2007 年 2 月 13 日 星期二 【晴】

發現自己有些累
是想多了吧
太單壹的去勉強
那份已經被遺忘的感覺
不是自己的
終究是留不住的
不要弄得兩敗俱傷
才心甘
任何事物
還是原來的色彩美麗
雖淡卻清新
強加的只會刺痛眼睛
保留曾經的那份美麗
將它放進記憶裏
帶著微笑品味
也會欣然自若
該放下的就放下吧
做要做的事
明天太陽同樣笑臉相迎

>>February 13, 2007 at 2:55:12 PM GMT+8

2006 年 10 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

celebrated the bday of bj fu with BJ, and kate...
when getting old,
these kind of celebration becomes those warm and closy one...no more ppl singing and jumping in karaoke...
yes. time flies...
these 4 years has changed a lot...
bj has climbed up to a level that she is now stable and credible and successful in an agency while getting together with bj fu.
kate gets tougher at job and shows more potential than others.. also enjoying her life in full.
pooh is no more child..grows with the train-up and experience at work and in family.
how about me?
pooh sets bj as her target... everyone keeps going up and i felt like i m not as competitive and as capable as others..
i felt like leaving behind.
but can i chase it back?
they said always after a big break-up, one will change and fly.
did i change?
going to GZ, finally knowing he is going out with others...
i only feel sad and vulunable.
can i do better? i want to do better and reach a level like bj... but i m not as tough as others...
i m always not the one in the spotlight. but can the one behind the scene still shine?
i have set some goal. next year i should:
- get tough and be confident
- be myself with my own style while earning credits from work
- save money and get off the bill
bj said she intentionaly to leave a tough impression to others. and train up her subordinates to get the job done.
i can't be her. who can i project and look up to?
i look up to sofay. sofay is the one i always want to be. successful and capable to manage herself and work.
and bj said it is important to catch the moment when opportunities come.
i will get this opportunity rite?
i can chase this back. and keep up with others rite?
RC u really made me lost my competence and cofidence..
can i change? can i manage to do so?

>>October 8, 2006 at 1:20:13 PM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

i supposed having a good start of today...
cos' of my stupid mind, i ruin my day...

i on and off added and deleted him from msn...
i added him again, testing if i m ok to see him online.. trying test my own limit.

i just want to be brave to face him.

but obviously i m not brave enough and i m not ready yet.
added him and got his msn.
i should know that he is v. happy with the girl now.
i should feel happy for him.

but when he messaged me with the pic shown. i felt so hurt.
hurt in a sense that it drives my tears out immediately.
just a "hi, how r u?" from him and the pic.
made speechless.

i m so so not ready....
it takes more than 5 min for me to respond...
replying "ok la. have been to tibet for a while. i m now in a meeting. ttyl".

gosh... i deleted him from the list again...
why i can't treat him like a normal friend?
why i can't face the pic of him & her?
they are smiling happily in the pic.
should feel happy for him.

to love someone is to let him free and happy, rite?
but why i m not happy?
i m not happy for him?
or i m not happy for myself?

i acknowledge this feeling. the unhappy feeling.
but what should i do other than delete him??

>>September 20, 2006 at 10:44:05 AM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 28 日 星期一 【晴】

Papa came visited me during weekend.

we chatted and chatted... and he pointed out that my response to him was really turn him off and how can he response if i said sth like that...

he also said i always lost myself and can't be the real me... i was overprotected to myself, so defensive and afraid of being rejected...before i get intimate with others, i can talk freely and be myself. once i m with someone, i became overprotected to my own self... so fragile and pathetic.

i dunno why i was indeed care of others, but my care & stupid response just act the opposite way and end up driving others away from me...

now i feel so haunted and wanted to stay alone by myself.
i feel more lost and lonely than before.

why i m like this? why i so care abt others and want to get others' care so much?
i know i m lack of confidence.

problems keep exist. It must be me, i m the root of problems?

why i can't see myself clearly and naturally be myself, just like the way i was before anything happen?

>>August 28, 2006 at 4:10:36 PM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 19 日 星期六 【晴】

talked with PA re. the internal review of TE....
he sensed that i was v. nervous and couldn't speak clearly in front of dai yi ma....

he helped me how to crack down the recap and how to talk in front of others...

i just dunno why i m so impair to speak out....
i know i m v. messy in my mind.
when dai yi ma or even creative asked me stuff, 1st moment of my mind is blank....
and i couldn't explain clearly....
i dunno why i have such problems....

PA said as long as i know what i want, my objective and just speak out the fact...
damn... one of the concept i really got lost and couldn't remember want dai yi ma and ah ma's comment were...

i told myself i gonna improve and i m pressured...

PA said before i talk, take a deep breath, organize my mind and talk slowly.
but my mind is blank... what to organize then?
gosh... i m just so stupid...

how to improve? how to be confident?

i need help...
monday's morning will be another internal review...
i got to prepare and do something...

help me... help my mind...
dai yi ma, i dun need u to be impressed, i only need u to understand me and dun give me a bitchy look...

>>August 19, 2006 at 10:28:29 AM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 18 日 星期五 【晴】

last nite saw him online msn....seeing his message there....

many weird german...
sometimes he seems happy, written "Happier Moment",
sometimes he seems worried, written "unstable emotion",
sometimes he seems angry, written "combustion-supporting",
sometimes he seems discouraged, written "don't blame her"...

i tried to msn him in midnite, asking how is he. he just said he is fine..
guess i m not in the right position to ask or care about...
i just said to him, "if nothing happened, it's good and add oil..."

care for someone but can't speak it out is really harsh...

i can feel he is despair, i know my feeling is right...
but if he doesn't want to let me know, i shouldn't keep asking i guess.

wish you well... my dear mr. chan...

today i found out from my friend's diary, knowing that she will also have a habit of reading others' msn
words....
is it an obession?
is it a poor habit?
why nowadays when u care, all you do is just spy but not speak?
i dunno too... cos' i m addicted to it since the icq era...
i guess i m sick and really need to see a shrink....

watching sex & the city again... relationship today seems involves many guessing..
and are we all playing games to make a relationship work?

p.s. last nite i cooked. the 1st time i made 3 dishes and a soup... feeling so successful lei...
i think cooking is also a creative act... really hard to manage. but fun during the process.

>>August 18, 2006 at 2:42:00 PM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 7 日 星期一 【晴】

somehow knowing someone is reading my diary and concern abt me, the feeling is weird but good in someways.

there are some one else care about you in this planet.

thank you, thank you for reading this.

sometimes i just treat this as a channel for me to write to myself. a way out.
may be i m too chicken to speak out, or i can't express myself well in most of the times.

writing sometimes is better than talking, esp. on my case.
i m a speech-impaired person....
and created many problems already....

well. i dun want to get lost or give up on myself.
i strive to work hard and make myself stronger.
but inner self knows i m not there yet, or not even ready to be there yet.

wat a dilemma...
life is always a dilemma, rite?

>>August 7, 2006 at 11:12:30 PM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 6 日 星期日 【晴】

後來 我總算學會了 如何去愛
可惜你 早已遠去 消失在人海
後來 終於在眼淚中明白
有些人 一旦錯過就不再

你都如何回憶我 帶著笑或是很沉默
這些年來 有沒有人能讓你不寂寞
...

我長大了
有些事情忘記了
有些事情改變了
有些人和事情不能忘記也不能改變了

>>August 6, 2006 at 1:57:13 AM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 2 日 星期三 【晴】

being alone sometimes are good, sometimes are bad...

i felt better today. cos' i finished my work and went to gym in hotel then went out to explore. just walk walk walk and see many different new things....

i m free to walk to wherever i want to go. i can linger in a place for as long as i want to....

but i feel lonely for no one to share with me when see something new or when i eat alone.

today i have a thought.... he never accompanies to go shopping, never... i did go shopping with him for many times, but when it came to times i want to go shopping, seemed he was never there. dunno if he knew that or not. oh well. gonna forget it rite? no point to think of such thing now...

my kodak digital camera suddenly broke down today... can't take any photo, can't write my journal of my trip.

got 2 pairs of jeans today and some vintage clothings. but i can say korea stuff is expensive.... esp. i just been to bangkok, everything is quite expensive. just a street snack (fried rice cake) costs WAN2,000 (HKD20!!!!), a standard meal from a fast food type of restaurant, it costs almost WAN5,000 (HKD50)....

part of my mind is still not in korea... where does it go? with him... which i guess so....

>>August 2, 2006 at 9:32:29 PM GMT+8

2006 年 8 月 1 日 星期二 【晴】

a clear sky of a korea morning....

just arrived and checked the email, found out a shocking news, and what an idiot me....

can i enjoy my stay here?

what am i thinking now? totally dunno... shaky hands and messy mind.

i feel so lonely recently. i m alone all the times, although there are friends aside, i dunno how to tell them what's in mind. i m completely fail to express myself.

when i m sad, everything is shown on my face. i made other worried. then i pretend nothing happen at all... smile and laugh like i m fine, but inside i know i m not.

many nites before i emailed him and told him i feel so unsafe and dunno why i m always afraid of being rejected. i told him i m sorry. i dunno why even i m so care, but everytime i will act / response in an opposite way... i told him i missed him.

i know somewhere out there in this plant, someone else has the same feeling as mine. hurt is what i feel.

last attempt. i told myself. this should be last. can it really be the last one?

no one knows but i know i m really miss him. he will never know and never care about. afterall the last word he said to me was BYE FOREVER.

goolugoolu, wake up. it's a clear sky out there. can u see? can u feel the warm outside?

>>August 1, 2006 at 6:56:58 AM GMT+8