2005 年 8 月 21 日 星期日 【晴】

Nightmare


This is a nightmare.

I looked at myself,
saw my whole body stained with patches of dirt and blood.

My hands looked burned.
From the scared and disgusted looks of people passing by,
I suddenly realized I got a disease.

Is it incurable?
I don't know.
Is it chronic?
I don't know.

I searched everywhere,
and found a set of clean clothes beside a water tap.

I stumbled to put on the clothes,
washed my hands and my face,
tried to look like anybody on the street.

Gathered up a bit of courage,
I walked into the dazzlingly shiny street.

Everybody looked at me with a different gaze,
showing a welcoming smile,
or even a repectful attitude.

At least, they wouldn't give me a hard time.

Disoriented.
I lost myself in the streets.
I carried my infected body along the shiny street,
trying to fit in.

From far away,
a familiar silhouette came into focus.

It's you.
My heart raised with joy.
I finally met someone I knew.

We went up the roof,
and chatted happily on the adventures I had these days.
You were being so supportive.
I felt glad.

Yet, I kept my disease a secret.
I didn't know if I should tell you about it,
feared that you would walk away and,
even worse,
curse me for contaminating you.

The sun was setting,
under the golden rays,
I studied your eyes,
they looked so genuine.

I put myself together before the last drop of ray disappeared on the horizon.

"I got this disease," I said, shakingly.
"I really don't know how I got it.
This morning I just woke up with this awkward feeling,
and everything was not the same again."

You nodded,
wore a faint smile.

I looked into your eyes,
the grey sky was reflected.

The first drop of rain dribbled on my shoulders.

"Don't make me dislike you," you said it cold and firm.

Stunned.
Almost reflectively I grabbed your shirt.

You shed me,
casted a disgusted look,
just like everybody,
and pushed me towards the edge.

I looked in disbelief.

It can't be true.
You just won't do this to me.
I trust you the most.
That's why I tell you.

You're not going to discard me on the street, are you?

"No, but don't let me make any decision that's going to hurt you," you said with a push on my shoulders.



I felt weak and fell off the edge into the never-ending darkness.




Falling in the mid-air.

I still couldn't believe it.
My tears and the rain blurred your figure at the top of the builiding, looking down at me.

"I didn't mean it, I really didn't mean it. I'm sorry..." you yelled from above,
it seemed so distant,
and more distant every minute.




Still falling.

You became a tiny spot,
I gave up.
I closed up my eyes,
waited for the land on the back.

Perhaps it hurt,
but I bet it's just for a second.
I'd die the second I hit my head on the ground.

What's it like to be in Heaven,
or in Hell?

Surprisingly,
I softly landed on a net,
supported by some familiar faces.

I came to realise that my clean clothes were again covered with blood and mud.

They didn't look away.
But they didn't help me get out of the net.

I got trapped.

They stayed there to watch me struggle.
Maybe they just couldn't help.

I had to find my way out.

But it takes time.

____________________________________

I don't expect you to wait,
I'd rather you don't.

I have to retain my last bit of dignity.

>>August 21, 2005 at 8:25:05 PM GMT+8