2006 年 9 月 25 日 星期一 【晴】

今天又到了物理治療中心, 我的物理治療師上左去 Adelaide, 所以今日有另一位姐姐幫我做治療. 不喜歡她呢... 下午 2:47 了~ 現在先吃飯, 因為超痛. 今次第二次經歷痛得想嘔.

>>September 26, 2006 at 4:51:28 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 24 日 星期日 【晴】

"I am pleased!!!" says Ivana.

Start of the break, but I was at uni this afternoon. It was happy to see many students at uni! At the Den hanging with coffeeees, Library and around the little fountain... What a scene~ how glad I am - coz I am not alone hardworking, hoho~

OK` I had a 1 1/2 hour lesson with my viola teacher this noon time. Pretty GOOD, we are onto EXAM mode now~ Previously she helps me further stable my skills and my basic viola skills, not it's time to get onto the syllabus, it's pretty late actually~ hahah

I was so happy to hear her said "I'm pleased, Emily" There were still TONS of mistakes and out of tune I created, however, for my progress and the confidence in playing I developed in this year, she's pleased! YAY!!!

>>September 25, 2006 at 6:37:05 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 23 日 星期六 【晴】

今日崇拜完左就去飲茶, 真好心~ 不過回家時又突然 down 了. Overwhelming 的時間表...

我都好累, 都唔係好好 mood, 不過就是但打左個電話給 grandpa/ma.

Grandpa 好 down, 終日留在屋企... ai ya~ 死啦~~~ 我唔知, 如果我在澳門, 我會否經常上去他屋企探望兩老人家, 不過感謝神讓我知道 his condition, 可以祈禱交上.

Grandpa 說, "如果上到天堂就阿彌陀佛喇."

我唔知他心目中點先上到天堂, 不過我就告訴他, 信耶穌就可以上天堂架喇.

點知, Grandpa 說, "唔, 我信耶穌, 我上天堂."

Man... I really was shocked and didn't know how to respond!!! I know if according to 決志, he isn't yet classify as a BELIEVER, but, what was he thinking when he said that? I need to confess that I haven't tell grandma/pa the whole GOSPEL, but I know God has lead a step further, at least he is not rejecting what I tell him. May the gospel, the truth be known and understood in the heart of my grandpa. AMEN.

>>September 24, 2006 at 7:52:19 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】

我最後一場音樂會?

之前 INVITE 朋友來看音樂會時, 想講... 嘩~ 我最後一場這樣大型的音樂會演出了, 您們不要 MISS IT 吧. 不過, 又覺得, 如果這不是最後一場? 如果我 FAIL 多次, 這不是最後的吧了.

唔知呢, 不過今晚有 8 位朋友來, 我好感恩. 我好開心了.

他們有的是為了想 RELAX 一下, 有的, 為了做功課 (CONCERT REVIEW), 有的是為了我... 有的, 早早一個月前就話要來, 有的, 今日先告訴我知她會來, 仲未買票...乜都有. 不過, 是一個好好好經歷的一個晚上. 今個 Semester, 在這音樂會上花了很多精神, 而且... 而且為了這音樂會 (partly), 我要再度接受更多物理治療.

下午去了 Chadston 吃飯 & 飲咖啡. 回來時沒有足夠時間小睡, 更不夠時間沖涼放鬆 d muscle, 晚飯都沒有時間吃. 希望 just now 的 sushi 頂到我的肚子.

RBH 坐位...

E 17
E 24
K 15-20

我不會忘記這一切.

願主保守.

>>September 23, 2006 at 6:15:16 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 21 日 星期四 【晴】

FATHER, let me know forget your promise!

Ask me to stay in tune with you.

Ask me not to do anything in hurting myself, my body.

Dry my tears Lord.

You are my rock!

I rely on you.

I am sorry for the things I have done.

Your words never fail.

I am weary, I come to you for rest.

Ask me to focus in you!

I LOVE YOU FATHER. I AM IN U, I AM OK IN YOU.

I AM STANDING IN YOU.

>>September 22, 2006 at 6:29:05 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 21 日 星期四 【晴】

Dear Lord

THANKS...

There are so many unexpected things happened today, just wanna thank you Jesus.

Firstly I was able to wake up at 7am and practice 'til 10:45am.

Thanks too for being able to get a room in the campus center at 1pm, so I can make another practic.

Today's assessment... what can I say... I didn't prepare seriously my 2nd assessment at 3pm. Coz we are playing it in the rehearsals already. And the assessment in the morning, PHEW... I marked up!!!! My colleagues suggested to assess once again, and get the best mark out of the two. A second chance...? Penny, me and Sandy didn't want to re-assess. But I had my 2nd attempt and the 2nd one was much better and safer in terms of the assessment passing criteria.

I didn't want to exam again, but you gave me a chance... It turned out to be good.

For the afternoon's assessment, hehehe... I wasn't well prepared for the 2nd piece. I can manage to play Beethoven's 4th mve. But Lord, unexpectedly, Liz and Fintan didn't ask for the 2nd piece, they asked for 2nd and 3rd movement of Beethoven. 2nd and 3rd weren't suppose to be examined today!!! But last week, I didn't protest, coz I know these two movements quite ok. And becoz of them, the time is long enough not to ask for the 2nd piece.

I was assessed on things I am well-prepared, you send me grace once again - not being asked for the piece I am not-well-prepared.

What more will there be waiting for me? My Jesus~ playing the piece of last week's assessment... actually it wasn't as good as last week... but your way is always better then mine!

I am feeling tired now.

Father~

Father, I LOVE YOU.

I pray that I will have some time to quiet down soon! This semester has been driving my crazy more than ever! Am I pushing myself to my colleague's standard? First year, second year, I know I am a bit behind, I don't mind, I know I will have mistakes and play badly, I just do my best in my effort. But this year, I feel that I am going out of my ability, I am fighting against those of my classmates, those of the standard of a uni music student. I am no more in upgrading myself of my ability, but of the uni's standard. FAther, I am very tired. Sometimes I laugh at myself. I am hurting my body against playing music. I am cuting my sleeps and rest for music. But I am still excited to work harder.

When one asks, I will say, I am still not fond of myself, there is still room to progress.

Today's assessment's preparation... I still want to blame myself. I didn't manage my time well to be FULLY prepared. But what's there to CUT out of my schedule? What's that I am doing that I am not suppose to do? May you give me wisdom? I don't know

I don't slack, I am not lazy, I don't do silly non-beneficial things. I didn't watch TV/movie for awhile, I didn't go and play. I didn't chat for the sake of chating. I didn't waste my time.

But... I still didn't get enough time.

Father, let me know how to GIVE YOU MY BEST EFFORT! I know I am on extreme and super-perfectionism. Oh well...

I feel that I am losing a bit of peace. You made me recall my FOUNDATION YEAR, where everyone's reading notes be4 exam, I went to Gloria Jeans, had a cup of coppucino and read my bible. Where everyone's on exam mode, I went jogging in F 5. Now... as of today, exam at 11am, and I am playing like mad at 7-10:45am. This is crazy.

Security, may you teach me what is security? What is my part and your part? If without the last 4 hours of practice today, I don't feel that I am doing my part. But no... I did prepared a little in the early of the semester's start.

I feel insecure when I didn't prepare around 60% of my ability. Am I WORKING too much and ignoring your GRACE? Do youR best and God will do the rest, what's my best? Where's the line? Will you let me know? Sorry my Father, I think I am asking for formulars... 10 hours ok?

Sorry, I let Satan stole my peace & joy in you.

We have finished 3 assessment for 3260, 4 assessments for orchy, and after tomorrow, the concert is over, I have my 3 hours back, I can rest? NO, I have lesson on Monday for 1 1/2 hours, to catch up with my viola teacher. Father, you know what, I though of not going to church on Sunday, I want to take the time to prepare my lesson - coz I am unprepared. Oh... I pray that I am strong in you. I always know that I have to be strong when many things pop in. Keep reading the bible, keep going to church, that's it and I will be blessed as well. Father, what am I thinking now? I am letting in illegal thoughts?

Monday's lesson... how many hours can I have to prepare? Sunday... in 2005, I always have my Sunday for retreat, to stay with you no matter what. No UNI, no play, but just Jesus & me. 2006... I lost my Sabbath. I am so confuse here~ if I will give myself a rest, I would say... oh, well, not 'til next Sunday. This Sun needs to prepare Monday's lesson. This Monday needs to prepare Tue's, Wed's for Thursday's meeting, Thursday's for Friday rehearsal. Then again and again.

Week 12 mock exam, week 13 final exam.

Dad, I AM DEAD!

Open my eyes LORD!

Thanks, thanks for this little text box, it gave me a chance to speak up. I don't want to burst them to my bro & sis. If they read it, Lord, protect them as well! I hope I am not making a bad impact in my expression in feeling and my thinking.

Oh, my hands feel tired now.

Father, I feel that my fingers are hurting. This happened in these days, which I haven't yet tell my physiotherapist. It was my arm and shoulers & back, now it goes to the fingers...

Shame on me, hahahahh~

But you still LOVE me!

OK~ have my dinner now, thanks Father!

AMEN

>>September 22, 2006 at 6:25:37 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

5:45pm I am at uni once again.

This morning visited the physiotherapy clinic. Mr Handsome Physiotherapist commented that I look scare in entering the patience area. Yes, my physiotherapist Bob, I am. For the past 14 days, I know my condition has gone wrost then ever.

He asked when the pain strike up.
- um... I ignore the pain actually, the pain bumps when I finish practice (6 hours later)

He asked if Saturday's a big concert.
- um... Yes, but I also think later... We are not paid musicians, and this concert does not give us any credit/marks... is this called THE PASSION OF MUSIC?

He made some clicks on my head, on my back... you know what, it's even more painful then my previous 3 treatments.

He even asked... are you with me? Are you dead? 1/2 dead?
- um... he must have known how I feel physically when he did those clicks on me.

TEARS RETURNED...

Ken suggested me to take a rest tonight. Coz I have been crying, struggling, and stuffed...

I struggled.

At last I recalled...

"as a musician, I need to cope up with my emotion, no matter what!!! You guys pay us to play, we are to play and to entertain you guys on stage, this the deal. This is musicianship!" On stage, we are a performer, not a student, this is releality!!!

Still 2 assessments tomorrow, both practical, I haven't yet finish preparating them, might have to wake up tomorrow at 6am. I hope I am ok for that! Am I crazy with MUSIC? Not sure...

Deep inside a musician's heart it says: "We are proud of long hours of practice, proud of our disciplined routine! Whoa~ Hooray" But... yes, our shoulders, our backs, our arms are all paining.

Father, I need your wisdom!

>>September 21, 2006 at 7:54:36 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

Monday 4-6:30pm
Tuesday 4-7pm
Wednesday 6-9pm
Thursday 6-9pm
Friday 4-8pm
Saturday 5- 'til concert ends

Ken called this morning, just checked if I am awake and getting to the supermarket. I was laughing at myself in the call, coz I changed my plan! I planned to go to the supermkt at 9am, coz there's nothing much left in my fridge that can make me a proper meal! Phew... Did you see the schedule above? I have to admit that I have overlooked at my schedule this wee. 7pm, 9pm... carrying my super heavy viola and weary body, I don't dare to go to the supermarket. Today's class start at 12pm, I wanted to go and get filled my fridge, but I was like... don't waste that time... better do some more studies on my assingment & viola, why waste the time to get food man?

I told him I will go tomorrow, but he said, well, I might change my plan again.

I'm sorry... but everything in my life is MORE IMPORTANT then FOOD. At least, that's what I have in mind.

Orchestra wasn't good yesterday, I was falling asleep playing my viola. Keep praying for physical energy. I bought myself a bottle of coke, haven't been drinking soft drinks for sometime already. I want some sugar - yay... not so happy yesterday. And Beethoven is driving us crazy!!! His genius and God-given talent is too unnatural! We have to play again and again to make the right in time in tune music. Honestly we still have a lot of work to do before pouring out a nice concert this Saturday.

This semester - I am very stress. Usually stress makes me work harder and strive harder. But I've sinned this semester... I have wanted to QUIT this Saturday's performance. I am fed up and tired to death. I think this is the first time I experience this ever super-stressful period, more thAn that of last semester, of first and second year.

>>September 20, 2006 at 12:09:11 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

Monday 4-6:30pm
Tuesday 4-7pm
Wednesday 6-9pm
Thursday 6-9pm
Friday 4-8pm
Saturday 5- 'til concert ends

Ken called this morning, just checked if I am awake and getting to the supermarket. I was laughing at myself in the call, coz I changed my plan! I planned to go to the supermkt at 9am, coz there's nothing much left in my fridge that can make me a proper meal! Phew... Did you see the schedule above? I have to admit that I have overlooked at my schedule this wee. 7pm, 9pm... carrying my super heavy viola and weary body, I don't dare to go to the supermarket. Today's class start at 12pm, I wanted to go and get filled my fridge, but I was like... don't waste that time... better do some more studies on my assingment & viola, why waste the time to get food man?

I told him I will go tomorrow, but he said, well, I might change my plan again.

I'm sorry... but everything in my life is MORE IMPORTANT then FOOD. At least, that's what I have in mind.

Orchestra wasn't good yesterday, I was falling asleep playing my viola. Keep praying for physical energy. I bought myself a bottle of coke, haven't been drinking soft drinks for sometime already. I want some sugar - yay... not so happy yesterday. And Beethoven is driving us crazy!!! His genius and God-given talent is too unnatural! We have to play again and again to make the right in time in tune music. Honestly we still have a lot of work to do before pouring out a nice concert this Saturday.

This semester - I am very stress. Usually stress makes me work harder and strive harder. But I've sinned this semester... I have wanted to QUIT this Saturday's performance. I am fed up and tired to death. I think this is the first time I experience this ever super-stressful period, more thAn that of last semester, of first and second year.

>>September 20, 2006 at 12:09:05 AM GMT+8

2006 年 9 月 17 日 星期日 【晴】

報數: fridge 現有一塊 cheese, 三塊方包, 小量 cereal, milk = O, few Chinese mushroom, 1/2 bag of frozen vegies, left over avocado dip.

返到屋企, 四肢累到不想煮飯, 個人 d energy 消耗到都唔想食野.

想死呀~~~

so tired man! My shoulder pains when I move my head... what a shame when I will meet Mr Seriyan this Thursday~ and Jason too~

The orchestra was dismissed after 2 hours of rehearsal this evening, it was scheduled for 3 hours, but by 6pm, we were all tired... and our productivity was very low at that time.

>>September 18, 2006 at 9:56:27 AM GMT+8