2011 年 4 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】

:'(

i went back to work today. i didnt want to but i had to.
i bought a doz of egg tarts for them on the way to work. wanna shut their mouth and just
simply wanna say thanks for taking over for me.

i closed the promotion counter today as i expected. nothing much. but still needed to
leave late, ard 20 mins late. i also needed to fill the forms for my sick leaves. my manager
spoke with me today to see if i was okay. i m back to work now, so i guess everything
should go back to normal for me. i m fine, at least that's what i pretend to be.

after work, i was so tired already... still coughing, but my stomach is getting so much
better now. at least i could eat today. i was so tired, and i was missing him.. i cried on the
train.... i dont know what to do actually.

i saw him on line just now when i got home, but then he went off.
am i so annoying now?

what's gonna happen?

>>April 28, 2011 at 5:04:09 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 26 日 星期二 【晴】

can he please dont leave me behind?

anyway, i took a sick leave home again, i couldnt i really couldnt go to work today.
i got up like an hr earlier coz my stomach hurt that i couldnt sleep. i got up and
took the medicine, then sit ard for awhile, then i just decided not to go to work.
i went to the doctor again. mom went with me coz she's sick too. *J gave me a
call today, told me what happened at work while i was away. nothing good.
coz i was supposed to have the late shift and close the promotion counter.
but i called in sick for both days, so the girls are not happy about that they had to
take over. i know they would be bitchy and pissed when i go back tmr...
but i didnt choose to get sick, its not like i just want some extra day off or want
to hang out with my bf so i take a day off, i m not like them. i m sick, i need to stay home.
i fucking need to stay in bed most of the time when i m awake. i eat then i puke.
if i dont eat then i cant take medicine. but after the medicine or food, i puke.
i cant sit straight or stand, i need to crawl my body to make myself feel slightly better.
and i cough and have chest pain, its just nasty.

*Me called me to check on me, and asked if i could work tmr... i told her yea i would
go back tmr. i think when i go back, i probably would be like a criminal to them.
*J already told me they complaint and bitched about me. i cant care now though.
they can think whatever they want.

i.. miss him... i dont know what to do if my life is without him.
i m so scared inside. coz its getting so close now but i still couldnt figure out the way.
i dont know what to do.... i dont know what i can do.

every cloud has a silver lining. is it true?









i pray, and i hope God is listening..

>>April 27, 2011 at 4:56:38 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 25 日 星期一 【晴】

i have been very sick in the past few days,
i went to the hospital last night. took a few tests, i was okay.
the doctor prescribe a few more medicine for me. so now i have like 11 to take.

i took a sick leave on Sun then today and Mon were my day off, i had like 3 days
resting at home. i didnt really go anywhere except meeting Ivy for 2 hrs walking her
dog with her. then i just stayed in bed or had lunch with my parents. mom has been
taking care of me. i couldnt eat, and once i ate or took medicine then i wanted to
throw up. its nasty. and i got body hurt inside and outside as well. just very weird.

but i gotta return to work tomorrow. it would suck......... but i cant take anymore
sick leave now. i was in the hospital last night, my parents were with me, i knew i was
pretty lucky. i didnt want them to worry, i was pretty sick. i knew i wouldnt die but
just suffered a lot. and i feel like i bother my family lots. especially my sisters were being
so extra nice to me, that's sweet. maybe that's what a family means. i love my
family so much, and i also miss him so much so much.

i talked with him for a bit yesterday.. anyway, i m very worried actually, and i have no
one to turn to. i find myself very... useless and helpless. i dont know what to do..

>>April 26, 2011 at 4:49:05 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 23 日 星期六 【晴】

i m very sick today, i took a sick leave again.... damn it....
i got up and found really sick, i was coughing and almost puke, then i found so hot like having
fever, so i checked my temperature, i got fever... then i just called to the office telling them i
couldnt work today.

i made the reservation then went back to bed. i felt soooooo terrible today.
i couldnt eat actually. i forced myself to take a small bite of bread or snack once a while,
but i just wanna throw up. and just now for dinner i only had a few sip of congee and 3 slices of
orange. i stayed in bed most of the time...

but then i miss him so much, i keep thinking of him... it reminds me when he was sick that
time. he was very sick, and i was so worried. he mesged me at night calling help, but my phone
was on vibrate.. i was so scared when i saw his mesg, i ran down to his room to check on
him. he asked me why i didnt go help him. my heart was so pain. i also remember i made
him chicken soup n went to the clinic with him...

hows he now? i really miss him so much.. :'(

>>April 24, 2011 at 2:58:50 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】

i was coughing so bad today.. especially in the morning and at night.

i went jogging this morning before work, but i couldnt do it, i was feeling really sick.
so, i only ran for 25 mins then i had to stop. my whole body was so sore and so lack of
energy. i was walking home so slow so slow.. i took a hot shower then ate some breakfast
i didnt wanna go to work..

it was super busy today, i was exhausted... everywhere is so packed coz of the long
easter holidays. i dont know, i have been very patient on train already.. i m so sick and
tired of the traffic actually.

i got his mesg on skype but couldnt talk... so... i emailed him at work when i could finally
use the internet for a min. i cant say i dont worry, but i gotta have faith in him, he will be fine.
i know he will. for the sake of himself and me, he has to be fine. i think.
i just dont know how we're gonna contact each others though... 8 mths arent short.
what about the place he's staying, is it gonna be safe, what if the earth quake comes
again, *(touch wood), or some other problems again.. i m worried of course.
i m gonna miss him soooo much, and i dont know what to do... actually i dont know what
to do now as well. i wish i could be good enough to earn more money but i couldnt.
and i know i m so powerless and useless. i love him but i couldnt do much to help him...
i dont wanna lose him, but i'd never heard him saying anything about us actually.
so, maybe i m just wasting my time, but if it could help him a bit, then i cant care if its
a right thing to do or not for myself. maybe this is very stupid, but what else can i do?
maybe he doesnt love me or want me, maybe he wouldnt want me or be with me,
but what can i do? does that mean i shouldnt help him now or i could just move on easily?
i dont think so... its not like if i can or i cant, of course i can, or it would be better for me,
but i still wouldnt do that. maybe that's why i'm always the weaker one, coz i m too soft,
i think i might be the type of person who would scarify for another person. i dont know if
its good or bad, i just know right now as long as he's fine then i d be fine. if hes not fine
then i m not fine. but in the end if he doesnt love me or wouldnt be with me, then i would
be screwed and i dont know what to do with myself by then.. but right now, i concern
on his side more than mine.

i still recall lots of memories of Van.. with him, with myself, with my friends and other
pics of my life there. its just......... so memorable and precious for me.
i love them all, i love the society there, i love the living style there, and i love my family and
friends here too. i like japan too, probably only coz japan is less stressful for me and the
main reason is coz he's there.

i felt so terrible this morning, i didnt wanna go to work but i had to. coz... if i didnt show up
today, its gonna be so tough for them tonight. the promotion work load was not as heavy
as those before, but the thing is it makes it so hard on us these days coz they didnt hire any
promotors, which means all of the sudden we have the double workload but so much less
sources and manpower. i had like 2 hrs at that desk, and i was so busy that i couldnt have
a min break. i was taking record and entering data at the same time, then my partner was
doing the talking and handling gift and other enquiries. and we still couldnt have time to
chat. then had to count the stock and shit. at my last three hrs, i was at the north counter,
the busy one. but only one person at the promotion desk, it was just impossible to do all
the redemption by one person, and also need to do the counting and packing and the report
at the same time. so i was working at that busy counter, helping my partner to close the
counter and then running to the promotion desk for help, back and forth and helping packing
and counting things.. and we three girls still couldnt finish work on time. it was like 15 mins
late, but it was kindda lucky already. before, *H and *R got off for 45 mins late.

anyway, tmr i have the night shift, so cant take sick leave as well... actually cant take any
sick leaves these days till the promotion end.

and.... its so close to the end of this month as well.. its gonna be so challenging for me
from now on till 8 mths later. not only financially, also for my whole living life... i dont know
how i m gonna handle myself and everything. i m scared, but..... i gotta have faith in it.
i should pray.

dont cry, Cas... dont be scared.. you cant fall now.
i keep telling myself that he needs me, but then i wonder if he really needs me or wants me.
does he actually miss me or still love me?








>>April 23, 2011 at 5:11:05 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 21 日 星期四 【晴】

hi...






i remember i always play these two songs when i was in Van. especially when i was out
for a walk by myself, i always do that in the early evening, or on the weekend when i was
alone. i like going to the park at steveston, i was always there, walking and jogging.
i liked that two songs a lot, but i'd always wonder i was so useless, and i couldnt fulfill him.
there was always someone else there, who he would rather spend time with, that person
wasnt me. and the thing is, i felt like i was his baggage, and he wasnt happy to be with me
or spend time with me. i wanted to leave and i didnt want to be my family's burden or his
burden. i lost my confidence for everything. i wanted to leave not coz i didnt love him but
i just thought i couldnt be that one for him, i wasnt the one for him anymore.
but i didnt go, i didnt leave till i had to leave.. but even though i have decided to come back
to hong kong, but i didnt break up with him, coz i did love him too much and he didnt want
to break up with me as well. i felt like i should come back to hk and looked for a new job
and i shouldnt let him down. so i came back and got a job within a week. and that's the
job i m doing now, i also took tutoring job on a side. my self esteem has been quite low
actually, but i hasnt given up, did i?

i love him, i think of him, and now i wonder if i have done anything wrong..
what if i have let him go, then would things be changed and be better for him now?
i dont know. i just know...... i already dont know what else i can do. i m scared.
i dont know what to do...

i was so tired at work today, really exhausted.... promotion starts, and they didnt hire
any promotors this time. it sucks. we have to take care all the work, and we are running
out of ppl. everyone is so tired.

its getting so close to the end of this month... i m so scared..

>>April 22, 2011 at 4:30:18 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

did i do sth wrong?

anyway... worked today, went to the bank this afternoon during lunch,
exhausted, then.... met with Ivy for awhile after work. i m really exhausted.
yesterday *C invited me for coffee after work, sure, i wanted to relax,
so we went to Starbucks. she asked me how i'm doing and how's my bf.
she said she hasnt chatted with me for awhile at work. i told her i didnt wanna talk about
personal things at work these days. we talked for awhile, she asked me how's everything
with me. i told her not good, but i didnt say much. i told her i was alright but i did have lots
to think about now. i was just not showing at work. well, what do you expect?

i miss him, i ... i dont know what to do..
somehow i wonder if i did something wrong... or what i should do now..
i find myself very useless.

>>April 21, 2011 at 3:09:12 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

i.... m so exhausted..
my coughing is getting serious today.

i emailed honey today, i dont know..










>>April 20, 2011 at 3:38:05 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 18 日 星期一 【晴】




i didnt want to go to work.. but i had to..
then... nothing much, nothing special. same ppl, same idiots. promotion gonna start soon.
when i was leaving, Miki came, so we left together. got bubble tea on the way home.
just felt really hungry and need to relax. i was pretty exhausted, but i wanted to go for
exercise actually. i need to breath, i need some exercise to let that energy out.
i could go to the gym but i hate there, its crowed, the ppl are bad. i feel stressed there.
good that Miki came, so... i have a company. i really wanna cry but i tell myself i cant
fall right now... not right now.

the bank has replied me already, i could separate my bill, so i dont need to pay for the
lap top at once. thats good.

i was doing some research on line, i dont know... just trying to get any second job.
i miss him, i thought of him, i think of the days in Van... i think of him, i think of us..
i cant let him go. i'm with him, i wont leave him. i dont know what to do though...
if money can solve the problem, then it's not a real problem. but lack of money is
a problem. i cant make that much money to cover the cost there.
i feel terrible, but its not gonna help.

i pray... Does God hear my prayer? He does, yea?
i m so scared..

at work today, *Rn and *L both looked pretty upset, and i saw their facebook status..
both were making some complain about their bf/gf.. all the fights i have heard of were
just some minor things, but they just wouldnt understand how lucky they actually are.
so i usually dont really comment, and i dont share my problems with them.
i wish... i wish what honey dealing with now is just some minor thing like.... changing
job or choosing girls or some tiny minor complains to me or anyone.. not like what's
actually happening to him and us now, you know? its like just shut up, ppl.
i especially hate ppl when they pretend to be so poor and seeking ppl' sympathy.
some ppl even pretend they are sick, no, they are not sick. they are just pathetic.
the real sick ppl are sick, and they need to be cared and need the real concern,
but not those ppl who are just really lucky with their lives but keep complaining shit.
those are the real ones who deserve to be put on the difficult situations so that they
would learn what real life is what problems could happen in life and how they should
handel their life and shut up.

i m very mean, my words are harsh, coz i could be nice and sweet, but right now
i just cant do it anymore. when i m watching what's happening there, what's been
happening around the world, i just cant stand ppl keep complaining about so many
minor things. i m so sorry.. i m really sorry.

i m in a terrible mood everyday. could anyone understand me then? no.
but i still have to wake up, put on make up, got squeezed into the fucking train,
went to work a whole day, dealing with bitches and assholes, pretending i m fine,
but i m crying inside. i cant do nothing, NOTHING. do i have a choice then?
should i keep bitching to ppl then? to those who dont care? publish my story to
the whole world on the facebook? and ppl come leaving mesgs for me? NO. THANKS.

i'm so scared....... i really am..

>>April 19, 2011 at 3:59:49 PM GMT+8

2011 年 4 月 17 日 星期日 【晴】

what should i do?
i dont understand..
life's been so difficult there, but i m here cant do anything.

i had my day off today, i didnt do much...
got up late, then had breakfast, went out for a walk and had coffee with Miki,
then, waited for my parents, and accompany them for lunch, then... i bought some
eye liner and mascara, i need them. then, went to the market with mom,
walked home, i rested for a short while then i went jogging.
came home, chatting with honey while having dinner. i m worried about him.

i miss him and i worry about him.
but i cant do anything, can i? i dont have the ability to help or what it is? i just dont
know what to do now.

>>April 18, 2011 at 4:08:19 PM GMT+8