2011 年 5 月 19 日 星期四 【晴】

when life comes to the end, what would ppl want?
i'm so tired.








I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life

>>May 20, 2011 at 4:48:36 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 18 日 星期三 【晴】

so... i asked him if he loved me.. he said uh huh...
so... was that a yes or just a way to say no.

work sucks, and when i got home i was furious.

i m scared and everything else. i'm exhausted.
and then... i dont know... i dont want to go on. i wanna run away but i cant.
why cant he just say yes or no. if its yes, then yes. if its no, then no.
i m not gonna blame him. i m not gonna be mad at him.
if he has someone else, he should just tell me now. coz i want him to be happy,
and i dont want him to hold on to me for nothing, its so meaningless if he doesnt love me.
yes i love him, but i dont want to be lied. i need the truth, coz i trust him.

i just dont understand why all of the sudden he said to me he thought i had someone else.
it really hurts me actually.

>>May 19, 2011 at 3:44:32 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

:'( :'( :'(

why do you have to hesitate me?
everyone can doubt on me, but not you!









>>May 18, 2011 at 2:44:29 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

hi ...

:'(

i got his email this morning, i wrote back immediately.
i hope he's alright... i do miss him so much. i was so tempted to ask if he misses me.

last night, i met up with Shan after work... we went for a beer, catching up...
i've been really unhappy lately.. just wanna see my close friends or best friend..
then, i visited grandpa today with my parents and Miki after lunch...
saw ppl dead in the hospice. and the nurse there told us to be prepared anyway.
i wanted to cry... and you know... ppl die there everyday, maybe more than 1 each day.
i dont know how ppl deal with it while working there or for the patient there..
today you see them lying next to you and have family visiting, the next day he dies.
so, grandpa is really upset and he doesnt even want to hear any cry or anything.
he really wants to go home, but my uncles and aunts wont let him.

i dont know..
i m coughing like crazy..

that japanese girl kept bugging me and wouldnt let me go..
then, in the end i just mesg her back like told her lots of stuffs, i asked her stop asking
me ques or testing me since the ques she asked about him and i arent helping her
and not quite related to her. so she should focus on her life and herself, move on.
since then, i still havent heard from her. hopefully she gives up.

i miss him so much. i just dont know what i should do... i worry about him,
i care about him but i just.. dont know..





>>May 17, 2011 at 3:19:21 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

lately, there's a japanese girl kept messaging me over my japan album and the pics
about honey and i. i dont know why she's so interested in us. i tried to change the
topic but so soon she would turn to that again. its like what the fuck. i m trying to
not to think about him, and now she keeps reminding me about him. her pic on her
profile is kind of fake, she doesnt have much friends or info on her profile. it makes
me feel like she's sent by someone to ask me a bunch of ques. her english is good,
and she only interests about him and i, not other things else. kept asking if he's living
in hk with me, kept trying to get me saying about him. i asked her before if she knew
him. she said no. its like what the fuck just leave me a lone please.

work was kind of relaxing in the morning, gone really crazy in the afternoon.
i had the morning shift, so damn tired. i m so sick and tired of the traffic. i cant.

i miss him so much, i wonder if he misses me too... i cant hold it anymore, i wanna
tell him how much i miss him and i really miss him so much. i wanna ask him if he
misses me too :'( :'( :'( it's killing me. how's he?

>>May 15, 2011 at 2:21:36 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 13 日 星期五 【晴】

i cried in bed last night, i couldnt stop myself.. then i fell asleep..
i got ard 6 hrs sleep last night, my eyes were puffy and red when i got up.
i felt so exhausted.

when i think of him i just miss him so damn much. it hurts so bad so bad.
i worry about him there, i miss him so much.
i dont know what to do..

at work today, *L asked about him, i didnt say much..
then *Tr saw me and asked me why i seemed so sad lately. i made up some stories,
coz i didnt want to tell him or anyone. i refused to talk about it especially at work or
with ppl i m not close with. why do they need to know? if they know then i cant hide.
i cant escape or i have to face my sadness my grief every single moments.
whenever i thought about the past i needed to stop myself or i just started crying.
i dont want anyone else but him. do i talk with others? do i smile and try to live normal?
yes i do. do i talk to guys? yes i do. i need to occupy myself i need to run away from
my true feeling and true side. who do i care? the person that's in my heart.
the person who i love and i would cry for nights losing control of myself.
without him, i m.....broken, part of myself are gone. its not excuses, its real.

i hate that i need to work tmr.
dont cry Cas.. remember you cant fall right now.





---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'' May 14 - Patience To Be Patient

Children want things now: “But I want dessert now!” “Are we there yet?” “Now can we
open our presents?” In contrast, as we get older we learn to wait. Medical students wait
through training. Parents wait in hopes that the prodigal will return. We wait for what is
worth waiting for, and in the process we learn patience.
God, who is timeless, requires of us a mature faith that may involve delays that seem
like trials. Patience is one sign of that maturity, a quality that can develop only through
the passing of time.
Many prayers in the Bible come out of the act of waiting. Jacob waited 7 years for a wife
and then worked 7 more after being tricked by her father (Gen. 29:15-20). The Israelites
waited 4 centuries for deliverance; Moses waited 4 decades for the call to lead them, then
4 more decades for a Promised Land he would not enter.
“My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning,” wrote the psalmist
(Ps. 130:6 NIV). The picture comes to mind of a watchman counting the minutes for his
shift to be over.
I pray for the patience to endure times of trial, to keep anticipating, keep hoping, keep
believing. I pray for patience to be patient.


Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint. —Isaiah 40:31


God seldom does great things in a hurry.''

>>May 14, 2011 at 4:36:06 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 12 日 星期四 【晴】

:'(

i went to work today.. acting fine..
then after work i met with Miki and visited grandpa with parents..

i uploaded pics to facebook from the china trip.

i m not okay.

>>May 13, 2011 at 4:11:29 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

i m really upset today.. sigh..

it was really hard at work today. i got yelled and shouted by some unreasonable asshole.
it was like really really bad at the counter, i dont even know how to start here..
he even wrote down my name for complain. i was quite upset actually but i got more to
worry. i m thinking of him.. you know, i got nightmare again. i worry about him a lot..

i dont know... i cried on the train on the way home. i emailed him last night..
i dont know what to do without him.

i'll write more tmr...
i need to go to bed earlier.. gotta get up at 5 sth tmr.. work from 8 to 5..
i have been sleeping more but always get up with puffy eyes, i think i cried at night.
and i got nightmares, i dont know....

i m trying to act fine though..




And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

>>May 12, 2011 at 4:28:39 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 10 日 星期二 【晴】

:'(

i has nightmares last night again, really every nights now.

i'm.... really really worried. i got his email today.
i am worried about him. and i blamed myself why not checking emails earlier,
if i did, then he might be able to read my reply immediately. so stupid me.

at work, nothing special. the promotion finally ends. then... at my break time,
i sneaked out, i sit outside having my apple and bread for lunch. i wanted to stay alone.

please tell me what to do... please.....

>>May 11, 2011 at 4:08:09 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 9 日 星期一 【晴】

i went to work today..
very very tired... i got like 11 hrs sleep but not enough. i went to bed ard 11 sth?
i got up ard 10 15 am.... so fucking tired.

i guess i cried in my dreams last night.. i got up with puffy eyes but i didnt drink water
before sleep. i remember i had some nightmare last night and i also had some sweet
dreams as well. i dreamt of him again, every nights now.

i pretend to be okay, coz thats the only way i could keep my life going.
and i have to keep my life going so as to get income and pay for things in my life right now.
if i fall, everything is gonna end, my life would be end as well.
i have to pretend that i dont care, coz i have to act strong, even if i m just fooling myself,
i have to do that. coz i love him and i have to fight for him and myself right now..
i dont think other ppl would understand that, i dont know if he knows what i m doing,
i dont even understand myself sometimes why i have to choose this way, but it seems
to me thats the only thing i can do, and sometimes i dont know what i am doing too..
i dont know what to do, and i wanna ask what am i supposed to do? where am i
supposed to go? i want him, but it seems to me actually he doesnt really want me.
i m always available for him, but it seems not the same on his side. he doesnt seem to
want me. so, maybe i am just a waste, but what am i supposed to do when i cant
even tell what i am doing or the right and wrong.

dont cry, Cas.

dad mentioned hes interested in a cake from a shop. its the first time dad ever cared about
the birthday cake. he'd never cared anything for his bday, i think i m gonna get it for him.
i appreciate the love from my family especially from my parents. i had a good time with them
yesterday with the day trip. i always enjoy the time with my parents and family. although
it wasnt an excellent trip or i was having my concerns about him in my mind most of the time,
but i did enjoy it a lot. grandpa is dying, and i have been visiting him whenever i have time...
i just learn to cherish the time with my family and i do wanna spend more time with them,
and i wanna make them happy too. so... while i still could, i would do whatever i can to make
them happy. that cake might be pricy for me, but i d get it for dad. he's been busy with mom
to take care of grandpa. mom has been pretty tired too, they'd never complained, so i think
as the reward or support, this cake would be a pretty nice treat for them.

>>May 10, 2011 at 5:24:31 PM GMT+8