2014 年 7 月 3 日 星期四 【晴】

i cried. is really difficult. while he might not understand how difficult it is for me, i cried alone
without anyone realising.

anyway, i applied for cx, and gonna have interview on 11th. this time i m preparing hard.
i know i can do it. if confidence is the only thing i m lack of, i wanna make sure myself this
time i'm ready. I'm not doing it for anyone, i m doing it for myself. and i used to have many
concerns, but i guess i make my decision.

so now... what's my plan? hummmm started sending out invitations seeking traveling partners..
guys or girls doesn't matter.. i prefer a group instead of one guy one girl. makes some new
friends to stop myself focusing on him. if he doesn't care enough to make time for us,
eventually i would back off. because i think i have done much enough. and its getting heavier
and heavier on me. it's not fair, i can't.

i have been having nightmares.. i dreamed that i was pregnant and having interview at cx.
at the same time i found him not reliable and not available. i was struggling to give up the baby
although i want the baby so bad. it was like i was excluding him, didn't let him know..
it was like the choice of having the baby or having my dream job that i long for. so... i woke up
in a bunch of question marks above my head..

then my flight got canceled after briefing. we were noticed after getting on the crew bus.
and i saw the sp passing the "envelope'' for the fp. and i knew it was my Check Flight.
it was the nice fp and sp today!!! and my position was great... so i hope my next chance
would also be with the nice crews. then we waited at the office for 3 hrs.. some of them got
duties.... and some of us were released. great! i could go Busan Korea tmr. even though i
would report at 1 am, it's still one of my golden flights..

anyway.. i cried and my eyes are sore and painful.. i should go to bed.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with him yet.. i feel terrible. he never really asked what i
wanted or needed. he seldom talked about these things these days. no chance.
no chance for the face to face talk. no chance to hang out together. no chance for anything.
nothing. am i expecting too much? i don't wanna cry again. i m gonna stop here.

>>July 4, 2014 at 6:33:52 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

honey got into some accident... he fell on the floor. i got his message this morning.
it woke me up. he said he's okay. i m worried about him. i wish i was there.

my fukuoka trip was fine. i met Rise and Mami. it was so great to see them again.
i did shopping and eating. didn't rest much, because i only had 3 days.
but i sent him a box on the arrival day at the airport. thanks Rise for help.
then on the last day i also sent him a box. heehee. i just thought of him a lot actually.
i miss him.

i hope he would get well and recover soon.

by the way, i m out of AMS already. i m preparing to apply CX soon. i gotta do it soon.

>>June 26, 2014 at 2:59:37 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

I wish honey a happy birthday. and i m going fukuoka tomorrow... not tokyo but fukuoka..

>>June 17, 2014 at 4:59:27 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

June 12. my birthday. i m now 28.

i had a great day with Karen my best buddy in college. then had dinner with my family.
my honey didn't say happy birthday to me, he did chat with me but didn't say any greeting.
i think he might have forgotten that. so.... was i supposed to remind him? i have thought
about that, i wanted to, but i think i shouldn't. because if he needed me to remind him my
birthday, that means he didn't want to remember or didn't try to remember. if he wanted,
he would have. if today means nothing to him, then obviously i could have not been born
and he wouldn't have known me or met me. it's just as simple as that about ''birthday''.

i have many wishes.. i made 3. a little greedy, but they are all important to me.

i have thought about the past years, what i were doing in my past few years on my birthday..
they were all unforgettable. very important to me. from... the days before staying in Van,
staying in Van, back to HK, with him at Tokyo, at HK, they are all special to me.
and I'm 28 now... what's next?



quoting on Facebook:

June 12.. the today of last year, you had me there. this year, you forgot.
well, my fabulous 28 couldn't include someone who doesn't remember me i guess?
it's wether meaningless to explain nor giving some little hints. in fact, i did..
life goes on, as i m 28 now. my little present for myself is to enjoy life, be brave for my career,
and remind myself not to get upset by people easily. be a beautiful lady with a pretty heart inside out.
i have made three wishes this year, i wish all of them would come true. anyway,
thanks for my parents to bring me to this earth 28 years ago. thanks for my sisters,
my lovely friends, and thanks for someone who has talked with me but didn't mention
what day today is.

>>June 12, 2014 at 5:05:18 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

came back from nanjing today..
honey seems getting slightly better. i cried so badly the night before actually. but last night we talked.
i guess he didn't know i was crying. its true that since Aragorn passed away, i have been sad too.

many things have been happening at work.. people are so angry. i totally understand.
and many people would try applying to cx. i m afraid I'm not good enough. i was preparing for the
interview yesterday when i was alone.. i did some walking and i stayed at a cafe to draft something
for the interview. i haven't applied yet. i wanna wait till passing the AMS thing. i hate it so much.
i have a lots of pressure about applying there because i have failed quite a few times already.
it seems like telling me i m not qualified for them, i m not suitable for them. but i think i can do
so much better than now if i could work there, as a cabin crew i mean. not only for my personal
dream. i could do so much better there. i have a very high standard for my own work performance.

I'm worried about mom and dad. you know..... household responsibility problems. mom got so mad
just now... she broke down. i was a little shock as in it could have turned into some violence
and have created the potential danger just now. it was based on my observation and evaluation.
mom was really close to hurt herself. she went totally out of control. it's been a very long while
since she got tensed and stressed all the time and she never has enough sleep. she has
stomach problem that has been upsetting her, and for me i think it's more a psychological thing
but she doesn't believe even though everyone is telling her the same. dad didn't understand but
kept adding oil to the fire. so, its just difficult. dad has his own problem to deal with and i can
understand the heat around the house has never cooled down. but somehow coz of my sisters
and me, things could be brighten up a bit sometimes.. but doris is not home these days.
miki starts working after grad, and i m not home sometimes coz i need to fly. so... yea..
and i m worried because once it turns into violence, there's nothing much we could do but
call the police. if she didn't calm down, i would have to do that just now. we heard her screaming
from the bathroom, and the door was locked. we had to forced open the door from outside
to get her. and she went out of control. its just in one second. i think mom needs some professional
help. i m her daughter, i m not the best person to interfere. she might end up needing some
medication. she is too into her own thought or belief that she cannot take balance between the
reality somehow. and it seems getting worse as her ageing. she is going down. i can understand
some people age faster some are slower. mom might be a little faster than the others. it worries me.
i know its normal for human being, but since she is my mom i don't want that happen to her.
i have much allowance for that in terms of my patience, but sometimes i can't when i finish work.
when i finish work, i m very grumpy. because of the stress, the heat, the body pain, the mind..
its just exhausting me. i love my job although i don't like my company, the passion of my profession
is the only thing get me going and hoping to change to another airlines soon.

somehow i m planning to settle down within years. or at least have other plans going on in my
life before i stop flying. its either getting my master degree, getting married and have a baby,
or some other plans, or all of the above. but first of all, i have to save money. i m going to the
bank for the details soon.

i m planning to go Fukuoka on honey's birthday. i actually want to visit him instead.
but he can't make it. so... i guess i m using the free tickets to fukuoka instead.
after this trip, i really gotta save up money for future. I'm serious and determined.
what about his free hotel room? is he going there alone?

anyway... i should go to bed..

>>June 7, 2014 at 6:09:13 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 3 日 星期二 【晴】

i want to say sorry for what i typed a few days ago..
i was just being frustrated, but i didn't mean to say so insensitive hurtful thing..
lucky i didn't say it out in real, it was just my feelings... i don't want to make things worse
even though i do care about him, i just.... i was frustrated.

i m so exhausted... i went jogging yesterday. i feel so much pressure from work and many
stuffs... i need some exercise and hopefully helping myself to get stuffs out of my head for a
moment.. i don't want to go to work but i m going to work now...

brb. i hope honey is feeling better soon. i can't tell how grief would last for him there..
i just wanna say... i really want to be there for him and i know i can't. i really want him to know
even if i can't, i do care about him i love him and hope he would get better soon. it would be
fine, and i believe in him.

>>June 3, 2014 at 9:46:57 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 2 日 星期一 【晴】

i really hope he would get better soon.

>>June 3, 2014 at 2:57:41 PM GMT+8

2014 年 6 月 1 日 星期日 【晴】

two of my older cousins are getting married by the end of this year.. they both have had a very
long term relationship, and they are reaching their 30's i think. yea, should be at their early 30.
then all of the sudden, my parents started hurrying me and asking if Stephen is serious with me.
coz they don't hear much about us and he never showed up. well, i kept silent because i simply
don't want to explain anything. but for sure that I'm not sure when we could do that. because
he doesn't seem to be ready. i don't know what to do.

yesterday i kind of asked him if he wanted to see me in June. i sent him my roster and suggested
a few sets of day if he wanted to see me. he was so cold, he said " ? I work." i know he does
need to go to work. i also know he doesn't want to see me when he needs to work, i also know
something huge just happened and he's very sad. i also know people want support when they
are in pain, and i offer my time. 謝謝他的冷漠，不領情也𠖥。難道是我的錯嗎？ forget it.
i was worrying about him, i was thinking if i m not doing enough, if he'd feel worse if i couldn't
be there if he needed me. well, obviously, he doesn't need me. then i wish those chocolate can
cheer him up even though chocolate can't heal or changes the fact. but i can't deliver the chocolate
to him any soon. not by mail, not by my hand. sometimes i do feel frustrated.

i reported sick today. i need to do the tax return, need to tidy up my stuffs, need to do some
work stuffs, need to take some serious sleep and rest. i m not happy.

brb. i need to get back to my busy stuffs first...

>>June 2, 2014 at 11:59:29 AM GMT+8

2014 年 5 月 29 日 星期四 【晴】

I'm worried about him. i hope he's okay.

i said it on my Facebook...
it's life changing, and i hope it'd be a positive one. because from the beginning till the end,
it's been a gift in life. and look around, the pain doesn't stop on one person, it's shared with
everyone who cares. i hope the sadness would pass, and the happy spirit remains. please
hear my prayers.

but i know it's difficult, very difficult. i just wish them well there... you know..
i do feel sad still, i wish i could be there with him now, and i feel sorry i couldn't be there now.
i hope i could see him soon... i seriously do.. probably no celebration this year for his bday.
i wanna do something to cheer him but i m not sure if he would want any. i do that, its for him.
when i get him something or make him something, its not really celebrating, or i don't treat them
as a gift.. at most just a treat.. i love him, i don't mind doing anything for him. i just want to let
him know that he deserves to be loved and cared. and i do care and love him.
i feel bad when he's facing such things but i'm not there. i feel pain about that. and i m a little
worry about him too. i m not in mood.. i was in Nanjing, i took pics of the places and some
food, but i didn't share on Facebook because i don't feel like to. i didn't take pics with my
classmate Hugo, because even though it was a joyful thing to fly with classmate, i wasn't in mood.
i took one or two pics of myself but i took it for documentation of my own, not for fun sharing.
it's just... sad. i feel sad. i feel sad about Aragorn is gone, i feel sad about honey being so sad.

please be tough honey... life would be different.. but i won't leave. he would still have me.
and i hope he would understand that doesn't he dare to think about anything stupid.
because i cannot lose him. i cannot bare losing life of the person i love. losing my pet is
sad enough, losing a person of my life is just... can't.

>>May 30, 2014 at 3:45:57 PM GMT+8

2014 年 5 月 27 日 星期二 【晴】

Had a very news from honey.. Aragorn has passed away.
When I heard of it I felt very sad.. I was on the way to work, so I didn't
Have time to grief. In fact, he's the first dog that I physically touched and
Played with. I was so scared of animals, I didn't know how to be with
Animals and I worried because I didn't know how to take care of them
I worried I might do something stupid to harm them without even realizing it.
And Aragorn is a big dog and he's so friendly and nice. He's happy.
I met him in Vancouver. And honey always walks them, Ayako always take care
Of them as well. I know he's honeys' son. He's his big boy. And he probably
Cares about him as much as he cares about himself or even more than he cares
About himself. So....... It's just heart breaking. And I like his dogs even though
I don't spend much time with them. I can't, I don't know how to take care of
Them I don't know how to communicate with them don't know what they need and
Want. I like them, and I like that honeys happy with them. And I'm sure Gandalf would
Be pretty sad and lonely because his big brother has left. I don't know... Honey said
He's okay just very very sad... The last few times when I was there, I knew Aragorn was
Getting worse and I knew honey was pretty sad at that time already.
And I heard him cry. He even told me at some point he d need to let Aragorn go.
And now it just has happened too fast, and I even didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
And I feel very sad too. And that's another major reason why I can't have pet.
I won't be able to deal with death of my loved ones. I can't. I don't know how to deal with
Goodbye. Because it's too painful for me. I d rather die before my loved ones.
I don't want to die but I d rather die first.

I finally finished my long day.. I tried not to be sad because I couldn't let my emotion
To affect my work. It was a pretty tough day, the pax were crazy, 3 sectors, all crazy pax.
Then once I got on the crew bus to the hotel just now, I started crying.

I really hope that honey would feel better soon and so does Ayako.
I hope really hope that they would take good care of themselves.
I think things would change next time when I visit, coz Aragorn is no longer there.
It's just really really sad. And it makes me cry too. Of course honey and Ayako would feel
Really really really sad.

I'm gonna stay at Nanjing tmr the whole day. And I was thinking to go out
A whole day, but I probably won't.. Probably just take a walk, had lunch with my
Classmate Hugo, and take some rest then stay at the hotel.
I wanna stay somewhere have wifi anyway. In case he wants to talk to me then
I would be available. I don't feel like to go anywhere far too, not in mood at all..

I woke up around 5 or 6am suddenly this morning. Just don't know why... Then I went back
To bed and couldn't really sleep again till I got up around 8..

I hope honey could get some sleep tonight. He'd need that.

>>May 28, 2014 at 5:28:16 PM GMT+8