2013 年 12 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

Cas, what are you gonna do?

today, i have finally figured out what should i respond if CX asked me again why they might
fail me again. i was so scared of this que last time.. i should have said to them that, the reason
they might fail me is because i was missing a chance, a chance of training to make me
become one of the best cabin crews, to represent the company. and since i was there, i would
love to receive any comments or listen any advice from them. the reason why they should
hire me is because i am confident that i would not let them down, and i can do it.
but its too late now... after 6 months, i finally figured out how to answer these two questions..
but i m under AMS now.. they probably won't even consider my application.


you know some girl died. i probably haven't seen her before, but many crews that i know of
knows her or is her friend. so... i saw many stuffs on fb these days. Mr.H was so pathetic.
we'd never talked after he changed his target. i actually didn't really care as in it doesn't really
matter to me actually, coz i don't want anything with him anyway. i hate his bullshit, coz he was
so fake and stupid. he thought i would believe him. so i just ignored him. he basically was being
with a new target, and got her became his gf then came telling me he thought he's a bad
guy changing his mind. i saw the truth myself after awhile that he had told me about his gf.
the truth is he's been with her for awhile already instead of ''the version of story that he has
made up with'' just to make sure i would pay my empathy and wouldn't think he's an ass.
fuck him.

then he talked to me again all of the sudden.. he didn't say hi, didn't asked about anything
except one direct question.... ''do you know her?'' in my mind, first thing came across my
mind was ''fuck you! go fuck yourself.'' how fucking rude and disrespectful he was??
he's a news reporter. after the news were released for 2 days, and no more further updates
been released, he came asking me if i knew her. fuck him. i don't know that girl, but i wouldnt
bad mouth behind her. she's dead, murdered. i don't like my company, but i wouldn't betray
my company or any dead person especially she was murdered. who would do that??!
i said to him ''how does that relate to you?" he never replied. he is really bad, really really bad.
what did he say before? he saw me as his best friend? FUCK HIM. yea, best friend.
he's fucked in head. i hate reporters trying to get any info from ppl and make up stories from
that. that's exactly what his news company famous of.

anyway...... Cas....... what are you gonna do about the AMS thing? honey said i should sue them,
or at least tell them i might hire a lawyer. that's not what i wanted to happen though. you know...
i don't want to cause troubles. they are being extremely unfair to me, but i don't want my
recorded ruined at CX. i feel really bad.

i miss him...
when i was at Taiwan, i just missed him lots.. i hung out with two girls, i missed him still.
but here is so different from there. without him, everything is different. i love my family
and friends but i miss him so much too, i love him too.

since i m back, he doesn't really talk about himself... i keep emailing him. but he replied less.
what is he thinking? never see, never mind? doesn't matter since i'm not there?
or it only matters when i have real troubles?

don't cry, Cas... you cried too much already..

i still have his lucky coin that 100Yen in my purse.










>>December 9, 2013 at 4:43:30 PM GMT+8

2013 年 12 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

why do i need so much bullshit?
i'm really under ams now. i don't want any appointment or interview with them if all they are
gonna say was just some bullshit or being fake. they fucking know why i m under ams, and
i don't deserve that. i m being punished for shit that shouldn't happen to me while i was working.
why am i being punished for such stupid reason?

they wanna see me? for what?! if just writing emails or talking on phone, i could still control
myself even though i have my finger up while on phone. but in person? do i have the right
to confront their stupid rules? do i have the right to not being polite just because i know i am
not as fucking stupid? its really really pissing me off. it's gonna be a whole fucking year!
and why my record should be ruined for such stupid thing?! i don't deserve that!!!!!

and i don't know why... since i'm back to work, i have been being in bad mood...
its like i wanna do my job great, i m nice and professional to the pax, but then i keep meeting
weird or bad crews, and i m not happy with some ppl just being totally bitchy or kept rushing
for things that shouldn't be rushed. its like we were doing long sector, we had plenty of time
to finish all. why fucking rushing me? that doesn't make you senior, that makes you unprofessional.
i cried almost everyday, and i tell myself i could do it i will be ok.. but i m not ok.








>>December 7, 2013 at 5:08:50 PM GMT+8

2013 年 12 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】

i haven't been writing anything for a long time..

my trips were over. i came back from Vancouver, then went japan to see him.
i have got plenty of time to think... and the memories from the past were all great.
i miss everything, the people, the food, the place, the good time, the tears, and i miss him
the most, seriously the most. and i miss the school. i even went there with Miki.
i went Steveston. there was one thing i didn't do was checking on the poppy flowers.
i m sure they were not growing in winter but i just wanna go back there and see.
i went Steveston 2 times. i kindda regret the second time Miki and i couldn't go alone instead.
coz aunt and Jack's gf were not interested, so we needed to leave earlier.
i enjoyed spending time myself there, even though no one can take pic for me.
i guess i just miss the old time so much, and i wish he was there. we didn't need to spend
all the days and time together. we could have our own personal time too, i just want him there
somehow, so that we could hangout and ate together. places were not as attractive without him.
its like every single little things would remind me of him.

in japan... my trip... it was sweet. hummmm before i went there... i kindda asked myself
what i was expecting this time. i didn't expect anything much. i just wanted to spend time
with him, just wanted to be there with him, because i love him and i know i would miss him
so much when i come back, i didn't want to waste the happy time we could have together.
i didn't want to regret. i really wanted to treasure the time we could have together.

and i guess i understand now, finally i understand how come i'd turn to him every time
when i need someone, when i want to share anything happy or sad or angry, why he's the
only person. because he's the only person i could feel safe to be with, well beside my
family of course. i mean feeling safe and secure like... i m calm, peaceful, i feel beautiful.
i feel like i could be gentle and i feel beautiful about myself even though i know i m not that
pretty. i know who i am and i could be.

and we made it. after 3 years something.

and i asked him if he really didn't want to visit hong kong.

i didn't mean to cry when i left. but when i was leaving, i couldn't help, i just kept looking back.
i even turned around and reached him and held his hand. and he did the same.
and i cried when i was walking to the station alone. i m terrible at saying bye.

after back to hong kong... i went to work straight. it was harsh. i haven't worked for a month,
and i was pretty nervous. i was... but i was happy to be back to work except i was scared.
i met some terrible purser... it was difficult. some women they are just..... that bitchy.
no matter wether they are evil or not, they are just naturally bitchy about everything to the
certain degree that you don't know what they want. i did my job, fellow the company standard.
i don't care anymore. i don't want their bullshit. its like i work for the company, yes. i work for
the pax yes, we work as a team yes. but the thing is, when everyone dislike the same person,
there must be some fucking huge problem on that person. she hates everyone, dislike everyone.
she's pathetic. i shouldn't even assume she would stop disliking me, right? so why should i care?
i hope she stopped being bitchy, but is her choice not mine. i was lucky she wasn't picking on
me specifically.

five days duty done... and i'm returning to work tomorrow.

i hope to see him again soon. i wish him a happy and safe journey. i love him.
i love my family too. what can i do for my family? i feel like i always do nothing at home.

>>December 6, 2013 at 2:07:20 AM GMT+8

2013 年 11 月 17 日 星期日 【晴】

I'm at Vancouver now... I was so exhausted but I couldn't sleep.
I slept ard 11:30pm but woke up at 4:15 just now... Bad.
Everything feels familiar but weird coz he's not here.

Meeting miki at Richmond centre then taking sky train transferring
Different lines n changed bus to get to her school.
It's was such the huge pain in the ass...

I miss Steveston a lot, wanna be back there soon.
Does he miss home? Does he miss me sometimes?

I kinda miss how convinent HK or Richmond is.
However, I ve never stayed at hall or school before.
Never took classes in a real university campus before.
It's a good experience for me. I miss how nice mom would
Prepare dinner for us so we don't need to worry and still
Got nutritious food.

5:15 now... Wanna get up instead...

>>November 18, 2013 at 1:20:17 PM GMT+8

2013 年 11 月 16 日 星期六 【晴】

I'm going Vancouver.
it feels complicated coz he won't be there this time.

anyway, i finally bought the iphone5s. its out of my expectation coz i don't have any budget for it.
however, my iphone4 from dad was not working, i couldn't risk bringing an unusable phone
on a trip. if i have no phone, no internet, no contacts, there'd be way too bad for my trip,
and it's dangerous too. and i need my phone and keep tracking on work stuffs. sigh.
its the pain in the ass… i have been very stressed actually, money wise, policy things,
my sick leave and duties… its a whole bunch of bullshit. i m so pissed off but i don't know
what to do next yet.

i went to the atm and forgot to take the money after withdrawing. so…. … it's anything trouble
I'm dealing with at the moment.

i hope everything would be fine.

i miss him.. i wanna enjoy the trip. i do hope everything would be fine..
and i hope grandma is alright. even though i don't agree with her sometimes, i know she loves
dad too. she's my dad's mom.. so i won't hate her of course. i hope she gets well soon.

>>November 17, 2013 at 3:26:28 AM GMT+8

2013 年 11 月 14 日 星期四 【晴】

I'm very upset. am i too naive or why?
i love my job, i do care about what i am doing what my role is, and that's why i m pretty upset.
it shouldn't be like this, tell me am i fucking wrong?!

>>November 15, 2013 at 9:56:07 AM GMT+8

2013 年 11 月 13 日 星期三 【晴】

where the fuck did ALL MY POSTS go???????
WHERE ARE THEY????

lucky there are still here… i kept logging in the past few days… i could log in,
but all my posts were gone, couldn't write anything, couldn't see my posts before..
fuck, i thought i lost them all.

i went to Tung's wedding last night with lots of classmates from the secondary school.
hummm i was actually pretty happy for him, and i see i'm still a special friend to him.
i can feel that, and that's why i m really happy for him. i guess he didn't forget our innocent
stuffs even though i d never mentioned them anymore.

i told honey i went there, but he didn't reply anything… some classmates asked when
it would be my turn… to be honest, i don't know. i m not even sure if i want a big wedding.
i guess i m not so into these.. my wedding……. i m not sure if i could get married.
and if i m getting married, i don't want a show for everyone. i want a small private one.
only the two of us would be alright too. but of course when i consider my parents might
want to be there since it's a tradition, and of course parents want to witness their child
getting married, so…… hummmm i don't know.. i m not getting married yet anyway.
if i m getting married, i only want my close friends and good friends there. a small wedding..
maybe around 10-20 people max, unless i m holding a party after wedding.

anyway… i went to the labor department that day… there's nothing i can do..
i don't know if it's a good or bad thing for my future.. i m upset, it sucks, i cannot do anything.
i just see the rules or regulations aren't set for employees but the employers.
maybe ppl try to be fair, so they play with the wording.. but i do feel like i m a victim,
but i had no protection. the only thing i m happy about is the care and love from my family,
honey and friends. and i have tested my own judgement of moral and belief.

i miss him lots.. and i have been thinking of my trip to Van again, then also seeing him soon..
i couldn't sleep. i have been thinking of the days when i was there.

brb.. shower first..

>>November 13, 2013 at 5:02:52 PM GMT+8

2013 年 11 月 8 日 星期五 【晴】

things are getting complicated.. because as expected the company is not helping me
anything but going to put me under AMS.. i emailed them after getting the reply from honey.
i do appreciate his support and he does help me so much on this. he's the only one who
is strong enough to stand beside me to let me know what i m thinking is right, and he'd do
the same if he's me. my family is being supportive, but i m not getting them involved.
i don't discuss with them. i tell them what's happening and what i m gonna do.

i cannot say they'd definitely put me under AMS, but most likely they would do so
coz doctor cannot split the date on the sick leave note. and i totally agree with that.
and at the beginning i shouldn't be put on sick leave anyway.

i m sad coz…. i m very upset that…. its not the right timing.
i m upset coz.. i have been waiting and trying to stay positive about re-apply to CX.
but now in this case, it'd be even more difficult for me. coz they don't take AMS applicant.
and if i go against my company in any ways, they'd find out too at the end.
i cannot be hopeful to wait for a year to get out from AMS, which its conditions would be
pretty harsh. and I'm talking about a year of duty, that i have to make sure i won't get any
sick leaves more than 2 days per month. i cannot predict on that. especially for weird
cases like what i have this year. i m taking ''14 days'' when i m not sick and while i only
had 10 days in the past 15 mths. i am not happy about that. its proved that i shouldn't be
on sick leave but they still do require me to report sick. i am in fact very unhappy and find
it really unfair to me, not only for these 14 days, but for the coming whole year, for all the
worries i am gonna have, for the risk of being real sick but fear to report to the company.
if you were me, what would you do?

honey said…. i have to stand for myself. i cannot agree more.
and he also said, it seemed CX won't take me anyway… does he really think so actually?

all of the sudden, i have a though in my mind… am i meant to be in this company?
am i not meant to be in CX anyway?

if i m gonna go against my company, there's no big chance that i'd win, however that's
the end of my dream of being part of CX. i m putting an end on my dream. i have been
thinking everyday to prepare for the coming application, i have been thinking of trying
and trying again, how to get into CX.. but it's not gonna happen anymore. i m killing my
own opportunities which i have been fighting for since 19.

but if i don't stand for myself, i would regret. because i would not be able to be proud of
myself when my life would end. i cannot be proud of myself in front of my children if i have
in future, i cannot tell the younger generations to be honest and to fight for his own.
if it's a test for my own, i should take it. because this is right to do so.

it's usually like…. when you want to gain something you have to give up something first.
i m not the first one who got this kind of trouble, and i m pretty sure i won't be the last one.
it might happen to me again as well. my action might not be able to help much, but at least
I'm doing the right thing. i m doing what i have to do. "revenge is a dish best served cold"
its true, but i don't want to suck it up and hold on to the next year. i m not taking any real
revenge, i m talking about my tolerance for being treated unfairly.

i shared this on my fb, only limited to my close friends, family and relatives:
"When it comes to responsibility for myself or the others, i don't run away. School and
experience taught and trained me to stand for what is right. Although it's tough, i shouldn't
abandon myself. “當仁不讓” was the comment from my class teacher on my annual report
when i was 14. i am reminding myself these four chinese characters when I'm making this
hard decision tonight."

i m truly thankful for everyone who have ever listened to me when i needed, who have
helped me and supported me.. i do appreciate them all, especially honey and my family.

i kindda feel like there's no turning back. i don't know what it's heading to.. i hope i would be
strong enough to get through all these.

>>November 8, 2013 at 7:36:34 PM GMT+8

2013 年 11 月 5 日 星期二 【晴】

long sick leave…. makes me missing him more..
then, the most worst situation for me is like…. AMS… if i m under AMS then I'm fucked..
I'm grounded now…. i think the bacteria inside my body is cleared now.. but still…

it was my first time needed stayed at the hospital overnight, with injection and infusion..
hummmmm i was sent to the ER, then transferred to the ward… did some blood test
and poop poop test… many things… sigh….. long story..

i have lots of my mind.. i will come back soon.. wanna take a rest first..
have been pretty exhausted everyday even though i don't do much..
i think its coz of those heavy medicine and the antibiotics.


















>>November 6, 2013 at 1:18:59 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 28 日 星期一 【晴】

:'(
sigh.... i m sick and i m stupid.








>>October 29, 2013 at 5:36:13 PM GMT+8