2013 年 9 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

i'm so stupid...
it's my bad again... both for my relationship and at work as well.

when will i stop being so stupid or stop hurting the others? or at least knowing how to say
something positive instead? when will i be able to control myself, stop being so fucking
bitchy to him? when will i be smart at work? be smart dealing with those fucking assholes?

:'( i m really tired... really really tired.... i cried today inflight.. i was so bad.



>>September 9, 2013 at 6:02:03 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 7 日 星期六 【晴】

am i really that pathetic? i dont wanna be like that all the time.
i'm just a girl. i feel like i have been chasing after him, pleasing him, hoping that he'd understand
me, asking him to love me. i'm just a girl. i've learnt to accept, learnt to live my life, learnt about him..
but he's always just... using his own points of view to me all the time. has he considered me?
maybe he did but i didnt see, didnt see well enough. am i missing something?

am i seeing him this month? he hasnt replied yet. maybe he is having fun and he forgot about me
again.

getting ready to go now.














>>September 8, 2013 at 7:12:35 AM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

i m so stupid...

i thought i was flying beijing over night tonight... i left home already... got on bus, then checked
the crew list and didnt find my name on it. then i kept checking, then i realised i should be off
today. i m flying tmr instead. i knew why.... coz after the Kolkata turnaround flight, it should be
the short break.. i thought the day i came home was my short break already, but actually not.
that's just counted as duty day as well.. so, that day i came home in the morning, plus the short
break, plus today, i should have had 3 days off. i was so stupid.. i quickly got off bus the next
stop, and took a taxi home. i was so dumb.. wasted all the time and energy for the make up
and hair do. ..... ... .........

but yea, that day after the Kolkata turnaround, i was extremely exhausted.. i slept around noon..
i slept till night time, then i got up for dinner... then i slept again ard 11 pm till the next day around
10:30 am... long sleep.. and last night i slept ard 2 am till 12 this afternoon. i really needed more
and more sleep. i feel like my body is so tired...

sometimes i'd worry where we are heading to.. look, there's another girl he's seeing regularly.
someone would stay overnight. she's pretty, she's hot, she might be around my age, she's local.
she is not insane, she's normal. she likes him and thinks he's with her. but me, i always piss him
off, he's bored with me, we no longer do that anymore.. we are more like friends now.
we kissed when i left. i really miss him. i really do..

does he understand that i really need him, and i really need to get close with him?
but i m too shy coz i worry being rejected again. i'd never been confident enough, it's just
extra hard for me right now.


“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me.
Danger is very real. But fear is a choice.” ─ Will Smith







>>September 7, 2013 at 11:29:20 AM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 3 日 星期二 【晴】

Kolkata turn around tonight... soon to leave home..
humm.. yesterday called out for the Vietnam flight turnaround..

every time after i come home, i would have mood swing.
i hope working would help me to overcome these.
i miss him, and sometimes i'd hate myself missing him or not being able to be a tough girl.
maybe sometimes i m scared.

anyway... see u again soon. gotta get my uniform on and leave.



>>September 4, 2013 at 10:01:06 AM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 2 日 星期一 【晴】

ready to back to work...
i was sick, went to the doctor, but the medicine makes me very drowsy..

there was a tornado at koshigaya yesterday. i didnt know it till late evening when i was having
tea n cake with Shan.. mom called me. i emailed him to see if he's alright. coz it's close to his
home. but then he didnt reply me. i emailed again this afternoon just wanted to make sure he
is okay... he emailed back. well, he asked me to stop being dramatic, there's no tornado or
storm at his area.

i had dinner and dessert with Shan last night, at our neighbourhood. it was alright.
nice chat, nice time with my best friend.



>>September 3, 2013 at 5:42:50 AM GMT+8

2013 年 8 月 31 日 星期六 【晴】

Sep 1.

i dont want to go..



>>September 1, 2013 at 1:06:13 AM GMT+8

2013 年 8 月 30 日 星期五 【晴】

time flies... i felt like i didn't come long then id need to go tmr already..
Dave has left too... just today.. then im leaving tmr..

too much drama and tears for me today... i can't handle more next time probably..
the below is what i typed on my iphone note at the starbucks by myself just now..

"When I wasn't even ready to say anything, I have already blown things away.
As always, I'm just a failure, figuring things out at the last min. Always regret what I could have
done to make things better. But when myself even feel tired, I m really tired to go on. Look what
i have done this time, I'm so scared.

Seeing things happening again, it just reminds me what happened that year. The feelings is hurt,
beside hurt there's laughters. Will we be able to go back to normal n laugh it over after years?
But are things gonna be easier for us in future?

If i say 3 ppl party wasn't the real reason, would anyone trust me? If our sex life wasn't affected by
his outside fun, would I say no? But he doesn't understand. He thinks I'm creating drama.
But problem doesn't come from myself. My problem is related with him. He doesn't accept it
that doesn't mean it's not true.

Just now, walking towards that Starbucks, I wondered I shouldn't be that lucky to bump into him.
I wasn't sure where he was, he said far.. I just didnt expect so far that I could bumb into him and
her. Why lying? I saw him, not sure if he did see me or not, I turned around and walked away.
Didn't say hi or anything. It would be too much drama if I went up. Not sure what he feels but I'm
leaving tmr.. Not sure if we r gonna talk ever again. Depends on him I guess..
Depends on how he thinks.

When I look into the mirror, I see a very sad girl. That's me."

i know i did look very sad, coz... the ppl stared at me.. some shop staffs stared as well.

he found weird that i bumped into him, he joked if i stalked him.. the thing is, if i was there before
him then what? why would i know he was there.. he said he was far, and needed to get things
for his work next week. i thought he went shopping for stationary, instead of having coffee
at the starbucks relaxing with her. he said it was weird i just saw him and turned away then
walked away. i asked was i supposed to go up and said hi? he joked it'd be even more weird.
exactly. whatever. i dont wanna see what i saw today, but i didnt have a choice.
lake town is the only relaxing place that i like... and of course it's the place that i thought
belong to ''us''. yea, i thought only.. obviously it's not.

i hate myself being so bitchy and fuzzy sometimes. when i m pissed off, i could be a bitch.
and i cant help it. i know i should treasure the time we have together instead.. but then
thinking about the assumption of.... our sex life is already dead unless it's a party of three, that's just
sad enough.. but then experiencing it with feeling myself being neglected like an accessory there
that just hurts me so bad. so bad. i wasnt prepared for seeing her, but all of the sudden it was
confirmed. i wasnt ready, but then they already got things prepared... so.... alright lets do it..
he told Dave everything in public. i was so embarrassed. he kept teasing me. fine.
last night we didnt talk about what time she's coming.. this morning we didnt talk about it..
i expected maybe afternoon, thought he would let me know in advance.. then all of the sudden,
i didnt even hear doorbell. she's here. and he said leaving in 15 mins.. okay... but i waited and
waited by myself in my room, after 15 mins, i was okay to go. they were not coming...
till after 30 mins... i was already nervous as hell. of course they dont mind but i fucking do mind.
they are gonna enjoy it, am i gonna enjoy it? she likes him, she thinks he's with her. she doesnt
mind having me there. he likes it, he's incharged. he did things for her, then what about me?
was i just the entertainment there? that's why i said it fucking hurts so bad. this is not bullshit.
it was so fucking damn real. put himself into my position then he'd know.

im only sorry for not being able to discuss with him earlier on but having him to cancel me at the
very last min. making her or him feel bad wasnt my intention as all. i m sorry for that..
but i dont think he understands me..

i still made him our 7 years anniversary card.... yea... i love him, we have passed 7 years
already. 7 years ago, i was 20... 7 years from now on, i'd be 34. i cant imagine how time flies..
i was still a teen very innocent, but now i m old... i grow up a lot.. i have to thank him.
i do love him, i just dont know where we are heading to.

i dont wanna leave here coz of him.

yesterday dave n he were talking about vacation locations... if i was from hk, where i'd like to go..
i said i dont know. coz... he wanted some beach resort. for me, if i wasnt grown up in the big
city, i d like going big city for vacation. but if i grow up in a big city, maybe i d also want the big
city coz i like shopping n cafe n food. i like relaxing area, but not boring area. vancouver was
okay for me. coz i could relax n also do my window n grocery shopping.. beach resort, i don't
swim, i like the sky n the beach, but i m not sure what i could do there.... relaxing is good
if the resort hotel is nice.

i love him... just now i asked if i could kiss him.. he said it's weird to ask.. i just kissed him..
he said there you go. if eveything could be so simple, would that be great?

>>August 31, 2013 at 6:29:22 PM GMT+8

2013 年 8 月 29 日 星期四 【晴】

what do you want, Mei kwan?

why do you doubt him while you know u love him.. u r so stupid.
but why can't he be more gentle instead of always teasing me? does he really love me?
when I'm angry, i can't show him love. am i just too sensitive? if i don't want that 3 ppl party,
then what would happen? i just worry that s the only chance that i could with do that with him.




>>August 30, 2013 at 6:15:42 PM GMT+8

2013 年 8 月 28 日 星期三 【晴】

you have no ideas how happy i m to be here although i look very tired and i m very tired...
here's like my second home. like, i have two parts of life... switching mode to be in HK and here..

i dont come back for the 3 ppl party, or burger, or shopping, or the canada dry, etc.
i come back to see you. every months, anytime possible.
i hate standby at the check-in counter. i hate dealing with airline people after work.
i hate keep checking loading and worry if i could get the seat or if i d be able to get back to work.
i've to count my budget, but i m coming back anytime possible.

maybe i m just one of the girls passing through your life. maybe i'm the only one stick around,
that long enough to become your friend, or you might be tired of being attracted by me,
finding me no longer attractive, but still stick around that makes you think i'm the pain in the ass..
i'm a girl. a normal girl.

i m still attracted by you and your everything. what am i supposed to do?

keep talking about what you'd do if you had kids, the thing is.... you never actually planned to
have kids, not even getting married. why would you have kids and starting your own family?
maybe you do but im not the woman you plan to have a family with. sometimes i'm confused.
i m confused what you want.







>>August 29, 2013 at 1:39:14 PM GMT+8

2013 年 8 月 26 日 星期一 【晴】

omg, this time is the first time i have to offload some of the stuffs from my baggage..
it's over weight, too heavy for myself as well.. Gees.. how much shopping have i done for him??

anyway... hope to see him soon ^v^ i miss him hee hee *^^*

i should go to bed first, i m extremely tired... but i m sleepless..
have been busy to help Miki to prepare... we sent her to the airport today.. she cried a little bit
on the way there. she worried too much. but it's her first time leaving home, so yea...
and she's been so well protected, too innocent. so... expected. but i hope she'll take this grate
chance to experience life, experience things different from her world in HK. i mean not in a bad
way of course. she's a good girl. i dont want any bad influences on her or any bad guys around
her. i dont want her getting bullied or hurt by anyone. she's my babe sister anyway.
but yea, time for her to learn to grow up and she really need to grow up. miss her.....

i miss my honey, finally.... i could see him again soon!!!!! hope the loading would be okay..
i canceled my business class ticket and re-booking seat at the economy class..
i would really need to watch my budget since i have less income these few months and i have
spent some extra money and would need to save up for the coming trips. so yea...

see you in tokyo :)

>>August 26, 2013 at 5:14:50 PM GMT+8