2011 年 1 月 9 日 星期日 【晴】

i feel very dumb today..
anyway, i got up at 5 30am, i was late. i slept ard 2 sth ?
i couldnt really wake up. i felt terrible, i wanted to puke, i felt a bit of dizzy,
kind of cold and hot together. weird..

i did lots of dumb things and saw lots of dumb things.. got pissed off by the customers.
got some bad news at work about *H and another guy from the other team.
felt bad for them, its like.... i start to hate our company now... its just a bunch of bs.
it just happens everyday.. and when things go wrong, ppl dont help you. they rather let
you get fired basically. i mean those who work with you they might not help you if
they dont like you. and its so easy to get tossed coz the company's rule doesnt protect
you. its just..... sad.... those fucking customers are just sooooo unbelievably stupid and
terrible. they are so greedy and think that they are great and should be treated like the
king. i feel so sick of their attitude. if they cant get what they want then they make stupid
complain. and i dont understand why we have to kiss their ass. give them what they
asked for when they are being so unreasonable. i feel so bad so bad.
and yes, that's what i m dealing with everyday. endless idiots. then, some ppl are alright,
then they find us great. why would that be so extreme? they should ask themselves.
i found that the most terrible ppl arent mainland chinese but hong kong chinese.
they are being cheap then if they cant get ard with, then they complain. i feel so sorry
and embarrassed with my own ppl.

on the train its the same, i m so impatient sometimes. not that i wanna vent on anyone.
the thing is, if you dont say anything, they take advantage on you.

i hate being all cranky or being so annoyed.. i dont like that feeling..
i m not this kind of ppl... but my job and the traffic just tire me out totally.
the happiest time is to be with my family, talking with honey, or being with my friends
and sharing jokes and stuffs with my teammates. i do have a few close ones that
i can talk with and hang out with... i do appreciate my new job here coz of them.
i do appreciate my time with my family and my close friends. but its not enough.
something is missing. i do feel empty without him. i dont know what he's thinking..
i could guess but i cant be sure... i just dont wanna be apart with him. and i dont
want anyone else but him. not coz of anything only coz.... my heart is with him.
i have faith in him.

i dont know... i have a lot of things to do now... but i wanna go to bed..
i m too tired... and i miss him so bad. i hate it.

>>January 10, 2011 at 4:12:14 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 8 日 星期六 【晴】

i m very tired....
i have seen lots of dumb things today before work, at work, and after work..

i m so tired of those insensitive ppl, i m so sick of those rude and arrogant ppl.
i m so sick of the bs i m seeing everyday..

i think i'd need to stay alone for awhile or take a walk, i need to breath..
i m... gonna take a rest first.

>>January 9, 2011 at 1:52:22 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 6 日 星期四 【晴】

i'm at work again.
i couldnt get up this morning, so i didnt go to the gym.
tomorrow i d have to go there.

the transcation is through. i hope he could get the money soon.
i'm worried about him being there alone actually. not coz i dont trust him or anything,
just basically the situation isnt good, thats the fact. i think we could only do our
best at the moment. well, tehre's nothing much i can do here, so... i m just...
doing my things here and thinking of there. i wanna save more money, hopefully
it could help out a bit more.

last night after work, i met up with Shan and Queenie-Pui Yu for dinner.
it was okay, havent seen Queenie-Pui Yu for more than a year i guess?
it's good to see her again. i was excited for her new plan. she's quitting Cathay
and going to Ireland for working holiday experience.

i m thinking about applying to Cathay, as the FA. they are hiring again, and i m not
going back to school this year. i m not ready. then yea, i dont think i m going to the
walk-in interview coz i dont wanna call sick. i m sure the girls are gonna call sick to go,
so, it's not gonna be good if we all call sick at the same time, yea? i will update my
resume tonight.. but i m thinking if i should work here for a year at least before
changing to another company.

Leggy is helping on the website now... after it's done, i m gonna connect it with
the facebook page, then i would start working more on that online store.
i m not sure if i could make a lot of money, probably not. but right now at the moment,
i havent paid for any cost except time. so, its still working. but once i see if the
store woul survive, then i would think about getting more different products to sell.
but right now i really wanna see how it works first.

i hope everything is gonna be fine soon.

i m closing the busy counter tonight, then recently i m responsible for more duties..
its kind of good and bad. i dont know...............................

i miss honey, i kind of thinking of his last mesg... what did he do with the floor?
and why? i was guessing the reason but i hope i was wrong.
got his mesg now...

>>January 7, 2011 at 7:47:00 AM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 4 日 星期二 【晴】

its nice to hear from honey today..
at least now i know he's safe there.
i dont know what i can help, probably not much..
but i would try my best to assist him.

i'd never had that much of money in my acct. its really not much at all, but then i would
try to save more and find ways to get more income.
i hope everything is gonna be fine soon.

i wanna go visit grandpa but... no i dont have time..
today at work... it was okay........ but then i kept going here and there..
kind of busy. my heart wasnt there actually. luckily i had partners today.
i got a few hrs at the office tower reception... then i could talk with honey.
then after that i just kept going to different places.

i got some weird dream last night.... scary..

sleep well, Cas...
please sleep well.. you need to stay calm and stay well to work on your plans.

>>January 5, 2011 at 5:56:20 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 3 日 星期一 【晴】

this morning was crazy.
i have no ideas why my new year seems starting so badly.
the first 3 days of work are bad, like bad bad and bad.

i made mistakes that i shouldnt have, i made troubles. it's like some kind of joke.
i was lucky at the same time, everything i did i got covered up or for some reason
my manager didnt call me to see her.

this morning, i was making my own granola. i was all ready to go with my coffee.
i thought this morning was gonna be alright, but then when i hit the train station.
they blocked the escalator, they announced the train station got problem the train
was suspended. i was like what the hell? there was no news on the radio this
morning when i was busy rushing up in the washroom. then i walked upstairs then
the train ppl asked me to go to another platform so i ran to another way. when i ran there,
it said the train was going to the wrong way, so i ran back to the other platform and
asked that lady. she asked me to went down there again. i was kind of pissed but i
had no time to think about what's going on, i really had to get on a train coz i dont
want to be late.

anyway i was in a super rush.. then i was told that i have left my uniform in the
washroom didnt put it back to my own locker. i could be screwed coz *H knew it already.
then *Me also knew it. both of my supervisors knew it. it was so messy... i was running
ard 400m from getting off the train to the office. this morning sucks. i was so busy at the
counter as well. sigh. i just got myself another big cup of coffee from Starbucks for lunch.
i needed a relief.

then before, i was almost late coz of my stupid coffee mug was spilling coffee all over
my hands. then i needed to ran upstairs home dropped it then ran. i made some mistakes
at work as well. i was like i have no ideas why that person did that to me, all i can say
is i was being careless and he was being an asshole that's why i had to be responsible
for that. i would never trust them again. they smiled to me today. i smiled coz i dont want
to make any difficult situation at work. but i know i cant trust them.

i cried today... actually last night too when i was in bed..
i slept after tired out crying.

i sort of talked with *J and *F at work... *H saw me this morning, he asked me why i looked
so unwell today. i told him yea, i wasnt feeling okay. anyway, didnt wanna tell him much.

dont cry cas. dont cry. you're not a baby..

brb..


i know he's the man... and i shouldnt worry for him..
but that's the thing, i do care about him, although i do care about myself.
you know.. it sucks... i know he's probably in some difficult situation now but i m here.
i rather being there suffering with him then sitting in HK doing my own thing. you know..
that's the difference.

i miss the days that i could see him everyday. although we argued or we had hard time
together, i cried sometimes, i pissed him off sometimes.. i rather having those days
than like now. coz at the end of the day or the next morning, i could always see him
somewhere in the living room or in the kitchen. every evening i would hear his voice or
the noise he makes when he comes home. that's the man i m missing everyday now.
i didnt like him sometimes but i do love him, and i m scared if one day i didnt see him when
i woke up. i got scared if he didnt come home after 11 pm. i got pissed off if he didnt come
up before i done my shower. i got pissed off if he didnt eat my snack. but i smile to him
everyday coz i m happy to see him after all. i do. and i miss him so much now.

>>January 4, 2011 at 4:11:17 PM GMT+8

2011 年 1 月 2 日 星期日 【晴】

where are you?
that's my question, like... repeating in my mind.

i m thinking it's my problem if i cant just try to enjoy my life while waiting for his news.
of course i worry coz i do care about him, but if it's gonna put pressure on him then no...
i know he doesnt want me to worry too much. for me, he's a man and he's strong,
strong enough to survive these. sometimes he's like a baby to me, but yea... he'd be
fine. i should have faith in him. he's the man. if he does want to talk with me, he would
come to me. i've let him know that i want to hear from him i want to be there with him i want
him i want to help him. he knows it. if he accept it. he would let me know. if he doesnt then
he doesnt want it.

Cas, he'd be okay. you're the person not okay. and its not helping anyone.

i m working as usual, i m resting on my day off today.
i m going out with my sisters, and i met up with Queenie C last night.
i m looking forward to see my other friends. i m looking for chances to go wild as in
doing something i dont usually do just to distract myself or go crazy coz i wanna release
my stress. i wanna go back to gym. i want to do tutoring again soon, then i wanna
start the online store soon. i want my vacation. i wanna go to japan, i want to see him.
i wanna do lots of stuffs, and... i m doing them by myself. i m strong enough to deal
with my life... though i really want him... till then, i still could live my life.
i should wait with patient, have faith in him.

sometimes when i m helpless i'd pray. coz i feel so helpless and i m so weak.
and its true... i m weak and i fall, but... in time i should get up and go on.
i m not leaving him. i am not.

>>January 3, 2011 at 5:17:59 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 31 日 星期五 【晴】

i didnt do the countdown thing. i didnt wanna go out.
i stayed home with my family. i didint even feel like to say a bunch of happy new year.
i did when ppl said that to me, but i remember i used to send lots of mesgs to my friends.
it didnt happen this year. i didnt feel happy, didnt feel like to say it.
another year is here, life goes on, nothing has changed much yet.
everyone wish for a happier year, but it usually doesnt happen. so, keep trying i guess.
i just wanna take some time off, to think about some plans for this coming year.

the first day of work was bad..
i lost my key, and i went to a wrong shift. then i made some big mistake at work.
its just... bad.

honey's offline now. i havent heard from him yet.

i wish everything would be fine soon, i really do.

i should get going now..

brb.

>>January 2, 2011 at 1:22:06 AM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 30 日 星期四 【晴】

hi there.

Happy New Year now..

work is sort of crazy today..
i got tonze of phone calls. one lady spent me more than 15 mins. she didnt speak Eng well,
didnt speak Chinese, then she didnt know where she was, didnt know what she want.
then finally found out where she was, which shop it was, and what she wanted.
then other phone calls were all asking about the parking and road blocking tonight.

honey should be leaving today. how's he now?
he hasnt replied me yet. probably very busy right now...
he should take his time.

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow...

i miss him.. i dont wanna give him extra pressure. i dont want him to think he owes me
anything. i dont want him to feel bad or anything. i remember what he has said..
i didnt say anything at that time. actually, he shouldnt consider if he deserves me or not.
it's not for him to decide if i love him or not. it's my choice. if i think he does then he does.
if i think he doesnt, then there's no one can force me to love him too. i've chose him then
i wouldnt regret it. if touch wood one day he totally broke my heart or sth like that that i
decided to stop loving him, that would be my decision as well. i chose him coz i want him,
coz i love him, not coz of anything, just coz simply i love him. just like that.
and love doesnt just come and go. it stays.

hummm..
i m gonna make some cookies, then going to bed.
but i still wanna wait for a while longer..

>>December 31, 2010 at 6:02:56 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 29 日 星期三 【晴】

this is not cool...

work is so so, then i met up with Queenie today, long time no see but nothing special.
then, i need to figure out the online store, and then also about the tutoring.

by the way, honey's flying very soon.
i m wondering if i dont trust myself or what it's about.
do i wanna go exploring more? sure i dont mind. but it is not easy for me to do so.
honey asked me to push myself to experience more. i would want to, but how?
it kindda feels like i m doing something totally different from before. maybe it just takes
me some time then i would get used to it? am i still... the person i know about myself after all?
i guess so. as long as i know what i m doing and i m not hurting anyone then yea.
ahhhhh i dont know.. i should go to bed first. honey's not replying anyway. he must be
very busy there, and very tired too.

this is the end of the year again..
last year at honey's home, we were doing the countdown together, also with Ayako.
not really counting down, but watching a show on tv together. happy new year.
what's my new year plan? and what am i gonna do?

there are things that i wouldnt change wouldnt give up.
there are things that i wanna improve...
there are things i really wanna do, really wanna try.
there are lots of things that i wanna do and share with him. coz he's been in my life,
playing a very important role for a long long time already. i dont tell him this, but he's really
my future somehow..

>>December 30, 2010 at 6:07:07 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 28 日 星期二 【晴】

hi..

i m so sleepy, and i just wanna find something to do just to keep myself awake.
i m not very patient today. a person from another team was pissing me off just now.
i didnt wanna lose temper on him, coz i dont think i should. but just now its like if he
doesnt know what direction he should provide the customer, then just refer them to
us. instead, he sent them to us, and asked us for help, then he decided to ask them to go
on the wrong way. if he wants, he could direct them to wherever but dont come to us,
coz if they are gonna complain after following the wrong direction, i m the one would
be screwed. and if he knows how to get there, why the hell does he come asking. if he
doesnt know then just shut up. and when i tried to say the right way, he stopped me.
what the hell?!

i had 3 cups of coffee already but i m still really sleepy.
i dont know what i m gonna do today after work. i wanna take a walk or something but
i m very tired. i wanna go home and take a nap but... i dont know.
when i left home this morning ard 6 sth, the sky is still dark and i could see the stars.
it feels good to see the peaceful morning light. but then i m not in a good mood today.

i shouldnt feel bad about last night. i shouldnt. somehow, i m not questioning anything
between us, but just.... i have never thought about what he said last night.
i didnt think we are on break now. but when i think about what he said, maybe he's
right. i just dont really consider we are on break now. right we are not seeing each
others with eyes, but are we really on break now? say, is it really no problems for me to
see some other ppl now? coz i m not expecting myself doing it and i dont want myself
doing it. what i feel bad is... i m not sure if he understands me that i just dont wanna
let anyone or anything to affect us in a bad way. its good to explore, but its not good
and not worthy to risk our relationship. i dont want that risk. it s testing us now, i mean
being apart again is like a test, a realistic way to test us. its hard enough, and now i m
nervous coz i thought he wants a long term relationship with me or even maybe one day
we might have our own family. we dont know for sure, but at least towards that way?
but now it seems like i m not sure if he wants the same. i dont know, i hope i m just being
too sensitive right now.

brb... need to get ready to rotate.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i m home now..
i m not feeling well. i wonder if i should take a day off tomorrow, but it'd increase the
workload for them. i m having chest pain on my left side, it happens every once awhile.
i m gonna make an appointment soon to see a doctor.

then now, i start selling stuffs beside my job. so, in case tutoring wont work anymore,
i still have another income source. i m planning on it now.
im going to Ching Ching's home again in Jan. these days she's been very busy with
her ballet exam. the adult one, i m not sure what she wants but i would contact her soon.

i m watching Home Alone 2 tonight. haha.. it's one of my fav movies thought sometimes
things happened arent very realistic. i like the conversation between Kevin and the bird lady.

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.
Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.
Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin McCallister: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of Rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my Rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.
Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.
Kevin McCallister: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn't gone. If it was gone, you wouldn't be so nice.
Bird Lady: Thank you. Do you know it's been a couple of years since I've talked to anybody?
Kevin McCallister: That's okay. You're good at it. You're not boring. You don't mumble or spit. You should do it more often. Just wear an outfit with no pigeon poop on it.
Bird Lady: I have been working very hard at keeping people away. I always think I'll have a lot of fun if I'm alone... but when I'm alone, it's not fun.
Kevin McCallister: I don't care how much people bug me, I'd rather be with someone than alone.
Bird Lady: So what are you doing alone on Christmas Eve? You did something wrong?
Kevin McCallister: A lot of things.
Bird Lady: Did you know that a good deed erases a bad deed?
Kevin McCallister: It's late. I don't know if I'll have enough time to do enough good deeds to erase all my bad ones.
Bird Lady: It's Christmas Eve. Good deeds count extra tonight. Think of an important thing you can do for others, and go do it. Just follow the star in your heart.
Kevin McCallister: Okay... It's getting pretty late. I'd better get going. If I don't see you, I hope everything turns out okay.
Bird Lady: Thank you.
Kevin McCallister: Tell the birds I said goodbye.
Bird Lady: I will.
Kevin McCallister: If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I won't forget to remember you.
Bird Lady: Don't make promises you can't keep.

>>December 29, 2010 at 4:25:02 PM GMT+8