2005 年 3 月 3 日 星期四 【乍雨乍晴】


我知我只要離開呢度我就可以冇事,
我知只要我考試考得好地地, 只要我入到大學, 入左 hall, 我就可以唔洗日日睇佢面色...
呢d 野我知丫, 仲有幾個月丫嘛, 我知呀...

但我根本捱唔到去果日, 我每日都唔想返黎,
我留係呢度, 我冇一分鐘係真係開心, 冇一分鐘可以精神放鬆到, 冇一分鐘係可以安安樂樂咁食野....
溫書更加唔洗講....

我似乎每隔一日就要同自己講....
你唔好死.. 你仲有幾個月就捱完架喇.....
你都捱左咁多年咯.... 唔爭在果幾個月啦.....
你咪當佢透明囉... 你唔好理佢點對你啦......
你嬲同發自己脾氣都冇用架.... 對自己冇益架咋.......
你.....

我這不是在自欺欺人嗎!?

我從小到大都不懂得如何控制及處理自己的情緒....
小時候, 她全權的控制住我, 我基本上不會有什麼有形無形的壓力..
因為我不會有選擇的權利....
沒有面對抉擇, 就不會有什麼煩惱.... 況且那時候的我還以為這是理所當然的剝削...... 我根本說不得什麼...

只是.. 被欺壓久了...... 人自然會反抗.....
就是我已被洗腦似的不懂去抵抗....
潛伏在我內心深處的那一點點不忿, 也總有存積到達頂點的一天...

從前的我... 只要一有些什麼不滿...
就會發洩出來.....
那時我會憤然的拿起界刀把手就界, 不會也不用考慮些什麼的..
一道道的血口子... 似乎一切的憤怒壓力悲憤就沒有了....
換來的.... 是絲絲的痛楚.. 但更甚的, 是強烈的復仇後的滿足感....。

後來, 我變得溫和些..... 我開始使勁的在手上腳上製造一個又一個的瘀痕, 又或是牙齒印...
同時間....努力的把手上的疤痕弄去.....
我有時甚至會對著拳頭般大..赤紅色的瘀痕怔怔的看得出神.....
我甚至知道.... 要製造這樣一個金倉魚色的印不是大力的捏就行....
它要靠石墨... 也就是鉛筆的蕊不住的在皮膚上打針也似的將其弄進去....
至於牙印麻..... 腳踝上的那個還依舊的印在那兒.....

後來...我似乎又更明白一些事了......
不知道是哪個時候的我... 變得自我封閉起來....
我再也不向別人透露半點不愜意的事.....
再也不向別人提一句發脾氣的話.....
為了不讓人家知道我是這般的對待自己....
我只好吃藥......
吃些什麼藥呢......? 我也沒啥好吃的.... 隨手拿起一包傷風感冒的藥....
也管不得了什麼.... 三四十粒的就這樣全倒到口中去.....
水也不用了, 數十粒藥丸就是這樣慢慢的... 咬碎了.... 吞下去的....
口中的確是苦.....
但可就是心涼痛快得要命...
似乎除了藥力.... 沖到胃裏的, 還有我無法被消化的怨恨。
它們是在我的心裏頭生了根, 是被每一個內臟, 每一個組織.. 每一個細胞所吸收了的。

我想我是有那一點點的被虐吧......?

但自從碰上了你.... 我似乎改變了.....
你令我那封了塵的心事... 慢慢的一件件從新的攤開來...
我能夠不畏懼毫無保留的把心事全部告訴你.....
因為你就是有一種能令我安心的感覺.. 只要是你在我身邊的時候...
只要是電話那頭傳來你惓意漸濃但卻仍努力地聽我在說... 用你低寂而肯定的語氣給我添意見... 不斷的安撫我....
只要是當我忍不住在螢光幕前哭起來... 而我知道螢光幕的另一邊... 你乾坐著的陪住我.. 雖然不斷的打瞌睡... 雖然已是夜深.... 雖然....
你就是有那一種能讓人覺得安心的感覺.....
只要是你在我身邊的時候.. 我就覺得好安全... 真的好安全... 真的.....

如果可以的話.... 我寧願你當我一輩子的聆聽者.... 我們就永遠的停留在那個階段.... 不再走多一步....

我可就是沒這福份..... 一個我曾把你當作是好朋友... 最好的朋友......

回憶..總是濕潤的..............


算了吧....
剩下的這幾個月.... 我也快撐不下去了....
我已是在作垂死的掙扎....
我的精神快要崩潰了.... 我沒法找出一個有效的方法去引導紓緩我的問題和壓力....
或者更貼切的... 是我從來也不懂得去處理自己這方面的問題....
現在我不會再傷害自己的身體了..
但精神上卻不住的在抵受壓力.......
我不知道自己能捱到那一天那一刻.....
其實也就是個老問題吧...
一個明知快要到達的終點..... 就在眼前不遠處..... 似乎雙手可以碰得到的時候....
我卻發覺自己再也走不動了.... 是怎樣說都走不動了..........................
那...
這時這刻.......
我該怎辦....?




>>March 3, 2005 at 4:36:37 PM GMT+8

2005 年 3 月 3 日 星期四 【乍雨乍晴】


**驚人大發現!!!拉丁霍啟剛關浩揚以前響開平讀ga~~
他讀1D 既~~但係他在f.2俾人踢左出校lu~~神奇!!!**


i knw him becox of......... haahaaaaaa
i wont tell~


>>March 2, 2005 at 5:35:57 PM GMT+8

2005 年 3 月 2 日 星期三 【乍雨乍晴】


Ask u guyz one question, if u know the answer, tell me;
if not, jzt keep ur mouth shut n dun even say a damn word.
OK?

this question is:
IF one day u knw the numbers of Mark6 several weeks lata, and the prize is over half hundreds million.
what would u do IF u dun hv any damn money to do this investment, given that u cant get any BY ALL MEANS?

what i mean is, u knw u will get rich, u got the way to get rich, but u jzt cant do that cox u are currently in a big trouble.

can u get wt i mean!?

so, tell me ur idea or ur opinion.


>>March 3, 2005 at 4:35:43 PM GMT+8

2005 年 3 月 2 日 星期三 【乍雨乍晴】


suddenly remember that day go out wiv MM, .......
reli love that cat so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >< !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it is so lovely n so beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
好想好想好想養隻。波斯貓。 >< !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

佢個樣懵懵地咁勁得意!!!!!! 超得意!!!!!!!!!!!!
d 毛又靚, 係白色 + 淺啡, 勁靚!!!!!! 個樣又靚!!!!!!!!
好想帶佢返屋企呀 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


>>March 2, 2005 at 5:33:22 PM GMT+8

2005 年 3 月 1 日 星期二 【乍雨乍晴】


dayz ago, i hv read a msg abt...
switchiing on the mobile phone over-night.....

............................................................................................................................
手機為誰開？

女孩每天臨睡會先關掉手機，然後把它放在寫字台自己的相框架前，這個習慣從買了手機的時候就這樣保持著。
女孩有個很要好的男朋友，兩個人不見面的時候，就打打電話或發發短信，大家都喜歡這樣的聯絡方式。
有一天夜裡，男孩很想念女孩子，打了過去卻關機，因為女孩子已經睡著了。
第二天，男孩對女孩子說：“以後晚上不要關機，好嗎？我想你的時候找不到你，心會不安。”
從那以後，女孩開始另一種習慣整夜都不關機。
因為害怕他打來自己會因睡著而聽不到，女孩夜夜都很警醒，人便日日消瘦。
然而，慢慢地，兩個人之間還是有了裂痕。
女孩很想挽回即臨分手的局面，便在一個深夜裡給男孩打電話，回答她的是機械化的女聲：sorry，你所撥打的電話已關機。　　
於是女孩知道，她的愛情亦已經關機。

很久以後，女孩開始了另一場愛情。
即使兩個人在一起的感覺也很好，但女孩怎麼也不肯嫁。
女孩的心裡還是會放不下，想起那個男孩的話和那個關機的夜。
女孩還是保持著整夜不關機的習慣，只是不再期待它會響起。
一天夜裡，女孩身染急症，慌亂之中把本想撥給父母的電話，卻打通了這個男孩的電話，而這個男孩並沒關機。
女孩平安地恢復了健康。

後來女孩問男孩：“為什麼深夜還不關機？”
男孩說：“我怕你夜裡有事情找不到我，會心慌。”
女孩最終嫁給了男孩。

是啊！你的手機，深夜裡為誰而開？
你會不會怕她找不到而心慌？
有沒有人開機只是為了等待？

愛一個人，有一份等待，就會在深夜裡習慣性的開機。
有一個可以開機等候你的人，那是一種深深的幸福。


...............................................................................................................................
我是一個整天整夜都開著電話的人... 我是在等待些什麼嗎....?

打從我擁有一個電話開始... 似乎就沒試過關了機才睡.. 除非是電話沒電吧, 或是跟人吵翻了... 賭氣的把電話關掉去.....
可是.. 真的有人會夜深裏閒著沒事幹打電話給我? 當然.... 那些凌晨二,三時的電話不是沒接過....
只是.... 我究竟只是為大家提供一個方便... 讓大家什麼時候都找得著我... 還是...... 我根本是有所期待...............?
那..... 我又在期待著誰?
我不知道.... 也不想知道....

可幸的... 是.... 我要找的人.... 縱使日夜顛倒的..... 只要我撥一個電話過去..... 電話那頭總會是我熟悉的聲音... 惺忪的語氣.... 特別是在冬日的夜裡...... 令人由心的浮起一陣暖意的關懷................

謝了。你。



* juno 的 誰是後備。




>>March 2, 2005 at 5:35:01 PM GMT+8

2005 年 3 月 1 日 星期二 【颳風】


fuck off the god damn MS shit paper!!! dammit i was totally failled this time!
cant reli finish any one of the 4 longQ, damn difficult, much more difficult than the pp, damn!!!
also, not enough time to do it. wtf!
ok, finally, mock came to an END. though tmr still hv the UE oral exam, i can say, it is OVER.
forget abt the damn paper, the damn result, i went to watch movie with mandy ~! yooooo

THE AVIATOR. itz good, ya.... 170 mins... damn long, sometimes maybe a bit bored, but i still enjoy it.
feelin a bit pity to lenonedo.. (dunno how to spell his name...=_="") he was so poor... eee, is that real that, each successor would hv their unknown darkness side ??
he was kinda mental illness, which i said as lack of safety..... eeeeeee, stop.. dunno wt i m talkin abt.
ok, u guyz can go n watch it la, i thk it is quite good ga ^^
btw, 有個女仔對眼勁靚!!!!!!! 係勁吸引人果隻深藍色, 超靚, 冇得彈~!

then after it finished, it was already 3pm... o..... went to KFC to hv my SQUARE potato chip ^^
yeah , itz soooooooooo yummi ^_^ ~ i luv it~~~~~~333333333333333
hhahahahaaa, then originially planned to da gay, but when we were on the road, mandy told me as we were wearing uniform we cant get in....
so shit, who set the damn rule??! it is nonsense..!
then, back n went to food court n chat, we talked abt our home.. haha itz so funny~* yoooooooooo!
left at ... i thk 6 ?? cant remember lu
but i did hv a good time, haaaa, totally escaped from the damn mock damn MS n also, the damn ALEVEL. o... wtf...



>>March 2, 2005 at 5:34:38 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 28 日 星期一 【颳風】


today also went to study room, at nearly 1 pm thk....? fuckin lazy pig. i m not denyin..
ok, finish 11 long Q today, quite a good job done, i was satisfied to today'z productivity.
tmr will be the exam... o frds... bless me gd luck....
left at 5 cox it came to da end of that time session. hell.... i jzt want a place to study n stay...
so went to MDD, hv a great meal, done several q then left, met AR TONG there AGAIN, but he cant recognize me... well.....
ok it doesnt matter since i wont meet him anymore, hopefully.....
back home n do some q then sleep at 2, cant fall aslept for nearly 1 hr... gosh...........



>>March 2, 2005 at 5:35:39 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 27 日 星期日 【颳風】


o wt a god damn monday.... wtf did i do..................? cant reli remember...
seems that i hv gone to study room...? o ya, MS today, finish 5 years' seation A ....
left at 4 sthg wiv bobo n went to walk st. then , back to join MM , she was at a doggy cafe~
at 1st, i was reli frightened!! so many big dogz......!! when i step in, they run to me!! shocked me a lot!
luckily they a all very frdly, i got a hapi time there ^^
stayed for arround 5 hrs then left, it was already 10 sthg, ...... o .....
want to hv sthg to eat, so hv dessert then, not gd...
i hv tried my 1st ginger MIX milk there, itz chocolate favour....
eeeeeee, i was much more prefer to hv a chocolates steamed milk...... =0=
ok let it be, i believed i wont hv another one any more, for my rest of life.
thatz it. back home at 11 sthg... fuck off my god damn mum, she was damn fussy bitch. wth!

kinda mizin da doggy there ~_~


>>March 2, 2005 at 5:32:44 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 26 日 星期六 【乍雨乍晴】


today, same as dayz b4, sleep until 12, woke up and take a bath..... SMS wiv kenny, for a whole morning..
indeed its he who woke me up..... i was woke by his sms... ok...
did nthg again....
secretly online for many times, haahaa, cox sister dun let me to do so, my pc has virus n not yet fixed...
cant even start the pc if let the anti-virus programme ran....
so.... only way is to close them all n bear the risk of suffering a more serious virus....
i afd i wont hv time to fix it until alevel is over....
this time..... no one is gonna do this for me... i needa search ppl to do that...
maybe stephen......? hope that he is free to do so.....
ai.... i was NOW in a very BAD MOOD........!!!!
dun ask me y.... reli feelin very sad!!!!!!
i was so depressed....!!!!!!!!
dun wanna do anthg n wanna go out, get out from where i m rite now,
wt drive me crazy!!?
fail to do anthg, no revision for 3 dayz.... shit!!!!!! shitty me!!!!!!!!
i betta back to hell where i originally come from.

my xanga is changed, i mean the outlook of it.
go n hv a look, u can find the link in this page.
in fact u can guess for it..


i knw this entry must hv tones of grammatical mistakes.. ok.. dun blame me ok????
no mood to care abt these ass...
i was reli in bad mood!



>>February 27, 2005 at 7:30:14 PM GMT+8

2005 年 2 月 26 日 星期六 【乍雨乍晴】


today, woke up at 12 sthg, reli very lazy...... hv kept on woke up so late for several dayz already...
unacceptable .......................

then, went to wanchai to meet Dick..... obviously i was late...
he phoned me twice..... and at the first time i reli cant reconize his voice...... heehee, big difference!!
arrived at 2 sthg, a bit late but not very, changed clothes n sit down and talked for a while, then start....
well, i cant say today is a START but for real i hv used some of those machines....
wtever.... good start..... n i was reli tired...... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee >< !
also, needa pay again..... no money leave la me >< !! whoz gonna donate some money to me ar ?????
eeeeeeeeeeee~ har me ger ~ huh!
but those staff are all very talkative~ already (seems to be) well-cooked wiv them... well, wth!?

leave at 4 sthg, that means 2 hrs... seems some troubles exist... new troubles..... wtf...
wt a troublesome company..... dammit!

no mood to type la, who the fuck is gonna give me some money? o suck, i always being cheated.....!!! holyshit........


btw, today is a rainy windy day.....
make me feel more depressed after the payment...
shit!


>>February 27, 2005 at 7:22:08 PM GMT+8