2010 年 11 月 1 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

i got up ard 1 pm today... its a bit crazy... i got like 11 hrs sleep.
i was so dead. i only have 1 day off, and the best thing for the day off is sleep.
then, i had lunch with my family, but Miki didnt come. i m always happy to have the family time.
so.. i always try to request my day off on Mon or Tue. coz... Miki and Leggy are usually free
on Mon and Tue.

then i came home resting till ard 6... then i went to Ching Ching's home. omg... she is having
her exams so soon. and the thing is.... she cant concentrate well. she's always so tired.
her mom talked with me today, i think she isnt very happy about Ching Ching's performance.
she is very demanding.. and of course somehow she is asking me to change my way or
whatever that can help her daughter. i feel so sorry for Ching Ching actually. coz...
she seems like always living in the high stress environment. her granny is always yelling
at their maid, then she's always complaining about Ching Ching. sigh. i would make some
changes, see if that would be better for her then.

tomorrow i would go to the gym, then go to work at 1 pm. damn.. i d need to think about
either doing my make up at work or at the gym. i m definitely having a shower there.
i need to pack lunch for tomorrow... i'd bring oat meal and banana. i have some blue
berries in the fridge i almost forgot about it... hummm.... sometimes i wanna eat with my
team mates, coz we could chat and joke around.. but then.... i wanna have healthy food
and save money instead. so..... yup, i should stick with my plan.

*L called me, he asked me if i would go karaoke with them on the 15th. i told him i would
have tutoring although i d be off that day. i kindda rejected him. but then he kept asking me
to go... hummm.. i dont know, 4 ppl are confirmed going.. but then of course, coz they
are all on the early shift. i dont know if i m going. i dont wanna go all the way there on
my day off. i sort of wondering why he would pick that day and keep asking me to go.
coz the thing is..... yea i remember last time *C, *F, *L and i went for a drink after work,
and at that time *L wanted karaoke and *C agreed with him. but then this time, *L didnt
pick the date *C can go but asking me to go with him. so.... i dont know. neither *F or
*C is going.. why he picks that day then?

i need to save money. i really have to.

but then today i did some shopping :) not for myself.... i bought some stuffs for honey.
i m late actually. coz i was thinking to send in Oct, but i couldnt.. so.. now i need to do
that first. and actually i would need to start doing the christmas thing at the end of this
month. coz i need to post in the early Dec. christmas again... time flies.. remembrance
day is coming next week. the poppy appeal! haha... i do remember that, i do.
i wonder what about honey's poppy flowers now..

>>November 2, 2010 at 5:33:04 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 31 日 星期日 【晴】

hello..

i couldnt write the diary last night.. i was really exhausted.
finally, i have finished my 6 days shift, so i could have a day off tomorrow.
but then of course its not a real day off, coz i m going to have tutoring tomorrow night.
Ching Ching is confirmed, but Ms. Cheng is still missing. cant contact her. sigh!

i have been falling asleep on train.. i m so tired each day, so tired.
yesterday i bought a pair of sneakers, special price, very cheap... then i need to buy
a small lock, then i m going to gym on Wed before work. today i bought a dress for the
wedding dinner i m going to... i dont wanna buy a jacket my for old purple dress..
so, i buy a new dress instead with a lower price. i still can wear the old coat with the
purple dress, but not the best mach. but anyway, i dont wanna spend too much on
clothes or things like that. i need to save money.. and this month i cant save much, coz
i have to pay the gym and also have 2 wedding dinners to go... and then... i should
give some money to my parents, i wanna return money to them. i still havent done the
expenses calculation. i wanna go to the bank either tomorrow or within this week
whenever i m free. i wanna ask about the credit card thing. i wanna apply for one.
coz i would need a new lap top soon and i wanna pay by credit card instead.

its a little crazy at work these two days... they are doing appraisal now. and then...
i wont have it but my probation review. i know my team mates dont get very high scores..
so, for me.... if they cant get good grade then i m gonna be much worse..
i met *H yesterday... he told me i m getting better now. thanks.

actually... today hk time is Nov 1, i flew to Van last year at night on the Oct 31 2009...
now its 1 am, so ard 10 am there... and now its about the time i landed and honey was
waiting for me at the airport. then we also stopped by the SaveOnFood, we bought
some food and candies... it was Halloween. we kissed in the store. i remember that.
he asked me to massage him once i got there after shower and he said i had to make
up for the past months i wasnt there, haha :).. anyway i was surprised he let me stay
in the pink room. ha...

everytime when i think of last year, then...... its like.... the flash back of our story.
how i felt at the first place, how i quitted my jobs in hk, how i packed my baggages and
left... when i got there, i was looking forward to seeing him while waiting at the custom..
and i was nervous, a bit sad to leave home, but still.... looking forward to be there again.
feelings were very different from before, but then i still loved him so much thats all i knew.

and today at work, i do think of him lots... i dont know... i would go to Japan for sure.
hope to see him soon.. maybe in Jan or Feb or March?

i m falling asleep... i should go to bed...

>>November 1, 2010 at 5:46:00 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 29 日 星期五 【晴】

sick....
i wanted to puke at work this morning..

i got up late again, super rushed.
today at work.... hummmmm no.... i guess i start to realize there's no real friend or enemy
at work. unless you really know someone very very well, otherwise there really isnt
anyone you can count on completely. for me, right now its just complicated... i mean...
as in..... you'd never know who is on your side or not on your side. i think i would not
care about these stuffs as much anymore. its just nothing, and doesnt mean anything.
if they are nice ppl, time would show. just dont really wanna be bothered about stuffs
like that anymore.

today i didnt recognized the vip's wife. she was talking with me twice at the concierge.
so.... if she is not happy about me, then my manager is gonna talk to me about it..............
hopefully she wouldnt make any complain... but hk rich ppl love complaining for
everything, every small things. so.......................... hummm..
but then something happened at the washroom today, and by chance i just finished,
then.... i helped that lady in the washroom. she was fainting. after she got better,
she wrote some compliment for us. i was flattered. its not really about me, i didnt do much
actually. but i m glad that she is fine now and she had a good experience in our mall.
i dont like to act extra nice when VIP or the bosses are around.. for me it's like...
you should always do your job well coz that's your profession. i dont like to kiss
my boss's ass as well. in fact, i hate ppl doing that. i rather just keep things in natural.
i pay extra attention when they are around, coz i worry i would make any mistakes,
but i just dont like to pretend to be someone else while they are around.

anyway.... i have been really busy... and still thinking about how to budget my
expenses and income. i m thinking to take 1 more student to balance out. i dont know
if i can handle it... but then yea, i really wanna do some serious calculation, then i would
need to go to the bank for applying a credit card.. then also... i need to figure out
how i m gonna buy a new lap top, mine is gonne be dead shortly... so.... i m thinking..
what kind of computer i would need and how much i have to spend each month.
i m having a headache now. coz i wanna get my credit card so i can pay monthly.
but if i cant apply one, then i would have to ask my dad for help. i dont really wanna
do that though. so... i dont know. and... i m very busy this week... hopefully i can
get everything done.

i m worried that tomorrow i couldnt get up. i felt sick this morning at work.. i wanted
to come home actually.. but then.... i stayed. but yea... i dont know if it's coz i was
too tired or what was that.... i wanted to puke.

we just had a very late dinner just now, and i m so full right now. i dont wanna go to
bed but i m really exhausted already. we finished dinner at 12 am, i dont know why
we would have hot pot at 10 tonight.

what about honey? i was late to come on line tonight, i saw him went off line..
but then i saw him on again but he doesnt reply me.. anyway i really need to go to
bed first. i m dying.

>>October 30, 2010 at 6:03:26 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 28 日 星期四 【晴】

i over slept this morning...
washed up, did my make up, didnt curl my hair, changed, then make my lunch and coffee..
then just ran to the train station... my coffee kept spilling from my mug.
i was kindda messy this morning, i missed my watch, and i need my watch everyday.
i m the type of person who would keep checking the time when i m out especially to work.

today we had a small meeting at work... hummmmm *H shared something at the meeting.
i was a bit surprised, but thanks him anyway. i should thank him. hummm hes a weird
supervisor, but still i do appreciate whoever teaches me new stuffs. coz i suck.
i know i do and i dont know why i m always so scared and get into troubles. *Mn said
i shouldnt worry too much.. *My said the same. well, i dont like myself being in this kind
of situation but i couldnt change much yet, i m very slow. maybe i expect too much
from myself, but i do have expectation for myself, so.... i dont know..
when i was at the S. concierge today, *R Lee came to me and told me he's been reading
my facebook profile and the mesgs on my wall. i was like..... o..kay... thanks.....
i didnt know what to say then he walked back to his place. its just.... strange.

tonight Ms. Cheng canceled the tutoring. so i only had one session with Ching Ching.
hummmmmmmmmmmmmm i dont like her keep canceling. coz it used to be twice a week,
now these days are always once a week or maybe once in two weeks. its not good for
me in the financial wise. i need the stable income from my tutorials. i m really tired...

i confirmed today with the gym about my first date there. they would have a briefing
for me or something. i actually really hate them pushing me to join different packages.
i dont want them, and i hate the way they do business. its so terrible.

sometimes i do miss him so much, so much that i wish he could be just next to me.
sometimes i m craving about him. sometimes i cry just coz i miss him too much.
ahhhhhh.... i need to plan my budget well, and see what we can do next.
really wanna start planing now, coz... its really close to Dec, and i need to settle
down everything before Dec, and start planning for the coming months..
what about the money, what about my probation review, what about if i join some
language or first aid course after passing my probation. then need to apply for
my annual leave, i wanna visit honey. but then firstly need to fix my budget plan.

i have got my Nov schedule already. its a little crazy. i just finished planning for the
tutoring sessions for Ching Ching, she's having exam in Nov. then with Ms. Cheng...
i need to re-confirm with her every week... then for the gym, twice a week.. all set.
then also... need to go to two wedding dinners, and will have a family night out...
its just busy busy... somehow i hope to get my schedule all occupied, then i wouldnt
have too much time to upset myself. i know this is silly and wont work at all..
still, i dont wanna feel lonely although i am pretty lonely while missing him.

i should go get some sleep first........ 9 am to 6 pm tomorrow.... need to get up ard 6 am.
omg..

>>October 29, 2010 at 5:08:21 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】

i just lost my entry here. i finished typing and wanna save it, then the safari got problem
and shut down. THANK YOU.

i m gonna get up at 5 am tmr. omg................................
so work from 8 to 5, but the thing is...... i have tutoring at 6 30, i wonder if i would be able
to make it. :'( and sometimes work is just........ bleh.......
*H told me a bunch of stuffs today. sigh!!

anyway.......... i'm glad that honey finally got time to talk with me...

i should go to bed first though.. night.. brb.

>>October 28, 2010 at 5:36:42 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】

good morning,

i m getting ready to work now..
i saw honey on line last night, so... at least now i know he's okay.
i was worried about him, but i didnt wanna tell him that i worried. just dont want him to have
extra pressure from me. maybe somehow i have created some already, but...
yea i do desire to be close with the person i love. i dont want to over react about certain things,
i shouldnt. anyway........ i m very tired... yesterday was just scary at work. last night i just
sat and rested when i came home..

brb, i should get going now.

>>October 28, 2010 at 1:11:35 AM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 25 日 星期一 【晴】

today... i got up late.. then had lunch with my family.
came home resting, then had tutoring with Ching Ching.
she is so cute and funny today, so as her little sister. she brought me a peach.
i was leaving, i said thank and i would be back next time then i would eat it with her.
haha..

anyway... yea... i was checking some sport shoes... i need a pair of sport shoes,
and then..... i need to visit my doctor soon. skin problem again.

that guy mesg me, it's weird. i thought he's gone but he's back. he asked me if i would
like to meet up for a coffee or something. of course i know what he wants in fact.
no, this is not what i m looking for. but... please... i dont know what it is. i m just...
lonely i guess. but i know it very well, meeting with someone else is completely
different. it might be a bit exciting at first coz of my strong curiosity.. but then... i know
i wont feel good after that. i know exactly i would get bored pretty soon... coz i m not
looking for a real connection or a real intimate time with the person i see.. i m just...
releasing stress and boredom from my normal life pattern. i dont want some ''friends'',
i dont want any confusion. i wanna spend time with the ppl who are close with me,
my real friends and my family, who i care about. or those who are completely not important
to me at all. please... i m.... lonely, i dont want to be apart from him. not from him, not him.
i dont like feeling disconnected with him. am i asking for too much or thinking too much?
he needs time, i know he does. all guys does in general. i should give him time and yea...
i should.

tomorrow need to work late. night, Cas.

>>October 26, 2010 at 6:13:42 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 24 日 星期日 【晴】

i got yelled by a woman today. i was really upset about it.
she was really mean. i wish i would never see her again. its like.... i was helping her, providing
her free services, then she took it for granted and yelled at me.
she said like these docs are really important, dont lost it. i asked her to wait, coz i was really
busy dealing with 3 different cases at the same time. i told her i couldnt make sure if i could
fax them since the machine isnt working properly. she asked so if i could make sure i wont
lose her doc. i didnt know what to say to her. for me its like, if it's that important dont trust
anyone but yourself. or get insurance for her freaking doc. then i told her that i have 10 pages
here now. then she yelled, '' now i ask you to confirm if these are mine.'' i told her it there are
10 pages, but i dont know if it's her doc. i asked her, ''mam please make sure by yourself.''
i really wanted to ask her to fuck off. if it's really that urgent and important, so you
will just leave your doc on the front desk of the shopping mall waiting for some uncertain
free fax service. so you are not willing to pay some money to take it to some shop to do the fax
properly. NICE, that's really professional, bitch. other ppl waiting aside were looking at us.
i was blushed and really embarrassed.

i was really upset. *C came afterward. i reported to her, and i was just like... upset.
while it was time to rotate, i cried as soon as i left the counter. i walked to S. Concierge.
it was my lunch hr, but i just walked to the S. Concierge, and i did the fax. *H saw me, and
he asked me what happened. i told him a bit. he was trying to cheer me up. he asked me
to just go for lunch, not to worry and left the work to him. i was like no, i m fine. i just wanna
finish the fax first. then other ppl came approaching me to help him fax and coppy stuffs.
i really hate ppl taking adv on our free services. it's like those girl shoppers, they are soooooo
fucking lazy. they dont do their own copy or fax in their shops, they come to us to help
them to do it. its like are you freaking paying me for that? no, why the hell i become
working for those girls from their shops? i have been nice to them everytime they come.
i smile and be polite. then they become very proud of it, and start giving me attitude.
its like what the fuck? how come hk ppl are like that??

anyway... i m not feel well... i m just.... bleh................................

after work, i went to the fitness place and signed up eventually. its sort of expensive,
but its ok.. i just have to make sure i wont waste the money i have paid. i just need to push
myself to visit at least twice a week. make sure i would be working out and losing weight.

i m .... sad...

*L asked me why i m upset. i told him about that lady in the afternoon..
then i told him i missed my bf. he asked me if i have ever thought about cheating on my bf.
i told him.... no. i would rather be honest with him. then he said if i cheat and not telling him,
then that would be much easier for myself. i told him no, i couldnt lie, i hate the feeling of
lying. he joked he's licensed for lying already, but he hasnt cheated on his current gf yet,
not yet and not planing to. even if some girl approached him he wouldnt take it. coz he's
tired of playing around. he finds it boring eventually, he just wanted to settle down with
her for good. he didnt wanna get married but wanted to stay with her for good.
i smiled back.



i remember when i was in Van... i was watching the Taiwanese tv show in the afternoon
ard 1 to 1 25 pm on the weekdays... tv was my best friend. 1 pm something was my
lunch hr... then after that i would continue working till maybe 3 or 4 sth, then i might take
a small break, sneaking out to the library or supermarket.

anyway.... these two songs reminded me lots about my time in Van..
and i remember around the time when honey fell sick... i was so worried about him every
day and night... i even prayed that perhaps i could replace him instead. i always wanted
to take care of him, always wanted to be next to him, didnt wanna stay by myself.
i wondered if he had enough water, if he was hungry, if he needed the ice bag, if he wanted
the massage, if he would be bored... if he fell asleep, i worried if he would sweated too
much or if he would feel cold. at night, i worried if i would miss his sms or call...
coz one time... when i got up in the early morning, then i saw more than 5 missed sms..
they were all the urgent sms from him, and i was soooo guilty that i missed them.
what if he really dying then i would have let him died in his room. i remember when i saw
his mesgs, i just put on pants and ran down to his room immediately. like boom boom boom.
i opened his door, saw him not moving.. i was standing there looking at him to observe
him... to see if he was asleep or what's going on... then the first thing he said was...
''why didnt you come help me?" then at that moment, i realized he was alive i was so
happy, and i realized how important he is to me, and he needed me but i didnt give him
a hand, i felt so bad. after that time, i just make sure my phone never gone vibrate at night.
i make sure to check on him once in 1 or 2 hrs. he was like my baby.

coz he was so sick, then i realized how important he is to me.... how easy it is to lose
a life... i was running to the super grocer to get him medicine. at that time i was so poor
running out of money, but i wasnt counting budget whenever i needed to get him food
or stuffs. i just dont care, my money is his money. even if i was only eating bread and
cereals, i need to get him stuff, if the house is running out of paper towel, i go get
paper towel. if he needs a red bull, i get him a red bull. i was happy to make him soup.
he didnt feel like to eat, he keep having fever. i get him the snacks he likes..
one time he was almost passing out in his bed.. i asked him if he wanted me to go get
him medicine. he asked me to take that emergency money. i told him no, he pushed the
money to me. i took it and ran to the pharmacy and ran back. i was sooooo worried,
soooooo hurry. then i ran back i just ran straight into his room, he waited for me,
i ran upstair to get him water and rinsed the box, then ran back to his room... but then..
he became unconscious. i was so worried, it's like hes leaving me. i was almost
crying. i asked him to take the pill, he wouldnt do it, he just wouldnt. then he started
dream and dream talking, i was soooooooo scared. i told him no kidding and just take
the pill but he just wouldnt. i start crying coz i was running out of patient. its like if he
doesnt take it he would die. i was just... crying... and i ran upstairs to ask Ayako for
help.. she didnt open the door, Mami herd me crying, then she came out from her room
and helped me to get Ayako.. she came downstairs, and she blocked me outside of his
room.. after that, i accompany him to his doc again.. i was happy that i could stay next
to him all the time, be there to take care of him, although he didnt let me do much,
but still.... i was glad that i was there. he's just too important to me.

anyway.... yea..... i guess i just miss him soooooooooo much.
damn it. dont cry.










>>October 25, 2010 at 6:10:58 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 23 日 星期六 【晴】

work was fine today, and thanks *Mn taking those funny pics with me..
*C was very funny today, hope she would get well soon. i m falling sick too.

when i m walking home tonight, i asked myself...
if turned around now could bring me back there, if i would just turn around and give up
everything again just to get there again. i slowed down then stopped walking.
i knew i was walking home, i knew it wasnt a real situation but i did stop walking.
i stopped coz... i wanted to go back there. i wish it was real, i really wish it was..
i looked up to the sky.. saw the stars and i just miss him so much.. i stood for awhile
then i started walking again. i just started crying.

>>October 24, 2010 at 5:30:09 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】

你在哪?
i started missing him so much.

i m feeling unwell today... guess i m falling sick...
my throat, my nose... not good....

work is kind of busy and tiring today... hummm *R isnt being mean to me today.
i m surprised that she is being super nice today. well, as long as she's not being a bitch to
me, i m not hating her or anything. but i m sort of pissy today for no reasons.
i guess hormones changing thats why. sometimes when i m on the way home, its like....
it's so freaking late already, it was almost 11 sth pm, and the freaking train is still so packed.
it's like what the fuck are these ppl doing? hanging ard the mall till 11 pm? hanging around
the street till 11 pm? go home. i m pissed coz.... after a long day at work, so busy
talking and dealing with ppl all day long, after work i just wanna stay quiet and relax.
but then it took me 1.5 hr to get home, and that 1.5 hr was like stuck in a box, and i m really
exhausted. i dont know why hk ppl love hanging out late. especially if the city is so crowed,
i just dont understand how come these ppl wont get tired of the crowd or whatever
terrible traffic. i think i would never be able to survive like them. never.

these days, since i dont see honey on line, i just keep trying to stay on line... kindda like...
i miss him and just keep coming back on line to see if he would be on. its weird but...
i dont know. i m worried if he's fine. its like... somehow its like... part of myself is missing.
but i cant control it. maybe thats one of the reasons why i m being mad easily today.
sigh... where is he............. well... he must be very busy in his schedule now. hummm...

anyway...... b.r.b. i need some rest.

>>October 23, 2010 at 4:49:24 PM GMT+8