2014 年 12 月 25 日 星期四 【晴】

too exhausted... just too exhausted..

Happy Birthday to Jesus. Honey said happy Jewish's fake birthday.
hummmmmmmm for me, its happy birthday to Jesus.
anyway, i m glad that he got the card and likes it.. i hope he read every words carefully heehee.

we had a christmas party on 24th at Iris's home.. hummmmm it was okay, but... yea..
Doris my youngest sis was back, i m happy she's back. i rather spend christmas eve with
family or honey actually. because they are more important to me, special day like that should
be with people i love and care the most instead. i miss the day in Vancouver with him and
i miss the day when my family and i could stay home for christmas.

anyway... i m too exhausted.. there are so many things i wanna write, i would write more
later... i found that my classmates are quite crazy and could be fun somehow if i decide to
let them know something, but i don't think i wanna be open to them all.

I'm feeling very weak..

>>December 26, 2014 at 1:54:08 PM GMT+8

2014 年 12 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】

its been really really really exhausting... training is killing me.
kinda like refreshing my mind, but at the same time there were differences.
then its like non stop non stop non stop training.. at the training school, then come home for
the revision, e-moduals and online assessments, then reading materials, revision, and then
preview materials for the next day, and some more practical at home for the CPR, oxygen
bottle operations with command. they need to exact wordings and body position..
how many hours do i have after training you know? i got up at 5:30am, i got home before 8pm.
i need my dinner and a shower, and time to prepare and study and everything else..
everything is just exhausting me. i got the basic, i got the concept, i got the 80% of the
knowledge from Dragon before.. but still, lots of minor things to work on.
i guess here is just even more specific on the minors and details since they do long haul
flight, so much more chances to have first aid issue and other safety issues.
i remember i used to hear that Dragon required less because there would be too limited
time for them to do everything, so they just do the most vital one, keep shortening the
time and procedure just need to do the most important thing, after that either we were
ready for landing or diversion granted, because we did regional flights. pax wouldn't need
to wait for too long for the professional medical assistance. i know somehow pax died on
our flights before or crew members got seriously ill needed medical assistance immediately
got offloaded at outport. so yea.... shit does happen.

anyway.. i m too exhausted. that day i totally overslept.. my classmate called me at 08:21am,
class started at 08:30. i'm always the first one arrived the classroom, that day they felt
weird why i wasn't there. they called, and that's when i woke up. i was so shocked.
i was like an hour late.. i was so scared. i called taxi, i kept asking the driver to go faster.
luckily, very luckily i wasn't expelled. but the ISD got my record already.. i guess i would be
in trouble later on when i would be back to the service training. but at least i could still be
on training inserted of got fired. they could do that actually.
i set 5 alarms, and i couldn't get up. i only had 2 hrs sleep each nights that few days,
it was really really crazy. at the beginning, there were too much to do and i wasn't used
to those online stuffs, just took really a long time to complete them. now i'm ahead of the
schedule, yay. but yea.. that doest make things great. it just reassures me i would have
more time for more challenging later on. and the wet drill is the most challenging part
for me. they changed rules i think. that day they told us we need to be able to float
and move for 25M without life jacket first, then with life jacket on, and need to carry a person
as the task, and also swim and get on the raft. so yea................ my biggest challenge ever.
i have been really working hard on swimming, learning and practicing.. but i still haven't
tried taking off the floating aid, because i thought i would have life jacket on as the other
inductees told me after they completed their wet drill. i just feel so shitty after that honestly,
but no choice, its for survival right? i should do it properly and i have to do it to survive in
real situation. i need to save life. it would be my responsibility as a professional cabin crew.

i miss him, but... other than that i m not sure what i can do. but he said he's fine after back
from UK, that's good to hear you know.. then yea.... something happened, not with him.
then my former professor has been very weird to me. its just very weird. very very weird.
anyway.... i don't know...

my family is going to Seoul to meet with Doris, and they are coming back on 23rd.
i'd be alone for about a week... good and bad.

>>December 17, 2014 at 2:29:05 PM GMT+8

2014 年 12 月 12 日 星期五 【晴】

training starts.. we went to the mock up today to observe others and acted as pax.
it was fun. some stuffs are similar, some are quite different. i'd say they work smart.
and yea... my classmates and i are getting along well so far.. and i'm one of the class wraps.
another one is a guy. it was okay. i don't mind to do extra and give a helping hand,
i think if my experience could enhance our progress, then that's a plus for all of us, right?
so i basically do the contact work, organising things, sharing tips and share reminders..
stuffs like that. just spontaneously we talked about two classmates they were chief and
was major in cooking.. so we were talking about having a christmas party. we just started
as a joke after class today, and all of the sudden we just arranged it during a sort discussion.

honey said to me super busy and difficult there.. i miss him. i really do.

tomorrow i would stay home to start studying and need to do lots of pre-view and work
for Mon. and i wanna get the translation done for honey tmr as well. i need to get it done
before i'd be extremely exhausted from training.

>>December 13, 2014 at 3:43:28 PM GMT+8

2014 年 12 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

today, we did the makeup class. it was okay...
started using the tale colour eye shadow again. i used to use that colour and blue when i was
in Canada. I'm talking about when i was in a Western country and i was 24 25 y.o., when i was
expected to be dressing up like a different style.. well the typical style of a Chinese girl there?
anyway, its the standard colour of CX, so i'd need to follow it till at least the training done,
and also need to wear the red lips again.

i should start my own journey about the happiness project. how to live even more independently..
focus on my own, seeing different things, learning new stuffs, taking my own interests to do
different things, live my own life. i realise its really difficult, because every little things are gonna
remind me of him. but if he can do that, putting me aside, why cant i?

professor C has been talking to me. i do see him as my senior, my former professor.
he said he'd like to date me. he knows i have a bf, and he's clear that my bf knows we have
been talking. he's not my experiment, he's just a senior man, someone who has taught me
so much in school years ago. i haven't told honey about that yet, i wonder how and when
i should do that. he's still in UK i guess. I'm not ... i don't want to keep repeating this, because
it makes me feel very bad that he's not talking to me. and i don't want these feelings, i mean
i realise he's not speaking to me and i cant change it, so i don't want to make myself feel even
worse, so i have to stop thinking about him somehow. our distance seems even longer than
it is. he's even more further away from me. I'm just a stupid girl who wants to feel close with
her boyfriend, who wants to see and hear him and feeling him.. if cant make it very often,
at least just sometimes.. so that i know he's still there for me. stop crying.

>>December 11, 2014 at 5:49:04 PM GMT+8

2014 年 12 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】

i sent christmas cards to honey and some friends..
i miss him, and i've been thinking what to do. i don't know, i just think i should try focusing
on myself instead. we are individuals anyway, so.. if he wanna do that, let him. i cant control
him or stop him, right? and i should do what i wanna do and what i should do as well.
i hope he's doing alright in UK. we chatted for a bit finally. was i stupid? i mean...
for panicking why he didnt talk to me.. i don't wanna being so needy or nagging..
I'm so sick of myself being like that. i hate myself being like that. i gotta stop.
i'm hating myself, i gotta stop. i told him i miss him, because i really do, i really do wanna
see him, and it's killing me for him not replying me or not able to meet. no matter what
reasons i know of, i still feel sad and really lonely. i hate myself having these feelings.

i unblocked Kin. after 2 years something, once in awhile i'd think maybe i'm too harsh
too mean to him. he did something wrong, that i couldn't put up with, but after all,
i don't want him to keep wondering questions and questions why i blocked him and went
disappeared. no matter what, he didnt deserve that, because i don't want to become some
kind of unfinished business to him. and i don't want to feel guilty as well. so i messaged
him just now for an apology. we chatted a little bit..

training would start soon. hopefully everything would be fine.
i've been learning swimming, i hope i could swim well one day. its kind of fun actually.

i have been having lots of pressure from people around me and myself..
i don't wanna think about it but its getting unavoidable.

>>December 10, 2014 at 4:41:42 PM GMT+8

2014 年 12 月 5 日 星期五 【晴】

hi hi..

i finally done my last flight. yea.. went back to the office to return uniform and other doc.
so, I'm no longer working for Dragonair. it feels a little sad, because of my lovely friends there.
they were very kind to me. they gave me a big surprise. i wrote them little notes and some of
them got my christmas cards with candies, some of them got the little gifts from me.
my super buddies Bonnie, Joyce, and Dorothee got bigger gifts.
then, after a bunch of farewell, actually not done yet.. some are still trying to get time to get
together.. but the schedule is very tight for them and i understand. actually don't need to farewell,
just keep in touch, and hang out sometimes is pretty sweet already. some guys asked me out,
i just... haven't decided yet.

honey went to UK. he messaged me at the airport in Tokyo. good, he finally got going. he needs
this trip. i thought he would contact me when he got there, but he didnt. probably too busy,
too tired, too lazy. maybe to him, i'm quite annoying or bitchy. guys are particularly difficult,
because they are nice to you first because they want you to be nice to them, and they can
get your trust and everything. then later on, they would dislike you because you are being
kind to them. as for girls, if you are nice to girls, the girls probably would be nice to you,
if you are nicer or sweeter, they would give you all of their best. as for me, i'm the stupid type
that stick with my own kindness.. somehow my bottom line was invisible, so that people
keep challenging me on that. i don't blame them but crossing my line is actually pretty easy.
I'm no going violent because I'm trying to control myself, yea, I'm suffering myself.
and i would still fight back once i think enough is enough. i have to admit that i have been
giving so much extra really so much extra allowance to this man i love. but what i'm seeing is
a fool. and i made myself a fool. I'm not going to tell myself this honest line, because i cant
even know how to describe how complicated i feel. being kind shouldn't be a foolish thing,
but then how come today i find myself so foolish to wait for someone who doesn't seem to
be interested to love me. maybe our time had passed for long. maybe our time won't come back.
maybe there are some other things that are more attractive or important. then he should go
ahead. you cant blame someone who is doing the right thing for himself, right?

then maybe its time for me to back off now.

have been very busy and tired to do many things preparing for leaving. and i would have
to spend some time to do some other stuffs before training start. everyone is congratulating
me, I'm very thankful for that. but i m not particularly happy for myself because of the
uncertainty in future. its gonna be a big change. everyone said oh you are gonna have the
new life there, enjoy, blah blah blah... saying like a heaven. before i got admitted, i was thinking
it'd be a heaven there, now lets be realistic, its not a heaven, it's another working environment.
and i want to be a better cabin crew, i have strict expectation for myself.

by the way, Miki has graduated. it was great. we went to her graduation.

anyway.... i was pretty upset when i saw his profile changed.. not because he changed his
pic. I'm happy that he has a new profile pic, which means things are on progress. I'm upset
because i thought he was going to contact me, he said okay, in fact i have messaged him
but he didnt answer me. i should tell myself oh he is busy or too tired.. but wait...
come on.... you and i both know this is bullshit. no need for any explanation.
no further questions required. basically, he has his things going on which he doesn't feel
like to share. so, why not just quit waiting, stop talking, and..... stop being the care giver.
i do want to be a mom, but not his mom. this role .... i can't fit for this role.
if he ever paid attention, he should have sensed somehow things have been changing.

i once found myself wanna be a lovely wife to take care of my husband and kids...
for now, i think i am capable for that.. but then....... in fact i found the man i love doesn't
deserve the things i have been doing, because I have been doing too much already.
i cant be waiting forever, i cant catch up, i can't keep chasing.

>>December 6, 2014 at 5:45:47 PM GMT+8

2014 年 11 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

i feel very sorry about what happened to honey lately.
i couldn't say much to him even though i might have said a lot already.
i don't think i could actually feel his feelings for him, because i m not him, and i have no
experience of what he's been through. i try, i just cant imagine what if i was him.
i'm worried about him, i know he's strong and tough, but things have been too difficult.
he needs to go to UK soon.. i feel bad that i couldn't even greet his dad. he must be
a great person, because honey is great. honey got his history and stories affected
by his dad. so, i feel sad for the fact that he has passed away, in fact that honey couldn't
see him couldn't hear his last words while he was alive. I'm sure his dad loves honey a lot,
and would want to give him the best he could no matter wether he could do that or not.
and for honey, i know he cares, he does care a lot. i worry he would blame himself.
I swear he would want to be there if he could. i don't know if he regrets but I'm sure he
wants to be there. i don't know when he would go over, i think he should go as soon as possible.
we are from so different culture and background, so we might think and act differently.
but the news is... too sad.

i was called out layover xiamen the night before. i was just completely dead after
that 3 flights. it was so fucking crazy. when we got to the hotel, it was 1 am already..
and i couldn't use vpn at all. fucking china blocks everything. stupid. really really stupid.

i got his message when i got back to HK last night.. i was late.

tomorrow i am going to sign contract. it finally comes. its finally coming.
but with all the sad news recently, i don't feel as excited as i expected.
today i'm on standby... till 7pm later.. well.......

i hope everything would be alright.. i hope honey would feel better soon..
i cant make him feel better.. i could only.... hope he would get better.. i do feel sad.
i could only feel sad. and.. i also messaged Rise about cancelling going fukuoka.
i think she's angry at me.. but at this time, i really don't know if i should still go for a trip.
the loading is too full anyway. i thought about booking budget airline tickets..
but then.... yea, after news, i just... think i should cancel the trip.

>>November 25, 2014 at 10:48:41 AM GMT+8

2014 年 11 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

have been really exhausted... i guess its because of the medicine..
and then i just took my swimming lesson yesterday. it was so great. i was progressing well.
i guess i would be okay.. but i got lots of back pain.. and so tired so tired so tired..
I'm really sleepy. and its like.... i don't know..

today's work was very busy and kind of harsh.. but yea... just did my best.
I'm double checking the doc i need for my contract day. just need to make sure no mistakes.
I'm kind of nervous, because this chance is too precious.
but i do have my concerns... its about the money. because at CX they pay less.

i don't know how is honey.. i hope he's well. i miss him a lot..
and i'm still thinking if i should go Fukuoka. the loading is really full, and the thing is..
there's only 1 flight each day, and then by the time i go, i won't be able to access my acc,
so basically i would have no access no control, and no help that day. its pretty scary.
and then, i do need a break before training again, but i also need money to survive,
it's the time for a bunch of insurance payments, taxes, student loans.. so.. yea...
and it's around the christmas time as well. its just... difficult.
but i gotta trust in God, things would work out fine eventually. it always does.

i should go to bed... i hope everything is gonna be fine. i hope honey is fine.
i do pray more these days.. for all the sadness, worries, tears, happiness, and surprises.
mostly praying for honey, and my family.. then myself.

Mei kwan.... stay strong.

>>November 21, 2014 at 4:18:12 PM GMT+8

2014 年 11 月 15 日 星期六 【晴】

really exhausted today. i felt so dizzy just now when i got home.
got some bad pax wanted to complain about me today.. luckily SP and FP trusted me,
and also the pax sitting next to that couple went into the galley and said he would support me,
even wrote a comment card with his name and contact for being my witness. i didnt ask him
to, but he came in. i was very surprised. anyway, i m very worried there might be any
changes for my contract. and i heard some people signed the contract and still got dismissed,
because of taking too many sick leaves. well, i m scared actually.

i m so dizzy again.. i think i better go to bed. and i hope my body would get well soon..
i m coughing crazily last night, and during work i was coughing a lot, thats not good.

i hope honey is alright.

>>November 16, 2014 at 7:38:42 PM GMT+8

2014 年 11 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

i went back to work finally. it was still okay.. i slept a lot in the day time, i took a nap before work.
the red eye flight was better for me, because i could take some rest inflight. even though couldn't
really sleep sitting on the pax seat with other pax, but at least i could close my eyes and take
some rest. i kept coughing, and coughing.. pretty bad. but i like Busan flight, because i could
go get a coffee and some snacks or doughnuts or even cosmetic stuffs at the airport.

i was really exhausted.. back to hk, then went back to the office to submit sick leave form
and taxi claim form. it was such the pain in the ass... after resigned, i needed to submit forms
in person at the personnel within office hour........ then yea, back to the airport clinic to have
a check with my ears... i worried about my ear, so i wanted to have the check immediately.
but honestly, i don't really trust him. the doctor there gave me lots of medicine...
i went home in the late afternoon, and i slept crazily till 9pm? then i had supper and went
back to bed..

today i got up early and went to my doctor again. my ear is getting better, i took my risk went
back to work yesterday, but yea... lucky it was fine. and today the doctor said my ear was still
weird because my nose wasn't clear yet. and i m still coughing very badly. but at least, now
i can speak, and i feel better already. at least i have the energy to go out, stay out of bed.

then i went central and met Lulu for tea. she was almost an hr late......... i walked around ifc.
well, christmas stuffs there. have been browsing around, and got lots of stuffs from the body shop
for honey.

i just thought of him a lot. and he messaged me about body shop stuffs. so yea, i went there
the first day they had the membership sales. 40% off. pretty nice. then i got lots of stuffs for
him. and today, i bought christmas cards at the book store at ifc. the money would go for
the dogs and cats home in UK, its charity stuffs. i kindda like it. at least the whole amount of
money would favour some organisation in need. and charity for animals, i think it's great.
then i went to the candle shop i used to like going. i didnt get anything. but i was looking
around, seeking ideas for christmas gifts. i wanted to get some candle for honey but
stuffs are heavy. and I'm not sure what to get yet. i m still planning =)
then yea, honey wants essential oil. so i was looking around for that. but he doesn't want
me to get from retails, only wholesale. hummmmm a little bit difficult.

anyway... i don't wanna get back to work. my heart is not there. but i'd do my best, it's my
profession. i do like my job, i just look forward for better environment. i think i would miss
my friends in KA, but to be honest, i think i don't belong to KA.

and then, i m seeking someone teaching me swimming. Doris cant teach me anymore.
she has some family stuffs to solve. its very expensive to learn swimming. sigh...

anyway, i hope my finance wouldn't get worse after going there, but i m pretty sure it would
get worse. I'm warned by many other crews already. i just think id need a part time job or
i'd need to request high flying hrs scheme.

i cant meet honey in Dec.... =(
but i still wanna take a break before training.. i'm thinking if i should still go Tokyo or
Fukuoka. i wanna go somewhere i could have friends or company. just relax, rest,
walk around, maybe a little bit shopping. i miss him, but he cant see me. .. . ... ....

>>November 15, 2014 at 3:55:24 PM GMT+8