2014 年 2 月 1 日 星期六 【晴】

Happy Chinese New Year

>>February 2, 2014 at 6:31:17 PM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 24 日 星期五 【晴】

too tired... and I'm sick..

back to work, it was alright. i had the overnight flight at Cheng Du... first time been to the new
hotel. went out with a girl. she was pretty nice! then yea... met some weird pax inflight as usual.
weird and rude.

i was happy to chat with honey. i really miss him. so, this time i'm gonna get a tattoo for real?
it's pretty cool actually. but i need to be careful of the spot i'd choose, well, we choose actually.
he already had a suggestion for me. but then i wonder that girl has a tattoo as well, it's kind of
weird even though i don't want to care.. when you get a tattoo, you don't plan to remove it any
soon, right? you might actually find it a life long thing, that's why you get it tattooed on your
skin, and let it be with you forever right? so... he let her did that, and now me as well...
what does that mean? he wants me to be the girl who can carry his name? but she's already
doing it, she has it already, someone has taken that already. what if she wouldn't remove it?
I would love to have his tattoo, but i don't want to be a fool who gets the tattoo then get
dumped later on. carrying one's name on the skin is like a life long thing, it's not just wearing
a ring, it's kindda like wearing a ring but in a way different that you carry it on your skin,
which you don't take it off don't wash it off. i remember last time i told him we could do it after
we got married. and that was like almost 7 years ago. we still haven't got married.
i asked him if he's serious this time, he said sure. and for me, that's a big thing. because,
i would do it if he says so. it's fun, and it's not just for fun, i m serious. i just hope he's not
kidding this time.. and i also hope that girl would remove it someday, soon.

anyway, i flew with classmate Charlie today. he was so funny..
and i met a girl that i think she's a little crazy. she grabbed my breast.. in a playful way.

i should go to bed first.. too tired now...

>>January 25, 2014 at 7:11:28 PM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 21 日 星期二 【晴】

i will be back to work tomorrow.

live your life, Mei kwan.. you are not desperate, because he is not the only thing in your life.
remember this please. if there's a chance that he could be with you and he choose you,
then that's great. if he doesn't, that's his choice. and if he has to choose either you or any
other girl, then let him be with that girl, coz there shouldn't be a choice to make. if he has
to choose, this guy doesn't belong to you, not at all.

i know she's better than me.. and so.... if he chooses her, hummm i'd be broken down but
whatever that wouldn't matter to him and if he's happy then.. i should let him go. i wouldn't
be able to bare my tears though, but yea.. you should trust him anyway. from his eyes,
couldn't you tell the truth? don't you find love between you two?

stay calm, if you don't love yourself take care of yourself, there'd be no one could love you
the same way as you do to yourself. stay calm. take a deep breath, trust yourself, let go,
and see what happens, be patient..

i want to see him next mont, but i m not sure if he wants to... or if he can..
:( i m very unhappy but tell me what else i can do, please.

Mei kwan, you're a professional cabin crew, please be ready to be back to work tomorrow.

i wish him recovered already..

>>January 22, 2014 at 3:46:11 PM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 19 日 星期日 【晴】

i miss him so much already. fuck..

>>January 20, 2014 at 9:26:22 AM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 18 日 星期六 【晴】

i don't know what i want. maybe i m changing.

coming to tokyo used to be... for seeing him, some shopping, most importantly spending time
with him. and we could talk and update each others. but this time he's sick. we can't do much,
and we almost never been out together except that day. it's a pity. and i went out by myself
yesterday.

he's pretty laid back, and i guess coz he's pretty lazy in our relationship. or maybe coz he's sick.
and i shouldn't blame someone who is sick. when i m sick, i hate everything or i d like to be left
alone.

he said I put on too much drama. sometimes i just don't know what he wants, sometimes i m
being passive. because he s easily angry, and i don't live here, his habits change, and i don't want
to do anything that makes him angry. so i usually wait or ask. but then he'll think i m weird or
dramatic. i m only here for 5 days, maybe he feels the roller coaster like i do. and i know he
hates dramas or ''bullshit" i don't like them too and i m getting tired of myself being so painful.
traveling could be fun but also pretty tiring. especially with the heavy baggages, dragging them
from home walking to the station at 5 am, then waiting standing by, and dragging them all the
way from the airport to his station with the transit, so excited but tired... and seeing him is
a joy and enjoyable moment. it's all worths it. and i could bring what he likes and needs to him
that's the plus. i feel so glad to do that even though i m super exhausted. its worths it.

i m leaving now within an hour.

all couples would have their ups and downs in the relationship. maybe i just need more
attentions from him, maybe. but i gotta be strong to deal with leaving. coz i would be on my
own again. and i might need to rely on my own again. you know, coming here doesn't mean
i could or i should rely on him, lesson learned. its my life, i m on my own. anytime, as always.

see you in hk.

>>January 19, 2014 at 2:27:16 AM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 16 日 星期四 【晴】

somehow you would just wake up and realise something you haven't thought through.
the answer was hiding and waiting, and the only person who can reveal is actually yourself.

there are many things i would like to do, i want to try, i want to challenge myself.
not in any stressful way, but.. life is short, and i don't want to always be waiting and waiting
for someone, like chasing and stuffs. it's not easy to be patient all the time you know.
everything has its limit and enough is enough. the fun part was definitely fun. but when the fun
was over, people couldn't get over it. and always some person would want the role and responsibility,
and who decides to give it out or let it happen?

the fun part was fun but hanging out was way too weird, i felt excluded, but lets be fair...
i have overcame some weirdness between us though. it's true, and i thank him.
but then last night... i tried to join the conversation, they didn't reply. i smiled, it was not welcomed.
they spoke their language and i had no idea what they were talking about. they talked about
something i had no ideas, even talked in Japanese, and he talked to me in Japanese,
and i couldn't response, and they simply ignored me. she walked pretty fast and he fellow and i
couldnt catch up and didn't want to catch up anymore. i was extremely uncomfortable. somehow in
the restaurant, she was playing on her phone, he was on his phone, they talked, they forgot me,
i was like the extra person sharing the table. maybe she wasn't comfortable with me. is it my fault?
well, Cas you are a flight attendant, you are used to these all awkward moments.

is it because i m smiling and being friendly then you think i m strong and could do whatever to me
and i would be able to handle all? fuck you. fuck you, how dare you. hiding up intensive fears and
awkwardness with a smile means i m trying to make you comfortable by putting more pain
on myself, making efforts to make sure everything is covered up well. it was like acting and
i think i success to fool them.

i want to live my life the way i want to, i m no longer a kid or a teenager even though i m kiddish
and stupid sometimes.. i want something more. and i m getting tired of living in someone else
style or even a shadow. when there are many of us coming together, i m similar to you, you are
similar to her... you think she's happy but wait actually she shouldn't be, she is not happy.
you think i m great, well you don't know everything do you? and the funniest part is...
with me without me, does it really matter so much so much that would end your world?
i don't think so... i m not as important and i don't need to be that important, coz at the end of
the day, at the end of the month, the year and years, anyone would just become similar to each
others in your selection. ordinary, extraordinery whatever. and shame on myself that i just saw it,
like it took me 7 years something to see it and still i m in love with him. looking into the mirror,
i see myself when i was 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, and today i m 27 going to be 28 this year.
long enough.

yesterday, when some guy was trying to grab me, i was scared, i tried to push him away and
walking away, at the same time somehow he could sense it, and he got him away, stopped him
grabbing me. lucky to have him there, and i was surprised he could actually sensed it and
stopped him in time. In hong kong, once in awhile i would bump into these weird guys or
perverts. in hong kong, i m on my own. no one would come protecting me, no one would
back me up, standing next to me. no one. at that time i would wonder where my guy is?
it doesn't matter he wasn't there, and i m strong enough i could protect myself, or even
fight back if necessary. how? how to fight back and protect myself? i don't know i just would.

i want to move on as in... my world would not have him one person only, relationship would
no longer be the only thing in my world. no, i wouldn't let myself doing this anymore.
i love him, it's true. and i would miss him when i go home in a few days. he would continue
his living style and his life. and his friends would remain the same chasing after him.
one might go the other one is waiting to engage. she doesn't only have a tattoo but also
a giant ring on her wedding finger. this is way too complicated. this is enough for me.

when you are putting someone so high, so damn important, and you would only lose yourself.
that is just not right. i love him, but he shouldn't be the only thing in my world.
i would miss him so much just like before.. but... i won't let myself just be upset and waiting
to see him again. i d need to move on.. coz i m so damn tired of the roller coster crazy cycle.
my mood went upside down. and i cannot do this anymore.. i have a life in hong kong.
like it or not, he would never understand me if he doesn't visit. and it'd be a shame.
but i can't control it. its up to him and i give up to hope i give up to wait.
i m not saying we should break up based on he will or will not visit hong kong..
but the truth is he should have visited so long ago but he never actually planned to.
and that's well said. i don't blame him. its just me being silly, have been waiting and waiting.

well, he has been giving me a lot too..
maybe i should stop writing now. we will see.

>>January 17, 2014 at 6:34:57 AM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 13 日 星期一 【晴】

i m super sleepy now... my back pain...
i just finished packing.. i think half of the stuffs in my baggage aren't mine at all..... crazy...
and it's really heavy. i wonder it might over weight, and the thing is i have already taken out
part of the stuffs already. Gees. its crazy.

just now, we were talking. finally we were talking, and thanks him that telling me stuffs
so i could prepare myself, right?
anyway, i need to catch some sleep now. fuck i only have like 1.5 hr for sleep now :(
why every time it takes me so long to pack stuffs.

>>January 14, 2014 at 5:56:22 PM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 12 日 星期日 【晴】

i m going Tokyo the day after.
yes, i m going to see him again. it feels weird as in i always want to see him again,
and now i feel excited and a little nervous. nervous because i don't know how things changed.
I'm not very comfortable with sudden changes, but i gotta deal with it. i know.
then, honey said I'm too dramatic. yes, indeed. i hope comparing with the others i m slightly
better, but i m not sure if he has made the comparison. probably not. but yea, i m dramatic.
i could be far less dramatic when i m off, when I'm relaxed, i could be calm and fine.
and when i m tensed, i m not patient. and when i m stressed, i m impatient for sure.
my job makes me act calm, super polite, super friendly and patient even if i m dealing with
a bunch of assholes or bitches or idiots or happening that i'd need to judge wether things
could dive into emergency or danger or something bad. and i m always in fast mode, and
rushing things, have to be super fast for everything.. at that kind of ''mode'' i always forget
who i am, i just know what i m doing and what's next i d need to do. steps after steps,
tasks after tasks, i don't have a second to "be myself". even if i m chilling in the galley for
a few mins (swallowing food or drink), socialising with other crews, sometimes it's very
superficial, unless i feel safe to be real. and still, wearing the uniform on the plane, i m playing
the role i m supposed to take, and not being who i really am.

after work, i turn on the phone again, i get back into contact with whatsapp or Facebook
to see what my friends have said, and check out what's going on the day within my network,
and i start to realise how tired and exhausted i am. and at that time i just wanna go home
and relax, still i m wearing that uniform and ppl are still staring at you. and i have already
collected a bunch of negative stuffs on my shoulders and my brain wants to shut down,
i m not in a good mood at all, unless i'm having the day off the next day. it's just the way it is.
and i know i should be thankful for the dream job i could have. but it has its downside that
could drive people crazy and quit eventually. and i m in this field, on the same road.

i don't have any excuses for being dramatic and bitchy, i know i shouldn't be and i don't like
myself being like that too, its not me. but when i m super tensed i don't know what i m doing.
i can't think and i need to relax. and at that time it's really really difficult to control myself,
and thats why sometimes i would cry on the bus alone on the way home. i just need to
let things out of my body. i feel like i m a freak sometimes.

tonight, i met with Shan.. my dearest best friend. just updating each others...
i feel old. i seriously find that we are getting older now. we grow up together, and.... when we
talked about the past and now, i just gotta admit that we are old now. and i wish her good
luck with her everything.. and seems like all my 3 best friends aren't happy in their lives.
we all are dealing with difficulties, well at least our relationships are difficult.
i can't type out everything i know, i just realise how girls could change let me put it this way.
guys doing that is kindda expected, but girls.... i m not sure. u never know. just like myself.
i have done crazy things too. just never as crazy as they did. but maybe in their eyes,
i was pretty crazy too.

i don't know what'd happen this time.. i told Shan that i'm getting tired of the cycle, the up and down.
i mean.... i m very happy when i m with him, then come back it sucks i feel terrible.
then our communication sucks that drives me nuts plus my job then i start being super dramatic,
then i feel bad and worse. then after awhile we could meet again and i m happy again.
for me it's just tiring and i m still not used to the ups and downs.. i don't know if he could ever
understand.

anyway, i m meeting Chrishelle for early lunch, then i'd come back and take some rest and
start packing. i miss him lots. and i hope his new schedule would be fine for him.
and hopefully we could meet at the station, i hope he d not be too tired.. i hope he's fine.

>>January 13, 2014 at 5:30:10 PM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

he said he'd replied me like 2 or 3 days ago, and said i was being too fucking dramatic.

>>January 10, 2014 at 7:22:06 PM GMT+8

2014 年 1 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

i m not happy today.
I'm getting fed up.. i just realised the last time i asked him about which days i should visit was
like 5 days ago already. and i asked again this morning, coz i need to confirm for making booking.
i can make any booking 2 hrs before departure time, but i m not doing this, am i?
i have been looking forward to seeing him again, i've been waiting for a whole month.
and he can't reply me wether we can or cannot or not sure? why not? at least tell me why?
not responding, what does that mean? it makes me think he doesn't care, at least not enough.
maybe he doesn't want to see me.

''if you cheat on someone who would do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out
of true loyalty." Cas, tell me what loyalty means to you?

i felt so dead yesterday, not feeling well this morning but i still went to work. well....





>>January 9, 2014 at 5:17:35 PM GMT+8