2005 年 3 月 2 日 星期三 【陰】

another sleepless night
mood swings
roar like a rocket
drop like a comet

tick-tock
tick-tock
clock inside pounding
hard and loud

memories in mind flashing
detached yet so close

in touch like anew
run after two polars
feeling two extremes

wispers in air, asking me to
set off to a calm ocean
take on a single excursion....

>>March 2, 2005 at 9:40:49 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 27 日 星期日 【晴】

finally i turned in my application to CU.
hope i can get into it la.

it's a long way to CU.
long road.
longing dreams.

sick in hospital last week.
in on thurs. out on sat.
spent over $8,700.
too much...

health is really important.
i wanna get healthy.
should stop any spicy food now.
i wanna get healthy and strong.
should take care of myself.
no one willl take of me otherwise...

bought 2 fishes last week.
named after AC & RC.
RC is good at eating.
every morning when i fed them, RC will rush to the food the 1st.
worried about AC.
why he always looks for food at the bottom of the tank?
AC can't play with RC. whenever he comes near, RC will bite him.
oh.. AC gets stronger. Fight Back!

he icqed me last sat.
he told me his grandma likes me.
so?? what should i say besides thanks.
anyhow appreciated his greet n care for my illness.
my tone are just plain. i just dunno what to response.

he yahooed me tonight.
told me he will go to BJ with grandma.
asked me wanna go...
dunno what to answer.
just told him to enjoy with grandma la.

ok. what m i doing?
sorry. just too bad..
should delete him from now on?
so i can get on my life?
do i dare to do so?
i know i don't.
but this will make me think of this n that...
stop thinking go to bed sin....
whenever i can't think of anything,
i choose to go to bed.
bed is good. i love sleeping!

>>February 27, 2005 at 12:20:55 AM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 10 日 星期四 【陰】

tonight from the window of a bus
i saw many flowers in the sky

brightest in hue
biggest in size
shortest in life

they color the sky
dye the sea with joyful cry

crowd on the harbour side
my friends are you there to make a cry?

be the flower in the sky
life is as short as this fireworks in our minds

live it with shine
strike into our hearts & souls
even it is just a second in life
make people cry for this second with genuine pride

>>February 10, 2005 at 9:20:03 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

today someone sent me a CNY greeting sms.
i thought it's funny so i forwarded to my friends.

in the sms, it asked people to forward it out otherwise will be broke.

i m just being lazy and i don't mean to curse anyone or have any intention to make people "broke"...
so i simply forward it out without editing it.

a friend replied saying that not to forward the chain sms and it is not enjoyable to being cursed. and ask me to please be considerate...

oh...
cos' of my laziness..
i make a mistake again.

honestly i didn't take such kind of sms so seriously.
it's just a wish...

my friend said it is a conditional wish with a curse.

i am sad for what i did.
i really have no intention to curse anyone.
just cos' of lazy and it ends up become a bad wish and a curse.

i realize that sometimes something u don't feel / take it seriously;
others will take it very seriously and be pissed off.

my brain is just so incapable and not develop in full.
i always make such kind of mistake and make ppl upset.

i hate to upset ppl but everytime i make ppl really really upset.

i found that whenever i do stuff, i didn't view it thoroughly and did things based on my own judgement.

my own judgement is so naive and others simply didn't judge like that.

dealing with others is so comprehend. so complicated.
i wanna escape.
i wanna stay alone. all by myself.
i dun wanna talk to others.
the more i talk the more mistakes i make.

i wanna find a spot that make myself comfortable now.
dun wanna upset others. upset myself.

is it rude? being selfishly and avoid others?

i m so envy ppl who dare to say out their feeling & make their choices.
i m such a coward... afraid of so many things and afraid of others....

>>February 10, 2005 at 2:30:58 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

today someone sent me a CNY greeting sms.
i thought it's funny so i forwarded to my friends.

in the sms, it asked people to forward it out otherwise will be broke.

i m just being lazy and i don't mean to curse anyone or have any intention to make people "broke"...
so i simply forward it out without editing it.

a friend replied saying that not to forward the chain sms and it is not enjoyable to being cursed. and ask me to please be considerate...

oh...
cos' of my laziness..
i make a mistake again.

honestly i didn't take such kind of sms so seriously.
it's just a wish...

my friend said it is a conditional wish with a curse.

i am sad for what i did.
i really have no intention to curse anyone.
just cos' of lazy and it ends up become a bad wish and a curse.

i realize that sometimes something u don't feel / take it seriously;
others will take it very seriously and be pissed off.

my brain is just so incapable and not develop in full.
i always make such kind of mistake and make ppl upset.

i hate to upset ppl but everytime i make ppl really really upset.

i found that whenever i do stuff, i didn't view it thoroughly and did things based on my own judgement.

my own judgement is so naive and others simply didn't judge like that.

dealing with others is so comprehend. so complicated.
i wanna escape.
i wanna stay alone. all by myself.
i dun wanna talk to others.
the more i talk the more mistakes i make.

i wanna find a spot that make myself comfortable now.
dun wanna upset others. upset myself.

is it rude? being selfishly and avoid others?

i m so envy ppl who dare to say out their feeling & make their choices.
i m such a coward... afraid of so many things and afraid of others....

>>February 10, 2005 at 2:30:34 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

cleaning home is tiring...
i mostly clean my own room...
and dig out a lot of junk...

this year i decided to throw away my old stuff, old thoughts and start a new life
with my little room first....

but i found my K3 kindergarten writing book... ha ha
it's so funny to look back to 23 years ago, what did a 5 year old will write on her writing book...

I guess that was my summer English practising copybook... cos the date is 8-4-1982.
and i wrote my name is "Ms. So" in chinese. but i mis-wrote the word "姐" wrongly.
hahaha

all i wrote there are simple English vocabulary and sentense...
something like:
He is a policeman.
He is a farmer.
She is a doctor.

vocabulary like:
pencil
box
rubber....

i think i am v. diligent when i was small.. how come so lazy now???!!!

i am sure i won't dare to throw this little writing book away...

i am really a gabbage woman... so many old stuff wanna keep and don't dare to throw it away...

last sun, i went to thank god with BJ & Kate.

we both think 2004 has a dramatic change on all of us.
BJ gets title increment & salary increment and finds her job satisfactory.
Kate broke up with Ah Bee and become a career woman and enjoying herself as single now, which she never thoughts she fonds of this ever.
Me, in love with someone, broke up, back again and broke up again within a year. but they both spot that i become more "thankful" to my life than before. which is a good improvement.

when we discussed our own jobs... i think they are v. career-minded and improved a lot.
that makes me think am i stucking at the same spots without any progress?

they are right, at this point of career life, they can't simply follow what the senior ask them to do.
when things come up, they have to offer solution and why & how they come up this solution and how will it help on the crisis.

I am so admired their thoughts...
i always feel so hindered when i face any problems...
i can't get solution out..

i should learn and practise this as well.

setting up small goals for myself.
start from some tiny things may make me feel better and improving gwa..
hope so la.

these days i also met him in office.
and i am glad that i made a decision on last friday.
i told my MM that i am busy in handling other stuff and unable to work on a project which i need to constantly contact with him.
my MM releases me from that project and i successfully pass it to the AM.

I feel bad for this selfish decision.
but i feel good as i can find a comfortable spot for myself.

can i treat this as an improvement???!!!!

>>February 8, 2005 at 12:02:38 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 4 日 星期五 【陰】

two days ago, i saw him again in office.
i went to have a meeting with a colleague afterwards.
honestly i dunno how to face him and have a meeting with someone else is good.
i know he will misunderstand my act.

and at nite, when i checked his profile on icq, he changes his name to 情歸於盡.一

i know he feels bad on my move to have meeting.

anyhow, i sent him an icq and asked for my necklace which i left at his home back.
and i say hello to him and told him wish we should be friends one day.

he replied that he will sure return the necklace to me and can talk anytime with me.
he also said he will leave soon.

i know he had job offer.
congratulation to him and wish him luck.
he politely wish me all the best in return.
so polite and so not him.

i also greeted his grandma for happy CNY which i really want to say.
cos' i like his grandma.
he replied i am so nice. and said "actually u can be her grand daughter, but... forget it"

anyway, i like his grandma and i really wish her healthy and happy always.

afterwards, he changed his name to "aquacool"...
is it coinstance? or am i really too sensitive?
anyway, it passed.
stay as friends. keep as normal colleague relationship is the best i can do.

yesterday nite, he icq me again saying he may stay behind and not taking the job offer.
i asked him why, he just said he make decision for his own life.
i just replied, "u always do. just take the best option for the moment"
and our conversation over.

gosh, indeed i am really afraid on the work stuff when he said he will leave.
cos' many things i am not sure and never did before.
but i am glad, we can separate apart and have a Real separation.

now he may stay back, i am afraid of being yell by him on work stuff.
i don't wanna confront with him at the moment.

am i too naive and not mature?
and it is so unprofessional.

but i just wanna myself stay in normal mood, don't wanna make myself down again.
it's an escape.
so coward....

today i told my manager, i can't handle part of my job due to overloaded on other stuff.
so i requested to pass some work which i need to confront him to the AM.

it's not good. but i choose to do so.
sorry. i will forgive myself this time.
cos' i really want me to have a happier life even i choose to a stupid way to avoid him.

>>February 4, 2005 at 6:58:28 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 1 日 星期二 【雨】

誠心, 適合

these days, his last few words kept bounding in my head....
one of his goals in 2005 is to 誠心的找一個適合他的女朋友...
i did ask him once what do i not suitable for him?
he said nothing. only told me, the feeling is gone.

these days, i kept thinking.
well he is right.
a guy without his 誠心 to me,
no matter how hard i try,
we will never 適合 each other.

honestly i am not 甘心
but i also know i can do nothing
but help myself to let go.

a colleague told me
i only made my decision emotionally.
never did it in a rational way...
理性的, 感性的決定
if rational enough, i should know what to choose and what is best for myself.

am i wrongly devote myself to a wrong one?
i dun wanna blame anyone.
not to him. not to myself.

afterall, it may be as simple as he said
誠心 and 適合
without these two qualities
nothing can work out...

多一點 遠一點 讓我自在地沉默
少一點 短一點 只是習慣的熟絡
自由了 掏空了 或許能解開疑惑
被擁抱著為何還是寂寞

有多久 忘了過自己的生活
貪戀你 只因曾擁有幸福
卻無力獨自承受失落

自己走路逛街吃飯掉眼淚偶爾望海看看星星寫日記
不用你辛苦奔波陪我散心聊天下廚做飯呵我

努力的過自己的生活吧!

>>February 1, 2005 at 11:53:21 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 31 日 星期一 【晴】

During the weekend, i did nothing, mainly went to work and slept at home.

feel so lazy.. wanna clean up the room but too lazy to do so...

i also kept logging on icq & yahoo msger under invisible mode....

my same old practice... spying on my ex...

checking if he was online / offline...

wondering when did he go...

i found that i am so obessed in doing such things.
i know i shouldn't do so.
i have no rights to do that now.
it's none of my business.
whether he is home or dating with anyone.
i can do nothing with it...

i think i am either too obessed to depend on others
or i just can't let go of this relationship.

i keep telling myself i have to quit checking on him.
i tried to read books, go to sleep, etc. etc.

none can help.
still checking.
sigh...

no one can help me quit doing this but myself.

CNY is coming.
i should start my agenda...
1. Start clean up my room
2. Prepare my resume for job hunt
3. Finish the application of CU M.S.Sc Corp. Communication Program
4. Save $$$
(1 thing is happy cos' i get my bonus today! it's out of my expectation. it's more than average. and i discussed my performance with my MM, she is satisfied with my work ability. It's a good sign *o*)
5. Go to full body check and get healthy
6. Be positive and stay happy (<-- hard for the moment, but i will try look at the small things and cheer myself up)

For my work, i am glad that MM is ok for my work. But i didn't see a good career path here. I wanna achieve a better career. I know i have the ability to that.

May be it is my own ego. I don't want to look down by my ex.
i will fight to work hard & get a better job & salary.
i want to prove myself not as dumb as he thinks.

sigh. i shouldn't think of him.
i should work for myself. not for him.
yes! for myself. for my own good.

I am doing right thing. work hard. and prepare for the future.
no one can rely on other than myself.
gonna do it... 30 is coming ga la..
not much time left.
o....

>>January 31, 2005 at 5:58:11 PM GMT+8

2005 年 1 月 27 日 星期四 【陰】

feeling silly yesterday.
but i know i still can't get over him.

wanna stroll around TST yesterday.
but Pang Pang told me he would have dinner with other girl friends together in TST.

oh well. so afraid of seeing anything i don't wanna see.
my head down when i walked.
walked v. fast.

i know my problem is creating so many stories in my head.
but i am just so afraid.
so uneasy.

i know i can't get over him. i can't accept if i saw he went out with others.
anyway i know it's none of my biz.
i keep telling myself....
breath in...
breath out...
breath in...
breath out...

head still keep thinking images when i breath.

i should learn - being separated should accept anything shown in front of me, whether i like it or not.

i told myself i can live. i can eat. i can breath is v. lucky lei.
ok...
breath in...
breath out...
breath in...
breath out...

mind is blank
heart is hurt
hand is shaking

thinking. stop.
thinking. stop.
thinking. stop.
just like the CX TVC...

heard this song on the street in TST:
成千上萬個門口 總有一個人要先走
懷抱既然不能逗留 何不在離開的時候
一邊享受 一邊淚流
十年之前我不認識你 你不屬於我 我們還是一樣
陪在一個陌生人左右 走過漸漸熟悉的街頭
十年之後我們是朋友 還可以問候 只是那種溫柔
再也找不到擁抱的理由 情人最後難免淪為朋友
直到和你做了多年朋友 才明白我的眼淚
不是為你而流 也為別人而流
~ 十年. 陳奕迅

are we friends after 10 years??

at home, i listened to this:
忽然間 毫無緣故 再多的愛 也不滿足
想你的眉目 想的迷糊 不知不覺讓我中毒
忽然間 很需要保護 假如世界一瞬間結束
假如你退出 我只是說假如
不是不明白 太想看清楚 反而讓你的面目變得模糊
越在乎的人 越小心安撫 反而連一個吻也留不住
我也不想這麼樣 反反覆覆 反正最後每個人都孤獨
你的甜蜜變成我的痛苦 離開你有沒有幫助
我也不想這麼樣 起起伏伏 反正每段關係都是孤獨
眼看感情變成一個包袱 都怪我太渴望得到 你的保護
~我也不想這樣. 王菲

i am not myself everytime i go out with someone...
may be i just look for too much? too depend on others?
i suddenly remember Papa told me once, "感情上依賴, 也是一個包袱, 一種壓力"

i think of another lyrics. and think of him:
後來 我總算學會了如何去愛 可惜你 早已遠去 消失在人海
後來 終於在眼淚中明白 有些人 一旦錯過就不再
梔子花白花瓣 落在我藍色百褶裙上
愛你 你輕聲說 我低下頭聞見一陣芬芳
那個永恆的夜晚 十七歲仲夏 你吻我的那個夜晚
讓我往後的時光 每當有感歎 總想起當天的星光
那時候的愛情 為什麼就能那樣簡單
而又是為什麼 人年少時 一定要讓深愛的人受傷
在這相似的深夜裡 你是否一樣 也在靜靜追悔感傷
如果當時我們能 不那麼倔強 現在也不那麼遺憾
你都如何回憶我 帶著笑或是很沉默
這些年來 有沒有人能讓你不寂寞
永遠不會再重來 有一個男孩 愛著那個女孩
~後來. 劉若英

hope there will be someone make him laugh, make him smile & comfort.
all the best from my heart.

>>January 27, 2005 at 5:18:18 PM GMT+8