2014 年 9 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

its amazing thats its been 8 years for us. and i'm still in love with him.
i hope we could stay together and live together soon. it would be challenging, but i still would
love to do that with him.

>>September 2, 2014 at 11:16:48 PM GMT+8

2014 年 9 月 1 日 星期一 【晴】

our dearest anniversary Sep is here now. i asked honey if he has opened that little package yet.
he said he opened long time ago. he liked it. i miss him so much actually. i don't know what to do.
i hope i don't need to wait too long from now.. i do wonder.. what if i become a mom and stuffs.
i couldn't stop those thinking come into my mind, you know? it starts to be more frequent these days.
sometimes i'm just really lonely as well. but i don't think i want someone else.. i'm lonely, but..
its different. i want him, not others. i don't want to find someone just to fit in that role. if i did find
someone random, its meaningless, it wouldn't be a real relationship, i couldn't be serious about that guy.

I'm feeling unwell.. i should get some sleep first..
i have been really really exhausted since the Kathmandu flight... and i got sick finally.
and i got the called out layover at Penang Malaysia... so tired. i bought a small bag,
pretty cheap there.. and tmr is standby again.. I'm so exhausted. i need to relax a bit.

i got my appraisal done. it was good... everything was fine. my score was good comparing
with the others. i m not the top Ten, but in my rank comparing with my classmates,
i'm ahead of them. i would keep improving myself though, i think i can do even better.

>>September 2, 2014 at 3:10:28 PM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】

i have been really exhausted the past few days since getting back to work.
it was such crazy days that i have been working 12 hrs plus each days excluding transit,
eat, sleep, and personal time. it was fucking crazy, long delay, weird pax, sad mood, everything.
i almost fainted on the stairs. i was just too exhausted. i was supposed to be off duty at 6 am
this morning.. but my flight got problems and problems, and we were released at 2 am..
then they fucking give me a standby duty from 3 to 10pm. i couldn't do more.. i reported sick.
cool, then at least i could spend some time with my sis Doris.
but i was happy to have great crews, except the first day. the first day i got hard time
by some other crews... well.... i tried to be nice to stay positive, i was being nice to them...
however they were not, what could i do? swallow it. hope cathay would call me soon.
I'm a little worried.

i m going to chill out with friends tmr.. then the day after, i would have 5 days duty at KTM.
charity duty there. cool... hope it'd be ok.

is he doing alright? his presentation would be on tmr? well... i miss him, but he doesn't seem
to miss me though. stupid me. crying on my own, what does that mean? means stupidity, yea?
i hate this feelings. but i do hope he's fine.

>>August 22, 2014 at 4:34:53 PM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 17 日 星期日 【晴】

i finished the final in today.. i hope it's alright.
i had the english passage reading, and comic description, and mandarin test, which all three
of them i have never taken before. and today during my section, only 2 including myself out of
8 or 10 got the mandarin test. so... hopefully this time i have a bigger chance to get in.
i m still worried, but at least have done all i could already. i think my final in performance
wasn't very good because i was nervous, however, i still deliver the points i have to say,
even though not all, still pretty much.. so... yea.... i hope i could get in.

i also hope honey is doing fine, and his presentation would be successful. I'm thinking of him
a lot actually. i cant deny on that. and i ask myself like.... i know going to cx is very very
important to me, however i couldn't scarify everything for that, at least he is still at higher
priority than cx. hummm i didnt tell him because i don't want him to think that i could give up
everything for a relationship. its not because of a relationship... i think a person is more
important than a job. and especially that's him. anyway.... he cant do the same for me i think.
i do pray to get in this time.. but if i have to choose only 1 thing, i would choose him.

my sister Doris was back yesterday, so we had a family day. and she is leaving for the
exchange program on 28th. i wish to spend more time with her, but i have to go Kathmandu
for 5 days from 24th to 28th. hopefully can say bye to my sis on 28th at the airport.

i m returning to work tmr..

i miss him so much, he's so busy, what should i do? live my life here, yea?
noting much i can do. i wish he can spend more time with me.. :'(


"God, tell us the reason, are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?"







>>August 18, 2014 at 4:45:32 PM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 15 日 星期五 【晴】

I'm not happy, but i guess life must go on.
i miss him a lot, but my life changed since I'm back here. but he doesn't understand.
and its painful for me to leave, because i cant see him, he doesn't talk to me if i don't talk to him.
and the truth is... he just wouldn't squeeze time for me before i go, but he could with her.
i guess he could actually but he just wouldn't. so, pretty obvious that I'm not as important as her.
i treat him as important, but I'm just not as important to him. she is even more important than me.

i need some time to calm down, right? and the most importantly, he needs time right?
he wants freedom right? he gets everything he wants now. so, i should be happy for him..
i hope he is fine. then i'm on my own now.

my sis Doris is coming back tmr.. then on 18th, it'd be my final in. i don't wanna be upset.
i mean that day is extremely important to me, i cant mess it up. i hope that i d be carefree
when i go for the final in.

mei kwan, please stay calm and professional.

>>August 16, 2014 at 4:19:12 PM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 15 日 星期五 【晴】

I'm home.

i have to take good care of myself. no more waiting and waiting.

>>August 16, 2014 at 6:13:07 AM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 14 日 星期四 【晴】

so, I'm leaving again. coming and staying, then leaving.
i gave him out anniversary card and something i made by myself, and also a maple leaf shape
glass. it's not our anniversary till Sep. but i rather give him in person than shipping it.

anyway, I m miss him already. but i can't give myself a date when i could see him again.
and i can't hug him and say goodbye. i can't do much. we kissed before leaving.
are those gonna be enough for me to hold on for another long while after yesterday?
either yes or no, i can't stay. i m going back to hong kong, my home town, somewhere
he has never seen and been to. hopefully he would keep his words, eventually he would visit.

mei kwan, promise yourself, never cry in front of him or any guys. promise yourself that
if you love him and want him, tell him the truth that you do love him and want him.
promise yourself to be a lady, to do what you have to do to stand up for yourself and for him.
words aren't meant to say then keep them. don't say stupid things or do stupid things that
you would regret in future. promise yourself that say what you mean.

see you.

>>August 15, 2014 at 12:21:01 AM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 13 日 星期三 【晴】

why?

once a awhile, i'd get some weird feelings. and most of the time things would happen.
today... i went to some palace in tokyo, also saw the university he used to work at.
it took me so long to get there, and quite difficult to come back. i got lost many times..
well, i don't have internet, there was no starbucks when i was lost. i don't speak their
language, and luckily i could read a few chinese wordings, and i found a traveling
agency who opened by an english speaker. and i went to the wrong station, kept running
around inside and getting no where. wrong platform, waiting for ard 15 to 20 mins there
for no trains, some accident happened, and no train. and i was at the wrong station.
i got fooled by Google a few times today i guess.

when i got back to lake town, somewhere i'm more familiar with...
i got some weird feelings. i was confused. i didnt know if i should stay or leave, i got the weird
feelings that i might be seeing him there.. which it shouldn't happen.. and if it happens, that
wouldn't be a good thing. he is not supposed to be there, especially with her.
i don't know why i have that feelings. i was there many times alone since many months ago,
i didnt really get weird feelings. and.... the thing is.. i didnt get his messages, and i decided to
walk around. i wasn't feeling well, i felt weird and sad. so i had to move around. and i asked
myself.... what if.... just what if..... he appeared... how many fucking times should i be encountering
this kind of awful situation? i had 2 times already in the past. maybe he could ask himself,
how many fucking times he had experienced this kind of things with others. and what would
i do if it does happen. and you know what i told myself this afternoon? what i'v tried so hard
to calm myself with that weird feelings? i told myself to trust him, it's not gonna happen,
because he's at work, he;s busy, he won't have time or energy to hang out with her, and the most,
most, most importantly, he won't lie to me. i found hair in the bed which i m hundred percent
sure not mine. and i picked up hair and sprayed the bed every time before i leave his house.
those several hair in the bed, in the bathroom are lighter colour, longer, thinner. it's not mine.
this time, i don't really clean the bed. and i left her hair on the table for him. i didnt make a big
fuzz, because i trusted him. no matter what he said, the reason is clear, and i chose to trust him.
but today.... when i got his mesgs. i was broken. i knew exactly what i'd do if my weird feeling
was true. and i got his messages. he said he messaged me before going. but he had already
decided to go before knowing he could finish work earlier. that made no difference. a quick coffee,
because haven't met in 6 months. a good friend? a long lost friend? i haven't met him since
April, and i was at his house for 2 nights that we never even took a walk together. we spent time
at night at bed time. i didnt dare i was shy to do many things in his house when Ayako was around
in the morning and at night. they have their cycle and style, fine. then he's busy with his work which
i understand. so i went out by myself, i stayed home as long as possible, i got myself busy.
i come all the way here for seeing him, wanna give him a nice massage, wanna eat pizza with him,
wanna hang out with him, not because of the shopping, no because of the food. and even i need
to stay at the hotel for another 2 nights i wouldn't mind. what, am i gonna tell my family i 'm only
going for 3 days out of my 11 days off, because he's not willing to let me stay, he's not willing to
see me after work? then, am i supposed to tell my family i'm staying at a hotel?

so, i shouldn't go over to say bye before i go. shouldn't dropping off some cake at his door,
i shouldn't be around him after he finished work, because he's so stressed, so busy, so tired,
couldn't meet up, didnt have time. but he had time to meet her.

you know how it feels? it hurts. he asked me to fucking relax. if you are the one who kept
visiting, that person not knowing your life over your hometown since 8 years ago, and you
are doing so much to protect that person and keep waiting for one day he'd understand,
but he just doesn't. and when it comes to priority, you can't be that important as he's showing you.
and once in awhile you bump into something really tear you apart, and you got the feelings
shit happens. you know how scary is it? yea, you can fucking relax if you could.

when will i be able to see him again? he said soon enough.. but i'm guessing maybe longer than
6 months later. would i get the chance to have a quick coffee with him the day before i go?
maybe the best is not to expect any single thing. because good things aren't gonna happen anyway,
isn't it?


"God, tell us the reason, are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?"



>>August 14, 2014 at 4:36:53 PM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 12 日 星期二 【晴】

stay strong, Mei kwan..
you know he loves you too.

>>August 13, 2014 at 1:25:43 PM GMT+8

2014 年 8 月 12 日 星期二 【晴】

would our relationship last? last night i asked myself, when would i be able to see this
man again? when can we go out together just like other couples do? every time i'd cry
when i leave, it's so painful, why am i coming back? why are you coming back, mei kwan?

i need someone to be next to me sometimes, someone who could listen to me, would
try to understand me, someone who wouldn't put himself before me every time.
someone who wouldn't mind to show me he cares. so that i can tell myself this man
worths me, worths my life, worths me blocking anyone else going into my mind,
worths me taking up stress. I'm holding on but its getting more and more difficult.
staying hopeful is not easy.

i finally could go for the final interview at cx. finally made the arrangement.
I'm going on 18th, its gonna be extremely important to me. i gotta start preparing again.

one of the saddest things in the world is that you know the distance is far, you want to reach
out and you find its even further than you think. you need so much efforts to reach out
but you are lack of energy to carry on.

brb.

>>August 13, 2014 at 4:17:47 AM GMT+8