2010 年 12 月 27 日 星期一 【晴】

i m so tired.. so tired.

i couldnt get up this morning. like, i woke up at 6 am and i was supposed to get up ard 5 am.
i usually leave ard 6 15 or 6 20 in the morning if my shift starts at 8 am. i wanted to call sick,
but then.... no.... i better just rush up. and i was almost late. its amazing that i was still able
to get there in time. coz that early in the morning, the train is faster, and far less ppl trying to
push into the car while it took forever for the door to close.

anyway, these few days i have been chatting with honey. hummm i finally have to admit
some personal identity of myself. its just something i havent really felt before. that doesnt
apply to all situation, but on certain things, i do have changed my mind. its not as scary to
me now, but i kind of like it and want it. i dont know if i m just curious or what it is, and i
dont think it totally changes me, just at the certain situations, something has changed.

i m meeting up with Queenie C on Thurs.

work has been crazy... but now after christmas, things are getting easier, except we still
have to follow up some crap, some complains, some missing gifts. then we have to hurry
up on the survey and the reports.

i dont like working in Central. its nice to work here but the traffic sucks.
i get very stressed out on the train, before and after work. i hate it so much so much.
i m quite cranky on the train. i cant stand ppl being rude or keep pushing me.
some ppl block the whole escalator, then i cant walk or pass through then i get mad.
ppl being slow or dont want to walk, i can understand, but they should stand aside
instead of blocking the way. coz ppl like me in the rush everyday would really wanna yell
at them. at work, i have to deal with so much ppl, i dont wanna deal with more before or
after work. its just too much.

honey and i are talking about some stuffs.
i think i should go to bed before i m confusing myself.

>>December 28, 2010 at 5:45:23 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 24 日 星期五 【晴】

Merry Christmas.
Happy Birthday to Jesus.

i wanna type more, but i m not feeling very well..

i wish honey is fine. he seems very busy, and he's alone.

brb.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


yesterday was okay. but then i got a few hrs at the promotion desk, 2 hrs at the office
tower lobby. i was hoping no one would come registering their octopus card access.
it was okay, but the phone kept ringing. and some tourists just came to the tower
asking if they could get up to the highest floor. no, there really arent any restaurants upstairs.
why couldnt they just trust me? i work there and i know if there are or not.
one woman asked me when i was at the N. Concierge, she wanted to buy the gift
certificate from our mall. i told her we dont sell any here, she could go to the shops or
the department stores in our mall. she asked me to talk to the office first then tell her if
we really didnt have it or what. i looked at her and paused a second. i smiled then told her
we really didnt have it. she said the shopper told her so, and she said she wanted to
get those thousands dollars one, not a few hundred dollars one. i said no we didnt have it.
the shopper might have made a mistake then, we would remind the shoppers again later.
she was pissed and asked *Rn to check it. i passed her to *Rn. *Rn told her no. i smiled
to her, then she was pissed then left. some ppl are like that stupid, acting all arrogant and
shit. they had no ideas what they are doing and how irritating they are. maybe i m one of
them too actually. when i m being an idiot i probably wouldnt have realized that right?

anyway, i was happy to chat with honey when i was at the office lobby counter.
it was boring there. its like i rather stay at the concierge to answer questions or serving
ppl rather than staying at the lobby counter waiting ppl to approach me for the registration
or answering phone calls. its just dumb. ppl usually call in for stupid questions.
i want to get my teammates' msn. actually we are using facebook now, and facebook is
blocked at work at most locations. using facebook is fine, but somehow... hee... msn is alright.

Hong passed by another day and dropped me a gift. he called, then told me he was
doing some christmas shopping in our mall. he dropped by say hi and gave me a gift.
that was very sweet of him. but i didnt give him anything, i didnt expect he would be there.
i havent seen him since last year in Van when he stopped over Van.

after work, i met up with my family, aunt Kitty and my cousin Bella. we walked around
and went to the night market in CWB. it was okay. i ate egg tart. haha. i love egg tart.
got home pretty late though... then chatting with honey for a while.. i slept ard 4 am..

then i couldnt get up this morning. i think i got up ard 2 pm? it was a bit crazy.
then got up and went out to get food for tonight, also had dim sum with my family.
i dont know why i dont feel much for this christmas. humm probably coz........ i didnt really
have time and the energy to prepare for christmas. i got lots in my mind as well.
i worry about honey, i miss him so much.. i have spent lots of money and i dont wanna
waste money. i got lots of cheap clothes but i shouldnt waste money. then i the main
thing is that.... it feels like something is missing. i appreciate the time when i m with
my family, that's for sure. but then, something is missing. it really is. well, i want him to
be around, or i wanna be there with him. i just wanna be with him. i really do. and then
i dont have time to see my friends as well. it's just difficult. and i really miss honey, seriously.

anyway, i need to get back to work tomorrow.. and then... i m not feeling very well.
i wanna take a sick leave actually. i wanna have a nice extra holiday.
and then i m gonna tell my manager about my annal leave in March. i m going to Japan.
i havent told my family yet, but hopefully it'd be okay. my heart isnt really in HK.
its nothing wrong with my family or whatever. i love hong kong coz this is my home, although
there are a lot of things i hate hong kong about. the thing is he's not here, and i gotta be
there with him. i love him and i wanna be with him. there are so much i wanna share
with him. if i tell him that, he's gonna think it's just bs or girl likes to talk about stuffs like
that. okay whatever, i just want to express it. if i dont mean it then i dont have to be
brave to say it, coz i m a little shy actually.

anyway.. i should go to bed..
getting up ard 7 am tomorrow.

>>December 25, 2010 at 7:03:06 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 21 日 星期二 【晴】

i m so tired..

i chatted with honey last night. i m so glad that he's bringing the ring to Japan. haha..
i thought it's getting close to the end of this month, i worried i sent him too much food.
but actually he has finished all already. :) i expected they last for a week, but i think it didnt
happen. i guess they last 1 day or 2 only. but i m glad that he liked them. hee.
i wish him a warm christmas actually. i miss him so much and i really really want him.

yesterday was so busy at work, its the pain in the ass.. and i m running out of patient sometimes.
i wonder why some ppl they are just sooooo rude and sooooo stupid. today is just the same.
i hope everything would get back to normal soon after christmas.

i did some christmas shopping today before work. its okay. just bought some cookies and
chocolate actually. and then some small gifts for Shan and Queenie. i didnt buy anything
for Miki, Leggy or my parents. coz we had a deal that this year we are not gonna exchange
gift. we would eat together anyway, and the cookies and chocolate i bought today is for
them anyway. i didnt buy those expensive cards. i just drew a card then make copies on colour
paper. i dont have time to prepare for christmas this year. i have spent the most time on honey's
gift actually. i wanna enjoy the christmas time, the greatest thing is to spend time with the
ppl i love, so... yea i just wanna enjoy it with my family and honey of course. so, if i could
have better preparation, it would be great, but right now that's all i can do.

>>December 22, 2010 at 5:39:48 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 19 日 星期日 【晴】

i got up late today, i slept very late... ard 4 am?
i got up ard 1 30.. mom woke me up.

then... went out to have lunch with my parents, walked around.. the new department store
has opened already.. yea, the new Japanese one. then, humm came home for awhile,
then went to Ma On Shan to have dinner with grandpa. hummm we walked around the
mall. i bought some cheap jacket and a belt. its really cheap. well, i dont wanna buy
expensive stuffs anymore. they are all made in China anyway. with brand without brand,
as long as it's not too bad quality, they are actually all the same. as long as i look good
in them, i dont care.

i saw grandpa today. he looked happy tonight. that's good.

anyway.... i need to go back to work again. bleh...
i miss honey. it seems like i havent heard from him for awhile already..

christmas is coming so soon..
i havent done any christmas shopping at all. i dont know, just... feel happy to be with
my family.. but then, at the same time i m sad coz i cant be with him this time.
its like... something is missing. and its not just some thing, but... a big part of it is missing.
feels weird and sad.. i dont wanna be apart from him... does he miss me too?

>>December 20, 2010 at 5:54:00 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 18 日 星期六 【晴】

i try to be alright, but nope. i m not alright.

busy at work today as usual.
after work, i went to have dessert with *C. havent worked with her for awhile already.
but it's nice to catch up with her today. i got 1 hr working at the S. concierge with her
today. then after work, we went for dessert.

i m so tired, so tired.

>>December 19, 2010 at 5:35:08 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 17 日 星期五 【晴】

hi there..

today was just really busy at work. i wasnt feeling well, i got up late..
i m still feeling weird even right now. like my eyes and my throat..

i had 6 hrs at N. Concierge today.. 3 hrs at the first half shift, another 3 hrs at the second shift.
i had one hr for survey, but i was updating some record at the office. then one hr at the
promotion counter. it was the promotor *Aw's last day. so we took a few pics together.
it was so busy at the counter as well. kind of difficult. coz dont know why no one had
counted the stocks since the morning opening. then, we were running out of stock. and it's like..
the IC said they would come at 7 pm, and by 6 20, there werent much left that we could
have totally ran out before 7 pm. *L was pissed. i was just trying to help. you could slow
down the procedure, but you couldnt really slow down the whole redemption going.
coz the thing is, there are ppl coming from everywhere waiting to get the gift. if you slow
down to let them wait, they would get mad at you in the end especially if you dont actually
have the gift for them. its not the point of letting them wait longer or whatever, its the
problem of how we could get the refilling faster than 7 pm. luckily, the IC sent ppl to
deliver stocks before 7. then *L was checking and counting, then i was at the front
watching the redemption and handling those greedy customers.


at N. Concierge it was kind of crazy. it's like a war going on something. i was running out
of my patient. its like i wasnt very patient today towards some bad customers.
i was just like... Gees.. i wasnt in a very good mood today. its like some ppl are just dumb.
i think i m dumb. ppl there are just 10 times worse.. i felt so terrible sometimes, especially
i really wanted to help them or serve them well. but then i really dont know what i can do
with them. maybe i have to keep reminding myself i m just doing my job, instead of getting
mad, i should just be extra cheerful as the return to their awful attitude, they should feel
shame.

i have been practicing it at some point. i didnt mean to act for revenge, it was just like
i had no choice. i really had to be polite to them and smiled, but my words werent very
kind if they noticed that. i dont care if they spent so much buying stuffs in our mall.
if they were polite to me or respected me, i wouldnt have found them awful or terrible.
if they just think they are higher than anyone else, im sorry i really cant stand that stupid
arrogant attitude. coz there are really many rich ppl, they are just nothing. one thing for
sure, that's how stupid and ugly they actually are, and they are proud to show that
to everyone, especially to those who they think lower than them. haha. nice.

it was *L and i closing N. concierge tonight. it was just crazy the whole day there.
i told *L that i just decided to get a drink after work. then, he said he'd like to have a drink
too. then we called * H and *Sa as well. then we had a drink after work..

i m not feeling well, not feeling better after a drink actually. just got a bit drunk and sleepy.
my phone ran out of battery. i was a bit scared when i went home. coz its late and
i was wearing shorts and boots, somehow dangerous walking along on the street that late.
well, i came home safe. thanks God.

i wish i dont have to work tomorrow. i m not feeling very well really.
then got the bad news form mom just now... a little girl just died. my cousin's daughter.
i just saw her last time in the wedding dinner, then.... now she's dead. dont know what
happened exactly, but yea... sad.

i cried when i was on the bus tonight when i came home..
i didnt cry crazily, but tears just roll down on my cheeks. i fell asleep afterward.
i dont know if it's coz i m too tired lately, or i just miss him too much. i really do miss him
so much so much. but i dont wanna cry in front of ppl. coz... i dont want to show my
tears, dont wanna let ppl see my tears.

anyway, i should go to bed.

>>December 18, 2010 at 7:09:02 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 16 日 星期四 【晴】

i m not very happy today.
actually it has started since last night.

it was busy as work as usual, then the traffic was terrible as usual.
i was just exhausted when i got home, it was ard 11 30pm which was early.
i usually got home ard 11 45pm or 12. its freaking crazy.
if i took a bus then i could have a seat, but it took longer to get home.
if i take train, then i need to stand in the crowd the whole time. its just crazy.
especially after a long day at work, i really dont want to deal with anyone.

when i got home, i got the letter from hsbc also from hsb. i was kind of mad.
coz i have no time to drop by the bank, especially everytime i have to line up forever
to get to the counter. it just freaks me out. they close on weekend. they open at 9 am to 5 pm.
who the fuck could go there on the normal regular time schedule? i dont know what i m
gonna do. i dont want to call the hotline, and i cant do it on line. i cant go there on my
break these days till the end of this month. my break time is at 5 pm, they close at 5. i dont
wanna go there before work, coz it takes forever. then i cant go there after work. it's just
the huge pain in the ass. the thing is i have to go to both banks if i want to get a credit card.
i wonder what stupid proceedure i have done wrong, or in general it's just that difficult
to get a card. maybe i shouldnt be mad, coz its not gonna help anything.

anyway, i got my measurement done. i m waiting for my uniform now.. changed my
name tag as well, got the winter coat.

i called Mrs. Fung last night, i told her the situation. she told me once her staff resigned,
she would contact me. it's alright.

i went to the gym this morning before work. i need to go there more often to lose my
extra pounds.

i miss my honey. he must be very busy now... i hope everything is fine there..

i still have lots to do. i havent contacted my students for 2 weeks already. i have to
prepare classes and contact the adult one if she still wants the lesson or what. it's
pissing me off. she's always like that. then i dont have time for Ching Ching as well.
i feel bad about that but theres nt much i can do. then christmas is coming, and i have
no time to do the christmas shopping, i think i need to use my break time to do that..
but time is so limited. and during break time i just wanna rest and relax. i dont want
to deal with the ppl out there again. i m so busy. then every day off right now i m visiting
my grandpa.. i m just really tired these days..

Henry is still messaging me. i wonder when he would stop messaging me.
i've been ignoring him. he's the kind of person wont speak directly but giving you
pressure. i m so tired, how much more obvious does he need me to be?

i m at the office building reception now.. phone keeps rininging.
and then when i was at N. concierge, some ppl are just dumb. they dont even know
where they wanna go or what they want. they just speak to you non-sense and
want to get the feedback from you for something they want. but they dont know
what they want. why asking if they dont know what they are asking about?
i wanna help them but i cant.

i should go for a walk later during break time. i dont know why i m so stressed out.
i just need to breath.

*H called.
brb..


---------------------------------

>>December 17, 2010 at 7:19:42 AM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 15 日 星期三 【晴】

i m at work now...

last night was so busy. i was really tired when i got home.
so far nothing much happened.. but then tonight is gonna be so busy again.
its nice when time passes fast, but it drains you too..

i wrote honey a long email last night before bed... i was late to bed, very sleepy this morning.
i couldnt get up, i planned to go to the gym this morning before work.

i gotta call Mrs. Fun later, and also Ching Ching's mom.
i need to reschule lots of things tonight too. dont really like it.

*Py just called me.
the tailor is here, they need to measure me for making a new uniform for me.. hee.

brb..

>>December 16, 2010 at 6:59:01 AM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 13 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

i m very tired...
my only day off since 8 days ago, and tomorrow i need to go back to work. bleh...

by the way, i had my probation review yesterday. i was surprised. i didnt expect
that would happen yesterday. i thought it would be after 15th. i pass, i got 6 points
out of 10. but she said it's above average. i dont really believe her, but whatever.
its good that i pass. it helps me at work, as in... i always think i m still the trainee,
so i worry if i m lower than my other teammates. but now, i pass, and there are
two more trainees after me, so.... i should ensure myself that i m actually not that
bad. i should be more confident. i m looking forward to my own uniform and shoes
now, and then also my name tag needed to be changed :) hee.

i didnt go to Ching Ching's home tonight. i really needed a day off that i dont have to worry
or rush doing anything, anything. but the thing is, i've got lots in my mind right now,
so i just cant go to Ching Ching's home tonight.

i got up then got ready to meet up with Mrs. Fung. then, i met up with mom to visit
grandpa.we had lunch with him, and aunt Ching came join us. so, we hanged around for
a short while after lunch. went to the park with grandpa as well. then... came back to
Tai Po with mom, then walked around in the mall. i havent done any shopping since last
month i think. i did shopping for honey, i bought gifts for Leggy and Shan for their
bdays, but then didnt really buy anything for myself except food. i walked into a shop
tonight, i m looking for some skirt and shorts, and some other winter clothes actually.
then end up i bought quite some pieces with big sales. so, it was alright. it's really cheap.
then Miki, Leggy and dad came, we ate out tonight.

i met up with Mrs. Fung this morning for about 30 mins, just as i expected..
then i got a bit more info about how it's gonna be like. i m thinking about it now.

i talked with honey last night. hummm i think he's right. if the guy is serious with you,
then after he got what he wants, he would still want to be with you. like, he would
be honest with you and be open to you. if he's not serious, then he would keep playing
his games.

last night, when i saw honey saying hi to me, i was so excited. i just said it right away
i missed him. then he was like, okay. doesnt he miss me? maybe he's just too tired..

i have stopped replying Henry. i hope he understands now. i dont want him.
i could play games with him and get benefit from him, but i dont want to, i really dont
want to. so, no.

i went back to the gym yesterday. humm, i should go more often. i m thinking i m going
either tomorrow or the day after. i need to go more often, make it like a routine.
i would definitely need to lose weight and burn fat. i wanna get a hair cut too.

>>December 14, 2010 at 3:42:41 PM GMT+8

2010 年 12 月 11 日 星期六 【晴】

hi..

today... it was busy at work as usual, but i was okay.
some parent left his child in our mall, and never came back to pick him up.
so, we ended up calling the police. they came checking on the hidden camera.
sigh. what kind of parent is it?

i started to wonder... i m actually quite useless. there are certain things i m good at for
sure, but in general, i m quite useless. or say, i havent got much progress since i turned
to be an adult. maybe i have contribution to my work place before, but right now when
i am at work, i usually find myself kind of useless. there are so much i would like to do
but i couldnt, and which is good actually. the rules or guide could protect me somehow.
but then, compared with my other teammates, i find myself quite useless. i m not as
experienced at them, and i m not as fast as them. there are so many things that they
would feel okay with but i m not. for example, some sort of bad attitudes or rudeness
that's hard for me to tolerate but they would find it normal. there are certain things i dont
wanna get lazy with but they would do. they could work faster than me on certain
things, but i tend to be slower coz it spends me more time when i m being more careful.
maybe like what honey said before, i'm fucked in head.

there are so many small things i think it's important, but they think if it wont make any
big troubles then i shouldnt care about that. of course i follow them coz we are a team.
but then, i wonder if i m an alien here now? coz..... somehow it's obvious that my
style is different with them. and my duty is usually less stressful than theirs. maybe
coz they are more senior than me? maybe i shoudnt care too much right now.

anyway, i mesged back to that company manager. we are gonna set an appointment..
i m waiting for her reply to confirm the time..

i m going back to the gym tomorrow... i wanted to go this late morning before work,
but i was too dead in bed. i couldnt get up. my neck and my right shoulder are in pain,
so painful. then i stopped drinking coffee since 2 days ago.. this morning, i made
jasmine green tea with honey. it was yummy, and i feel good. tomorrow i wanna
bring banana and oat meal cookies to work.. i need some on the way breakfast
after the gym, coz i m gonna have my break ard 5 pm.

i m going to bed soon...

i miss my honey, what should i do? just get on with my life?
Henry still messages me. i dont know if i should just go up front to him, like telling him why
i m not feeling much for him. i dont know why he hasnt understood yet.
the thing is... there's a reason why that day he was being an asshole to me, and there
was a reason why i could just block him and moved on within 1 or 2 days. and after
that, its like the button has been switched. it's dead. i m just like that. it's done and dont
try to remind me what happened or telling me his regret. no, it wouldnt work.
if he reminds me what happened he would only make me hate him. like i said, i forgave
him already, and at most i could treat him like a friend of mine. like all start over again.
but if he s telling me shit that happened before and giving me pressure to accept
him again, buying me gifts, trying to sweet talking to me, it's just not gonna work.

at this moment, i just want my honey, i just want my family and friend. i just want to
figure out my future and stuffs like that. i miss my honey.. i really do though i understand
he doest wanna come on line.




'' i dont want to leave, i dont want to wake up. our memory can proof our love, what have happened
between us. it wasnt just the dream. i cant let go of it, then i cant move on. i cant get rid of
the sweet memories and the tears. in my mind, it's all about you and me.

i saw your tears when i looked into your eyes, they were like telling me something.
and your beautiful smile could only stay on my mind now. if we are gonna end anyway,
what am i supposed to do if i cant let you go? when i close my eyes, you are there.
but when i open my eyes, you are no longer here. though we have said good bye,
i still see you every time in my dream.

you know, our last hug was like the last chance for us, it sounds like the last beat of
our heart. if you are telling me you would never be next to me, never be with me again,
i m not gonna be able to move on. especially when you told me you have loved me,
that just makes me feel the worst. you would always be on my mind. ''



-----------------------

>>December 12, 2010 at 6:36:48 PM GMT+8