2012 年 2 月 6 日 星期一 【晴】

i m home today for the whole day reading the book for the test tmr.
i m not quite ready actually. i dont want to drive, i dont like driving. i'd never wanted to learn
coz i know i d not be a good driver. i m scared of the machines and things bigger than myself.
traffic out there is crazy, why would i wanna drive? but i have no choice now. maybe i'd pass?

i m really bad today...
i saw him on line and i kept saying hi to him. i find myself a bit annoying.
i doubt he'd reply me, and right, he didnt reply. i dont know... like i said, i guess he's busy.
well, he must be busy since he's home, he needed to take time to finish prep.

i've thought about maybe he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. maybe he wants me to
go away. but if that's the case, i rather he tells me straight. coz... i dont know if i could
handle more... you know.. i m nearly breaking down. if i hear the straight answer, i'd turn
myself into some sort of rational mode and try my best to move on and let go. if it's like i have
to get it on my own, fuck that shit i cant handle more. i hate guys being like that. cant even
come clean with what they want. saying like just wanna be nice and dont wanna hurt the
girl. NO. it's been hurting the girl anyway, what makes it better now with lies, linger with
bunch of bullshit making her believe in shits that dont exist? if ppl want to leave why
cant just be straight forward? if cant speak it out, then why's that? coz you care or coz
you are still in love with her or him? or tired to explain? no matter what reason it is, i prefer
the truth and be straight forward. this way i dont need to wonder anymore.

i got *K's message again. i still havent replied him anything. to be honest, i dont want
to talk to him or anything. it seems very mean to ignore him, but i think i cant be threatened.
he's not gonna listen he's not gonna understand. he keeps saying he knows but he doesnt
understand. he apologizes for nothing. and i m so sick and tired of his tricks.
to be honest, i cant trust him that he wasnt doing that on purpose to test me. i do think
that he did want to test me and see how i'd react. and that was a pretty low class act.
and it was a very terrible timing for his childish act. friends? do friends do that? no, not mine.
he asked me if he did something wrong and why i seemed ignoring him. he's right,
but i just dont want to explain anything, and he should take my silence as his answer.
i hate ppl lying to me, i hate ppl making up stories about me.

and i also hate ppl taking advantages of the weak ppl. thinking they're smart so just bully
the weak ones. i wont accept that.

i miss him, but seems like i need to ask myself why and if he misses me too then he could
say hi, but he didnt. well, i can understand, but is there other reasons too?

>>February 7, 2012 at 4:59:49 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 5 日 星期日 【晴】

i dont know.
there were too many things happening at the same time,
somehow i just wanted to escape to somewhere i m not familiar with.
then i'd be drunk and lost.

i met with *F another night, had a couple of drinks, were quite drunk but i made it
home. of course mom and dad asked why i drank. for me it's like oh yea why cant i drink?
got a little bit hengover the day after when i got up to work, but i survived.
*F is getting a little too much these days, hope she'd be alright. Lilly left her, so... hope she'd
be fine... *C broke up with her bf as well. i thought he might be her last one...

ppl saw my facebook status lately, then asked me about what's going on..
i posted some angry mesg, yea. but i'm ok.. i mean... even if things arent right, ppl cant
help me anyway. thanks for the concerns but i'm ok. i was just angry with *K and someone
else. i hate *K. he intentionally made me feel bad while i 'm sad enough lately, why?
coz i didnt want to be with him? coz i didnt wanna be close with him?
was that my fault? no, i dont like him, i dont. he keeps messaging me, i do feel quite
uncomfortable now. i dont even want to see him at work.

i saw honey on line. i dont know if he's busy, i guess if i keep saying hi it could be
quite disturbing. i miss him, but somehow.... i dont know. i just think he must be very
busy now.. maybe i should focus on myself as well. just stay alone, spending time with myself
shouldnt be that bad.

>>February 6, 2012 at 6:22:39 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】

there are two reasons why i m smiling.
one, coz i m being real to the ppl around me, two, coz i m pretending and lying to myself
and the others that i m ok.

*C said i m a strong person, i look soft but inside i m strong.
i said no, somehow i m not so strong. she said she has never seen me cry.
i dont show tears coz i know how weak i am. if i cry, i m gonna break down.
it obviously isnt suitable for my profession at work. i was warned once about letting ppl
see my emotion, i m not gonna let that happen again. i dont show tears doesnt mean i m
not hurt or i m ok. it just simply coz i cant let ppl see how weak i m. im too scared.
i m not ok. and ppl dont know how much efforts it takes for me to pretend i m ok.

i m faithful to myself, i stand for the truth that doesnt mean i m not scared or i wont
feel anything. i might be smiling but at the same time crying inside. ppl dont need to know
coz i dont mean to show. i dont show not coz i m strong, just because i m too weak for
that, i cant handle more. usually ppl wont understand that, except honey. he does.

and i hate ppl lying to me, especially for those who knows me.
i can make friends with ppl easily, but i m also very sensitive. i cant accept ppl lying
to me, i cant accept ppl taking advantage of my trust and kindness. coz i m just that weak.
when i m nice, i m being real. and i dont hide that coz i dont. so when ppl take advantage
of me, that really hurts me. i m not stupid, i m just being real, i m just being faithful to
myself, being faithful to my believes.

>>February 2, 2012 at 6:41:22 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】

i went to the bank this afternoon during lunch.
i m wondering going to the post office tmr before work..

i m exhausted.

it's not what it is killing me, it's ... just something i cant explain and i wont be able to know
till it comes. everyday, everyday is the same.
everyday i wanna rest more, but i know why i couldnt get into bed, coz i m not peaceful.
i wanna eat, i wanna watch tv, i wanna do this and that, i dont wanna stop, coz i dont feel
safe. i m really insecure. but everyday facing the stress at work is just driving me nuts,
and i m still trying to run away by that kind of method, i mean my job makes me become
another role... all smiling and being nice to the ppl i cant agree with. its totally forcing myself.
i m trying to get tough, so i could overcome everything.. and all i want is him, i need him.

i feel so difficult.. i dont know where i'm going or what i'm gonna do actually.
i m scared but i cant tell anyone coz its not helping much, well that's what i think.
i can sahre tears or sadness with my closest friends but i m still the one facing them
my own. so.. i guess i gotta be alone.

it's 1 am again, i hate i need to get to work tmr. but yea, maybe spending some time at
work could help me feel easier. i dont know or maybe just make things worse for myself,
my health, my feelings, everything. i dont know come complicated my feelings are.
i love some of my co-workers, coz they are real ppl they dont cheat or makes stories.
we could talk straight and laugh, no need to pretend to be something else.
but some are just hard to deal with. it's just a job anyway.

i miss him, that's the most difficult for me right now.

>>January 31, 2012 at 5:01:19 PM GMT+8

2012 年 1 月 29 日 星期日 【晴】



>>January 30, 2012 at 6:12:10 AM GMT+8

2012 年 1 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】

work was busy as usual.
i'm lonely.

Ying has been messaging me again. she told me she broke up with her gf.
i passed by Mong Kok, gave her a mesg, then i met her to say hi.
didnt stay long, only 10 mins to chit chat a bit then i left.
good to see her again. i brought her some cookies. she did grow up.
she's not as shy as before, or at least she's getting taller now.

i miss him. i need him.



















>>January 29, 2012 at 4:37:23 AM GMT+8

2012 年 1 月 26 日 星期四 【晴】

:'(

i took bus home, i got 1 hr OT again anyway...
got more red pockets, but work was crazily busy.

i took bus, then i called Shan, my best friend..
i asked if i could drop by. then i bought some drink to her office.
i wanted to get drunk actually.
good to see her today, havent met her since chinese new year.
we catch up, had some drink. then we walked home together.

i miss him.
i want him to be here with me instead.
i need him to be around, i need someone to hold me and hug me.
i need some hug.

>>January 28, 2012 at 7:38:55 AM GMT+8

2012 年 1 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

i almost cried at work today.
its too much, too much for me. i guess there hits the point where i dont really like my job
anymore. i dont mind to serve the ppl who i know, but assholes and bitches, i dont think
i can put up with that shit anymore. its really like.... unacceptable. i really wanted to cry.

when i left, i took bus so i could rest and the bus is not crowded and much quieter than train.
i cried. and i really missed honey.

i dont wanna go back to work tmr... i hate it.

>>January 26, 2012 at 6:41:46 AM GMT+8

2012 年 1 月 21 日 星期六 【晴】

tmr.... is the Chinese New Year again.

may everyone a happy and fruitful year ahead. have good health as well.
stay sweet and pleasant as the peach blossom.

i m not very happy lately. not feeling good at work.
dont feel like to work, dont wanna get out of bed.
i miss him as well.

>>January 22, 2012 at 6:43:35 PM GMT+8

2012 年 1 月 20 日 星期五 【晴】

i'm not happy today.

>>January 21, 2012 at 4:02:56 PM GMT+8