2012 年 10 月 19 日 星期五 【晴】

:'( something is wrong with my email... sigh.... i dont know.. i was checking my mails,
then i heard the sound of the new mail, but when i clicked on it, there wasnt any.

anyway, Shan's dad is dead... i felt sorry to hear that.. but... Shan is pretty tough..
i seldom heard her being sad. well... i dont know. i told her to let me know if anything i can help.

i slept for 13 hrs last night, but i m still pretty tired. then my legs hurt so bad..
i dont want to walk so much, coz every steps i take that hurts so much.
i think it s coz of the dancing in the past few days, then standing and final practice the
whole morning and afternoon till the ceremony started.. then of course standing the
whole time during ceremony. i was exhausted.

i feel a little depressed but i m okay. still okay.

i should go for the dinner first..









>>October 20, 2012 at 2:35:20 PM GMT+8

2012 年 10 月 18 日 星期四 【晴】

flying is a tough job.

we had the graduation today...
there are lots of things i wanna share, but i have been so exhausted everyday...
even when i m off, i m feeling stressed and tired for different things.
i dont know if it's my problem, i dont seem to be able to ''shine''.
well, that's me though..

there are really many many things i wanna share.. but its hard to explain as well..
flying is really tough. its not easy at all :(

today was the graduation. it was....... hummmmmm...... its a secret.

i miss him lots.. i said to him i miss him. but he didnt reply me after that..

>>October 19, 2012 at 2:29:43 PM GMT+8

2012 年 10 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

when i was doing my makup and hair this super early morning, half sleeping still..
i heard this song... i had lots of feelings towards this song... i dont know why...
then i just kept having this song on my mind the whole day, especially during take off and landing
when i dont need to speak to anyone. i was on my crew seat/ jump seat, i was staring outside,
i had this song over and over again... the thing is, this is a very old song, but a super nice song.
i have strong feelings towards this song... i have heard him saying the words to me before
when we were in Canada. i dont know if he remembered. i want to be with him. i really do.
and sometimes i just miss Van so much so much so much, it's mainly because we have so
many memories there.. that i cannot let go. and i dont want to let go. as long as we are together,
we can go anywhere, and i will not forget where we have been or where we go.
i miss Van also coz i had many great memories when i was studying there, with my friends,
my days alone there, my growth, my happy and sad memories.. time flies... when i was a
teen, i always wanted to be an adult.. but once i am an adult, time flies super fast..
and i kindda feel like actually even though i grow up, i havent changed much.. i m still me.
i am who i am. although i m not as brave as before, i m still me. i m more outspoken though.
i dont know... maybe i'm as messed up as before haha.

today was so so.... i was at the front galley... i was the FA11. sigh.... i m not so familiar with
the front galley... then....... CP was always there.... i know she was there to check how i was
doing. its the nice CP again. glad to meet her again. she's really nice and responsible.
i wasnt very good today, too nervous. Cas, when will you stop being nervous???

i miss him so much.. not coz i have a hard day... i miss him always, well especially during
a long day. i dont know how to explain it... it's just... i just think of him and i started having
tears in my eyes... i cant tell ppl these, not the girls at work. not my classmates.. i had a few
messages with Bonnie, mostly with Bonnie.. coz the other causal messages on FB or on
whataspp didnt count any serious thing. i had messages with Joyce, one of my best friends,
who's now in the same airline with me, i met her from ifc. then, i had mesg with Rachel,
my old schoolmate from secondary school. she s also at the same airline now. they both left
me gifts in my mailbox, really sweet. i need support although i seem to be quite distant from
the others. i m not like my other girl classmates. i cant be them. i need companies which i dont
have. seriously. it could be lonely, as my personalty doesnt really allow me to be so sociable
in a crowd. its my problem i know..

tomorrow, i wanna see my friends.. i need my real friends...
i wanna do more study, maybe some exercise if i have enough time..
i think i will still get up early tomorrow morning... have been up early the whole week.
i slept ard 8pm last night... and got up ard 3:30am... kindda crazy.




如果痴痴的等某日終於可等到一生中最愛
誰介意你我這段情每每碰上了意外不清楚未來
何曾願意　我心中所愛　每天要孤單看海
if i could, i would be patient waiting to be with the only one i love in my life.
who cares if there'd be uncertainty or incidents?
why would i want my love to be alone everyday?

寧願一生都不說話都不想講假說話欺騙你
留意到你我這段情你會發覺間隔著一點點距離
無言地愛　我偏不敢說說一句想跟你一起　哦
i rather be quiet and silent than to lie to you or deceive you.
if you pay attention, you would find there's always some distance between us. being distant
in our relationship.
i would keep silence, because i dont dare to tell you or let you know i want to be with you.

如真　如假　如何分身飾演自己
會將心中的溫柔　獻出給你唯有的知己
如痴　如醉　還盼你懂珍惜自己
有天即使分離　我都想你
it's real, it's fake, how can i pull myself together to be my real self?
i will give all my love from my heart to you my only one.
it's madness, but i still hope you would cherish yourself and love yourself.
if we'd need to separate, i will think of you, i will miss you.

我真的想你
i do miss you so much.

如果痴痴的等
某日終於可等到一生中最愛
if i keep waiting and waiting, maybe someday i could be with you, my only love in my life.

and this is the version from Eason Chan, he was trying to copy the sining way of the original singer.








>>October 11, 2012 at 3:16:49 PM GMT+8

2012 年 10 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】

good morning...
i m on standby again.

yesterday i was called.
i got up ard 3:40, got ready by 5am... then they called ard 5:50, reporting time at 8:10.
super super rushed.. it was okay, it was my independent day..

today, standby again... very sleepy actually.. i slept at 8pm last night. i skipped dinner.

hummmm my classmates are all excited about the graduation and also the performance.
i like my classmates but somehow i dont know... i think i m not like them. or maybe coz
they are the majority and we are the minority? they always forget about us.
sometimes i'd tell myself, forget it. dont care too much about them. if i dont mention about
myself or mention about us the hk girls, they wont remember. but i m not the super noisy
type of girls. i prefer quiet especially when they are super super super noisy. i can't stand
too many people speaking all together and being so loud. i cant. but i also feel lonely if i dont
get in touch with them. omg, i m such a kid. well, forget it. i'll be okay. i should be independent
anyway. just that our personalty is different, nothing much.

i think i like flying. and it's kind of cool that i could work with different people and after that
we probably wont meet each others again. i'd love to work with the people i m close with,
but working with ppl i dont know is also nice... which means i dont need to put up with any
gossips or dramas. i saw some dramas already but i didnt know the people well, so i could
stay out of it. i saw many people asking for facebook or whatsapp after duty.. but i really
seldom do that. its just work. i dont want to add up my popularity by including people to my
personal life. i like the job i do, i like the benefits, but i dont like to be fake. at least i could be
proud of myself as in what you see about me is all true. i m sincere, i m quiet and shy at first,
but i m not shy to the passengers. i m soft but i m confident to speak if i have to speak.
i m cheerful but not hyper. i m girly but i m not bitchy. i dont think i m popular, but as long as
i have a group of close friends who know me well and we could support each others then
i m fine. they dont need to be in the same industry or same company. i have real friends who
i met elsewhere before. i dont need to be the queen or princess among all. i dont like it,
i dont want it. let me be who i am, let me keep my peace of mind, then i m happy. i m scared to
be in too many girls, coz girls are horrible animals while we all get together, girls tend to fight
and compare. and i dont like it. i m actually scared of it.

i dont know if i m meant to be alone.. but somehow i m more peaceful alone than being
sociable in a crowd. i dont like being lonely but i m not the kind of person who loves crowd.
i need space and time on my own everyday. thats why i like early morning. time passes
very fast too.

i got lots of stuffs to do today, then i'll have early flight tomorrow...

i'm glad that he got the package already. he said he hasnt opened it. he seems very busy
lately.. i m glad that he teaches at the university again. its gonna help his business i think.
i miss him.... i always do.. sometimes i wonder if he misses me too. i wonder when we
could meet again. i wanna see him soon..

>>October 10, 2012 at 1:21:11 AM GMT+8

2012 年 10 月 7 日 星期日 【晴】

i m standby again... got up at 4:30am, then got ready by 6 am...
sitting, watching tv, having coffee and breakfast... the whole morning.. did some studying..
its 12:00 noon now... i hope no call for today, then i'll go take a walk and visit my friends.
Cyn is going to JAL next week. she's staying in Tokyo for training till Jan.. i wish i was her..
there were chances for both of us actually. we were both picked to answer individual question.
i shouldnt have been in the same group as her. but i didnt care too much coz i already signed
the contract with KA.. so..... its my fault. and she actually doesnt like JAL, she prefers KA.
well.... we cant choose.

anyway, i havent been very happy ... coz of my fucking uncle being a ridiculous asshole..
he's ruining everything, everything that he'd never deserved at the first place anyway.
do i hate my grandparents? sometimes when they are being so stupid that eventually bringing
problems to my dad. did my grandparents help us? yes they did, but look at what my uncle did,
i m really pissed off actually. and i felt so terrible i d ever need to be that angry at my ''uncle''.
he even said bad thing about my dad and me. if i ever done anything behind him, then yea,
he could hate me or whatever. the thing is i didnt do anything at all. i dont even speak to my
grandparents about him. why the fuck should i be involved in his dirty plan? why the fuck
he would say i'd get the money when i was never included??? he's insane. and my grandparents
are afraid of him. what has he ever done to the family? he'd done nothing good only harm!
my grandma totally spoiled him not my dad. and so my dad was a kind person helping out
lot in his family and has been taking care of my grandparents. and all my uncle did was bad
mouthing my dad and ME ! what the fuck@#$%^&!!! he'd never fixed anything in the family.
my grandparents would call my dad to just fix a light bulb, fill forms for the government,
deal with the stuffs that my uncle should have done. did my dad initiate help? NO. they freaking
call everytime! and everytime when my uncle being an ass to my grandparents, they call!
if i see that asshole, if he ever dares to speak anything towards me, i'm gonna give him a finger.
or i'd just swear at him. i dont tolerate that. i dont tolerate bullies to my family and my elderly
even though i think they asked the troubles themselves. that asshole has brought enough
troubles to my family. enough is enough, no more fucking bullshit.
i dont think my dad or my grandparents are gonna be happy if i do so, but i dont care.
i'll let him see what he doesnt expect.

anyway, i dont know what to do... many people are getting married these days.
all of the sudden, my friends are getting married one after one. it's kind of scary actually.
for those who never got any news, all of the sudden boyfriends are everywhere.
i m happy for them but myself i m having different feelings. it's kindda complicated, like scared.








>>October 8, 2012 at 4:38:51 AM GMT+8

2012 年 10 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

i wish for a peaceful night, so i could rest well tonight..
i m not that happy as people might think i am. underneath, i know how i am..

i havent came back for days... not that i dont have anything to write or share...
just that i have been pretty tired everyday and busy getting ready each day for each flight..
i m too new. i m way too new.

and today i got standby... i dont like it.. i dont like standby..
then after that, i had mcdonalds with mom. then i went to meet the girls. hang out with them
at their home.. then met with the classmates.. we had to discuss for the graduation.
got home ard 12 30 am... now it's almost 1 am. i need to get up at 5 am..

i m not happy, for many things, many reasons... but enough is enough.. the sun is coming
out within hours. the new day starts again. new challenges, new stuffs.. new ppl...
one day they would be gone, all would be gone. please hang in there..
if tears cant be hidden then let them fall. just make sure dont let them fall in front of people.

sometimes i do feel angry when i heard him saying that. hasnt he understood yet?
if he sill couldnt get that, perhaps he could put himself in my shoes, then think and feel
how he'd feel if he was me. there's no way i should blame him though.
sometimes i dont know what's right or wrong or what to do. forget it.. i should go to bed..








>>October 3, 2012 at 5:06:02 PM GMT+8

2012 年 9 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】

i m trying to prepare for tomorrow flight..
one more SNY then i'd be on my own... why wouldnt i be scared? why would be expected
that i could handle everything? i m not asking anyone about these stupid questions...
because if i do, people would know i m weak or who would like to know about these?
your online co-workers? i dont think so. if i cant do my part, they'd need to do mine for me.
my section leader? i dont think so, they would remember who i am and share with the others.

i told my classmates i feel bad coz i cant be sure if i'd be able to handle it..
i feel lonely coz we are not all together anymore. they are all living together, they could
support each others. but for me, i'd always be excluded. its like.... i already hate how far i live
from the airport. how much time i'd need to prepare and get to the briefing office.
i m on my own, fine. meeting the rude crews, long faces, fine. very different from the training, fine.
i tell myself fine. it'd be fine. study well before getting on board, fine. i'd do. what else?

my duties and responsibilities as a cabin crew, my mission... my goal, my dream, my wishes..
Cas, please hang on to those believes. though you're tired, please. although there might be
no one, you gotta be strong. well they always see you as tough anyway. just do it.
they dont need to see your weakness. they dont need to know. they dont need to see you
cry so you didn't cry in front of them, you never cried in class right?

dont panic. dont panic. just dont...

someone like you, someone doesnt. they have their right, i have my own choice.
so, should i blame someone? i dont think so. but will i remember? yes.
i'd remember who i am, and who i am not. i'd remember what you miss, and i can't be sure
if it'd still be the same if you ever come back. this is the lesson i taught myself.
because i m hurt, because i dont have the protection, i'm out of my comfort zone.
i'm dealing with things that i cant share. i'm on my own, yea?














>>September 27, 2012 at 7:06:04 AM GMT+8

2012 年 9 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

i m off today..

i slept ard 11 last night.. i was all dizzy.
then, i got up ard 10 am... when i got up, i got back pain.
i dont know why i m so tired.

i need to study but i m so lazy.. i just wanna relax.

yesterday was my second SNY flight. hummm i had Lilyth and Cara with me.
it wasnt as smooth coz there were complication and also delay...
after landing, back at HKG, we went to the juice place to rest a bit before leaving.
we flew to beijin, but then... we were only on the plane, couldnt get out. so... i kindda feel like
it doesnt really matter where we go actually. its all the same.

i m thinking how i should start my revision. i feel so lazy since i dont have my classmates
or i dont have to attend classes.

when will i see him again?











>>September 26, 2012 at 9:36:00 AM GMT+8

2012 年 9 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

exhausted..... i cant... i'd come back tomorrow..
it was a long day. a very long day... i slept maybe 3-4 hrs each days....
and i still have to look great and perform well, then think about how tired i actually am,
and what i should be doing while taking transit? sleeping, even if i dont mean to,
i fell asleep.. today.... we seat at the first class for landing and take off, not inside the cockpit
but first class... i was dosing off many many times during delay..

anyway, i feel very dizzy now.. should rest.
i miss him lots, but yea...



>>September 25, 2012 at 3:50:39 PM GMT+8

2012 年 9 月 23 日 星期日 【晴】

:'(

hope tmr would be fine...
come back to write more tmr... i m exhausted... needed to get up at 3:30 am again.

i miss him :'(



>>September 24, 2012 at 2:06:37 PM GMT+8