2010 年 10 月 8 日 星期五 【晴】

i m so tired...
today i m just too tired that i had to cancel my tutoring lesson.
no, i couldnt do it.

today... *C walked around the mall with me for an hour... there are so much SO MUCH
information i m still missing out. it's like...... oh my fucking lord. how am i supposed to remember
them all? am i forcing myself pushing myself too hard or is it really really REALLY my problem
couldnt remember them all during my 3 weeks training? i guess, i wasnt serious enough then.
anyway... my brain was so stuffed that i really couldnt go meeting up with my student.
it was my last 2 hrs on my roster today, and i really felt like just wanna go home straight or
go for a walk or something. but then of course we wouldnt have that freedom here in HK.
*C gave me so much information, then she gave me pop quiz right afterward. and then...
i got half wrong half right. i m really concerned. and... i was like........ dead.

honey and i talked last night... and then... he asked me not to stressed out too much..
yea, i understand.. but then when i'm at work, sometimes i do feel really stressed as in...
its not from the customers but from my coworkers and myself. and i know i m supposed
to finish training, and i m supposed to be able to work on my own.... but i still.... have
forgotten this forgotten that... what can i do? remember them by hard.

*L asked me not to be too upset. he used his pen to poke my face. i asked him how he
found out about me. he said he heard from *My. then i asked him how much he knew
about, he said just a part of it. well, that's good enough. i couldnt even accept that myself.
and when i think of my past, i just asked myself that isnt it better than before. but then now
i m complaining again?

anyway... i just.... worry a lot. i thought i m getting better today but then there re so much
more i m missing out. its just hard to accept. i m getting frustrated so easily now isnt it.

i didnt want to cancel my tutoring.. i was wondering if i should go or not.. but then... in the
end, i just decided to go home. the thing is... i couldnt do it anymore. and then today i think
i just have to admit that i cant actually handle too much at once. i thought i could but i cant.
so, im not that strong actually. but i dont want to be defeated. coz i dont think i should be.

later, i still have to study the map and the shops..

honey said... i wouldnt work here forever, so i shouldnt worry too much. it just takes time
to remember them.. thanks. however if i cant even pass my probation then what does that
mean? it seems like i cant even pass my training while everyone can do it. only i cant do it,
and? i just..... dont want to let it happen. not on me please.

i really wanted to cry but i couldnt coz i was at work. and after work i just couldnt do
anything more. i just wanted to breath and headed home.

i got myself a smoothie then took the direct bus instead of train, just headed home straight.
i removed my make up got changed, just sit and totally put work a side. i couldnt do more.
but now i would have to. i m so tired and so sleepy but i would have to study again.
its just like... a joke. how possible it is not to remember shops in the mall. its just ridiculous.
but it happens, especially on me. i m fucked.


i wonder if honey sees my face then he would be able to tell how worried i actually am.
the thing is, beside the information of the shops and their locations, roads and buildings
around our area, beside these, i m okay. my attitude and everything else is fine. just that the
most basic things are screwed, so basically i m dead now.

Cas.... when are you gonna finish this stage? after that you would be just fine.
please be patient and please stay well. stay strong, you are not alone.
honey was trying o explain to me and comfort me.. i know.... i dont know if my work mates
or evil or not.. i just know i cant trust them totally. somehow i would have to use my
brain and eyes to see and judge things on my own. Cas, please. if you still want the salary
and the benefits before you are heading your next stage of life, please stay smart and
alert, get your training and probation pass, please.

>>October 9, 2010 at 4:04:28 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 6 日 星期三 【晴】

hi....

my legs and feet are so sore and pain... today... not much chances to sit...
most likely just standing and walking. the morning was okay, just sitting and doing report.
but then afterward was like so tiring. in the afternoon, my last hr.... some crazy woman
called made a long complain for almost an hour... H* was standing and responding to the
phone. then he called me to stand by. i was next to him like standing next to him for almost
an hour. i was so tired. my feet hurt so bad, its like feeling numb.

after work.... i gave myself a big treat, i bought myself a dark chocolate frozen yogurt.
J* was eating with me. then we walked ard the mall as well. i m getting slightly better
at recognizing the places after rounds and rounds of the walking today. today i had lunch
with *H... hummmmmmmm he asked me lots of stuffs and told me lots of stuffs. for some
reasons he must think i m like a little girl having zero working exp. humm okay... but then,
he asked me if anyone bullied me or had hard feelings at work i have to tell him, he asked
me not to be afraid to talk with him, at work and after work. he wont mind. he told me he
is very easy going. for me its like why keep emphasizing me being bullied. haha.. yea..
i told him i would if there's any. so far... i did have some hard feelings before but i m still
okay. he gave me lots of encouragement, shared with me about his history. but then for
me, i think i m okay, i m not giving up yet. so... i dont know why he thinks i m so weak
and stuffs. anyway, he wants to be a big brother to me, okay. i have *L watching out for
me, and *H is willing to watch out for me. ha! i m so lucky, yea? i guess i m so lucky.
well, i m not really that close with them actually. but both of them think i m a little girl, okay.
fine, keep an eye on me, thats good. so at least i dont have to worry too too much.

but too bad they arent my bfs. i guess being a bf is totally different. much more responsibilities.
i dont think they are the good bf actually. but... who cares. we just work together.
we might chat and joke around, but that's it. the one who is serious with you is different.
he cares about what makes you happy and sad. if he knows he can make you happy,
he would be proud to be your bf. if he knows he can provide you what you need, he would
be content as well, he would be more confident and happy. if he knows you are happy
to be with him, he would be so glad and feel like he's the happiest guy in the world like
he is your hero and king. that's the lovely side of your mr. right. but things are not always
easy. coz life isnt easy. when situations come, usually ppl dont know what to do..
including myself... especially i m so lack of experience. sometimes i dont even know what
i am doing might have hurt his feelings. but what i have been doing are just.... so natural.
as long as i m aware of what i m doing, i would try every ways to avoid giving him hard
feelings. coz i dont want to hurt him or make him feel bad. sometimes i would rather take
the pain than having him in pain. but sometimes when i m very angry, i just cant think.
i would just let him know where my limit is and how much he has hurt me. everything is
shown on my face, i cant hide in front of him. he is the only person i cant hide from my
heart. coz.... everything i do and i think is shown to him. he can easily see it from my face
and everything else. coz he knows me too well. he always laugh that i m too gullible.
yes, maybe i am.. but the main reason is coz he knows me too well. just too well.
he can see everything on my face. i wonder he can even predict what i do sometimes.
but somehow he would still be surprised and find me weird. coz he cant know everything
of mine. coz he cant know... theres something he cant know. that's for surprising him
sometimes. but i m shy and i m not very aggressive. so... he cant see everything, unless
he is patient enough. unless he's careful enough. anyway... the thing is... he must find me
very silly or childish. if i m close enough with him.. if i dont feel comfortable enough to
be like that in front of him, he wouldnt be able to see that side of me.

tonight, i have thought of lots of things when i was on the way home..

it really was my problem... it really was my problem.
coz i m not used to .... live with other people other than my family.
he is the person i love the most, but i dont know... i wasnt used to live with him...
then... when there were lots of problems coming at the same time, i was just... freak out
and didnt know what to do. i cared about him so much, but i didnt know what i should do
when i was there. i couldnt help him, i couldnt do much, i totally didnt know what to do.
i was lost. then i saw her. i saw them. i was so upset. but then.... i didnt leave him like
that. i didnt. coz i know.... if i have left, there always would be... unfinished business
in our lives. coz i know i love him so much that i cant just give him up coz he is being real
to me. he is being who he is and he is honest with who he is. he has to be brave enough,
and trusts me enough to share the most inner side of his with me. i cant just leave him
coz he is too important to me.

but i feel bad... i feel guilty that i couldnt help him when he needed me...
coz....

i didnt know how to live with him, i didnt know how to live with myself.
i didnt know what to do as a gf. i didnt know so much so many things and i kept creating
problems and troubles. i kept questioning myself what i was doing. i was such a little girl.
and in that one year when i was there, i did.... learn a lot of things. i have seen so much
that i wouldnt have seen if i wasnt there. i have realized so much so much..
and you know what i m looking forward now is.... when will i see him again? i want to be
the one that he has been waiting for. i want to be the one that he has been wishing for.
i want to be a grown up, i know i m not perfect and wont be perfect in any ways..
but, i want him to see many different sides of me... and i dont want to be afraid.
i want to be confident, i want to be.... the confident me for him.
i want to be his wife, i want to be the mother of his kids. i want to be.... the one who
would always be there with him till the day we will leave the world.

but, if he doesnt want me anymore, then... i would need to move on and let go of him.
i hope it wont be too late for us. i have already..... reserved that spot for him... the most
important spot for him.

i dont want to scare him... so... i dont want to tell him these yet..
will he be able to realize that though?




>>October 7, 2010 at 4:30:06 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 5 日 星期二 【晴】

hi there..

i m off today but dont really feeling have one.
i still have tutoring tonight. so tiring.

i did some shopping at the body shop today. finally can renew my membership,
then also get the stuffs i need. so i would be good for awhile from now.

i dont really want to waste money on things that i dont need.
but i gave mom some money to get my aunts and grandpa some cake and lunch..
i couldnt go visit him today. i m too exhausted this morning. i got up ard 1 sth pm..


yesterday....

it was the longest day ever since i have started working at ifc.
its crazy long as in...... my roster was just..... crazy. when i saw it, i was like omg,
is it a joke or something? working with *R for 5 hrs, like 3 or 4 rounds. then the other
2 hrs at the office building counter. its like so fucking stressed for me.
i m bad at the access card computer system. then.... ppl came asking about the offices/
tenants of ours. its like omg.... then working with *R is just... super boring and stressed.
she's kind of fake. when she wants to be nice, she would be nice. otherwise she is
just super bitchy. i couldnt take her last time, i just couldnt. she shouted at me a few times.
then i ignored her finally. then she changed her tone immediately then asked if she sounded
pretty serious. i was silent and turned away with a fake smile. thats it. i thought she was
bitchy and extremely rude instead of being serious. anyway yesterday she wasnt
as worse though. whatever. my other mates were like... ''omg, you are so poor babe.''
*Rn and *Mn laughed then. and then *My was like yea, so poor.

in my break time, i was supposed to have lunch with *R. i cant. i just cant.
its like Gees.... i dont want to be with her all day long at all. maybe she thinks the same,
she just told me she would meet up with someone for lunch. for me it was a relief.
coz its like... i really rather stay alone. she's so rude last time when we had lunch together.
she didnt talk to me for 1 min, she was on her phone all the time, all the time. she ate and
talked on the phone at the same time, and totally ignored me. its like why having lunch
with me?

after work... we were in the washroom, changing.... *R waited for me. *Rn gave me a look in
washroom after changing. i was behind *R, then i turned to *Rn, i was like... keep blinking
my eyes to *Rn. she was smiling back and gave me a look again. it was so funny. *R couldnt
see us.. and *Rn she got what i mean. its like... what the fuck................... after a whole day
still couldnt get rid of her.

anyway...

i m so tired..... and.. i dont know.

Kim is asking if i like dessert sometime after work.. i didnt say anything. i told him i m very
tired. usually i would just go home after work. he asked me how many days if i work,
how many hrs... then he said ohhhhh they's really long and tiring... oh this oh that...
for me its like... yea... dont try to be so understanding and shit... its not working..




>>October 6, 2010 at 4:00:21 PM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 4 日 星期一 【晴】

hi there...

i m really tired. just finished preparing for the tutoring. tomorrow would be my day off,
but i would have 2 tutoring sections in the late afternoon till evening.

yesterday i talked with honey. it sounded a bit serious to me, coz... i worried he doesnt
want me anymore. it kind of scared me when he said he wouldnt mind. coz the thing is,
i do mind. i would like to go out with guys, but if things are getting a bit more serious then
i would stop. its like... flirting isnt really my thing. guys like to be friends with me then
start flirting with me, but i stop once i sense its real. like... i would just lose my interest
basically. coz for me its like... if i keep going, i would feel stressed. i want to distract
myself once awhile, but the problem is... if i m getting more stress from it then i rather
dont have it at all.

of course i wanna go out with a guy. of course i like hanging out with guys. sometimes
its easier to hang out or work with guys too. less gossip, less bull shit. but then....
hummm i dont know... of course i miss honey, and i know we didnt usually go out together
very often... but... i dont know.. its just not the same. going out with some person and
going out with the person you love is completely different.

yesterday, i have done something very stupid, hopefully i wont get into troubles.
sigh. i dont want to talk about it. and i dont want my coworkers remember it. i mean...
i dont mind them remember it if it would help our job, but the problem is i dont want them
to think i m noisy or i was trying to get attention at work or something. coz it really wasnt
my intention at all.

humm few days ago, i posted my pics on facebook... then Henry left some messages.
i deleted them already after Kim's surprise the next day. its like what the fuck.
Henry is like.... i dont know what he's thinking. he's rich, he looks okay, he can get
anyone he wants. why keep bugging me? he flirted with me. he's like... telling me he
would send me chocolate everyday. for me, it's unrealistic. i told him i wouldnt
believe him till i see it. so, basically i m pushing him to do that. but its not coz i want his
chocolate. i probably would just throw them away or give them to my work mates.
i wanna do that to proof him i know his tricks. its like.. fuck off. if he doesnt send me
any then i would laugh at him. he said he's moving to HK, like working at our building.
i told him okay.

then Kim all of the sudden asking to go out with me again. he probably saw the mesgs
from Henry. then Kim sms me the next day to see if i had dinner yet. i told him no.
then he asked me if i was hungry. i said yes. then he asked if it would help if i had
some chocolate. i said maybe. i was sitting at the concierge stamping the paring
tickets. then... after a few hrs he just showed up in front of me. i was shocked.
after he's gone, he sms me to ask if i would go out with him. i didnt reply him.
i just saw my phone he sms me twice before... like asking if i want chocolate or
chocolate muffin since i didnt have dinner. for me its like that's really sweet.
but too bad he's not my bf and i d never really seen honey doing that for me.
its probably not honey's thing anyway. so.... i dont know. it's sweet but.... no.... thanks.

honey asked me why not going out with them... coz.... if i do the first time, then the
second time would be coming probably. or its harder to reject.. ahhhhh anyway...
i dont want too much troubles. blame me for being selfish or whatever. i just dont
want to do anything stupid that hurt ppl. eventually it would hurt myself as well.

its time to go to work now :( so tired.

>>October 5, 2010 at 2:53:50 AM GMT+8

2010 年 10 月 2 日 星期六 【晴】

(at work)

i got ard 10 mins till rotating with *RN.
doing the survey thing... dont really like to do survey at my first hr.

then later, going back to the S. C. with *J

i was on train just now, and i wonder lots of things.
so far... i dont want to give any chances to anybody, no one.
i want to be fair to myself, i know my place, i know myself very well that i know who is
in my heart always, who i love so much and have been waiting for.

anyway... Henry is still bugging me. if i dont give him a chance, theres no way he
can be with me. it applies to everyone. if i dont give anyone a chance, there's no one
can be that one for me. if you dont want it, you just dont do it. if you do want it,
no matter what, you would still do it or try your best to get it. i m getting sick of the b.s.
and games. but in the living world, i wonder if we could actually get away from these.
like between the coworkers at work, between guys and girls, or even between friends.
theres no absoulte friends or enemies at work, no absolute right or wrong applicable on
the rules, no absolute hate or love in relationships, no absolute right or absolutely wrong
at morals. no fine lines between all hates or loves. so .... is that it or there are so much
more i havent seen yet? i wish he could be next to me. i wish i could be more
agressive as he said... i wish i could be stronger, and i think i can be. just in time, i would be.

brb.. need to get back to work.

>>October 3, 2010 at 5:52:35 AM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 30 日 星期四 【晴】

today is my real day off, no tutoring, no work.
and today is the national day. happy birthday to china.
anyway... i slept late last night, got up late...

i really need lots of sleep, and the thing is my feet hurt so bad.
i think more or less is coz of my shoes. my heels. but the thing is... mine isnt too high,
and it's special designed already. i dont understand why it still hurts me.
but its much better than lots of other high heels i have already.

after lunch with my family, then came home resting, then... dad, mom and i went to
visit grandpa at the hospital. hummmm... then we came home resting.
i fell asleep a few times, didnt even want to have dinner. after dinner i was so tired..

tomorrow i would have the late shift, from 1 to 10 pm, but then before that, i would have
tutoring at 9 30am... so i gotta get up around 8 am, leave home at 9 am.
i need to get more money, i need money. but my tutoring isnt very stable coz of my schedule.
i feel bad for my students. but... theres nothing much i can do... hopefully my schedule
wont be too ugly, so i can get things organized easier.

i miss him.
i dreamt of him last night. sometimes... during the day, i would feel heart pain.
its like all of the sudden, i would like to check the time, just all of the sudden.
or when i feel the heart pain, then i think of him, then i would check the time again.
it comes naturally, even when i m at work. then i wonder what he's doing, how he is
doing. then i think about.... what we did when we were together... think of taking
care of him at night, think of him while he was in bed, while he was cooking,
while he was watching tv or playing games, while he was falling asleep, while
he was asleep but i was sneaking out, then he would wake up and wondered where
i was going why i was leaving.. just like a baby. i always wanted to kiss him before
he slept, always bring him water. always wanted to greet him in the morning, say bye
to him before he headed to work. wanted say hi and listened to him after he came home
after work. but i was shy and thought he wanted to talk with Ayako more than me,
then i rather stayed in my room. then of course at night he wouldnt cook for me, he
cooked for himself and Ayako. so, i rather stayed in my room by myself as well..
waited till they are done then i cooked my meal. the on weekend.. we were no longer
spending time together anymore.. he usually had plans with other ppl, especially with
her. then i would be alone all the time... all the time, all the time... the only place i could
escape to is... the library, the bakery, or the park. i dont have much friends, and...
i didnt really go out. i felt bad. really. really bad. once awhile, really rarely we might
go out together, but usually there must be something happened before or about to happen,
then he would be nicer to me for a bit. sometimes i really dont understand him..
dont really understand myself. how come i would put up with that. how come he would
treat me like that if he loved me. then i think of the time when i was alone there, then i think
of her. think of what he did with her, he spent every weekend with her... and its like..
i was no longer his gf. she came over, stayed over. at first he didnt let her, and he was
explaining to me he didnt want her staying over coz of me and coz he didnt like her.
but then later on, he had so much excuses every weeks, and then one day he just
stopped telling me or explaining to me whenever she stayed over or came over.
i was angry, but so? that didnt change anything. and of course thats one of the biggest
reasons why i wanted to escape from him. and he wondered why i couldnt be more
proactive, more passionate with him. he wondered why, and i wondered why as well.
is it really coz i m not good enough for him, or is it coz he's blind. he wouldnt pay
attention to me anymore, he wouldnt want to maintain our relationship, he wouldnt
want to spend time on our relationship, why would he think of me then? why could
he still see me? see the good side of me? all he saw is the bitchy and ugly side.
coz he's distracted for sure, coz i wasnt good enough for him anymore.
then now.. i think of her being there, living with him now... then... of course
things are different now. of course. and of course i m home now and i wont see
those stuffs now, and of course i miss him and of course i feel terrible. but so?
if he does care, he wouldnt even let that happen. but he did, he did let that happen.
so.... what do you expect me to say or do?

what do you actually expect me to do? what do you want me to do?
teach him how to love me? tell him what i need? being that direct? can he handle that?
but right now... there are more important things waiting for him...
why should i still bother him at this time? just let him do what he has to do first.
if he does have a heart, one day he would know, one day he would understand.



dont know why just now tv was playing ''Home Alone 2''.
thats okay, its one of my fav movies.


Movie Name: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Quote:

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my
heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away
from it. I stopped trusting people.

Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb
thing to do.

Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes
you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget
about you.

Kevin McCallister: Maybe theyre just too busy. Maybe they dont
forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People dont
mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasnt screwed on,
Id leave it on the school bus.

Bird Lady: Im just afraid if I do trust someone, Ill get my heart
broken.

Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of Rollerblades. I
was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what
happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my
room a few times.

Bird Lady: A persons heart and feelings are very different than
skates.

Kevin McCallister: Theyre kind of the same thing. If you wont use
your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to
yourself, maybe itll be like my Rollerblades. When you do decide
to try it, it wont be any good. You should take a chance. Got
nothing to lose.

Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

Kevin McCallister: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but
it isnt gone. If it was gone, you wouldnt be so nice.

Bird Lady: Thank you. Do you know its been a couple of years since
Ive talked to anybody?

Kevin McCallister: Thats okay. Youre good at it. Youre not boring.
You dont mumble or spit. You should do it more often. Just wear an
outfit with no pigeon poop on it.

Bird Lady: I have been working very hard at keeping people away. I
always think Ill have a lot of fun if Im alone... but when Im
alone, its not fun.

Kevin McCallister: I dont care how much people bug me, Id rather be
with someone than alone.

Bird Lady: So what are you doing alone on Christmas Eve? You did
something wrong?

Kevin McCallister: A lot of things.

Bird Lady: Did you know that a good deed erases a bad deed?

Kevin McCallister: Its late. I dont know if Ill have enough time
to do enough good deeds to erase all my bad ones.

Bird Lady: Its Christmas Eve. Good deeds count extra tonight. Think
of an important thing you can do for others, and go do it. Just
follow the star in your heart.

Kevin McCallister: Okay... Its getting pretty late. Id better get
going. If I dont see you, I hope everything turns out okay.

Bird Lady: Thank you.

Kevin McCallister: Tell the birds I said goodbye.

Bird Lady: I will.

Kevin McCallister: If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I
wont forget to remember you.

Bird Lady: Dont make promises you cant keep.

>>October 1, 2010 at 4:49:26 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 30 日 星期四 【晴】

sigh...

am i really that weak? or i can be stronger?
ppl told me i look like a weak person. but once they get to know me, they think i m strong.
i used to think i m strong enough at work, but these days, i have got lots of problems.
not any huge huge huge problems that i would need to resign or getting fired.
i m still on training, but i got the feelings that i m the slowest one in the team.
i wanted to get the promotion asap. but now i think i wont be able to do that.
i think i m the most hard working one, the nicest person, the most positive, the politest,
with the best manner one in the team, but thats nothing... coz i still cant handle the basic
thing as in.... the directory the guide, i m still not familiar with all the shops and locations.
and then of course even if i think i know, i m not confident enough. then i get scared.
today, i got some problem with the registration of the access permit for our office building.
got around 4 applicants to register... i got problem with the first one. coz his id card
wasnt the working with the way i do. i mean... his card was the old version, so...
i need to use that special card reader to help me to get into the program on the computer.
i forgot one step, and so it didnt complete. and the thing is... i called *L for help twice.
still, it wasnt working properly. then in the end, i needed to call *M to explain to her
what happened. she came down stairs to fix the problem... i was still there, hopping
to see the correct steps and see how to fix the problems. she said she would take
care of it, and she would guide me next time as the practice. i felt bad about that..
i told *MN and *MD, then they said its normal, coz i m too new. i told them, *R said i shouldnt
make these mistakes, coz most likely they all got ready and could handle everything
within a week or so, she also implied i m the worst one. she was pissed off at me.
for me, i think its pretty harsh but i got no one to blame, it really is my problem.
*MN and *MD asked me not to care about *R coz she is the one with problems.

anyway.... F* invited me for a drink... i said maybe next month.. i m too tired these days..
then i passed the mesg to almost everyone to see if anyone's interested too.
seems like *H, *C, *L, *M, and *MD would go... the others... i would contact them later..
actually beside work, i m like everyone's friends except *R, but then.... at work, i m like
their baby still. i dont like it, coz i used to be the strong one always.

i have to push myself to grow up... and then i think of honey... i do remember what he
has said and taught me. i really do.. and that does make me miss him... lots.

anyway... we dont really have time to talk..
there are so much i wanna tell him.. and then my package is still not there yet.
i wonder if it's lost already..

tomorrow i would have my holiday.. hopefully i can have enough rest.
i m really really really tired.. and then.... i dont know what to do, what to think..
i need to get everything organized first. before breaking down myself, i have to pull myself
back, i have to.... get myself organized. i dont know what to do... its just... too much to handle
at a time. being here being there, seeing and listening about everything.. then...
worry about this and that, all the changes, trying to adjust everything again..
just too much to handle. very challenging, very tiring... and... hopefully things would
get better soon. and also.. i do wish him all the best as well. i miss him so much.

dont cry, Cas.. you are not crying. dont cry.

>>October 1, 2010 at 4:01:54 AM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 28 日 星期二 【晴】

hi there...

i m exhausted... really really tired...
coughing in the morning and night dont know why..

today..... this morning some crazy old man pushed me on the train.. as in... touching me
more than just pushing me. i was really pissed off. i turned around and stared at him,
and told him not to touch me. everyone was looking at him. then the next stop, he got off.
i can tell the difference between pushing to get on the train and assaulting.

at work.... it was okay, nothing special. same busy.. but then... *M told me today i made
a huge mistake yesterday. i approved a voucher to a wrong customer. at the promotion
desk yesterday, a lady came with a few different receipts. after the redemption, she
claimed that she lost one of those on our desk, then it was getting busy at the counter...
so i was busy running in between the promotion desk and our counter.
then the promotor redeemed a few vouchers out without me signing, then....
the problem is, when i came back.... it was time to rotate... so.... i signed quickly for
those vouchers then i took off. sigh. i didnt check carefully. thats why.
luckily *M didnt get questioned. she settled that in private for me.

anyway..... Ivy came meet me after work.... we had a sandwich and tea... then
walked around for awhile... then i came back to Tai Po to meet up with my family for dinner.
its alright.

you know..... my roster is kind of crazy. sigh... fine.
then my students cant have lessons regularly. i feel sorry for them.

honey... i miss him.... i have so much to tell him.
if he has time for me, then yea... if not... then no... he told me life isnt great.
i think i could understand, but i m not him. i wish i could be there for him.
does he wish for the same thing? but i m not there, and... there is someone else.
anyway i dont want to talk about that. i need to rest tonight.

more challenges are coming tomorrow. hate that i still have lots to study.
the stress comes from my stupid lacking senses.

>>September 29, 2010 at 4:17:04 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 27 日 星期一 【晴】

i m really really tired...
i started coughing again. i m really tired, not feeling very well, but still i need to look alright.
trying to be fine and alright... C* helped me today.. she asked me lots of ques to help me
remember the map and the location. i was scared of her before, but actually i do appreciate
her help. i brought her some chocolate bar to thank her.

this morning... Miki and i took train together.. she has school today.
then, today wasnt too busy at work... i had lunch with Miki.
i can already feel *R doesnt like me. its just very obvious.
anyway, it doesnt really matter. as long as i m doing my job right, i dont care whoever she is.

i wonder how come my package still hasnt got there yet.
i wonder if its lost or something. if its lost, then.... it would be such a pity.

should i tell myself i should have expected that he wouldnt talk with me as often since
i m home? even if i know, is there anything i can do to change the whole situation?
i dont think so. i ask myself is it my fault to decide to come home... or its also what he thinks
we should do as well? tracing back to the beginning, it was really my fault about increasing
the rent. so, i cant make enough money to cover that, and i cant be who i am supposed to be,
then thats why i m home now. i dont want to be angry at myself or him or anyone.

i m so tired already. i just want to be with the person i love if he loves me too. i just want
to stay with him and live together. not living in the same house but doing different things.
not like he has his world going on, i m trapped at home for nothing. he cooks his meal,
i have my crap. he spends his weekends with someone else, i m still trapped at home for
nothing. it wasnt a life there, and i dont know why i still want to be there with him.
it wasnt my life at all, it wasnt a life. it was horrible. i wanted to come home, but most likely
not coz of that, but... coz i know finally i wouldnt be his burden. but once i m home,
i miss him so much that i dont know what to do. i have thought about to give up, but i cant.

then i knew she's back there living with him now. how angry i am do you know?
i have thought about maybe it's a plan, maybe it's a lie. coz the timming is too perfect.
coz i have heard something i shouldnt have heard. coz my eyes arent blind. and now
i dont know what to do.... how hard it was for me to see her around the house before...
but i knew she didnt live there, so i wouldnt have to see them as a couple everyday.
but then of course he wouldnt understand. he was having fun, how could he care?
if he has cared enough, he would have done something different. but at that time, he just
knew his stress and his fun, he couldnt bother about how it made me think and feel.
i dont want to blame him, but it doesnt make me feel better.

Cas.... when you are typing now your heart is still bleeding, how could you tell yourself
you are fine? and look at what's happening now, she moved in after you are gone.
you are no longer living with him, and she moved in. he let her. he did let her. this is the
fact and he doesnt explain anymore. no more lies, no more ugly excuses or bull shit.
this is so real and look... she can just.... replace me completely now, has she? is it our end?
is it how we end?

he wants me to trust him, i m really really frustrated.
how can he .... do that to me?

wont risk our relationship for her? all the hugs and kisses mean nothing now, do they?
what does all these years mean to him then?

trust him.... i should trust him, have faith in him...
if i die tomorrow, he would be my only regret in my entire life.
if my life ends tomorrow, he would be the only thing that i couldnt ensure in my life.
and he is the one that i love and hate the most in the world.
ppl say, we should live the everyday as the last day of the life, so that we would
learn to appreciate what we have and know what to do, not to take things for granted.

if God is listening me, i hope He would tell me what i can do.
i m so weak and so tired of all the bull shit and unbelievable lies that i have seen and met.
please take my pain away.. please help me. please.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


he just told me.... he's going to Japan in Dec.

12:00am.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------








>>September 28, 2010 at 4:13:07 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 26 日 星期日 【晴】

i m very tired today.

i slept around 3 sth, then got up ard 1 sth pm...
i have a headache... it didnt really go away though, feeling unwell the whole day.

then resting at home, heading to my student's home ard 4 th or 5...
then after the lesson, i was really tired. my headache is bugging me, i feel so exhausted.
i called Ivy to check on her. i know she's been upset over something.

anyway... on my day off, it doesnt feel anything special.
just a day that i dont have to go to work, dont have to look all shiny and pretty all the time.
i m really exhausted. i dont want to go anywhere, dont want to do anything.
perhaps just stay home for the whole day... watching tv or movie, eating, sleeping.
sounds like a pig. anyway, i need to start exercise soon. i need more exercise.
coz it would help me feel better.

i dont feel well still...
i dont know what i can do. i dont know what i should do.
then... tomorrow when i go back to work, i would have lots of challenges.
i dont know.

brb... dinner first.

>>September 27, 2010 at 1:55:57 PM GMT+8