2012 年 5 月 14 日 星期一 【晴】

:(

i've been back for 5 days already.
i m trying my best to occupy all my time, make myself as busy as possible.
i m not enjoying it, but just try to make time passing faster.
but i m exhausted and i think of him a lot, i miss him so much.

i can't sleep, i m restless.
maybe i need some rest? i don't know.

>>May 15, 2012 at 6:20:44 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 13 日 星期日 【晴】

i m exhausted..
i met with Shan before work for a coffee this morning..
then i went back to work, very tired today.
tar i'll have driving lesson before work.
still have five more days of work till my next day off.






>>May 14, 2012 at 6:04:52 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 12 日 星期六 【晴】

i got tutoring this morning before work.
i gave my student the stickers today. she liked them. i'd need some time to prepare some
stuffs for her exam preparation now. her exam is coming soon.

work was so-so, same... but at least i had my friends today. not as worse as yesterday.

tomorrow i'll meet with Shan for a coffee before work. just wanna meet my best friend..

i miss honey so much... and i got his email today. i really miss him much..
i wanna go back there. my heart is still there.

i m thinking to apply to HK Air and Dragon Air... Cathay is not taking new ppl now.
i want to be able to earn more money and have more holiday.. then if i m a flight attendant,
then i could go to japan more often. even if i need to pay for the flight, i pay 10% only.
even though it's tough work, it pays off. i m not sure if i'd be ever able to become one,
i just wanna keep trying now...






>>May 13, 2012 at 6:26:38 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 11 日 星期五 【晴】

:'(

i couldn't sleep last night... i slept ard 5 am this morning i think..

work was tough today. too much bullshit. i m getting really sick of them.
its like.... just... there are so many things just don't make sense at all.
i start to ignore some of the girls at work, i mean i start ignoring their attitude or what they said.
coz what they were trying to do was just trying to manipulate ppl ard them to make themselves
better. i don't want this game, and i don't want to entertain them.
i was with *B today, it was so close for me to tell her to fuck off. i can't stand her.
i just ignored her. but i m not sure if it ever happens again i might ask her to shut up.
and i was pissed off about how cunning she was to trick the new girl today. she shouldn't have
said that to that new girl. it was a total set up.

i miss him even more today... seriously, i wonder what to do now.
i emailed him while i was back but he hasn't replied yet.

i wanna continue learning Japanese from his program, but i can't coz i don't have enough
time to rest already. i m stressed, i m busy working everyday, i still need to take care of
other stuffs. but i promise myself i'd get time to study japanese. he spent a long time
helping me to improve my laptop, and install things for me, i can't waste them.

i'll have tutoring tomorrow... i m so exhausted already but i m restless.
i couldn't sleep.

i uploaded some of the pics on fb and only allows some of my real friends to see them.
i don't want my private life and the deepest feelings become some entertainment for
those ppl i don't care. i rather share them with my real friends.

there are lots of things i wanna do actually...... sigh.. i need another to-do list..
then i also need to apply for other job... Cathay just announced they'd stop hiring for awhile.
omg... i was going to re-apply at the end of this month. now... i need to think about that.

i miss him... what should i do? :'(

>>May 12, 2012 at 6:36:51 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 10 日 星期四 【晴】

hi...

i didn't wanna go to work this afternoon..
i got up a little earlier, just that i knew myself would not be alright so... just wanted to ..
you know have extra time.. and not to be too stressful.. but the thing is..
i still forgot to bring my coffee, i made coffee but left it home.. i prepared cereal but
forgot to bring it. i forgot my mirror as well. i forgot everything.

i still haven't unpacked my stuffs yet. its like.... i m so tired.. maybe that's just an excuse.
i didn't want to bring gifts to work as well. my stuffs are so messy.
then i called to confirm with my driving lesson and the tutoring. just gotta make sure
my schedule is still running fine.. then i went to work, walked slower though..
changing my uniform.. i lost some weight didn't i? anyway, good to lose weight.
then i tried to update with my co-workers about what'd been happening at work while
i was gone...

and of course my mom has asked about honey... some of my co-workers asked about
my trip... then some friends chatted with me as well.... lots of chat, some are not so
interesting at all, just some fake stuffs.. some are alright coz at least they are not fake.
i hate to entertain ppl when i know they don't actually care but acting like they do.
just cut off the crap please, no need to pretend anything. i rather enjoy the moment of
silence that makes more sense to me, at least i could have the peace of mind.

on the train i was kindda pissed off... same as yesterday at the airport or on the flight..
i don't understand its like i have put music on, quite high on the volume too, but still,
i could hear them talking loud and being so freaking rude. its just not possible.
and while waiting for the baggages, they are just blocking the whole way thought i was
already there and i made sure there was enough space for myself. then all of the sudden,
5 of them all jumped in front of me and stood there. its like what the fuck??
i was really pissed off actually. but whatever. i shouldn't be surprised.
today on the escalator at the train station, one person blocking the whole escalator,
i was in a hurry, so i just told him like excuses me, you're blocking everyone.
i can't stand ppl like that.

i don't seem to be in good mood today, i try to be.
in fact i m putting effort to get on my schedule and trying to put things back into my
routine. its just hard, coz obviously i miss him enough to do all these things to make
myself busy and shit. but i don't feel any better. i m still nice and polite to the ppl ard me.
i guess after a holiday, i m not as tensed. especially back to work, saw my friends,
not my best friends. i still haven't contacted them yet. i should mesg them but i haven't.
i wanna meet with them but i m not sure about my time schedule yet. got a bunch
of things to do actually.

i don't know... i miss him, i wanna see him soon again, but at the same time i know i need
to be independent, and i m doing all i can to stay busy.. well at least need some time to
withdraw myself, like detach myself from being emotional. i love him, i worry the more i
deny on my feelings, the harder for me to get back to my life here. its not like i have a
different life or a different role or anything. just that i m back here, and it'd be a while
before we could see each others again. i miss him so much so much so much but that
isn't gonna help me to feel better. and i m not sure what i'm gonna do. at this moment,
shouldn't i just try to tell myself to calm down and keep busy?

anyway, there were more i wanted to do before i go, but somehow i have thought about
the pro and con, so ... i wasn't sure if i should do that. then like, i don't wanna forget anything
happened during my trip. i just don't know what to do..

my shoulders, my right arm, and my thighs are so painful..
i just went back to work for 1 day, then i got my body hurt again.


i guess i gotta be strong... at least a little stronger..
i remember his hug and he has told me not to worry too much.
i remember what he told me, about going back there and he loves me.
i believe in him.

is he doing good today?






>>May 11, 2012 at 8:13:06 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

i'm home.
i miss him already.

i almost missed my flight, i was really scared like.......
it was my mistake that i didn't check the bus schedule for myself.
anyway, i was really lucky, coz Ayako and honey helped me out in the end.
just that i needed to take the train by myself that was frightening me.
my first time taking train without him and it was all the way to the airport.
it's raining and shit... just .... another highlight in my trip.

i see lots of things this time... i m sure it'd take me a while to write them all here...
its like.... i've seen a lot of things... about him.

i don't think i'd publish my pictures to everyone on my Facebook..
maybe only a very few friends like my best friends could see my pictures..
not even sure if i'd like to allow my friends from work to see them.

so.... he has asked me to... visit again soon, not to wait till another year.
of course i'd love to do that. of course.
like... i can't explain how much i love him and i feel like... my life sucks now.
i don't know how long it'd take me to... you know.. to try not to be too sad.
i m not in good shape now. i m not crying crazily but i m sad..
i should go to bed first...

work start again tomorrow at 1 pm. it sucks..
gonna need to say hi to everyone, then they'd ask where i've been..
then i need to tell the ppl that i went to Japan.. then they'd ask for different things..
that's fine, just a normal chi-chat.. but to those who're so fake, they already knew
i was going to Japan to see honey, then they'r gonna ask about my relationship,
they'd ask about stuffs i did or places i went to... for me, my trip means so much
more than just sightseeing actually. and if it's about my relationship, i m sorry i don't
feel so obligated to tell them every details of myself or my love relationship, i m not
so enthusiastic to make my private life become the part of their gossips.
obviously some of them don't like me for some reasons, so.... why bother?
do they really care about me? i don't know and i don't think so.

i really need some rest now...
don't know how he is now.

>>May 10, 2012 at 6:38:09 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

vacation is over soon.
it kindda feels like standing at the cross now.
thinking about what'd happen when i go back to HK.
the day after, i'm gonna go back to work, seriously need to look for another job.
need to continue with with tutoring and my driving lesson.

can this vacation continue if i don't want to go back to my life in hk?
i don't think so. i have a family there, i have my friends there, i have a job there,
i have a life there. i don't have a detail plan in my life, i sort of understand which direction
i should go for, but that's not enough. i know its not enough. but that's life, isn't it?
the best laid plan isn't usually followed. there always are some unexpected things
forcing some changes, no one cares if you like it or not, it would just happen.
but if i can choose, i'll definitely choose to stay. not coz i wanna run away from hk
the place i m from, just coz i want to be with him.

to be honest, i try not to cry. i try to be positive and just remember the good time
as my best memories. but who says i won't miss him? i already know i'd miss him so much.
why is it so hard everytime when i need to leave? i hate this kind of feelings.

please dont forget me. i don't wanna go home not coz i wanna run away, but i definitely
want to be with him. i don't mind to work my ass off in hk, i don't mind to be suffering
for different things, but please i beg i could see him again. soon. i don't want to wait
for too long. i'd miss him too much.

Cas, my dearest Mei Kwan, you gotta be strong.

brb..

>>May 9, 2012 at 1:24:31 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 6 日 星期日 【晴】

he had lesson today, and i went there with him.
i saw how he taught and i saw a good potential man in him.
this time, i mean my trip, i see him quite into kids. i think it's not only coz of teaching.
he likes kids, and he wants to contribute to the next generations.
i love him, that's just the fact.

i talked to him today... i didn't ask very directly coz i don't think i should.
from what i saw today and yesterday, from the time being i have known him for long,
i don't think he hurts me on purpose completely.
and tonight i just.... talked to him, and i heard his answer, well i saw his answer.

>>May 7, 2012 at 5:36:51 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 5 日 星期六 【晴】

guys are just the weirdest animals in the world.
i don't know why i like guys even though my best friends are all girls.
i don't know why i love him and i m really clueless about guys sometimes.
its like i get the picture but hard to accept. guess the fact is the fact.

i don't need to be dependent on him, but somehow since i m in his place then i gotta
respect his living here, and i m not about to complain or anything, coz i can clearly see
what he's been through and what he's been trying to do for me. i don't blame him for
anything, but can he at least tell me what happened last night?
i totally freaked out but i just didn't wanna make him feel worse.
i don't know why he has to avoid me again. its pissing me off. i m serious.
it hurts me because it does feel like he's punishing me while i don't know what i did wrong.
he has done a lot for me, a lot and a lot. i don't want to complain but please, i guess i have
the right to know either it's something bothering him or i did something wrong or he's not well?
i'd never really be brave enough to give it a start but end up seeing his reaction that's just...
worries me.

we had really good time the last two days, can anyone tell me what the fuck has gone wrong?

he knows i care, and the more i care, the more he wants to run away from me.
its just stupid as hell. i don't come here to play children game with him.
yes, i come here to see him and spend time with him. we had good time, but that doesn't
mean i only survive in the fairly tale, i m a real person.
why can't we face things together that he thinks i have to be avoided when he has problems?
do i really deserve that now? he puts that image on me for way too long. i m sick of it now.
i love him but he doesn't seem to understand me that i don't have to be the little girl
he sees me as. yea, i m stupid sometimes, but i m an adult who is capable for many things.
i don't speak the language here, i don't recognise places here, but that's not my fault.
i m not sure what he thinks of me, am i someone extra here?

i'd need to talk to him. i really appreciate what he has done for me, but can he just
stop being so avoiding please?

>>May 6, 2012 at 2:36:18 PM GMT+8

2012 年 5 月 2 日 星期三 【晴】

super tired. exhausted.

im waiting to aboard now...
kindda excited, just wanna enjoy my trip this little holiday.

hopefully everything will go fine.

too much bs at work already, and i cant believe that i was late to work this morning.
super weird.

dont know how it feels like when i see him. finally we are meeting again.
i miss him, kindda excited, feel peaceful though. dont know how to describe this kind of feeing.

ohhhh they just announced the flight is gonna be delayed..

00:06am



now, i m going to aboard in 10 mins.
my trip starts now, this time is for real isnt it? :)

01:23 am.

>>May 2, 2012 at 5:23:54 PM GMT+8