2013 年 1 月 14 日 星期一 【晴】

3 days standby, no call..
i still got up at 3:40am each day, did my makeup and hair... then sit and waited from 5am...
i went back to sleep ard 9 am... then kept checking every 30 mins.

no call, i was wishing for no calls. coz... i m lazy. i was scared by those two flights before.
anyway, no call, so i could take more rest. but less flying hrs mean less money..... sigh..
then tmr, i'd fly to Phuket turnaround... this flight had the high tendency of reporting sick the other
crews told me. ppl hate this flight.. i dont know... first try tmr.

i miss him..

i did go to the Sha Tin the day before... i went to Marks & Spencer, wanna browse around for
the gift for honey for Valentines :) i wanna see more other stuffs first before my decision though.
i saw a nice tie before while buying the sweater for him in Christmas.
then i went to Sixty Eight.. i bought two bras, new year sales...big sales. then i got the panties,
but couldnt match as a set coz they'd launch the panties of that bras later. i hate it.
then yesterday after standby till 2 pm, i had lunch with my family, then i went to Tsim Sha Tsui
with Miki.. went to American Eagle, i love those shirt and that hoodies.. super slaes, 50% off,
but i didnt wanna waste money. then... yea... drop by that lingerie shop as well, wanna see if they
have those panties there. but no, the sales girls said the same thing..

i emailed honey... i just missed him a lot.

today,... after standby till 1pm, then had late lunch with mom... and went to the doctor with her.
she's been sick for awhile, keeps complaining everyday. so.. yea.. wanna go to the doctor
with her. she's okay i think, just that she always think she's not okay. anyway, hope she'll feel
better soon :(

i should go to bed now..

>>January 15, 2013 at 12:57:00 PM GMT+8

2013 年 1 月 10 日 星期四 【晴】

:'(

i feel so dizzy...
my last two days were ... i dont know what to say..

my flight yesterday wasnt smooth.. my purser was playing me..
and i got that written letter finally. i was seeing the Performance team before duty..
Celina was so funny... she said oh so you're Castor. i have heard of you before, you do look
so beautiful. i just smiled..didnt know if i should say thanks.. but yea..... not happy..
then my purser made me collect the whole aisle meal trays. full loading, two men carts,
but yea.. from Row 22 all the way down to Row47. that doesnt make any sense.
we finished a full cart, and they didnt even start from the back, shouldnt it be two-end-meet?
no, we went back to the galley, then didnt start another cart from the back. and she asked us
to start that second cart continue the collection. i cant reject so just smile and say yes then
continue. i think she's crazy.

today.... it's even worse... i dont know where i should start to write.. i just dont know... and..
it was terrible.. and... all the crews came telling me the same thing afterward..
and even the other purser... and i know i have met one of the most difficult pursers.
it's just crazy... and the passengers werent very nice neither. i m tired. i m very tired...
:'( and i told myself i couldnt cry this time.. then i told myself that when i go back to HK,
after these two flights then i would be free. i could email honey and tell him what happened.
i could have chocolate, i could have some sleep, i could relax. just finish this turnaround
flight then i'd be okay. i could check email, i could write to honey.. maybe he's got my box already.

when i come back to HK, i saw honey's email. he shared some article with me.. thanks..
i miss him so much :'( but i didnt tell him how bad i felt.. well... i couldnt even describe it now.
i m too exhausted. i feel so dizzy, really dizzy. i told him i had a rough day... but i cant go too deep.
i miss him :'(

>>January 11, 2013 at 2:39:40 PM GMT+8

2013 年 1 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

exhausted....

no call today, so lucky..

wanna write more... brb.. too tired.

>>January 9, 2013 at 9:46:28 AM GMT+8

2013 年 1 月 3 日 星期四 【晴】

do your best, Cas..

>>January 3, 2013 at 8:57:36 PM GMT+8

2013 年 1 月 2 日 星期三 【晴】

i got up early this morning.... i needed to do some online banking, i should have done it on the Jan 1.
then i made my coffee and started working on Jessica's stuffs again. i m at least 8 hrs behind now.

i was supposed to get up early yesterday to do my work then at the evening i needed to meet
with Doris. maybe coz i was too tired and sick, i was sleeping like dead... my sister another Doris
woke me at 3pm asking if i would still heat up the lunch for them. Miki was home as well.
i was like what? i looked at my alarm clock.. shit it's already 3pm. i slept for how long? 13 hrs?!
i got up, then i was supposed to leave home ard 4:30pm. i made lunch for them, then i got ready
and left..

i met with Doris, she took me to her cousin's place the nail salon. mine gotta be fixed. it's since
last month my PEK over night flight. so yea... her referral, it was quite cheap actually and it was
nicely done. i did French Nail this time. i have always wanted to try it, but would never want or
need to do that with my previous job. this job is really costly in a way that you always would need
to maintain the perfect look, even though you cant but you are really supposed to. i hate painting
nails. i dont have that time to do that everyday, i m not that patient to wait for it drying...
especially you actually do need to do it everyday to make it looks nice, coz they come off very
easily during work. and i get very very frustrated. i could spend days to paint a picture, to do arts.
steps by steps, do it in a very fine way... but you gotta give me time and allow me to really pay
full attention to it, and most importantly, it's a piece of stuff that would sit in front of me without
anyone or anything ruining it. in fact, nails? you spend time on it, and hope for the best the
colour wont come off or get broken right after you did it. coz it does happen everyday and it really
pisses me off. but doing soft gel is so much so much easier for me. i do it and ignore it for weeks.
no broken nails (touch wood so far), they look nice and cute. so... yea... no turning back.
just lucky enough that i have PEK or PVG overnight pattern once a month so far in the past, so..
i could enjoy that cheap deal staying there. then in HK, Doris's cousin can do it nicely and cheap
for me. i dont need to make appointment at some expensive place.

anyway... so after that, i had noodles soup with Doris, then walked around the mall then came
home... i was having headache since i got up, then i felt so cold.. then i rested, showered, went
to bed.. i didnt do any work. damn it.

this morning... i had headache, stomach still hurt, went to the bathroom several times..
feeling cold and shitty.. something is wrong again..

tmr, i m going to have the 3 days pattern again. sometimes i wish they could separate them
into different days. the 3-2-1 pattern is quite hard actually. KHH turnaround is alright, fast and
easy, but then one more to XMN.. i havent been there before. and it'd be the super early flight.
which means i gotta get up at 3:30am tonight and hopefully taxi would be available.
then the next day would be XMN-HKG-CTU.. i havent been to CTU as well... then the next day
CTU-HKG but all these are the early flight. it's like... what the hell? yea, being a flight attendant
allows you to fly around ''the world'' which for me is China most likely, that's fine. but think about
the crazy schedule and always with the minimum rest or speed duty that doesnt give you normal
rest... a nice hotel room is a nice hotel room, a great city is a great city but you are basically
grounded as in.... please get the room the key and your allowance, then see you in the early
morning tmr. night night. that's our crew life. sometimes, most of the time you dont get the
chance to have breakfast. coz you just woke up, and you have to go. you can have your coffee
on the crew bus, but at the same time revise what you'd need to do. and most of the time i glance
at the ppl, ppl are all sleeping on the crew bus. i asked around if they'd go out sometimes staying
outport. 100% of the ppl who worked for more than 1 year telling me they dont. when some younger
crews like me would go out sometimes only if there would be ppl asking to go out.
i always tell ppl i m old. they dont believe me. they usually think i'm 23 or 24. i said i'm 26 going to be
27. they were shocked. i was like.... oh yea.... so, i m not fit for all the crazy shcedule. i could cope
with that, i still have the energy to do so. i could still do my duty, perform well as the others,
but do i like it? no, coz i'm so fucking tired actually. am i smiling from my heart? yes, and it's also
part of my job. smile, even if you dont mean it. be positive and patient even if you're exhausted,
even if you wish to be a passenger so badly instead. stay alert and shows that you're full of
energy, mind your words, mind your attitude, mind your appearance. be extra aware of the safety
issues especially when everyone knows everyone is tired. this is extremely important. also dont
forget your magic words and services, dont forget your job duty, at the mean while remember to
stay elegant and cheerful, make the good working atmosphere.... everything comes into a package,
a flight attendant package. it's a bunch of image, but also very true when it comes to the safety things.
zero allowance or tolerance when it comes to safety issues.. and there are many many things
that we have to be extremely careful for... so... yea..... dont know how to describe it..
but so far i like my job. i like the whole package. so far... yea, i can deal with the schedule.
like honey said... much better than working at ifc.

i dont know how he's... maybe he's too busy or he's still upset about that time?
i dont want to think about that. coz... guessing is nothing except the answer would come.
and if the answer would come, it would come. relationship sometimes it's torturing..
and it happens only when you care so much. some ppl say if you're being too serious then
you'd start to lose. i dont want to admit that, but you cant ignore that as well.
if everything has its balance, and it always works, then perhaps we'd understand our place
and time to do different things. i love him, and it's true.

brb...










>>January 3, 2013 at 6:10:08 AM GMT+8

2012 年 12 月 31 日 星期一 【晴】

Happy new year.

well... my Christmas wasn't very great, coz i got the email from the company.
my speed duty was alright, except the stupid thing happened right after i finished my last
post while i was packing up my baggages. i was so upset, stupid me.
i emailed honey.. and i wasnt in good mood. i cried and... yea...

he blamed me not trusting him, in fact he doesnt care whatever she does but i kept being
paranoid and he has told me and explained to me before.. so he wasnt happy about that.
for me it's different. i didnt mean to do anything bad to see what would happen next.
am i curious? VERY. coz it's hard not to start thinking if i see something strange.
do i trust him? VERY MUCH, which could eventually confuse me coz of all the contradiction
was real and i can't bare any assumptions. coz they are pretty disruptive. you cant imagine
how much it's gonna hurt me and destroy me if it was real. and you cant imagine how scared
i was by seeing all those not possible things happening so surreal. it's a mess to me that
i dont wanna care at all but did happen all the time. i felt very bad to ask him and i heard his
answer and i felt even worse that i have asked but i needed to ask. and i felt terrible that
i have upset him by asking those ques and i know how he feels coz i can feel the same.
he asked me not to talk about that bs anymore. he thinks she and i are different. he said
everything about the differences and he's not with her. he does nothing with her. he chose me.

the crews were very nice and we had some crazy shopping and eating at Taipei.
it was a very crazy night, coz i only got 45 mins sleep but it was a nice hotel.. so... what a pity
that i couldn't enjoy the room. then came back to HK and met with Cap. she's back.
i havent seen her in a few years already. we used to be very close when we were younger
haha.. mainly when we were in Vancouver. i miss the time with my girls there, all the good time.
i was still emailing honey when i came back yesterday morning... i was worried.
then... had lunch with Cap, and TT her bf, and her little brother. then i came home... i was dying.
i like chatting with Cap.. and.. we didnt chat much coz TT and her brother were here.
TT was so funny as well. he seems very interested in Aviation but he's studying in bio-engineering.
he bought us lunch yesterday, thanks him. so i bought brownies for them.
Cap told me she's been waiting for TT to pop up the que. i understand. they've been together
for 3 or 4 years? i cant remember.. but i remember Cap wasnt hurry and she basically had not
thought about marrying him. but she said to me yesterday she's almost 30. she wanted to get
married, but TT is still in school, so cant rush for anything. TT tried to avoid this topic but sometimes
he would ask Cap que about marriage and test her. haha... i see.. she asked me as well..
i dont know... not any soon i guess... then i said to her maybe i'd be the last one.
Cyn actually becomes the first one to get married. then Vic is gonna be married this year too.
Ade disappears so no one knows where she's now. she cant marry girls in singapore anyway.
so Cap and me... who's gonna be the next after Cyn and Vic? i dont know... maybe Cap.
i probably would be the last or... touch wood even worse...

i was exhausted... then i went home and slept till honey's 12am, i got up and sent an email..
he didnt reply. i waited till my count down here, then i went back to sleep... not much sleep actually.
then i got up ard 4:30... morning flight today... exhausted. i had lots of coffee today.

tmr would be busy, the day after also. need to continue catch up with the work for Jessica.
but tmr id need to meet with Doris in the evening. hope the time would work fine..

happy new year... resolution is get life going, wishing all the best for everything, coz...
i cant foresee anything without passing my probation, or ... i dont know...
i wish honey all the best in the new year as well. i pray much more often these days.

i m sorry for the past whatever i have done wrong or for the things i didnt do well..
and thanks for the things that i've learned, for the experiences i have taken..
i just hope everything would turn out fine.

















>>January 1, 2013 at 3:58:37 PM GMT+8

2012 年 12 月 29 日 星期六 【晴】

yesterday didnt go well as i planned...
i got acknowledgement when i was working on the stuffs for Jessica..

it was a new port i have never been to, dont know anything about that port.
rushing to put on my uniform and touch up my make up and hair, got my trolley then left.
checking the airport info, flight info, service plan, galley packing list, catering check list,
latest crew notices there were many new updates during the night, checking crew list,
got the famous crews again which is scary. small a/c A321, which is complicated for me, etc.
calculating which position i could be, studying the task outline, checking for position duty,
locations for different equipments, rehearsing my tasks in my brains, then the safety ques
reviews, these are all done during my bus ride... then back to the office, sign in.... looking
around in the briefing office.. put on that flight attendant smile and face, acting as the KA's
girl standard to cover up my nervousness... bs.

the flight was very.... bumpy... weather sucks... some crews said might not be able to land.
it was not balancing when we touched down. kind of scary. and when we landed, it was after
23:00, so we could get AEL + Taxi claim. i called taxi, but.... waited for 25 mins and called back
no taxi available, network still very busy... i didnt think of that.... but yea the airport was super
busy this week... so......... i needed to actually run to get the last bus. lucky that i made it.
otherwise i need to wait for another hr for the taxi with a higher price i think..
back to taipo, i got off a few stops earlier to get a taxi home instead of walking home form my
bus stop. but that asshole driver was horrible. he kept shouting at me saying he shouldnt
have taken me. i ignored him. he kept shouting on the way, i just kept silent. at the end,
he gave me all those coins and smallest note for changing. who would do that?!?!?!! i could
actually write down his license number and sue him. and i asked for the receipt, he gave me
, then i got off. and i came home to check, it was nothing printed there! what an asshole?!

tonight i m flying to Taipei, speed duty, not even minimum rest time.. arriving the hotel ard 00:00
i guess.... then reporting the next morning ard 6 sth i guess.. coz the departure time would be
at 08:00. need to be there at least by 07:00.

Capella is back, we might meet for lunch tomorrow, not confirmed....

i slept ard 3 am last night... i got up ard 10 just now.... coffee with some biscuits, then...
wanted to continue with Jessica's documents but i watched tv instead... haha...
hummm.... ''You've got mail'' then.. really started working again.. i m so tired.

sometimes i want to have my own apartment, so i could do whatever i want anytime.
i could set things up in whatever ways i want. my kitchen, my bathroom, my bedroom,
my living room.. even if it's just a studio size place would be great. i dont need a huge
house. if i have a patio it'd be a huge bonus. if i could have a little garden which is not
possible, that would be great but also the pain in the ass. i will grow some flowers and
plant my own vegetables. it's fun to watch them grow. i saw honey's tomatoes and some
herbs growing before, it's interesting. really. if i could, i would want a cat. if i could, i would
want some rabbits. but they need too much space that i wont be able to have them.
they need a park. i like dogs, but i wont be able to take care of them. maybe cat would
be slightly easier. but i m talking about.... '' if ''.

today is' the 30th.... Gees... time passes so fast. i didnt feel like i had christmas..
i didnt feel like today is the 30th. i still havent finished many things... i need to pay my bills.
i should drop by the ATM later. i must before duty. and i'd need to do some on-line banking.

i wanted to get Taylor Swift's new album... but not every songs are desirable although i like
many of her songs... dont wanna waste money as well. i have bought a book recently.
i really wanted it since 2 months ago. i kept going back to that book store, glanced at that
a couple times, opened it a few times, read a few lines each times.. dropped it back everytime.
i bought it eventually few days ago when i was so depressed to work. i told myself, Cas....
keep going, after duty when you're back at the airpot the you can buy this book as a treat.
do your job, come back, then get your treat. that's how i bought it in the end.

i miss him.. dont know how he is... he's probably sick of reading my email actually.

see you later, Cas..





>>December 30, 2012 at 6:04:31 AM GMT+8

2012 年 12 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

i got up early, then i started working on the stuffs Jessica sent me.
at the moment now it's just all the translation work. same topic, but expended to teenagers.
it was ... hummm..... i wasnt surprised to read those script. i mean...

at that time, the last time i worked for Jessica, it was back to the time before i went to Canada.
and there were times i didnt understand how that things worked, coz i d never experienced
or heard of any before. i might have heard it over the news, but never got the chance to study
the most honest part. then when i stayed in Canada, i .... i had my own experience during the
long stay. at that time i recalled what i have saw and knew from Jessica's work. i left them
behind. coz, i wasnt them, i wasnt part of it neither. i just got to realise how real things could
happen. just another side of life, another side of life that lots of ppl were having. and i m glad
that at that time honey did lots of things to protect me and he actually would not put me at
risk. he would rather satisfy something to keep me safe. i wasnt doing anything illegal or
super dangerous. but he was there for me when i needed him. even though he broke my
heart sometimes, i still love him and i could see what he was doing for me. when i looked into
his eyes, i knew when he lied, when he was telling the truth. i knew why he lied and why he
was sad or happy. i knew he loved me.

December, dont leave us behind, would you plz stay a little while?
We dont always get the second chance. mistakes, misunderstandings, regrets, goodbye,
decisions, dreaming, hopes, endless replay.

i'll go back to december to make it alright. i'll go back to december turn around to change
my own mind. i'll go back to december all the time..

Cas... what are you gonna do?
Celina replied me saying has got my explanation letter. they would proceed on that and let
me know the result later. it really is..... kind of torturing me.

i miss him as well... Cas what can you do?

what did you do the last Christmas? last December? what about passing the Dec?
what were you doing in last Jan? singing ''back to the Dec''? or you are still thinking of the
time you were together that December that year? it was 2009 and 2010.
today ... is the last few days before 2013. there really many things have happened.
i have learned a lot of things too.. if time could fly, please bring us to the happy time in future.
bring us to the place we belong to.














>>December 26, 2012 at 11:33:30 AM GMT+8

2012 年 12 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

Happy Birthday to Jesus..

i got a sad christmas eve, coz i have lots of worries on my mind.
well... about my sick leave, it became a huge thing now. at least for me it is.
i dont feel happy about this christmas.

everyone asked me not to worry too much, including honey. but i cant stop worrying.
coz this job has been my dream job even though i dont like this company the best it's still
something i have been long for and i have paid so much effort to complete my training and
i work so hard everyday.. and it might end up sadly coz of some stupid reason, i m not happy.
i need this job as well, i cant lose it.

i had nightmares... i got up sad.. then i emailed him to say merry christmas.
chatted for a little bit, i guess he was trying to make me feel better but... i m still worried about
my job. i dont think he likes christmas, and..... hummmmm i dont know... i m lonely but no
choice. i met with Jessica, the dr i worked for before.. so now, i m gonna be a part-time
research assistant now? i just realised that today. i though i was gonna help privately.
but no.. i needed to fill in form and make some permit again. so..... yea........ i hope to get
extra money and a part time job anyway. that sounds great, something i enjoy doing at least.

i sent the explanation letter last night.... i m waiting for the reply.. and i d call on 27th to see
what else i can do or what i should do. i do care about it. i dont wanna get fired, i dont want
my probation be extended. i need holiday. i need to see him. i want to see him.

i went ti ifc, met with Christine, and saw Mandy, and some other girls at ifc..
then... just wanted some hug and see my friends on christmas. my best friends are busy with
the church and family. i should go to church too, but i met with Jessica this afternoon.
i felt sorry to lots of things.

i said merry christmas to honey, and he said yeah yeah yeah... am i sound very stupid to him?
i bought the wrong size of sweater. i thought it would look nicer if it's a bit lose, but actually it's
too big. i sent lots of snacks. but actually he doesnt understand why i sent japanese snacks
coz he could get them easily there. hummm i dont know why neither. i just get what i think he
might like. yea, i m a bit dumb dumb sometimes. maybe it's just part of me. in the afternoon,
i sent him another email. he didnt reply me. well, maybe everything i do sounds stupid to him?
but why?

merry christmas. i hope my mood isnt affecting the others today.

>>December 25, 2012 at 12:04:45 PM GMT+8

2012 年 12 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

i reported sick yesterday..... i was about to exceed my flying hrs can get good money,
but i was very sick yesterday, kept going to washroom in the morning, really unfit for flying..
so i had to report sick. i got acknowledgement but then coz i still have time, so i rejected 3 hrs
before duty start. i was considering for long to make this hard decision. but till the last min,
i was still at the bathroom, then i knew i couldnt fly....

i was scared, i dont wanna report sick expecailly after acknowledgement, i m not supposed to.
report sick after standby duty start, but still have 3 hrs before the new actual reporting time since
my standby hrs had finished right after they has scheduled me a flight. it's just not good..
i think i gave them some troubles. anyway, i made an appointment at my doctor's clinic..
after that, i still needed to wait for 2 hrs there... too crowded.

i met with my family for late lunch.. didnt eat much coz i couldnt eat. i bought some bagel
instead. then.. aunties Ching, mom, Doris and i went to Festival walk. Doris wants to buy a
gift for Miki. so, we were walking around stores... i was exhausted..

my standby duty starts at 11am just now till 7pm. so if they call, either late long sector flight
turnaround, or short sector flight turnaround, or if someone dropped the overnight flight,
then i might get lucky to get that. never know, never know... i want more flying hrs, but i hate
the feelings of standby, so i keep clicking to refresh my page to see wether there's any
acknowledgement. most likely, ppl would dropped those India over night flight which i also
dont like. haha... but if there's one, i will take, coz it's one of the longest flight, and i will get
allowance and exceeding flying hrs compensation. it'd be the good morning. i wish they
would assign me that flight. and tmr, i m supposed to fly short sector to TPE, i rather fly
overnight tonight and they can cancel my tmr early flight. hope for the best... but i reported
sick yesterday, maybe they wont call me today. it's very complicated... so hard to predict.

but one thing for sure that i cant leave home the entire day till 7 pm, and then....
tmr i get that crazy early flight, so........... i would be home the whole day and need to sleep
very early tonight. last night i slept for almost 9 hrs, not enough at all. i m still really tired.
maybe coz of the medicine..

how is he? today is Sunday. i hope he has a nice weekend. he's always busy.






>>December 23, 2012 at 3:24:35 AM GMT+8