you know... just now, i talk with wuhao, coz mostly a month havent greet him.
我知道左一個消息...本來我都唔知既...但係....wuhao話我知...佢前排俾人甩左.
我個時無咩反應可以俾到佢.
wuhao講到好似好好笑咁,講完仲要"哈哈"
"oh...too bad.." 我只好這樣吧.
i never regret and cant regret.
sad for him, coz i still love him.
if god let me love him more, it's my preasure.
if now, god is taking me away from him, that' ll be my presure too.
in god, all the things are safty. i hope he is really alright now.
i dont wanna think of.....if he really love that girl what...
if he really love me what... i dont care.
this moment, i love him, i love his all. he doesnt know that... i dont want to let him know.
till someday that could be told, i wont let him know.
>>March 12, 2004 at 5:13:18 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 11 日 星期四 【晴】
Today i am very very very tired and busy.
i planed to get up early then go study, but i couldnt get up.
i havent prepared all for my music exam... i got 40% only.
i am Very Very Very FRUSTRATED.
on the way , i was too tired so, i couldnt take well short sleep on bus.
when i back to tai po, i go to the libary for searching information for the bio paper. i brorrow 3 books.
i have to hang in two paper, one for bio, one for ba. then have the presentation for writing class.
hum,... i think i will not have enough time to do all well? i do try my best,
although i will be too tired and too busy, i still keep it on. this is my promise.
i dont know how worse they will be, but i promise that i do do well my parts.
i cant stop myself to keep working...you know?!
i know i am going to be fail... i dont want it becomes too worst. i am so affraid for my result,
not only result, but my studies. i have to learn !
i know my job just spends my time , but i dont want to give up.
coz i have to train myself . i know somedays i do can balance well.
why people can but i cant? there're not impossible things unless i dont have faith in them.
they can, i can too .
today, i was in wan chai, before class, i went delifrance to take a piece of tart and coffe,
i started to write my notes for exam. then i go take lesson.
nice lesson, today we discuess about music . then i go have lunch with rachel,
then we chat quite much, hum,... i go back tsim sha tsui for exam,
then go home. i just saw an old woman siting on the ground, just after the road and near the subway.
i saw her when i crossing the road... i was thinking that i cant give her money~
but when i just pass through her, i take up my wallet, i really dont have much coins... 2 coins only.
$2 hkd. at that moment, i just over the subway already.
but i thought of god, thought of the charater in bible... i told myself she need this little money.
although i dont like people to beg money on road, but i think she doesnt want to be like that too.
she is very old very old already. i think when she was young, she had done something well for the
sociaty, today... only 2 coins.. maybe it does matter for me, but do does matter for her.
so, i just go back the subway to give her that 2 coins and said perhaps she can go home.
i saw the tears in her eyes... so.. i just stop and go.
i dont wanna see her cries.
i got the e-mail from ince.
finally i told him all, and he understand now~
glad that he doesnt break up with stilla =)
i am thinking that, i always do good thing for people... is it good for me too?
haha... it's okay la... if i do bad to people... i will kill myself. haha..
you know?! i got the answer from god.
"He came to them, walking on the sea.--Mark 6:48 "
"Safty is not found in the absence of danger but in the presence of god."
i wanna share something here
[when we're exhausted by our efforts, when we're bewildered by our problems, when we're wounded
by our friends,when we're surrounded by our foes, we can hide ourselves in God.
There is no safty in this world. If we were to find safty here, we would miss the happiness for
which we were made.
The only safty place is God Himself.]
yea i know it... but just tring to learn ....of it.
and i know He is the only God.
>>March 12, 2004 at 3:05:01 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】
Today i worked hard la...
but i know i am a bit late.
hum,.. ba exam... ai..... i dont know how to explain...
too bad.
tomorrow got the music exam also have to hang in the essay for the movie.
i am thinking to quit my job. coz i want more time to prepare my studies.
if i cant find a nice sulotion, i will quit my job.
ai...
today kenny told me that we have to take the tofel before Aug.
i got to prepare for it, right?! so... the only seme break before Aug is in May one.
i may not go singapore in May now... maybe if i go in Sep, would be better for me.
coz i will have more money, i could stay longer there.
but, i still have to pray for it, ask god would He let me go in may or not.
i'm so frustrated about my exams... >.< !!!!
i feel so helpless. i have to be brave and try my best. in God, i'm much better than others i know.
coz He gives me strenth to over trias.
"nothing i have is truely mine"
life for rent...
ai~ today i take train again, by muself... then i know i feel better now, but i still miss him quite much.
when i think of him, i dont feel fortunate, but really hurt.
people say, if you love someone, you think of him, then you will smile and feel fortunate,
but i think of him i feel hard although sometims i can recall some nice memorries... but not always.
i feel hard when i think of him. i am going to forget him but not by purpose...
i dont want to give him up. i still love him?! anyway, i think he's still the most important one in my heart.
the fact is i 'm really forgeting him ! but it's not my want?! or... by subconscious ?
i dont know....
my friend tells me it's good for me.
oh no... i dont know.
you know? i spent 4 months to give up junming(for 3 months dating)
but now, soon to be 4 months for me to give up chris, i still cant make it, dont forget (only for 1 month dating)
what can i do? at the first place, i cant say i love chris more than junming. i dont think chris can be my real bf.
i just let myself to be his back up, best friend( girl) to talk to. give him all he needs, only giving, never asking.
but now i admit that i love chris much more than junming. coz i asked junming for many things,
if he couldnt give me, then i feel bad. then i tred to asked more and more.
but chris,... i made all the things easy for us. i dont care to be the sender, dont care not be the reciever.
just giving giving and giving. he wasnt being with me, but i can feel our hearts are at the same place.
we always pray together, talk about bible. we go share, help each others... we have dreams,
promise to work hard together. we could our dreams. we treasured each other so much.
that's why i treasure him and our relationship that much!
i really cant accept that he's never loved me, cant say we 're wrong . i cant trust this either !
when he said we must break up, i really let him go, coz i dont want him feel hard for me.
it doesnt mean i am going to give up our relationship, i know i will keep loving him !
but he asks me to forget him again and again... i really mad at him.
i didnt do anything... he wants me to be friend with him, i try, but he stops me.
he still minds...that means...?
i am sorry, now finally i know who i love still is him. never changed !!!
i wont accept any others till somedays i really dead.
just like what i said, if you love someone, you cant accept others instead.
i wont regret about this. never.
>>March 11, 2004 at 1:02:43 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】
hello castor,
today at the afternoon i go on line, then i saw ince was there too.
hum,... we chat for few mins, coz i met my parents for lunch outside.
hum,... we havent compromised what. after i talk with him, i was really frustrated. i wanted to cry.
how come he ask me to make desision? if i ask him to break up with her, then he will do so! how come?!
what?! in these days, he still can having nice time with her?
actually who he loves? ok... i dont care he loves her then give me up. but he cant tell me he loves both.
i just want him to make sure something then make decision. just tell me the decision is ok then.
why it's so complicated?! he told me he didnt expect about the reaction of me. so what?!
ha.... he ask me to tell him if i really dont want him, then he will try his best to forget me.
this's not my want right?! i want to be his and her friend too.
i havent told him directly, coz i wanna let him think twice who he loves, then make decision under
no other factors. it must be the independent decision ! cant be affected by others !
i am worried that i tell him i dont want to be his friend, then he goes break up with her,
if i tell him it's ok to be friend, then he says ok, he still keep going with her.
it cant be the relative question !
if he really loves her, it's ok, i dont mind that. just keep going.
but if at the first place he didnt really love her, just coz of sex... then how come can still can keep it?
it's so unfair and blur, right ?! maybe it's coz of the different cultures.
ok... i dont want to think too much.
i will send him e-mail, tell him directly what i want.
today, i go to church with ivy,
then we study the bible, and teachs me the music. then i chat with TaiKwan about the ce level.
i saw kammy and cecila, and her boy too~
anyway, tomorrow is the ba one. i wanna get A in it, and i have to finish my essay for the movie.
gotta stop.
wanna meet shan tomorrow~ let's see la~
>>March 10, 2004 at 1:17:02 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 8 日 星期一 【晴】
Today, i have breadfast with Shan, at delifrance, then i study at there. have a very very nice time.
then i go to the culture centre, sitting near the habour, study again.
then i go take my exam... soso la...not bad.
today... i take train by myself.
feel not well. wanna cry but no tears.
on the way, just feel strange. all the things, the view has been very well known already.
i had so many feelings on everythings before... but today.... i can feel nothing ... so empty.
i dont know why. all in my mind is nothing. but when i closed my eyes...
things come. some pieces of memorries come partly.
lucky that roy call me at that moment. brings me back to the life. but he always play jokes ,
teasing with me.
after that, i go hmv, i wanna buy a cd, from Evanesence, i love her songs in that album, coz very
special style, especially "bring me to life". wow...so nice. the feeling is so strong.
then i watch a part of movie there with many western, some of them must be tourist. that was great~
haha... i dont know why, today many people glance at me...also in hmv. some blacks , some whites
also... erm,... dont know what happened. then i finally i meet my net friend ,roy.
i think we've meet since last year june. but seldom talk before. but in these days, we talk again...
just cof he call me. he knows my cell phone no. from icq.
we both live in tai po, that's why we meet. hum,... actually i just bring him to my church,
he wants a studying place, then after that, we go sit have a tea, then he sends me back home.
on the way, we go view e-man's church too.
hum,... on the way, we see so many people that i know...
why today so easy to get dudes? firstly, is cecila and her boy,and kinman then some lsc-er, then
kumman ... wa... i feel that they misunderstand us already. just from their eyes, i can feel that.
i told them he is my friend.
haha...
hum,... roy is ok. anyway, i never thought he is so tall. when i talk to him i need to raise up my head.
wa.... actually i am a ugly, short and fat girl... and i am not well today...
so i know i gave him a bad impression. anyway, fine. it doesn matter. i am what i am.
i am a bit stressed, but just act like a tourist guide for him. coz we dont know each other much before meet.
a bit strange but still ok. hum,... i wanna be his real friend too. let's see what.
before i meet him, i am worried that he look like chris. coz i have never got his picture before.
and he sounds like chris in phone. lucky that he is different from chris.
i am very not well today... like going to be sick. but i know i wont be sick easily.
but the fact is when i felt sick, then i took medcine, i would get well so soon.
but now is i feel not well, but not that sick, even if i see doctors, he wont give me any medicine.
it's quite tough.i dont know what i need, but i know i am not well.
i still havent got back news from ince.
i hope he and his girl are alright.
actually, if he loves that girl, i wont stop him, coz i havent that strenth.
and i dont want to destroy their relationship, but i just want him to think twice...so as to protect
that girl and himself. if he choose me, come hk find me, i wont stop him too. but it doesnt = i accept him.
i think he has to respond to his one self, then all is enough. but now.. not that easy anymore.
coz he has that girl. i think he loves her, but just wanna let me know if at the first place i accepted,
then would not happen what only. otherise, i dont care anymore. i know he got rights to love whoever.
i wont stop him, wont feel bad anymore. coz i want him well ~ yea, i miss him, coz i concern him.
Today.....
sorry now is 3:01 am already, gotta sleep...
write back tomorrow, if i am free.
>>March 7, 2004 at 7:02:08 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 5 日 星期五 【晴】
Hum,.... i dont know how to say my feelings now.
everyone know that i wanna go counter in stead of the kitchen works.
today , finally i can go there ! I am very happy and excited !
i did my job very well i think, although i made a lot of misticks, just like the first day i stayed at
the "egg" or the "chicken" conner.
my smile , sincere and the politeness help me a lot. haha...
but, since i leave the kitchen, i wouldnt work with my buddies, such as Tim, Fung, some aunties...
yea, i am going to miss them, coz they helped me so much before, especially Tim.
But i will have some new buddies to work with me.
that 4 pretty girls ( i forgot their names) and dark, nettaly,......
and now, i have to learn all the names of the meals and ....try to train my very short term memorries.
coz i have to take orders, but cant mark them down... that's quite hard for me~ haha...
especially there're no one can help me sometimes.
by the way, i am not that happy today.
i am looking forward for the news from ince. i dont know why i really wanna know how he feels.
i ask myself what happened...but i dont know why i still care of this event so much.
does it matter me actually? i dont know. i am involed i know, but so what?!
i feel like maybe i am fault ? i ought to ask iince out? or what?! i dont know...
just now, i told joey that i dont know why i miss him, ince.
perhaps that wouldnt be long. by the way, he got stilla. ... .. ... that means ... we're impossible.
the first step was wrong... then we cant go back anymore, right?!
actually, if he really appears in front of me, i may feel so touched.
however i think maybe what i did isnt good, but it's still not a wrong way to go... just protect us.
but things goes that bad now... i can just say, i 'm so sorry. and perhaps he will give me the answer soon.
by the way, although i know the story between chris and me seems havent ended, his image
just like fading out. maybe i dont want to think about him anymore.
i will pray for it. just feel like i dont love him that much now.
is it good for me?
i am so tired... but i gotta work harder at my studies...
i think later, i will not hang around after school. i will go home imediately so as to take time to study.
i think i can make it. let's see.
i have viewed the daily bread on the way. ......and ...the....
"life's burdens are designed not to break us but to bead us toward god."
"people searching for an answer, looking for a better way, can discover truth and meaning
if god's love we will display."
yea... i am agree with that.
>>March 6, 2004 at 4:30:18 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 4 日 星期四 【晴】
You know who is Ince?
the black guy from south affrica, now staying at auckland.
he chased me since serval months ago.. but i havent accpeted him.
coz we 've never meet before, and i am so scared to have bf that we havent meet before.
today morning i waked up at 5:30 am, honestly i tended to wake at 4:30.
so as to complete my reading for my writing text paper then go write my essay for the advertisement.
then... i saw him, ince go on line.. i am very excited, coz long time havent chated with him.
sure that i miss him. coz i really care about him, he is a christain, i thought he treats me very well.
because he's never left me but wait for me on line everyday... just i cant let myself to have him before meet.
this is the principle since i broke up with two guys all from internet.
i dont know him well, that's why i dont wanna give him chances to come with me.
(he asked to come hk, but i refused) i dont mind he is black, but i do mind i am not a sexy girl.
i dont mind he wants sex, but i do mind that i may cant help.
actually, i am waiting somedays maybe we will meet in real.
he asked me again today, honestly i wanna accept, coz i like him too, but just think twice, i think time
can proof all, and let's see we can go togther or not. just keep waiting, waiting for god.
but you know what... after i rejected again.. i asked him about if he seen any nice girls ...
he told me yes, then told me that he wanna go with a girl who does a lot of things for him...
ok, fine, he told me he doesnt love her, treated her like best friend. she is honery at him...kiss him,
sleep with him without sex... try to be his girl...so on... it really shows the girl loves him so so so much.
but what he reacted is to reject again and again...
but finally he told the truth is that he really had sex with her already. and trying to love her.
she asked for sex...he accepted.
you know before he told me that he had sex with her, i wanna told him to tell that girl" he has a gf already"
but i know if i say so, maybe it's too silly.because although i wanna accept him, we still have many stuffs...
i told him a lot of solving methods to let himself think twice who he loves, and what he can do.
(all is before he let me know he really fall with her now)
you know, i really wants him to think twice, coz i dont ensure when will i accept him, or if i accept
others first. but,... seems like i dont want to waste his time, and i think that girl loves him so much.
he told me many situtations with that girl. i thought he just confused on himself...
and i wanna help him, although maybe he finally finds who he loves is that girl.
honestly i will bless him if he really loves that girl, coz that girl treats him so well and seems like if they
go together, that would be great..( all depends on before i still dont know he really falls with her)
so i tried to ask him many questions to help him think... but after all, he told me is
he had sex with her, he falls with her now?!
what's going on actually?! it's like he tried to lie. i cant accept that... why cant he just told me the truth?!
especially when i think of it, then i think of the past with chris.
what misunderstand the relationship between us. but now, i am acting what karin is.
ince is chris and that girl is me! how to believe it ?!
he is just too much~ that's why i feel so bad, so depressed on ince also.
he also put all the stuffs on me. he said coz i dont accept him, push him away then he goes with her.
he said he loved me so much but i just reject again and again, but stilla did so much things for him.
that's the same situtation for me and chris, right?! hum,.. that one thing is different in me and stilla,
at the first place i treat chris as a really good friend only, but his friend finds that i love chris.
then is chris to ask me to be his girlfriend , coz we both feel good in each other.
i cant take it actually... i questioned ince that if he doesnt love that girl how come can sleep with her.
what he answered is "mostly sex" what?! oh man... it's so bad.
i wanted to cry, coz i thought he is the one wont hurt me, but he really did it already.
he let me down.
i scold him, lost my temper at him.
just now, i recieved his e-mail again... he say sorry to me,
and asked me again if i can be his girlfriend again... coz he finds that who he loves is me,
he said he loves me more , and he will break up with her...
i dont know how to reply !
she loves her that much, she can do everythings for him, but how about me?!
i cant stay with him, cant go play basketball with him, dont even choose have sex with him,
(christain cant have sex before married, that's the most important reason).
even if i want, i wont do that either.
i wanna bake cake, cookies , make lunch, chat with my bf everyday, watch my bf to play with his buddies,
go libary , go study with my bf....and so on, all is for my bf... but i can do nothing with him now.
you see the different?! i really wanna accept him actually, but what can i do, huh?!
is it my fault?! i just wanna make sure there's no more painful things like the past happen on us only!
ensure that no more like the past!! i gotta make sure dont to hurt two people!
what i did is good for us! but he 's never understand ! he just cant control himself.
that's what i had comsidered about! and the fact proof s that what i did is all right!
he told me i was wrong, i shouldnt push him away... nope.. i told him i am correct!
see now, things just happen! i told him already he cant stand for it.
even if we go togther, the things will do happen like now ! he still would made love with her!
he just cant control himself, whoes can help huh?! me? i can help?! wrong!
no one can help, if he really wans to do so.
so, he asked me would i accept him again, i am really confused... how about that girl?
i am thinking that has chris told karin about us? has karin has the same thought as me?
i haven't had sex with chris.... but stilla had with ince. it hurts her quite much !! just too much...
he said he would break up with her... should i stop him? will he really break with her? if they break,
she must be really pain... i will be that bad girl to hurt him, hurt her.
by the way, if ince doesnt love her, how come he can do that with her?
however,at the ending of the e-mail said it's possible that i wont talk to him anymore, he will love me forever...and bless me.
so, then? haha... so???
he wont break with her? huh? that's totally different what the things at the middle he said about.
in my opinion, actually i think if he doesnt love that girl, he should stop the relationship with her.
but the relationship is started, he got to think twice that even he cant forget me, the fact is
they're started. and what cause they started is that he really starts to love her, right?!
all depends on the love, i dont care about that love is true or not, but it's started.
i dont wanna that girl, stilla will have the same feelings like me. i think that chris is silly,
coz even if the begining he misunderstood the relationship, but actually what we acted for the
relationship is all real, all depnds on love.
i dont want stilla will take the same tough like mine. chris might wrong, i dont want ince goes the
same wrong step like chris.
so... i dont wanna make any decicion. even if i accept him or not, he still got to decide to keep that
relationship with her or leave her... i dont wanna affect him to make any decision.
i hope him understand that i like him, but i cant go with him right now. coz i have to make sure that
there's no more pain like the past happen again. i wanted let time goes , to proof that we can or not.
i have thought very clearly everytimes he asked me can be gf or not.
that's why everytime i wanna accept, but i stop myself... not coz i dont like him, but the situtation.
if we can pass though all the things, of course we will go together.
coz god let us to pass through all, right?!
now i cant see who can be that guy for me actually. anyone knows? sorry no one.
so... ince has to make decision by himself.
i said that i will support him whatever decision he makes.
ok... if he likes that girl, it's ok. but please think twice. just like what i always do.
but he hurts me already.
hope he can understand my points, and think twice.
break or not doesnt coz of me loving him or not, not coz of stilla loves him or not but for his own self.
what he really wants, who he really loves, who he tend to being with.
i hope that no matter how the situtation will be changed , he wont change his mind after he decide it.
and... i dont hate him, but i feel hard for what he thought ,what he did.
i dont need he to say any sorry, do what for me, but please take care of himself.
i will be there anytimes when he need me.
yea, i told him to leave me alone, told him to go away, stay off from me, coz i need time to think.
but now, i think i am ok, feel better...although i still feel hard in it.
finally i havent enough time to finish my essay... also be late in class.
but i hang out already, i must have bad result in it.
poor that i gotta get A in this sub. *sigh.... but now i dont think i can get A.
>>March 5, 2004 at 12:30:36 PM GMT+8
2004 年 3 月 3 日 星期三 【晴】
Today, i havent take my ba lesson.
coz i think patrick just repeat what he wrote on notes. i think i better save the time to releax myself,
then go back to study harder.
i go to school with shan today, then we meet at lunch at tsim sha tsui, so after the first lesson, misic,
i just back to tsim sha tsui to wait for her ,hum,... at delifrance.
on the way, i brought 2 lacks for myself.
one is for heath, another one is for many things, like relationship with people, friendship, love ,studies and so on.
very nice =) and then i just hang around tsim sha tsui with shan after lunch. hum,... then i brought the
eyeliner and eyeshadows at Marks&Spencer. it's much cheaper than Bodyshop. but the quality isnot bad.
it's made in UK too. so, i trust that product. then i try it on bus with shan... haha... not bad.
last time i said i wanna have a skirt in Mistina, but i think that's too expensive, right?!
so, today i just ry to find out one is cheaper. haha! i found one is cheaper, but do look nicer!
how much is it? hum,... $ 220 without discount =) heehee.
i gonna got it soon. and i also need shoses for summer. but it's not that hurry thing.
actually i may not go sg in may. but still considering.
hum,... just many stuffs got to be cared about. let me think twice.
hum,... i gotta work hard with my works, especially in music , writting and ba.
haha, i am so glad that the music lesson is so great today!
last time i didnt attendent, but today he just repeat the last lesson for me =) and also others.
then we have a new topic, actually this is the rest of last lesson. just complete it.
so, itold him it's wise to dont come back for last week. he just answered me, no.. coz he just
repeat for me. haha!! thankyou so much~ =)
and today i was very very very concentrated! so i understand all what he said!!!!
i know i will be veryeveryevery concentrated on class, whatever what class they are.
coz on tue, i just take class by myself. i was very very very concentrated. then i was the first student
to complete all the works in class. hum,.,.. i used to be the last of group. so... i think actually
i can do much more better than the past. i will keep going on, and i think i will do much more more more better.
but i should do my jobs concentrated. cant talk in class, cant play, cant eat.
i think i can make it =)
dont forget my jesus lord : "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
Today God give me all i need.
He let me know if i just follow him, trust him, then He strengthens me.
I know in Lord, i got nothing to fear about.
but i have to do my parts steps by steps.
i got to have faith in Him.
Hope my sister will feel better soon, coz she gots flu,and my dad just feel sick...hope they're alright.
and i know my dreams are all from my real heart, i wanna show that although i am not a perfect
girl, i still can apply a job in an airline company, just like the flight crew.
and this is all from my jesus lord. coz he strenthens me, tell me dont to give up.
and He enabled me having "the strenth" for my dream. i do think i have that "protensal".
hum,...let see =)
just now recieved a call from my grandma, hum asking about my sister...
i know she loves us although she always does something let us confused and pressed me a lot.
=)
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
you know... just now, i talk with wuhao, coz mostly a month havent greet him.
Today i am very very very tired and busy.
Today i worked hard la...
Someone who know