2006 年 7 月 6 日 星期四 【晴】

總是忍不住會想起，每次想起，就忍不住嘆息．口不對心的，原來是自己．渴望出走，也不是沒有道理的．

結果還是沒辦法讀完Chasing Daylight．時限到，只得把書先還，有空去書局據為己有．如果死亡就要臨近，大概我也會想把每段關係好好的unwind，然後close file．

好想快ｄ趕起份稿．好想開心．好想．想．

如果有人有時間幫我買兩本書就好了．如果有時間讓我把書都看完，那就更好了．

>>July 6, 2006 at 11:01:24 AM GMT+8

2006 年 7 月 4 日 星期二 【晴】

彷如隔世。

我想我真的不適應香港的生活。江西之旅，有太美麗的恩典，且要在歸航之後才慢慢咀嚼出來，令這不夠迷人的山區，顯得更耐人尋味．

懷念萃雯圓乎乎的臉，細緻的笑．
懷念曹丹柔在骨子裡的嗓音，微微倔強的眉毛，和那幾回深入的交談．
懷念江恆徹底的轉變，和媽媽感動的淚．耶穌說，我送上了一杯涼水．感謝主，讓我重嚐純粹的施予的快樂．

唉．香港．

>>July 6, 2006 at 10:42:23 AM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 24 日 星期六 【晴】

長長的一夜話，只能以四個字來總結：心滿意足。

很多匪夷所思的事，但與永恆相比，也許不過飛花。看遠一點，心才能更開脫，才更能積極地活在當下。不矛盾，不，ㄧ點也不矛盾。同意嗎？

關係的昇華，有很多種。我們的這種，是由很多共有的不平凡回憶，轉化成一生難求的獨特相知。以後，又會如何呢？

衷心的祝福激流，隨時樂意與你分享。

>>June 25, 2006 at 2:21:16 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 24 日 星期六 【晴】

'Khow cay rak khong Phracow'

This simple little phrase, when speak and think of in Thai, stroke me frequently without a concrete reason. Perhaps there needn't to be one. I felt in me a deep and firing desire for it. Oh Lord.

I know not how to explain about 'different stages' of spirituality, or relationship with God, or different levels of commitment to him. Thus I am often wordless at discussions of religion/religious issues. Sometimes I question, or even interrogate myself hard on why I kept keeping silence at moments that I might witness the God living in me. Chan may saap.

All that I know is that I am devoted to follow and obey the guidance of the Holy Spirit. This simple determination has driven me into almost all that I do: ministry, work, life and my battle with self. Maybe this is something I know how better than I know why.

'To understand (the) love of God'

>>June 24, 2006 at 11:30:07 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 23 日 星期五 【晴】

These few days have been crazily busy, and more likely than not, life like this will continue.. Peeping back at the edge of self-explosion, I found myself frequently tuning in as the on-the-go mode, being energetic and efficient (as I feel so). Yet all in all I detest it so much, as to me, being tense is equivalent to being numb to my feelings, my heart. I treasure my inner self more than anything else (except God), hence the longer I am in such a stage, the more frustrated I am.

The first ten pages of 'Chasing Daylight' have been a less-than-enjoyable experience to me. With the recommendation of JC, I felt myself hopelessly obliged to finish it in a week, as promised (or requested?). Yet I am so alienated with O'Kelly, that systematic, rational-minded CEO. An accountant. Sometimes I believe I am anything but an accountant. =p

Two chapters over and I changed thoroughly. A tough, demanding (and self-demanding) person isn't necessarily a cold-blooded one. It's just that he or she deal with their emotions in a different way. Different from me. I recalled how I am haunted by the immensely light sadness dissolved in his positive, goal-accomplishing, Type 3 personality.

And somehow, the working me is exactly the same as him. I can't afford time loss, stretching ever-further in order to make more of the time and opportunity ahead. If I feel alienated with him, I am alienated with one of my many selves.

Interesting findings. Ha.

*******************************************************************************
If we cannot control time, which is outside us, why don't we control our own energy and attitudes instead?
Thoughts on O'Kelly's 'Chasing Daylight'
******************************************************************************

Day to day I'll take my copy of Posts, set it aside on my working desk, and wait for a good time to flip it through amidst the hectic schedule. Sometimes they're left anew there till the next morning, ready to be dumped. Sometimes I do have the privilege to skim it through. ( I hardly find anything there that worth chewing). What matter most isn't the reading itself, but to develop a HABIT of taking it daily, reminding myself at least the importance of staying in touch with the world.

Yet what is the world I'm living in? I felt more lost than ever when walking in Page One late afternoon today. How do we distinguish between New Age and other spiritualities? Sex as a category of books to be promoted. Judah Gospel. I wasn't particularly disturbed by it, just wonder if anything can help someone like me comprehend the world. MY world.

>>June 24, 2006 at 11:34:48 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 23 日 星期五 【酷熱】

A special night with friends. Very special indeed. I ain't the kind of person who participates as actively as I should in a round table conversation. But still I enjoyed being with them, my dear(s). Hope time will heal and God's plan of goodness will play out itself in due course.

Praying for you, JL.

>>June 24, 2006 at 11:30:56 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 21 日 星期三 【微雨】

一連好幾天都忙得炸開了。

勉力掙扎著上班，張羅車票保險改卷訓練，時間到就回家獎勵自己看一個黃昏書。倦極而睡，醒來渾覺五官四肢都不聽使喚，挨在虛脫的邊緣，蹲在客廳的四方箱前，愣愣地哭了。

不是不知底蘊，只是拒絕深思。
啊，生活啊。

>>June 22, 2006 at 3:11:23 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 16 日 星期五 【晴】

不屬於我年代的歌，卻正描寫著我的年代，每一個年代．

十個救火的少年
在某午夜火警鐘聲響遍
城裏志願灌救部隊發現　集合在橋邊
十個決定去救火的少年
其中一位想起他少鍛鍊
實在是危險　報了名便算

另有別個勇敢的成員
為了要共愛侶一起更甜
靜悄靜悄　便決定轉身竄
又有為了母親的勸勉
在這社會最怕走得太前
罷了罷了　便歸家往後轉

十個決定去救火的少年
來到這段落祇得七勇士　集合在橋邊
為了決定去救火的主見
其中三位竟終於反了臉
謾罵著離開　這生不願見

尚有共四個穩健成員
又有個願說卻不肯向前
在理論裡　沒法滅火跟煙
被撇下了這三位成員
沒法去令這猛火不再燃
瞬息之間　葬身於這巨變

在這夜這猛火像燎原
大眾議論到這三位少年
就似在怨　用處沒有一點
在這夜這猛火像燎原
大眾議論到這三位少年
亂說亂說　愈說祇有愈遠

十減一得九　九減一得八
八減一得七　七減一得六
六減一得五　五減一得四
四減一得三　三減一得二
二減一得一

細讀這歌詞，念及此世事，哭了．這就是我們嗎？被世務被感情被私慾纏累，一起上路的最終都回頭卻步了，但禾場火場都很大啊．．．爸爸，求你復興我，復興我們每一個．阿們．

>>June 16, 2006 at 2:53:53 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 11 日 星期日 【乍寒還暖】

該溫習的時候去收拾，我總是在不恰當的時候做恰當的事。

一口氣把冬夏夾雜的衣服徹底顛覆，霎時間藍白紅綠藍散滿了一地。厚重的入主上房，飄靈的仍居正室；上上下下地起起落落，五分鐘後我竟然開始氣喘吁吁。抽起了過去ㄧ年完全沒有碰過的衣服，細細檢閱，最後決定狠下心ㄧ刀兩斷。不是沒想起你，不是看不見你，但若然每天擦身而過也不感興趣，就表示淡了冷了舊情不再了，那不如乾脆就此告別。人需要在某些時候撇脫ㄧ點。

混帳了三四個月的衣櫥終於有點像樣。
脫離混亂的日子，原來就是這麼簡單。

>>June 11, 2006 at 9:05:31 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 8 日 星期四 【微雨】

多麼的興奮。

刺激的事情發生，又可以經歷尋求、等候、然後明白上帝心意的時刻。未出發，先平安。
願每一個人，每一件事都順服在神的主權下，成為完成祂計畫的一枚小釘。包括我，包括他。

阿門。

>>June 8, 2006 at 11:11:30 PM GMT+8