2004 年 3 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

Today, i go to ivy's home.

i wanna say...
我明白我在信仰的低潮中.
我要忍耐, 要學習愛神.

我知道我唯一可以做的就是去接受已發生的事,並且要去依靠神.
我會求主,讓我學習,可以做一個見證.
我不貪心的...而我的愛情...我可不再那麼在乎了.
愈是在乎我愈是痛苦.

我給自己一個短短的目標,那是3部曲.
1) 每天都給自己至少4小時去讀書.在讀書前後都有禱告.
2) 每天都要用5分鐘時間去靈修,而且要想出一件值得感恩的事.
3) 每天都要為到每天所學到的做一個5分鐘的 presentation.
直到這個seme的完結之前我一定要堅持下去的.

就讓主的力量再一次加到我的生命上.
我要重新跟主建立關係.
不要再受男女關係而再影響到我的信仰.

我期望我的成績會有一個明顯的轉變.
actually, 我希望藉此可以使我在信仰上重新得力.
對神重拾信心.

最終我覺得原來人是要不斷的"重新".
以前我不能接受自己一次又一次的"重新".
但是現在我不能否定它.

我也決定真的把我和他的事完全,真的完完全全的交上.
不再猶豫.
縱使我知道我們之間應該沒完結, 故事如何的發展下去倒真完主的安排.
從此,我就不再理會.

開心的生活,悲傷的生活. 什麼也,我都不理會.
只過一些我覺得舒服的生活.
別人怎麼想,我也不在乎.我只活在自己喜愛的空間.

>>March 3, 2004 at 11:43:05 AM GMT+8

2004 年 3 月 1 日 星期一 【雨】

Today i take the writing class from the blond instructor again~
haha... nice nice..

after that i meet tray to go monk kwok. she look for some books, and me
just hang around. then , i take mini bus to back home.
i know taking that to home is quite dangerous, but it doesnt matter .

hum,... considering buying the skirt from mistina that is quite expensive for me. $ 250 without discount.
or maybe let buy some eyeshadow and eyeliner from bodyshop, that cost $ around 200 after disscount.

actually last night, i just slept for 2 hrs. coz i cant sleep well. i was studying and just counting the budget
for the trip which i plan for the coming May. but now, i know i may not go there in may.
coz i may go in sep instead. you know why, coz of something and some people.
by the way, even i choose the may to go, there're still some problems with me.
just like the budget. i dont want any sponser haha. i got to pay all for myself.
hum,... let see what.

Amy, my first online schoolmate is going to utah for the rest of degree. that's good for her.
just leave sg then start the new life. good.

SINCE we've broken up , i cant face to my bible and the diarly bread.
but now, i know it's the new start , coz the old book was past. today we have the new one.
actually is yesterday... anyway, it's ok.
i start to read it again.

well, i got to prepare the BA exam, music exam and the computer exam in the coming week...
sigh......
and also the paper for bio.
sigh sigh...

tomorrow maggie , my sister got piano compettion. =) heehee.
missing him and all of my friends.
goodnight castor.

>>March 2, 2004 at 5:07:25 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 29 日 星期日 【雨】

today, i got my bio exam.
before exam, i have my lunch with my parents and aunties. nice meal.
but my little cousin Vicky got sick. i was worried for him. my aunty pick him up from school imediately.
woo... then i go to his home with him. he was fine. hum,... he is shy haha.. actually he is a nughty boy,
but dont know why, everytime he saw me, he become shy. but he 's never beeen shy to my sisters.
i love that little boy~ haha..

by the way, my exam is bad enough... i will not give up. i will work harder.
and now, i am going to plan my bio paper, and start studying for the Ba.

in student union, i take a hard job. but it's going from my heart.
i have to challenge someone for the future of su ,also for my people(my schoolmates).
let see... what will i do. i have to plan it well, prepare it well with my group.
anyway, we just do our part, try to say something to someone, possitively.

just now, i recieved queenie, one of my best friend's letter.
so thanksful. hum,... last time, i left her that messgae....hum,... actually i know it's quite hurtful.
but i think i got to let her know that she has to leave us alone, coz she cant really take it.
i dont want her feel bad at all. that's the only way for her to calm down herself.
i dont want her feel hard, but the fact is that she'snt the lord, she cant control all... so...
maybe she has to learn how to let go. i know she is very kind, helpful one, but she really
doesnt need to take care of us too much. that's too heavy. she isnt our mjum, even if mum wont do it.
that's what i think ,hum,... i just wanna protect her in this way. hum,... i dont know i am wrong or not.
but it's my aim.

anyway, today, edwin message me again. long time havent seen him.
he asked me to be his gf again. i said... before we meet, i wont make any decision.
he just wanna a chance for wooing. well, fine.
before chris, he asked many times already. but i just cant. coz i dont love him.
but now, you know what.. even if i dont really love that guy, i may accept.
just "like" for the feelings, but may not love. it's not good for me or that guy...
so, if i really decide to do so, i willl let that guy know first.
but, now, i know if i accept someone, it doesnt mean we will grow together till the end.
we maynot grow old together. we may not have future. just go for feelings, end with feelings.
well, it's not responesable, not mature in life, wrong in bible... but cant admit that is not abnormal.
by the way, if i dont love that person. we just go for fun actually.
hum,... not like a game, that's serious, but just go for what we need and want, except sex.
if somedays feel like really love, we can try, but if it's cant be, then stop.
nothing right or wrong.

coz i think my lasting love is waiting for me, also i am waiting for it.
but just dont know when it comes , let see what will jesus do right?! haha..
but now, i still have to learn how to love a person.
i dont know, maybe you think my points are rubbish, but i dont care.
it doesnt mean anything by the way i really love, really give out if that person isnt my true one.

goodnight castor.

>>March 1, 2004 at 4:11:14 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 28 日 星期六 【陰】

today, no working.
hum,... sleep a lot, coz so tired.
and a bit sick.

tomorrow have exam, after exam, still have meeting... ai....
anyway, i have to try my best.

tracy told me that she wants me to go interview in pizzahut, qiut the job in mcdonald's.
coz she thinks my manager wont let me go counter.
i think her thought is right. but i am still thinking about it.
hum, many factors are there, cant tell the detials.
anyway... let see.

goodnight.

>>February 29, 2004 at 3:27:47 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】

this is the reply for my friend 's diary:

Dear someone,

hum,...actually "let me go" is for myself...coz I feel lots of pressure. hope you understand that I know
you do care about me. hum,... I 'm not asking you to stay off from my life, not like this mean.
of course I need people to remind me. I do take people advice, and I would like to make dicesion by
myself. I’ve never never never regret about my past, although I got many hurts. I know they're my
experience. If I could choose, I would like to take them all again.
I’m the girl whose need large space to stay along. Yea, maybe you would think I just escape from
something... but I do want to take some space for my life. Didn’t follow you doesn’t mean I don’t
listen to you. I’ve never said that you won’t understand me, but the situation is totally different.
Who could ensure 100% that anyone could feel the same things with someone?!
I’m not asking you to stay off, but I just need some space. Thanks for advice, then start thinking,
and make decision... situation effects too much that we can’t control oneself thoughts.

If you feel hard to take care of anyone of us, just leave these stuffs. Actually, I must give thanks for
you. And I said that before I don’t want anyone cares me too much.
It’s not necessary will be fine. Trust me. I will be fine. plx don’t put on too much stuff. Everyone
got their own ways to go, you cant accompany them forever, cant be their mother forever, right?! just
leave them alone. they will growth. sorry, we will growth.

no matter how, I will be there for you, when you need me . take care girl.
hope you will be fine soon =)

castor.

>>February 28, 2004 at 6:20:33 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】

Today i am so tired, coz i got to work...
hum,... there're 4 freshmen in mcdonald's. they're pretty girls~
woo~ it's so unfair that 3 of them can skip staying in the kitchen. but how about us...
last time, we asked about going counter, the manager told us that we ought to stay here to learn more
before we go counter. it's the schedule... what?! oh man... but what's the sihfff the manager meaning today?!
ah-....--...------ hum,....i know they're pretty, but so what.
anyway, i will ask them again soon.

tomorrow i take a leave, coz i wanna study , i think i wont have enough time to prepare for the bio exam.
perhaps i can do better. but i know it's abit hard for me right now... coz the timing and other factors.
anyway, i will try my best. i wont give it up.

finally the phone call has been connected to Benny. so glad that can chat with him when i was on way
to home. hum,... i know that he is so careless, then he got hurt again~ ai... plx take care la. haha..
and,... thanks for him anyway =)
hope he will be fine soon~~~ plx plx plx take care.

hum,... let's talk about the day i was in mcdonald's. haha... Tim is a cute boy actually
although he looked older than me... but i think maybe i am the older one.
anyway, working with him is fun and save.
he always help me when i feel hard for some procees, he just help me all if it's under the possible
stage. and i am so careless, he help me so much when i did somethin wrong during procees...
always...haha. ... and we always help each others, good partner.
At first, we seldom talk, but now, we can make jokes. by the way, he is too shy.

hum,.. Fung is a kind boy, but he got jealous ,haha! coz Tim always help me~ haha! then he got to do
all the things, no one help him~ haha! that's why he got jealous i think~ maybe?! haha..

Dark is a kind girl, her background is a bit hard... anyway, she is one of my friend there.
coz not all is kind there, some people are not nice.

Netaly(i dont sure the spelling of hers) , she is my best friend there. coz we join in together, although
we 'd never known each others before~ but she treats me so well~ so sweet~
she said she wanna me to be her sister, although we havent meet so long.
she told me that she feels so nice being with me~ heehee... she is so talkative... never stop one~haha.
but i dont care. it's her selling point~! haha!! "selling point" ...haha..

Jane is nice, but i remember that one time, that was my sec working day, she was my partner.
she scolded me when i did wrong. however, we still talk a lot , say hi ...whatever when we meet in
any conner =)

hum,.. those aunties treat me not bad =) coz i am very polite one~ heehee.
althoug we havent meet so long, i can feel that they treat me well already. coz i always did wrong...
but thay still like teaching me, forgive me, chating with me =) give me smile~ woo~ thanks.

other crews are partly nice to me. some people not too close, but it's soso... hum,... yea, partly.
coz i dont know too much people actually. one girl called Soso is from mc cafe. she is so nice~
we just meet at the resting room that day, then we chat, coz we have break at the same time there.
she is so nice~! anyway, perhaps that we will coperate soon =), as soon as possible.
otehr crews... fair la.. sometimes nice, sometimes arent.

i like to work with Tim, Fung, Dark, Netally, etc... heehee.
i told joey that Tim is not bad, then joey asked me i loved him or not..haha...she said if love, then go on.
hum,... not that love. but happy feelings and wanna work with him.
the working is so dry sometims, i need someone to talk to me or to listen to me.
anyway, it'snt that love. it's the one of happiness when you feel like "like".
i told him about my sadness one time. then... he seems shocked , when he saw me cried,
then the caller found it also, the caller talk to me... he just keep silent and watched me.
haha i knew that he understand something. at first , he asked me is really 好朋友 or boyfriend
( that kind of 好朋友) in chinese, we always puting 好朋友 this term in stead of bf.
nope.. of course a girl , she is a girl...that was my answer.
but start from today i think he wont care about me so much, coz here we come some pretty girls~ haah.
see you guys on next week~

goodnight castor.

>>February 28, 2004 at 6:18:10 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 26 日 星期四 【晴】

today is the day off... i havent go out alone...
wake up, eat out with my parents... then mum and me hang around .
we go to the market too... then go back.
when i got back, i felt so tired... then i sleep for awhile.

hum,... nothing at all. i will go off soon tonight. so as to prepare for the coming exams.

daddy asked me to send my first seme result to my aunt in canada.
finally he told me to do that... i dont know it's good or not..
but of course i explained that we have to wait for the whole associate result...
and... i just explained the situation here, and how the application will be to him.
perhaps that i really can go there.
actually, i just wanna study oversea. canada is a good place for my further steps of my dream.
i remembered that chris asked me i could stand for the place for myself to study.
if i choose canada for studies, then he may go there too. but he wanna me to go singapore.
he doesnt want to go there. but all just past.. hum,...hum,...
now, no one can stop me to fight for my future, what i mean is no one can stop me go there,
* except my daddy and aunt there. i think chris wont stop me too.
he told me before that if two people really love each others, then nothing can stop them,
even though one at the usa, the other one at the canada, there're still nothings can stop them.
that's what he told me when he explained himself when we break.

weekends gotta work... hum,... i think i will apply in delifrance and starbucks just after may.
coz i may go singapore in may... and i may can apply to the mc cafe in april.. that's why i will
apply the job in delifrance or starbucks after may.
maybe just in june or july.... still have to plan about it.

goodluck for everyone.
i know my dear instructor, miss grace go back malaysia. there're something happened in her family.
we will see in next class on fri. hope she will be alright.
last night, queenie just go off suddenly.. i dont know why... maybe she is angry at us?
hum,... i dont know...
miss you all.
god bless.

tomorrow before work, i wanna go watch the doves and buy some food...
coz i dont wanna eat mcdonald's anymore in the working days.
castor got to work hard~

>>February 27, 2004 at 1:40:31 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 26 日 星期四 【陰】

Today I havent take the first lesson...
i meet Shan go to scholl together, when we arrived the hung hom,
then we both dont want to go to school, then we go walk around tsim sha tsui.
hum, that's the early morning in tsim sha tsui...
long time havent been there when the morning. it's fresh and so nice.
there's a busy place, many cars, many people, but in the morning there's peace.
no much noise, so nice morning... just like go somewhere new.

we walked, we chated, we seat at the habour, talk a lot, then we go to starbucks to have coffee.
yea, that was pretty nice... than before i go take ferry to causeway bay, we go see the doves
at the habour... when i saw them, i feel so peace, and very nice feeling. hum,... i cant forget my
things, but i just put them away... i dont dare to play with them, but i stay near them.
i like them... i told shan, i really wanna go travel. i need to rest.
we talked about the life and future... well...
we both agree that we're so free, and very releax... and just enjoy the life style...
by the way... i have my things. this business cant be fixed by anyone now....
shan also find my changed... hum,... i got nothing to say... i have to accept my changed.
this is me, castor. none of you can deny that, right?! haha...
i feel so strange too, but i really changed a lot.

after this, i go causeway bay alone, i meet nikita, joey, calais and vincent to have lunch together.
long time havent seen nikita and tracy, i tried to call tracy, but she was sleeping...
i wanna tell her the news from joey... but no chances...
anyway, i will call her as soon as possible.
tomorrow morning i wanna go to the wishing tree.
i dont know why, i just know i need space, time to breath. Breathing deeply.
i know people feel dissapointed at me.... but ... i ....hum,.... i have no excueses man...
just want to say " plx let me go... "
i feel so hard ... i dont want to give up... so i choose this way.
when tired, go to rest, when tired, go rest, take break.
why not?! just be kind to myself. i know studies is important... but if i dont skip this class,
i sure i wanna die at class. coz the instructor is too nice. unfortunately, his method isnt suitable to me.
i got to find out my way to study in it... hum,... yea, of course i am worried, but i have to try other methods.
just try to study it in home, then ask him questions in school... must be better than his method.

i know i will have the Ba exam soon! i have to start the preparation now, just after the bio exam i think.
hum,... maybe i will start from tomorrow. i will get at least B+ in it, if i study very hard.
yeash~~~yeash~ i have to do the best preparation !
but the bis and music... aiya... so hard ar.... i wont give up, but just keep tring.
tomorrow i will go to tea with my mum and grandpa in law. so morning i may go wishing tree.
then after all, i will go home to study in my bio and ba.
hoping that in sat and sun, i can finish the assignments that supossed to be done long days before.
they're the music. i have to finish them for the preparation of the coming exams.
see?! i havent give up my studies, never.
i have confident in them, also got the heart in them too~ so i do will study hard.

however... i miss him i know... but i will do nothing before i reallly ensure what god want me to do,
go what step He prepared. so... hum,... i kknow, i do understand how my tough is... but
just got no ideas right?! then... better dont do anything before i really ensure what.in these days,
i feel so pressed, bad... but i have to accept, i have to understand this, take it over... but i still allow
myself to miss him, to have that hard feelings, coz i 'd never force myself to do what...
*except what he asked me dont to. hum,... yea, that's it. perhaps i will hear something soon,
when i start my new spirit life... i got to be renewed... but ... hum just pray, and wait.
wait for god. wait for whatever.. haha.
i love him, i love Him too, although i dont know how to face both of them.
He is the only one that can be my lord. and he is the only one to make me feel like god is the only
lord between us. i can see Him in us. what i say is true... although i know we're both facing the hard
stuffs, i still be clear, watch clearly that god is hereby . i still 'd never be the ghost even though we're
really separated. however, i cant deny what i am facing now is too tough.
and i still havent the exact answer from Him, then i dont want to do anything now.
just wait for Him, not him.

in church... i know something from celia.. and... i just knew that mimi left and changed to another church too.
hum,... now i know why no one mentioned about her when chating... ok...
ok...i'm the only one who still stayed... ok.... fine....
it just pressed me again... ai.... how come....*sigh...
mr.Choi wanna leave before, but they stoped him... and now, church changed a lot i know... they
invite me again... but... i wanna wait. let see, let listen clearly what the spirit say.
god bless... i wanna go back ... but i cant... coz too hard...
perhaps to be back, but still cant. god bless...

>>February 26, 2004 at 5:44:31 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 24 日 星期二 【陰】

erm,... today, glad to meet celia , we had a nice tea, but i feel sad with her events.
hum,... her classmates are too stupid and just like foolish althoug they come from the band. one college.
anyway, i give my pet cat to celia, tell her that i 'll be always there when she need me, in any time.
she cried... aiya.. haha.
she is one of my best friend. i wont let anyone to bully her. but she is very sober.
althoug she is so sad, she still got her bf to give her the biggest support, of course she hasnt forget
what the bibble say. god gives her the most strength.
i know the people are fools, idiots... anyway, there're some people that very free, nothing to do,
then try to do bad things...
i feel like that it doesnt coz i dont want to forgive them, but i think they're not the childen anymore, why
do the follish things to hurt others? even today she doesnt investigate, but they still attacted her.
oh man... she has a lot of hard feelings in those events. i hope she is alright...
she told me she doesnt want to go to school... that means, she is escaping from them?!
it doesnt worth! she got to repeat the eng ce, she got that ce soon... now perhaps she will be fine.

i am thnking if somedays i got that attactions, then what will i do for it...
i remember that chris told me his story that he really didnt charge that man althoug that man did too
much bad things to him, left him so many bad memorries, he hasnt charged him.
his heart was soft although he is so angry at him.
so,... i suggest celia to investigate, at least she will know who is the "black hand".
if i were her, i would investigate, at least i need the truth. but i will forgive that person.
i may not charge that person, but i will talk to that person, try to be friend with that person.
so as to let that person know, what he/she did is rubbish, he/she doesnt need to do that.

besides, i saw miss wong, sharwn too... sharwn and celia said i am different from the past.
last time they saw me was in christmas party in lsc. from dec to now...2 months.
i know i changed a lot... and i can feel it also. they say i look pressed, not like that happy castor.
i looked mature than the past, and much siilent one. i cant deny with their observation.

today i was in lsc, i back... and i feel strange in it... i havent much nice feelings, but ... ... ... i know
i got much good memorries there. there is my sec home... but today, i got nothing much .
the mind, the view is different from the past. i dont know it's nice or not.
but i know i am so different from the past. i miss the school, but when i back, i got nothing much.
it's really strange.
people are different, things are different, time goes on.
i 'd never allowed to catch up the past were gone and the people were out.
when i think back the days i was there, it's so warm, and my tears flow.
i miss my friends so much.
i miss them, coz they're the best in my mind.

last night i was thinking should i go to sg in may, i have thought of this for long time ago...
joey said i should, queenie suggested me just to do what i want to do. friends are nice...
always suggest me, allow me to do what i want to do...
i wanna follow what my heart tell. but i still have to pray in it right?!

i want to reply something to my friends...
actually i havent regreted, never regret for what i did especially in love with junming either chris.
i am a tough girl, dont want to be hurt anymore. this is now what i can see on myself.
maybe someone will think it's not in the spirit. by the way, it doesnt mean to revenge or un-forgive.
i just want to stand for the right. even though the events are not occuring on me.
if i were the core, i may not investigate too deep, but i need the truth. it depends....
however, i am not a happy girl now... since the day i said i have to leave my old castle...
i'm not the little girl anymore. but i still have hopes.
why i write so long diary, is coz i want to write. no one ask anyone to come,
it's always welcome for my friends, but not for the people who expect alot.
yea, i am so free, so that i have so many thing to write.
i'm not a writer, if you wanna read good article, there'snt a good place for you.
just stay off from my place.

>>February 25, 2004 at 5:13:07 PM GMT+8

2004 年 2 月 23 日 星期一 【陰晴不定】

今天感覺上舒服了些, 可能今天是我的 weekend 前夕.
我真正的weekend 是星期三. 星期六日是我的"實習"期.

過去一個星期都過得非常的快, 其實自從我上班開始, 時間就時光飛逝的過...
難得的是我每星期仍有時間靜下來, 去tea一tea, 有時候一個人坐下來,有時候同relchel,
在這段時間裡面,是最releax的時候. 有時候after school, 也會跟joey一起到處走走,
可是就是沒有機會約 jackie, 呀shan, 婷婷,芝芝..但是明天我約了婷婷.
婷婷遇到了麻煩, 是她在靈風有史以來最難過的一年... 在這時候,我不能不理她.

有時候自己一個人是很releax的, 因為什麼人都不在時, 就可以毫無顧慮的去思想.
有朋友在不是不好, 可是我會把注意力都放在朋友身上,照顧對方的需要.
除非是jackie,或是認識了許久的5D 或是我以前一起玩的幾個女生: 芝芝,婷婷,施衡...
我們習慣好free, 一時的時候有相聚的,有獨立,有玩,有閒聊, 有談心..好free的.
最大的support 也是來自她們, 5D. 因為5D是..一個最讓我成長的地方.
現在, 人大了,所需的個人空間相對的大了不少. 我會喜歡獨處的時間.

今天在 starbucks , 跟relchel一起, 我一直在聽她的事, 她的背景. 我覺得她對我很信任.
我感到很開心, 也許我們可以建立一份友誼, 但願是真心的一份友誼.
我不會讓自己跟她的關係建立在外在的因素. 我想, 其實她也怕認識一些"互相利用"的朋友.
放心啦, 我對她是真心的建立, 不是在於她的背景等等. 因為我問過自己一個問題:
如果有一天 relchel 不再是我現在的風景裡看到的她, 那我會不會對她的真誠減退...
我不會對她的真誠減退.
我相信她需要一些真心的朋友. 我但願她以後所承受的考驗不會太重.
希望她能夠 make it easy.

我明白到,每個人都有一個人的背景,所以才會有不同的人.
在這個世界裡面, 有許多不同的人擔當著不同的角色... 在選擇朋友時,同時人家也在選擇你.
如果可以不計較, 不看重任何條件去認識,信任身邊的人,每一個都可以成為我的好朋友.
我不會選擇,因為我不配有這個權力.
我是一個很愚笨,需要人照顧的人...有時候我看事物會看得天真. 有點不實際.
但是生活中如果太實際, 那只是一種痛苦. 如果可以,為什麼不讓自己活得自由點, 愉悅點.

真誠會使自己美麗,信心會使自己勇敢,
笑容使人年輕, 獨處會訓練人的修養 ,
從眼神能看出一個人的內心. 外表可反映一個人的內涵. 一個笑容,一個眼神,
可以感到一個人的真誠,修養. 一個步伐就足以看到一個人的光芒.氣質就是這些.
假裝...只是一刻. 真實才是永恆.
美不美麗...最重要的是有沒有一顆如火如鑽石般堅硬,燦爛的心.
那是溫而不火,但卻永遠長存...那會不會就是主所喜愛的一顆童心?

我只想好好的生活下去, 好好的享受我的生命, 多關愛身邊的人,事.
stand for the rights.靜靜等待主為我所預備的.
what we need in this world is the touch of love.
我不覺得開心是因為沒什麼值得我可開心,興奮. 好像已經忘記了那份心動的感覺.
但每天都感恩. 因為平凡而有反省.
要把握每一刻的心動...在都市中要好好的把握那一刻的心動...

>>February 24, 2004 at 2:46:18 PM GMT+8