2012 年 3 月 23 日 星期五 【晴】

two days holiday is done..
going back to... the work place tomorrow.
but seems like my dark days havent done yet.

i got up early on Fri morning.. then i walked Shan to her office..
we got coffee and muffin and ate together at the patio, i stayed at her office for awhile,
then had lunch with my parents and Doris. then we bought food for dinner,
then went home. i took a rest, watched the movie, ''The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo''
it was nice. then... i was looking forward to meeting Joyce and *CN today.
but it didnt happen. anyway... i slept for 13 hrs? then i got up late this afternoon..
went out lunch at some Taiwanese restaurant with my parents and Doris..
nice. had the fried chicken and minced pork with noodle soup.
then we took a walk... i did some grocery shopping at YATA department store.
hummm bought some snack, the Sakura ones, hummm i like cherry blossom.
then i bought some mango tarts and we ordered pizza for dinner tonight.
watched the movie ''The Sixth Sense'' just now. i remember long time ago honey
had watched that too.

even if our habits and living style are very similar, we dont seem to be able to
stay together. that's sad. but if you ask me why, i cant answer anything.
maybe there're things that he doesnt like me about or even hate me.
maybe there's someone else he would be happier with...
i feel like... for many other reasons, i m always his option rather than his priority.
i hate that i need to always try to get his attention and it's like i m chasing after him
all the time. it tires me out. i love him and i dont mind to do things to show him that i love
him, not proving him but really just show him not just talking. but it makes me feel
so tired that i have to do that all the time but not seeing he's doing the same.
maybe we're no longer on the same page. it's either he doesnt love me anymore,
or he's just not the same. he has given me hints that i should find someone else,
but i didnt want to and i didnt. so, should i announce myself single just so i could
give myself a real clear break and move on to a new page that wouldnt have him in my
life anymore? its a real hard thing to do you know? to let go of someone so important
to me, to let go of someone i have had strong connection with.

is he really gone this time?
he must hate me enough if he decided to leave me behind. what have you done wrong, Cas?

>>March 24, 2012 at 4:54:09 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 20 日 星期二 【晴】







you make me wonder why.
i'd need some time on my own if i could.
i'd rest, i'd sleep, i'd lay down in my bed. maybe it'd be better if i dont wake up anymore.
sometimes i do wish and i wonder why i'm alive... why and why the way i am.
if i'm like the others, i might have made so many different choices at different times.
there'd be no castor that ppl'd know or remember. my values in this world doesnt seem
so big actually. i m always running ard between ppl, doing what this society wants me to,
living with many many many limitation that i dont even realize choices sometimes.
when i'm at work, i need to be someone else, not totally but still... i dont have choices
most of the time. and it feels like staying in the cross road dont know which way is
good or bad, just keep going and going. every min, every conversation with different ppl
could cause myself troubles. it's my job, yea? what about after work?

am i really that lonely? i dont know. i guess i m more like... terrified.
i m scared of ppl, scared of different things... scared of relationship between ppl.
seems like i no longer know who to trust and how to trust relationships between ppl.
is it the lesson i should have since the date i was born?

i cried in bed last night.... and i really didnt wanna get up to work this morning..

i went back to work a little earlier.. rushing changing then back to the counter immediately.
i was like 15 mins earlier than the clock just so as to take care of the stuffs from last night.
it was okay... but other problems came. gees, i dont wanna deal with that anymore.
i seriously wanna quit.. coz i simply cannot deal with the mess i m facing everyday.
i dont want to deal with the stupid system, how dumb the system is... its really complicated
coz it's too stupid and every single little step could ruin the record, and i get into troubles
very easily. i m really scared that if i make anymore mistakes i m gonna blame myself
really hard for once and all. and the so-called communication within the team is pathetic.
the procedure at work is weak and stupid, messy is the only thing i could say. and everyday
i m living in this mess, and it's never end. and i get so fed up coz mistakes are caused
by that, and shit always happen which doesnt make sense.. so.......... i m really
frustrated and for times i have thought about just... you know just either... walk away and
take off or just blow out. i dont want this day coming coz i dont mean to be like that,
and i dont want to be like that.. but the stress could be really high...
things dont happen the way i expect, coz i do have high expectation, but the fact is its
so impossible. and i hate it when it becomes my problem which shouldnt be.

>>March 21, 2012 at 3:47:13 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 19 日 星期一 【晴】

these two days have been so freaking crazy.
i dont like it, i hate it, i cant stand it.. i have enough.
it feels like the freaking war going on at work everyday.
i have enough.

i wanted to cry after work..
i was like....... we couldnt even switch position at my last two hrs..
i was stuck there, then i was supposed to go down to the South counter to rest
for my last hr. but i rather rotated to another counter for help.
then at the end, i was like 20 mins late. and i didnt finish my work, so i think
i should get back to work at least 15 mins earlier just to fix the rest of my job today.
coz otherwise, tmr they're gonna suffer.

i wanted to cry.. how come things are never be able to finish?

yesterday was really crazy as well... i just... exhausted myself.
Howard's gf and her staff came testing our services. they were really arrogant and
were really testing our limit. its so fucked up.

then i saw *Sn' post on facebook. she got into some airline... on training now..
and one of my old schoolmates, she went to the cathay interview last year ard the
same time i took my interview. she didnt get in, and now she finished training and
worked for dragon air. omg, and i m still here. even *Sn got get in.... :(
she was a cheater. she cheats. she asked me for help for her english, and lied to me.
i knew she needed to improve english for retaking the english test at cathay,
someone else told me, she never did. i told her about my interview, she didnt admit
she went to cathay as well. and she went to interview again but she never said anything.
i dont like ppl like that.. why taking advantages of me while i would just help her
for no conditioning? she kept saying i was so nice to her and it's so rare to have
someone like me these days. then why fucking lying to me all the time?!
it hurts me, it does.

i dont know.. i dont know why ppl have to take advantage of me..
i dont do any harmful thing to them, i dont cheat or do shitty things to them..
why me? coz i'm nice? is that why? that doesnt make any fucking sense!




We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

>>March 20, 2012 at 4:38:18 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 16 日 星期五 【晴】




i hate working here.. i hate it.
i m so sick and tired of all the bs.

and i miss him so much.

>>March 17, 2012 at 6:45:04 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 15 日 星期四 【晴】

hi....

i had two days off, today and yesterday..
i rested a lot, felt better, relaxed a bit.. felt better..
my left eye recovered but my right eye got infected yesterday. boo....

i got up late yesterday, stayed home for lunch, then i saw honey on line..
chatted with him for awhile. i miss him. he showed me something..
i was shocked, not totally surprised but still shocked.
i appreciate his honesty, i just didnt know. then now i start to wonder how much more
he's been hiding from me haha.

anyway... i took a walk, did some shopping, then came home doing some cleaning.
tidy up my stuffs. it was alright. i was walking ard, saw a few things that honey might like.
i m not his wife, but i keep shopping for him, it seems a bit weird.
he doesnt buy gifts, but i did receive a few gifts from him before. but the most important
one i returned to him to fix it, he then never gave it back to me. maybe i m not the right
person for that. i dont know..

anyway... hummm... today i got up little earlier, wanted to see if he's still on line..
i got his mesg, he fell asleep. his sleeping schedule is worrying me.
i didnt see him on today..

i had lunch with my parents, then i went to see Shan. i wanted to drop by and say hi.
she and i were supposed to meet last time few weeks ago.. but i fell so i canceled it.
i dropped by her work place today, brought some cakes to her, Ella, and Carole.
but Ella wasnt there. it's okay. i just waned to say hi. havent seen them for a long while.
i saw some old students i used to see them almost everyday. haha they are so big now.

i came home resting and did some more cleaning.. i miss him.

tmr need to go back to work, i dont like it..
i start to look around, looking for other jobs now..
i will meet *DK for breakfast before work tmr. and i have a small gift for her..
she finished training, and she's always nervous. i want her to be calm and confident
at what she's doing.

does he want me to be around or on his side when he's experiencing some difficult
time in life? coz i do wanna be there. i dont mind if he's rich or poor, if he's sick or
doesnt look good. he worries i m wasting my life with him. if he's real to me, if he
loves me and wants to be with me, then why cant we just be together? why do we
have to waste time on guessing and staying in pain, unless this is just my one side
thought? then i guess i should get the picture and move on. otherwise, what is this
man thinking? wasting my time? if he loves me but refusing me, then he's wasting
his time and my time.

>>March 16, 2012 at 4:48:22 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 13 日 星期二 【晴】

work was so so.... but got time chatting with the girls today...
coz *DK finished training with me now, she's independent, but still called me quite often..
i hope she'd be okay, she seems very nervous. i can understand that, coz i was new too.
she worries too much anyway...

i didnt go anywhere, i took bus home after work. i slept on the bus.

my eyes still hurt, my body is all sore, then my knees hurt a lot.
i m exhausted. i m not feeling well, i m upset...

i want some caffein and pain killer injected to my vein.

i saw the news tonight. there're several earthquakes tonight.
i kindda worried since it seems kindda like last year now, and the epicenter is moving
toward to Tokyo. i dont know if he's in Tokyo or Fukushima.. i m worried about him,
worried about Japan.

tmr... i just wanna stay home resting and do some cleaning, need to tidy up a bit..
i miss him.

>>March 14, 2012 at 5:12:15 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 12 日 星期一 【晴】

:'(

work was kind of crazy today. couldnt feel anything actually.
my manager called me all of the sudden. i was wondering what's wrong this time..
then she said she wanted me to go with the citibank staff for the shop briefing after meeting.
i was like..... okay... i didnt expect she'd ask me. yesterday she and some other officers
and mangers passed through the check-in counter at the lift lobby. they saw us and the crazy
man. he was screaming at us for the stupid visitor pass. he was delivering food.
i asked if he could show me any photo id then i'd do him a pass, he said he didnt want
to go up, he asked me to ask the person down to the lobby. but he was really loud and rude.
i had two new girls next to me, and i didnt allow him yelling at us especially to the new girls.
i rephrased him, if he wanted me to make the phone call instead then he'd need to wait coz
i was not sure if the person would do so. i thought my manager would think i was at the bad
position or something. i dont know.. it doesnt matter anyway..

some nice tourist came asking for information about different events in hk, then he also
left me an invitation card for his show at some gallery. i was a little surprised. i m not sure
if i'd go, he probably just wanted us to do some advertisement for him. i like gallery and
art event. i might drop by if i have time.

after work, *CN and *MY invited me for dinner... ok... i was pretty exhausted, but i guess
if i do something i could take it as some escape. here i'm home again. i miss him lots..
i have thought about maybe if i come home then i'd see him on line... but when i came
home. he'snt here. i got his reply on skype this morning. he left it late last night.
i went to bed already... 10 30pm, i went to bed at 10:30.... so early that i've never tried
for more than a year? i was pretty sick and upset.. i cried myself to sleep in bed.

>>March 13, 2012 at 4:22:03 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 11 日 星期日 【晴】

hi..

i went to the post office this afternoon, then i went to the exhibition at the Exchange Square.
it was showing the pics of the 3.11 earthquake in japan. i ate my apple and sandwich there.
thought about to get a coffee, but i guess i shouldnt.

i m not feeling well, ppl kept asking me about that. i dont wanna say much, and it's too
obvious that i dont look good lately. i dont wanna explain anything, so i just said nothing.
just feeling tired and feeling a little sick.

anyway, i should sleep.

everyday is so heavy for me. i dont wanna live. but i know it's very irresponsible.
to be honest, i dont wanna live. i dont know what'd happen and i m not brave enough
to walk along. i'm too scared. seems like all the hopes i have are not gonna happen,
and things that i used to believe in seem to be wrong.

>>March 12, 2012 at 2:38:41 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 10 日 星期六 【晴】

today, they have the ceremony, and in HK there's an exhibition.
i'm going tmr during lunch. i'd need to go to the post office before though.
the post office was close yesterday and today, my fault..

i m not feeling well today, especially its cold and rainy again all of the sudden.
i felt like half dead.

i miss him, i dont know where he is now.
i wonder if he misses me too. gosh... i miss him.


please, dont forget me.
for me, it aint over yet.
sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
i dont want to end it. time flies, i hope you'd see my face and be reminded that for me it'snt over.
i wish nothing but the best for you. dont forget me i beg, i remember you said,
sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead. nothing compares, no worries or care,
regrets and mistakes, they are memories made. who would have known how these bittersweet
taste? it's not never mind, though i wish the best for you. dont forget me, i beg.
i cant find someone like you. dont forget me i beg...





許されない運命(さだめ)だと知ってても
その笑顔に その涙に
そのひたむきな想いに触れたかった
心から…
いとしき日々よ サヨナラは言わないで
あなたに会いたくて もう一度会いたくて
届くまで叫びつづける
忘れはしない この体が消えても



>>March 11, 2012 at 4:32:35 PM GMT+8

2012 年 3 月 9 日 星期五 【晴】

i feel so cold and so sick.
i m so tired today, didnt put up much make up actually..
at least couldnt do my eyes. i look pretty plain and pale.

i miss him, i keep thinking of him, feels like he's part of me.
and it sucks if he doesnt want me. but seems like the more i care, the more he'd distance
himself from me, what am i supposed to do?

i feel so bad for everything changed so fast in life...
things used to be okay but now they keep falling apart.
the more i care, the worse i feel about losing them. the more valuable thing, the more it hurts.
for the things that i dont care keeps defeating me. seems like there's no justice for
right or wrong, no real morality that i used to believe and keep.
do i really have the choice to choose what i wanna do? but then why those rich one can
have many choices but keep doing stupid things that make those poor suffer?
is it what it means to be now?

if i could be rich, i would donate a lot of money or do lots of charity work.
if i could choose, i would choose to have him and my family and friends instead of the money
or so-called freedom.

if i would like to stay with him, would he let me?

it's been a year now... since last time we met, since the earthquake.
i hope Japan would get better soon coz he's there. i dont want anything bad happens to him.
i like Japan, it's must better than i expected. i like they are quiet and polite, not like HK.
HK is too noisy, too much attitude, too busy. although i m not pretty, although i m not
young, i wont be able to be popular anywhere anyway, i wanna live in a less busy life.
at least if i know what i'm busy for and if it's worthy then itd be good. if not then... i dont
know what i'm running around for..

>>March 10, 2012 at 3:47:07 PM GMT+8