2004 年 2 月 1 日 星期日 【暴雨】

昨晚...我同chris傾計..我唔係suppose 有d咩人會come here to have a look,
我只係把我的生活,我的想法完完整整咁放上呢,有一個record,同時讓我的朋友認識我更多.

ok, 我尋晚聽左好多我原本唔知既野,突然間好似如夢初醒..我呆左好耐..i mean off line之後..
我尋晚坐左向度,只係識得喊...直到我覺得我好想訓我先訓.我對住塊鏡...覺得自己好傻好無奈.
我無溫到書...只係坐同埋喊...最後我仲有一個禱告去結束一切..我先俾自己去訓.個時只係4:00 am.

我從佢口中知道..原來....佢未真係可以get over 到, 而且..佢有討厭自己同埋我.
我亦有反省到自己...點解會俾機會佢去誤會我,俾機會去再一次傷害自己..但係我好清楚一點
就係我已經看清事實既真相.

佢怪我send e-mails, 近況俾佢同佢d朋友s...但我立場係我還我,佢還佢..
之前我已經同佢d朋友s講過我地係個別既...就算佢地要向chris講咩都係佢地之間既事.
我無做錯d咩囉 .. 我亦唔係同佢d friends 講佢d咩. 我只係當佢地係一般既朋友咁講自己唔開心,
我承認我有問候有關chris既事 ,但係我有咩居心可言呢? 唔通關心都唔可以咩?
我又無當面咁問chris 佢好唔好, 我知佢mind 我都唔點同佢講野啦,...況且
我同佢d朋友s講過我唔希望佢地會話返俾chris知我問候佢. 我唔知點解chris會有咁大既反應.
之後 chris仲怪我,話我fake...joey走個次, 我好無奈,我只係想搵d我認為可以傾心事既朋友去
講我心內既難過,我自己個時好難先平靜到...
點解佢要懷疑我係乘機想復合?! 點解佢可以咁諗我?仲有wuhao... 我唔知道當中過程發生咩事,
但係..我覺得佢有可能係 has same thought on me.. 我會好傷心...
chris同我講 我個晚應該係要同joey 傾電話, call joey, 陪joey.. 唔係咁得閒找佢同wuhao..
that means.. 佢同wuhao 都唔信我呀 ! 我即時覺得好傷心, 我知我講咩都無用..
我亦覺得佢太過份... 佢根本就唔信我... 點解經歷左咁多野之後佢仲可以咁諗我.
christmas 佢話我唔應該 send present or cards for him, okay, fine, 我連信都唔再寫俾佢.
如果連 e-mail 都唔forward 得唔可以send交代近況既mail(係send俾all people 個種) 都唔可以
呢d係咩朋友啊?! 不如直接 block左我, 或者我block佢啊?! 佢唔mind既話, 我都可以做得出ga.
咩意思喎... 根本就無意思. 我個時諗, 做唔做朋友都罷.
就算我心裡面幾矛盾, 我都keep住 對佢友善, 都保持待佢如好朋友咁... 我係逼我自己咁做ga.
ok fine.. 我覺得佢唔領情仲要咁諗我既..我無野好講. 咁不如算啦,停止啦.
但佢話唔需要block.. oh man... 咁想點.
ok, up to him, always like that. 我唔介意, 講我知想點.
佢想我唔好再send 任何野俾佢, ok... 總好過佢之前既想法係連佢d朋友都要delete埋..
唔好忘記,個d都係我朋友. 親唔親係我既事, 我鍾意send 係我既事, 佢無權 stop我 .
佢地影響到佢係佢地之間既事, 我無叫過, 我都無expect過佢地要咁做. i didnt mean anything.
我知道我自己可能係脾氣差d...但係係事實. 我既感覺就好似俾自己心愛或者係
最信任既人, 最緊張既人去攻擊咁... 我討厭呢種感覺.

最傷心係..之後佢朋友同我講chris 後悔, 後悔當初無諗清楚就承認呢段關係...
ok..佢仲講...如果唔break既話, 係會更加傷害大家, 而且當初係我係佢最差既時候出現...
我心諗...即係話, 我係一個水泡...... that means 佢根本唔愛我, 佢話佢後悔 lead me to
this relationship... 佢根本唔愛我..this all is after break up 佢既諗法.
點解要講到我好似魔鬼咁? 佢覺得一開始就係錯... 好.. 好一個錯.
我地之前 既 promise 都係錯, 我地既一切一切都係錯. 我睇得好清楚.
難怪突然間佢會變得咁奇怪 ... 我終於明白點解.
好, 咁wuhao呢?! 佢到底係點... 我都唔明白..但我係到諗我應該點去面對佢地.

我覺得好唔fair.. 我覺得好唔開心,甚至有d嬲, 覺得過份...
但 so what? 我真係心淡... 點解佢可以咁樣諗我... 佢仲問我覺唔覺得奇怪
如果人係未見過面之前就鍾意對方... 我立即答佢,我講過你會介意, 但你個時唔係咁講.
佢話要向我道歉..我話唔需要.我唔需要佢既道歉,我根本無怪佢d咩.
我係因為相信佢,相信神當時俾我既信息我先敢去投入.
我feel到好危險, 我feel到可能好傻, 但我願意冒險, 願意陪佢傻, 因為我信佢.
但結果係點...係一個咁既結果...係一個換來被攻擊既機會. 我承認我天真, 同時我認命自己天真.
我知,我明白我就係一個咁既人.佢時間改變好多野, 有幾耐啊? 1個月咋.
我心淡, 甚至想當無識過佢... 但係我珍惜佢, 可惜佢根本唔信我, 仲抵毀我.

我好想講俾佢聽, 我都好難過, 但係我好努力去令自己開心,去令自己學會明白佢既處境.
我好努力去當佢係朋友... 我甚至會睇唔起自己, 我d朋友都唔認同我既諗法...
但照做...但係佢就因為佢既自我中心而咁樣傷害我...我覺得好無奈,好傷心.
我分得好清楚什麼是朋友,什麼是男朋友,什麼是過去既男朋友...但係...結果係咁.
ok, 我唔會再咁care 佢. 我唔會再理佢...我只係想再一次強調佢知
我唔係佢想像中個種咁cheap, 咁有心計既人. 佢唔係好醒目咁去揭穿我,而只係不斷咁傷害我.
我根本無咁既心... 我只係想大家都好d, 盡早去適應返當初朋友既關係.
我做錯野, 令佢唔適服, okay, 我會停止, 我會道歉... 但佢唔能夠咁諗我, 佢係到侮辱緊我.
我希望佢停止用d咁既口吻同我講野. 停止用d咁差既眼光去睇我.
朋友, 枉我一心一意咁為佢做咁多野, ok 啦, 我cheap, 我下賤.
佢覺得okay 既, 任何時候我都歡迎佢再contact返我, 但係 ,我唔會再主動做全何野.
唔係因為我想幫佢去setle d咩更加唔係因為我怕佢, 而係我已經對佢死心,唔單係男女感情.
我甚至想真係 block左佢. 直到有一天我覺得真係 okay 先算.

但我仍然祝福佢...至少我無後悔過我地曾經咁樣 "戀愛" 過.
我唔想佢唔開心,我會做我唯一可以為佢做既野就係block佢, 我諗咁對自己都會好d,
我好希望佢可以早日get over it, 或者大家都會好過d, 我唔介意,亦都唔在乎.
joey同我講, 對exbf仁慈, 有時候就等於對自己殘忍, 俾機會去傷害自己. ok.. fine...我只想大家好過.
我諗我會同佢交代一d野... 之後我零可聽天由命,都唔要再係咁樣落去.
如果佢仍然堅持佢以往既諗法,或是咁去睇我, 我唔會再感到傷心,可惜...因為佢唔配.
我會put it to god.. 我只做我的份...其餘我唔再理會...佢要既話, 佢總會搵到我.
如果我地真係咁有緣,主會成就, 並唔需要我地咁樣去決定,去批判我地既路.
我會為到呢件事去禱告, 但係我唔會再care.

我覺得自己大個左好多, 成熟左, 唔緊要, 人就係咁.
last night,, 同queenie chat過,佢好明顯見到我既唔同,雖然佢而家係美國,
但係我同佢既友誼仲keep得唔差...
我諗我對佢既了解亦比起佢係香港既時候來得深...

今天bio exam 一般,
lunch at delifrance with them...anyway... gotta stop.

>>February 2, 2004 at 3:03:33 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 31 日 星期六 【晴】

sorry that last night i didnt write my diary... coz a bit busy.

anyway, the day before, i went to libary , borrowed some books.
that night i cant sleep well, i cried , coz i felt that goes too fast...
i forgot the girls's name... that called karin,
i was thinking that he spent 3 years on her, to chase her, but only a month on me,
not for chasing but together..... haha!!!
suddenly i thought if we could exchange... that must be great, right?! haha...
admire her ... haha... yea.. i was silly....really relly silly... but it's real ..it's what i thought...
and i thought of junming, glad that he is very well now and also his girl =)
also thought of... benny, still havent got his news, a bit worried for him, just disapear few days,
no sms replies, the m.phone is not availably , never on line , dont know what happened...
just wooried that maybe he got into hosipital again ~
then i thought of my friend ince in nz ,... happy to recieved his sms ^^
erm,... i wont write them down here, but heehee~
we just havent seen on line for long time ago... i thought i might be faded out of his mind...
but he still remember me, anyway i will post him post card and letter soon...
and also .... amy, hope she feels better now... she's the first oversea schoolmates for me ^^ heehee~
i like my schoolmates, especially some of them are my true friends now =)
amy, tracy, joey, nikita, calais, vincent, rachel ,...
tracy and joey are very nice girl huh ?! haha... we all from different background, but still be friends =)
and i'm happy to recieve a friend from chris 's e-mail that i was confused that why i can see mine,
chris's also a net friends' email @s on the e-mail that guy sent me. haha... then i found i knew his
mail @ before... but just cant search his on lizt, then i added him again... just see that he's deleted..
woo~ i think that must chris deleted his. coz he told me he deleted few guys ,few of his friends
from my lizt ... anyway, it's past. i 'm happy to recieve an old friend's =)
his name is funny, called december.

and today....
i slept at 5:30 morning, then woke up at 12:15 noon ...
i ate out with my family, then back home to study, take tea time, study, on line...,diary time,...so on...

i chated with my cousin, sheila, which is like my good good friend =)
just heard her news from relatives that a guy with "big task" just chasing her... haha!!! big task,...
he told me the "big task" means... he can give her a good future~ haha!
yea, i know that guy already, coz when i chated with her, i found that's not her, is a he.
he's near to her.
oh..man... they're together now! i asked her why didnt tell me, she just said i'm the first one to know,
her parents dont know too~ woo~ even her sister doesnt know too~ that means...
they're just go together... she wants me to keep secert, of course can =)
just told her, there's only her can tell her mother that they're in love =) heehee~
too bad that she asked me how's with chris... damn bad... i told her 3 times that we seperated.
just too forgetful ... like me~ haha,....

and tomorrow i will have exam for biology, it's not easy one, but it's fair for me ^^
i will study hard, but dont know why, there's not much presure... just feel like i work harder is ok then.
anywway, we will have tea at delifrance tomorrow before exam ... i enjoy my life very much..
hum,.... now is much more free, and it's so nice that i can put down the heavy clothes of hk system..
if i want, i can borrow more books for knowledge, but not for exams, if i want, i can take more
lessons , except the one i have to take. i can change my time table if i want...
everyday i still have enough time to rest, to hang around, and of course to do my jobs..
and i know i will be busy again, but i think it'll be not that stress... school life ought to be like that.
if now, you want me to go a-level or just back to repeat , i sure wanna die.
i will take toefl soon, just let see after this sem, i still have enough time to prepare for this.
and now, just go search some information about that and do well preparation on english not toefl.
i think it must be much effective than taking tuitions now.
i enjoy the ways to pratcise english now =)
english is a kind of interested, commuication skills and also art for me ...
it's a part of my life i think... maybe it's a bit exaggerated, but it's real. let think about the surroundings,
you will find that english is important also is a need , or life skill for any hk-er.
for me also, and it's an interested , maybe it's a preparation for my futher job , dreams. heehee~
anyway, happy to take this associate course, thanks god..
i used to pray for ways that god want me to follow... my pramily school, college and that time was
the repeat course or associate course.. He help me to access in this course. thx god =)
and i think god must be the great for me. always be the great for me.
i think...tung, junming , chris ,...many ... are all my stories that prepared by Him.
i'm so weak, i just can follow the spriit in my mind -- thats always my want too. so... if there's any
problems, i always be sad, depressed, coz i dont know why He let me hurt although i just follow all.
but anyway, i know i still got long way to go. i have to be faith ,brave.. whatever.
just like my msn nick
[sometimes we need to be strong, but we dont ; sometimes we supposed to be tamed, but we resist.]
[my fren told me that the worst is the silent between u & the one you liked. struck dumb.]
that's silence reigns. ... ... .. just let time ; let goes.

i recieved a call that Tst Mcdonlad's is going to empoly me~ hoho~ i will pray that tonight.
i will got the breifing on coming fri. i used to think that working there is cheap...
but i think that place is not bad... and just take the first experience there, so that i can do well on
other stores or on my full time jobs later on or... maybe delifrance, starbuck ,huh?! haha..
just try different resturants or cafes ... that i wanna learn how to service different kinds of
costomers. i would like to be a flight crew or what in airport , airline comany.
this is the nice start for me =)
all the things go well, heehee~
a flower always be a flower =)

take care friends...
love,

castor =)

>>February 1, 2004 at 11:41:14 AM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 29 日 星期四 【晴】

hoho~~~

today i bought 2 lip shines from red earth, ... lately i always do a bit make up before school.
only a bit... but i feel like better, look consciousness...
actually coz i meet my friends, so that i do a bit make up~ haha
and i go interview jobs today, one is mcdonlads in tsim sha tsiu ,hum,... near the harbour,
and other one is delifrance in wan chai , near the ... ... ... ... i dont know how to discribe~ haha!!!

i wanna delifrance more than the mcdonlads... but i think mcdonlad may empoly me;
and i know that i may take the sec interview for delifrance ... but still have to wait 2 weeks...
then that time, maybe mcdonlads empoly me already~ haha...
i will work there, and wait the delifrance... if delifrance doesnt empoly me, then i go try double star
and starbuck~~~ hoho~!

i didnt join the party, coz i have no money to join ... =( too bad, right?!
haha... coz i spent too much for being with joey... i thought she would leave .
but coz her body temperature is too high, they dont allow her to leave..

now, why i take part-time job, just coz of wanna saving money for the trip after associate.
i 'mnot meaning the studying, but traveling~ heehee...
and also i need some working experance ~ heehee... i think the first step is mcdonlads,
then must be delifrance and starbuck , or double star~~ hoho~~ i like them =)
the manager told me, maybe i have to stay in the kicten or he will put me in the mc cafe too.
then in delifrance, manager told me , maybe i got to work late, very tough and... something else...
she means that mean... wow~ dont know how~

i'm just looking forward my funny job =P
and today i got to study hard, coz i got exams and ... assignaments next week..
yahoo~ work hard castor =)


[ jin tian shi yi yue san shi hao, bu zhi bu jue yi jing si ge yue le...]
shi jian guo de hen kuai leh ... tu ran you zhong bu zhi dao shi shen mo de gan jue...
ke neng ... shi ... yi zhong shi luo gan...
zhen de ... hao kuai ... da jia you shen mo gai bian ma ?! wo leh ? wo you ma...?!
na... ta leh? ta you you ma ?!
hao kuai... bi shang yi ci kuai duo le ...
zhen de shi bu zhi bu jue , hen bu jin yi de...
dan shi zhe ka ... suan la ba ... ren jia yao zhe yang wo ye mei ban fa le...
suan la... wo xin shang le.

>>January 30, 2004 at 3:33:14 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 28 日 星期三 【晴】

last night ...
我沒有睡覺, 4:00 開始為 joey make cake 直到 6:00...不小心睡著了..
結果...就是...遲到囉.
之後...我一直都感到捨不得的, 我們花了一些錢on 貼紙相啦, 之後又去pizza hut 吃東西(她愛嘛)
之後她說不希望我們去送機..但是... 我和 calais 偷偷地去機場...等了3小時呀~ 哈哈
那我回程時太累了, 在車上睡了一會 ... 那下車前我看到地上有一個手摺的heart shape...
跟我摺給她的是完全相同的... 那我拾起來, 細看一下...那是我做的呀~
我已經想到一定是那傻瓜遺漏在車上了, 幸好我也坐那班車~呵呵~!!! 我還在想...應該怎樣
保留那 shape 還是 post to her... 現在就是帶回校就可以了~

今天啊, 人家明明不想吃pizza的, 去吃了, 昨晚人家明明是累的,不能睡...
今天啊,還用了很多錢去拍 貼紙相啊~~ 哈哈!!
怎樣也好,我已經感到當她的好朋友是絕對刺激的了~ 小女子領教了...

anyway, 一切回復平靜了~ 但願如是啦~ 哈哈~ 我真的喜歡這班朋友呢~
anyway, 我們又是好好的一整體了 .

我啊, 今天看到了機場的空姐, 很多都不漂亮的, 有一些很矮小,有一些滿胖的...
我指的都是 cathy pacific 的... 哈哈~ 我朋友說 "castor ,你有望了, 不用擔心~"
哈哈!! 我呀.... 不知道, 到時才算吧 =P.

要做好多功課呢...還要溫習... 晚安 castor.

>>January 29, 2004 at 3:17:00 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 28 日 星期三 【晴】

Queenie,

i'm not well today, coz my friend is going to leave... i gonna miss her so much,
it comes so sudden...
whatever, i chat with chris a bit, that's okay, but anyway it is not my poin to say...
i admit that i do care him that's why i wanna call him, but i didnt do it, coz just at that moment, i saw
him on line. maybe that's great, better than call him. he was busy.

surely i wanna go delifrance with you, also starbuck...
see...delifrance is also a place that important for other friends --i mean that girl, joey,
and my other friends at class-- and me. i love chinese food also... shall we have a time there too?

i miss miss erin quite much, but i've never seen her on line, then later i will e-mail her too..
but just later... coz i have some stuffs to fix now. i wanna fix them well then tell all my friends i'm fine..
how about you? what subs you're taking now?
i wanna back lsc too... hey, you remember that alex 's birthday is soon, i think
i will join the private party with them too ; it'll be on this Fri, maybe lunch time...
i dont know how many friends they invite, but i think maybe just few people...
anyway, tell you later =)
so,... busy man, we will see my friend, joey off, then on fri, i got to join a party,
however on mon, i will take exam again... and also got some assignments and project that
should prepare. now, joey left, then dont know how to find a mate join our group for project...

my chinese new year here is great, as you know on my diary bord.
i still havent count the money of those r. pockets.
how about you? you mom post to you, or just keep it up for you?
wow...then when you back, you'll be suddenly rich... got to pay me a tea or whatever you want =)
you got freedom to choose for me =) haha...
okay la...
this letter is quite long, right?! hope you enjoy this.. haha..

now, i join 2 writting class, coz here're 2 different instructors.
i used to take another one with them, especially acampany joey...
coz, we used to hang around there some cosmetic specialized stores in TST...
i wanna improve my writting skills also oral, coz you know what, i wanna apply a job in
air port or air line campany or else .
just bless me, okay =)

i gotta stop, i wrote too long.
drope out few lines =)

take care,
*( you know you're always best wishes , so i dont write it ~ haha)
*(you know, you of course "always" , so i also dont write it)
*( what you need is to take care = P )
Castor, you lovely good good friend =P

>>January 28, 2004 at 6:47:54 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 28 日 星期三 【晴】

good is i take my favourite cake for dinner tonight..

bad is...
joey goona leave us tomorrow...
我...我十分捨不得她的離開....我還欠她一支螢光筆..我們還說過要去k lunch,
要一起去 delifrance....我對她和vincent的故事是十分之感動...對她是多麼的看重.
明天, 我們相約要一起去 causeway bay ,一起 form study group, 一起逛街...
沒有她, ... 誰當我的老師...誰教我人生哲理...誰教我做一位小姐, 誰與我一起努力學習自立?!
我..我覺得...好不開心,... 我什麼也沒有為她做過...一直當她是我的姐姐...去照顧我...
我不可以保護她, 當有同學傷害她時...我什麼也沒有為她做...
我明明知道人家損她的名譽...我卻置之不理... 我覺得自己...好差...
差在沒辦法彌補...

我剛才想打電話給她, 可是我沒有, 我怕我們會哭.
那我打電話給 benny, 他的電話...那我再想打電話給chris...但我又怕.
那我問 wuhao (on line) can i call him, 我們討論了一會.. at that moment, 我們討論中...他on line了
可是我覺得他冷冰冰的... 我也沒有心力再跟他說什麼了...不想麻煩他.
他告訴我他在做功課..那更好吧... 我也不想煩他.
大概我應該明白的...

之後我有找過 joey, 問她的情況, 她在發燒 ... 跟她談電話時,我都哭..
問到她, 她也不想去 ... 問到 vincent.. 更是..算啦... 我想...她已經夠難過.
雖然我跟這班朋友不是認識了很久, 只是幾個月..可是我已經覺得跟他們好好朋友,...
至少, 大家最難過的時候都是在一起互相鼓勵, 支持的... 大家在一個新環境中一同長大...
又是一個無奈的離開... 我以為 2003 是一個充滿了 "離開" 的一年...
想不到 04 年第一個無奈也就是朋友的離開...
我剛才的心情好差 ... 我msn 的 nick 上" damd bad , what a shit it is ? just so sudden, so pity! "
junming都問起來..." it seems you have a bad day today"
我突然發現... 原來 男朋友的離開是一個人, 兩個人 ,也許是集中一些好友之間的傷痛..很個人的.
但是朋友之間的事就是更令更多人難受,... 朋友對我來說也許更重要...
因為, 當分手之後, 對於ex-bf 也許還會有些寄望, 也希望他們是最明白自己的一個,
跟他傾訴會是最好, 最安慰的, 雖然心裡清楚知道自己不是帶有其他意思的...
但是, 就是感到一種冷... 那我當然明白他的忙... 可是... 可能大家心中還是有誋諱吧...
他以前說過, 當我有不開心, 困難時, 要第一時間告訴他...那時我們還是朋友,
他說他很有辦法, 一定可以令我開心起來... 他說無論手上的事有多煩重, 他都會先處理我的事..
那時候我不太敢相信他...因為我怕有天他的離開. (他也真的離開了)
但我最後還是乖乖的相信他--一個我喜歡,我相信的人.
但現在, ... 我明白到.. 之間的分別了... 幸好我不是那麼的依賴他 ...
因為, 我第一時間找的人已經不是他了, 是其他人... 那是因為我只是想找個朋友傾訴.
也因為chris 曾經 ignore 過我的 calls , 所以剛才我感到自己有輕視他的感覺..
但......當我找不到我的朋友時, 我才更明白到
我想找的人始終是他-- 侯善恆 , 也許因為他知道joey 這人的關係, 也許這不多不少也曾經是我們
之間的話題, 使我更想跟他講, 而不是其他人. anyway... 我明白的, 他已經是那個過去的人.
好啦, ... 我剛剛也跟 我daddy 的好朋友 (我叫她姐姐, 她在ca) 聊過... 也感到好一點...
她也覺得我是時候放棄 chris了, 當然姐姐,她的想法也是很正常的.
可是, 放棄與否,我不在乎... 我只在乎大家是否過得好... 我相信如果大家心裡有大家
大家仍然記得我們曾經所說過的, 那麼... 時間不是一個問題... 我們還是有機會.
但如果他真的決定放棄的話... 我可可憐了.
看主啦, 那天我禱告... 讓祂幫我搞, 我什麼決定也不敢下了.
anyway,... put it away first...

今晚...我打算為她做點事...可能會做一些小禮物吧...
雖然她離開也許是好的, 可是我始終捨不得她... 我在想,一個又一個的走...
那麼...遲些可能到我了...也許我會在完結 associate 之後會再其他地方完成 bechlor..
我很會感慨的...nikita現在放學之後也會上班啦, 那麼其實只得我, calais 和 vincent...
hum,... 我不mind 2男 1 女, 可是...總是差點點的. 好啦.. 明天要好好的跟joey 過.

一個又一個的離開 , 心有點難過, 也有點痛 ... 但是.. 又因為這樣, 我們才會長大.
我零可不長大... 但我沒選擇的餘地.. 只在唯一可以作選擇的時候, 選擇過得"自我"一點.
我就是我... joey 也就是 joey.. 多麼的真確.

>>January 28, 2004 at 6:24:08 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 26 日 星期一 【晴】

last night...
i prayed so long...
好久沒有這樣禱告了...為了好多不同的人去禱告, 也把自己感到開心的事告訴神.
那時候我在想,..也許chris的離開也不夠團契分散那麼傷...因為我不只是心酸,還會心痛.
是感到痛的...但當我再為到chris和我之間的事,我自己的猶豫再禱告的時候,...
就發現...原來都是會痛的...也許都已經淡多了, 剩下的就是一些疑惑...靜候主的安排吧=)
我現在也可以多放時間在不同的朋友上,多好...也可以專心讀書啦 =) yeah~!

今天我和 calais 一起在 delifrance having lunch, nice ... nice..
不錯的 ^^ .為什麼我會喜歡delifrance 呢? 因為第一次我在delifrance吃東西時
是 我, jackie, queenie,和 我親愛的 miss erin 英詩比賽完結之後...一起去enjoy我們的happy time的~
每一年英詩比賽那天之後, miss erin都會請我們一起吃飯的...第一次就是在 delifrance了.
所以我就喜歡了那個地方 ... 特別是 miss erin 已經回去美國了, 對她的思念更是非常的呢~
每當我看到 delifrance, 我都會想起 miss erin, 想起我的好友們, 也想起 mimi 說過好想一起去那裡.
可惜... 不能再以團契的名義一起去了...
想起delifrance, 也想到了 chris, 之後也會想到了 starbuck ,...haha..再會再次想起 chris 說過
他也很喜歡 starbuck , 也曾想過在那裡 take part-time job 的...哈哈...
我們都喜歡 cafe...一些特別的 cafe.

之後我也會一個人多去 delifrance, 因為我需要一個人的空間... 我會想起那個地方.
然而我也喜歡那裡的食物 ,有我喜歡的湯...當然也有好吃的bread, sandwich .
還有我很愛的 apply juice =) ... 但我更希望可以跟我的朋友去分享我的喜悅哦!
吃飯對我來說不只是吃, 而是一種享受 ... 當人讀書,工作累了, 可以跟朋友一起吃東西是
很幸福的 ! 吃也許不是最重要, 最重要是過程中,是多麼的 care free ~
我也喜歡一個人煮東西, bake cake , sandwich , make salad ...=) 所以 delifrance 真的很合適我的~
所以可見為什麼 castor 是有點肥, 不是瘦瘦的~ 哈哈~

我希望可以在我associate 畢業時一個人去一去旅行 , 也許找些人陪我, 可是我需要私人空間.
地點基本上是準備好的了~ 哈哈...但不排除會在有點改動...haha..
可是是因為用自己的能力去走走, 所以, 我想先找好一份 part- time job 先,
那我可以save 下 salary, 那麼一定會好高興的了~ 呵呵!!! 逗留多久就看有多少錢~haha

我現在開始不可以吃太多東西了,... 因為冬天的關係,我已經肥了很多...
(我冬天是習慣性肥一些,到了夏天會自動消瘦一些的)
而且我覺得不舒服了, 好像身體突然起了一些變化. 可能是因為太冷了吧.
皮膚也有起敏感,...好可憐啊~ !!! 我最怕是一直冷下去,我的皮膚會一直的差下去...
可憐的是要見人啊~! 在其他地方敏感我沒關係啦,不要在面上嘛...討厭的~~~

我 sign up 了一個 10 mb 的 e-mail account in hellokitty.com
[email protected] (應該沒錯吧~heehee~)
那也apply了一個 account in cartoon network orbit
我的名字是 shmoo sassy rowdyruff ( from powerpuffgirls orbit) haha!!! so nice!!
i like powerpuff~!

我剛才忘了跟我的網友說我之後上網的時間會減少了... 不知道應該怎樣說呢...hum,...
也許...什麼都不用說?! 不行嘛...可是下星期開始, exams 又會出現了, 我是必須準備好的~
不可以再讓自己馬虎了事了~~~ 唉... castor啊 castor...努力呀~不可以放棄的~
如果你再放棄的話...那就真的好糟糕也~~ 之前是迷失, 但如果現在好多了也敢放棄...那就自己也
看不過眼呢~
我絕不會讓歷史重演... F. 4, 5 時太...太...太不懂得自律吧...結果...搞出事來~
不介意網戀, 而是... 用了太多時間, 心力了...完全是...不能專注的吧...
也許是太累...算啦不說了~ 希望明天會更好吧~!

yahoo~ tomorrow is another day~
nice dreams castor, and also my friends =)

>>January 27, 2004 at 4:32:52 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 25 日 星期日 【晴】

today i saw two bad news.

1 st , i saw a big dramma on street with my friends.
2 nd , i know my schoolmates in sg (utah) is sad , hurt .

i feel sorry about thoese events .

anyway, benny goes to check the gastric today , still hasnt got the report, i just pray for him,
hope he 's alright then.
i'm still looking for the guy who sent me sms, also i know we chated before... but i forgot his name,
also just havent seen him on line, i dont sure who he is on net....
i got to use that sms code to find him . today i try to call back him, but ... he turn off the m.phone.
anyway , benny told me dont be sad with the friend that i mentioned last time...
coz it's just a silly thing. alright, i know i cant do anything now, just hope somedays he wakes up.
then i think he will find me if he wants... ai~ i wont let it happens again.

today i chated with junming, just long time havent chat, haha
then we talk about the 1 st event ... i can see that we both growth alot =)
so nice... and we can talk about the past , just feel funny~ haha
i think hum,... when may , june , aug , also the beginig on sep i still feel a bit bad with the past of us..
cant face it directly ... but after chris, and now i can say that junming and me are real friend now,
no more embarrased . i ask him to treasure his girl now, haha.. he responds so well~! yahoo~!
i dont worry for him, coz when we chat, i can see he really be much mature now~!
but his heart still like the past , a nice guy leh~ haha.

next week , i will have bio exam .
hope i will have a better result.. and i promised that i work harder.
dont worry, i will make it true . ;)

>>January 26, 2004 at 4:14:39 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 25 日 星期日 【晴】

Last night, i go on line ( icq )
then i saw a friend, that one i used to think is a big cheater ... but i found that he isnt.
i greet him, happy new year, but he scold me....
anyway, he thinks i am a unfaithful girl... i feel so sorry about that....
he said he wont forgive me ... he doesnt wanna me to disturb he anymore...
i just explain again and again ... but he doesnt trust me...
i know i deal it ... just damn bad... but .. i havent mean anything...
he thought i meet another guy behind him, but i still kept that promise.
i used to thinnk he just cheat me , play me, so i dont really care what he said , and i think after 1.5 year
i maybe cant go sg to study...
so he wants me after 1.5 years go sg and be his gf... but it's not that possible.
one day , his friend ( i used to think is him ) told me to break all promises,
that means we dont have any after that day... but after a week he told me that's his friend, isnt him
, then he said we still keep that promise... i think at that time, i can sure that who i love is chris not him.
i try to reject him, but cant... he just like forcing me ... and i cant persude him.
but that time chris and me still havent go together, so i still havent tell him...
i also think that he just cheat me.
so i didnt care about him... i told chris about this guy, chris scold me... i know i was so wrong... and
also i dont know what happened actually, it's all so blur , very shady ... it's my fault,
but i am not unfaithful on him ... i just did very wrong .... i am so sorry about that...
last night i prayed, i cried, i said sorry god, i didnt know about it , i just hurt a true guy which is your
be loved one ... he is so real , not a cheater ...
i was damn bad to treat him like that it was so unfair to him ... i cant do anything now, he just hate me.
i'm not asking for what , but just hope someday he will understand i'm not meaning unfaithful
not meaning to hurt him , to cheat him. i thought shouldnt i tell himn the truth for long time...
coz i know after i tell him i had a bf , he will be very angry ... but i still tell him, coz i dont wanna lie
to him, ... but now ... is like that bad. okok i accept that he hate me very much.
i ask god is it just coz that i hurt his lovely son, then god hurt me and chris? i dont know...
but now at least i know i am so sorry about what i did... so sorry...

just now we went pizza hut with my family and relatives ... that was nice.
and i watch a movie 我的野蠻女友 .

裡面 ... 有兩位主角 , 一位是牛, 一位是她 .
我覺得最感動的是她和他當中的約定 ... 那棵樹下的蛋...裡面的兩封信.
然而他們兩個的相知相識... 一個個搞笑笑的事件中,卻帶出她背後感人的等候, 和他的痴心.
兩個人啊,簡直就是一對 ... 他最終都是醫好了她的傷 , 原來她要等的那個從未來來的人就是他.
要他最想的與眾不同的也就是她了 ... 他很了解她的一切 ... 他們兩個人相處的時候很開心,
她在他身上找到了已死的男友的影子,可是她仍活在過去 ,而他卻為未來而努力.
就是因為這樣她覺得愈是喜歡他就愈是感到內疚...內心的那人就愈是妒忌他...
最終他們在一列火車面前結束了他們的關係, 卻建立了一份承諾...
2 年之後他到了那樹去應諾 , 她...卻沒有出現...如是這...他不斷的去看她會不會出現...
1 年之後.. 她在樹下遇上一位伯伯...伯伯告訴她有關他常常來...
之後...奇蹟地在一次偶爾的機會下...重遇了.

感人吧!!! 對不?!!!
有信念的人死不了這是這種...
然而天要你們在一起...那又怎會不成全呢?
好好的想想吧... 最近我也在想這個問題...但是靜靜的等待是我最想的工作.
我...安於現況...等待著主給我的答覆. 恐怕...沒那麼快有答案了.不怕,我有的是主.
祂會為我準備好的. 感謝主~

>>January 25, 2004 at 4:49:20 PM GMT+8

2004 年 1 月 23 日 星期五 【晴】

2 days havent go on line....

感覺就是覺得...好像放假了般, 沒有上網的日子,跟家人相處的時間長了.
真真正正的給了所有時間他們囉~ 有點悶的, 可是 ... 也不能總是忽略他們吧.
我年三十晚上來之後就再沒有上來了.
我想以後都會是這樣... 我不會再把所有的時間都放在網上了.
網上的朋友們也許會在我工作的時候才見到我 on line了~ 這當然也會杜絕了很多"機會"
hum,... 但是人是會大的, 由第一天我長 on line 時我就已經知道網友絕對有散去的一天,
特別是愈多網友就愈要面對這問題... 到我和junming的關係好起來的時候我就更意識到了.
我害怕離去, 所以 ... 就只好一直用大量的時間去買回一些相處的時間..這不知算不算是珍惜呢?!
可是,... 我覺得...網絡裡面, 有人離去,有人加入,永沒有所謂的停下,完結.
一個故事的開始之先,就先有結束...有時候許多個離離合合都是同一時間的...
我們又可以說什麼呢?
我身邊有我最需要的家人, 也有我一些很寶貴的朋友...除此之外,還有一些些距離我很近的東西
事件等待我去完成去做...... 我又怎可以只留在網絡裡面每天跟朋友 so so 呢...
就算我想, 也不可以的 ... 有人與人的相交就會有感情.. .. .. 有感情就會有愛的存在.
但總會有些感情是不應該建立的. 就算你有勇氣 , 你有信心 ,有能力 ... 但你敵不了許多因素.
有人問網戀給我們帶來了什麼 , 我總結就是... 什麼意見都沒有. 因為實在有好多人在評論吧.
我曾經答應過 ... 大概不會再在網上交男朋友的 ... 不是因為受騙, 而是太多的無奈, 因素..
那不是人可以掌握的, 也不是那點點的勇氣, 信念 ,能力可以突破的.
我自問自己也沒什麼信心可以遇到一個跟自己也是一樣的人... 而且很有可能只是
這2次是我好運, 下一次可能就到我要去放棄了 ...
我會好好的安排自己的時間, 好好的為自己的理想做好的了 =)

另外 , 看到朋友的留言 覺得有點心酸呀 ... 怎麼了??? 我的樣子笑起來沒以前那麼開心嗎?
以前的是小朋友笑容嘛 , 天真可愛~ 哈哈!! 但是現在了, 知道了苦練的味道 ...
怎麼也不能扮開心吧. 可是我自己又看不出有什麼大分別...也許是因為自己看自己的關係吧.
anyway , 笑中有淚 , 不懂淚也怎會有笑? 不懂難過又怎來喜悅?
很久沒有跟你們一起玩玩了 , 5D 何時再出去玩呀? 看 ! 沒有你們我就不能活了 ~
立即不可愛了 ... 怎麼辦啊? 我要快些約你們出來了~~~ 我好想再去 camp 啊 ... 好想念上次.

childhood 離開我好遠也~ 可是我還是一個小小的小丸子啦~ 哈哈~
從未聽說過小丸子沒童真對不? 所以不用擔心的 =) 我還是原來的我啦~
我是一個很雙子的雙子. 所以 castor 這名字真的很貼切.

我想念所有的朋友呀!! ^^

>>January 24, 2004 at 1:51:04 PM GMT+8