you know... just now, i was thinking of him, then he finally appeared.
i dont want to move my eyes away from his name. i was thinking that maybe he would disappear
anytime.
his nick is about " lost in translation , from the language of the heart to the language of the mind " .
he is lost. but i dont know it's serious or just kidding. but i feel like he's not fine.
i typed out the things , which is my heart asking me to tell , but i havent sent.
i was worried to get him angry, affraid he would hate me.
long time havent seen him on line... it's hard to stop thinking of him. coz i know he is so important for me.
i mean i still cant forget him, he means a lot to me.
Happy that Joey remember more now...
but, since her remember more, i feel that she will become sad again.
anyway, she wants her memorries, and i understand that 3 years are not a short thing...
so... i just help her to memorries them... let see what will jesus do.
just now, i go mark down all my passwords in the webct.
in the schedule, there's a day of each year till 2010 that is marked that all.
if anyone got my webct password, then he/she will know all of my password.
then if someday i've gone, or just lost my memorries, plx help me to access them to contact my friends
that i am gone or lost already. so... you know who got my webct password?
heehee... is someone. someone knew it already, but dont know that person still remember or not.
hope when it's in need, the person still remember that i have told the password to that person.
but how to contact that person... hum,... i dont know.. it's the fate.
anyone who is smart enough, she/he will finally find that person out.
just try to find that person for help if i'm lost or gone.
yea, i'm ready to go... reday to lose my memorries.
today, i got back my result in Writing, it's fair... 94.5 points. it's A grade, but i know i havent done perfectly.
anyway, it's just the start, i got to carry on ~ yea!
and in BA, i have not much confident, but i know i have to get A also, and also Bio, gotta get A/B.
last time Bio was bad, just got D ... so bad... so i gotta move on faster.
and... in music... i havent confident at all, but i will try my best, best best best~
so as to get 3.3 GPA in the total course, i gotta take 3.0 this term.
ok ... i got to study now.
and hopefully, perhaps that i will feel better in love, in god, coz i still feel hard.
and hope joey is alright, jackie fine, queenie,...all of my friends, 5D are really fine too.
of course my family~
tomorrow after school, i will take drink with rechel , we will meet at starbucks, have a nice day...
and chris also... hope he is fine.
>>February 23, 2004 at 12:16:44 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 21 日 星期六 【晴】
Today is still okay la...
i work with my own self... coz is the "eggs" again...
today, not too busy, so i can handle it by my own, without anyone.
but at the end, i still got chance to go "chickens" haha...
when i was there, i feel so helpless... coz Tim wasnt there , didnt stand by for me.. haha!
he left, hum,... i was affriad, coz he didnt there to help... we used to corperate together.
( when i need help... i am so careless ) so, he wasnt there, just like... lose one hand.
he is different from other helpers, different from the aunties, different from other crews,
coz we can corperate smoothly, but others just sometime dont know what they want,
i cant match them, also they dont.
Since i saw joey, i knew that she isnt too worried, i feel better too.
just hope that somedays she will remember all. i know she wants to know more about he past..
i will try my best to tell... try to give some traits... i am sad, coz i have those memorries, but she hasnt.
now, i know i got to share those with her =) that means try to give her back those things.
i dont want to be so upset... coz this is the fact, no one could change... what i can do is try to help.
and ... we still have hopes. we have to try.
by the way, i called benny for 3 times in bus, but he just cut the call... hang off... ai...
i dont know what happened...maybe i shouldnt call him at that time? coz it's 9:15 already.
i thought he 's maybe free... but i dont know..anyway.. i snet him sms, but no responds
hum,... dont know ar.. let's see.
coz last time he got accident, i was worried for him quite much. he is so careless ...
just like me,..hum,...i wanna go counter, but still havent chances...
but this is my goal ... and finally i wanna go mc cafe.
how long will it take to achieve? i think maybe it's a long term going.
but i stilll have to wait, try... keep doing the best thing for the customers.
although i am not the seller one, i still have my part.
ok la... i will try hard.
in my studies,... i am so affraid for the music and bis... ai... so hard. bio isnt easy too....
anyway, got to work hard.
about chris... i havent seen him there on line for long time ago...
that means... no news from him... also his friends... since last time we talk, then i 've never chat
with his friends... except wuhao. wuhao is different, coz he is my good friend too.
but how about minit? hum,... seldom see her on line, so no chances.. and kaytee always busy?
anyway, seems like i'm not welcome to her. so i seldom talk with her.
i still cant get over what his friend told me, the maxtom, so... i dont wanna chat with him also...
anyway, i cant get over it. i think maybe unless i see chris by real, i cant really get over this.
i gotta see him. is must. i must see him, besides, i cant forget , cant stay off from those events.
hum,... yea, miss him.
hum,... tomorrow got morning lesson... and still have assignment... gotta stop.
in god... i got to have faith. i cant lose my faith.
castor, beware. and do you believe that god will prepare the best way for you?
yes, i do. sure he will... then, just do your part, thern all the things will be fine.
>>February 22, 2004 at 5:41:19 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 20 日 星期五 【晴】
i just back home...
today, i go work,..then...i meet joey, vincent, and their friends go home together.
coz they went tst tonight...
on the way, we try to talk,... but a bit strange.... i feel so sad..not angry at her, not meaning to blame her,
but i really cried in front of her.. i feel so guilty..i made her feel so hard ! but i really cant take it..
i feel so hard too... when i was working, i mssed her so much... i just cried , then Tim (the boy who is
my nice parter) saw me and some workmates just asked me i was okay or not...
i dont know... i know i had to control myself, i kept asking myself to calm down... but...anyway...
i dont know. i think joey will remember something about me... but may not be all.
she tries hard to remember all, but when i see her hardness, then my heart hurt. i want to cry.
hum,.. i was thinking, if somedays i lost my memories, then how... who will do that for me...
will anyone accompany me ,to help me or whatever?! who will that person? people?
i think memorries is equal the stories that happened. if someone lose his memorries, then he lost his past.
i force myself to dont forget my past, dont forget every songs, every meaningful things that happened..
coz i treasured them a lot, they 're all my own stories, they are me .no one can steal them... but god can.
if somedays i cant find out my key for brain anymore... i 'm finished.
so... all will be finished.
i am so sad that like all my friends left me... when i found jackie, 5D, Queenie, ...they left.
when start my new life with chris, he left. when i found that church is so important, they mean so much
for me, but they left...when the first seme end,... tracy, one of the best schoolmates left, then joey left,
nikita left... now... joey cant go another place, but she lost her memories...
who i tried hard to develope the relationship, who are taken away by god.
not the life is taken , but just blocked.
is it the black luck that telling me ,i was so wrong?!
i used to block people whoes want to be friendly to me... but i just changed myself for so long..
i try to accept people, try to trust them deeply, i try to give all to my surroundings... but now...
i just cant accept that the fact is like this! what can i do... i dont want to see anyone to leave...
i dont want to see ,dont want to sense people clearly... i can feel they're so frake.. i hate that..
but what can i do...
now, i got chance, Ivy(from church) try to be close to me, she wants me to be stable in god...
but should i accept her actions? or just block her from heart?! i am so confused now...
i hope her will be fine soon.
>>February 21, 2004 at 4:50:41 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 19 日 星期四 【晴】
JEWEL LYRICS
"Hands"
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands
>>February 20, 2004 at 7:01:31 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 19 日 星期四 【晴】
today i take my lesson.
then i go out with recheal... we talked a lot... i know her more, and we had a good time at delifrance.
she is very friendly actually, glad to have this friend.
but, when i back home... around 9, vincent called me,
told me the news about joey... the bad news.
then i cried. just like lost a good friend again...
i dont want to mention too much.. coz it's meaningless.
maybe it's good for her to forget all about the stuffs with vincent... coz she really felt very bad in it...
if she didnt lie to me. i dont know shouldnt i try to help her remember all... coz it was so hurtful.
if i can, i may wanna lose my memorries also.
but i told wuhao that, he just warn me that up to me if i want to let my family, frenz sad and disapointed.
i just lost temper at him... i scold him, i felt he didnt trust me.. but he explained to me... i know i was
too much... last time, chris didnt trust me, he said something bad, so mean... so i was so depressed,
disappointed at him and i thought that wuhao was standing on his line for him. so...i had a bit
hard feeling on both of them. anyway... wuhao taught me so much.. got to thx him.
i can feel that he is innocent. he just go to sleep, but still on line. he left the autor message in msn to
tell people (i think is me) he went to bed already... he didnt do this before... this is the first time i've seen.
why he went sleep but still on line... i think... maybe it's coz of waiting for someone to give him message?
maybe it can help someone who wanna give him messages? just wanna say thankz.
i prayed that i dont know should i perhaps she will remember me again or not...
coz if she can remember me, than she will remember vincent... ai... but if she cant remember him again,
then their story will be finished? or will have a new start? anyway... maybe it's nice for her to
forget the stuffs that made her feel bad before.
maybe we wont go singapore in may ...
i dont know will i go or not.. but i think she wont go with me if i still plan to go there.
but poor iris and jeffry maybe get troubles, big trouble... ai... i dont know...
i dont want to know...
i counted that at least 10 days i have been sad, or depreesed.
tomorrow i got to work ,sun work,, mon got presentation, tue got exams, but
my music assignments still havent been done, and also got to study hard for ba.
sometimes i think i cant treat her like a new girl... coz we were very closed.
but... what i want is to ... keep calm down in front of her. dont cry, dont be sad with her.
be careful of the words... and protect her from classmates. keep accompany her...
i wanted to tell chris about joey, and tell him i am really sad... but i didnt.
since i was crying on jackie, on wuhao, i have no time , no energy to tell queenie, tracy, nikita...
dont wanna tell benny before i calm down, although i wanna tell him when i am not okay...
and really wnt to tell chris. but when i think of him, think of the things he did he said,
i better stop myself... i think even i got very important things, i wont tell him.
i am not angry at him, but i really cant forget what he did and said. he hasnt wake up his mind,
told me rubbish, hurt me so much. anyway... i am sad, pain , but it doesnt his faults.
i miss him... so as to let him feel better, i do my best. i dont contact him anymore. even he find me,
i may not reply anymore. coz he give me up, give it up ; since he misunderstood on me, dont trust me,
my heart dead, broken. i admit i miss him so much, i still like him, but also heart broken.
i have no hopes on him, but wanna him well... that's all.
i havent tend to find a guy , and dont tend to accept one... i have no time, no heart to be a girlfriend.
and now, my works are studying very hard, working hard (maybe find another shop)
and accompany joey.
i dont expect her to remember what but perhaps she will be fine again.
i love her smile , love her laughter.
and i hope i will go the way that god has prepared for me... and totally i will got my dreams.
perhaps that we will be fine.
and my family is well.
>>February 20, 2004 at 6:46:37 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 18 日 星期三 【晴】
Last night i slept at 4:30 am so as to complete my BA paper.
i was really working hard for those which i am studying now.
you know, today, i hand around the exhitbition at the h.k.c.e.c. in wan chai.
last year, i went there with my schoolmates coz that was the function for all F.5 students in my old school.
Anyway, today i got a lot of information to tell me that my gpa is too few to be transfered the sec year university.
i am so depressed with it. i know my gpa is so few... they require 3.3 but mine only 2.39
erm,...i dont know what to do actually. i just know that i have to work hard, however i may be loss.
just start from today, i have to do better, prepare better for the classes. no more excuese can be accept.
I like the BA, and Writing. I hope to get A in them, and the Bio i hope can get B/C ,then the Bis ,hope to
get B, and the music also C/B. I will study hard. i have to study hard.
today, after all, me and joey walk in the street. we talk a lot. she shares her things for me, and me too.
i know we're so different, but we're both are kind one. haha.. actually, what i want to say is ...
we're not that weak. we have to be strong. the way isnt easy to go, but have to be brave and have faith.
she ask me about chris... if somedays we meet, then how? will i go hug him or just stay away from him.
i have no answers. i say i am so tough in every moments that i cant take over.
i can cover them, dont let them effect my school, family life so much, but i cant lie to myself.
why i can feel happiness during these months, coz i 've too tired already. i couldnt stand for that.
but happiness is so short. waked up, problems are still there...
what the problems are i dont know... i just know i am nothing in myself. sometimes i can feel i am so
busy, have many hopes, have plans, but i am still empty.
if somedays we meet, will i push him away? will i clap him ? will i go hug him? will i greet him...
joey told me, he's just like giving me chances. the right is in my hands. i didnt do anything wrong
but he did hurt me so much. so... if i really love him, she suggest i should go find him, talk to him.
but if i dont want this relationship anymore, then i better be kind to myself. stop to think of him.
i dont know... now... what is the most important thing is to get well results in gpa.
he means a lot for me i know... but i really cant take it easy what he did and said.
i know he still cares of me , i can feel it although we havent contacted each others for long time ago.
everytime when i think of it, i know why he stoped me to contact him.
but i just dont , dont want, also cant do anything. let it be...
i got my shoese today. and...
i have to plan about my schedule . i'm so serious. i have to study harder.
>>February 19, 2004 at 4:32:32 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】
Today, when i go take bus, i find that i ought to have around hkd $ 730 in my wallet,
but today there're only $ 530. ai ya... dont know where the money goes... maybe it's stolen...
i guess maybe was stolen by my workmates in mcdonald's or i just lost them in somewhere..
ai ya... $ 200 leh~~ >.<
today we go search for the information for the trip again in tsim sha tsui.
then i go to starbucks to have juice, wrote post cards and letter to them, i take a piece of cake also.
it's so nice, so releax. i love there also, if i have time to sit along. i stayed around 2 hrs at there.
then i wander around the harbour city.
i wanna buy shooses, it cost $ 711 after discount. it's expensive. before discount it's $ 800.
it's not really fashionable, but looknice i think. i like the style of it .
but if i compare with others, it's really expensive.
coz, my cousion's one cost around $ 800 before discount but it's much more fashionable... teens
all like that knid of shoses...but i dont care~ coz i love that shoses i chosen one.
hum,... now i lost my money, so i cant get that shoses now... so bad... i tended to buy them tomorrow.
but now just cant... aiya... too bad... tomorrow it'll be day off, so i meet ivy tomorrow for tea.
hum,... i have to finish my home test for music tonight, then tomorrow got to do the paper for business.
but i wanna go running tomorrow too. just see how's the time matching =)
however, i hope i can post out the cards soon. i have kept them for long long time ago~!
hum,... hope that i 'm still fine and will be better too.
today i sit at starbucks, think of many things... just plan about studying over sea.
i got to plan it well if i want to fight for myself. i will do some research ~
and do well my part start from now.
anyway, gotta stop.
castor, just work hard for yourself, dont need to care about other factors first.
just concentrate on your work ,which i mean is the studies.
dont make yourself regret. and go the way that prepared for you already from your father lord.
>>February 17, 2004 at 1:22:00 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 15 日 星期日 【晴】
today we disscus about the trip to singapore... haha...
maybe vincent and calais will go with us too~ it's welcome ~
anyway, we gotta plan it.
just now, my mom tell me maybe i cant go canada for the degree, coz of my grandma.
if i cant go there, then i cant get my bechelor degree actually... coz it's too hard, almost impossible for
my situation to go university here.... that means... i cant achieve my dream no longer...
i really want to cry...
my dad want me to quit my job, then concentrate on studies... after the associate, try to go bechelor,
if cant, then study for the business dip, then go work... it's not my want. i wont be the puppet.
he is totally wong! i have to get my bechelor! i have to get this!!! i cant give up, i wont !
how come my grandma has that power to stop me? how come she is so stubborn?!
why my realtives are that troublesome ?! why they told my grandma so much?! it's none of their business!
they dont have that power to stop me! Just stay off from me !!!
my aunt wanna me to go, she will help me,everything will be fine! she will take care of me~!
but why coz of the gossip then they change their mind?! it's so unfair....!!!!
i just wanna get more working experience before going to the society ! not coz of the money!
do you think that i really want to work?! it's really hard and tough! i still keep my spirit, coz i have
heart in it, i be sincere in it. i still have hope in my future~!
i have to fight with them...if i dont want to give up. i dont like to fight...
i have been obedient . if i do something that my parents dont like, i would feel guilty although the thing
is correct.
aiya... what can i do now.....?! i cant give up! i cant !!!!
i have to pray.. have to be stong for my dream! i cant be obedient this time!
i'm so sad... i cant give up...
i have to be strong.
last night, junming message me, he asked me something about the relationship with his girlfriend.
hope they're well.
i got to work hard ! i cant let my dream die !
i will be hard working ~ really hard working ~!
cant be lazy anymore...!!!!
>>February 16, 2004 at 1:44:03 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】
last星期五...
that day, i take my writing exam... that's good =) i think i prepare enough if i wanna got a fair result.
but if i wanna got a a grade..i think... maybe a bit hard.
anyway.. i have done my best. i am going to prepare for my bio exam and my ba paper, also music assignment.
on that day, i go to the wishing tree in tai po with joey after school... coz that day joey hasnt lesson,
then i meet her at the tai po kcr station... on the mtr, i saw a little boy, who is playing a bamboo flute...
it attracts me when i get in the mtr. he just sit near to the door, i passing over him, but still looking at him,
i give him a nice smile, he becomes so shy, but still whistling.. then i go back, sit opposite him.
i smile to him, you know, mine is always giving friendly contact with people.hoho~
then he smiles to me also! then he keep whiistling... so cute, i find him is very special and friendly .
i think i got to encourage him, coz i appreciate him. then i start to figure out a thing like a bird.
he asks me, am i folding a bird, i say yes, is for him... he becomes shy again! haha...
then, i told him i appreciate him, hope he will do better in it, and support him to work hard.
heehee~ i am like his sister.. haha! then,. i give him my bird before i get off the mtr.
he told me he folds worse than me... but i say his flute is great~! haha... anyway, i was really happy~!
i think i do a good job with that little boy~ coz he got other's appreciation. that's the possitive rainforcement.
^^ i know he would be some great man in it. coz i find he is so special...
he's like the book " little prince".. the little prince. he is a good boy.
anyway, then i go to the whishing tree with joey... we have a great time..
we make whishes... and the whishes are thrown on the tree tightly and successfuly..
i know i am a christain, so i dont believe in it. but i still doing it,
coz i wanna show myself, i wanna move on, dont wanna stop the steping. and... it's like
to pray to god that tell Him, tell my Father that i am really wanna make whishing...i really have hoping.
i am so sincere, and very seriours... i know i am peace now, no anger, also dont know how to anger.
but this peace, this long vacation of my thinking really tire me. i dont know what to do, dont know
how myself thinking, dont know all the things that i am doing now... just empty.
i dont want to lie to myself, but i also feel so tired, i dont want to think too much...all that's enough.
i am tired to think, also tired to dont think. sometimes, i ask myself... am i still missing him...
sometimes i just say.. castor, dont look back, then try to concentrate on others, maybe things, people,
notes, works... but sometimes, when i just calm down..i know i miss him. then i will blame myself,
how come he treats me like that but i still say yes , miss him.
then, there will be two sounds . one is telling he doesnt woth to be my bf. one is.. just let it go...dont look back plx.
that situation, sorry that i really let it go. although i know i miss him, but i will stop myself. stop all.
oh my father... i dont know he is that lasting one or not. i know at the begining maybe wrong.
but we were real , not acting. and the praying are real also, the answer is possitive... i still
dont know why is like that. actually, when he told me he might misunderstood, my heart broke.
i cant take it. how can he think that way huh...it really hurts ... then actually why i should stand for him?
it doesnt worth anymore.. i told myslef. i also cant find any reasons to stay in this "love", one way love.
but, i cant deny that we really have love in it ,so we both feel hurt... we cant be the real friend, still cant be friends ...
it doesnt coz of my anger, but himself . i dont know how to hate people, i dont know..
i cant hate, i dont know how to hate. in my world, there's only love, no hate...
i give up junming coz i know we cant go futher, we cant stand for each others ; although i cant adjust
that, and also dont want to admit that we really cant. we had so many bad feelings of each others,
so finally he gives up first, then me too. i tried to give out many ways to fix our problems, mend the
relationship, but it doesnt work, then give up is the best .
but how about now? ... i really dont know man...
i dont want to think, but i got to think.
last time, doesnt relate to the religon, so i dont care, just feel hurt, and ask for help in church,
around my friends, my 5D ... but now, coz it relates to god. i cant take it actually.
my friends leave, the gathering broken, i leave my old school also.. for me, all is new suddenly.
i cant i cant i cant do anything , i cant take my biggest support in church... i cant find my road.
i lost, i cant stand for myslef, i start to hate myself, i start to find out happiness, what happiness
i still have, i start to do a lot of things that i havent done before, so as to stop hating , so as to
make myself happy again, be shine again... i change a lot... but i know i am still what i am.
i am not happy. i just cover myself. does it matter? i dont think so...
if i dont cover myself, i cant get over it, i have to adjust it... but i have been so sincere to all, including myself,
i cant lie, i dont know how to lie. aiya... i am so confused.
the valentine's... i was working, so busy, i back at 1:00 am.
i was really tired... my valentine's is quite nice huh... i got some chocolates, coz of my workmates give me lor~ but really tired.
i worked almost 12 hrs. it's 11.5 hrs. at 2:30pm, i take a break,
then the sec break is at 10:00 pm. but i didnt know about it.. i didnt know it was 10:00 already...
but i left at 11:50 pm... oh man... i was schold....by my parents.
it is ok... last night, i called my best friend jackie although it was 12:06 am already..haha
and my friend joey, also the distance call for benny... cant call wuhao, cant call junming... haha
and then today before go work, i still have time, so i go to starbuck to take a juice first...
sit for 10 mins.. i love juice~ and... today, all is the forginer there. no hk-er except me and the staffs.
well, i just wanna find a nice place to sit, to rest, and to take my juice time =) that was so nice...
the weather is nice, sunshine, but not hot. the music is nice, soft, the drink is nice~ the juice~haha.
aiya... today is so busy also... i am so tired, my leg and foot is pain. when i go home after bus ,i walk hard.
i cant sleep well in these two night, although i am so tired...
i used to be that, cant take good sleep when the day i am too tired. and the , brain ,meantal keep working.
just feel bad. worse.
tomorrow i will have the bio class, hard one.. ai... then got to take a eng test after school.
then thinking that go to somewhere to buy shooses... anyway. really tired, although dont wanna sleep.
i gotta stop.
hoping the whishes will become true, although i forget what i wrote already.
and i think i dont need to remember them... and then... haha i really dont know next time when i go there,
how it's... coz last time i went with my aunts, that was the periord during Aug or Sep... before school.
and i still havent go with chris. but now, just finish with him. so fast.
dont know how's next time.
goodnight castor.
i know something that i dont want to admit.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
you know... just now, i was thinking of him, then he finally appeared.
Happy that Joey remember more now...
Someone who know