2014 年 4 月 20 日 星期日 【晴】

i thought.... maybe i could be more independent, maybe i d stay more confident,
then maybe i d enjoy my life more here on my own... right..... i m feeling better..
i thought i missed him but at the same time it'd ease the pain of missing him.
in fact... when i knew that i could stay there for 5 days i was pretty happy and excited..
then all of the sudden that i could only visit 3 days.. coz he has to work... and he's like
so into his own living habit, he cannot have me there on the days he needs to work.
i can understand, coz i don't want to meet my friends the days i need to work too.
I'm exhausted, and i need to work the next day. i m always lack of rest. i understand.
but if he's visiting me, i'd appreciate that and i d let him stay. because he's that important.
however, he can't. I'm not mad at him, but i'm sad because i thought at least we could
spend more time together during my leave, not like other months. i have thought about
if he just wanted to be away from me. it just made me feel that way. i have asked myself
why couldn't he try to understand that i actually need him but i just don't complain.
because i know what he needs, and it's important for him so i don't want to complain.
but why can't he just try to think for me, and think about what i need. i'm upset, i m mad
at myself why can't i be more patient or considerate. but i do feel very tired you know..
i m so lonely sometimes that i feel like i don't have a relationship. i could only be his gf
when i was there? i don't need him to help me kill time on my leave. i need him as in
i need him in my daily life which we can't do. he's still in my heart though. i love him.

Mei Kwan... what do you want then?

i have been really exhausted at work.. sometimes the pax and the coworkers are really
killing me. its really really crazy.

>>April 21, 2014 at 2:02:35 PM GMT+8

2014 年 4 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

recently, two of my best friends ended their long term relationships. heart broken.
i feel pretty sad for them actually, and for myself i kindda think if i should be thankful now.
because i do love him, and i don't regret at all. i have nothing to be regretful or hateful.
well sometimes i do get pretty pissed off, but still.. i do love him and feel happy to be with him.
there are many things that are always out of control, never attempted to try controlling things or him.
i m worried about future but i m not controlling him or forcing him for anything, because i think
if he wants to, things could happen. and i m still very thankful that we could still be together.
i love him and i hope that we could still be together in the rest of our lives. he's the one that
i would be willing to die for, the one that i have chosen even without realising myself.
i hope things would be turn out fine there for him, and i wish him good health, because i love
him and wish him the best. i don't wanna lose my cool so easily, so i cannot tell him everything
i write here. but i believe that he would see me, the truth of me. it's better showing than saying.

i m taking my parents to shanghai soon tomorrow. first time ever since i started flying.
the tickets are counted on the company, 4 tickets in total for free. i let my parents have it.
i guess honey couldn't be jealous coz companion cannot be entitled for that anyway.
they are only for staff myself and family members. unless i become married, then husband
would automatically becomes my spouse then everything would be different.
it's my mom's birthday on April 11. and i hope it'd be a great one for her this year.
coz i m taking her to shanghai, and hopefully next year we could go japan together.
I'm not sure if honey would feel fine to meet them, i m not sure.. but i'd love to introduce
him to my family after more than 7.5 years by now.. but yea i m talking about next year..
so.. we'd see :)

anyway, hoping for a nice and relaxing trip. sometimes i cannot stand my parents nagging.
it irritates me, and makes me suffocated. but i hope this trip could be relaxing.
my dad is all excited, and i hope they'd like and enjoy this trip.

>>April 8, 2014 at 7:05:42 PM GMT+8

2014 年 4 月 3 日 星期四 【晴】

how much are you willing to give in? not give up but give in?

>>April 3, 2014 at 5:19:22 PM GMT+8

2014 年 3 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

there have been many updates i wanna write about..
maybe after my 3 days duty from tmr.

sad news, good news, and exciting news..

many stress, lack of energy all the time.. high maintenance, never been like that in my life before.
wanna stay positive, wanna improve myself, wanna stay happy, get myself moving.

Go go go, Mei Kwan.. you can do it.

>>March 23, 2014 at 6:34:09 PM GMT+8

2014 年 3 月 5 日 星期三 【晴】

will we see each others this month?
of course id want him to become full time there, I'm sure that's what he needs and wants.
I'd be great for him. but then maybe we cannot meet as often.

>>March 6, 2014 at 12:45:19 PM GMT+8

2014 年 3 月 3 日 星期一 【晴】

every duty, i would meet some rude pax. i flew to Manila today...
some guys from there were just pure assholes. i sort of understand different cultures nurture
different types of human beings. but somehow it's just difficult to love my passengers when
they are being assholes to me or my co-workers. they don't know what respect means.
they don't respect women in general, especially us. screw them.

i didn't want to work today, but i did. i m happy that i went to work.. coz i had nice crews today.
and it was a joining duty, so didn't meet to go back to the office for briefing. i like joining.
don't fucking waste time going back to the office for briefing. and for the briefing, it means
nothing. talking about loading, asking about airport name, emergency quiz, service reminders,
it's fucking bullshit. for the emergency quiz, i understand its necessary. for the rest, we could
actually do it on board right before the ground prep. coz anyway, we would need to wait for
the final pax loading info. and for the service reminders, fucking follow the company guild line
as usual. why do we have to pretend that we need that briefing so much? sharing latest
notice, or the news letter. sharing? u point someone to read it out loud during briefing? its not
sharing. it's just reading. its not useful. people would read it if they need to, we are all adult.
we don't need to "share" in the briefing. give us more time for the ground prep in stead of
wasting time on these bullshit. we need actual time for the ground prep before pax boarding.
management is stupid because they don't know what we need, and even they know they
don't improve it. the system at work is pretty old fashion and slow. they complicate things
and slow down our efficiency. they think this way they could cut down on budget.. but actually,
increasing workload by ridiculously stupid way is the main reason why we complain so much.
and it's actually such a huge mistake for human resources. they don't understand these.
all they can think of is.... increasing work load, less man power, and cutting off resources,
less rest hours, less allowances, fucking dumb.

and actually, my personal life... I'm running out of patient with him already..
i really don't know what's going on with him there.

>>March 4, 2014 at 6:41:46 PM GMT+8

2014 年 3 月 2 日 星期日 【晴】

exhausted.. but i m proud of myself doing my best...

sometimes i really don't understand what he's thinking. well, at least i tried to understand.
he either doesn't know how i feel or not to care how i feel.
i told him i miss him, and he replied a day later and asked me really?
i replied him but then he didn't reply again. am i a joke to him?
he's not the only one being busy. he doesn't know, right?
i know i might not be special to him anymore, he doesn't need to chase after me then
i m already giving in. if he's taking me for granted, if he just wants to keep me as his
option, i wanna say i'd quit. waiting is not easy. trust doesn't come easily. faith and patient
are rare. love cannot conquer all when either one doesn't appreciate the relationship.
its my fault to be too nice at the beginning, isn't it, and now it's what i deserve.

anyway, i wanna go to bed.

>>March 3, 2014 at 5:43:06 PM GMT+8

2014 年 2 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

every time when I'm leaving, i have some weird feeling.
its like i know i have to go, but i don't want to go. i know i will be back to my normal routine,
i know i would be back to my family and work, and friends. but there's something sour inside
that causes my tears. Its like some part of myself is missing, you know that kind of sad?
I'm trying so hard to live my life in hk but it doesn't help much missing him. i m still missing
him so much. even though it's so stressful i still made myself here. i could have canceled it
but i didn't because i knew i want to see him. i love him. fuck. he is not that sweet, why am
i so in love with him? i hate it when i wanna be strong but in front of him i just couldn't.

i hope the loading would be alright which apparently is the opposite now.

>>February 23, 2014 at 2:12:56 AM GMT+8

2014 年 2 月 21 日 星期五 【晴】

i am gonna miss him again.
yea, i m in japan now. but this time i only got 3 days. its rush and really stressful for me.

i promise myself i need to learn appreciating myself and take good care of myself, just wanna
keep my sanity. i helped a granny while she fell on the stress bleeding in her head. the next
day i kept up with my job, maintained my professionalism towards the pax n the crews even
though i was pretty exhausted. then the next day i took a sick leave, because i simply couldn't
do it anymore. 6 days of duty in a row is impossible. i couldn't imagine if i went to work, then
i wouldn't be able to make my trip this time. coz i was gonna get sick. and because of that
sick leave, i could take some necessary rest and got honey a large bottle of nuts.

i m here... i felt bad yesterday because i was arriving at the wrong time i guess. and the problem
is that i think he should have prepared my arrival and his classes since he knew it would be
a very bad timing for me to be here.. then at the end, i offered myself hanging out alone till his
classes finished. i bet he had the same idea before i brought it up. he didn't say it but agreed
very smoothly and didn't feel sorry. that's what upset me. why putting the blame on me while
it wasn't my fault? i kept telling myself, well at least i had a few hrs alone shopping at the Lake Town.
i used to love Lake Town in spite of its a really huge mall and relaxing place to kill time, it's coz
of us. i love us. but the last time i visited and this time we didn't get the chance to be there
together. i miss us hanging out together. because that's the time he would open up to me,
updating me.

and i kindda guess that he'd like to stay here for another 5 years. hummm... few days ago,
i told him about what i think about getting to 30 years old. i said, start to feel getting old,
might not have huge changes but must be more mature and start to prepare for future.
i mean it.. but from now not waiting till 30. my clock is ticking already actually. its hard to
explain my feeling especially regarding this, because its not up to me myself. life would go
on if i settle down or not. i just think its time for me to think and prepare myself to... you know..
its hard to explain anyway.

i m going home tomorrow.. i m really worried about the loading.
and if you know how i feel, you can understand why I'm so stressed and why i m upset.
because i m making the effort commingling here, planning my schedule and everything,
checking the loading and being stressed worrying. and i come here wanna see him and
spend time with him, but then we don't really spend time together, we couldn't the last time
and this time. i don't know how to explain my feeling. i m too tensed.

i love him.

>>February 22, 2014 at 12:43:50 PM GMT+8

2014 年 2 月 16 日 星期日 【晴】

i haven't been writing for quite awhile..
hummm... i started exercise, wanna exercise more regularly. have been reading more too..
i went to baking class, and i wanna learn baking and i love baking.
I'm more confident as in..... i m more content with myself, but there are more i d like to do..
and i would allow myself to... and i wanna take better care of myself, not just running around
the man i love, or not just going to work then coming home sadly. if it's the job i wanna do for
long and i still like it, then i should work happily and maintain good attitude towards it.
coz until i go back to school or find some other new direction or jump into another company,
i'd stick with my job at this company. so.. yea...

it sounds silly, but i'd like to learn appreciating myself for at least one thing everyday, or at least
do one thing to please myself. this way, i won't forget i'm living instead of just passing through
the days.

be right back..

>>February 17, 2014 at 6:14:16 AM GMT+8