2013 年 10 月 1 日 星期二 【晴】

few days ago, i wrote this on my Facebook..

"Maybe someone is slower than the others, and if you quit, then you would remain there.
But if you realize your problem and move on, you might chase time back and improve at
the next episode. Life is short but long enough to make all impossible into possible. If being
slow at the beginning allows me to see more then become a better person and live a fuller life,
why not? You never know who you could become and when it will happen, yea?
Please be patient and keep going."

i ask myself.. for those i know who have been married already, they usually had one common
specific reason, being pregnant. and some are married coz they have been together for long
enough to finally get married.. i dont know if i should rush myself, but i start to feel like my
clock is ticking... like reminding myself it's been 7 years already, and we both know that
there are problems and we are bored with each others as well. for me, if i m being negative,
i'd say he can still enjoy being single without worries. but as a girl, there's a problem.
the thing is, he's not here, i'm not there... i m not so sure what our relationship is heading to.
im scared.

as that Mr. H approaching me... i realise how bored i am and how lonely i am...
but i didnt take advantage of him.. i told him i have a boyfriend. and i m not looking for romance.
i asked him directly if he liked me. he admitted that already. i told him again although i couldnt
stop him, i have a boyfriend that's the fact. he kept saying he wants a serious relationship.
i told him if he likes me then it's not good for him.

i had a very tough flight another day... freaking crazy... i emailed honey.. sigh..

i think... i should be patient.. but sometimes i m very impatient.. is it normal?



>>October 1, 2013 at 6:07:57 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】

thanks honey for his reply..

do you think we would meet this month?
love is like something you cant explain but experience, and you would never be able to forget.
the feelings, the stuffs in your head, the action, all these you can and cannot control.
life long, with all the changes, all the heart breaking moments, all the laughters,
all the disappointments but surprisingly you would still want that person in your life at this
moment and in the future. you want to say goodbye but you also dont want to say goodbye.
after saying bye you want to see him again the next moment, or at least soon enough so
that you wont miss him too much. after madness, there's peace, and you want him back.
after peace, you want excitement, and you create surprises. you get mad again, and you
forgive again, and you love everything he does.

i need to fly again... be right back..










>>September 29, 2013 at 4:38:16 AM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

i miss him lots.. i m not used to not seeing him.



>>September 26, 2013 at 4:36:22 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 24 日 星期二 【晴】

my AL is so.... boring. well, i met with many friends, lots of gathering, and spending time with
my family. it's not bad.. but cant see him. i dont know if it's a good thing or not.
he's busy.. and when he's busy he doesnt want to see me or actually maybe anyone..
i dont know. he's not replying. sometimes i wonder if he really misses me or wants to be with
me. come on, i m a girl.

i finally met with Mr. H. nothing really special. went to a movie called "We're the Millers"
a comedy, quite funny. hummm we had coffee, movie, then walked around and had dinner.
i was kind of nervous coz i havent met with guy for a long time except honey.
hummm he didnt do anything to me, and i told hime before i have a boyfriend and i m not
looking for any romance. it's quite obvious that he gets that. but as honey said, i m an easy
target, right? so i better be careful. he didnt walk me home, i wont let him even if he asked.
but he did ask me out again. i guess he must be too bored.

anyway, i dont want to end my relationship for anyone. i mean it. i love my guy, i chose him.
i have to learn to trust even if there're doubts. the weakest love is when there're doubts more
than trust. but for me, i want to be the opposite. i love him, i chose him, and i trust him.
if he betrayed me, i'd be sad and i'd have nothing to blame but myself... but at least i'm not
betraying myself, my feelings and my love to him. i dont even know if he's still with me or not..
but i'd wait and see.













>>September 25, 2013 at 5:14:57 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 20 日 星期五 【晴】

i couldnt sleep last night..

am i jealous? maybe. but i dont want it to eat me up or eat up our relationship.



>>September 21, 2013 at 2:16:25 AM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 19 日 星期四 【晴】

i have been sick for a whole month... how i know? coz it's since before my last time visiting
honey. i wasnt well before my visit, then i become sicker, and i went to the doctor, then i was
less sick for a few days.. then i got stomach problem, and now my cold is back.

anyway... i miss him.... but i just realized that we would not meet in Dec and Jan...
which also means i m not gonna see him in HK as well. he wont be here.
i know he has stuffs to do and he'd need to get things done there. he really needs it.
so...... we would meet less. i have my roster for Oct today.. i will be off for 4 days at the end
of Oct. hopefully 5 or 6 days if luck about the Nov roster. but i m not sure if we could meet.
i m really not sure. if he's busy, then we cant meet. but if i m busy, i will meet him.
i will let him stay with me. he could do whatever he wants, i would be busy with my stuffs,
but i would still meet him and squeeze time for him, coz he's important to me. i would love to
see him. but of course everyone has different judgement and preference. and i just gotta
respect that. and the longer that we are together, the more that i think i dont want to argue
with him.. maybe i m tired of telling him how i feel, coz they wont be heard. even if they are
heard, that's not gonna affect him.

let's talk about what happened yesterday or my work..

i had my annual check flight, the KTM flight. my purser was quite standard, very senior.
but i passed, and the report was quite nice. but the flight was quite a bit of messed up..
coz of the pax were being.......... like..... i dont know how to explain it. i told honey about that.
anyway....... sigh. some ppl should be educated before they got on board.

yesterday we were talking about the ticket and the trip he needed..
and we talked about my dad. i m very scared not coz of the fact happened, but the aftermath.
they are both the most important men in my world. what do you want me to do?
you are not very happy about that, neither do i. you shouldnt be involved, neither do i.
i dont have a choice, neither do you. why are you involved? was there anything can't be put
on the table? you and i are clean. things going on between us is pure. do i wanna share
with the world what happened between us? no. i prefer keep them private. what can i do?
i m scared and worried for long, please try to understand me. i d never wanted to drag you in.
i would rather take all responsibility or all the shit on my own, do you understand?

for stuffs about us going on that i hate, i cried, i hate myself, i walked out and swallowed them.
but at the end of the day i came back. i m so tired but i kept going. and when i need someone
to stand by me, would that be you?

it's Sat again. when will we meet again? when will you two meet again, and do things that i'd
love to do with you? you know why i m so upset.. coz... for things that i've been trying,
it'd never happened, but you just give away to the others so easily.

i'd need a break on my own. he doesnt need me so much, he doesnt want me so much.
relationship could be like that... he doesnt really care what i want or need, doesnt really
appreciate what i've been trying to show him. is that the sign telling me that i should stop?
im just a girl, i cant keep a relationship going by myself. pleasing him, baby him, maintaining
it on my own.. i cant. i need someone do the same for me.






>>September 20, 2013 at 5:43:02 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 15 日 星期日 【晴】

it's been 16 days already. it feels like it's been a very long time..
but im sure he's not alone, he shouldn't be lonely.
i hope japan is alright. i dont want any possible danger for him...

maybe i should be happy, coz at least he has company or companies who could take
care of him or be there for him.

anyway.. today the flight was okay.. not too bad.. and some of my classmates had their
check flight already. i think soon would be my turn...... scary... coz i have long sector
for the coming days... so anytime could be mine. i have DAC + KTM tmr for 3 days...
then CXS the worst after that 3 days pattern. it's gonna be crazy.

Mr H is kindda.... weird. he knows he doesnt have the chance, but he hasnt given up yet.
but i want honey instead. sometimes Mr H reminds me of honey.. reminds me of the time
we first started, how he bullshit me till being honest with me, and how innocent i was not
understanding what he meant but he kept being patient with me.. and kept opening up
for me.. we argued a lot, broke up 3 times in 3 months. we crazily fell in love within a few
days we met. i flew all the way to canada to meet him even though my dad swear to
destroy my passport but he didnt. he drove me to the airport. everything s like happening
yesterday only..

anyway... brb.. i should get some sleep first.. .exhausted and sick..
i got stomachache... been to toilet for 6 times still feeling sick right now.




>>September 16, 2013 at 7:32:39 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 13 日 星期五 【晴】

dad's home :)
but... i'd need to show them something soon... i m worried. but honey said not to worry.

when will i see him again? does he want to see me too? :(
but today is Sat... he shouldnt be alone..

thanks for his reply. i really needed it.. i really need him..

i had dinner with Jacky and Alan. we talked a lot. thanks them a lot.. Jacky is really my best
friend. so great to meet her. Alan was so funny too. long time no see. thanks Jacky.

then i also met with Carole. finally, could pick up the Tylenol for honey. but of course, meeting
her was great, not only for the Tylenol. after we both quit Elchards, then we become friends.
well... she's my mom's age. so... i respect her a lot for raising her kids (same age as me),
working, and following her husband to HK, working and taking care of her family, especially her
sick husband. so... i could totally understand.

today i met with Winsome the heart breaking girl. i just try to keep myself occupied with
friends and family.

i miss him lots...

that guy mr. H is very nice to me.. i have told him that i have a bf and not looking for romance.
but he's still very nice to me. i wish honey could show more to me, just once in awhile at least.
it seems like we have lost the fun and sweetness from before. but if i have to ask, then it wont
be the same anymore. that wouldnt be him as well. that's his theory. but what about me?
Alan said guys get lazy easily. i know, honey said the same too. Alan asked me to bring
him some surprise or be extra gentle to him, baby him. he'd like it. i told them, i'd love to do
that too. it's not easy for me, but i have tried.. and whenever i wanted and was ready,
i'd see him playing on his phone chatting with other girls or her, or he looked very exhausted.
i dont know what to do. was i jealous? yes and no.. i just stopped.

does he want me to stop or keep trying for him? can he show me his love more obvious please?
like... try to do things that i love? hold me while he watching tv or sleeps? kiss me?
sleep with me? cook for me? any ways, any single way?

i should got to bed...
morning flight tmr..



>>September 14, 2013 at 4:46:17 PM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 10 日 星期二 【晴】

after hours of crying... i felt slightly better.. i really need to cry to let my emotion out.
i m home alone.. i wonder i should go out with my parents n Doris for lunch..
but i wanna stay home coz i wanna take a nap before duty tonight.
but i couldnt sleep.

i m really frustrated coz i m really tired. very very tired.
i m worried about dad. i seriously do. beside my relationship stuffs, i m worried about my dad.
my dad and stephen are the most important men in my life. i feel like i'm losing them or any
one of them at the same time. i m terrified. insecure. insecure bitch is the most unattractive one,
right? i dont know.. i'm just a human being.

thinking of dad, thinking of my past, everything since i was born, he's been the greatest guy
in my world. loving me, teaching me, protecting me, everything that he has been doing for
me and my family were great. sometimes we would have disagreement, sometimes i let him
down, sometimes, more times after i m grown, anyway i love my dad so much and he's been
doing his best, doing great to take care of all of us. we are not great but we are fine. i love my
family. it's been tough on dad but he manages well. i dont wanna lose my dad and i m terrifying.

i email honey, he hasnt replied yet. maybe he cant reply or too busy, or doesnt want to reply.
hopefully he would reply me. i need him.

a good friend of mine, Winsome... her bf broke up with her few days ago. beside Doris Koo,
Winsome became single as well... Doris she's in love with another guy now after 1 or 2 months.
these days, relationship is so fragile. even for honey and me, we've been together for 7 years
already, i notice that he's bored with me. boredom kills. but love and trust would be remained?
you cant control one and others, but if you love him or her, will you just set him or her free,
let him go, then wait and see? i cant stop him doing anything, even though it hurts me so bad.
but seeing him coming back to me is the greatest relief and it makes me understand he does
love me and chose me. ''butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away.. leaving me to carry
on and wonder why..''

i really hope my dad would be fine. i rather take the blame and pain for him.


i should get some rest first..
today is 9/11, a very sad day in US.. compared with them, mine is so small actually.






>>September 11, 2013 at 8:56:15 AM GMT+8

2013 年 9 月 9 日 星期一 【晴】

i reported sick today..

i miss him lots. and i hope he could be with me.
things are happening at home again. i...... hope it'd be alright.

and im planning to visit Miki in Nov. i dont have AL in Oct, see if they'd approve my 3 G-day
request. but yea... i will have 2 weeks off in Nov. im not sure if he'd be free to see me in
Oct. at least now this month he has turned me down already. i m planning stuffs for my
AL this month. i kindda wanna go for a short trip. but i guess i should save the budget for
Nov. well, if things are happening at home, then probably i wont go anywhere.

i understand he's quite busy, at work or even after work... and his sleeping schedule is
very difficult for him.. so... yea... i understand if he freaks out. and i'm the pain in the ass,
so.. but then... i also feel strange that we couldnt even meet for a few days.
coz i m sure if he wants to see me, he would want me to visit. but obviously not.
for seeing the others, he has plenty of time while i wouldnt be around. i have my limit of
days for stay as well. and what happened to us? why does he need to avoid me visiting?
but he said the new sutton set had the comforter, so i wouldnt feel cold in the winter..
and he said the end of Sep would not be as hot. thinking about what we have talked about
on the last day, i didnt expect not being able to meet this month, or maybe even next month
or i dont know. he knew i was going back to him this month, he was okay.. but all of the sudden,
i couldn't. i do feel sad to be honest.

does he prefer seeing the others instead? am i thinking too much again? i m so tired of
questioning myself what the fuck is going on between us. again, i love him and i m loyal
to him. but if he wants the others then just take them and let me go. if he prefers me as
a slut playing around with the other guys or even him, then i'll do it or leave him, it'd be my choice.
let's be fair and honest, because i m very tired of waiting and being neglected when he doesnt
even notice or understand. i m learning to accept and deal with different things. it's quite
difficult for me, but i m willing to step forward for him. does he know how much it takes for
me to do that?

am i not knowing how much he has been doing for me? am i missing something?
i dont want to think more right now. i m tired.


and for what i know today from mom... i m scared. it's very scary how ppl or the situation
can change all of the sudden. u never know what d happen.


i'd need to get back to work tmr... sigh... but yea.... going back to work tmr..
reporting late night, red eye flight, PUS turnaround.


i hope someone can be with me while i need someone, just like this song.



>>September 10, 2013 at 6:16:57 PM GMT+8