2012 年 2 月 21 日 星期二 【晴】

i m so tired... so exhausted.
but after work, Chrishelle brought me to the mall nearby her home.
it was great, lots of cheap stuffs there. i bought a dress for Miki. her bday is coming
soon next month anyway. nice gift for her. thanks for Chrishelle. it was great,
and she brought me to the place for cookies, nice cookies.

i miss him. i got his email. very simple reply.
i love him.

>>February 22, 2012 at 5:38:36 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 17 日 星期五 【晴】

hi....

today work was busy okay... quite challenging but okay..
the trainee is doing alright. that's the good part.

i cried and i hate myself being so weak.

i got *K's mesg again... and i saw him at work today. guess he has finished his over night shift.
i mesg back... i told him not to think about anything about me, no need to care about me.
i told him he should focus on his own life, that way would be much better. i just dont think
he should mesg me anymore coz i dont even want to reply. so i told him to stay with his own
life that would be better. then he said ok. well, i guess this is it. he doesnt deserve
someone who has no feelings for him. this part i have told him many times before.
but i was too nice to him which i should never have done. so he kept waiting and waiting.
he finally found someone else, i dont care if he's serious or whatever. yea i hate that
he was lying to me when he told me shit, but at the same time well at least he has done
something for himself. i dont care if it's real or not, he should just leave me alone anyway.
i m not his gf, i dont love him. he shouldnt spend that much time on me. so...
he was using her or whatever, he lied to me at the same time, i dont care anymore. i m not
angry at him or jealous. i m not. i just simply hate ppl lying to me. whatever it is, it doesnt
matter now. i just want him to leave me alone. be good to his gf whoever she is, grow up
and live his own life. we all have our own road to go anyway. i m never meant to be his
anyone. so... i decided to reply him for once and all, he should focus on his own life instead.

i dont know what stephen thinks about me and him. he probably is thinking the same.
i dont know. maybe he likes me maybe he doesnt. but i guess there're something different.
i'd never liked *K, and i have been very nice to him, but he did always lie to me, so i have to
shut him out to keep my sanity. but for stephen, the only thing i m disappointed is that...
he'd rather give up on me instead of fighting for us. he cant say coz he loves me, coz
it hurts me even more in a way that i cant really accept. so i dont deserve his love or
efforts but i deserve to push myself to realize he'd rather leave me behind. how would that
make sense to him if he loves me and understands me? why not just say he doesnt love me.
isnt it even more suitable? or is it the truth that he couldnt say it directly? coz the truth is
he doesnt want to feel guilty? or he's guilty to be straight to me? i thought he's always
straight forward, and i'd always appreciate that. but actually... there's no absolute things.
not even love, love is not reliable. human's feelings is not reliable. ppl can give up what
they like or love for something else. the most valuable thing can be traded, how much
more disappointed can be compared with that? why not just kill me?

i dont know if he does mean that or he's just lost.
but if he's really giving up, then... the only thing i'd do is to force myself to realize what
i've been doing doesnt worth anything to this person at all. that really really hurts.
coz it'd be too much to handle, too painful to accept. i wanna die. coz in the end...
my family and friends are gonna leave me, i m gonna be alone anyway.
why should i take more pain in future when i already have enough now?
yea, blame me for being so weak, and so maybe i should stop ppl being nice to me?

ha... cant believe these are coming from me.

>>February 18, 2012 at 6:20:46 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 16 日 星期四 【晴】

:'(

i couldnt get out of bed... very painful my back and my shoulder..
i seriously considered my body wouldnt be able to handle my job today.
and i thought after work i could rest but still needed to attend the annual party...
no i dont think so... i feel bad for the no show, but... sorry..
May was expecting our little chi-chat time during the gap between the party and our off time.
she wanted to try the cake at some cafe, i said cool coz i needed some place to kill time too.
hummm... sms her this afternoon, apologized.

i got Rise's email just now. yea, i was happy to see her yesterday. she brought her
brother along. it was fun. great to see her...
and she finally asked me the que.. she asked about him and Ayako..
her brother asked if i have a bf... i didnt know what to say. she asked if i went out with him.
i smiled back and asked her how she knew. she said she was there only for 1 week,
but she sensed that he and i were different. she said... that he and i were close, and
that's different from just being close friends. she thought we were not just friends but
she didnt want to ask. she said she asked Mami as well, Mami thought the same but
she didnt want to ask us coz it's our privacy. i asked her what about he and Ayako..
werent they close too? he's closer with Ayako. she said no. it's different, they were like
sister and brothers more. i ... thank her for telling me that... but i also told her,
we've met for 5 years and half already, and he has told me to... think about leaving him.
i didnt tell her about his situation, but... yea... i love him.. love him so much... but...
maybe he wants to be with someone else instead of me or... he needs someone else
to make his life easier there... i dont know.. i seriously dont know..
i cant think now, coz if i do i'll break. i miss him so much.
i emailed him again. i dont know if he'd reply this time..

*K mesged me again.. after awhile he still hasnt given up. but i m really not into him
or his tricks. i m tired of ppl lying, i m tired of fake ppl and fake relationship.
maybe if he didnt like me, he would be much better off. at least he could save up some
lies and energy for someone else. he said he didnt know why i hated him.
i really wanted to tell him i m not angry, no i m not. i just simply dont want to
interact with him. there's one moment i wanted to tell him that but i just didnt want to tell
him. coz i dont want to deal with his another replies or anything from him.

what am i supposed to do?

>>February 17, 2012 at 4:41:23 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 15 日 星期三 【晴】

i met with Rise and her brother today.
it was nice to see her again, and we had a good time together. nice to meet her brother too.
im so tired... hope i dont need to work tmr...

i wias hoping tmr i'd be off early then come home resting...
but then i realize that tmr would have the annual dinner after work... fuck.... i dont wana go...
can i go home instead? i really dont feel like to go anywhere... especially spending time
with a bunch of ppl i dont know very well... humm well i do have some friends at work, but
just dont feel like to socialize with so many ppl, or entertain so many ppl. i wanna rest at home.

i said hi to him on skype but he didnt reply me. when i got home tonight, he's off already.
i do feel pain.

i hope i m so sick tmr, sick enough to no show.

>>February 16, 2012 at 6:16:20 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 15 日 星期三 【晴】

work was busy and tough. sore throat today..
kept talking, and i forgot to bring my thermal cup, so no hot coffee, couldnt refill water.
i had two cups of cold coffee today but kept talking..
talking to customers, then once i get a min i talked with my trainee.
she seems okay, picking up the concept pretty quick.. but wasnt very stable while
practice. she'll get better, she just needs more exercise.

i miss him. sigh. i dont know.

tmr... i'll meet with Rise, finally she called me tonight.








>>February 15, 2012 at 5:56:26 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 13 日 星期一 【晴】

i had breakfast with Shan this morning before work.
good to meet my best friend on the valentines day. well i do love my best friend.

then work was tough, so busy, and got training to do... so it makes everything
stressfully hard. coz my performance has to be above standard and demonstrate
everything in the perfect way... and in fact today we were short of ppl, then it was horribly
busy, ppl are extremely demanding, like they're all living in their fucking fantasy.
women either wear mini skirt with the heavy make up speaking in the bossy tone,
or just be very causal but in the bitchy attitude. guys are much nicer than normal though.
anyway, ppl' look were varied today... either weird match or super fancy. strange....
then yea, work was busy, got some crazy bitch kept bitching and challenging me
for such a small tiny thing, and the funniest part is it wasnt my responsibility but she
was yelling at me to let her get the free stuffs. what the fuck? and it was in front of the
new girls at that busy counter tonight. i was like 4 hrs non-stop with the customers and
the two new girls. it was a bit hard to manage that's the fact. everything should be perfect?
fuck that shit. the customers werent perfect, they'r all handicap. V-day doesnt give you
permit to yell at ppl, and it doesnt give you extra credit if you could yell at a staff who was
helping you for your own fault.

after work, a friend dropped by, so we went for dessert. i dont like V-day..
it made me feel weird walking alone on the street. and for the couples, they all look the same..
i mean... they all have flowers or big gift on hands. i'd be embarrassed if i'm one of them..
its like..... its so embarrassing holding a bunch of flowers on valentines day, and ppl would
judge on ur flowers and gifts. and clothes too. not everyone can wear mini skirt,
and not everyone have the sense for fashion.. i dont understand why the girls just try to
wear the shortest they could, the less as they could, with weird colour matches or
just put on un-even make up, heavy make up that totally ruin the look. it was just horrible.
one thing for sure, 7-11 would get good business tonight.

i keep thinking about him actually. i didnt email him, he didnt email me.
i dont know how he is doing... probably busy with his things or with someone else.
well, do i really deserve someone better? or actually i dont deserve anyone at all?
i do wonder... coz... seems like... i dont deserve anyone really. i mean... do i deserve
to fall in love so deeply and be shut out coz they thought i d better off with someone else?
do i deserve that kind of pain then? so who is that someone? no one.. there'll always
be someone better than the others. and the fact is i've never really compared but they did
for me. so... deserve someone or not doesnt really matter already. maybe i'd never deserved
anyone at all. maybe i deserve to be lonely, or at least learn not to love.
i miss him but.... well... i have nothing to say. why should i bother someone who doesnt
want me? why should i care when he could say such things to me? i love him, i still do..
but... he doesnt want me... Cas, you gotta try to understand his points and his
situation... i know you're upset and cold and fragile... u just... cant u just stop being so
fucking weak for once?

anyway... mom and dad are sick, mom went to the hospital this afternoon for the whole
day. doctor asked her to stay over night but she refused. i dont want them to worry about me...
i still need to act strong at home. not to let them worry.

>>February 14, 2012 at 7:26:52 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 12 日 星期日 【晴】

i feel so tired..

i dont like V-day. everywhere got all pinky and red. selling chocolate, candies,
''romantic things'' which are just for commercial use for making money.
it's nothing romantic at all. and i dont have a valentine, so it's not a happy valentine's day.
i might get some chocolate or candies for my friends, but only for the real friends.
i used to like V-day... at school most likely. it's more like... ppl are giving candies and
chocolates or write small notes for each others to tell them ''i love you'' and giving
appreciation on special things to everyone. that's our own tradition at my secondary school..
not only for lovers but friends and teachers, even for office staff and cleaning ladies at work.
one year, teachers cook rice ball for us during break time. it was fun. and everyone
writing small notes for each others. i collected so many pics through years. it was warm.
once you get older, it wouldnt happen again. all those lovely things only belong to the
pure world, where only left to the memories now. that's why they are my true friends.
coz we grow up together, we were sincere to each others.

i dont remember today was my trainee's first day. well, i thought it'd be after V-day.
if i remembered, i'd have put on full make up, tie up my hair better, looked more professional.
i dont feel very energetic these days, so... i dont look very good actually.
i tried to, especially if i go out with my friends and family.. but... i know i look a bit shitty.

i hate that i miss him. i hate that if i misunderstand he loves me.
but i hate it even more that he pushed me away if he has feelings for me..
i hate that i always love him and i'm so used to him but now he asks me to leave.
i hate that i cant do anything, i hate that when i m so useless. i hate that i dont know
where to go or what to do... i hate that he left me behind. i hate that i'm still in love with him.
i hate that he choose to ask me to leave instead of fighting for me.
i hate that after all these years and wishes we have made, he choose to give up on me.
i hate that i cant be there with him, i hate that he wouldnt face me.
i hate that he said i'm wasting my life with him when i havent complained.
i hate that i dont hate him, i still love him, but it doesnt help me feel better.
if he wants someone else, why not just tell me but putting me in pain this way?

he said i dont deserve him i deserve someone better than him, then whom?
whom is that perfect guy he thinks would be suitable for me? who the fuck is that?
who is that unlucky person i should be with when i m thinking of someone else?
so do i deserve being in pain by watching the person i love in pain but cant do anything now?
is that what i deserve now?! just watching him leaving myself, is that what i deserve now?

i hate that i feel like i'm a needy girl when i m not.


everytime i'm said, i just think of this song..

















please... tell me what am i supposed to do?
ppl back off when they feel pain, coz we are supposed to avoid getting hurt.
but it's not, this time is not.. this time i shouldnt just run away.
but please tell me, where should i go and what should i do?
why ... what went wrong with us?

>>February 13, 2012 at 6:38:36 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 10 日 星期五 【晴】

i m not that strong actually.
i cried at work today, a serval times when i was in the washroom.
i cried when i was on the way home.

i asked God why He put me in pain.
i asked myself what we should do. i wonder why he said that.
i dont wanna live coz it hurt too much and i dont know how to go on.
it feels like everything has changed and i no longer know where to go or what to do.
the person i love might leave me, and for what reasons? not the common ones,
it's so scary, so scary that i dont know how to accept it.

when i was walking home from the station, the taxi was coming and i was crossing the
road, i thought why not just let it ran over me. if i died then i wouldnt need to face these.
well the person that i love he chose that way anyway, he'd thought about just die and
then he could run away from everything, and i'd be left in this world facing all on my own,
then why couldnt i just die as well? then maybe my dad wouldnt need to explain to his
boss why i dont want to go to Canada, then id not need to face myself, dont need to
feel all the pain yea? if he's gone, then what about me? why should i live?

i always think i should be positive, we shall overcome, but if he gave up, then why
should i stay alive if he gave up on me?












>>February 11, 2012 at 6:37:13 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

life is so difficult, so difficult.
i have finally met someone i want to be with, and there's irreplaceable love.
but... he's telling me i should leave him? how? tell me how?

i thought if i go to canada, then i might be able to make enough money to help him.
but he asked me not to go. he asked me to find a job in hk and live a normal life.
yea, my life is a bit abnormal coz he isnt ard. he could be ard but he doesnt want to.

i miss him so much so much and i love him so much and want him so badly, so badly.
i even want to marry him but he's pushing me away.

i didnt sleep last night, i cried and cried in bed and i got up ard 5 sth am...
puffy eyes, stuffed nose. couldnt breath last night. didnt wanna get out of bed.
i ... m exhausted... but i m waiting for his reply. i emailed him this morning before work.
i worry about him, i miss him, i dont have the courage to go on without him actually.
coz i have been sure that he's the one and why now he's telling me its not gonna
happen, he actually wants to leave me now?

without him, i m gonna be one of those duck widow keep wonder off around.
feels like myself is broken and everything is not the same now.
i dont want to live. and i need to hide my tears and sadness, not letting anyone knows.
and if i refuse going to canada, what would happen next? i stay then what'd happen?
if i go, what would happen? i dont know anymore, but i dont have time to think now...
i cant think as well. i miss him, and i dont know where he is now. i dont know.. i really dont know.
i want to die too, can i?

work was crazy today, go threatened by some asshole. i was scared but i had to act
like i didnt care what he said. i wasnt calm, i was close to cry but i had to pretend
i was fine. i wanted to call the police, and i needed help, i made the call to the management
office in the end. that crazy man ran away. he said he d come back.
i was scolded by at least three different crazy ppl. and i was exhausted. i m wearing
a uniform but that doesnt mean they had the right to bark at me for no reasons.

i dont wanna live without him... this year and half has been hard enough, since we couldnt
see each others, it's been difficult enough, and if he's gone... what about me then?
can i die too?



















>>February 10, 2012 at 3:58:18 PM GMT+8

2012 年 2 月 7 日 星期二 【晴】

i got up late... later than i expected.. i guess i didnt set the alarm properly. it didnt wake me.
anyway... i had some toast and coffee, plus a giant apple, did some final revision, then went
to the exam.

i was a little nervous, but then actually it wasnt that bad. i passed.
i came home afterward, didnt wanna hang around.
got home, and saw honey's reply. i miss him.

i got *K's mesg again this morning... well i got up at noon, so i saw his mesg, and
i was like... oh no... i dont really understand why he still messages me, coz obviously
i m not his anyone. and he has a girl friend. i dont know why he's still bugging me.
i dont want to be mean to him... but i m really not impressed, i m annoyed.

normally girls should feel touched, but i dont. i just dont. instead i worry myself a little bit
like him.. i mean.. i dont want to be so needy and clingy.

anyway... work starts again tmr, and i need to prepare for the tutoring again,
and i need to call to some driving school to check the schedule for joining the class.
then, i'd have dinner with *Ch and *MY after work tmr.. had been trying to arrange
dinner together again. i dont mind to since i m lonely, but i just dont wanna waste too much
money. Rise is visiting next week. good to see her again, not in Van but HK. ha...
i miss honey, that's the fact though.

Valentine's is coming. i dont like it.
i sent honey a package and chocolate.. too bad this year i m not gonna be able to hand
him chocolate. i dont know.... he doesnt care anyway, at least that's what he said.

i've been eating lots of apples lately, feels like i m in love with apple again. well, i always do.
i always love apples, apple pie, apple crumble, apple juice, apple apple apple :) haha.

i ... i.... everything just reminds me of him.

>>February 8, 2012 at 4:59:11 PM GMT+8