2011 年 10 月 21 日 星期五 【晴】

i cried in bed last night.
my eyes went puffy and pain this morning when i got up.
it really hurt actually. i mean i was pretty upset and unwell. i couldnt focus at all.
i was in a very bad mood yesterday and last night, and this morning till afternoon was
pretty bad too. coz i still couldnt figure out. so i emailed honey and asked about what
happened actually.

then.... after that i felt much better.. and we are still talking about that tonight just now..
i love him and i dont want to do something stupid that upsets him for sure.
i want sex, i'd like to have someone to hang out with, and i could have guys or girls
to hang out with. but that doesnt mean i love them. i'd never had sex with any others,
not that i dont want sex, i want sex but i just dont want to do that with the others.
not like i dont like sex, its just different and right now i dont think i have the courage
to do that coz i m so fragile. i know there are guys who like me, i know while i m hanging
out with ppl ppl want me, and try to be with me, but they are not who i love. i like to have
someone to hang out with, but its not like i want some other boyfriend.
and i dont hide about that. ppl know that too. but what can i do? i want to have sex with
him but we didnt do it. i m waiting for him coz i cant deny that i love him and want him only.

i need to go to bed now...

i dont know what to say if he's angry at me actually.
for the kissing thing, its really not like i wanted to kiss. i was kissed.

i worry it'd affect him actually.

>>October 22, 2011 at 6:11:07 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

i was off late last night, met wiht Jackie, then came home late..
got up early this morning, got training till 5 30..
rushed back home and got changing then went out again.
met with honey's friend Joe. it was great to meet him.
he does remind me of honey. i miss him very much.
but i was kind of surprised what he told me tonight. it kindda makes me wonder what
honey actually thinks or wants.

i should go to bed, coz i m really tired already.
i cried. i did cry. i didnt leave when i left. i stayed at the washroom for awhile to cool down
myself, then i walked to the bus stop and take the bus. its just too much to handle right now.
hopefully we d meet again before he left. i'd like to get him some gift. i dont know.
i dont wanna make things more complicated for now.

dad mentioned about the offer from his boss again.
the salary is higher than mine now, but there are more concerns for myself.
im not sure what's right or wrong to do anymore.

>>October 21, 2011 at 5:36:49 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

very busy and sick lately..

got meeting and presentation today..
finally... but still need to finish up the report, wanna add some more information there..
i worked on it till 5 sth am this morning since i got home last night after work.. very tired..
and i was like working on it yesterday the whole day for 8 hrs at the same time when i
was at the concierge doing normal work. when i got to concierge then i checked the email,
then i got the memo for the presentation for today meeting. i was like holly shit.
its such the short notice. then *Sa didnt do any work, so i have to be responsible
for that. then yea, working on it the whole day yesterday at the counter while i had to
be on duty doing normal service as well... it was really busy, really really busy.

i got up late this morning.. then rushed to do the make up and shit. i dont usually put on
heavy make up unless i have meeting or events to do. then ran back to the office to
do the printing. then kept reviewing once i get the chance at the concierge. ...
*Sa didnt prepare for anything. coz the file was too big, i couldnt send her this morning.
so yea, uploaded to the work server when i got to the office, but then she couldnt download
from the server for some reasons.. anyway... yea, pretty rushed...
but lucky the meeting went well, and the presentation was good. i got all the points done.
then yea, meeting was alright. just need to do some touch-up work.

Jackies dropped by.. she gave me a call this afternoon.. so mer her at the concierge,
then chatted for a few mins, then met her after work.. we had McDonalds. great to see her.
havent met her for awhile already. we're still best friends. i knew her since we were 8 or 9..
i knew her mom first, she was the transferred student. we became close friends since
then, we also went to the same high school. we have been best friends for a vert long time.
feel so nice and comfortable to see her tonight. we might meet again on Mon night.
her bf d come to HK next week.

got the mesg from honey last night.. i emailed back..
i really would like to meet his friend. but i dont know if he'd like to see me..
so yea, i asked honey to give him my number or email.. if his friend wanna meet up we
could meet up. i miss him. i really do. but i dont know. i dont see he wants me.
i dont know, i seriously dont know. somehow it kindda feels like its me keeping him with
me but he doesnt really want me. if that's the case then its really meaningless.
i wouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt want me. coz... if i dont mean anything
to that person, then i dont wanna become like ... i m being so annoying or needy,
coz i dont mean to be like that and i dont want it. u know...

anyway, tmr i'd have training... nice that dont need to work. and the training centre is
not very far from home.

>>October 20, 2011 at 6:30:01 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

it's just fucking bullshit! FUCK YOU!
i've been very sick for more than 2 weeks, and i think i deserve a day off since i needed
to visit the doctor more than 3 times in a month.
*Rn she fucked up her leg with ''an accident'' while playing around, and everyone thinks
she's poor. and now i've been suffering in sickness and ppl blame me for taking day off,
what the fuck is wrong with those bitches at work now? are they fucking insane?
somehow i do wonder how come it's so unfair.

i dont mean to create troubles to ppl.
and i m so sorry that *Rn is in pain too. if i knew she's off, would you think i d take today off?

after reading the posts on their facebook, i left a mesg there... and personally i sms *C
to apologize for the troubles. its just..... i dont know what to say.. and i'm surprised that
*Kn didnt tell me since he's known *Rn has called sick since last night. its like.....
i dont like that, i really dont like that.

i went back to Times Square today to take more pics and info...
i came home resting after that. watched the movie at home... i m not feeling good or anything.

>>October 18, 2011 at 1:15:56 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 15 日 星期六 【晴】

i havent finished the report, i decided to go back another day to take more pics and info.
actually i could ask *Sa for help, but i guess i'd try to do whatever i can first.. then see if
she 'd like to take some parts.

i hate working there... i dont like those customers.
i had 4 hrs with *Sn today... it was okay.. she shared some thing with me, she cried.
she has come confusion... about this world and our job... i chatted with her for awhile..
i share some experience with her. she said she wished me well, though she doesnt know
if i was her friend. well, the thing is... i didnt say but for me, it's hard to make real friends
these days. i choose my friends carefully at work. its like, *Sn is her those bitches' new
friend. she's their baby sister. i dont mind to be nice or friendly with my ''teammates''
but friends are something else. *J, *C are the only ppl i d trust in the team, beside the
new comers. i used to have more friends in the team, like *L and *Ky they are like the
big brothers for me, then of course *F and i are still hanging out sometimes. i care about
*G and *S as well, but they all left already. i'm in touch with them.. so now i only have
*C and *J are my only friends.. then the other team, i do have some buddies too.
but anyway, it doesnt really matter since i dont share or show myself with them.
i could only talk and chat, but deep feelings or tears, i'd never shown. if i start i'd cry.
and i dont cry at work ever again. never again.

i got his reply.
i'm trying to understand how his life is.

tmr... i d be off, i think i d go to the doctor again..
then i dont know.. dad said we d meet with grand parents for lunch.
i dont know... will see...

i miss him.

>>October 16, 2011 at 6:17:40 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

i m still very sick..
wanted to call sick but i m waiting.
it might be... like a way to punish myself. its like... i hate myself.

anyway, work was busy but okay..
closing the busy counter with *Rn today in the last 3 hrs..
i had 4 hrs with her today, so i tried to avoid leaving with her after work, i waited till she
's gone then i left. i dont mind to work with bitches, coz i had no choice in general.
after work, i dont wanna pretend to be fine with them. i rather be bored on my own.

tmr.... i cant call sick, coz... *Kn helped me to check my schedule for tmr,
i 'd have 2 hrs for the mall visit report. so... i'd need to work hard on it, since the manager
wont be at the office, i could stay there and prepare for the report.. and there're some
reports i havent finished since long. they didnt fucking give me any time for the reports,
kept giving me the surveys, so i needed to stay at the mall walking around all the time.
and now i'm sick, still had to stay inside the lift holding doors for those crazy rude ppl.
i hate those insensitive assholes and bitches. i dont like rich ppl. they're the craziest ppl
in the world. they think they are greater than anyone else in the world, fuck them all.
i keep reminding myself what i'm doing and my job duties, job nature, blah blah..
i keep reminding myself to think about what they need and want and how i can do better
blah blah... i'm so tired.

i miss him, but there's nothing i can do.
somehow i wonder.... what he's thinking.. but yea... i m not gonna push myself to
someone who doesnt want me. it's like... i love him so much that hurts myself as much.
i think of what he's told me before, and i trust him, and i think of what happened when i
was in Van and Japan, what he told me, what he did to me... i just think .... i dont know
what he wants or what i should do you know... i want him but it just seems like he doesnt
want me. its like why does that hurt so much when i love someone so deeply truly and
i might feel easier if i m just hanging around with the ppl i dont love or dont care.
why is it so unfair? has he ever understood what love is and how it felt, when i feel him
avoiding me or pushing me away, when i 'm always on his side waiting on him supporting
him on whatever whenever. it just made me cry. i m crying when i'm in bed.

and ppl wonder why i'm still sick after weeks, yea coz i'm not in mood at all, and i m
hiding my sadness everyday. i m pretending fine when i'm at work. i m not sharing my
feelings with ppl. even on my facebook i m just pretending i m fine. i m escaping with
ppl i m hanging out with, i m avoiding to show my emotions even when i'm with my friends.
ppl dont need to know what i m feeling or facing. they have no ideas coz i dont let them see
not letting them know. they dont need to know. they dont need to see me. i let them know
i m poor, i let them see i m coping fine, coz i need them to believe me i m okay and i m
not a freaky weak girl they could step on. for some new comers, i dont want them to
think i m a weird person, they just need to treat me normally. i m stronger than they thought.
i m scared but i dont want ppl to know. i m weak but i dont want ppl see it.
i wanna be nice to ppl... i dont wanna lie... i dont wanna be bitchy or bad or un-loyal to them,
i dont wanna be a bad person... so i dont lie or gossip or anything.. i m weak but i need to
protect myself.. so i hide and they dont need to know to worry for me.

>>October 15, 2011 at 6:33:08 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

i cried to sleep last night...
my eyes went puffy, i was very tired this morning.. i guess i had 8 hrs sleep last night,
but probably much less since i kept waking.

very sick today, kept coughing at work, runny nose, felt dizzy.
sort of busy, still alright.. not in mood at all.

tmr.. wanna call sick, but i need to do the mall visit. so.... i dont know..
but the day after would be Sat and Sun, pretty busy.. cant take day off.
sigh.... i dont know...

im stressed.. and tired..

when i saw the pics of Van posted by my friend...
i just felt ... a bit sad... i miss him and the days there...
i dont know how to explain my feelings.. it just feels weird.

>>October 13, 2011 at 4:42:55 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 11 日 星期二 【晴】

i thought he quit...
i saw him on facebook.
on one hand, i m happy that he'd back to his social life with his friends. on the other hand,
i m sad that he didnt tell me. i wasnt supposed to know i guess, but facebook told me to add him.
i didnt add him. why should i, since i thought i was one of his closest but wasnt invited.




i havent slept well lately..
still pretty sick.. i hate working with those bitches at work.
i hate it when they are so fake.
office moved, so.. yea, new room and new locker.

i m running out of money already.
i dont know ... will see..
i should hang out with my friends, but i m trying to delay.
i cant schedule all in this month. but i'm pretty lonely and bored...
i m stressed and tired.

>>October 12, 2011 at 4:03:48 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 9 日 星期日 【晴】

things changed, but my feeling hasnt changed.
i dont know what to do, i m worried, he doesnt want me to worry indeed.
but i wont be able to leave him, not about if he deserves me or not.
it's coz i love him and i dont want any bad things happen to him.
i dont know if he d feel the same for me, but i definitely dont want him to be in pain.
it just hurts me when i know he's been suffering.

if he should thank, he should thank God.
there's no reason why we could have met at the first place anyway.
there's no reason why i would have fell in love with him, and there's no reasons how we
could keep this relationship for this long after all the craziness. there's no reason why i
should forgive the pain he has caused me, no reasons for me to accept him as who he is.
if he needs to thank, he should thank God. coz when i was in need, my family helped me,
my friends helped me. He didnt let me go till the time came as well. so when i came back
to HK, i just told myself i couldnt let him down, and for whatever i have got from the others,
i want to make them greater for the others as the return.
the only reason why i keep helping while i shouldnt, coz i love him. that make sense for
everything. i dont think he deserves everything but i d do coz he's just that important to me.
if he should thank, thanks to God.

i miss him.... i really really miss him.
what should i do now?

>>October 10, 2011 at 4:35:36 PM GMT+8

2011 年 10 月 8 日 星期六 【晴】

you can never say never when you dont know..

i dont know.. i miss him so much.
when will i see him again?

i'm sick, i went to the doctor today.. took some medicine, not having fever now but still
pretty headache and my nose and my throat, didnt feel dramatically better.






Some things we don't talk about
better do without
just hold a smile
we're falling in and out of love
the same damn problem

together all the while
you can never say never
why we don't know when
time and time again
younger now then we were before
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go

picture, you're the queen of everything
as far as the eye can see
under your command
i will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
steady your hand

you can never say never
why we don't know when
time and time again
younger now then we were before
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go

we're falling apart
and coming together again and again
we're coming apart
but we pull it together
pull it together, together again

don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go,
don't let me go

>>October 9, 2011 at 12:45:12 PM GMT+8