today at class... i lost my temper to my dear instructor and my dear classmate.
i was really pressed... during the music class. coz they're too tough for me to understand..
i try hard to finish the classwork... but all wrong. the instructor came to me, just say... "wrong."
then... i became silent... i know that i had no peace in my heart that moment...
i wanna cry everytime he said "wrong"
and really wanna cry when he laughed at me, maybe he was just joking...
but i hate it... coz it makes me cry. i havent teared. but ... just wet wet ..
then i became very moody, blamed him, staed at him , try to embarrass , press him.
when he asked me question... i never respone, but give him a sound "哼".
coz he hasnt told me the skill to finish the work, then he laughed at my ability... mad.
i need the help... but he cant help me, he doesnt help me. dame bad.
and my classmate... that make me really angry.. at that time, he just keep talking rubbish to noone.
all is disturbance... is rubbish. then i told him to "shut up". ... then... he started again..like a machine.
i forget when , but he said " GOD DAMN " ... i think that what a shit it is?! i asked him
"do you think you have power to say this?! what god damn you're meaning now?"
just crazy.... then joey stop me coz i'm chrisain... i stoped, kept silent. but joey helped me to blame him.
after the first lesson, we went to festival walk to have lunch together, 4 guys... then wait for joey.
she got a presentation today there. during that, i bought myself a present for the coming valentine's.
it's cinderlia from disney. no one would give me a present that day... so i bought myself one.
it's like a dream story for myself... that's the beautiful story... i like it so much.
anyway, then we go back to take the sec lesson, bisiness.
thst's ok.. fair... during class, i keep moody statu... actually coz tomorrow i got exam for writing and
got to hang in my essay.... i really really stressed with them... coz i really care about them.
my first bio exam result is 33/60 i think it's really bad actually... i got to work harder...but
many people failed... too bad... joey i will support you! i know next time you will pass!
actually she is quite good in it, coz she hasnt studied in it before.
however, patrick's mic box is made with paper... i gonna buy him a new one that to protect his mic.
i asked him wanna a bag or box... he said box. =) ok~! i will search him a nice nice one.
but you know what joey responed? haha... she asked me" you're very friendly with him, is it?"
haha!!! patrick heard this, then say... "if she is really going to buy one for me.. is it a big problem?" haha!
anyway, i will buy for him. coz he is my dear instructor , i see his need , then i think a box is nothing
for me actually , then why cant ?! haha... he is a nice guy. i think no problems to do that =) .
in my heart, i still can feel something with chris...
but i really dont want to let myself to burn the fire again...it dies out already.
actually, joey and me are deciding to go to singapore in may for vacation, the seme break.
but we have to plan it and also i have to work for money if i wanna go... coz i dont want to take my
parents's money so as to travel for vacation. if we dont go in may, then maybe cant go in the
next seme break, coz they'll be busy with their studies........on sep.
god bless...
ok la... i will look onece my note for tomorrow, then i will go sleep~
>>February 12, 2004 at 6:19:11 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 10 日 星期二 【陰晴不定】
just now i got bad news from joey, that someone did the bad thing....it cause us sad and helpless.
anyway they're really bad.
i miss my friends so much , including... benny, ince, queenie, cynthia , junming, wuhao, miss erin......
they're all far from me ... i am thinking that when i have time,money , i will meet them at somewhere .
today is day off , coz i've changed the class already. mum, dad ,me and my sister maggie eat out
for lunch, then we go buy the "girl guide" uniform for her. nice nice.
then back home, just see ince would be on net or what, but never saw him... fine.
then i go out with joey, we hope to form a study group, but today isnt a right time.
tomorrow i will take 2 lessons ,then friday got exam again...
my first term gpa is done.... bad result... i'm a bit sad with it .. but i know i will do better in this term.
only 2. 396 .... still cant reach the 2.5 ... but i got to reach 3.0 or above , if i wanna major in my dream
subject -- tourism .... ai~~~ i'm a bit worried about this...
if i got 2 .7 or 2.8 then, it'll be better ... but only 2.396 ... just too far from my want.
i got to work hard, really hard... ai~~ dont know what to do so...
i will be back church .... i can feel that god is guilding us to build up some better things...
i dont know and dont want to know too much... heehee ...
i enjoy my work and studies now ... except a bit worried for my total gpa...
during the seme break, i will go singapore for vacation... we decide to stay around 2 weeks.
the air ticket only requires $ 1300 hkd.
i will go with joey, maybe others will join us =) (if we go in may)
i save all my salary , then in may i will have... $ 3072 ( base on $16 / hr and work for 3 months)
but, if we dont go in may, then ... i wanna go after associate. coz if the next break is in sep,
but all my friends there will be going to take their exams or o'level also... so...
heehee~
anyway... al is not confirmed.
>>February 11, 2004 at 5:41:09 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】
i got back my bio result today... damn bad...
haha... 15/ 60 it's impossible... even is fail, wouldnt that bad. and i know there're some
missunderstanding between the instrouctor and the staff... anyway, i will get the real one soon.
tomorrow i will take the bis exam, it's the computer... hope it's ok anyway.
i want to get higher marks in staed of my past gpa.
i really got to get better result... if not, i wont be able to access any university.
i 'm a bit worried for it...
since last time i went back church, i havent been there for long time ago...
i still couldnt accept that all is changed . especially now there're all boys except some girls who
seldom join. my work... isnt that important to gain money. getting money isnt my real purpose...
but others think i 'm too hury to get money from work... also some friends feel that mcdonlad's
couldnt help me to gain experience... oh man... mcdonald's isnt that bad although it's a hard job.
i got fun, got experience there, why cant continue? my parents havent stop me either.
i dont care about my money you know? i still dont know how much per an hour. it doesnt that matter...
as i say my parents give me enough money , but i wanna got some experience and fun that cant be
found in studies... i'm 17 already ... become 18. i search for a part-time jobs many times already...but no
one wanna a girl that havent experience... i know i cant learn a lot skills there, but i still enjoy about it.
this is only the first step... i am really glad that i have finished one step already... this is only the
begining... i know different people have different views and hard working on their ways... i dont mind
they have their own opion... but if anyone dont respect me and my job i would like to tell them ...
you ought to be glad to know i am having fun and i feel really proud for what i'm doing now .
at least this is the way i choose for myself, it's in my plan .
even though you dont like this kind of job, you got a better one... you still have no points to judge at
or look down on other's
i feel tired in my religon ... in my lord.. i know maybe i'm being a ghost ... but ... it's my thought.
i want to back ... but not now ... it's not because of my part-time job ... even i dont take it,
i still have many reasons for leaving . the main is i have no faith in it ... it's not easy to fix ...
i can tell you that i am trying my best, but i wont force myself... i know He doesnt too...i mean God.
always..always.. spirit always comes to my mind to remind me i have been too long not back...
i know it.. i can feel it ...but just cant ... still cant ...i know someday i will ... but not now.
hey, today after school, we go to mcdonald to rest, then i go find my dad... we wandering...
he bought me a watch~ hohoh~~~ thx daddy ^^ !
and i bought a phone card already ~ nice nice ... i think so.. haha ...
phone card is for sometime calls ... maybe is benny, maybe is ince, maybe are others.. whoever..
coz i cant dail idd at home, and my m. phone... so this is the only way i may give calls for my friends
oversea. but i think i wont call chris till someday we both feel better.. actually still depends on the needs.
just like junming, i dont call him except his birthday ~haha...
i'm still waiting for god that i have to wake up. but now i think still not the right time yet.
anyway, gotta stop ...
have to review my notes ... just take the final revision.
wa... how come so few people come?
anyway, how're you guys ? I've been very busy ... the second term just started... assignments , exmas follow.
I seldom stay in icq, everytime i go there just for few mins ,to recieve messages or files then go off ...
coz nothing else for chating...but i still miss you all a lot. Just via me e-mails or send me messages
there; i do reply for you all =) !! i hope somedays we will have a big gathering ... hope it can be soon...
coz now is Feb 04 already... i wanna share mine life with you, also whish to know yours ...
so, if you 're free, plx tell me how's life?! ^^
i'm still okay, although many bad things happened in these months.. but i'm still alife.
actually i just take the part-time job -- every weekends and P.holidays -- at McDonald's
right now... It's in Tsim Sha Tsui , somewhere near to the Harrbour City.
I wanna take some experience to do well prepare for myself futher ,especially my futher work .
But It's quite hard man... coz studies isnt easy one, but still have to take time on it...
i think i got no time to church is damn bad but ... really ..that i really got to take a rest in my religon...
maybe time will go , it will growths ...just let it goes...
bless me guys okay ? =)
always be there if you need me, coz 5D are the good friends one .
I wont forget you all, of course Tse Sir is included .heehee
Take care
Love,
Your Castor.
*( coz there're some problems in the guest book's site ...that's why i paste here first...)
( the above is for my old classmates, my dear freifnds -- 5D , LSC )
百感交集... 又怎能不流淚呢 ? 就算是痛苦散去, 仍有百般的感動... 這也許這就是感慨吧.
這只cd 可能就是陪伴我成長的一只 cd 了~
>>February 7, 2004 at 5:21:09 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】
Today is Friday...
last night i was working really hard... coz i was very tired, but still working...
you know man, i slept at 4:00 am , coz i thought i got exam today,
and i also fight for my essay, the first assignment of writting class.
i would like to improve my english , writing, so... i really care about this subject.
i cant get up on time today... then i still had to edit my essay, although Benny edited it for me already...
but i still have to make this to be my own essay, so i add something more, just modifly it.
on the road, i keep revising for the exam... and i was very pressed,
coz my stupid printer is damn. i'm sorry that i 've been really pressed these days...
coz somethings happened so sudden, cant take it easy ... so dont think away,
i'm not in cycle now.
Today of course i take a bit make up, coz i go mcdonald's having a briefing...
nice nice... the uniform isnt too bad. it's okay... i waer it, just make me more shinly~ hoho~
it's like the experience for me, not a job, maybe is a service . so i will do my best, not in order to take money.
tomorrow will be the first day for me, "add oil " castor! you will make it~!
today, i found that diary in english may not be that informal, just like mine..
mine is not logical one ; lots of grammatical mistick .
i thought my grammar has been improved a lot already, i can use the right puncation and so on..
but last night i found it, mine is still like a baby ... thx benny.
but anyway, why i use english to write, coz i wanna trian myself to adjust the english writing culture.
and you know, i'm accustomed to write in english ... maybe it's good for me... actually,
coz pratice more, then become more proficient.
i will do better in it, coz i am still fighting ~ i wont give up.
i read queenie's diary already... hum,... dont know what to say...
i still feel pian with it, but i dont want to care about it anymore... although i see him on line, but
just dont wanna think of him ... everytime he comes my mind, then i kick him off.
this' good i think.
people say he got so many excuses and they're all rubbish.
i dont comment about it.
maybe i 've found too much excuses for him already... really dont need to do for him anymore.
i understand why his friends told me he didnt deserve .
i dont know... i'm too tired. too tired to think.
joey does understand my sistuation, coz she is taking the same thing as me...
just too sad . but ... we got to get over it. and i think we can do it too...
just try lor... i dont comment their story, also other's coz different sistuations then all is different.
advicing cant be strong . support is the only thing we can also we ought to do.
>>February 6, 2004 at 4:50:26 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 3 日 星期二 【陰】
although i feel much more hurt, i finally got the truth.
when i closed my eyes, i see that i was catching one of his sleves, at that moment he is going to leave...
we both standing, but i kept asking myself to let him go... just cant control myself, cant fix myself off.
i was almost to cry in that dream.
but the real person-- me is crying at that moment.
jackie and joey both told me to forget him, of course queenie told me too.
jackie just told me ought to scold him.... how come i have that mind to fight... but i just feel really hurt...
last night i was glad to know the truth coz i think he finally told me by himself, not from others.
and i know he will feel better , so that i feel fine and i admire my strength to ask for pure...
but like before the rainstom, always sunshine....
now.. that's it.
i cant stop crying . why i feel hurt than want to block him coz i'm the high sense of self-respect girl.
but why i cant do it finally coz i am that soft heart also i forgive him already...although i still pain.
i know now is different, i cant yell at school, i used to do that when i was in college...
LSC just provide a nice place to heal-- my classroom with my classmates.
i used to yell at my lovely classmates then go cry, they dont mind to listen me when i'm in need.
but now... different people.. and different place too...
so my friend told me castor it's different now, you're not the baby girl, just take care, protect yourself..
yea... very different... it's okay for me.
anyway, i think why i confused of myself coz i'm that kind of girl...troublesome mad girl.
just now, when i go bath, i cant stoop cring... i look at the mirror, see my pain, see my bruise from it...
i know i havent regreted , people told me he was too bad ; just too hurt to do that shit on me.
i know all, i know that hurt is really really really hurt... but i also cant settle it too...
so..is it meaning that shit on me now? then i got too many shit now right?!
just joking... i seldom say it... it's just for venting, let off. and i dont, never say rough in chinese.
i dont want a new start, but i wanna take a break... just start from tomorrow,
i wont care about it till somedays i got cure.
my friends, plx accept my changes... that's maybe the only way for me to feel better.
i cant leave my childhood world , i have my own thinking ... my own view, that i cant give up...
if there's nothing to make myself pleased, that's not my castle.
i''' be fine... right.
trying can help nothing when the time is not your turn..
at the wrong time to try hard , yes is trying, but trying to hurt yourself also others.
>>February 3, 2004 at 6:44:49 PM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 2 日 星期一 【雨】
Now, i am at school, taking my computer lesson,... i dont wanna listen to her.. just really bored.
today is a rainy day...i having my pink umberlla...
a bit make up on my face that make me feel more peaceful... i just try to make myself happy,
actually, i still feel like a bit strange... but dont know why.
maybe just cant adjust the truth... but i know i got to accept this.
hum,... i'm not angry, i can understand why it happened, but i realize we're real too...
not...hum,...i dont know... dont know how to explain my feelings..
i always ask myself after breaking, that... am i going to give up, or should we..should i just give up.
if there's any feelings , then .. i cant really accept the breaking. and i know... although we break,
i still care about him, not coz of the relationship, but is he...
we break up, but i still like him, i cant deny that, also dont want to lie to myself too...
i cant accept others . i know it's not huury to fall with others, but just so sure that i still cant get over it.
i keep asking myself, if now i am going to die, then what i want to do in the last min?
i just wanna give him, only him a call to give the last blessing.
then i know... i still love him, but not others...
but i dont want to do anything to try to patch up... it's no need...
i just wanna keep it on mind, if someday it can be forget, then it'll be done.
but it must not the decesion from me... now... i dont do anything... just want to hear news from heart,
from the spirit of god... i follow his...it's the only wating job for me. i am waiting for god, but not him.
just like the fate game.. turn left turn right.
i'm going to leave ,..... ... ... let's keep a smile on face till i back home yet.
i meet tracy after lesson, 5 mins later...
see ya castor.
>>February 3, 2004 at 7:30:29 AM GMT+8
2004 年 2 月 1 日 星期日 【暴雨】
just now, i have the last chat with him.
i dont even post themm off here, but one thing that important is he feel sorry about what he said on me.
then i just forget what he said ;it 'll be never called back again =)
maybe we both calm down already... we talk that things being sensible...
at first, he still wanna me to delete him instead of the blocking.
he told me if i block him , i cant recieve his e-mials or messages anymore.
actually both of delete and block also can really can recieve mails ,but not message.
but if you block someone, that person cant see you on line anymore till you unblock,
but if you delete one's contact, then the person would see you everytime when you go on line,
but you just cant never recieved that one's messages. but it's allowed to be sent, but you just
cant see them or even never recieved them, and of course that person's contact would be never
shown on your lizt too.
anyway, i dont know he knows that different or not, but it's not the point.
i told him that i know it's such a fool for me.
but he feel strange on it, then we talk about it.
he think he might misunderstood his feelings for me in the first place, then of course i knew it already.
i were there when he was most downed and when he really really needed someone.
he just feel very sorry on it... very sorry, and he thought that i make him guilty.
he broke up with me just coz he realised that points and he didnt wanna lied to himslef and me futher,
coz i'm nice girl and doesnt worth to be lied . and he knows in way, he really 've lied,
that's why he thinks i make him feel guilty.
he didnt tell me the truth coz he was affraid i couldnt take it , and he might not able to forgive himself.
then he told me he feel better now, at least let me know the truth.
i told him he'd never explain it to me, and it's himself to make it guilty, not me.
i knew myself as a buoy when he needed, just not at the first place to know.
but still can understand.actually , if i can, i would like to choose to know the truth earlier , not now...
i told him i can understand and he was just wasting my time ,was blocking me to accept those.
i mean those reasons...
but i still feel happy that finally he can say it out by himself not others.
so, now, we both are not going to block or delete each other, i told him now all is clear, and
i dont hope to block him, or delete him anymore, and he told me he thinks so,
he either doesnt wanna delete me or block me, wont do that too.
that's good , let's be friend again... and we make a deal, when someday he feels okay, than he will
come to talk, if not, actaully i wont find him too... if any necessary i will via him e-mail.
and there's no matters for me to contact his friends, nope, they're my friends too.
just keep the stuffs about us to ourselves coz they dont have to know...
anyway, i havent told them all, especially his friends either mine.
he really feels better now... i'm really glad to hear about that =)
at least, we can be normal friends now.. but actually i wont contact him till he comes to talk to me
coz i dont want . really dont want... and actually when he comes, maybe we wont even talk also..
except the day he finds he really get over it, which i mean is...
actually i think he'll understand something that he cant get it now.
i mean... something he should know is...
at the first stage, we're friends only, maybe is net fren only.. but we via phone, e-mails, letters ,
praying , sharing ,....all depends on our sincere, dont even talk about love, it's real friendship at all.
i know he was in the most downed, and i just wanted to support him, stand for him, nothing at all,
no aims're there ...however if i'm like a bouy, not meaning that anyone can be his actually.
why is me, only god knows... not us can see.
and why we feel like love it's just coz of our heart to bring us there, not the acting. it's sincere ,no fake.
and what he feels guilty now is nothing necessary. coz i havent regret of it.
we dont need to be guilty , especially for him. coz i'm still okay, not that dependent kinds of.
it's all real from heart. so i dont and wont deny him on my life ... hope he can get it soon.
or maybe he got it already, just i dont find it. it's not that important for me now...
but we both still need time to complete it... i mean our story.
now, we just be nothing, but we still need the ending that means... we will be real friends again..
but dont know when , i'm not hurry for that. i dont think too much, let it be... during this period,
maybe i will get a new view of mind too, maybe he'll also... we dont need to do much . just stay on
and move on...i will observe myself ...find myself .... or else,.. just like what i said...
if we got that fate, god will complete it , not only one side to beg the roads or argue with god.
that's all i can do for both of us and that's wise.
i wont wait, i move on everyday, but dont know what will happen, even dont know what god wants.
but it doesnt matter, just plx myself to be patient for observing all god has prepared for me.
chris is meaning so much for me, but not the most important one ... he was,... but now maybe cant anymoe.
i just keep following the spirit from my heart, do my part... just do my part, god will do the rest...
then all will be fine although i know i still have a face a lot which i maynot even want later on. .
i dont care, ... just be trure to myself, also others ... when they come, i face .
i know i'll be brave. coz i am not that weak..except in god. anyway, i will be stronger..
this is me, always , castor.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
today at class... i lost my temper to my dear instructor and my dear classmate.
i got back my bio result today... damn bad...
McDonald's ... I'm lovin 'it ~
although i feel much more hurt, i finally got the truth.
just now, i have the last chat with him.
Someone who know