2013 年 10 月 23 日 星期三 【晴】

Tung is getting married next month.
haha... i remember i used to like him, coz he was so nice to me. he always took care of me.
i guess he treated me like a sister or something, coz he never admitted anything.
the last day of school, i spoke infront of everyone in class that i used to like him. he cried.
haha it was so funny. i mean screwed that, i already treated him as a good friend and given
up any weird feelings towards him. i moved on. and i said i wished him all the best. i meant it.
after grad, we kept in touch only once in awhile. i had enough to worry about, my studies,
my relationship at that time, my part time job... i was chasing my dream, i wanted to study aboard.
i made it.. and he came to the airport. he was one of a few friends that went to the airport.
anyway, i had many changes in my life, i d never really updated him. but in my heart, he is
still a very good guy and a nice friend of mine. so, when i knew he was getting married,
i was super happy for him. i truly mean it :) and there would be a baby girl coming next year!!!
haha, i cant wait to see their baby. coz his wife is so pretty! i wish them all the best :)

for myself, i m going to Vancouver next month. well, first time since 3 years ago. i miss that
place so much, but that'd be my first time being there without a main reason of seeing him.
coz since i knew him in 2007, every time i visit Van was coz of him. but this time, he wont be
there. i m gonna miss him, it's gonna be interesting feeling yea? i might find the feelings of
being with my friends i mean with Cyn, Ade, Vic, and Cap, those years before i have met honey.
but they are no longer there... i might miss my buddies and schoolmates there, but they all
left Vancouver. so....... i will spend time alone and with my sis Miki. haha... interesting experience.

then finally i could see him again.. in Japan. sometimes i'd worry if he'd go Vancouver with
another girl in Jan, since he's not going with me. but if he does, there's nothing i can do.
but it'd hurt me, i'm gonna be very upset. coz i really want to go with him, but he doesnt want to
go with me but someone else. the thing is, i have even thought about not going in Nov if we
are going together in Jan. its not about trust or anything, its not like that. it's just purely like...
i want you but you dont want me, you wont someone else. well, dont think too much first..

i m flying Bangalore again tonight... sometimes id prefer China overnight.. coz at least i could
go out, right? but Bangalore or Kathmandu those are the places i dont want to go out... sigh.
i m thinking to withdraw that flying pattern request.

i have stopped talking with Mr.H. hummm i think he bullshit me sometimes.. i do think he's
with a girl actually but he's trying to get someone else. i dont want to entertain him.
i m not an entertainment.. i might be very lonely or bored... but still....... i dont want it.
i might want it for 1 min, but then.... it cant be something i really want. i know i dont.
if he mesg me, i might reply... but then not that big of a deal.. i dont really care.

i love him... and i m waiting...

Tung asked me when will be my turn, i said i dont know... maybe long time later... not any soon.
its not up to me.. he asked me to be quick. hummmm it s really not up to me...

>>October 24, 2013 at 7:47:41 AM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 20 日 星期日 【晴】

there r so many things i'd like to write about... but i should go to bed now first....
im so fucking exhausted..

i miss him... and we are probably meeting in Nov :) finally... hee.








>>October 21, 2013 at 4:54:08 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 15 日 星期二 【晴】

he said ' lu '
:)






>>October 16, 2013 at 2:53:16 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 14 日 星期一 【晴】

stayed home resting today....
sores legs n feet... very painful... exhausted... i took a sick leave.

i miss him..... hummmm... id need to see him soon.



>>October 14, 2013 at 4:08:18 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 10 日 星期四 【晴】

sigh... 2 days off finished.. tmr i will have kaoshoeing taiwan flight.. back on the day after..
i remember last time when i was there, i was scared of the room. but it's been a while since
last time going there. i quite like the cafes at taiwan. very nice.

anyway.. didnt do much... slept late, got up ard 2:30 again... then got up and went Festival
Walk with mom and had the yummy frozen yoghurt heehee. hazelnut flav. super super good.
felt like eating kinder hazel nut flav icecream. then waited for Doris's after school, and we had
dinner there.. then shopped around... she bought a bag with the coupon i got at Marks n Spencer.
i actually sponsored her some more, and mom got something from the body shop with the coupon
i got from there as well.. i didnt buy anything.. but before, i did buy a hellp kitty crystal necklace
for myself.. and today, i got something free from the body shop.

i miss him.. i wanna see him in Nov. i dont know if he can or cannot. but i think if he wants to
see me or miss me, he could definitely arrange sometime for me. we dont have to do much.
i just wanna see him, spend some time with him at night or have lunch or dinner together.
that's it. i m very simple.






>>October 11, 2013 at 4:24:36 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

resting day... family day..
i slept till 2:30pm.. if mom didnt wake me, i would have kept sleeping. i was sleeping like dead.
imagine, i have slept less than 12 hrs in 4 days. it was crazy.

yesterday, after shower, i went to bed and slept till around 4 pm... then i got up and went to
meet with Doris. we planned to go iceskating together after she finished work.
but then it was a little late, so we just had dinner instead. i really wanna join her class, but it is
difficult for me since i cant go to classes regularly. i m thinking to retake my driving lessons,
then i could apply for the driving license again.

i miss him again... i actually sent the post cards from the hotel this time..
i sent one to him, one to my home. hee. but i cant write too much, since there's no envelope
outside.. and Ayako might read the card.. so... yea.. :)



>>October 10, 2013 at 7:01:15 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

long flight... KTM... not actually that long, but one of the longest flights in our airlines.
and eventually we stayed for an extra day, 4 days pattern due to the AOG.
bird strike, didnt expect that would happen to me actually. but yea...bird died flew into the engine.

i miss him... would i be able to see him again? i used to think, it'd take a month to see him
next time. i would always go japan, maybe once a month. but now, i can tell you that's no.
it wont always happen the way you expect.

he heard me saying i m very lonely. he heard me. i hope he has listened me.
i dont know what i can do to keep this relationship going. i m so tired.. it feels like i m the one
to maintain this relationship. it would take him around a week to reply an email. if i dont email
him he probably wont email me. i m not angry at him, but i m crying. and he cant listen.
it's been always like this, but i feel so alone. its more like he's teaching me not to talk to him.
it's more like i m chasing after him. but it shouldnt be like this. if he doesnt feel connected
with me, then we are not together anymore. if he doesnt want to be connected with me,
then we dont have a relationship anymore. i m not the dependant type, am i?
if there's only him and himself in his world, then where am i? does he actually believe that
i need him? does he actually understand that? am i drunk now? i m me. if he loves me,
make me stay instead of asking me to go if i wanted to. what does that mean if i wanted to?
if i fucking want to i would have gone for long already. idiot!

i want to find some classes to go to.. i want to study or find some courses to do..
im so fucking lonely and bored.




>>October 9, 2013 at 7:03:54 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 4 日 星期五 【晴】

i keep thinking of him today..
and i'd have the boring overnight flight tomorrow...




>>October 5, 2013 at 5:24:02 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 3 日 星期四 【晴】

i emailed honey that day... i told him my feelings.. hummm... i dont know how to explain..
its like.... at least now i know he still wants me, but then technically we cant do anything.
i told him i m very lonely and bored. i am... for many times, i actually wish i could go out
with him rather than being alone or with my friends. i love spending time with my friends
and family and i enjoy going out alone by myself... but for many times, i want him next to me.
not to try to look cool or anything, just simply want him next to me. it could be at home,
only the two of us, anywhere, doing whatever, or anytime.. just want him here.
i want him to see how i live, who i am, where i grew up in... but we can't.
im getting frustrated abut not knowing where we r heading to.. i m frustrated about
i dont know if he wants to marry me. i m sad about something i want from him that he doesnt
want to give me. and he doesn't understand. it makes me wonder if he is willing to give in
for me. but i have never requested anything before giving in myself. i dont know where i place
my expectation.. i probably didn't place that high, but still i m looking down feeling my bottom
line is being challenged all the time. i love him. he thought i want someone else. i said no.
its not. its not because of Mr.H to be honest. it could be anyone here being so nice to me
then i'd come up with the same feelings, i want my honey to care about me more, i want to
know if my honey is still in love with me and want to have a future with me. i want my honey
not anyone else but he isnt being as nice as that Mr whoever. i m just a girl somehow.

anyway... i wanna go to bed first coz i m exhausted...

i fucking missed my briefing time while emailing honey.. it was so unacceptable.
and today i met Kelly the purser who wrote my probation check flight report. she was awesome.







>>October 4, 2013 at 7:05:24 PM GMT+8

2013 年 10 月 1 日 星期二 【晴】

i rejected Mr.H again..
i feel bad to do so, but i should... even though i do like to be cared, i cant be selfish.
its about the respect and loyalty...

i spent time with mom and my aunts today.. we went Ma On Shan Waterfront park.
then at night, met Winsome for dinner.. we didnt really have dinner, we went for dessert,
then took a long walk at the Tai Po Waterfront Park. nice chatting... i hope she'd get better soon..

sigh..... i told Mr. H that... in my own relationship, i have enough to worry and think about,
i couldnt handle more. it's too much for me to handle. and it's about the respect as well.
in fact, i do feel confused about my relationship... but one thing for sure, i do love honey.
i want to tell him about Mr. H, of course i'd tell him i have rejected him already.






>>October 2, 2013 at 6:23:53 PM GMT+8