2008 年 4 月 27 日 星期日 【晴】

Grandpapa is super weak... and we have no idea how to bring him out of the apartment to the hospital.

Therefore, we called the ambulance. Dad & uncle went to the Emergency themselves, and I accompany with grandpapa on the ambulance. One driver & 2 colleagues, plus grandpapa & myself...

In the emgergency, the doctor saw that his faces is BLACK colour. I regret that I fail to visit grandpa often these days. He now uses an otomy bag (www.coloplast.com). The maid might not have notice that the facese had changed from brownish to black colour. Dad told me that, it might be, he is having bleeding inside... and so the faces is black.

The doctor asked what surgery grandpapa has undergo. And later the doctor asked me to go home and wait for their call. Around 4pm, they called me, grandpa is now staying in the hospital, undergoing observation.

There is a centre for cancer patience. Those patience would be the final final stage of cancer... soon waiting to death. Mom suggested grandpa to stay there later/ last one month or so... Sister & I & many others objected. I understand mom's suggestion, I also understand Grandpapa would like to stay at home, not a place full of medical equipment.

Tonight, we can't visit grandpapa, not until tomorrow 1pm. To me, I feel better, coz the doctor & nurse is with grandpapa. They know how to take care him. But how's grandpapa's feeling? Lonely there in the hospital? No one to really take care him with LOVE? What is good to him? What does he like?

I didn't sleep well last night. I cried. I don't know what to pray. I don't know how to pray.

I don't know what should I pray for...

>>April 28, 2008 at 10:01:05 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 26 日 星期六 【晴】

26/4 - 9pm, I finished the rehearsal for Melody Orchestra. I went home, put down my viola and went for get McDonald for dinner. No one's at home. I am feeling lonely tonight.

27/4 - 9pm, I have just returned home. Still haven't have my dinner. No mood to eat. I want to go to church to hear God's words, to get his comfort. I fail to wake up this morning to visit my grandpa, and I went off to orchestra at 11am. Rehearsal 'til 7pm. I thought I can go to church at 8pm, but I didn;t. (coz went to visit grandpapa at 7-ish, I wanted to stay longer).

Dad went to grandpa's place around 8:35pm, he asked me to return home for dinner. I left. On the way, I was wishing that grandpa can go to heaven earlier. I don't want to see him suffer.

He can eat, but he doesn't feel WHEN it is full.
He vomitted.
He loses a lot of weight.
When he talks, the voice is very soft & very unclear.
Sometimes we don't know what he wants.

He holded my hands tightly...

>>April 27, 2008 at 1:02:26 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 24 日 星期四 【晴】

If you ask how's my grandpa, honestly he stays the same, nothing seems to have improved. He's feeling weak and need help getting up. It's really, like a babe, who need to be feed, to dress up and bathe.

Anyhow, I am thankful for all the supports & prayers.

Aunt has found a maid for grandpa & grandma, her main duty is to cook and clean and help grandpa to clean his wound. For the first day she worked, I stayed with them for nearly the whole day. It was super challenge for me, for the maid comes from Vietnam, she worked in Taiwan for 3 years, speak a bit of Mandarin and can't read Chinese. We tried all our best to communicate. It was hard!

>>April 25, 2008 at 1:58:09 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 21 日 星期一 【晴】

It was a terrible 21st of April.

-//-

I tried to wake up this morning and ran to grandpa's place. My sister and I planned to bring grandma for yum cha and bought grandpa some breakfast. I was super-reluctant to leave my bed...

7:15, I arrived at grandpa's place. My sister followed... After organzing breakfast for grandpa and cleaning the wounds, I brought grandma to yum cha and sister went off to work.

Yesterday we asked some guys to fix the door lock as well as the toilet. And today I stayed at grandma's place 'til 9pm.

>.< I still have 2 documents for my orchestra to translate >.< ~~~~

>>April 23, 2008 at 8:59:40 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 20 日 星期日 【晴】

Why?

I think this is the very first time that I really asked God, why did this happen? I have read books like "Disappointment with God"/ articles like "Why does bad things happen to good people"... Yet I seldom question what God has for me. Until today...

It was noon time, around 12:20pm, I accompanied grandma to get back her home. When we arrive on the 2nd floor, we found that the doors were opened. I thought grandma didn't lock the door, coz she has dimentia. Grandma thought that dad & uncle has already arrive home with grandpa from the hospital.

I entered, I went into grandpa's bedroom...

He wasn't there. But all the drawers were opened, things spread over the bed and floors...

Few minutes later, I heard dad's voice, he was walking slowly with grandpa in the stairs. I walked to him and tried to tell him... "someone seems to have entered the house".

-//-

Grandpa left the hospital, isn't it a good news?

But why does the theif has to come?

-//-

>>April 23, 2008 at 8:52:22 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 19 日 星期六 【晴】

Tension - this is what I am feeling among family members. Tension about money, about whom to take care of grandpa...

>>April 20, 2008 at 9:12:41 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 17 日 星期四 【晴】

Typhoon #3 today. After visiting my grandpa, I went to YSO, my dearest family in Macau. I pushed open the door and my music director was shocked to see me, hahha~ They expected me to be back by May, not April this early...

>>April 19, 2008 at 9:49:00 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 15 日 星期二 【晴】

Thank you my Lord. I am departing tonight and you have given me the opporunity to meet my consellor, my mentors & my pastor today. It's very very comforting.

I didn't sleep well last night. 15/4, around 9pm, I decided to get a flight ticket asap. I checked and called Cathay Pacific in HK. There are a few issues, cancelling my 1/5 flight, fund transferring, etc. But all concluded nicely. You know, by 2:15am, I can't sleep, I remembered that I have to hand in my MMTC assignment in April! So I left my bed and finish it... hahhah~

>>April 19, 2008 at 2:58:52 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 12 日 星期六 【晴】

Final one hour of the week.

It's 23:02, and I am making myself a cup of cappuccino, I know that I can sleep very well after drinking a cup of coffee, so I really don't mind drinking it at this late of the day.

Phew... A brother told me that I looked very tired on Saturday.

Physically, emotionally & spiritually, I wasn't feeling that bad. I had my 1st cell leading with choir on Saturday, so I was still quite energized & excited about it. When I heard his comment, I have a little feeling, like... um, you feel ashamed when a guy commented you are a little overweight. He is very kind to use that word "tired", another word, which I think it is what he means... would relate to ageing. Indeed, I noticed that the ageing signs are very obvious these 2 weeks... Although the bible tells us that maturity is very close to the crown of life, I bet, I am on the same boat as every other ladies in their mid 20s + ...

Actually, I am not wanting to talk about my ageing facts tonight. "final one hour"... my title implied that something is getting to the end. I switched to Windows XP to check some offline message this evening, as Messenger Mac doesn't support those offline messages... Well, mom & dad just get in time and rang me from MSN.

Mom told me... "um, grandpa was sent to the hospital, prepare yourself emotionally"

Although I can guess what she really means, but I tried to press on her to tell me the whole story.

"Can you be more specific, more clearly, I don't get it."
"Grandpa is sick, may not be able to make it, the doctor told us"

"SICK..." with my call centre knowledge, I learned to probe and asked further. (PROBE: Seek to uncover information about someone/ something) I think I have asked 5 questions at least to get mom tell me the whole story. Often, mom is like that... she never really speak directly.

"ya, that one" (excuse me, which one is it?)
"will need to visit the doctor" (yes, but what exactly is the sickness?)

It drives me crazy. And when I was younger, I just think that the adults are keeping SECRETS from us in my family. They think we don't understand. The other day I had my body check, the doctor asked if there are any sickness occurred in my family, I was muted! Coz I really have no idea, coz the adults don't share about it...Or is that the Chinese culture?

Well, that's enough for my grumble...sorry.

3 months to live... my grandpa's doctor commented...

will it be 3 months? can it be longer?

Grandpa is still in the hospital, suffering...

>>April 13, 2008 at 1:37:21 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 7 日 星期一 【晴】

I see God's blessings today... especially that He does thing in the right time!

8:52am, thankful that I am on time to catch the train

9:30am, had my consultation with Dr Wendy at Clayton

10:20am, called by the nurse for the vaccination

11:07am, arrived at Caulfield for my work

1:05pm, shop for grocery

2:20pm, had my driving lesson

3:53pm, left my instructor and rushed to the train station

4:10pm, just in time to catch the bus to Hawthorn

4:35pm, arrived at my workplace

Did you know? If the nurse didn't call me at 10:20am, I am certain that I will be 30 minutes late to my work at Caulfield. Since I fainted last time when I had the vaccination, the nurse asked me to rest at least 15 minutes before I leave the clinic. So I need to allow enough time... Finally, I was late for 7 minutes.

3:45pm, I was staring at the clock when I made the last left turn today, coz I needed to run to the station. I've got the option to catch the 3:52pm bus or the 3:56pm train. However, there was a little traffic jam and the instructor had so much to say, I left his car at 3:53pm. While waiting for the pedestrian light, I thought I can't make it, however, the light at once turned green for me and I was able to catch the train! I got off the train and caught the bus to Hawthorn, it wasn't too bad as I arrived 5 minutes late at the call-centre.

Really... by God's 保守 (mercy), I made it to my workplaces today! I knew that I have made a tight schedule for myself. God was very kind to me already! And I was only late within 10 minutes. This morning, I have thought of giving up the vaccine and tell the nurse that I have to go to work. Whilst this afternoon, I have thought of calling the cap to arrive at Hawthorn on time. They were not backup plans, but my 小信 lack of faith!

Maybe you are horrified with my detailed schedule, especially those 50 - 53 - 56 minutes... as a frequent commuter in Victoria, you will know why... I know, I can run to the train station from my house by 3.5 minutes, but it will be a super-fast run. Sometimes, hahhaa... a few times, it happens that I can't make it... During those time, I often pray that the train will be delayed :P ~~~

If someone is rushing to work, and I am late to catch the train... That someone prayed that the train will be on time, and I prayed that the train will be delayed... what would Jesus do?

>>April 8, 2008 at 3:00:33 PM GMT+8