2006 年 11 月 19 日 星期日 【颳風】

things are finally getting back on track~
life continues regardless how u want to face it~
and i am tellin u i won't give up no matter wat~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~life at work~
a coworker was advicing me not to show how i felt on my face
she said i would get hurt, actually the direct quote was more like
"i can read you just like dat!!!" i noe she meant well, but it rilly bugs me.
so.... now wat? we are suppose to be fake towards one another?
she also said, you might want to be fake like the bosses too,
that way you will find it easier to communicate with them
i probably had a look on my face that reads "you must be kidding me!!!"
because she patted on my shoulder and said next,
"well, I was just like you when I first started working, on my first job,
and I learned through the hard way that it's better to put on a mask"
wat immediatedly came to my mind was....
this ain't my first job, how can i have kept being so dumb and immature
through all these years at work....does that means i had never grew any better
from all these years of working experience????
i guess she was right about putting on a mask at work to protect yourself
but i have always thought that it's alright to show your true self as long as
you are doing your job ....... or am i just being naive?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the thought of quitting came into my mind for more than once
the thought that this might affect my studies become the main concern
the thought that i needed the time to study more than the money to study kicks in
but these thoughts make me scared. i have always been weak
and usually just gives up easily on things in life
i dun want to be like that anymore
it sucks to feel so weak about urself, it sucks not to have complete control over the situation
suddenly, i wish i was like the others, who manage time so well that a job doesn't bother them at all
but the thinking days are over, i have gotta learn to manage time!!!
and i'm not quitting this job!!!! I AM DAMN SERIOUS!
gotta persuade myself i can grow stronger! both emotionally and in maturity!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~life at skool~
guess wat, i got accepted into the field course with JESS!!!!
so glad! finally a relief, and for once, it felt like i was doing something right
and useful for my future!!! Alquonquin here i come!!!
but i'm still waiting for news for the other 2 field courses,
i'm just glad coz this course won't interfere with my play time with jason in the summer
HOHOHO~ it's too good to be true~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 midterms next week, and i'm on a studying spreee!
gotta do well! coz it's is my only chance for marks rebound before exams!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~life with jason~
i miss the summer, i miss hanging out with u and ur brother
we had such gd times, gd laughing times,
we played hard, now it's time to work even harder,
and until next summer, we gotta work towards our goal.
i had never lost faith in you, and i never will!
who said you had to hold hands every day for your relationship to stay fresh
just by reading the little text msgs u sent me already puts a smile on my face
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
forgive those who doubt you, for they don't know any better
treasure those who believe in you, for it's not easy for them too
love those who brought you into this world, their courage shall be rewarded
but love those who brought you up even more, for they walked a long way with you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~life at home~
i am learning to accept i have no choice~
we don't choose our families, we were placed there by god for a reason
and watever the reason is, it's thicker than blood
if i could walk in their shoes, i would probably know why they are so angry with me
but since i can't, all i can do is go by my gut feelings and do watever i can to please them
and if that ain't gd enough, i don't think i can do any more than that
it's like a stab in my heart everytime i sense my dad's getting old
it could be that he misplaced his car keys, or he forgot to turn off the headlights
to see him get so frustrated with work and himself, i felt horrible
and wat's more horrible is that i can't support him financially yet
it kind of sucks to feel that you are leeching on your family
i wish that one day soon enough i can say to my parents
you guys should retire, you don't need to worry about making a living anymore, i can handle it,
and that smile on their face are priceless, i know

>>November 21, 2006 at 5:47:26 PM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 17 日 星期五 【乍雨乍晴】

想當初罵一句先心痛
到如今打一場也是空
相交一場如春夢
人無千日好
花無百日紅
想起往日交情
好笑我真懵懂
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
X先生你大概誤會大學文憑是世界之匙﹐
開啟順風順水之門﹐這並不正確﹐
讀書目的是進修學問﹐拓闊胸襟﹐
但是人生疏有煩惱不多不少永遠追隨﹐
只不過學識涵養可以令一個人更加理智冷靜地分析處理這些難題而已。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
今日系ut有畢業禮行~
系convocation hall前面有人擺檔賣花~
眼見朋友的男友即場買左一打花送俾拒~katrin一邊系側邊摸心口~
我反而無咩感覺~如果陳生系身邊~我唔希望拒送花~我想要既...
系凍冰冰既手瀝住一杯熱辣辣既hotchocolate~諗起已經滿足~
定系有一句說話~冷天飲雪水﹐點滴在心頭~
或者有男友系身邊~就算飲凍水個心都系暖掛~
需然男友唔系身邊~不過可幸既系放工我自己重識整杯hotchoc暖身~
甘大個女都淨系收過一次花~系一盆盆果隻~
記得系一個鬼妹仔送俾我做生日禮物既~
可惜~好快盤花就死左囉XDDDDD~我根本唔識合養有生命既野~
不論系植物或者系動物~重記得中學既時候去朋友屋企玩蒼鼠~
第二日就死左啦~自己唯一養過既寵物金魚亦都沖左落廁所~XD
我宣佈放棄!!!要我照顧小動物~倒不如由陳生照顧我吧啦XD

>>November 18, 2006 at 12:35:21 PM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 16 日 星期四 【颱風】

記得記得記得
記得忘記記得
記得記得記得

難道你沒有想過~
是下意識去忘記﹐真的不想回想那段荒唐日子...
還是在你心中那些人那些事已一點位置也沒留下?
他再也傷害不到你了~這真是一件寬心的事~
現在他怎樣怎樣~也不能再影響你了~
對喔~一路下來~早已走出陰影了~只是現在才發覺吧~

像脫了皮一樣~再世為人了~
相比起別人的男友~我的有三百分吧~
也要謝過前面那個~做了負二百分的壞蛋~
如果一生人最多也只能得到一百分的伴侶~
真的要感謝前面那個他把我徹底傷害透~
祂才能安排這個他與我碰上~成為我的三百分歸宿吧~

而那個他呢...終於碰壁了~看到他受傷了~
那個他的她替從前的我出了一口氣呢~
我恨他嗎?我相信不~只是替從前的自己不值~
從前的我竟這麼不濟~讓他把我當傻子耍了~
從前總相信被傷害只因自己不夠好~
還以為愛的方法錯了~原來...方法沒有錯~錯的只是對象~
正如你不會善待一個連環殺手吧~呵呵~

你常常說我太善忘~總是記不起別人的不是~
也不用記吧~反正現在有你提點我~保護我了~
我也樂得做個笨蛋~天天繞在你身邊嘻笑渡日~

得到幸福女神的眷顧~不就是我倆麼~
也許真的有小精靈在我們的頭頂上轉圈呢~你說不是嗎?

>>November 17, 2006 at 10:54:08 AM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 14 日 星期二 【乍雨乍晴】

首先同亞jen講句生日快樂啦~終於同我地一樣踏二字頭既人生啦~
蚊﹐jen﹐我~已前成人諗~邊個會嫁先~已前總系覺得結婚系好遠既事~
但系到而家~二十歲啦~五年後?定系六年後呢~總系覺得亞jen會系最快結婚果個~
總系想象到亞jen第日就好似jen 媽甘~系屋企相父教子~做幸福少奶奶~
自己呢?唔知道~有朋友話真系想嫁俾男朋友都唔應該講出口~
如果講左就唔值錢架啦~>O<~真既?甘我咪一早已經唔值錢羅~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
連續番左五日工今日終於都放假啦~第四晚比熱水辣親隻右手~
我而家先知咩叫十指痛歸心~真系痛到喊~雖然即時噴左止痛噴霧~
但系一樣紅晒腫晒~番到屋企亞爸即刻車我去藥房埋燙傷膏搽手~
都依然好痛~跟住打比jason~我知拒好心痛+唔想我辛苦~所以叫我不如唔好做啦~
但系我唔想甘容易放棄~如果一份甘簡單既工我都做唔好~
甘易就打退堂鼓~甘人生既路甘長~點行落去亞~
一有少少唔如意就放棄?點挨落去亞~training系甘架啦~
況且~好好彩架啦~我零經驗拒都請~無理由比個機會白白溜走架!
雖然呢間secondcup真系好fast paced同埋好多野做~
不過學到野呀麻~我終於識得整cafe latte啦~重有 caramel coretto,
vanilla bean latte, chai latte, white hot chocolate, moccachino!!!
不過尋日我亦都鼓起勇氣~同老細講左過埋training我會番少D!
拒都ok~一個禮拜至多番三日~好快就會儲夠錢買laptop架啦~
到下個 term唔同timetable~大條道理再番少D啦~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
不過好似激嬲左陳生~我知拒系嬲我無同拒講就自己去左醞工+番工~
甘...我都系明知拒唔話俾先唔講~我知拒緊我架~但系要錢亞麻~
亞爸同我地講聽日辭工啦~我系度諗~系咪時候我要俾家用呢???
最怕亞爸辭左工日日系企實鬧我~加上拒實整呢樣整果樣~
我睇黎都有排忙啦~希望拒辭左工個人會開心D~無甘大壓力啦~
我都好擔心拒~同埋亞媽~其實拒地好大年紀架啦~
都唔知幾時我先至出身~亞爸亞媽先可以享福~
好怕令亞爸亞媽失望~幾時先可以好似家姐甘?
有醞定既工~有車~有樓~有老公~有俾家用呢???
我而家一樣都未做到.....五年後~有幾多樣做得到???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
修改:入番自己日記~
見到個日記名同果行識得跟住cursor郁 既浮字都改左~
就知道陳生入過黎我日記搞鬼XD~多謝你喔~
可惜我都重未做得到果兩件事呢~你講過...
1)切忌為小事擔心
2)所有事都系小事
我明白亦都日日提醒自己~但依然未做得到~
明知有D野唔系我可以控制~但系依然系到擔心~
次次半夜三四點你重唔訓~
都系因為你怕我一個人亂諗野所以陪住我~
就算我要做功課唔系同你傾緊計你都照樣陪我~
真系好怕你會挨唔住~終於病倒>O<~但系見你甘錫我~
話唔感動就厄你啦~不過我唔想因為甘影響你身體同學業><
今年我地兩個都要讀好D書~為未來拼搏!!!!

>>November 15, 2006 at 2:09:22 PM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 10 日 星期五 【颳風】

知唔知最多筆劃既中文字係邊個??
該字的來歷~
秦王合併七國建立秦王朝後一日出游,
路遇一老農在田間吃麵,
看上去非常享受.
於是派李斯上前詢問那是什麼麵.
老農厭惡秦王的殘暴統治,
於是隨口應到"Biang Biang 面".
李斯回報秦王,
秦王問斯Biang字怎麼寫?
為怕答不出秦王發怒,
李斯臨時機智造出此超級變態的字。


>>November 10, 2006 at 6:38:19 PM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

new job today!!! 'so how has it been?' you asked.
i rilly dunno wat to say. fairly busy at second cup
lots of nice long time customers, nice boss who teaches you everything
fast paced. but all my coworkers are fantastic
the boss's wife is caring and understandable
AND work is work. what more can you ask for???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
dat's y i dun understand when tears start to form at the end of the day!!!
were those happy tears? i suppose not
was i sad then? i dunno
but wat could i possibly be sad about???
could it be... another new staff on training? Who's super fast and smart,
with a computer science degree and yet working here full time?
'HEY! THAT COULD EASILY BE U!!!' this keeps pounding in my heart
even with gd education, who said you would land on a gd job?
there's so much uncertainty. and so little hope.
i guess working shouldn't even be about fun.
i wanted a job in the first place because of money
let's just keep dat in mind and noe where i am heading off to
this is only temporary. i mustn't forget!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's weird. i dun even feel like eating chips.
sis got a bunch of chips and gave me some.
but as much as i loved chips. i didn't feel like chips at all!!!
and if u know me . u would noe that's creepy >O<
so here i am. thinking i have gone crazy.
with lecture recording playing right next to my ears
and totally zoomed out! was working a bad idea?
i hope not. because i am not quitting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
yesterday i told u i rilly dun want my dad to think i'm a pathetic loser
u answered saying "does it matter how he thinks of u?"
and it's not the first time u said that. and i keep tellin u YES IT MATTERS
but does it rilly? look at my sis. she doesn't care. and she's doing fine
why do i have to be the dumb one and care about him?
i hate it when i cry about my dad. i hate it more because i'm so weak
and i can't help but to think i would be much better off without this dad
fuck this. i need a laptop to get out of this house!

>>November 10, 2006 at 12:14:09 PM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 8 日 星期三 【暴雨】

今日行行下見到有隻松鼠比架車剷過~
雖然D腸無必晒出黎~但系…都見到拒吐血~
不過我都幾冷血~因為睇完無咩感覺~
可能因為成日都會見到road kill啦~所以都見怪不怪~
唯一有D深刻既系見到隻野攤系D血度~
但系隻腳都重識郁~其實死左架啦~
不過隻腳既肌肉重系度抽搐緊~真系好amazing~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
今日遲左放工~因為要教埋個細路點做功課~
講左好多次拒都系唔明~
到最後拒竟然同我講無睇到條題目所以唔明~
甘無睇題目緊系唔明啦~徙我口水!!!你話系咪激死呀!
其實加拿大D細路唔算難教~不過無咩禮貌囉~
唔知系咪因為太自由~所以唔識尊敬師長囉~
我唔系要好formal甘要你老師前老師後甘叫我~
但系都唔好奉旨我話你知個答案亞~
於果我第日個仔系甘就死啦!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
放工搭車番屋企~架車經過seneca好多學生上車~
我偷睇到坐我前面果個女仔本畫簿~
我諗拒系讀fashion design架~
我見拒好幾張同一主題既sketches~
都系圍繞住baseball架~拒畫既女仔著住好chic既baseball衫~
有個細細地既NY字眼系條腰果度~手榨球捧~好好好型~
先真正體會到~其實讀college既都可以好勁~
起碼拒地學既野有用先呀~
PRACTICAL KNOWLEDGE!!! 你有無? 我無~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
practical~呢個字系UT見都未見過~
好難想象第日畢左業靠咩出黎醞工~
靠呢個BSC? 定系靠分數呀???
但系我D分又唔夠人爭~
加上我個program既實用性近乎0…
一唔系再系college讀個有實用價值既diploma
再唔系報york,UT既教師學校
再唔系學呀jess甘去讀MBA
再唔系…….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
但系達唔達得到一個目標系其次~
原來最大問題我唔知自己想去邊~
Passion? Dedication? 夠竟去左邊?
其實系我身上~夠竟有無出現過?!?!?!
我以前以為自己想入藥劑架~但系原來我一D都唔鐘意chem~
到我醞到我想讀既野~又發現我無甘既能力去靠呢科醞食~
兜左兩年~都重未知自己想點~亞爸今日催我快D諗下將來~
我真系好驚~好似無將來甘~我唔想成為亞爸眼中既loser~
甘辛苦甘讀落去~但系偏偏唔知自己為乜~
其實我好佩服jennifer~到呢一刻都重想做護士!!!
其實系我太易放棄啊???定系我無大志~
所以成日懶懶閒~好似個廢人甘???

>>November 9, 2006 at 10:58:57 AM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 7 日 星期二 【雨】

如無意外好快會番新工~
如無意外今年成績會好好多~
如無意外我會去field course~
但系意外呢D野話唔埋甘麻~
要做既我都做晒~而家睇個天啦~
我要KO year 3!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
事在人為~謀事在人~但系成事在天呀~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
番新工~星期四開始啦~secondcup!!!
都幾開心~無諗過遞resume老細順帶interview埋~
好容易地過左骨~叫我過ST.STEPHENS EMPLOYMENT CENTRE
簽張紙就OK啦~training亦都有錢收~算系甘啦~
不過我有D驚自己學得慢學唔切~要比心機喔!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
讀書~讀極都讀唔完~不過盡讀~喪讀系甘讀~
真系考得唔好都無計~又有studygroup~
又有刨exercise~盡晒人士~真系唔得~唯有再搏D~
重有系甘催眠自己~你系得架~邊有甘易比UT打敗~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
報fieldcourse~揀左三個地方~睇住個budget黎揀~
最平都要$250~去alqonquin整昆虫標本~
我揀左第二位去joker's hill睇動物~不過要寫research project~竟然都要五百蚊!!!
三個course入面最想去既系panama~睇下熱帶雨林~了解下點做bio conservation~
重有得潛水~又可以順便去睇下條運河~不過貴囉$1900呀~同埋個trip系二月
reading week果時去~我怕...個reading week無左...之後既midterm就...哈哈~
不過唔洗諗啦~三個course報晒都要等兩個禮拜先知收唔收~
老天爺保你大點都要收我讀其中一科呀~無field course我畢唔到業架~~~
最最最想去果個course系去novascotia果邊睇鯨魚+海獅~
可惜今年莊正我家姐果兩個禮拜結婚~下年如果有錢我會再報過!!!
忽然覺得自己好渺少~太多野唔知唔識啦~好多野都見過睇過~
好多動/植物其實都未命名~唔知有無機會比我做到field biologist呢~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
夢想?一早唔見左啦~而家淨系知道要囉高分+醞錢比學費~
其他野已經系奢侈>O

>>November 8, 2006 at 8:36:13 AM GMT+8

2006 年 11 月 2 日 星期四 【晴】

tired... used 2 hrs to finish the application for field course....
this year. i gave 100%. it felt so gd to have the burden lifted upon ur shoulders.
knowing i did the most that i could have done
it's rilly a relief. if i dun do well...dat just proves 1 thing~ i dun have the brains for it~
and that just proves... i will always have to try even harder~ pushing my own limits~
successes or failures~ but i am NOT giving up~
always envious of other ppl's accomplishments...
looking back at myself, i can't find anything to be proud of
dat's so depressing. just getting by.. with passing grades..
not even 1 thing to be proud of~
sometimes i doubt if i will make it.
yet i'm scared because there's no turning back even if i can't make it
plan b? there's no plan B, either way i have to make it through
now it's just pure determination.

>>November 3, 2006 at 4:38:07 AM GMT+8

2006 年 10 月 23 日 星期一 【晴】

exam schedule is out...

Course Date Time Location Last Name
ZOO345H1F MON 11 DEC AM 9-11 NR25 A-DO
ZOO362H1F MON 18 DEC PM 2-4 BR200
NFS284H1F MON 18 DEC EV 7-10 KRUGER JE-P
BIO323H1F WED 20 DEC AM 9-12 BN3

not that bad... except...
2 exams on the same day.... with only 3 hrs in between.
time to think up a strategy so I still ace both courses!!!

What must be done today:
finish studying for bio323 midterm
fill out field course ballot
and most of all... stay awake while doing both!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

maybe after today. there will be 1 less exam to worry about
y is it that i just suck at MC! after all these years....studying evolution!
yet i haven't evolved a brain for MC questions
oh rite. we don't adapt and grow new synapormorphies
the unfit ones (ie. me) simply demonstrate a relatively low fittness,
such as not surviving in uT and not leavin offsprings.
hence the limited resources are given to those who thrive in this hectic environment!
(ie. the determined and gifted few)

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drink up ~ drink up ~
until ur mind can no longer tell successes and failures apart
drink up ~ drink up ~
until ur body can no longer carry thoughts to your heart
drink up ~ drink up ~
until ur eyes are red with blood and hatred
drink up ~ drink up ~
until you are no longer concious
drink up ~ drink up ~
until your world has shattered into pieces
drink up ~ drink up ~
until you lost all your senses
drink up ~ drink up ~
until you can no longer feel any sorrow
drink up ~ drink up ~
as if there's no tomorrow

>>October 24, 2006 at 9:39:09 AM GMT+8