2011 年 4 月 16 日 星期六 【晴】

i didnt go to work today.
i called sick. i need to go to see the doctor later.
i m not particularly sick, i just need a day off today.
i dont know..

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hi... i couldnt sleep.

mom and i went to see the doctor today, but i didnt tell him the problem, but i will tell the
other one next time. then i bought lunch home, and watched tv, then i fell asleep.
i went to bed, took a nap, i was really exhausted. this morning, i got up and got ready
to work, before i left i just told mom i really didnt wanna work today, i really wanted to
stay home instead. i already packed lunch and had breakfast, but i just really didnt
want to go.

my sisters woke me up later, then got ready to have dinner with grandpa. he was really
bad these days, we arent sure when he's leaving us.
my dad said like, he's watching the old ppl dying one after one. like his uncles and aunts.
my grandma died many years ago actually, mom's side. so if grandpa dies, then mom
would have no more parents. and all my aunts and uncles wont get together as often
anymore. it would be a bit weird. but yea, when i was small, all the relatives used to
get together pretty often, at least 4 or 5 times a year. it was fun when i was a kid.
now when we are grown, then things changed a lot. we are all different ppl now.

i dont know how's honey doing now... i miss him. he told me he was gonna take some
tests this week. i know i cant be there, and i probably have brought him lots of pressure
already. i dont want him to feel like he owes me or he doesnt deserve me. but i cant
control everything, so.... i dont know. i cant control what he thinks, cant tell him what
to do. i just know i want him well and i want him happy. but i m very useless, i cant
help him and i cant do anything. i find myself really useless.

1:50 am

>>April 17, 2011 at 5:52:01 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 15 日 星期五 【晴】

i feel like i m dying.
so exhausted.. both my body and my thinking.

got training this morning, i bought myself a sandwich and coffee at Pret a Manger this morning.
training was okay, lots of games and i think they just want us to build team spirit.
after training, then had lunch with them then worked.......... so fucking tired.

the package should be there already. i hope he'll like it.

i miss him, i cried on the bus tonight just now.
i wonder why not just take away my life, then i dont have to deal with these.
i thought of him, i thought of the days when we were there. i thought of things in japan.
i thought of so many things, they are just like the flash back.

its like......... what happened to us now? what happened to our live now?
shall we just keep things simple, or can we just go back to the past?
i rather have my freedom back, i mean those days back in van with him.
i rather go back to the past. at least i could see him smile, at least i know he enjoyed
the time he could have with his friends, the food and the other things there.
but if it's not what he actually wanted, what could i do or what can i say?
i was happy for him to start his new life in japan, coz i thought that's what he wanted
and he could achieve it. and right now he's facing so many problems there but i couldnt
help. i was the baggage to him, and right now i m nothing, i'm nothing to him.

i'm very tired.. i dont know what to do. its like i love him and i couldnt let go, but...
i m not sure if he wants me, maybe not. so, that was the last hug that we had, that one
at the bus stop in japan. so that was our last kiss, when was it? when we were at the
airport in van last year. so that's the last time we slept together, when was that?
i couldnt even remember. so, i woulldnt see him smile again? so, if everything was end then
they ended when i didnt even know when? what the fuck is wrong with me now?
please dont do that to me.










what we used to dream of now its gone. you left, i stayed.
while you had to choose between you and me, you chose yourself.
you love yourself more than me.
you can find all the faces in the pictures, they all used to be your fav.

i m still here, but you go back to your memory. you told me i loved you too much,
you were suffocated. you worried it would never be good, coz love would fade in a min.
you said separating 'd be the best way to let you think more.
what about the things i wanted? could you give me what i need too?

you said i gave you too much, but you cant give me nothing.
you couldnt tell if we were in lust, promise, forever, or lost.
our love is the wound, it's our wound.
silence is the last gift i have for you, the gentle sense of touch, coz i really love you.

i know love is never easy. its not like a formula, not always could get the answer as
easy as 1 + 1.

jealousy, sweetness, cuteness, tears, you can see all the evidence of love in our pics.
the tears on my face is still warm, but you're not longer holding my hands now.

you said i loved you too much, you are suffocating and sinking.
you worry love wouldnt last long. leaving me would set you free, you could reconsider
if you could give me our future.

you said i gave in too much, but you couldnt give me anything.
you couldnt tell if we were just lust or promise, if we would last or be always confused.
our love hurt us, and it stays as the wound. if silence is the only thing i could give you,
that only coz i love you too much.



>>April 16, 2011 at 4:36:29 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 14 日 星期四 【晴】

:'(

i couldnt sleep last night... i cried...................
sigh....

i got up early this morning, i went jogging before work. it was alright...
then came home shower, got ready, had breakfast then go to work.
i dont like going to work..

i miss him...
i got his email at work... i wanted to cry, but i couldnt... but still i replied him..
i love him. i want him well. i just know that as a couple, they would stick together to
get through problems, live together, grow together, coz they love each others
and they wont leave each others. its unconditional, its love. he deserves me.

work was boring as usual.. and my eating problem is still bugging me.
tmr got training... from 9 am to 1 pm, then i work from 1 to 10 pm. its bs...

>>April 15, 2011 at 5:12:41 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 13 日 星期三 【晴】

my heart aches.






i start to hate my life.
what am i gonna do?

i wanna go exercise tmr morning before work. i think i need some serious exercise.
but i dont wanna drop by the gym yet, coz i hate the staffs there, they keep bothering me.
i just want them to leave me alone. but they dont since i dont join their program. i hate
all the bs they put me through. fucking hate that shit. they make me so uncomfortable to
go there.

i dont want to go to work...

i have been thinking of him, i cant stop thinking of him.

i went to the post office this afternoon during lunch. then afterwork, i took ferry to TST,
drop by the Uniqlo, didnt buy anything, then took bus home. it was peaceful on the ferry.
i cried. i just miss him too much.

i havent been happy for..... a really long time already.
i dont expect ppl to understand me, i dont expect ppl to understand things about me.

and i cant. look at me, i m so ugly. my diet is so messed up coz of my job coz of my mood.
i m fat and ugly. and the medicine i took in the past 2 months just made me feel even worse.
i need to relax. this is enough. i m stopping all the medicine and shit. i m easily tired, i m
moody, i m easily hungry when i dont need to eat. i eat then i regret. its so terrible.
i sweat then i feel cold, then i feel hot and then cold again. my heart beat fast, then i feel
dizzy, and if i dont eat then i feel so out of energy, but i shouldnt need to eat.
my body hurts, i feel so shitty, i cant do it anymore. then i have to go to work, but my heart
is miss him. and there're problems that i cant help or solve. i dont know what to do, and i m
upset. and i cant rest well. it just... so difficult, so difficult there, and i dont feel good here.
i cant give up though, i should try to get going with my life here, i dont know..
i seriously dont know.

>>April 14, 2011 at 3:39:46 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 12 日 星期二 【晴】

hi... :'(

what should i do?

i m so tired..... i had the early shift this morning.
when will my life become a bit more peaceful?

i had nightmares last night, i didnt really sleep actually. i went to bed late, couldnt sleep.
i cried, i cried myself to sleep.. then kept having weird dreams, kept waking up,
then got up at 5 20 am, then got ready to work..

i bumped into Tung again at the train station. so funny, the sec time this month already.

my back is killing me today, and i m soooooooo tired that i dont wanna get out from bed.
sigh...

anyway, i got his email, :'( but i couldnt really reply when i was at work.
cant really be emotional, so... i have to suck it. i m not sure what i'm gonna do actually.
i wanna see him soon again, i miss him so much...

so even if i might be able to help, i shouldnt help. i respect that but its hard.

anyway, i will go to the post office tmr during my lunch break.. but i dont wanna go to work tmr.
i got the feeling that i need to do the report in the morning. i hate it.

>>April 13, 2011 at 4:15:21 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 11 日 星期一 【晴】

i dreamt last night, the first part was kind of sweet i dreamt of him, but then it turned into
nightmare, coz i dreamt that the radiation plant exploded, then i was closing the windows,
and i breathed in those dust. then i was chocking and dying. then i woke up.
i got up for awhile, then i went back to sleep, i kept dreaming.

at the end, i got up late, then had lunch with mom and Leggy, my treat. mom's bday
yesterday and i bought her lunch too. but last night, she and dad were fighting over sth
small, i was kind of pissed off at mom actually. anyway... after lunch, we went to visit
grandpa... stayed there for awhile, he's getting worse. then, we went to Sha Tin..
i was looking ard to see if i can get something for honey.

i havent seen him on line for awhile already. i miss him so much and i start to worry.

tmr, i need to go to work, i have the early morning shift, shit.
but after work, i would do more shopping then i will send the package on Thurs.
i dont wanna go back to work, i wanna stay home with my family. i feel so lonely,
i feel so terrible everyday. i dont wanna go anywhere i dont wanna work.

mom was talking with me about working for dad's boss. i dont know... if honey goes back
to Van, yea i would go work for dad's boss. if honey doesnt, then i dont wanna be in Van
by myself. it's gonna be so difficult for me.

i dont know what i'm gonna do.. i have no mood to do anything actually.
i wanna update my resume, but i still havent done it. i wanna go for a haircut but i havent.
i wanna do lots of things but i have no mood or energy to do them..
somehow its like... i m lost when he's not around or if i cant talk with him.

i miss him so much...


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Tell me where am I supposed to go?
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see just what I see.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

You say I look fine, if only you knew what's on my mind.
You'd see a whole different sign, I couldn't show you even if I tried.
I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.

Some say I'm out of sight, how ironic and that we're all so blind.
If you could open up your eyes, you could see what I couldn't describe.
And then, you'd see the signs, and then your soul would be set free, and then you'd be released.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

Tell me where am I supposed to go.
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see. (Hey)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

And I'm terrified, like I've seen a UFO.
Cause everything ain't what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more.
There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

>>April 12, 2011 at 5:33:16 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 10 日 星期日 【晴】

happy birthday to mom,
but i m not very happy actually...

i worry about him, but there isnt much i can do. i dont want to do that business again,
but i wonder if that's the only thing i can do or how i m gonna do it here.

i went out with mom for a bit this afternoon, then i came home watching a movie, ''Up''.
it was a nice movie, i mean i like the story and the picture.

i m gonna fix my resume tonight, then send to cathay.
and... tmr........ i dont know, i wanna just go for a coffee, then rest, and visit grandpa..

dad told me sth just now, his boss wants to see me in July for his new business..
he wants to open a restaurant in Van for his daughter, and he wants me to helps him
run it, and i will get commission from it. i dont know if i'd be interested, though i always
want to have a bakery or a cafe when i got old. but right now i still dont know what i'm
gonna do actually. i wanna go back to school, i wanna be a flight attendant, i wanna
be a teacher, i wanna stay with him, so..... i dont know.. and i wanna tell him about
this news too. i wanna talk with him. but i havent seen him on line for a few days already.


brb... need to help mom with dinnner.

>>April 11, 2011 at 1:18:57 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 9 日 星期六 【晴】

hi...

i'm so tired...
i had only 4 hrs sleep last night, got up ard 6 sth am... so tired...
i had finished the medicines already. next time when i go to see that doctor, i need to tell
her the problems i have with it.

work sucks, dont like the customers, and i don let them fool me around.
i tell them what to do, what i could offer. i m always being assertive to them now instead
of serving them like their servant. i m still polite and nice to them, just that i dont like those
bitches and assholes take adv on me. if they are being rude, i just dont even greet or talk to
them. lots of ppl just throw their receipt to us and stare at us to wait for their free parking
ticket. then i usually just dont even talk to them, do the ticket and put it on the counter top.
they grab it then go. there's no verbal communication at all. its like obviously they think
they dont need to greet ppl who serve them. and for me thats fine, that means i dont need
to say hi or remind them about the ticket. if they dont talk to me, i dont talk to them.

like this morning, some lady wanted to borrow a stroller for her child, and she was like 5 y.o.
already. i gave her a weird look, and she felt uncomfortable. i said if you wouldnt mind i
would lend it to you, but i m not sure if her child would feel comfortable or fit in it. then
she knew what i meant but she was yelling at me like oh another shopping mall just
landed her the same size stroller yesterday. i said to her, ''oh, so you dont mind at all.
there you go, you have to fill the form for me before you go.'' i didnt look at her when i spoke to
her. she was embarrassed when she left, then when she returned it, she was much more
polite to us. some ppl are just like that. and when i met normal customers or nice ppl,
i m just being very nice to them. i would chat with them and give them nice suggestions,
help them to get all the info they need.

some hk ppl they just think they are smart and rich and they deserve all the best..
but actually, they suck.

*H resigned already. well, i have nothing to say but good luck to him.
then i bumped into *LL another day. he's just weird. he stopped me, and apologized to me.
i was like why apologize. then he said coz he thought i heard him swearing when he was
talking with his fellows. i was like really? i didnt even notice anything. i told him it didnt really
matter. then he said he shouldnt let me hear that. i was like oh he worried too much.
i'm just wondering even if i heard him, that's nothing really matters.

Henry was pissing me off last night. i m really not in mood to talk. for me, his life is like so
lucky. he'd never need to worry about food, home, money, or job. he'd never know
what hungry means, what poor means. he kept showing off to ppl when he doesnt know.
and i m so sick of ppl like that. he was basically seeking sympathy from me and wanted
me to say something to agree with him. its like.... why would i do that?
he has a wonderful life, and he is telling me he's not happy and his life is terrible,
he has this party to go, that meeting blah blah... i told him if his problems arent something
cant be solved then they are not real problems. coz in this world, much more ppl are
suffering from REAL PROBLEMS, not like him. and he was arguing with me that then
i should go help all the ppl in need. i told him if i have the ability i might, good night.
he bullshit a lot then he said he had no comment. i told him he had already made his
comment, then i just blocked him. good for him if he couldnt sleep last night. he deserved it.
and once he posted a mesg on facebook like how much he has donated to the haiti.
i hate ppl like that. just fuck off.

i bought the supplement from ebay for him, and it was very expensive. but then i got
his email this morning that he wouldnt want it coz it's fake. i didnt reply him coz i had
nothing to say. he knew i was searching it on line, if he didnt want it from the online store,
why didnt he just tell me? i spent a few days to find it, and i even told him i couldnt
order it from amazon before. i'm a bit unhappy about it coz i couldnt cancel the order
and i cant get it refunded coz if i do, it'd be the sec time i do refund with my credit card.
and i m trying to separate my bill into months. so... i m gonna waste the money now.
wel, it's my problem though, why should i try to get that supplement for him on line?
obviously i dont do that for myself. why should i trust that might work?
i wanna send him a package by Tue.. i havent talked with him for a few days now.
i guess there're not much i can do actually. i dont know what to do.

mom's bday tmr... and i have 2 days off. i m trying to plan for this short break.
i wanna rest and relax, but i also need to do my resume and send to cathay pacific.
i wanna do some shopping then send the package. then i also wanna go to some
island or country side, just go somewhere peaceful to relax. i wanna go exercise
or go to the library as well. but everywhere is soooo crowed. the commute is
horrible. on my day off, i usually dont go out at all, i stay in tai po, still busy but
at least not as crazy as the other areas. but if i send the package, i wanna go to
the general post office, which is just 2 mins walk from my work place.. coz the
service there is much faster...







>>April 10, 2011 at 4:57:03 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 8 日 星期五 【晴】

i'm looking forward to my break.
i m so tired, getting sick and tired of my job. its so boring and meaningless.
then, the medicine i have been taking is really bothering me, i need to report it to my doctor.

i dont know if he's angry at me or what, he's not talking to me now.
maybe coz i was late? i dont know.. i had morning shift, then i had dinner with *F.
i just emailed him...

i should go to bed first..

>>April 9, 2011 at 6:40:35 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 7 日 星期四 【晴】

:'(

i'm so tired.. i'm scared...
i dont know what to do...

>>April 8, 2011 at 4:31:33 PM GMT+8