2014 年 8 月 10 日 星期日 【晴】

i m leaving home in an hour or so.. i m going tokyo to see him.
i feel a little nervous.. and i wonder a lot of questions.

i met with Maimi, Nana, and Yuka for lunch yesterday. they were the friendliest jp crews
i met before. one just got married, another one is getting married soon. i just got invited
by Sugar for her wedding as well in Sep. and some of my friends are having their 2nd
baby. i feel scared. and my parents have been giving me pressure, i do feel stressed.

anyway, see ya in tokyo.

>>August 10, 2014 at 8:17:19 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 29 日 星期二 【晴】

i am very very tired... its like........... i got into some complain because that pax didnt want
to follow the guild line.. he fellow but then he made a huge complain, kept scolding the cp.
for me it's fucking crazy. and i was really stressed but just suppressed it. i had no choice.
i think i was right. and i tried to explain. i didnt say much to the pax except apologies when
he first started to complain to me. then i walked away and ... i reported it to the back galley purser.
then... anyway.. the cp is a super famous one. so.... i just felt pretty bad, as in i just gotta
stand up for myself, you know i was pretty scared but i knew i was right, and i didnt want to
put up with any bullshit from that asshole. its like if i back off, then i would regret. so, i told
the cp everything i could. and at first cp was pretty harsh on me. then later she changed completely.
and now she cried and thanked me personally, i just felt so weird and a little bit uncomfortable.
that asshole got what he wanted, and i don't know.. sometimes i kindda find my job really
difficult. my control of my emotions is just..... i don't know how to say it... my emotions
go up and down, and its just really demanding to myself. i know its the same for everyone.
but I'm not a robot. i do have feelings. I'm just trying not to take things personal.
i have learned different skills to de-escalate pax, solving problems or situations, sometimes
its just hard. i worry one day i might break down. but if i m aware of it, then i probably won't yea?
i think i have grown up a lot... at least i m more confident at what i m doing.. if its right, its right,
i gotta stand for myself even in front of the cp face in face. i need to speak for myself, of course
very assertive, just being assertive with good manner. i think i grow up a lot.

i met with Leo... he got some sickness. i feel bad for him. he's a good friend, like a brother.
honey said its up to me, he didnt mind if i wanna meet with Leo. well, of course there's nothing
between us, we are just friends. but i remember he said that guys and girls can't be friends.
or he just doesn't care about me anymore? sometimes i really don't understand guys.
does he really trust and respect me so much so that he doesn't worry? if so, maybe i should
be happy about it. but he didnt explain why he said so. so..... i don't know. maybe i m very
stupid actually.

anyway... tmr.... i really cannot cannot put up with more. i really just simply take a day off.
but i wonder what i should do.. i still couldn't make the arrangement with cx. i called again
today.. but... no... their date hasn't been set till the week i want yet.

i wanna see him soon. its just difficult for me here. i don't know how long i can hang on for..

>>July 30, 2014 at 3:36:47 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 27 日 星期日 【晴】

hope my shanghai overnight tmr would be okay.
it got canceled today, became turnaround. sooooo tired..

i need to rest..

by the way, I'm looking forward to seeing him in Aug..
Mei Kwan, hang in there..

hopefully, still have time to meet with Leo for early dinner or something. i m not sure if i'd have
energy to do anything tmr actually. i probably won't even want the dinner.. i don't know..
i hate the traffic there, i hate the ppl being rude too. i don't know.. i might just wanna chill out
and rest and relax in my room. I'm not sure..

mom asked about marriage stuffs again. i m very stressed about that now.

>>July 28, 2014 at 2:35:37 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 26 日 星期六 【晴】

I'm so freaking tired..
hang out with my family today.. and met with friends and aunt another days.
lately, i have been very very tired... and my stress level is pretty high too.

by the way, i m going Shanghai tmr... it's been long delays, like 5 or 6 hrs delay for all
Shanghai flights. omg, i m exhausted already. but tmr is the overnight 3 days pattern.
i wonder if we could finish it.

you know... more plane crashes happened lately. i m scared actually. but i don't know
how to explain that kind of feelings. and the pax are crazily demanding. I'm so exhausted.
and you know some crews are just crappy, they don't like you for no reasons, they just
don't like you. they just randomly pick someone each flights. they are just crap.
and i think the longer i stick around, the more i could recognise ppl there.

i told Leo about going Shanghai. we probably go for dinner together since we haven't met
since i left ifc? he left to Shanghai before me leaving. he was always like my brother in ifc.
i have never really met him every time i was at Shanghai. i totally forgot and didnt feel like
to do anything other than rest and relax on my own. well, maybe i should catch up with my
old friends since I'm pretty lonely and wanna stay out of my work mate zone.

then yea, my parents asked about marriage and stuffs going on between me and stephen
again. its really annoying me, because i have nothing to tell. its not up to me.
and i kind of getting sick of the questions and stress. i m really getting sick and tired.
because i do have the same questions in my head over time, and i don't need other people
to ask me the same questions again and again, and not just questions but doubts from
them. i don't need those. i m not escaping, i just don't need other people to judge on my
relationship. that doesn't mean i m not in a hurry. its just that it's not up to me.
for me, it's either stay or leaving. and i haven't made up my mind yet. stop pushing.

>>July 27, 2014 at 5:07:19 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 22 日 星期二 【晴】

exhausted... all full loaded these 3 days, just crazy flights as in.... all the pax were so fucking
demanding, in a sense that they don't understand they are on a plane not in their own palace.
for me, bad attitude is not allowed, but holly shit 85% of them, all of the HK Chinese think
they are kings and queens. and the rest of the mainland Chinese are a bunch of unruly ones,
its just a disaster. you know, i was so stressed out after flights in Taiwan and Beijing.
i treated myself a drink both night at the bar in the hotel. i went in the last min for both nights.
obviously i wasn't there to meet any guys, i just wanted to grab a drink, chill out, unwind myself
before going to bed. and i had two new joiners for the beijing flights. i don't mind if you are new,
but at least take initiative to do things, not to take advantages. she probably didnt know and i
was very tired already that i couldn't explain to her at all. she seems nice but she didnt know
she could get a lot of hard time in future if she doesn't change her habit and attitude.

in the bar, some guys talked to me. we had some conversation. it was okay... i don't think
there would be anything, at least not from my side. if he likes me he likes me. i m just me.
he knows i have a bf. anyway, his daughter is like 1 year younger than me. he's married
twice. i like the conversation with him, only. friend is ok, nothing more. he seems to be a very
very very nice man, but not in my generation at all. he's the kind of man from a novel.
very very very romantic type. i told honey about that, he didnt seem to worry though.
he didnt say he's not happy or anything.

and i firstly tried ordering pizza for him. haha it was interesting. I'm glad that he likes it.

anyway... i think i should go to bed first.

>>July 23, 2014 at 6:56:43 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 19 日 星期六 【晴】

i'm very upset today. stress, busy, tired, and.... upset.
i feel depressed.

anyway, Mike left today. we didn't meet at the end. it's fine.
the thing is we could have met at the airport today, but we didnt. its fine.

work wasn't so fun today. i met with some nice girls i flew with before.. but then....
beside that... my galley had me, another girl and the guy purser. i think that girl is very
very very pretty, and she has been very popular at work, because she looks like
a chinese female star. she is the type that you would think she's a celebrity or rich
girl rather than a flight attendant. she has that kind of confidence and attitude.
that doesn't make her less friendly. she was quite friendly to me. i think she has her
charm that makes her very attractive, and she has her way to work with guys.
she's korean. i don't doubt how attractive she is in guys eyes. and i think my purser
today was being an asshole. there were times that i wish i wasn't in the galley.
its not like i didnt want to join their conversation, or i tried staying in their conversation,
its simply like they were just simply flirting with each others. while i was there,
once in a while either one of them would try to act less flirty, but for me i just felt uncomfortable
to be there. i think its normal for them, but not me. if there was someone else, i could
easily turn to that person, but there were only 3 of us. so whenever there was a chance
that i saw someone else, i talked to that person. or i kept myself busy, and it's true that
while they were flirting, i was the only one paying full attention to the cabin or galley or pax.
i felt extra extra tired today. its like whenever there's a super pretty girl on the flight that day,
then people would just be super nice or super bitchy to that girl. its just a nightmare.
i rather work with normal people, you know just be professional. that's it. i don't care if you
fuck her fuck him fuck the cockpit after work. go your fucking way, go fuck around.
but while uniform on, stop flirting. flirting could be fine, but don't keep fucking doing that
when there are only 3 people. give me a break. am i jealous? not really. i don't like him,
so i don't think i m jealous. i m just tired, i just don't like people act weird whenever there's
someone pretty. I'm not jealous of her, because i don't like to be like her. i don't particularly
like that kind of personality or character. i don't wear attitude towards my colleagues.
i prefer being myself, even though i m pretty ordinary. i don't show or open up easily in front
of my colleagues. but if i know you, and you know me, then i could be your best friend.
I'm still looking forward to seeing them again. but then i won't change my mind. i would still
be as hard working, as positive. just doing my job.

i haven't heard of him yet. i don't know... he probably doesn't feel anything about me being
upset about him. i don't really want to talk to him before he talks to me again..
i have my Aug roster today. i need to see which day he'd be free, if he still wants to see me.
but then i need to call CX to see which day they would like to see me for my final interview.
so..... i asked myself if i should ask him first, let him choose first or what.
if i wasn't upset towards his bad attitude, i probably have asked him today. but i really don't
feel like talking to him. so.... yea... anyway, maybe i should be responsible for my career
first before him. these days.... i don't know.... i guess the more that i hold on, the more that
he let go. i m so tired. i'm pretty lonely, i always feel like i'm alone.

i don't wanna keep chasing.




You don't like it in the shadows
but you won't let me shine a light
I would wash away your troubles
But it seems
The more that I hold on
The more that you let go
And I know, you better let somebody love you
or find yourself, on your own

Tell me why all the best laid plans
fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end,
the way I meant

If we don't talk about the future
Then should I just, follow you into the dark
Yeah, and does your silence keep you cold
While the cracks form on my heart

Tell me why all the best laid plans
fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end,
the way I meant

It seems to me some fine friends have watched you turn your back
It seems you only want the things that you can't have.

Tell me why all the best laid plans
fall apart in your hands
And my good intentions never end,
the way I meant

>>July 20, 2014 at 6:58:31 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 18 日 星期五 【晴】

okay, if you say so.

i don't have much to say, and so i didn't say anything. Just feel like got some cold shoulder.
i feel irritated by my parents because i need space and time on my own, because we live
together but i do need time and space alone somehow. however, in what way that i have
bothered him so much that i deserved such cold shoulder? we don't really see each others,
we don't even talk so much, we don't really ''get in touch'' like other couples do. and something
huge just happened in my industry, and i shared the news with him, and what made him so
annoyed by me? you know how does it feel? it feels like death is very close to me and the
people i know in the sky. it feels even more stressful to go to work, even more stressful to
deal with weird pax. it feels sad and scary. it feels terrible. it feels this world is going crazy,
and airlines become a tool for murder and attack. and i m working there. it feels crazy.
and you don't show your pax or colleagues, because of its professionalism. you only put
on a smily face even when you talk about scary crazy shit or tragedy like like that.
and the thing is you could totally imagine yourself in that kind of scene. and can totally imagine
what could happen and hows everyone else in that moment.

maybe i should stop sharing with him isn't it? too busy to deal with things like this.. right.
there are many things happening with me everyday that i didnt tell him. simply because
i find him so far away or things that aren't really related to him at all. or i just don't feel like
he cares. and base on what that causing these feelings, its all based on the matter of fact
how he responded or how long did those take him to respond. i just don't think he cared.
and since he doesn't care, i don't want to be a fool keep pushing myself to him you know?
if you don't want me, fine. I'm out. i stay out of your way, then you could have more time to
pursue what deserves your time.

i can't say i don't miss him. i do miss him, but i m upset that's also true.

>>July 19, 2014 at 6:51:02 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 10 日 星期四 【晴】

i passed the first interview, second interview, and also took the English test today.
i was quite nervous actually, but i kept reminding myself to smile, and i kept telling myself
to take a deep breath, trust it, and let it go. it does help me a lot whenever i m overwhelmed.
I'm thankful to God, thanks God for listening to my prayer. and i typed something on my
Facebook. i think i have changed most of my posts in private, because i worry about the
reference check might happen anytime now and they could easily search my name on Facebook.
so, i wanna avoid that.

anyway.. i asked honey to wish me good luck today. he said of course =) then how come
he didn't tell me before i asked? anyway, i felt warm.

i have to reschedule the final interview to Aug. because my day off doesn't match their
interview days.... i think its good and bad.. good thing is that i could have more time to
prepare more, and the bad is i don't wanna keep it dragging you know... the longer i need
to wait, the more chances for the others to get in or get ahead of me. so.. yea...
and i don't feel safe as in i don't have a valid date for my final interview. you know how it feels?

talking about working there is my dream, besides that.... there is one concern, its about the
salary. i would get paid less, much less. i need to figure out how to make more money.
and you know... i want honey and my family getting more benefit as well.
the interviewer reminded us (i think reminded me) that don't tell them about working there is
our dream, we should really give reasons to convince them why we could become a part
of them. which means.... selling myself to them. i need to think really clearly about that.

there's been a guy trying to ask me out.... he's my secondary schoolmate's friend.
i think he's not looking for anything, just want to hangout. he has cancer i think.
i wanted to tell honey too... and my mom has been asking about honey and hurrying us to
get married. i wanna get married too. but it's not up to me..........

>>July 11, 2014 at 5:37:28 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

i told myself that this time i m doing it for myself. i gotta do it.
because i should stand up for myself, its what i want, i should go for it.
Mei Kwan, you can't back down. you have to do it, and you can do it.
if you believe you can, you can do it.

lately, we have talked about the baby. i don't know if he's that serious or just joking.
at that time, i was taking it as an adventure. but deep down i know, i do wanna be a mom,
but only if i m married and my kid must have a real father. if i get pregnant without married,
i might still keep the baby, but that would be under only one circumstance, which touch wood
i was single when i got pregnant, which i didn't see it coming anyway.
I'm not fucking around. i did think about to adopt a kid when i get older and only if i would be
single by that time. if i can afford having one, i would give birth to one. because i feel
responsible to have my next generation, and i feel like to have my own kid.
i do wanna get married. and if i have kids, i would protect them and provide them the best
of mine. i would educate them and protect them, i don't wanna let anyone to harm them or
give them wrong ideas of immoral stuffs. they could choose their own ways and explore the
world after they become adult. but before that, i need to make sure they grow up with a full
brain and a kind heart. that's what a mom should do.

anyway, tomorrow, don't worry too much Mei Kwan. it's just the first round..
if lucky, second round and an english test. i know it could be harsh. but don't worry...
you can do it. they wanna see how you interact with others under high pressure. they wanna
see how you handle yourself your manner and the others. i might be scared because you
never know your competitors... and i already know one girl from KA is going tmr, same time
slot as mine. so...... yea................... please be confident and generous. smile, remember,
take a deep breath, take it slowly, speak slowly, think through and stay calm. you can do it.
take a deep breath, trust yourself, and let it go.

enjoy the group activities, you have done the CRM a week ago. its just a bunch of
group interactions. be yourself, stay calm, be positive, stay calm, smile, stay cheerful.
remember, take a deep breath, trust yourself, and let it go, let it go, let it go..

>>July 10, 2014 at 3:12:16 PM GMT+8

2014 年 7 月 4 日 星期五 【晴】

i told him that i wasn't happy because i thought we could spend time together, i was hoping
to see him and waiting for Aug. he didn't reply.

some friends replied me on Facebook.. i m considering but its not really what i wanna do.
i m not sure yet.. i m not sure.

i wanna take a nap first... i m not in good mood, but i m okay.. i went out for lunch with my
parents, and visited my grand parents. then i saw my aunt. shared some food with her..

i miss him but i don't know what i can do. sometimes i m tired of saying i don't know to myself.

>>July 5, 2014 at 11:17:06 AM GMT+8