2011 年 5 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

hi...

i m so tired today.. i got up very early this morning, ard 5 30 am..
had a day trip to China with my parents. it was okay. but i dont think i'd stay there.
for a short trip would be okay, but the place is dirty, ppl are nice but loud... no...
met his boss and shit there. then saw some relatives in the village too. had lunch with them.
then yea, went to the Guan Zhou tower with my parents. it was okay.
it reminds me of him though....... i couldnt stop thinking of him actually.
i wish i could have more day off. i think if i m quitting my job, the main reason would be
about not having enough holidays and the working hrs is too long.

mom asked about him, i didnt wanna say much... not that i m not proud of him or anything,
just simply i dont know how he's doing. then, when i met dad's boss today, he asked me
about going to Van to work with his daughter. i m thinking about that.. i dont wanna be
in Van alone, i wouldnt want to deal with the memories if he wont be there.
my life is completely different now, i dont wanna imagine if i could handle more by myself.

i miss him so much..

>>May 9, 2011 at 3:27:37 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 7 日 星期六 【晴】

happy mother's day..

i dreamt of him last night... i miss him so much omg..

anyway, i went back to work today..
the girls showed me attitude. not seriously but their faces were bitchy and things.
i dont know, i cant do anything. and then *Me talked with me, asking why i have been
taking sick leaves, and the manager asked her about that. i told her i was sick and i had
the doctor notes as well. i didnt wanna be sick but i was sick. she asked me to be careful
and she said i should take good care of myself... well, basically that's a warning.
i dont understand why ppl cant just be direct instead, why implying things when there
s not necessary. like the girls, if they want they could talk with me, instead of hiding it
and pretending nothng but showing attitude. i dont play that game. i talked with *L,
he was fine. like... i dont understand why girls have to be bitchy so often. so often.
the customers, the assholes arent that much, but we do see so many bitches everyday.
anyway, i dont know... i cant care much.

i bought a pair of ear rings for mom..
then tmr, i m going to china with my parents.

sigh.. i miss him so much... i still dont know what i can do or should do... i wanna see him.












>>May 8, 2011 at 5:19:10 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 7 日 星期六 【晴】

i took a sick leave today..
i was really tired, and i kept coughing, so.... no... i didnt go to work.
i think the girls might be very pissed off, but.... i cant care much.
i dont have mood to work actually, and i cant stand the traffic and the ppl.

i went to the doctor, then had lunch with my family, did some grocery shopping, then
went to visit grandpa. i went to the hospice last night after work too.. he looked
different from last night. he's getting worse and it's too obvious.

i miss honey, and i dont know what to do. i hope things would get back to normal soon..
sigh.. but i dreamt of his last night... i dreamt that i questioned him.. i dreamt that i told
him i loved him, and he said he loved me too. i saw us kissing in the dream.

today at the hospice. someone just died. i saw that lady crying, then i thought of
myself. i cried like hell before. and lately coz of grandpa, i see my aunts more often.
somehow i do wonder about the past, when i was a kid, everything was so wonderful
and exciting for me. now i m an adult, need to deal with jobs and shits and other things,
and they are getting old, including my parents. i wonder what it would be like when
i become older, and my parents would be old... i would be so lonely, yea?
i dont know... right now i just worry a lot which is so heavy for me.

i miss honey.. i miss him sooo much. not coz of anything, just simply miss him so much.
i do love him still, and i dont know what he thinks about me or us these days..
i do love him. i havent let go of him yet. i know i havent.

>>May 7, 2011 at 4:57:00 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】

i miss him.





i was pretty sick at work today, but i just wanted to stay alone..
i didnt meet them for lunch today, i went to the pier instead.
i hate working.. i hate going to work, i hate the traffic and the ppl.

sometimes i do wonder maybe he actually doesnt love me anymore..
see what happened when i was in Japan, see what's been going on...
i just think that there is someone else he's happier to be with. for what another person
cant fulfill him, i couldnt neither. i m useless, i cant help with anything, i cant help with the
housework, i cant help taking care of his dogs or business. for what another person can do,
i cant. so... in the daily life, i m someone extra. why should he be with me thats the question
i m asking myself. i dont know if i m silly or whatever, if i should think this way or shouldnt.
i dont wanna think about it, i just know if he loves me, he would let me know, not just
telling me, he would show me, he should do something to show me. but if he doesnt,
why should i push myself to him then.. i worry i m only living in my own dream as he
described lots of girls.

i worry i dont know where i should go, what i should do...
i worry i dont belong to anywhere or anyone actually.
i worry about him, i miss him.


----


We can learn from the ant. When God gives us times of plenty, we can prepare for times
when resources may be low. God is the provider of all that we have, including our ability
to work. We are to work diligently, be wise stewards of what He has provided, and then
rest in the promise of His care (Matt. 6:25-34).
Let’s remember Solomon’s advice: “Go to the ant . . . . Con-sider her ways and be wise”
(Prov. 6:6).


The humble ant’s keen industry
Can teach us all a lesson,
If in creation we will see
God’s classroom is in session. —Gustafson


Trust God for today—and prepare for tomorrow.

>>May 6, 2011 at 4:57:13 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 4 日 星期三 【晴】

hello....
honey finally mesged back. thanks god...
yes, i got his email when i got home from work tonight..

i couldnt sleep last night.. i cried in bed again... i slept for 3 hrs only.

you know... i find it so difficult.
i need to do whatever so as to distract myself. whenever i m alone, i cry.
i dont dare to touch the memories of us. i have to do whatever to keep myself in sane.
i have to get going with myself, to stay alive. i cant die, i cant let my family down.
i have two sisters watching me, my parents and my family love me. i have to go to work,
so that i could have income to get my life going. the pain of the cry is much worse
than just heart broken. its like it takes away all my control of my body.
i have to pretend to be fine, even fooling myself to force myself to believe it.
i know deep down i m not fine, but if i dont fool myself, i cant even face anyone.

i went to the bank this afternoon, then after work, i walked ard and did some shopping.
i havent done any shopping for myself since a while already. i just want some new
clothes or buy something to make myself slightly happier.

i kindda feel like i m back on my own feet now.. i dont know where to go what to do...
but at least, i should take care of myself.... i tried to......... act normal.
started talking with friends again, try to meet up with ppl, just to occupy my time..




''Lord, help me live a godly life
Of faith and love and purity
So those who watch my life will see
Reflections of Your work in me. —Sper


The most powerful testimony is a godly life.''

>>May 4, 2011 at 4:59:45 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 2 日 星期一 【晴】

where is he?

i'm still coughing pretty bad.. i cough in the morning and night.. it's just bugging me lots..
but then, i know comparing to his situation, mine is just nothing.

i was off today, i got up pretty late, ard 1 sth pm... i couldnt sleep last night.. i cried in bed..

i got up late, then had lunch with Miki, and went to visit grandpa... he is really bad.
i guess he's gonna leave soon.

back home resting... i usually just hang out with my family on my day off, i dont really
wanna do much..... i want him but he's gone... i have no ideas where he is, dont know
where he went, dont know how he is.... i really miss him so much.. i want to see him..
i dont know what to do..

>>May 3, 2011 at 5:04:05 PM GMT+8

2011 年 5 月 1 日 星期日 【晴】

i'd never tried this kind of pain before...
never felt as pain before..
its like... my whole body, inside and outside were curling together, burning and powerless.
i'd never felt this kind of pain before. i was heart broken before, but this time is like
far more powerful than just heart broken. its like it took away all my energy, i was helpless
when i cried, that kind of helpless is like lost all of the control of my body.

i tried not to think about it, i tried to escape. i pretend to be normal and fine.
but i'm just covering it up. inside i'm burning. i could cry anytime within 2 seconds.
i m doing all the things to distract myself from thinking about it.
but when i m alone, where there's no one beside me, it just comes.

where is he now? i sms him today but he didnt reply. i emailed him but he didnt reply.
he's like.... gone. i felt much worse than long time ago when my ex left in silence.
now, i just kindda believe that maybe its my fate. the ppl i love would always leave me
in the end. for all kinds of reasons, they would leave. maybe i m meant to be alone.

i cant thinking about my future without him. i cant..
i dont dare to touch the memories we have had together, those in Van or in Japan.
i m scared and terrified to do anything or think of him.
its like my life has come to the end. i wonder if my death would make everything right,
please take away my life. if i die then everything would be fine, then i would like to die.
please take away the pain from him from the people i love, lets exchange it with my life.
take away my life, and set them free.

>>May 2, 2011 at 5:39:28 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 30 日 星期六 【晴】

where are you?





You don't like it in the shadows. You won't let me shine a light.
I would wash away your troubles, but it seems -
the more that I hold on, the more that you let go.
And I know You better let somebody love you, or find yourself on your own.

Tell me why all the best laid plans, fall apart in your hands,
and my good intentions never end the way I meant.

If we don't talk about the future, then should I just follow you into dark?
Yeah - and does your silence keep you cool, while the cracks form on my heart?

Tell me why all the best laid plans fall apart in your hands,
And my good intentions never end the way I meant

It seems to me some fine friends who watched you turn your back
It seemed you only want the things, that you can't have.
Tell me why all the best laid plans, fall apart in your hands,
And my good intentions never end the way I meant...


------

*K said... ''you dont know what you're doing till you stop doing it.''
then i asked... '' so, what'd happen next?''
*K said... ''the next'd just happen.''
i asked, ''can we choose not to let it happen then?''

i can try to pretend i 'm fine but i m not fine.
where is he?
i'm crying everyday, where is he? how is he?

>>May 1, 2011 at 4:55:25 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 29 日 星期五 【晴】

:'(

hi.... i couldnt stop thinking of him..
where's he now? is he gone?


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lots of bitches and assholes at work today.
there were 5 of them today at different times, a few more yesterday.
its just fucking crazy. sometimes i couldnt stand them i just signaled them to leave.
some of them were just pure dumb, some were so fucking rude. i got yelled for no
reasons, i got scolded for no reasons. sometimes i just laughed at them in their face
at the end. i wasnt the one being rude at first and i always try to be nice and helpful to
everyone approaching me. if they are not appreciating my efforts and the resources
the company is giving them for free, they dont respect us or themselves, then why
should i care how they feel. i just feel like i m doing my job, wether you like it or not,
you should leave me alone anyway. piss off. i dont act rude to ask them to leave, i
just need to be a bit sarcastic or use my facial expression to let them know they are
being jerks then they know they should leave. coz if they dont, they'd lose their faces.
if they dont mind losing face, then why should i care, i m already on the right side.


------------------

i try to pretend i m fine... but i know i am not..
when i m alone, i cry. its nobody's fault. not anyone's fault.
what's happening today is not what i want, not what he wants, its no one's fault.
i dont blame him or anyone, i totally dont. if i should blame, i should blame myself
why not i didnt think of the possibilities before, why didnt i stop him.
or simply why couldnt i make more money before, why? why did i let him go to japan?
i couldnt control him, and i cant control what happened. i try my best to do everything
i could, but i cant help. if he's gone now, that means i cant save him.
i dont know if he would blame me in his heart actually, but i just know.... there are
plenty of choices, but none was perfect, and he chose the way he's going now..
i dont wanna go separate ways ... i cant tell myself i'm on my own now..
i dont wanna tell myself i m all by myself. for the past, i have to live with it myself,
for now i m on my own, for future he'll no longer be there for me... i m scared.
i m really scared. i try to convince myself i couldnt fall now coz i need to be strong..
but i m actually terrified inside.

i m terrified.

i dont care if i need to put on mask to go through my day, i just know inside i m crying
and bleeding. i m hurt and terrified. i m shaking. i m fragile, just that close to break down.

i cant stop thinking of him and the things between us.

what's he doing now? where is he?

>>April 30, 2011 at 5:14:29 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 28 日 星期四 【晴】

i got up with puffy eyes today.. i cried last night when i went to bed.....
it's 29th today.

work was busy, i tried to get myself occupied and pretended to be okay.
*H asked me lots of ques today, he said like he hasnt talked with me for a while already.
he said i looked sad, if i was still very sick or i had some issues bugging me.
i hate him asking like that. i told him i was still sick, and asked him what he meant by
i had issues, he said like psychological things if i was unhappy and stuffs. i told him
of course i was a bit ''not happy'' coz its been so many things happened and i was sick
for a few days. he asked me why upset. i asked him why not, since everyone has
their own problems to worry, why surprised. he went silent. then he asked a bunch
of ques again, i was like... for god sake he's not gonna stop, and i dont min ppl caring
for me but obviously ppl who gossip they dont just care about me, they want news
and new topic to gossip about. he asked me how's my bf. i told him same same.
he asked me still the same? i said yea. and i dont talk about personal life at work anymore
these days. then he went silent for awhile again. then he asked again what i meant
by the same. i asked him back, then we changed topic talking about his gf and he
asked me what kinds of guys i like. i told him a bunch of things that i dont like instead.
he said if i didnt get my emotion out then sooner i would get depression. i looked at
him then i told him no. its not, i just didnt talk about that at work anymore. he said i looked
depressed. i said yea yea yea, i was tired, whatever. he's trying to get me talking,
but the thing is..... why should i tell him? leave me a lone, i dont wanna talk anything deep.
he's leaving soon. i dont know if it's good or bad. we are running out of ppl anyway.

i talked with Ivy for a while today.. i told her i m very tired and i m scared.
i dont know what to do, i m thinking a lot and i cant do anything. i heard her bitching about
her bf. hummm... i wish i have the chance to live with my bf though.
i seriously dont know what to do actually. i m... terrified inside. i cant picture my life
without him. i dont want him to walk out from me. i dont. but i still havent got his reply yet..
i just emailed him again just now... i miss him so much.. and i prayed...
i hope everything is gonna be fine soon, please.

Cas... what are you gonna do?
dont cry... you need to stay strong... you cant fall right now. you cant.
you need to have faith.

>>April 30, 2011 at 1:26:44 AM GMT+8