2005 年 1 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

spent a weekend to macau.
i walked n walked in macau for over 3 hrs.
i finally get to know this place even though i payed many visit there before.
everytimes Papa would show me to everywhere.
i don't even have to use my mind to remember the road / direction or anything.

this time, i booked a hotel in shun tak pier and started my journey to macau on sat.
picked up the map when i arrived.

macau is really small. but is a peaceful place from its outlook.
it did change a lot... many constructions are going on...
many casinos built.... i assume many "underground stuff" are going on too...
somehow a frightening feeling is still hide inside me when i walked along the streets in this peaceful little island.

i went to "Black Sand" and sit on the beach and "fat oi" on the beach...
went to a art gallery and saw a conceptual art exhitibition of Contemporary Paintings from China.
went to different parks, sit there and "fat oi" alone or with Papa Lao.

feeling at ease.

Papa spent a sunday with me.
i told him about my failure in Jan.

he points out that ever since AC to now RC, to my work, and everything,
i seems like i lost myself. i lost of my own principles.
i am also selfish, but my selfishness is focus on outsiders first.
i think of others on how they think and then response to it.
it's also a way of selfishness.
just everytimes, i listened to too many people. and i lost myself and my own principles varnished.

his advice is no matter what situation, try to make up my own judgement first before i response to anything.
don't focus on others' feeling or action first.
from my own judgement, i should know what is right to do and what isn't.
also, once i had my own principles, i should stick with my principles and don't change cos' of others.
he suggests me to listen to more political critics or newspaper and based on the social problems and see if i can make a judgement on the case. it's no right or wrong.
the most important thing for me right now is i have to learn to "KNOW" and develop my own point of view.

Papa sees me from a different perspective.
Many people give me advice, hints or guides.
I feel Papa's advice is more solid.
I don't know which way is right...
but his advice is solid that i can follow to practice i think.

anyhow, i still be thankful to all of my friends who accompany me and give me advices.
i am stubborn.
but i am willing to listen and wanna make a change.
just most of the times, after i listen, i feel even lost.
i am lost of direction.
i need a solid example and direction so that i can follow to make a change.
what to follow and the next step are crucial to me.

thanks so much friends.

>>January 24, 2005 at 11:29:12 AM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

princess flew away.
long flight to London then France.
wish she is happy and no argue with her woody.

discussed the marketing proposal with a colleague this morning.
both we think our company is so non-systematic and
the big boss has so many conceptual ideas which is good
but no one can deduce them into solid executable work.

are two of us too naive and not capable in surviving in business world?

from our discussion, we both think a formal way of working should be this, this, and that.

but seems the work that passed to us is lacking of organization and still v. conceptual.
what we did before like market analysis, competitive analysis, swot analysis,
all seem just for the sake of doing it and no one give it a glimpse.

many ideas from many parties.
but when it lays down to planning, or simply paper-writing, all lost focus.

we didn't understand.
so we work out our own proposal in our own style.
set the vision, mission, values, objectives, goals
mark the status, target, product offering
suggest the positioning, strategy.......

are we doing the right things?

just map out the skeleton and show to the rest.

from this project, i find that i really require myself in some sort of standard. a formal training at work.
i can't do things non-systematically.

also, i find that when something i am familiar, i trust myself and my belief at the begining.
but i will doubt when things are done and being challenged.
very dilemma.

may be i am still lack of wisdom, confidence.
i don't know how to convince others in my may.....

projects still go on.
whether it's in my way or end up being changed to a totally different things
i still have to do my parts.....
i can only give my best part out now.....

yes no regrets. keep doing it.

>>January 20, 2005 at 3:35:24 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

thanks for everyone stands aside me these days.

also thanks for those sincerely gave me any advices / support.

just very appreciated.

i may not able to follow fully of everyone's advice.

i did try to find a way to make myself feel easier and comfortable.

i told myself, at least i didn't cry since monday.

it's better right?

for the rest, i still need time to adjust myself.

i don't understand myself deeply. i dunno if i can get to know myself more from now on.
just work on it la, i think.
anyhow it's a subjective matter.
i still dislike myself. i hope i can love myself more.
but in addition to love myself more, i have to figure out how to make myself both feel comfortable and not hurting others.

princess is right, i lost balance in wisdom, love and compassionate heart.

i thought i am weak in wisdom but have a compassionate heart, but end up i am weak in everything.

be wise.
be strong.
be confidence.
be considerate.
be helpful.
be forgiveful.

so many "be" in my agenda for this year. by end of the year, how much i can achieve?

wisdom can't be changed, it has to accumulate. get more experience to enhance my wisom.
strong but considerate at the same time. strike the balance between two.
confidence. i guess i can pretend first before i can accumulate my wisdom & experience.
helpful but help out wisely. hard and different people have different needs. when & how & where to do what... i have to think it 360 degree.
forgiveful. forgive others. forgive myself.

my mind is so busy. think. think. think. 360 degree for everything i do, i speak, i response, i look.

360 degree.
circle.
sphere.
all-rounded.
comprehensive.
well-covered.

be a good person that i can be proud of myself, or at least i won't hate myself la.
thank you 2005.
thank you RC.
you give me a hard examination ever.

>>January 19, 2005 at 2:33:02 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

whatever happened in this month is really harsh on me...

i lost myself, my values, my judgement...

even worse, i nearly lost my friends....

on sat, i joined BJ & her friends' karaoke after a shooting in DB.

i tried to avoid any close contact with the guy who is being nice to me and took care of me when i was drunk on new year day.

he sms me he liked me for long and i told him already i just broke up and not going to go out with anyone.

on sat, he was drunk after the wedding banquet.

one of his friend asked me to look after him...

well, i was reluntant to say yes. but end up i agree to do so.
cos' i think he was nice to me before,
even i didn't like him, i should treat him like normal friend,
when u see a friend drunk or something,
u should offer help, right?

anyway i dun think just myself can able to look after him,
i intented to ask someone help as well.

his friend passed out his home key and no one take it.
ok. i took it la.
and i asked others to help take him home by taxi.

i didn't go along with the taxi.

but when the taxi left, BJ was mad at me.
she roared and said, "if u don't like my friend, don't ever 'play' my friend like that..." and "u r butt chi sor wei woman"...

i was so hurt.. i didn't 'play' her friend. all i wanna do is to offer help when someone get drunk.

i cried again.

later, kate called me back and explained to me that BJ thought all i did is giving out signal to her friend, all those help, getting taxi n stuff....

i am so sorry. i never intented to give out any signal to him.
i never thought of offering help means giving out signal.

i just wanna be normal friend with him.

for my ex. i black my face i got yell back.
for this guy, i tried to be normal, treat him normal, offer help when a friend is needed, i got yell back again.

i know i am so insensitive & stupid and i deserve a lesson. BJ angry with me has her reasons. i don't mind she yelled at me. i just so lost for myself.

BJ is right i should be more clever next time.

BJ's fire is gone. and i still feel so sorry.

her friend did call yesterday. i was sleeping. i told him nothing happen. everything is all set. i was sleepy and cut off the phone later.

i know he is upset. he is drunk and he doesn't want anything happened.

i feel sorry for him. but i don't think i can go out with him.
i would rather have friends more than anything.

God, please help me clear my mind.
what should i do? when should do what?
anyone can tell me?
should i just follow my heart

>>January 17, 2005 at 12:51:22 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

i cried cried and cried last nite.
for over 3 hours...

different people called me during i cried...
some people know, some people surprised, some people stayed aside me.

BJ said, "Tomorrow should be better. Day after tomorrow will be even better."

Kate said,"Why can't you black face on him? black him face whenever u want. make urself as happy as possible"

Louis said,"Diu gau him la. why still crying babe?"

Pang said,"if u quit ur job, i quit with u lor."

Prince & Princess left message,"i am the only person who can take care of myself and remember to focus on breathing"

i lied to my mom,"i am not crying. i am only getting flu. many works to do, i won't come back tonight."

end up i hide myself at Kate's home.

Thanks for her host.
Thanks for pang coming back even he left already.

my eyes are swollen like big peaches. my eyes are even smaller than before.
BJ said if my eyes are small enough, further i cry, i will be blind. also i have no figure at all, at the end i have to marry a blind man even though that guy is rich. A pair of blind couple to go consulting eye doctor.

ok i stepped on the weight.
this is a record low.
only 103Ibs....

what am i doing? i dunno.
i can't eat, i can't sleep.
i can only come to work. but afraid of doing things not in a proper way.

today is v. cold.
will i die cos' of coldness?

be strong, be tough, i can get over this. i told myself.
many people are even in worser situation than mine.

kate reminded me, a man yelling to a woman is same as beating a woman.
it made me think..
i only blacken my face to him once. and i got yell by him.
but during this year, how many times he had harden his face to me?
did he feel how hurt i could be when he did that to me?

but my choice to him is to apology.

Louis & Kate both said i shouldn't do so. Louis even said i am coward.

i really dun understand what is right and what is wrong. do i follow my heart and that's enough? or do i have to take care of other's feeling but hide my own is the best?

prince sent me this message:
跳 - 朱德庸
我從11樓跳下去......
我看到10樓
恩愛的夫婦正在亙毆......
我看到9樓
堅強的Peter正在偷偷哭泣......
8樓的Y妹
發現未婚夫婦跟好朋友上床......
7樓的丹丹
在吃抗抑鬱藥丸......
6樓的失業的阿信
還是每天看7份報紙找工作......
5樓受人敬重的王老師
正在偷穿老婆的內衣......
4樓的Rose
又和男友鬧分手......
3樓的Y伯
每天都盼望有人來探訪......
2樓的Lily還在看那
結婚半年就失蹤的老公照片
在我跳下之前
我以為我是世上最倒霉的人......
現在我才知道
每個人都有不為人知的困境......
我看完他們之後深深覺得
其實自己過得還不錯.......
所有剛才被我看到的人,
現在都在看著我......
我想他們看了我以後,
也會覺得其實自己過得還不錯......

>>January 14, 2005 at 6:55:23 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 13 日 星期四 【晴】

didn't write this for a few days...
get busy & lazy.

i saw him yesterday.
i thought i can escape from seeing him yesterday.
end up i still had to see him...

i know i was escaping from seeing him..
keep talking on phones.
ignore him.

the worst is the more i wanna escape, the more nasty my face shown to him.

finally i got a call from him today.
yelling at me that he said he didn't deserve the nasty look i bestowed to him yesterday.

i am v. sorry for that.
i know i look nasty but i am really hurt and can't smile or be normal.

i know he is saying me stupid & ma fan to others.

he said how nasty i behavior, he can pay me back the double.

i know he can do it. he can did it great.

he said i always did wrong, give nasty look, he yelled at me, i say sorry and the cycle repeats n repeats.

i do want to tell him he is not in good attitude to me too.

i am also a person...

i know i am not as good at work as him. but am i really that stupid as he thinks?

my confidence has never been this low ever in my life.

my self-esteem is not high before... now even worst.

i still have to work with him. see him.

i feel suffocate. i feel hurt.

i promise myself i have to be normal. stay normal. treat him as normal colleague.
i can't show my feelings when i face him.
but whenever i face i am at work. i should be professional.

i know i am not clever. to me, i can't do job well. not efficient, not improving.

but does he know i tried my best? i really did.

i wanna be better too.

he said Thank you to me not giving him a better end with me.
he said in 2005 the first time he met me, i gave him a nasty look.
he said whatever he said, no matter how many times i won't understand.
he said i am not fit for this company.
he said if i wanna cry, he can give me what i want.
he said he really didn't want to work with me. he can quit just cos' of me.
he said everything change cos of one's nasty action.
he said i have no use to sit in front of the computer and work work work. being more clever in other areas to help myself and help others.
he said i misunderstand his point and didn't know the full picture.
he said i knew too few.
he said my world is little.

i am a nasty person.
i am a stupid person.
i am a dumb person with low working ability.
i am a cow at work for no achievement.
i am a ma fan person n give people so many troubles.
i am a devil who makes people leave the company.
i am a frog at the bottom of the well.
i am a naive person.
i am a sorry-forever person.

i am not a person at all.

i really dunno what i can do.

i wanna quit this job. but i know it is a weak behavior a loser will do.

i wanna be stronger and smarter.

i don't wanna being yell by him anymore.

i said sorry to him. said sorry again.
i want to have a peaceful end and a normal relationship with him from now on.

i hate myself. even more.
i hate my tears.
i hate my stupidness.
i hate everything in myself.

i totally lost myself here. in him.
all my mind is now only scare. only tears. only worries. only problems may happen at work.

God, please help me.
i can't stop my tears. my frustration.
am i really as wrong, stupid, nasty as he think?

i really dunno what to do...

>>January 13, 2005 at 8:20:52 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 8 日 星期六 【晴】

o o o o...
slept slept slept....
drinking beer,
competing in karaoke, (our K games with BJ & others)
crying loud if feel like to....

it was good.
drinking makes my mind sleepy
i can sleep as much as i want afterwards.
but i swear to myself i won't get drunk
like what i did on Jan 1, 05 midnight...
it was too bad for a girl being unconsciouos after drunk.
so so so sorry for bothering all the friends at that nite.
esp the one who took care of me till home.
just wanna to express deepest regrets & heartful thanks here.

tarot reading yesterday.
ronnie said my family may not be so good and my mom & aunt have to beware of their health.
but my dad is ok.
that's very good. i am always worried about my dad.
for life, there is a dramatic change on job & love.
i will have baby??!!!
i don't want to have a baby if i am not married or the financial status is not good bor...
i will be careful then.
but my love won't be my ex...
when i heard of it, i cried again.
who is my love then? a mature man with money wor.
how come in tarot no cards showing my career???
what a love-addicted person i am

ok ok BJ & Kate, i will remember:
BJ - need a pschiatrist, a mini cooper, a 24-hr standby lawyer
Kate - need a Mercedes, a WWP's O&M

what will my royal family need??
princess should be a funding for victims & her meditation trip.
prince should be a home for herself...

i better warn my future husband, please go find more money.

i don't think i am such a lucky one to get such a husband.
someone loves me back and we support each other is v. good to me la.

meeting this one or not this year shouldn't be an agenda la.
just amend my heart & soul now
be happy will be the biggest goal for me in 2005!

>>January 8, 2005 at 12:33:10 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 6 日 星期四 【晴】

tears,,,
just like a broken pipe..
running out of my eyes

no wallet, sitting in the taxi
bursting into tears

feel so vulnerable.
a pathetic fallacy

thanks for pang pang's rescue.
still owe him $120 for taxi fare

sorry to the taxi driver. sorry to pang pang.
sorry for scaring all of you.

somehow i know i am lucky
i got so many people care about me.
someone will check up on me everyday to see how i am doing.
someone will concern about me and chat with me on icq
someone will keep me feeding me up with food
someone will drink with me, crazy with me and allow me to be abnormal
someone far in US were so worried about me before even now

i should be graceful and a happy girl.
a tearful me just wanna apologize for their efforts & love

thanks my royal family, BJ, kate, pooh, lung, pat, pang pang.

strive for stronger & tougher
hope not to lose myself in sorrow & tears anymore.

>>January 7, 2005 at 5:42:03 AM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 5 日 星期三 【晴】

i watched the gala premier of Alexandar yesterday.
thanks for reo's free ticket.

this is the movie i really didn't enjoy much.
too violent and this is the only movie i have the feeling of throw-up.

but i realize the power of desire in this movie.
Alexandar the great had great desire.
He wish to conqur the far east and prove himself.
He wants different ethnics to merge together and equal to each other.

his dream is good. but just desire kills many ignorants. esp. his troops.

i finally understand why princess said
Desire is the root of pain.

Alexandar end up being alone and distant from others.
he can't face himself being turned to a tyrant.
his orginal hope is not that.
his fate ends up in trategy.

someone's desire / dream can become others' torture.

did i torture my friends? did i torture my ex?
i think i may.

last nite i also had a very bad dream.
in the dream, i lost my right leg but able to get back with my ex.
it is so scary. i woke up in the midnight and can't back to sleep.

i am so scared that i can't face myself losing my leg even though i can get back my most desired person.
i am so scared that i had a feeling that i prefer keeping my leg instead of him.
i am so scared that i doubt myself loving me more than him.

people used to say if you truly love someone, you will scarifice for them.
i want my leg but not him.

why?

in my dream, my desire hurts myself not others.
in reality, my desire hurts whom?
i am sorry to those i ever hurt cos' of my desire.
i feel damn guilted and depressed.

>>January 5, 2005 at 12:54:43 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 4 日 星期二 【晴】

Thx for my princess invited me to her diary.
when i read that one of the princess' friend is crying all days for her love. i did wanna cry.

I opened a diary before. but didn't write much.

now decided to write something. may be simply for myself or a few close friends.
I dunno how to type chinese. can only write English.

This is something i wrote for my ex before:
The gift you ever gave me is an invisible cloak.
For you i put it on, never put it off.
I am still there under the cloak.
Wondering, in you, do i have an invisible spot?
Time to time, you come to lift the cloak.
I am either like a smiling or weeping dog.
I should know, Smile & Patient is the only body that fits the cloak.
Put off the cloak one day. Soar into the highest sky.

Finally i put off this cloak on Dec 30, 04 at 0000.
I realize that i didn't love myself much when i re-read the thing i wrote above.
Many ppl told me so. i just solely indulge myself there. Didn't listen to others or myself at all.
Something i should find or notice long before. I just choose to escape or ignore it.

I don't know if i could really soar into the highest sky from now on.
I really hope i could.
Princess is right.
Love yourself more, and be more confident. People will respect you & love you more.
Like LaLa's forward email, "任何一個人出生時，都帶著「身而為人」的價值來到這個世界。除了自己，別人無從增加、也無從剝奪你的價值。"

Hope all my friends, prince & princess, all of you can find your Real Self.
I am working hard to find mine...
confused and heading to no where.
but i will try.

Thankx princess, i will try to be friend with my breathing.
Prince, keep it up, you & i are both looking for our Real Self. each of us get our own problems. Don't be so lost.

Here is my new writing to my ex:
mingle in the net
struggle for breath
love is not enough to bridge our gap
break the net
set free two souls
you leave without a stare
but my tears in the air
go reach your goals with no regrets
amend my soul
i will smile under shiny lights
hope you all the best

sooner or later, i won't have any more tears or only the happy tears left.

>>January 4, 2005 at 1:57:31 PM GMT+8