i m off today, but i didnt sleep very much actually.
i couldnt sleep last night, i stayed up till 4 sth i think...
my left eye went swollen and red, discharge coming out..
then i got up and called the clinic for an appointment.
i went to the clinic, then called Shan, wanna see if she's free for a coffee during lunch.
she dropped by the clinic after lunch, i was still there waiting for my medicine.
then i bought some japanese magazine from the convenient store. i like that magazine bag.
it wasnt expensive actually, kind of cool. then i met Shan, bought a coffee and chatted
for a few mins, then i went to meet my parents for late lunch...
after lunch, then went to the Chinese doctor as well, got the chinese medicine,
then walked around and bought food for dinner with mom. i did some little shopping today,
bought two dresses, very lovely but really cheap, big discount.
i just wanna do something to cheer myself. it worked for the first one hr, then doesnt
work anymore.
dont ask me why i'm so upset.. i couldnt even know what i wanna do anymore.
i dont know what i'm gonna do or what's right or wrong to do.
i reactivate my stupid account on that stupid cupid website.
i dont really like it, the ppl there suck. i dont mean to find anyone there to be honest.
i tried filling in the profile for doing it, and i found that actually what i'm looking for is just
that simple. i m never a difficult person or looking for much. my life style is pretty simple.
then i browsed ard ppl' profile, and i find them suck. i feel so sorry for them,
some of them are just pathetic. i m not filling it for finding anyone, i m doing it just for
doing it to be honest. i dont even wanna meet anyone honestly.
i m just upset that i m stuck with my feelings, i feel so suffocating, so hard to breathe,
while everything is falling apart, and i m the one stuck here... and you know the most
difficult part is that, i start to wonder i m the one causing these happened.
coz how would i have never thought about he might need someone next to him,
and that one just couldnt be me coz he doesnt want me? maybe it's too hard for him
to ask me to leave so he has been suggesting me to leave him and he could
have someone else. and how selfish i am that i have been keeping him with me,
while it's all about the one side thought only. so,... i dont know..
i dont know what to do, and i dont know what he actually thinks.
i love him, i do, but if he doesnt then why did he say he loves me?
but when i saw that on line, i freaked out and couldnt think.
after these two days, i've been trying to calm down..
and i guess what hurts me is that... i love him and i think if he loves me then he wouldnt
want to give up on me, and if he doesnt want to give up then why doing these?
if he doesnt want to be with me, then why not just leave me?
he's the honest person that i know of and being so proud of, and i dont really feel
disappointed so often. he'snt flawless, but i can accept him. but why? why he wants someone
else, a life partner someone who can spend time with, meet often, even travel together, but
that person actually could not be me? so he wants me or doesnt want me?
>>March 9, 2012 at 5:01:56 PM GMT+8
2012 年 3 月 6 日 星期二 【晴】
if you're gonna lie, please lie well, never ever let me find out.
my heart isnt stainless steel, i m not born as the smartest girl,
but dont expect me as some dumb bitch who has to live in your lies.
you cant just do whatever you want to me and erase things on me whenever you want!
you think this is fair to everybody, it's not.
if you wanna be selfish, just be selfish, then dont act like you care when you dont.
or you think you could blame me for choosing what i want, then unload the guilt you have
been building yourself. you make it happen only coz you're afraid.
you wouldnt be happy for me as you said, you would only be happy for yourself.
you always get what you want, and yea that's it. it's the routine you chose.
if that's what you wanna hear from me, am i clear enough now?
you dont make me hate you, you make me hate myself.
you dont only hurt me, you're hurting yourself.
fix it? why would i need to fix you or anything?
it's just the way it is, it's about accepting or not.
if i could accept it, that doesnt mean i wouldnt feel anything, doesnt mean i should be
silent for what i think. i respect the way you are, but that doesnt mean you could
ignore who i am.
i got yelled by some bitch on train just coz she couldnt force into the train.
then i told her there were no space, and she yelled back there was some tiny space she
wanted to squeeze in. i asked her if she wanted to just to squeeze in there where not supposed
to then i would let her. she squeezed in standing against ppl' knees. i told her it was bullshit.
she went silent. ppl looked at her.
then i went to the bank.. transferred the money and told the staffs that there was problem
with my account on line. i was happy that i finally transferred the money this month.
probably coz.... i'd feel better now that he'd the money for this month. hope it'd not be too late..
then i went to Starbucks to get myself a soya mocha to keep that happiness going..
well, the truth is i know i'd be stressed at work, so.. just wanna relax myself as much as
possible especially while i was still happy. just a small treat.
then at work, it was pretty crazy today at that counter doing octopus card registrations..
in 2 hrs, phone calls never ended from *M or the other counters and also from the customers
from the hotline. it was insane. and i did 10 registration, 9 of them were abnormal, got
complication needed to be verified and confirmed by different ppl, so my phone line never
ended, then got some walk-in ppl line up waiting to do visitor passes. i was with *DK,
the new girl under training. so what do i expect? i dont understand how come *M could be
so disorganized. it was fucking insane. she got promoted already, and she's been here for
so damn long, how couldnt she be more organized with the work procedure? why?
i was a little pissed off actually. coz i dont expect her to be perfect, but you know how
i feel working for her? i feel like i'm a total dumb puppet. and she's been wasting my time,
wasting other ppl' time, her manforce. i seriously think so now.
then i wasnt in mood after that 2 hrs, then i had my small lunch at 5.
i finished lunch then i left the room early coz i didnt wanna sit there while she was busy
working there. i felt quite uncomfortable coz i couldnt relax. then she called me while
i was at the lift going down. it sounded serious, she asked me to go back to see her first.
i went there, and she told me there were 3 things wrong with me today. i was shocked.
she told me there were 2 records wrong with the octopus card registration, not done
by today but before. and she found out today. then also almost a month ago i made
wrong calculation for the parking redemption record. i was really upset while i heard
that. she was a little harsh but if it was my bad i could understand. she said like it couldnt
make those wrong since i have started training new ppl. she asked me to take it back
and re-do it and hand to her tmr. i was like okay, i m sorry. i was pretty upset..
she showed me and told me she calculated for more than 2 times, still couldnt get the
answer i did, so she asked me how i made that mistake. i said i didnt know, i'd check.
she asked me to give her back tmr. okay.
then i went down to the busy counter, didnt have time to check, then i checked that
parking redemption once i got time.. i found the problem wasnt on me. and i was right.
the only problem is she didnt fucking look as the first page and she made that fucking
mistake on her own. firstly, that record went wrong since 9 am while opening, not
at 10 pm when i closed it. and i fixed that up and remarked it already. i didnt go app shit
at that person who was responsible for the opening coz i knew she just passed her
probation and i thought it was a minor thing that if i could figure out, everyone could too.
i was a little angry that night while i realized the record went wrong too, coz we were
supposed to switch position at 8 pm, so we could have 2 hrs to check the whole day
records and closing the counter on time. fucking ''someone'' fucked with our schedule,
that made us switching position at 9 pm. and it was a very difficult swap as well,
then eventually when i got that counter it was already 9 15 pm, and i found the record
wasnt right, i spent like 15 mins calculating the whole day redemption from 9 am till 9pm,
while at the same time handeling some stupid complain log about something regardless
our job duties. then i still had a several other types of redemption record to check, thats
only a small part of the closing procedures. and she wondered why i made that HUGE
''mistake''? why not she go READ the first page of the redemption record and she would
realize that wasnt my fault and i had fixed the problem already 1 mth ago before she went
nuts at me today. and she should fucking ask herself why playing with our schedule,
we arent that free at 9 pm actually while we were supposed to be busy closing the counter.
i passed that record to *DK my trainee, i asked her if she knew what went wrong,
she could tell it in 3 seconds. then i passed it to someone also as a junior, i asked her
if she could find anything wrong. she could tell in 3 seconds as well. they spotted the
remark i made. WHY COULDNT OUR SUPERVISOR FOUND IT? i wrote her a small
note to reply her request. i said to her that i'm sorry for the trouble, but i had found out
what went wrong at that night actually. it was coz of the first few record went wrong,
that's why it didnt match, and i have remarked it too. so perhaps i should have left her
a separate note instead that night. i put that on her desk, i dont care what she thinks anymore.
and actually i wasnt a ''trainer'' as she described, coz at that time i hadnt started
training *DK yet, and you know what, they didnt change my title or increased my benefit
too even if *DK's training is almost done now. it was a month ago, and you expected me
remember what happened that night right at the moment you went nuts at me? fuck you.
and for those stupid octopus card registration, she should be thankful that she could put
blame on us coz we are their puppets. not even robots, just puppets.
she isnt perfect while she handles ''our job'', and she isnt perfect as a supervisor for sure,
then she expects 100% from us. what does that call? DOUBLE STANDARD. same as her
disorganized performance. no one tells her that coz ''her fans'' are those bitches who love
to kiss her ass. i saw it too many times, and i rather stay away from them, coz i simply would
be happier to be excluded. those bitches always think they're higher than the others coz
they got updated faster from *M as if they knew what the deal and standard is. then they
would act arrogant and give attitude to the others. it's just total bullshit and really low class.
if *M is doing her job right, then fucking write memo or email to let everyone knows.
not just a sudden call at this time telling shit and ask us to spread ard by ourselves or
changed her mind in a few second and gave a new direction, then expect everyone knew.
it's just really dumb and unprofessional. and for her fans, good luck. coz other than kisses ass,
nothing new they could pick up from her and this company.
i feel really bad today.. and i seriously hate this job now.
some ppl are nice to work with, and it's fine. but somehow with that kind of management
and supervisor and manager, i just wanna tell them to fuck off. i dont have a life here in this
company. they could enjoy their power doing what they think is right, but there's no wisdom,
no vision, no future, no value for anyone ANYONE, not even themselves, and they are alright
with that, happily think they are right. congratulations. after so many years, they still havent
understood why the turn over is that fucking high, still couldnt fix the problem, i have nothing
to say but clap my hands for them.
tmr i wanna go to the post office, but i m quite tired.. i m not sure if i could get up early.
still late shift tmr till Fri, i'd be off on Fri.. i wanna go to the post office. i wanna share things
with him. i hope he can get the package soon.. i miss him, but he's offline already.
>>March 5, 2012 at 6:52:06 PM GMT+8
2012 年 3 月 3 日 星期六 【晴】
i m so tired...
i miss him...
today, i bought some candles for him, very special ones.
also, i have got him the chocolate and some snack.
i'd need to go to the bank tmr before work... have been trying to transfer money on line
but not working... so i'd need to go there tmr before work. hope it wont take too long.
today it's 4th already. it's late! then, the day after, i'd go to the post office before work.
i hope to see him soon, i really do.
i cried in bed last night. i just miss him so much.
then i saw his reply on skype this morning, thanks. thanks God as well.
i dont know.. i just hope everything would be fine for him, fine for us, fine for my family.
i want him.
>>March 4, 2012 at 6:45:08 PM GMT+8
2012 年 3 月 1 日 星期四 【晴】
:(
i'd need to be back to work tmr..
i think i should start looking for a new job.. i dont need to leave immediately, but i do wanna
find some job that's more meaningful, other than just requiring my look and making me mad
everyday. i dont know what would be the best for me, i really dont know... but i guess i'd
need to keep looking and just try to cherish what i have at the same time.
i want to see him, i m just wondering if we could meet soon.
it's been a year already. i really miss him so much.
March 2, exactly when we met again last year.
>>March 2, 2012 at 5:03:56 PM GMT+8
2012 年 2 月 28 日 星期二 【晴】
:'(
>>February 29, 2012 at 5:31:36 PM GMT+8
2012 年 2 月 27 日 星期一 【晴】
i miss him..
i took the sick leave today.. my hands, my knee still hurt when i move around.
my left hand is still bleeding this morning. my right arm hurt when i move :S
i wonder if i'd be happy to be back to work tmr. :( i dont think so.....
but i gotta be there i guess.................................
i got up early this morning, couldnt sleep, didnt sleep well last night..
then i watched tv the whole morning, pretty quiet, nice. relaxing.
then my parents got up, we went to Guang Zhou China. dad has some meeting,
then mom and i followed dad. we walked ard for a short while, had tea at Ikea,
pretty shitty there. then... yea took train back to Shen Zhen, then had dinner,
rushing back home. nothing special...
how is he? i really miss him lots.
>>February 28, 2012 at 4:57:11 PM GMT+8
2012 年 2 月 25 日 星期六 【晴】
:'(
i hate them.
>>February 26, 2012 at 4:11:44 PM GMT+8
2012 年 2 月 24 日 星期五 【晴】
Thanks Miki for dropping by, then we walked ard for a short while after work,
back to Tai Po to meet mom, dad, and Doris for dinner.
i'm not feeling well, very exhausted, but i m happy that the trainee *DK is doing good.
i'm happy for her and proud of her. i dont really give her any pressure..
in fact i find her pretty well catching up every small things i've been telling her.
i have been organizing pieces of information for her, perhaps it could help her.
seems like she's doing good, and she likes when i say ''you're doing good! yeah~''
then i'd clap for her. she likes when i bring her around to remind her little things and tips
when we walk. she likes when i tell her a bunch of information then all of the sudden
ask her about what i've told her. she likes i ask her to re-organize stuffs again and
again. she likes i always give her examples and explain in role play..
she might not be able to handle well at first, but we both end up laughing everytime.
she's very positive and cheerful, like real one not fake one.
i'm happy to work with her.. i wont say i'm her trainer, i just think i'm helping her to
understand more about this job and be there for her to get through the process and probation,
so then we'd have good help in the team, become part of us. so, i'd never see myself
higher than her or whatever. i just wanna tell her everything i know, and get her
prepared with what we are dealing with everyday. so when she finishes her training,
she'd be well prepared and professional. although i m not the best in the team,
but i help to let someone get the chance to be the best.
according to her progress, i've already planned what to do with her for the rest of her training.
i've been trying to make things interesting and surreal to her, instead of let her wondering
and expecting a bunch of false hope. i rather be honest with her and let her see the
real side of this job and other things, and how we work to get through our days with the
''high standard policy'', how the bs could ruin our days but at the same time how we
could deal with the shit or our own feelings. she understands, she's honest with
me about her plan and she doesnt plan to stay longer than 2 years anyway. same here.
if she keeps copping well, then there'd be more exciting and funny stuffs to do,
i wont ask her to memorize boring stuffs in the stubborn way... i hope she has fun during
training and be ready to become part of us with the high standard professional manner.
humm..
i see him online but he's not replying.. is it coz i'm too late home?
i couldnt sleep last night, i just miss him.
>>February 25, 2012 at 4:47:00 PM GMT+8
2012 年 2 月 23 日 星期四 【晴】
it was kindda weird at work today..
well.. i dont know, i dont know why she has to act all arrogant to me,
i dont know if i did something she didnt like, or i forgot some work stuffs that made
her angry. but not only me, even the trainee *DK thought the same.
so, what's wrong this time? i'm sick and tired of the bs game they play.
not many of the girls play games now, coz most of the bitches have left one after one.
still a few of them would act like the princess and queen.. but almost half of the team
dont like games and not really care already. but why? why while the game cant continue,
but ppl would still stick with the old style? isnt it a bit.... stupid?
sometimes work came harsh on me, busy busy but still have to be super nice
and polite to the rude ppl. do you think i'd like to do that to myself?
do you think that's what high and professional standard should mean to those
ppl? no. i dont know what i'm doing sometimes. at least i dont know what's that for.
i hope to get close with him. i want to be in his arms.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
i m off today, but i didnt sleep very much actually.
i miss him..
Someone who know