably not lying, but for me, its like..
no... i m not up to anything with him. but from the conversation, i do learn a lot of things,
and i realized why he needed to walk away from me. he had some good reasons.
and that also makes me wonder how come all the guys are the same. its a long story,
i cant write too much here now coz i m too tired... just one thing about guys is really
difficult to understand, its about how they perceive the co-relation between a relationship
and their social status, finance, and physical fitness. ok, maybe physical part is important
as in like a long distance relationship, how long distance it is... but, finance and social
status these things are not controllable, and it would affect life style and the quality of
life activities, but it shouldnt easily change the love towards the person. so, i couldnt
understand why men change their attitude towards the ppl they love when their life
got crisis. in general i could understand ppl change their mind under pressure and
in difficult situation or circumstances, ppl do change the way they live. coz their mind
has changed, so it influences the way they see things, their attitude and behaviors
are determined by that too. so it seems like everything has changed, personalty changed.
but you know... ppl are born to be able to adapt, through assimilation and accommodation.
so, compatibility shouldnt change easily, especially if the foundation of a relationship
was solid or relatively stable. unless, feelings's gone, no more trust, nothing in common
anymore, dont wanna put in effort anymore, then .... the real problem would come..
falling out of love from long term frustration and disappointment. but disappointment
and frustration could because of the false hope, lies, distrust, destructive behavior,
and the ideal self its own. however, if things could always turn to that logical, ppl are
always that clear about what they want and need, then love wouldnt be a myth anymore.
and ppl dont need to grow, right?

anyway, i should go to bed...

i m thinking of him, and.... for some reasons, it;s weird that i keep dreaming of him.
i dont want him to be scared, or push me away.. i do love him and wanna stay with him.
it seems like the situation doesnt allow this, but i m still waiting and hoping... coz i have
faith in him, and i believe that i do trust the right person.





>>March 20, 2011 at 5:32:19 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 18 日 星期五 【晴】

hi......

i... didnt go to work today.



last night, after i got his reply, i made a call to Shan, coz i was shocked.
i got a mesg from *F from work. she had something to tell me about work for today.
i asked her if she minded i called her later instead..
then my sis Leggy came in, and she saw me almost crying, then i told her.
she was calm. i felt easier, she asked me to take a shower then think about telling parents.
i took a long shower, came out, calm down a bit. i called *F, asking about work stuffs.
then, after that, i told her that i wasnt feeling good, i didnt want to come to work the next day.
she asked if i was okay. i told her no. she knew i was worried about him and kept checking
news at work. i told her he went to the north to help. she said he's brave. i said yes.
then i started crying, i told her i didnt know what to do. i replied him but he didnt write
back afterward. she asked me to stay home if i didnt feel like to come to work. just find
some excuse and try to get a doctor note. i said i d try to come to work today. i asked
if i should tell *M or *H that i might need a day off. *F said no. they better not knowing.
they are not gonna really understand, but they d think i couldnt handle my emotion at
work or brought my private life to work. i thought so too.

i cried on phone for awhile, i hope i didnt scare her. then... i was watching tv with Leggy...
i didnt wanna sleep, though i was really really exhausted.. *F told me she found that
i looked really tired. i told her yes, i am really really tired. she said not like the outlook,
but from my eyes and my tone. she knew i must be exhausted. i went to bed ard 2 am..
i didnt wanna come to work this morning... i decided to call sick. i got up before 8 am,
made the call to the office... then came checking mail and news..

he replied me. nothing much, just the link of an article. but it did make me feel much
better after reading it. i could relax a bit.. so, after that, i just wrote him a short reply,
then i went back to sleep. then got up again ard 10, called to the doctor's office, it was
full, so i was on the waiting list... but i was lucky... someone canceled the appointment,
so they called back and scheduled me to the time slot, i took my second check up today.
they took my tissue for the test. i got medicine again.

i got myself a coffee at the Pacific Coffee place. it was a horrible coffee.
i went back to tai po to have lunch with my family... then took a walk and came home.
i dont want to go to work tmr... i dont.... i dont want to pretend to be fine and all
smiling and helpful to those customers. its my role but i dont wanna fake things up.

i feel glad that he'd done something right, and i'd probably do the same if i were him.
just that i do worry a little for sure. and i'd ask myself if he actually wants me to worry
for him? i dont think so. he wouldnt want ppl worry for him. and i ask myself what if
he doesnt love me or want me anymore actually, maybe he just doesnt say it for the
sake of not feeling guilty. guys do that all the time. but you know, i rather him being
honest with me if he doesnt want me. thats the respect to me and to us.

i do feel bad sometimes... coz i know i m not there, and i cant help him much.
it just feels like i m not needed. when i was there, he didnt need me. when i m here,
he doesnt need me. its hard to find the belongingness sometimes. but i just dont want
him to you know... dont wanna bring him stress right now. or maybe he doesnt even
care. there's difference between ''you dont want to'' and ''you cant''.
there is condition which is ''you can but you dont want to'' and ''you cant but you want''
that might lead to the same behavior same choice, but the attitude would be different,
coz the reasons behind the act is different. and ppl are really good at lying, especially
to his/her own self. or when ppl are confused or scared, they tend to put on a mask
to cover up the real feelings, that's for protecting himself, that's for defensing himself
from the truth, coz it usually hurts.

i shouldnt think too much, i should go to bed.... tmr got morning shift again.

i wanna take japanese and korean language class. i wanna take first-aid too.
i think ... as an asian, i speak cantonese and mandarin thats great. but, if i speak
japanese and korean, then i could have much more choices when it comes to
communication with ppl. i think maybe later in my life, i would just do psychology
or education work instead. well i mean if i'd be a housewife, then i d have time for that.
for psychology, i d be interested in counseling and post traumatic stress disorder,
or child development would be my strength. i m still pretty interested in psychology...
maybe i should drop by the library sometimes. then when i'm getting older, i d have
a small coffee shop or small bakery. thats just for interests, maybe after i retire
or if i become very rich... i d do lots of donation or charity work. i dont know if i get
this day though. the most ideal would be just getting married and be a mom, taking
care of my kids and husband and my family.. but who knows if i'd be dead before that or
i might remain single forever? i wanna get married, but who knows? why knows if anyone
wanna marry me?

i wish him fine there, i really do.. i miss him so much already.
i should be patient, stay calm, then i could see more.

>>March 19, 2011 at 5:21:57 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 17 日 星期四 【晴】

i feel so shitty today.
too tired... i just got myself a coffee and sandwich at the mtr station..
work was okay, nothing special... just got lots of british in the mall today.

i felt better, coz i know he's going to osaka in the south. so my mood was slightly better today.
i had breakfast, normal meal for lunch. but then when i was going off, on the way home,
i got some bad news, and i was panic again. coz i was on the bus, i saw the news on the tv
on the bus, but it wasnt in detail, then mom called and told me a bunch of news which
made me so confused, but i was so nervous, so i sms him... i took taxi home from the bus
stop. i came home, immediately checking the news channel and on the internet. the news
were not true. i was so pissed off, and i havent heard from him yet. so i dont know..

actually, i think i should have faith in him. he's so much smarter and stronger than me,
he would survive. and the thing is.... i shouldnt panic, coz that's not helping him or anyone.
and the main thing is, no matter what i'd need to accept and respect his choice.
so, i have no rights to try to stop him.

i m so exhausted... i just wanna rest, i thought i could relax a bit since he's leaving tokyo.
but i made myself so stressed now. anyway, i should have faith in him.

today is the st. patrick's day in the west, i supposed today a happy day, but no...
asia here is in shit. not really all areas of asia, but... yea... then, some war is about to
start in europe. i just wonder what the fuck is wrong with us ppl now?

i m really not in mood for everything these days... really not in mood..
dont wanna do shopping, dont wanna go anywhere after work..
i might want a walk or just meet with my best friends... i even went drinking by myself, then
end up started crying when i was drunk. i dont want to do my make up at work, so just
spent less time and less effort to do the make up before work. i didnt feel like to do
anything with any guys. i wonder.... if we are not gonna be together, if we need to split,
i might not engage to another relationship anymore. not like i m desperate to look for a guy
to get married or settle down. i want to get marry and be a mom, but i doubt i would.
coz..... i'm so tired. the more i care, the more difficult feeling i cause to myself, to the
others. then, what's the point? and the world would end anyway, and i m gonna suffer if
the ppl i love would die before me. its either i die first or they die first. if i die, they would be
upset, if they die, i wont live. if i dont love anyone, if i have no feelings for anyone, then
when i leave the world or anyone i would feel less pain.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes i have wondered if i could help, i would help. if the country needs me,
if i have the ability, i would go bare the responsibility to go to the front to help.
but i cant, coz i cant do anything. just now i watched tv, the interview about the japanese
ppl and their family. some guy stayed at the nuclear plant to try to save the plant.
he's gonna die ppl predicted. but he stays, and he told his family to understand he would
stay there. his family support him. i wondered if i could do the same. yes, if my family
or my husband could help that then yea. i'll be proud of him or her. coz... its a right thing
to do. if i could do it, i would do it too.

and you know just now, while i was waiting for his reply, i had my dinner..
and when i just came back here, i got his reply. he said he's gone north to help.
i was shocked, and i didnt know what to do. i was confused. i made a call to Shan..
i wanted to cry, coz i have been scared to lose him. but as i know him, i know he made
a right choice for himself and the dogs. i dont know what to say. i'm proud of him,
i want him safe of course, but i think he does make a right decision. so.... i m worried
but... i dont know what to say. i m confused but.... yea... i respect his decision.
and i m really proud of him.

may god bless him and the whole nation there.

>>March 18, 2011 at 2:48:28 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 16 日 星期三 【晴】

i m really exhausted..

i have so much i wanna write but i couldnt do it.
i need to sleep.

its like... for me the past few days were quite difficult here.
coz my mind is messy, and especially at work i m trying to be fine..
and when i read the news, its like the roller coster and then.... sometimes i just couldnt
handle it especially today, the tension was really high. i made a few mistakes at work..
i used to be so upset over that, but now i m like okay whatever, i have something
more important to worry about. for me, its like.. okay, who cares?
then whenever i have time i came online checking news and mails.. when i was busy,
i m still on line unless it's like too busy to log in or some coworkers might be ard.

anyway... i was crying on the bus today on the way home...
mom called me.. and i knew something... i just cried when i talked with her..
i felt so desperate and helpless somehow.. i just sms him again..
then he replied me finally. i guess i know why he replied so late now. i think i know why.

anyway, i ran to the bank during my lunch break, i sent money there.
i dont care, whatever it takes, i need to help him. but then actually, i should ask myself
if he really needs or wants my help. coz he'd never asked me, he had told me his
situation and he couldnt leave. i kept asking him to come over or leave japan, but he
said he couldnt coz the dogs couldnt leave. i guess he must be very pissed off by me.
coz i didnt get his reasons why the dogs couldnt leave. and i was the evil one asking
him to leave although the dogs might need to stay. i find myself very bad saying this,
but at that time i didnt feel like i have a choice. of course i want them all safe. coz i love
him and i know he needs them. they are like his sons. but at that moment, i just know if
one person can leave then he should leave. there are three lives there, i'd try whatever
ways to help them all stay safe.

i m really in a terrible mood right now..
i didnt get much sleep. i fell asleep during the workshop at work today..
i looked terrible i think, but the tenants said i looked sharp. i was like thank you.
actually i was just pretending i was fine. when there were no one else, my eyes went
red and wet, coz my tears were about to drop.

so, he's not coming to hk, he couldnt leave japan, but at least he's leaving tokyo.
that's great. just leave plz. i even asked him to promise me to leave.
of course he didnt say yes or no. of course he wouldnt say anything about it.
somehow i know we're not the same anymore. but when situation comes, my heart
is still missing him and i dont want him to be in danger. maybe he already had a plan b,
just that he didnt tell me, then i was already all messed up and panic for him..
but he didnt tell me much. if he really wanted me to know, he would have told me more
not like i had to keep asking him, right? things changed. i guess i should accept that,
things changed. i dont know if he still loves me the same, or if he still wants me,
but i should prepare for the worst. he used to tell me i cant be replaced, he told me i
had no ideas, no ideas how much he loved me. well, it's either he was bull-siting me,
or things changed already.... i just know right now, its more important to make sure
he's safe and have enough sources for awhile.

maybe i m stupid and dumb, and right, he deserves someone who can be calm and
who can help him, someone funny and can help him ard, that someone doesnt look like me.
we will see, but... i dont know..

right now i just want him fine... and i should go to bed..
gotta get up soon.

i hope japan would turn out fine. please dont blow away tokyo and the whole japan..
i dont hate them, please dont do that..

i'll be back tomorrow to write more..

i hope honesy is fine there. i m so worried about him, which is not good..
so... i do pray for him and his dogs and for Ayako as well. they are like a family already.
even if he might not want me anymore, i just wish them well you know..

>>March 17, 2011 at 4:36:28 PM GMT+8

2011 年 3 月 14 日 星期一 【晴】

one night, i was too upset but i couldnt do anything coz i was at work...
after work, i just went to the bar by myself. i got myself drunk and stayed there.
my tears dropped on my face and i couldnt hold it i just let them fall. i couldnt control it.

to be honest, why am i considered lucky that i could return home before the quake?
i even joked about it on my email to him. i said like if i stayed, i could have longer holiday,
and i could witness the quake. if i die, my life would be pretty short but special.
why is it lucky for me? but everyone is saying to me its good to have me back.

at the end, i was drunk taking bus home.... i m in a terrible mood these days that
i could fake it i was okay at work. as long as they dont push me talking too much
personal stuffs at the same time, as long as i could breath or take a break in between,
as long as i could sit down and updating myself with news, and leave me a lone
sometimes, then i could still pretend to be fine. but when i'm alone, i know how nervous
i am, i know how upset i am.

and so, i told him i'm not alright since i m back... well actually especially after the quake.
and he replied me.

just so many things happened in the past few days, my mind is all over the place..
there are stuffs that i should do but i havent done. i should get on my life which i m
trying to do now actually. i wanted to send him stuffs but i cant now coz of the quake.
and he's pushing me away and i have no ideas what i should do but just wait.
and i m not good at waiting coz i m impatient when it comes to safety and security with
the ppl i love. my mind is so messy, and i m tired and exhausted from work..
i m really stressed coz of the work and when i come home i dont feel relaxed.
i need time to be alone in a quiet place but i cant. i dont have any space or time here.
and my heart is aching, coz of the news and there's nothing i can do. its like the fucking
roller coaster, jumping up and high and down.

today after work, i just met with Ivy... we talked and walked around..
i actually want to take day off tmr...

i emailed him, he emailed back..
and i figured that... i have said what i had to say, and i figured that he needs time
on his own for dealing with himself and his life.. and he doesnt want me to be in that
picture yet. wether he can or cant, want it or doesnt want it, its not up to me.
as my respect, what else can i do? i should let him do what he wants to do..
let him go if he wants to go. i could only wait..

for me, his safety comes first, his business or job are so important to him..
if he has to drop me aside, of course i feel bad and terrible.. but if he cant handle
that, can i blame him for that? i 've been thinking if i should email him again
asking if he wants to leave japan for awhile, but he's smarter than me, he knows
what he's doing, he was well trained. he knows if he wants to stay or leave.
he knows his situation with his dogs. but i just worry if his mind isnt clear, then
he might make wrong decision. and so i dont dare to bother him.

i dont know what to do if my life is without him..
but there're so many possibilities floating on my mind these days about life and death,
about my future and us... its not like i dont think... i do... and i do think about myself
too. but i just love him and care about him so much that i cant leave him.
and to be honest, it could be possible that he actually doesnt want me anymore but
just doesnt know how to say no to me or how to say bye to me. it could be.

then it would be just like how my ex and i ended and it was really ugly as in it did
hurt me so much and i couldnt recover till after a few years, which is like...
a trumma to me. i was healed coz the truth finally came to me on my birthday after
a few years since the break up. i just ended up swearing at him and told him to fuck
off which i had never got the courage to do. it was just cool. and i moved on.

i cant imagine what if it's gonna happen again... is my life really going into a routine
like that? i dont want to. and i did think i have found the right guy this time.

please tell me what i can do..

my heart was just aching, and i was shaking when i was told there's the earthquake,
and i just log in to msn immediately to check on him... i was shaking.
knowing that he was okay at that moment, i was like so glad.
but havent heard from him since, i was just nervous again.. and i gotta call him the
next day coz i couldnt get his reply on sms or msn..

anyway....... if he just wants to leave me, he should tell me.
that would hurt me the least. just make it clear that he doesnt want me anymore,
then everything would become clear and easier. coz i dont wanna leave him,
and i especially dont want it turn out to be ugly if he does want to leave me.

i m praying hoping everything is gonna be fine soon.. i mean for all the japanese ppl
there, for the whole nation there. i dont want them to lose their family and everything.
it hurts a lot, though i was always scared of japanese.

i dont mind if he moves here or there, or starts all over or not having his own business.
i love him as who he is and i dont care if i have to be in difficult position with him..
i dont mind to help him or whatever, but if he doesnt want me, then i should go.

Cas, be patient..

>>March 15, 2011 at 5:35:18 PM GMT+8